Shawn Quotes in Bad Teacher (2011)

Shawn: LeBron is a better rebounder and passer.

Russell Gettis: LeBron will never beat Jordan. Call me when LeBron has six championships.

Shawn: That's your only argument?

Russell Gettis: It's the only argument I need Shawn!

Shawn: But you only shot him once, right? Maybe you gotta shoot him more times. Like four- or six- maybe you gotta shoot him six times?

Shawn: The tour is leaving right now, it's forty bones each.

Ben: Forty dollars?

Marcus: Can you spot me?

Ben: What, you don't have any cash?

Marcus: No, I'm just not paying for this bullshit.

Shawn: [on a tour bus, over the PA system] Okay folks, I am your tour guide Shawn. Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some...

Marcus: [interrupting him] Ah, buddy, you don't need that thing. This is, like, the size of a Mini Cooper.

Shawn: [grumbles to himself in Chinese]

Shawn: Don't mind him, that's just Jack Cracker.

Jenna: Jack Cracker?

Shawn: Yeah, yeah, just one of the local alligator hunters. He just sits there, yells things, drinks his own piss. He's... ah, you know, cracked.

Shawn: Now here on the Mississippi bayou, hundreds of fishermen and old pirates have lost their lives... and if we're lucky, we might just see their souls floatin' over the waters where they up and died.

Marcus: [about Marybeth] Someone wanna explain why Janey's got a gun?

Shawn: [to Marybeth] Yeah, why do you have a gun?

Marybeth: Why should I tell you, you little con artist?

Shawn: [Telling a story about Victor Crowley at the fake house] Victor Crowley, hatchet face! There was a time where his father went nuts and whacked him in the face with a hatchet one night. It had something to do with him being all ugly or...

[looks at card]

Shawn: something... anyways, he died. They say if you get close to the house, you can still hear Victor Crowley crying for his dad at night...

[lowering his voice]

Shawn: daaaaaaaaddyyy...

[gasp]

Shawn: Did you hear that?

[Gulps and lowers his voice again]

Shawn: Daaaaaaaaaaddyyy...

Marybeth: That's not the story!

Shawn: Well, it is. Just go with it.

Marybeth: That's not even the house.

Shawn: Christ's sake! Will you let me do my job?

[shouts in Chinese; stops, seeing he just went out of character and goes back to Southern voice stuttering]

Shawn: How you like fishing?

Shawn: [driving the tour bus] If you look to your right, you'll see the famous cemetery.

Misty: [looking out left window] I don't see anything.

Shawn: [Marcus and Shawn are propping up the injured Mr. Permatteo on both sides] I just wanna know why the crackers are back there with the honeys, while the brothers gotta carry the injured dude.

Marcus: I just want to get to a road - then I'm gonna whup your ass.

Shapiro: Tell me this is part of the tour.

Shawn: Oh, yeah - I sink the boat every night. It's hillarious.

Shawn: Do you love me?

Rhonda: No.

[last lines]

Shawn: [sneers] What's so funny?

[last lines]

Paige: [smugly] You look terrified

Shawn: Tristan didn't understand... he killed because he had too... not because he wanted too

Shawn: [on a tree] I went inside I told it my deepest darkest secrets... and all it asked in return... was to be fed

Tristan: [on Calvin being murdered] You seriously expect us to believe he

[Shawn]

Tristan: didn't kill him and left him out there with maggots coming out of his eyes?

Shawn: I didn't say they were coming out of his eyes... I said they were coming out of his mouth