Mrs. Dilber Quotes in Lethal Weapon (1987)

[Joshua blasts his way into Murtaugh's house and finds it empty. In the living room, 1951's "Scrooge" is playing on the television]

Ebeneezer Scrooge: Tell me, what day is it?

Mrs. Dilber: What day?

Mr. Joshua: [shoots the television] Goddamn Christmas!

Mrs. Dilber: I've got his blankets.

Old Joe: Ah, his blankets... Why, Mrs. Dilber, they're still warm! I don't pay extra for the warmth, you know.

Mrs. Dilber: You should. It's the only warmth he ever had.

Mrs. Dilber: A guinea? For me? What for?

Ebenezer: I'll give you a guess!

Mrs. Dilber: [pause] To keep me mouth shut?

Mrs. Dilber: Bob's yer uncle Mr. Scrooge!

Mrs. Dilber: [of Jacob Marley] Is he dead?

Ebenezer: Yes.

Mrs. Dilber: [to the undertaker] It's just like you said!

The Undertaker: I always know.

Mrs. Dilber: Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge! In keeping with the situation!

Mrs. Dilber: [to Bob Cratchit] I've come to say that Mister Marley ain't expected to make it through the night, and that if Mister Scrooge wishes to take his leave of him, he'd best nip along sharply, or there won't be no Mister Marley to take leave of, as we know the use of the word. He's breathing very queer - when he does breathe at all.

Mrs. Dilber: [Scrooge raises her pay from 2 shillings a week to 16] Do you want to see a doctor?

Ebenezer: A doctor? Certainly not, nor the undertaker!

Mrs. Dilber: Are you all right, Mr. Scrooge?

Ebenezer: [ecstatic] I... I don't know. I don't know anything. I never did know anything.

Ebenezer: [starts laughing]

Ebenezer: But now I KNOW that I don't know anything!

[begins to sing and clap his hands]

Ebenezer: I don't know anything!/ I never did know anything!/ But now I know that I don't know/ All on a Christmas morning!

[speaking again]

Ebenezer: Shall I stand on my head? I must stand on my head.

[He does so, and Mrs. Dilber runs out screaming]

Ebenezer: Who is that? The doctor?

Mrs. Dilber: The undertaker.

Ebenezer: You don't believe in letting the grass grow under your feet, do you?

The Undertaker: Ours is a very competitive profession, sir.