Ham Porter Quotes in The Sandlot (1993)


Ham Porter Quotes:

  • [repeated line]

    Ham Porter: You're killing me, Smalls!

  • Ham Porter: Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?

    Smalls: Some more of what?

    Ham Porter: No, do you wanna s'more?

    Smalls: I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?

    Ham Porter: You're killing me Smalls! These are s'more's stuff! Ok, pay attention. First you take the graham, you stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the 'mallow. When the 'mallows flaming... you stick it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you scarf. Kind of messy, but good! Try some!

  • Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.

    Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth!

    Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

    Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?

    Kenny: The sultan of swat!

    Bertram: The king of crash!

    Timmy: The colossus of clout!

    Tommy: The colossus of clout!

    All: BABE RUTH!

    Ham Porter: THE GREAT BAMBINO!

    Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

    All: YES!

    Benny Rodriguez: Smalls, Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player that ever lived. People say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like Hercules or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, well, more than your whole life.

    Smalls: [Falls to the ground and clutches his stomach, groaning] I don't feel so good.

    All: [Fanning Scott with their caps] Give him air, give him air.

  • [the Sandlot Kids and their arch-rivals come face-to-face]

    Phillips: It's easy when you play with rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.

    Benny: Shut your mouth, Phillips!

    Ham Porter: What'd you say, crap face?

    Phillips: You shouldn't be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.

    Ham Porter: Come on! We'll take you on, right here! Right now! Come on!

    Sandlot Kids: Yeah!

    Phillips: We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.

    Ham Porter: Watch it, jerk!

    Phillips: Shut up, idiot!

    Ham Porter: Moron!

    Phillips: Scab eater!

    Ham Porter: Butt sniffer!

    Phillips: Pus licker!

    Ham Porter: Fart smeller!

    Bertram: [sniffs] Ahh.

    Phillips: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!

    Ham Porter: You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!

    Sandlot Kids: Yeah!

    Phillips: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!

    Ham Porter: You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl!

    [entire group stands in shocked silence]

    Phillips: What did you say?

    Ham Porter: You heard me.

    Phillips: Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.

    Ham Porter: Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!

  • Ham Porter: *play ball!* Hurry up, batter. This better be a short game, I gotta get home for lunch.

    [Pitcher pitches and the batter fails to even swing]

    Ham Porter: Haha, that's one.

    [cuts to new pitch]

    Ham Porter: [to the batter] You know, if my dog was as ugly as you. I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.

    [cuts to new pitch]

    Ham Porter: Here it comes, it's coming, I tell ya. *Strike three*

    [Porter puts the batter off, he swings and misses]

    Ham Porter: *You're out!"

    [cuts to new pitch]

    Ham Porter: Is that your sister out there in left field, naked? She's naked?

    Phillips: [swings and misses again] *Shut up Porter!*

    Ham Porter: Hey, hey, hey, I'm just trying to have a little friendly conversation, come on.

    [two seconds later]

    Ham Porter: Think she'll go out with me?

  • Ham Porter: [mimicking Babe Ruth with a cigar in his mouth; can't understand him] Check this out. I'm the Great Bambino.

    Sandlot Kids: What?

    Ham Porter: [still can't understand him] I'm the Great Bambino!

    Sandlot Kids: What?

    Ham Porter: [takes cigar out of mouth] I'm the Great Bambino.

    Sandlot Kids: Oh!

    Smalls: Who's that?

    Smalls: [narrating] I had no idea what they were talking about.

    Ham Porter: What did he say?

    Bertram: What? Were you born in a barn, man?

    Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, what planet are you from?

    Smalls: [narrating] But there was no *way* I could let them know.

    Squints: You've never heard of the sultan of swat?

    Kenny: The titan of terror.

    Timmy: The colossus of clout!

    Tommy: The colossus of clout!

    Benny Rodriguez: The king of crash, man.

    Smalls: [narrating] So, I lied.

    Smalls: Oh! The Great Bambino. Of course. I thought you said the great Bambi.

    Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?

  • Ham Porter: Benny, why'd you bring that kid?

    Benny Rodriguez: Because he makes nine of us.

    Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, so does my sister, but I didn't bring her along!

  • Ham Porter: [the kids are being chased away from the pool by the lifeguards after Squints kisses Wendy] Oh, here's your glasses. Did you plan that?

    Squints: [puts on his glasses] Of course I did. been planning it for years.

  • Sandlot Kids: [after Wendy Peffercorn pulls Squints from the pool] Squints! Come on Squints!

    Ham Porter: Come on Squints. Squints!

    Timmy: Come on, Squints, come on!

    Scotty Smalls: [shouts] Come on, Squints. You can do it! Pull through, bud!

    Benny Rodriguez: Come on, man, come on!

    Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, he looks pretty crappy.

    Tommy: Squints! Come on man!

    Bertram: My God, he looks like a dead fish.

    Sandlot Kids: [Squints opens his eyes and smiles] *What*?

    Wendy Peffercorn: [Squints kisses Wendy]

    [muffled scream]

    Wendy Peffercorn: *Ugh!* *Little pervert!*

    Timmy: Aww, man, he's in deep *shit!*

  • Ham Porter: This pop isn't workin', Benny! I'm bakin' like a toasted cheese-it! It's so hot here!

  • Smalls: Oh yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course! I thought you said the Great Bambi.

    Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?

    Smalls: Yeah, I guess. Sorry.

  • Ham Porter: You call that pitching? This is baseball! Not tennis!

  • Ham Porter: Hamilton "the Babe" Porter. "Long Ball" Porter. Come on DeNunez.

    [Points to center field like Babe Ruth. Everyone laughs]

Browse more character quotes from The Sandlot (1993)