Deuce Bigalow Quotes in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)

T.J. Hicks: See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it?

Deuce Bigalow: Where?

T.J. Hicks: Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?

Deuce Bigalow: Man-whoring?

T.J. Hicks: Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.

Deuce Bigalow: Martini, two olives.

[looks around room]

Deuce Bigalow: Any ladies need some entertainment tonight?

Bartender: [sets the martini down] Eight fifty.

Deuce Bigalow: Eight dollars?

Bartender: And fifty cents.

Deuce Bigalow: How much just for a plain cranberry juice?

Bartender: Oh, three dollars.

Deuce Bigalow: Well I'll go for that.

Bartender: [sets the juice down] There you go. That's uh, eleven fifty.

Deuce Bigalow: Uh, no, no. Perhaps you misunderstood me. I wish to cancel my original order of the martini and two olives and go for just the plain cranberry juice, by itself, for the three dollars. And I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Bartender: Uh, perhaps you don't understand. If you don't pay me now, I'm gonna take this swizzle stick, and uh, I'll be shoving that right up your pee hole.

Kate: I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. To tell you the truth, I don't know how men do it either.

Deuce Bigalow: You're not curious, just to try something new?

Kate: I'm just not into it.

Deuce Bigalow: So space exploration is definitely out for you?

Kate: Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.

Detective Fowler: Do the letters T and J mean anything to you?

Deuce Bigalow: I don't know. Turkey Jizz?

Deuce Bigalow: Look, I think there's been a mistake.

Fluisa: Did you say steak?

Deuce Bigalow: No mistake.

Fluisa: Oh see now you got me all excited.

Detective Fowler: You know anything about this?

[unzips his pants]

Detective Fowler: Look. See that red spot over there? That wasn't there this morning. I checked. You know what it is?

Deuce Bigalow: Maybe it's a rash. Something you got from jogging. How the hell do I know? Get it away from me.

Claire: What happened to the carpet?

Deuce Bigalow: Oh, it's one of those 18th century wet rugs.

Fluisa: You ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hangar?

Deuce Bigalow: I'm sorry?

Fluisa: You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano?

T.J. Hicks: What about Antoine's apartment?

Deuce Bigalow: I'm gonna get the rest of the money the old-fashioned way.

T.J. Hicks: You gonna steal it?

Deuce Bigalow: I couldn't help overhearing your Spanish.

Claire: It's French.

Deuce Bigalow: Oui, French... Nice people.

Deuce Bigalow: Where am I supposed to get six thousand dollars in three weeks?

Deuce Bigalow: Wow! What are those?

Antoine Laconte: Medieval weapons. I'm a collector. They're worth twice as much if they've killed somebody.

Deuce Bigalow: I collect Canadian quarters. I've got about six of 'em.

T.J. Hicks: Claire said Antoine's apartment was messed up, but I had no idea.

Deuce Bigalow: Claire?

T.J. Hicks: The hooker you ass-punched.

Antoine Laconte: I'm a gigolo.

Deuce Bigalow: Giga-who?

Antoine Laconte: Women pay me to... give them pleasure.

Deuce Bigalow: How did you get that job?

Antoine Laconte: I just sort of fell into it.

Deuce Bigalow: I'm gonna kill my guidance counselor!

Deuce Bigalow: Is this Ruth?

Ruth: Yeah, I'll be right down. GOD DAMN IT!

Ruth: BALL-HAIR!

Deuce Bigalow: Yeah, ball-hair, what we need is a strike here!

Deuce Bigalow: I guess I'll just take some sea snails.

Deuce Bigalow: Maybe we should take care of a little business first.

Claire: If you prefer.

Deuce Bigalow: I don't have a set price or anything, but I have been getting ten dollars.

Claire: I'm sorry?

Deuce Bigalow: Well that's my going rate. But I'm willing to negotiate.

Claire: [chuckles] That's funny. But the price is five hundred.

Deuce Bigalow: You're gonna pay me five hundred dollars?

Claire: No, honey, you pay me.

Deuce Bigalow: Oh, I get it. This is some kind of role reversal. I'll play along with this.

[deep voice]

Deuce Bigalow: Okay, 300, 400, 500, you're my hooker. No, seriously, where's my ten dollars?

T.J. Hicks: This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy.

Deuce Bigalow: What's wrong with this one?

T.J. Hicks: Nothin'.

Deuce Bigalow: Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?

T.J. Hicks: She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.

Deuce Bigalow: It's a guy isn't it?

T.J. Hicks: I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.

Detective Fowler: You better show some respect, or I'm gonna rip that little pleasure-giving tongue right out of your head! One more thing

[drops his pants]

Detective Fowler: I was at the precinct and I really had to use the John. And it's pretty filthy in there and I was in kind of a hurry, and I didn't have time to use one of those, you know, paper ass gaskets. I was doing my business, and something sort of splashed up on me, all over. What do you do in situations like that? You think I'll be alright?

Deuce Bigalow: I think you're pretty safe.

Detective Fowler: I'd better be!

Deuce Bigalow: If man-whoring has taught me anything, it's that most women are as unhappy with their entire body as you are with your small penis.

Detective Fowler: Thin penis.

Deuce Bigalow: Whatever. While you're worried about your penis...

Detective Fowler: Thin penis.

Deuce Bigalow: Women are worried about their height, their weight, their giant feet, the stream of obscenities that could burst through their mouth at any second. If you make a woman feel good about herself, it really doesn't matter what's wrong with you.

Detective Fowler: Even if it's really really thin? We're talkin' spaghetti stick.

[Allison turns down Deuce when he asks her out]

Deuce Bigalow: Ok, I'll just take some sea snails and be on my way.

[Allison gets the snails from the bottom of the tank and wets her T-shirt which exposes her nipples]

Deuce Bigalow: Have a good nipple!

Deuce Bigalow: I'm fifteen hundred short. Isn't there anything else you can do?

Neil: Listen, I came all over the place... down from six grand. This is a custom hand job.

Bob Bigalow: The idea of a man-whore is a relatively new idea. Cologne?

Deuce Bigalow: No thanks.

Bob Bigalow: [loud fart in background] These women are looking for more than just sex. They want romance.

Deuce Bigalow: What do you mean?

Bob Bigalow: [another loud fart] Well, it was like when I met your mom, God rest her soul. I didn't have so much as a toilet to clean. Still, I wasn't going to pay her a dime for sex, no matter what she was charging.

Deuce Bigalow: What?

Bob Bigalow: [loud fart] Well your mom could've had any man she wanted in that strip club. And this being my first time in Bangkok, I was looking for a good time myself.

Deuce Bigalow: You met my mom where?

Bob Bigalow: It's not important.

[fart]

Bob Bigalow: The thing is, she saw something in me beyond the 200 baht. A man with an eye for adventure who wasn't afraid to risk it all.

Deuce Bigalow: Dad, are you saying that...

Bob Bigalow: [diarrhea splattering into toilet in background] So we took all her one-dollar bills off the stage, said good-bye to that donkey, and two days later we were man and wife. And we were happily married a long time.

Deuce Bigalow: So, do you think I should be more of a risk-taker?

Bob Bigalow: [toilet flushing] Worked for me.

Deuce Bigalow: Thanks, pops.

Deuce Bigalow: Whoa! Chinese Tailbar Lionfish. He's a beaut! That's an $800 fish!

Antoine Laconte: Try a grand.

Deuce Bigalow: Then you overpaid.

Detective Fowler: Listen up, man-whore. I oughta bust you right now!

Deuce Bigalow: We just had sushi!

Detective Fowler: "Sushi?" Is that what they call it nowadays? I'm hip to your man-whore slang. All right, fine. Why don't I just go have a chat with your spicy tuna roll?

Deuce Bigalow: I should have told you right from the start. But I was afraid.

Kate: Afraid of what?

Deuce Bigalow: Afraid that a girl as wonderful as you could never fall for a guy who cleans fish tanks, 'cause that's who I really am. This whole gigolo thing was just a mistake. But I'm glad it happened 'cause I never would have met you. I never would have known what love was. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect.

Kate: I'm not perfect either.

Deuce Bigalow: Yes you are. You're perfect in every way. I knew it the moment I met you.

[pulls out a folded envelope and reads]

Deuce Bigalow: "Kate, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg, but it's the most beautiful leg in the world."

T.J. Hicks: Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?

Deuce Bigalow: Really?

T.J. Hicks: Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.

Deuce Bigalow: You know the Dutch started the slave trade.

T.J. Hicks: THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!

Deuce Bigalow: T.J., I'm so glad you are here.

T.J. Hicks: How did you find me?

Deuce Bigalow: Well, this seemed like the only chicken and waffles place in all of Holland.

T.J. Hicks: Ohhh, so the black guy has to go to a chicken and waffles place, that's Racist!

Deuce Bigalow: But you're here.

T.J. Hicks: Yeah, but figuring it out was racist.

Deuce Bigalow: [noticing all the black people] This is a nice place.

Deuce Bigalow: We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.

T.J. Hicks: I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part that's bothering me. I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where am I going? Vermont?

[Frenchman is blowing smoke in Deuce's face at an aquarium in Amsterdam]

Deuce Bigalow: Excuse me, but in America, we don't allow smoking in aquariums.

Frenchman: Excuse me, but in Europe, we don't unilaterally invade another country just to steal their oil!

T.J. Hicks: That is Assapopoulos, he can kiss people with his butt whole

Deuce Bigalow: I don't ever wanna see that.

T.J. Hicks: I'm in blackface. It's my disguise. See?

Deuce Bigalow: But you look the same.

T.J. Hicks: Are you saying black people all look the same? You are such a racist! I should have the good mind not to let you help me prove that I'm innocent.

Deuce Bigalow: This shirt will make a great ice-breaker.

Angry European: Fuck you American, you imperialistic dog!

Pro American Woman: I love America, I love President Bush. Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq.

Angry European: Shut *up*!

Gaspar Voorsboch: [pointing a Sword at Deuce] You die with the rest of them, Gigolo! Those Gigalos... robbed Me of My Manhood, I was never able to satisfy a Woman, and I shall see to it that they don't either!

[Starts sword fighting with Deuce]

Deuce Bigalow: You don't have to kill anybody, Gaspar, cause You can please a Woman! These Gigalos... don't know what they're talking about!

Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [Watching from the TV outside the Building] Is He talking about us?

Deuce Bigalow: Do You really think that all a Woman wants; is for someone to give Her a mud pretzel, Turkish snow cone, or an Irish facial?

Chadsworth Buckingham, III: Yes they do, liar!

[All the Women nod in disagreement]

Deuce Bigalow: All a Woman really wants; is someone who cares about Her, asks Her about or day, or how She's feeling... or or at least pretends to.

Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [All the Women agree with Deuce] What?

Gaspar Voorsboch: ...or when She's sad...

[Gaspar lunges his sword at Deuce, but misses]

Gaspar Voorsboch: ... cry with Her! Face it, these Gigalos are just ripping Women off!

Chadsworth Buckingham, III: Hey, I'll let You know that I've had absolutely no complaints from any of those freaks!

Lily: [Slaps His Face] I faked it!

Deuce Bigalow: Women don't care if You drive a fancy car, wear a Rolex watch, or have a gigantic schlong like... Heinz Hummer.

Mahmoud: This Guy knows his shit!

Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [All the Gigalos pull out objects that make it look like they have bulges] What are You all doing?... anybody else? *Lil' Kim pulls out a Tootsie roll*

Deuce Bigalow: Let a Woman You know You really care about Her, and maybe She'll give You an Irish facial.

Gaspar Voorsboch: [Knocks the sword out of Deuces hand, pulls out the remote detonator] We die together, Deuce!

Deuce Bigalow: Please sir, You don't have to do this!

Gaspar Voorsboch: They ruined My Life!

Deuce Bigalow: Just give Me the detonator...

Gaspar Voorsboch: No, My penis exploded!

Deuce Bigalow: O.k... that's a tough one, I'll give You that, but having a penis... is overrated, trust Me.

Deuce Bigalow: [T.J. just came out of Jail] Hey, did anyone hurt you in there?

T.J. Hicks: Oh, you're asking if I got ass-pumped, is what's goin on here?

Deuce Bigalow: Not if you don't want to talk about it.

T.J. Hicks: Well, you see, it turns out that I'm not really... that attractive.

Deuce Bigalow: Well, you've been cleared of murder, but people still think you're gay.

T.J. Hicks: Hey, don't tell nobody I'm not gay, I mean, just think of it; T.J., the Gay mans Pimp, and I'm the corner Market man, check out my new bitches.

[a bunch of gay people stare, and wave at T.J]

Deuce Bigalow: O.k. then, lets go grab some chicken, and Waffles, my treat.

T.J. Hicks: Man, you said the first thing a black man wants when he gets out of jail.

Gaspar Voorsboch: We will die together, Douche!

Deuce Bigalow: Please, you don't have to do this.

Gaspar Voorsboch: Those Manwhores ruined my life!

Deuce Bigalow: Just give me the detonater.

Gaspar Voorsboch: No, my Penis exploded!

Deuce Bigalow: O.k., that's a tough one, I'll give you that, but... having a Penis, is way over rated, trust me.

Deuce Bigalow: [on the way to the Man-Whore awards, and Eva is riding behind them] Hey look, there's Eva!

Gaspar Voorsboch: Oh.

[starts speeding up]

Deuce Bigalow: Hey what are you doing, she's right behind us.

Eva: Deuce, he's the killer!

Deuce Bigalow: Huh, what?

Eva: You're with the killer!

Deuce Bigalow: Wuh... I'm with the dealer?

Eva: He's the Man-Whore killer!

Deuce Bigalow: Um, Eighteen Wheeler?

Eva: [comes right up to the Passengers Window] My uncle is the killer!

Deuce Bigalow: Oh, I'm with the...

[Gaspar points a gun towards him]

Deuce Bigalow: ...I mean... you're the Killer?

Gaspar Voorsboch: She said: You are with the killer, you stupid ho!

Deuce Bigalow: [making sense of the Situation] Ohhhhh.

[notices a hand bag with the Leopard-coat, and a wig barely showing out]

Deuce Bigalow: ...but... why, what did Man-Whores ever do to YOU?

Gaspar Voorsboch: What did they do to me? All my life, I wanted to be one thing, a Gigolo, yes, me, Gaspar Voorsboch! I'll never forget that day, it was my first Semester at Man-Whore University.

Eva: Before I can go on a date I have to eat 2 herring, collect 5 different tulips and drink a beer from a wooden shoe.

Deuce Bigalow: That's do-able!

Marlene Alsmere: Baby hungry? Want booby?

Deuce Bigalow: Baby never eat again.