Martin Riggs Quotes in Lethal Weapon (1987)

[Picking up a young prostitute]

Young prostitute: What have you got in mind?

Martin Riggs: Well, I want you to come home and watch television with me.

Young prostitute: You serious?

Martin Riggs: Yeah. "The 3 Stooges" are on in 20 minutes.

Martin Riggs: Hey, look friend, let's just cut the shit. Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm fucked.

Roger Murtaugh: Guess what?

Martin Riggs: What?

Roger Murtaugh: I don't want to work with you!

Martin Riggs: Hey, don't.

Roger Murtaugh: Ain't got no choice! Looks like we both been fucked!

Martin Riggs: Terrific.

Roger Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.

Martin Riggs: Hate him back; it works for me.

[after rescuing Roger and Rianne]

Martin Riggs: What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let's get the flock out of here!

Roger Murtaugh: Okay, clown, no bullshit! You wanna kill yourself?

Martin Riggs: Oh, for Chriss-...

Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! Yes or no - you wanna die?

Martin Riggs: Oh, I got the job done! What the hell do you want?

Roger Murtaugh: JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Martin Riggs: Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it? This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it? The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason!

Martin Riggs: The guy who shot me! The same albino jackrabbit son of a bitch who did Hunsacker.

Roger Murtaugh: You sure?

Martin Riggs: Yeah, I'm sure man. I never forget an asshole.

Roger Murtaugh: What do you do, sleep with that thing under your pillow?

Martin Riggs: I would if I slept.

Mr. Joshua: [Riggs is tied up and struggling] Why don't you save your strength? You're gonna need it.

Martin Riggs: Who's the chin?

Mr. Joshua: Endo, meet Mr. Martin Riggs. Endo here has forgotten more about dispensing pain than you and I will ever know.

Martin Riggs: Terrific.

Mr. Joshua: See, Martin, we have a problem. Since we have Murtaugh, we don't really need you. But I believe in being thorough.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, I've heard that about you.

Mr. Joshua: Yeah. Well, our problem, and yours too, is we have a shipment of merchandise to deliver.

Martin Riggs: Why don't you guys just call it heroin?

Mr. Joshua: It's rather large, this shipment. It would be unfortunate, however, if we showed up to deliver our HEROIN, and were surrounded by fifty cops.

Martin Riggs: That would be too bad.

Mr. Joshua: Yes it would be. So, it's essential for us to find out all the cops know.

Martin Riggs: Hey, we don't know shit. You- you did Hunsaker before he could say...

Mr. Joshua: No, no! I wish I could believe you. But unfortunately, I don't... Now if you would kindly tell me everything you know, I promise I'll kill you quick.

[snaps fingers]

Martin Riggs: I've told you everything I know.

Mr. Joshua: Endo...

[gestures to Endo to 'start the pain']

Martin Riggs: Wha- what the hell is that?

Mr. Joshua: I'll tell you what it is. It's called electric shock treatment.

Martin Riggs: Well, I guess we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit.

Mr. Joshua: We'll see. Endo...

Martin Riggs: I don't make things complicated. That's the way they get, all by themselves.

Martin Riggs: You know they're going to kill her, don't you?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.

Martin Riggs: So if you want her back, you're going to have to take her away from them.

Roger Murtaugh: I know.

Martin Riggs: You do this my way. You shoot, you shoot to kill, get as many of them as you can. All you got to do is just not miss.

Roger Murtaugh: I won't miss.

Martin Riggs: We're going to get bloody on this one, Rog.

Roger Murtaugh: Are you really crazy? Or are you as good as you say you are?

Martin Riggs: You're just gonna have to trust me.

Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs.

Martin Riggs: Yo!

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, if you think I'm gonna eat the world's lousiest Christmas turkey by myself, you're crazy.

Martin Riggs: Well, I got news for you, Rog: I'm not crazy.

Roger Murtaugh: I know.

Martin Riggs: Well, good. Let's eat.

Martin Riggs: I do it real good, you know.

Roger Murtaugh: Do what?

Martin Riggs: When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind. Maybe eight or even ten guys in the world could have made that shot. It's the only thing I was ever good at. Well, see ya tomorrow.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, see you.

[pauses]

Roger Murtaugh: Hey Riggs! You really like my wife's cooking?

Martin Riggs: [fixing him] No. See you tomorrow.

Roger Murtaugh: Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?

Martin Riggs: Well, I haven't killed you yet.

[Endo shocks Riggs with a device]

Mr. Joshua: Hit him again!

Martin Riggs: [Endo does]

[Martin groans as his body shakes violently]

Mr. Joshua: [soft but enthused] Hit him again.

Martin Riggs: [Endo hits him again for longer]

Mr. Joshua: C'mon, tell me about the shipment!

Martin Riggs: [yells and spouts giberrish, then spits at Endo, tries to reach Joshua] I swear I'm gonna fucking kill the both of you.

Mr. Joshua: Yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what about the *shipment*?

Drug Dealer #3: [Riggs is in a Christmas tree lot, and pretends to sample some coke for a buy] Good, huh? Tasty? Smooth?

Martin Riggs: Yeah, that's good...

Drug Dealer #1: [walking up with a beer] Here ya go, pal...

Martin Riggs: Thanks. Okay, so let's do it. How much?

Drug Dealer #3: How much for how much?

Martin Riggs: For all of it.

Drug Dealer #3: You want it all. He wants it all.

Drug Dealer #1: He wants it all, beautiful. Congratulations!

Drug Dealer #3: All right!

Martin Riggs: Maybe a nice six footer to put it under, huh?

Drug Dealer #2: You want a tree? I'll tell you what. I'll give you the best tree I got on the lot, for nothin'. But the shit's gonna cost ya... a hundred.

Martin Riggs: What, that much?

Drug Dealer #3: Hey, you said you liked it, that's a fair price.

Martin Riggs: Yeah... yeah! Hell, you only live once... get this together here...

[takes out his wallet, starts counting out a hundred dollars]

Martin Riggs: Twenty, forty, sixty, seventy...

Drug Dealer #1: Hey, what the fuck...

Drug Dealer #2: Hey, man... Hey!

Martin Riggs: C'mon, shut up man, I'm losin' count... Ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety...

Drug Dealer #2: Forget it, you dumbshit. One hundred THOUSAND. One hundred THOUSAND, DOLLARS!

Martin Riggs: A hundred thousand?

[laughs]

Martin Riggs: I'm sorry, I can't afford that, not on my salary. But I'll tell ya what, I got a better idea, here. Let me say I take the whole stash of your hands for free, and you assholes can go to jail.

[takes out his badge and puts it on the table in front of them]

Martin Riggs: What do you say about that? Now I could read you guys your rights, but ah, you guys already know what your rights are, don't you?

Drug Dealer #2: [drug dealers stare, then start to laugh] This badge ain't real. YOU ain't real.

Drug Dealer #1: No, but you sure are a crazy son of a bitch!

Martin Riggs: [They all laugh] You think I'm crazy? You call me crazy, you think I'm crazy? You wanna see crazy?

[Riggs starts slapping him self on the head, Stooges style, then pokes their eyes and slaps them, and pulls out his gun]

Martin Riggs: . Now that's a real badge, I'm a real cop, and this is a real fucking gun!

Drug Dealer #2: [menacing] Okay, pal...

Martin Riggs: Hey, noses in the dirt, asshole...

[And the guns start blazin']

Martin Riggs: You want me to drive?

Roger Murtaugh: No, you're supposed to be suicidal, remember? I'LL drive.

Martin Riggs: Anybody who drives around in this town IS suicidal.

Martin Riggs: You don't trust me at all, do you?

Roger Murtaugh: Well, I'll tell you what. You make it through tomorrow without killing anybody, especially me, or yourself, then I'll start trusting you.

Martin Riggs: Fair enough.

Roger Murtaugh: See how easy that was? Boom, still alive. Now we question him. You know why we question him? Because I got him in the leg. I didn't shoot him full of holes or try to jump off a building with him.

Martin Riggs: Hey, that's no fair. The building guy lived.

Roger Murtaugh: Pretty thin, huh?

Martin Riggs: Anorexic.

[Riggs is having doubts]

Roger Murtaugh: Why is there a problem?

Martin Riggs: There's no problem.

Roger Murtaugh: We got one dead girl and one dead guy. The dead guy kills the dead girl, we kill the dead guy 'cause he wanted us to be dead guys - it's pretty easy to me.

Roger Murtaugh: 50 years old, what a birthday, goddamn 50 years old, been on the force 20 years, not a scratch on me, not a scar, got a wife, kids, a house, a fishing boat, but I can kiss all that goodbye because my new partner has a death wish, my fucking life is over

Martin Riggs: [looks at Roger] I was...

Roger Murtaugh: Just shut up you hear, why are you talking to me anyway, I'm a dead man, yeah fuck it, you're looking a dead man here

[oncoming traffic honks at them and swerve to get out of the way]

Martin Riggs: [points at oncoming traffic] watch, watch, WATCH...

Roger Murtaugh: Don't worry, I was driving before you were itching in your daddy's pants

Martin Riggs: You know you're not the first guy to thinnk of this you know. A lot people have got problems especially during the silly season like now.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You know shit.

Martin Riggs: No, you're wrong, pal, you're wrong.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You don't know nothing. Don't touch me!

Martin Riggs: Take it easy.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Look, I didn't don any thing wrong.

Martin Riggs: I know that. It's not like your murdering anyone or anything.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: That's right.

Martin Riggs: That's right.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: The only one I hurt was me. Me!

Martin Riggs: Same way I feel. I know you're hurting. I get it. OK now, come on.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Don't come near me!

Martin Riggs: Come on. Give me a break, will ya guy. My boss is down there and he's watching us and I gotta make it look like I'm at least trying to save you. Come on. Im just gonna stand here and talk to you. That's all.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You won't try nothing.

Martin Riggs: No. I'm square with you. I won't try a thing. I won't try a thing.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Really.

Martin Riggs: What, do you think I want to fall off? I promise, I'll just talk to you.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: [easing] OK. Alright.

Martin Riggs: [showing him a cigarette] Here, do you want a cigarette. Come on, lets smoke, OK.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Yeah.

Martin Riggs: Go on, take it yeah. If we take our time we will both die of cancer.

[lights his own cigarette]

Martin Riggs: Here.

[shows him the lighter but tricks him and cuffs the two of them together]

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Hey, what are you doing.

Martin Riggs: See this key? Bye-bye.

McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You're crazy!

Martin Riggs: Now you can jump if you want to, but you'll be taking me with you and that makes you a muderer.

Martin Riggs: Roger.

Roger Murtaugh: What?

Martin Riggs: Uh, 10-4.

Roger Murtaugh: [discussing a theory] That's pretty fucking thin.

Martin Riggs: That's very thin.

Roger Murtaugh: What the hell, thin's my middle name.

Martin Riggs: Your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.

[fires his gun several more times]

Roger Murtaugh: What? What?

Martin Riggs: Nothin'.

Roger Murtaugh: Remarks like that will not get you invited to Christmas dinner.

Martin Riggs: My luck's changing for the better every day.

Martin Riggs: Maybe there's an opening in the L.A. Fire Department.

Roger Murtaugh: Listen, sorry about all that shit I was in your face about earlier... you saved my life. Thank you.

Martin Riggs: Oh, I'll bet that hurt to say.

Roger Murtaugh: [chuckles] You'll never know.

Martin Riggs: Hey, you know what?

Roger Murtaugh: What?

Martin Riggs: Well, I think your daughter kinda likes me.

Roger Murtaugh: If you touch her, I'll kill you.

Martin Riggs: Ha! You'll try.

Martin Riggs: Do you really wanna jump? Do you wanna? Well then thats fine with me. Come on, lets do it asshole. Let's do it. I wanna do it. I wanna do it.

Martin Riggs: [holding his wife's wedding photograph, crying, after deciding not to kill himself] See you later, babe.

Martin Riggs: How about it, Jack? Would you like a shot at the title?

Mr. Joshua: Don't mind if I do.

[Riggs and Murtaugh pull up outside Dixie's house to check out a theory]

Roger Murtaugh: Like I said, thin.

Martin Riggs: Probably nothing.

[the house explodes, knocking them both to the ground. Murtaugh throws himself on Riggs]

Martin Riggs: What are you, a fag?

Roger Murtaugh: Your coat's on fire!

[Riggs throws it off, then both of them look at the burning house]

Martin Riggs: Probably nothing!

Roger Murtaugh: Thin, very thin!

Martin Riggs: What did he mean when he said you owed him?

Roger Murtaugh: We served together in '65. Ia Drang Valley. Saved my life. Took a bayonet in the lungs.

Martin Riggs: That was nice of him.

Police Officer: [cops drive up after the drug dealer shoot-out] Whaddaya got, Riggs?

Martin Riggs: There's three down, and one loose in here, he's got black hair and a red shirt...

Police Officer: Okay, let's go! I'm coverin' the left side...

[Riggs weaves around through Christmas trees, and the 3rd dealer jumps him]

Drug Dealer #3: Freeze! Freeze! Gimme the gun!

[to Riggs, holding a gun to his head]

Drug Dealer #3: How's it feel, sucker?

Martin Riggs: Hey... shoot 'im!

Police Officer: Drop it, prick!

Martin Riggs: Hey, shoot him! Shoot him! Shoot him! Will somebody shoot this prick? Shoot 'im! Shoot 'im!

Drug Dealer #3: Shut the fuck up!

Policewoman: [drawing a bead on the dealer] Freeze!

Martin Riggs: Shoot him! Shoot him! Somebody shoot this prick? Shoot 'im! Shoot 'im!

Martin Riggs: [to drug dealer] Shoot me! Shoot me! Shoot me! Ohhh...

[in frustration, Riggs head-butts him, grabs the gun away from him, and holds it to the dealer's throat]

Martin Riggs: [Riggs and Murtaugh go to a bust at a "rich house"] Think I saw this house on Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless...

Martin Riggs: Maybe we'll stay alive long enough for me to buy you a present.

[Riggs is captured by General McAlister]

Martin Riggs: You're General Peter McAlister, Commander of Shadow Company.

McAlister: I see we've heard of each other.

Martin Riggs: Yep. It'll almost be a shame when I nail you.

Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs, you really like my wife's cookin'?

Martin Riggs: [after an especially long pause] Nope, I'll see you tomorrow.

Martin Riggs: [after a kid identifies the tattoo on Riggs' arm as being on the man who rigged Dixie's house to explode] Roger, that's a Special Forces tattoo.

Roger Murtaugh: No kidding.

Martin Riggs: Yeah.

Roger Murtaugh: Special forces tattoo, mercury switches, what the hell have we gotten into?

Martin Riggs: Yep. I wonder if there're any openings at the L.A. Fire Department.

Martin Riggs: Give this to your dad for me, it's a present, I don't need it anymore.

Rianne Murtaugh: [sees the gift wrapped bullet with a bow on it] It's a bullet.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, he'll know what it's for.

[Rudd fires at Riggs, hitting him several times. Riggs falls, writhing in pain. Arjen's gun clicks empty. Roger aims at him]

Roger Murtaugh: [shouting] DROP IT, ARJEN RUDD!

Martin Riggs: [weakly] Rog...

Arjen Rudd: [holds up his wallet] Diplomatic immunity.

[Roger slowly rolls his head on his neck, takes aim, and fires - his bullet goes through Rudd's wallet, and then his head]

Roger Murtaugh: It's just been revoked.

Martin Riggs: [a smoking Riggs and Murtaugh have been assigned to guard Leo] This stinks!

Capt. Murphy: I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."

Martin Riggs: [They go to leave]

Capt. Murphy: And Riggs.

Capt. Murphy: What?

Martin Riggs: [Murphy throws Riggs a desktop no smoking sign]

Capt. Murphy: You know what that says?

Martin Riggs: Yeah, the same thing as that.

[Points to a no smoking sign on the door]

Martin Riggs: But I don't give a fuck!

Capt. Murphy: [Riggs leaves. Murphy and Murtaugh look at each other]

Roger Murtaugh: You're lucky. I have to live with that.

Martin Riggs: Hey, hey. Did you get them? The bad guys? Are they all gone?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. Hey, hey. They've been... de-kaffir-nated.

[after seeing Rianne's commercial on TV]

Martin Riggs: Hey what's with you Rog? She was great, she was beautiful.

Mickey McGee: Yeah, I liked it. She made me want to go out and buy rubbers right now!

[about to pull Murtaugh off the booby-trapped toilet]

Martin Riggs: On three, what do ya say?

Roger Murtaugh: Okay.

Martin Riggs: One... two...

Roger Murtaugh: Wait, wait, wait!

Martin Riggs: What?

Roger Murtaugh: Do we do it on three? Or one, two, three, then do it?

Martin Riggs: It's your ass, Cochise!

Roger Murtaugh: My ass, yeah. On three.

Martin Riggs: We go on three?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.

[after a wild car chase, the car looks like a wreck]

Roger Murtaugh: This was a new car, Riggs...

Martin Riggs: Well, it still is!

[Riggs is about to drive up onto the center divider of an overpass in Trish's new car during pursuit]

Roger Murtaugh: You're not going to make it!

Martin Riggs: Yes, I will.

Roger Murtaugh: [anxiously] There's not enough room!

Martin Riggs: There's plenty of room, sure I'll make it!

[runs the car up onto the divider, scraping it along a metal guard-rail]

Roger Murtaugh: [screaming as sparks fly] Ah, my side panel!

Martin Riggs: [ignoring Roger and shouting to driver blocking lane beside them] Move over! Move over!

Roger Murtaugh: [to other driver] Move over, mother fucker!

Trish Murtaugh: [holds up a gold pen] Is this your pen?

Martin Riggs: Thanks,

[takes it]

Martin Riggs: I keep losing it.

[he goes back to cuting up the vegetables]

Trish Murtaugh: Something's wrong.

Martin Riggs: Naw, not really, just another goddamn pen.

[He ignores her for awhile]

Trish Murtaugh: You were saying about the pen.

Martin Riggs: Oh, it just reminds me of something thats all.

Trish Murtaugh: Reminds you of what?

Martin Riggs: Ah, reminds me of the night Vicki was killed.

Trish Murtaugh: [pause] I didn't mean to push.

Martin Riggs: Hang on that ok, we never talked about this did we.

[pauses]

Martin Riggs: Well, I supposed to be meeting her for dinner and you know one of those romantic dinners for two. I was up to my eyeballs in work and I forgot about the whole thing.

[puts the cut up vegetables into a pot]

Martin Riggs: I guess she waited in the restaurant for an hour before she decided to drive home alone. It was midnight before I got home, I got home to a ringing phone, so naturally I answered it. They told me she was killed in a car crash.

[pauses]

Martin Riggs: I should have been driving, I guess we would have been all right, huh. Anyway I remember falling down on my knees and I started shaking all over and I remember thinking I'm losing it, I'm losing it. So there I was lying on the living room floor. Lying there and I'm seeing under the couch and I see this gold pen. Gold pen just lying under the couch, I've been looking, haven't seen it in two months, there it is.

[laughs slightly]

Martin Riggs: She wasn't much of a housekeeper. And this voice goes off inside my head, kind a like a drill instructor, I really heard it. It said GET UP NOW. I didn't feel like it but I got up, muscles were still working and I drove to the hospital and identified her in the morgue and signed her out with my gold pen.

Roger Murtaugh: [walks in] Gold pen? Hey, Trish found one in the laundry the other day.

[Trish and Martin look at each other]

[Riggs has dislocated his shoulder to escaped from a straight-jacket for a bet]

Detective: How the hell do you do that man?

Martin Riggs: Well, I dislocated my shoulder one time and I can do it whenever I want.

Detective: God damn man, doesn't that hurt?

Martin Riggs: Yes it does but not as much as when I put it back in!

[Slams his shoulder into an office partition wall]

Martin Riggs: Well if it isn't Mrs. Sigmund Fraud.

Dr. Stephanie Woods: My door is always open.

Martin Riggs: Well, I think we should keep this on a professional level, don't you, Doc?

Dr. Stephanie Woods: Why do you do this to yourself Riggs?

Martin Riggs: Well, who else am I supposed to do it to? None of them'll let me. Besides, I need the money.

[McGee uses a nail gun, Riggs and Murtaugh drop to the floor, guns drawn]

Mickey McGee: Hey, Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with you guys?

Martin Riggs: I'm sorry, that's very uncool.

Mickey McGee: You're sorry? Check my shorts, for Christ's sake!

Martin Riggs: Police! Open up!

Leo Getz: How do I know it's the police?

Martin Riggs: After I shoot you through the door, you can examine the bullet. Open up!

Martin Riggs: I'm not a cop tonight, Rog. This is personal.

[shouting at the driver while hanging onto the bonnet of a moving car]

Martin Riggs: I'd like to see your drivers license and proof of insurance!

[Riggs falls of the car]

Martin Riggs: Hey, this is a real nice hobby room. All you need now is a hobby!

George: Mr. Murtaugh has a gun.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, but it's an old gun and he's not a very good shot.

Martin Riggs: This stinks!

Capt. Murphy: I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."

[after falling into a hotel swimming pool]

Martin Riggs: Where were you man? You my partner or what? Why didn't you follow me down?

Leo Getz: Yeah, why didn't you follow him down?

Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! From seven floors up?

Pieter Vorstedt: What is going on down here?

Martin Riggs: Freeze dickhead! Get down here dickhead. Come on, it's been a bad day!

[Murtaugh is lying on top of Riggs in the bath, after the explosion]

Martin Riggs: Get off me man! I don't want anybody to see us like this!

[Riggs confronts Rudd and his minions in their office]

Martin Riggs: Hey, don't bother calling the police. I'm here already.

Arjen Rudd: I should have known.

Martin Riggs: Well, well... it's the master race!

Arjen Rudd: I hope you realize the trouble you are in right now.

Martin Riggs: Well, as usual, you people have everything all upside down and turned around and back to front.

Martin Riggs: I'm surprised you haven't heard of me, I got a bad reputation, like sometimes I just go nuts like now ha ha!

Pieter Vorstedt: I was going to offer you a drink, Riggs, but I hear you're on the wagon these days.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, that stuff'll kill you quick. Listen, you know so much about me; who the hell are you?

Pieter Vorstedt: I'm the guy that changed the course of your life, man. 4 years ago, Riggs, when you were a narc down in Long Beach, you were getting too close to us so we put a contract out on you. I handled it myself; drove your car right off the fucking road, remember? Now, of course, you weren't driving. You can't imagine the surprise. I pulled back this matted mop of blood-soaked hair to see this woman's face... your wife, right? She didn't die straightaway... took a bit of time.

[Riggs angrily charges for Vorstedt, but is restrained]

Pieter Vorstedt: Don't know much luck with women, do you, Riggs?

[Murtaugh is holding a wounded Riggs in his arms after killing Aryan]

Martin Riggs: Hey Rog, could you reach into my pocket there?

[Murtaugh reaches into Riggs's pants pocket, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, thinking he wants a last smoke before he dies]

Roger Murtaugh: Here you go.

Martin Riggs: I, I want you to throw those things away, those things'll kill ya.

[after Riggs threatened Rudd in his office]

Arjen "Aryan" Rudd: Just get out of here, Kaffir-lover!

Martin Riggs: [pointing his gun at each of Rudd's henchman] Eeny... Meeny... Meinie...

[points at Vorstedt for a long moment]

Martin Riggs: [a la Curly from the Three Stooges] Hey Moe!

[Riggs shoots the fish tank, causing water and fishes to spill everywhere]

Martin Riggs: [mock saluting] Big Smile! Big Smile! BIG SMILE!

[Riggs leaves]

[Riggs sitting by the shore with his dog, Sam]

Martin Riggs: Hey, did anyone ever tell you if you sit on the rocks too long, you get piles? Come on, lets get out of here.

[Admiring the view over L.A]

Roger Murtaugh: That's downtown L.A. How would you like to have a house up here?

Martin Riggs: Well, it would be okay on the three days of the year when you can actually see it!

[Leo Getz explaining money laundering]

Leo Getz: Okay, okay, okay, okay, this is the best part okay? You make a tax deduction on interest payments you don't even make! Am I an innovator? Am I a genius?

Martin Riggs: You're a swindler!

Roger Murtaugh: Cheat!

Leo Getz: Everyone cheats a little bit... look at the Pentagon!

Rika Van Den Haas: What are you doing here?

Martin Riggs: Oh, I've just been upstairs with your boss, shooting the breeze... shooting his fish.

[Riggs has accosted Rudd, Vorstedt and several other consulate thugs in Rudd's office]

Martin Riggs: I'll make you a deal, Arjen, or Aryan, or whatever the fuck your name is, I'll make you a little deal. You fold up your tents - and get the fuck out of my country - and I won't do anything to you. I'll leave you alone.

[points his gun at Arjen's face]

Martin Riggs: Cause if you stick around here, I'm gonna FUCK YOUR ASS.

Leo Getz: Hey hey hey! Listen, if we're going, shouldn't I have a gun?

Martin Riggs, Roger Murtaugh: NO!

Martin Riggs: Eeenie, Meenie, Miennie...

[quickly]

Martin Riggs: Hey, Moe!

Martin Riggs: Do you like your chili with or without crushed Oreos?

Martin Riggs: She's got a great body. She makes you want to buy rubbers.

[Riggs crouches down under Roger's toilet, and sees the bomb planted there]

Roger Murtaugh: Tell me I'm not fucked.

Martin Riggs: [under his breath] He's fucked...

[louder]

Martin Riggs: Well, okay, but I'd be lying.

Nick Murtaugh: Hey, Hey, what's that your eating dad?

Roger Murtaugh: My tuna fish sandwich

Trish Murtaugh, Rianne Murtaugh, Nick Murtaugh, Carrie Murtaugh: TUNA!

Carrie Murtaugh: Daddy, you can't eat tuna

Roger Murtaugh: I can't eat what

Carrie Murtaugh: Mom, dad killed flipper

Trish Murtaugh: [as Rianne points to her shirt] We're boycotting tuna honey because they kill the dolphins that get's caught in the nets, ONLY albacore

Roger Murtaugh: Alba what

Nick Murtaugh: why don't have a ham sandwich

Martin Riggs: Hey, eat Miss Piggy instead

Rianne Murtaugh: [Rianne laughs and accidentally slaps Martin in the face] Oh, I'm sorry

Martin Riggs: It's only my eye

Roger Murtaugh: [to Martin] Ha, Ha, Ha

[after being sealed into a ship container, Riggs and Murtaugh turn on the lights and find themselves surrounded by bales of money]

Roger Murtaugh: Holy shit... thousands... freakin' millions!

[pulls out a handful]

Roger Murtaugh: These are thousand dollar bills! Man, with what I'm holding in my hand, I could put all my kids through college.

Martin Riggs: Why don't you take it?

Roger Murtaugh: [after a pause, throws the money down] Fuckin' drug money, man!

Martin Riggs: So what? Do something good with it. Rudd's not gonna need it, not where he's going.

Martin Riggs: Flied lice?

Uncle Benny: Flied lice? It's fried rice, you plick.

Leo Getz: Leo Getz, private investigator.

Martin Riggs: [into phone with fake accent] Private investigator? Yes, Mr. Getz, I was just wondering if you'd be willing to investigate my privates.

Leo Getz: Investigate what?

Martin Riggs: My privates, you stupid shit - shut the fuck up!

Martin Riggs: Oh. *Leo*.

Leo Getz: Hey, Riggs.

Martin Riggs: You want to get yourself shot? Is that it?

Leo Getz: No.

Martin Riggs: What the hell are you doing here?

Leo Getz: I was tailing you

Leo Getz: I'll leave you alone, okay? I mean, I guess you want to be alone

Martin Riggs: Okay,I appreciate it

Leo Getz: You know, when I was a kid, I had a pet frog

Martin Riggs: What?

Leo Getz: Just give me a second. Let me tell you this, okay?

Leo Getz: Uh, I had this pet frog, his name was Froggy. He was my best friend in the whole world. I didn't have a lot of friends. As a matter of fact... okay I had no friends, and uh, I used to kiss the frog, too. I thought maybe, uh, that it would turn into a princess since I was a boy, and uh, it could be my mother. They told me that she left or something, and my father was no bargain, and so just the frog. Froggy was my friend and I really loved him, and I took him everywhere with me, and I was riding on my bike one day and he jumped out of the box, and uh, I ran him over with the back tire. I killed him. I was really heartbroken. Really, he was my best friend in the whole world; the only thing I ever loved. And then I met you and Roger, and you guys really looked after me a lot more then you had to.

Martin Riggs: Geez, we're terrible to you, Leo.

Leo Getz: No no, it's okay, it's okay. You are my family. You are my friends. You are not better friends than Froggy. You're just different, and, uh, I just thought that *maybe* that might be relevant. Okay. I'll leave you alone now.

[Interrogating Uncle Benny in a dentist's office full of nitrous oxide]

Uncle Benny: I'm sleeping with my wife's two sisters.

Roger Murtaugh: You lucky sonofabitch.

Martin Riggs: Good for you, Uncle Benny.

Uncle Benny: Not so good when my wife finds out.

Roger Murtaugh: Assault gun... who's this joker?

Martin Riggs: I don't know, spokesman for the NRA, maybe.

Roger Murtaugh: Regular asshole. What do we do now?

Martin Riggs: Run him over.

Roger Murtaugh: What if he turns around and shoots us with that assault rifle?

Martin Riggs: Well he hasn't yet. Have you thought about that?

Roger Murtaugh: Well, what if he does?

Martin Riggs: Don't be a don't-be, be a do-be. Come on, Rodge, be positive.

Roger Murtaugh: Positive?

Martin Riggs: Yeah!

Roger Murtaugh: Well, let's run him over!

Martin Riggs: Good, I'm glad you see things my way.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, yeah, I hope he doesn't turn around!

Martin Riggs: He won't turn around. We'll creep up on him, nice and slow, so he won't notice.

Roger Murtaugh: Okay...

Martin Riggs: Will him not to turn.

[starts the car forward]

Roger Murtaugh: Will him?

Martin Riggs: The power of positive thinking. Don't turn around... don't turn around... Come on, I need you, man!

Roger Murtaugh: Don't turn around!

Martin Riggs: Believe it! We're better than him! We're better than him!

Roger Murtaugh: Don't turn!

Martin Riggs: That's it. Don't turn...

[the human tank turns]

Martin Riggs: He's turning.

Roger Murtaugh: AH, SHIT!

[Riggs swerves the car to the side and they both duck as the tank opens fire]

Martin Riggs: So this must have been what Uncle Benny meant by Four Fathers. Looks like Japan's version of the Marx brothers. Let's see we got Groucho, Harpo, Chico, and uh, Fucko.

Martin Riggs: You wanna get married, don'tcha?

Lorna: Yes I do.

Martin Riggs: Why didn't you tell me?

Lorna: Because I didn't want to put any pressure on you, Riggs. I mean, if you want to someday, that'd be great; if you don't, I love you. I'll take you any way I can get you, Riggs.

Dr. Stephanie Woods: My time is reserved for police officers with REAL problems and REAL needs. HAVE YOU GOT THAT? HAVE YOU?

Martin Riggs: Care to run that by me again?

Dr. Stephanie Woods: No! And do you know what? I don't like you.

[she walks away]

Martin Riggs: Stephanie?

Dr. Stephanie Woods: [turns around, shocked] Stephanie...?

Martin Riggs: I can't go out with you. I'm in a relationship, I'm very happy. Now you'll find somebody someday, but you've got to stop bothering me...

Dr. Stephanie Woods: [painfully embarrassed] You're disgusting. YOU'RE DISGUSTING!

[to onlookers]

Dr. Stephanie Woods: What's the matter with you people?

[Looking at a corpse]

Butters: Ah, shit. He's dead, man. He's fuckin' dead, man. Yeah, this is how he wanted to come to America, right? Where was he, in The Killing Section? This guy's been shot 4 times. At close range, like he was executed.

Roger Murtaugh: He WAS executed.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, by the crew.

Butters: What the FUCK, man? We got people gettin' killed left, right and center in this town; now we're IMPORTING victims? Hey, gangbangers wanna kill each other? No problem. You or me, one of us gets shot? Hey, occupational hazard. But just a normal guy, THIS fuckin' guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody? That ain't right.

Roger Murtaugh: Since I met you, I done some hairy shit, but this is not gonna happen. I'm gonna be a grandfather; you and Lorna are gonna have a baby. He ain't worth dying for, Riggs. He ain't worth it.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Hey, if he gets away, we can track him down later on with a - you know, with a Howitzer or somethin'. Your son-in-law's over there bleedin', we should get him and get the hell out of here. Anyway, it's rainin'.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, it's rainin'.

Martin Riggs: I'm too old for this shit, too.

Roger Murtaugh: Guy's too damned good.

Martin Riggs: Well, yeah, he's damn good. I mean, how did he do that thing with the gun? How the hell did he do that? I mean, he took my gun apart with one deft move. How did he do that? Huh? How?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah... okay. Let's go ask him.

Martin Riggs: What's goin' on Rog, why you lyin' to me? Where's the money coming from? IA says you're on the take.

Roger Murtaugh: You ever hear of Ebony Clarke?

Martin Riggs: Yeah, she writes those cheesy sex novels... why? You boinkin' her?

Roger Murtaugh: No I'm not boinkin' her, Trish is Ebony Clarke.

Martin Riggs: You *are* boinkin' her.

Roger Murtaugh: [big grin] Yeah, Yeah I'm boinkin' her.

Martin Riggs: I'll draw his fire and you run for cover.

Roger Murtaugh: No. No, no, no. *I'll* draw his fire and *you* run for cover.

Martin Riggs: What are you, out of your mind? You got a wife, kids. I got a lot less to lose than you.

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but Lorna's pregnant and you're gonna be a father.

Martin Riggs: No. Get going. Get... what did you say?

Roger Murtaugh: You're gonna be a father.

Roger Murtaugh: You okay, Riggs?

Martin Riggs: No, I'm NOT okay. I just had my ass kicked again.

Martin Riggs: It's like...

Roger Murtaugh: You're getting too old for this shit.

Martin Riggs: Yeah.

Roger Murtaugh: How about that? Finally.

Martin Riggs: No, I can't be. I mean, I'm only... Jesus.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, you're only. You can't beat the clock, Riggs.

Capt. Ed Murphy: We're dinosaurs headed for extinction.

Martin Riggs: Speak for yourself...

Capt. Ed Murphy: Gotta make way for the NEW-IMPROVED police department; guys with guns and psychology degrees, like Butters, out there.

Martin Riggs: Biter has a psychology degree?

Roger Murtaugh: More like a PSYCHO degree.

Capt. Ed Murphy: Ah, hell, I got nothin' against it; times have gotta change. Hey, I almost got shot by a hot-rodder with a zip gun; that's how far back *I* go.

Lorna Cole: What happened last night?

Martin Riggs: Oh, gunfight, explosions, sharks, you know, the usual.

Martin Riggs: You sure picked a strange angel, baby. But I got the message.

Martin Riggs: Plus they shot at me and Rog, and that pisses us off.

Uncle Benny: Really? Ha, too bad they missed!

[deleted scene]

Gomez: [Gomez calls out Riggs from the boxing ring] "I'm waiting old man"

Martin Riggs: [to Roger] "Did he say old man?"

Roger Murtaugh: [to Martin] He said "old man", old man.

[laughs]

Trish Murtaugh: Where's Lorna?

Martin Riggs: Oh, she's okay. I think she's on her third breakfast now.

Trish Murtaugh: I remember those days.

Martin Riggs: Uh, there's something I'm not supposed to tell you, too.

Roger Murtaugh: What?

Martin Riggs: Rianne's pregnant, you're going to be a grandfather.

Roger Murtaugh: Rianne's *what*?

[while the "Human Tank" is bearing down on them]

Martin Riggs: Here's what we're gonna do! Take your clothes off!

Roger Murtaugh: What the hell for?

Martin Riggs: What for?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah!

Martin Riggs: Okay, you run, Flame-O here turns and sees you in your undies, it distracts him - I know it'd distract me - and that's when I shoot!

Roger Murtaugh: Shoot what?

Martin Riggs: The valve on that napalm tank!

Roger Murtaugh: You're gonna hit that itty-bitty valve before he shoots me?

Martin Riggs: Maybe.

Roger Murtaugh: *Maybe*?

[while the "Human Tank" is bearing down on them]

Roger Murtaugh: Is he black?

Martin Riggs: Too much armor on, I can't tell!

Roger Murtaugh: No, not him! The father of the baby!

Martin Riggs: ...Okay!

Roger Murtaugh: Oh, please let him be black!

[Riggs comes home]

Martin Riggs: Hey. You look a little banged up.

Lorna: Well, you look a little knocked up.

Martin Riggs: So who's the lucky, soon-to-be-dead son-in-law?

Martin Riggs: What I wouldn't give for a siren right now!

Roger Murtaugh: [sticking his head out the car window] Aawwwww!

Martin Riggs: I'm not too old for this shit.

Martin Riggs: Who's that guy with the white pajamas? You know who that is?

Detective Ng: That's Wah Sing Ku. The Four Father with him is his older brother.

Martin Riggs: No kidding?

Roger Murtaugh: Seven days to retirement, I'm busted down to patrolman.

Martin Riggs: I should have cut the red wire.

Roger Murtaugh: You did cut the red wire.

Martin Riggs: No, I didn't, I cut the blue wire.

Roger Murtaugh: That's what I meant. We should have waited for the bomb squad!

Martin Riggs: Am I gonna have to listen to this every day?

Roger Murtaugh: Every day until I retire.

Martin Riggs: Well, that'll be a week too long for me.

Roger Murtaugh: My feet are killing me...

Martin Riggs: Yeah, your feet are killing me, too.

Roger Murtaugh: Well, how could my feet be killing you?

Martin Riggs: 'Cause I gotta listen to you bitch about them all day!

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, and you're gonna have to listen to me bitch, because you should have cut the red wire!

Martin Riggs: Look, that kid was a killer, alright? That wasn't a Tinker Toy in his hand, that was a machine pistol with twin carbies and all the trimmings, man! He would've drilled you, me, anybody that came along, alright? You had no choice.

Roger Murtaugh: Oh no, it didn't happen to you, Riggs, it happened to me! It happened to me! I killed that kid, I killed that boy. Oh yeah, oh you killed a lot of people, you kill a fuckin' lot of people. You ever kill a baby?

Martin Riggs: You selfish...

Roger Murtaugh: You got ice in your veins. You don't kill a boy like Nick.

Martin Riggs: You selfish bastard! You selfish bastard, you're just thinking about yourself! What about me? We're partners, we are partners. What happens to you, happens to me.

Martin Riggs: After all the shit we've been through, don't you get it? Don't you get it? When you retire, you're not just retiring you, you're retiring us. You're retiring us.

Roger Murtaugh: That's not my problem. That's not my problem!

Martin Riggs: You're the only family I've got! I've got three beautiful kids, I love them, they're yours. Trish does my laundry, I live in your icebox, I live in your life! What am I gonna do? What am I supposed to do?

Leo Getz: Those doctors are savages. I mean, where does it say that a gunshot wound requires a rectal exam?

[Murtaugh rolls his eyes at Riggs]

Leo Getz: Yeah. With a telescope big enough to see Venus!

Martin Riggs: I guess all they saw was Uranus, huh?

Leo Getz: Oh, that's great, Riggs. Ha ha. That's great. Well, you know what I say? They FUCK you at the hospital! First they drug you, then they FUCK you! And when they're done FUCKING you, along comes the insurance company and FUCKS you some more! Ten dollars for a FUCKING aspirin...

Trish: Aren't you forgetting something?

Roger Murtaugh: Oh.

[puckers lips]

Trish: [thrusts bulletproof vest upon him] THIS! You wear it, you eat in it, you sleep in it! Okay? 6 more days! And Riggs, keep an eye on him.

Martin Riggs: Okay.

Roger Murtaugh: She loves me.

Roger Murtaugh: I hope that when I do retire your new partner is just like you.

Martin Riggs: That won't happen to me because there are winners and there are losers, and God wouldn't do that to me.

Cop in boat: [to Riggs and Murtaugh, who are in the water] Whatta you boys doin' down there?

Martin Riggs: We're in the middle of a case... of scotch.

[Murtaugh throws a machine gun towards Riggs]

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs! Cop killers!

[Riggs shoots through the tractor and hits Travis]

Martin Riggs: Ex-cop killers.

Captain Ed Murphy: Wait a minute! Look, maybe these guys can contribute something to this case.

Ernie - Detective: From what I've seen of their records, the only thing they do contribute is mayhem and chaos.

Martin Riggs: No, I'm Chaos, and he's Mayhem. We're a double act. What are we, required reading, or something?

Lorna Cole: As a matter of fact, you are. It's a cross between Police Gazette and Mad Magazine.

[Siphoning gas]

Martin Riggs: Yuck, Exxon!

[Riggs and Murtaugh look sheepishly at the other cops on the building explosion scene. Murtaugh can only hold up the stray cat. The others applaud sarcastically]

Policeman who says 'Bravo' after explosion: Bravo.

[Riggs and Murtaugh sink back behind their car]

Martin Riggs: Oops!

Roger Murtaugh: Right, oops.

Martin Riggs: [to Lorna] Step into my orifice.

Jack Travis: Go to hell, Riggs.

Martin Riggs: You first.

Martin Riggs: [punching a suspect who's waking from unconsciousness] Back to bed. Back to bed.

Roger Murtaugh: I knew you couldn't stop smoking.

Martin Riggs: I'm only smoking to take my mind off my dog biscuit problem.

Roger Murtaugh: What dog biscuit problem?

Martin Riggs: Well I been chasing more cars lately and uh, y'know, when I try and lick my balls I keep falling off the couch.

[during a fight, Lorna grabs a man's crotch, making Murtaugh and Riggs wince]

Martin Riggs: Grabbed his clusters!

Martin Riggs: Hey, Ernie.

Ernie - Detective: Hey, Riggs. Cut any loose wires lately?

Martin Riggs: Nah, I haven't done that for a couple days now.

Ernie - Detective: Right. Next time...

Martin Riggs, Ernie - Detective: Wait for the bomb squad.

Ernie - Detective: Yeah, wait for the bomb squad! It's our job, remember?

Martin Riggs: Hey, I saved a cat. What else do you want?

Ernie - Detective: Great. I love cats.

Martin Riggs: He's done this twice, oh, damn! I'm gonna suck his eyes out through his nose!

Roger Murtaugh: I got 8 days to my retirement, and I will NOT make a stupid mistake!

Martin Riggs: Look, there is no bomb in that building! I will bet vital parts of my anatomy to the fact! Trust me, okay? Trust me!

Roger Murtaugh: That's usually my first mistake!

Lorna Cole: Are you trying to bait me, Riggs?

Martin Riggs: I'm a master of it.

Lorna Cole: Now, that I can believe.

Martin Riggs: Rodge.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah?

Martin Riggs: Grab the cat!

Roger Murtaugh: I thought you said you were gonna cut the red wire!

Martin Riggs: Well I did, didn't I?

Roger Murtaugh: No! You cut the blue wire!

Martin Riggs: Well I meant the red wire.

Leo Getz: Hey, guys, guys! You think I could get a gun this time?

Roger Murtaugh, Martin Riggs: NO!

[Riggs uncovers the bomb in the ICSI building]

Martin Riggs: Oh my, more plastic than Cher. I love this job.

[Something jumps on the car with the bomb in it. They stand to see what it is, and a stray cat meows at them]

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, everyone else is outside. Only me, you and this cat are dumb enough to be in here.

Martin Riggs: Nearly a CAT-astrophe, huh?