Roger Murtaugh Quotes in Lethal Weapon (1987)

[Repeated line in all 4 movies]

Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit!

Martin Riggs: Hey, look friend, let's just cut the shit. Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm fucked.

Roger Murtaugh: Guess what?

Martin Riggs: What?

Roger Murtaugh: I don't want to work with you!

Martin Riggs: Hey, don't.

Roger Murtaugh: Ain't got no choice! Looks like we both been fucked!

Martin Riggs: Terrific.

Roger Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.

Martin Riggs: Hate him back; it works for me.

Sergeant McCaskey: You know, Roger, you are way behind the times. The guys of the 80s aren't tough. They are sensitive people. Show a little emotion to a woman and shit like that. I think I'm an '80s man...

Roger Murtaugh: How do you figure?

Sergeant McCaskey: Last night I cried in bed. So how is that?

Roger Murtaugh: Were you with a woman?

Sergeant McCaskey: I was alone. Why do you think I cried?

Roger Murtaugh: Sounds like an '80s man to me...

Roger Murtaugh: Okay, clown, no bullshit! You wanna kill yourself?

Martin Riggs: Oh, for Chriss-...

Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! Yes or no - you wanna die?

Martin Riggs: Oh, I got the job done! What the hell do you want?

Roger Murtaugh: JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Martin Riggs: Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it? This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it? The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason!

Martin Riggs: The guy who shot me! The same albino jackrabbit son of a bitch who did Hunsacker.

Roger Murtaugh: You sure?

Martin Riggs: Yeah, I'm sure man. I never forget an asshole.

[after stopping Riggs from shooting himself]

Roger Murtaugh: You're not trying to draw a psycho pension! You really are crazy!

Roger Murtaugh: What do you do, sleep with that thing under your pillow?

Martin Riggs: I would if I slept.

Martin Riggs: You know they're going to kill her, don't you?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.

Martin Riggs: So if you want her back, you're going to have to take her away from them.

Roger Murtaugh: I know.

Martin Riggs: You do this my way. You shoot, you shoot to kill, get as many of them as you can. All you got to do is just not miss.

Roger Murtaugh: I won't miss.

Martin Riggs: We're going to get bloody on this one, Rog.

Roger Murtaugh: Are you really crazy? Or are you as good as you say you are?

Martin Riggs: You're just gonna have to trust me.

Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs.

Martin Riggs: Yo!

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, if you think I'm gonna eat the world's lousiest Christmas turkey by myself, you're crazy.

Martin Riggs: Well, I got news for you, Rog: I'm not crazy.

Roger Murtaugh: I know.

Martin Riggs: Well, good. Let's eat.

Martin Riggs: I do it real good, you know.

Roger Murtaugh: Do what?

Martin Riggs: When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind. Maybe eight or even ten guys in the world could have made that shot. It's the only thing I was ever good at. Well, see ya tomorrow.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, see you.

[pauses]

Roger Murtaugh: Hey Riggs! You really like my wife's cooking?

Martin Riggs: [fixing him] No. See you tomorrow.

Roger Murtaugh: Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?

Martin Riggs: Well, I haven't killed you yet.

Martin Riggs: You want me to drive?

Roger Murtaugh: No, you're supposed to be suicidal, remember? I'LL drive.

Martin Riggs: Anybody who drives around in this town IS suicidal.

Martin Riggs: You don't trust me at all, do you?

Roger Murtaugh: Well, I'll tell you what. You make it through tomorrow without killing anybody, especially me, or yourself, then I'll start trusting you.

Martin Riggs: Fair enough.

Roger Murtaugh: See how easy that was? Boom, still alive. Now we question him. You know why we question him? Because I got him in the leg. I didn't shoot him full of holes or try to jump off a building with him.

Martin Riggs: Hey, that's no fair. The building guy lived.

Roger Murtaugh: Pretty thin, huh?

Martin Riggs: Anorexic.

[Riggs is having doubts]

Roger Murtaugh: Why is there a problem?

Martin Riggs: There's no problem.

Roger Murtaugh: We got one dead girl and one dead guy. The dead guy kills the dead girl, we kill the dead guy 'cause he wanted us to be dead guys - it's pretty easy to me.

Roger Murtaugh: 50 years old, what a birthday, goddamn 50 years old, been on the force 20 years, not a scratch on me, not a scar, got a wife, kids, a house, a fishing boat, but I can kiss all that goodbye because my new partner has a death wish, my fucking life is over

Martin Riggs: [looks at Roger] I was...

Roger Murtaugh: Just shut up you hear, why are you talking to me anyway, I'm a dead man, yeah fuck it, you're looking a dead man here

[oncoming traffic honks at them and swerve to get out of the way]

Martin Riggs: [points at oncoming traffic] watch, watch, WATCH...

Roger Murtaugh: Don't worry, I was driving before you were itching in your daddy's pants

Martin Riggs: Roger.

Roger Murtaugh: What?

Martin Riggs: Uh, 10-4.

Roger Murtaugh: [discussing a theory] That's pretty fucking thin.

Martin Riggs: That's very thin.

Roger Murtaugh: What the hell, thin's my middle name.

Martin Riggs: Your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.

[fires his gun several more times]

Roger Murtaugh: What? What?

Martin Riggs: Nothin'.

Roger Murtaugh: Remarks like that will not get you invited to Christmas dinner.

Martin Riggs: My luck's changing for the better every day.

Roger Murtaugh: Listen, sorry about all that shit I was in your face about earlier... you saved my life. Thank you.

Martin Riggs: Oh, I'll bet that hurt to say.

Roger Murtaugh: [chuckles] You'll never know.

Martin Riggs: Hey, you know what?

Roger Murtaugh: What?

Martin Riggs: Well, I think your daughter kinda likes me.

Roger Murtaugh: If you touch her, I'll kill you.

Martin Riggs: Ha! You'll try.

[Riggs and Murtaugh pull up outside Dixie's house to check out a theory]

Roger Murtaugh: Like I said, thin.

Martin Riggs: Probably nothing.

[the house explodes, knocking them both to the ground. Murtaugh throws himself on Riggs]

Martin Riggs: What are you, a fag?

Roger Murtaugh: Your coat's on fire!

[Riggs throws it off, then both of them look at the burning house]

Martin Riggs: Probably nothing!

Roger Murtaugh: Thin, very thin!

[aiming his gun at Mcalister's oncoming car]

Roger Murtaugh: No way you live. No way.

[last lines]

Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this...

Martin Riggs: What did he mean when he said you owed him?

Roger Murtaugh: We served together in '65. Ia Drang Valley. Saved my life. Took a bayonet in the lungs.

Martin Riggs: That was nice of him.

Roger Murtaugh: [about Rianne's date] The one with the pits in his face?

Rianne Murtaugh: Those are dimples!

Roger Murtaugh: Those are pits. When he smiles, I can see through his head.

Roger Murtaugh: [to Joshua] Looking for your general friend? He's barbecuing his nuts on Hollywood Blvd.

[When Joshua is panting on the lawn after the title-fight]

Roger Murtaugh: Get that shit off my lawn!

Culprit: [punches Murtaugh in the mouth] The shipment, Mr. Murtaugh.

Roger Murtaugh: [blood and sweat dripping] Go spit.

Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs, you really like my wife's cookin'?

Martin Riggs: [after an especially long pause] Nope, I'll see you tomorrow.

Beat Cop: Had a jumper here last night, Dixie was walking by, saw the whole thing.

Roger Murtaugh: You got a statement from her, send her home.

Dixie: Oh, thanks, I'm beat. You know how it is...

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, yeah, sure. All dressed up and no one to blow.

Dixie: You're hilarious. God, I don't believe this...

Martin Riggs: [after a kid identifies the tattoo on Riggs' arm as being on the man who rigged Dixie's house to explode] Roger, that's a Special Forces tattoo.

Roger Murtaugh: No kidding.

Martin Riggs: Yeah.

Roger Murtaugh: Special forces tattoo, mercury switches, what the hell have we gotten into?

Martin Riggs: Yep. I wonder if there're any openings at the L.A. Fire Department.

Roger Murtaugh: General McAlister. Time for you to die.

Roger Murtaugh: I was driving before you were a itch in your daddy's pants!

[Rudd fires at Riggs, hitting him several times. Riggs falls, writhing in pain. Arjen's gun clicks empty. Roger aims at him]

Roger Murtaugh: [shouting] DROP IT, ARJEN RUDD!

Martin Riggs: [weakly] Rog...

Arjen Rudd: [holds up his wallet] Diplomatic immunity.

[Roger slowly rolls his head on his neck, takes aim, and fires - his bullet goes through Rudd's wallet, and then his head]

Roger Murtaugh: It's just been revoked.

[last lines]

Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit.

Martin Riggs: [a smoking Riggs and Murtaugh have been assigned to guard Leo] This stinks!

Capt. Murphy: I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."

Martin Riggs: [They go to leave]

Capt. Murphy: And Riggs.

Capt. Murphy: What?

Martin Riggs: [Murphy throws Riggs a desktop no smoking sign]

Capt. Murphy: You know what that says?

Martin Riggs: Yeah, the same thing as that.

[Points to a no smoking sign on the door]

Martin Riggs: But I don't give a fuck!

Capt. Murphy: [Riggs leaves. Murphy and Murtaugh look at each other]

Roger Murtaugh: You're lucky. I have to live with that.

Martin Riggs: Hey, hey. Did you get them? The bad guys? Are they all gone?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. Hey, hey. They've been... de-kaffir-nated.

[about to pull Murtaugh off the booby-trapped toilet]

Martin Riggs: On three, what do ya say?

Roger Murtaugh: Okay.

Martin Riggs: One... two...

Roger Murtaugh: Wait, wait, wait!

Martin Riggs: What?

Roger Murtaugh: Do we do it on three? Or one, two, three, then do it?

Martin Riggs: It's your ass, Cochise!

Roger Murtaugh: My ass, yeah. On three.

Martin Riggs: We go on three?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.

[after shooting 2 criminals with a nail gun]

Roger Murtaugh: Nailed 'em both!

[after a wild car chase, the car looks like a wreck]

Roger Murtaugh: This was a new car, Riggs...

Martin Riggs: Well, it still is!

[Riggs is about to drive up onto the center divider of an overpass in Trish's new car during pursuit]

Roger Murtaugh: You're not going to make it!

Martin Riggs: Yes, I will.

Roger Murtaugh: [anxiously] There's not enough room!

Martin Riggs: There's plenty of room, sure I'll make it!

[runs the car up onto the divider, scraping it along a metal guard-rail]

Roger Murtaugh: [screaming as sparks fly] Ah, my side panel!

Martin Riggs: [ignoring Roger and shouting to driver blocking lane beside them] Move over! Move over!

Roger Murtaugh: [to other driver] Move over, mother fucker!

Trish Murtaugh: [holds up a gold pen] Is this your pen?

Martin Riggs: Thanks,

[takes it]

Martin Riggs: I keep losing it.

[he goes back to cuting up the vegetables]

Trish Murtaugh: Something's wrong.

Martin Riggs: Naw, not really, just another goddamn pen.

[He ignores her for awhile]

Trish Murtaugh: You were saying about the pen.

Martin Riggs: Oh, it just reminds me of something thats all.

Trish Murtaugh: Reminds you of what?

Martin Riggs: Ah, reminds me of the night Vicki was killed.

Trish Murtaugh: [pause] I didn't mean to push.

Martin Riggs: Hang on that ok, we never talked about this did we.

[pauses]

Martin Riggs: Well, I supposed to be meeting her for dinner and you know one of those romantic dinners for two. I was up to my eyeballs in work and I forgot about the whole thing.

[puts the cut up vegetables into a pot]

Martin Riggs: I guess she waited in the restaurant for an hour before she decided to drive home alone. It was midnight before I got home, I got home to a ringing phone, so naturally I answered it. They told me she was killed in a car crash.

[pauses]

Martin Riggs: I should have been driving, I guess we would have been all right, huh. Anyway I remember falling down on my knees and I started shaking all over and I remember thinking I'm losing it, I'm losing it. So there I was lying on the living room floor. Lying there and I'm seeing under the couch and I see this gold pen. Gold pen just lying under the couch, I've been looking, haven't seen it in two months, there it is.

[laughs slightly]

Martin Riggs: She wasn't much of a housekeeper. And this voice goes off inside my head, kind a like a drill instructor, I really heard it. It said GET UP NOW. I didn't feel like it but I got up, muscles were still working and I drove to the hospital and identified her in the morgue and signed her out with my gold pen.

Roger Murtaugh: [walks in] Gold pen? Hey, Trish found one in the laundry the other day.

[Trish and Martin look at each other]

[after Riggs and Leo have a rude confrontation]

Leo Getz: Oh I get it.

[Points to Riggs then Murtaugh]

Leo Getz: Bad cop, good cop.

Roger Murtaugh: Shut up.

Leo Getz: Oh okay, bad cop, bad cop.

[after the envoys states that Murtaugh can't go to South Africa because he's black]

Roger Murtaugh: Of course I'm black. That's why I want to go to South Africa.

Roger Murtaugh: [louder and more militant] To join my oppressed brothers as they take up the struggle against this racist, fascist, White Minority Regime!

Leo Getz: Racist White Regime!

Roger Murtaugh: One man, one vote!

Leo Getz: One man, one vote!

Roger Murtaugh: [Loudly] Free South Africa you dumb son of a bitch!

Leo Getz: You dumb son of a bitch!

Consulate Envoy: That's quite enough! Get out!

[Security tries to remove Getz and Murtaugh, resuting in a full scale riot inside and outside the Consulate]

Roger Murtaugh: George... Home!... Out!

George: But sir, I...

Roger Murtaugh: George, I got a gun!

George: Yes Sir!

[after falling into a hotel swimming pool]

Martin Riggs: Where were you man? You my partner or what? Why didn't you follow me down?

Leo Getz: Yeah, why didn't you follow him down?

Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! From seven floors up?

[Murtaugh is holding a wounded Riggs in his arms after killing Aryan]

Martin Riggs: Hey Rog, could you reach into my pocket there?

[Murtaugh reaches into Riggs's pants pocket, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, thinking he wants a last smoke before he dies]

Roger Murtaugh: Here you go.

Martin Riggs: I, I want you to throw those things away, those things'll kill ya.

[At the South African Consulate]

Roger Murtaugh: How you doin'?

[his handshake is ignored by the Envoy]

Consulate Envoy: I think there must be some mistake.

Roger Murtaugh: Say what?

Consulate Envoy: Listen to your friend here, he knows what he's talking about. I don't think you want to go to South Africa.

Roger Murtaugh: Why not?

Consulate Envoy: Because you're black!

Leo Getz: [to Murtaugh] You are.

[to Envoy]

Leo Getz: He is.

[Admiring the view over L.A]

Roger Murtaugh: That's downtown L.A. How would you like to have a house up here?

Martin Riggs: Well, it would be okay on the three days of the year when you can actually see it!

[Leo Getz explaining money laundering]

Leo Getz: Okay, okay, okay, okay, this is the best part okay? You make a tax deduction on interest payments you don't even make! Am I an innovator? Am I a genius?

Martin Riggs: You're a swindler!

Roger Murtaugh: Cheat!

Leo Getz: Everyone cheats a little bit... look at the Pentagon!

Leo Getz: Hey hey hey! Listen, if we're going, shouldn't I have a gun?

Martin Riggs, Roger Murtaugh: NO!

[Riggs crouches down under Roger's toilet, and sees the bomb planted there]

Roger Murtaugh: Tell me I'm not fucked.

Martin Riggs: [under his breath] He's fucked...

[louder]

Martin Riggs: Well, okay, but I'd be lying.

Nick Murtaugh: Hey, Hey, what's that your eating dad?

Roger Murtaugh: My tuna fish sandwich

Trish Murtaugh, Rianne Murtaugh, Nick Murtaugh, Carrie Murtaugh: TUNA!

Carrie Murtaugh: Daddy, you can't eat tuna

Roger Murtaugh: I can't eat what

Carrie Murtaugh: Mom, dad killed flipper

Trish Murtaugh: [as Rianne points to her shirt] We're boycotting tuna honey because they kill the dolphins that get's caught in the nets, ONLY albacore

Roger Murtaugh: Alba what

Nick Murtaugh: why don't have a ham sandwich

Martin Riggs: Hey, eat Miss Piggy instead

Rianne Murtaugh: [Rianne laughs and accidentally slaps Martin in the face] Oh, I'm sorry

Martin Riggs: It's only my eye

Roger Murtaugh: [to Martin] Ha, Ha, Ha

[after being sealed into a ship container, Riggs and Murtaugh turn on the lights and find themselves surrounded by bales of money]

Roger Murtaugh: Holy shit... thousands... freakin' millions!

[pulls out a handful]

Roger Murtaugh: These are thousand dollar bills! Man, with what I'm holding in my hand, I could put all my kids through college.

Martin Riggs: Why don't you take it?

Roger Murtaugh: [after a pause, throws the money down] Fuckin' drug money, man!

Martin Riggs: So what? Do something good with it. Rudd's not gonna need it, not where he's going.

[after Riggs just destroyed a house on a cliff]

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, you crazy son of a bitch!

Athlete on T.V: Another day, another hobby.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah another day, another hobby. What's new?

[Interrogating Uncle Benny in a dentist's office full of nitrous oxide]

Uncle Benny: I'm sleeping with my wife's two sisters.

Roger Murtaugh: You lucky sonofabitch.

Martin Riggs: Good for you, Uncle Benny.

Uncle Benny: Not so good when my wife finds out.

Roger Murtaugh: Assault gun... who's this joker?

Martin Riggs: I don't know, spokesman for the NRA, maybe.

Roger Murtaugh: Regular asshole. What do we do now?

Martin Riggs: Run him over.

Roger Murtaugh: What if he turns around and shoots us with that assault rifle?

Martin Riggs: Well he hasn't yet. Have you thought about that?

Roger Murtaugh: Well, what if he does?

Martin Riggs: Don't be a don't-be, be a do-be. Come on, Rodge, be positive.

Roger Murtaugh: Positive?

Martin Riggs: Yeah!

Roger Murtaugh: Well, let's run him over!

Martin Riggs: Good, I'm glad you see things my way.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, yeah, I hope he doesn't turn around!

Martin Riggs: He won't turn around. We'll creep up on him, nice and slow, so he won't notice.

Roger Murtaugh: Okay...

Martin Riggs: Will him not to turn.

[starts the car forward]

Roger Murtaugh: Will him?

Martin Riggs: The power of positive thinking. Don't turn around... don't turn around... Come on, I need you, man!

Roger Murtaugh: Don't turn around!

Martin Riggs: Believe it! We're better than him! We're better than him!

Roger Murtaugh: Don't turn!

Martin Riggs: That's it. Don't turn...

[the human tank turns]

Martin Riggs: He's turning.

Roger Murtaugh: AH, SHIT!

[Riggs swerves the car to the side and they both duck as the tank opens fire]

[Looking at a corpse]

Butters: Ah, shit. He's dead, man. He's fuckin' dead, man. Yeah, this is how he wanted to come to America, right? Where was he, in The Killing Section? This guy's been shot 4 times. At close range, like he was executed.

Roger Murtaugh: He WAS executed.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, by the crew.

Butters: What the FUCK, man? We got people gettin' killed left, right and center in this town; now we're IMPORTING victims? Hey, gangbangers wanna kill each other? No problem. You or me, one of us gets shot? Hey, occupational hazard. But just a normal guy, THIS fuckin' guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody? That ain't right.

Roger Murtaugh: Since I met you, I done some hairy shit, but this is not gonna happen. I'm gonna be a grandfather; you and Lorna are gonna have a baby. He ain't worth dying for, Riggs. He ain't worth it.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Hey, if he gets away, we can track him down later on with a - you know, with a Howitzer or somethin'. Your son-in-law's over there bleedin', we should get him and get the hell out of here. Anyway, it's rainin'.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, it's rainin'.

Martin Riggs: I'm too old for this shit, too.

Roger Murtaugh: Guy's too damned good.

Martin Riggs: Well, yeah, he's damn good. I mean, how did he do that thing with the gun? How the hell did he do that? I mean, he took my gun apart with one deft move. How did he do that? Huh? How?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah... okay. Let's go ask him.

Martin Riggs: What's goin' on Rog, why you lyin' to me? Where's the money coming from? IA says you're on the take.

Roger Murtaugh: You ever hear of Ebony Clarke?

Martin Riggs: Yeah, she writes those cheesy sex novels... why? You boinkin' her?

Roger Murtaugh: No I'm not boinkin' her, Trish is Ebony Clarke.

Martin Riggs: You *are* boinkin' her.

Roger Murtaugh: [big grin] Yeah, Yeah I'm boinkin' her.

Martin Riggs: I'll draw his fire and you run for cover.

Roger Murtaugh: No. No, no, no. *I'll* draw his fire and *you* run for cover.

Martin Riggs: What are you, out of your mind? You got a wife, kids. I got a lot less to lose than you.

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but Lorna's pregnant and you're gonna be a father.

Martin Riggs: No. Get going. Get... what did you say?

Roger Murtaugh: You're gonna be a father.

Roger Murtaugh: You okay, Riggs?

Martin Riggs: No, I'm NOT okay. I just had my ass kicked again.

Martin Riggs: It's like...

Roger Murtaugh: You're getting too old for this shit.

Martin Riggs: Yeah.

Roger Murtaugh: How about that? Finally.

Martin Riggs: No, I can't be. I mean, I'm only... Jesus.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, you're only. You can't beat the clock, Riggs.

Capt. Ed Murphy: We're dinosaurs headed for extinction.

Martin Riggs: Speak for yourself...

Capt. Ed Murphy: Gotta make way for the NEW-IMPROVED police department; guys with guns and psychology degrees, like Butters, out there.

Martin Riggs: Biter has a psychology degree?

Roger Murtaugh: More like a PSYCHO degree.

Capt. Ed Murphy: Ah, hell, I got nothin' against it; times have gotta change. Hey, I almost got shot by a hot-rodder with a zip gun; that's how far back *I* go.

[Leo tries to find his bags on Roger's boat]

Leo: Okay, you said "aft," right?

Roger Murtaugh: A-F-T. Aft.

Leo: That's a fucking word?

Roger Murtaugh: In the back of the cabin on the right side, Leo.

Leo: Well, why didn't you say that in the first place, ROGER? I love these people. Put them around boats and water and all of the sudden everything becomes fucking nautical. "Astern. Avast you landlubbers. Man the bilge pumps." Pump your fucking ass.

Roger Murtaugh: Hey Riggs, why did you call him my son-in-law?

Lee Butters: 'Cause I aaaam.

[deleted scene]

Gomez: [Gomez calls out Riggs from the boxing ring] "I'm waiting old man"

Martin Riggs: [to Roger] "Did he say old man?"

Roger Murtaugh: [to Martin] He said "old man", old man.

[laughs]

Martin Riggs: Uh, there's something I'm not supposed to tell you, too.

Roger Murtaugh: What?

Martin Riggs: Rianne's pregnant, you're going to be a grandfather.

Roger Murtaugh: Rianne's *what*?

[while the "Human Tank" is bearing down on them]

Martin Riggs: Here's what we're gonna do! Take your clothes off!

Roger Murtaugh: What the hell for?

Martin Riggs: What for?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah!

Martin Riggs: Okay, you run, Flame-O here turns and sees you in your undies, it distracts him - I know it'd distract me - and that's when I shoot!

Roger Murtaugh: Shoot what?

Martin Riggs: The valve on that napalm tank!

Roger Murtaugh: You're gonna hit that itty-bitty valve before he shoots me?

Martin Riggs: Maybe.

Roger Murtaugh: *Maybe*?

[while the "Human Tank" is bearing down on them]

Roger Murtaugh: Is he black?

Martin Riggs: Too much armor on, I can't tell!

Roger Murtaugh: No, not him! The father of the baby!

Martin Riggs: ...Okay!

Roger Murtaugh: Oh, please let him be black!

Martin Riggs: What I wouldn't give for a siren right now!

Roger Murtaugh: [sticking his head out the car window] Aawwwww!

Roger Murtaugh: Since I met Riggs, I've had my house destroyed, my car wrecked, and now my BOAT SUNK. What's left?

Leo Getz: I think that's about it.

[interrogating Uncle Benny at a private dentist's office after accidentally filling the room with nitrous oxide]

Roger Murtaugh: [laughing and pointing to the gas mask that Butters is holding] Hey... Hey, what's that you got there?

Butters: [laughing] Uh... A nut cup? I got some big nuts.

[Roger takes the mask from Butters and inhales deeply]

Roger Murtaugh: That's nitro... oxide?

Butters: [laughing harder] It's laughing gas.

Roger Murtaugh: [hysterical] We... W-W-We're stoned.

Roger Murtaugh: Seven days to retirement, I'm busted down to patrolman.

Martin Riggs: I should have cut the red wire.

Roger Murtaugh: You did cut the red wire.

Martin Riggs: No, I didn't, I cut the blue wire.

Roger Murtaugh: That's what I meant. We should have waited for the bomb squad!

Martin Riggs: Am I gonna have to listen to this every day?

Roger Murtaugh: Every day until I retire.

Martin Riggs: Well, that'll be a week too long for me.

Roger Murtaugh: My feet are killing me...

Martin Riggs: Yeah, your feet are killing me, too.

Roger Murtaugh: Well, how could my feet be killing you?

Martin Riggs: 'Cause I gotta listen to you bitch about them all day!

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, and you're gonna have to listen to me bitch, because you should have cut the red wire!

Martin Riggs: Look, that kid was a killer, alright? That wasn't a Tinker Toy in his hand, that was a machine pistol with twin carbies and all the trimmings, man! He would've drilled you, me, anybody that came along, alright? You had no choice.

Roger Murtaugh: Oh no, it didn't happen to you, Riggs, it happened to me! It happened to me! I killed that kid, I killed that boy. Oh yeah, oh you killed a lot of people, you kill a fuckin' lot of people. You ever kill a baby?

Martin Riggs: You selfish...

Roger Murtaugh: You got ice in your veins. You don't kill a boy like Nick.

Martin Riggs: You selfish bastard! You selfish bastard, you're just thinking about yourself! What about me? We're partners, we are partners. What happens to you, happens to me.

Martin Riggs: After all the shit we've been through, don't you get it? Don't you get it? When you retire, you're not just retiring you, you're retiring us. You're retiring us.

Roger Murtaugh: That's not my problem. That's not my problem!

Martin Riggs: You're the only family I've got! I've got three beautiful kids, I love them, they're yours. Trish does my laundry, I live in your icebox, I live in your life! What am I gonna do? What am I supposed to do?

Trish: Aren't you forgetting something?

Roger Murtaugh: Oh.

[puckers lips]

Trish: [thrusts bulletproof vest upon him] THIS! You wear it, you eat in it, you sleep in it! Okay? 6 more days! And Riggs, keep an eye on him.

Martin Riggs: Okay.

Roger Murtaugh: She loves me.

Roger Murtaugh: I hope that when I do retire your new partner is just like you.

Martin Riggs: That won't happen to me because there are winners and there are losers, and God wouldn't do that to me.

[Murtaugh throws a machine gun towards Riggs]

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs! Cop killers!

[Riggs shoots through the tractor and hits Travis]

Martin Riggs: Ex-cop killers.

Leo Getz: I'm dying Rodge! I'm so cold!

Roger Murtaugh: Leo, you're laying on the ice.

Leo Getz: I am?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah!

[Riggs and Murtaugh look sheepishly at the other cops on the building explosion scene. Murtaugh can only hold up the stray cat. The others applaud sarcastically]

Policeman who says 'Bravo' after explosion: Bravo.

[Riggs and Murtaugh sink back behind their car]

Martin Riggs: Oops!

Roger Murtaugh: Right, oops.

Lorna Cole: This PMS. It's murder.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been married 25 years.

Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit!

Roger Murtaugh: I knew you couldn't stop smoking.

Martin Riggs: I'm only smoking to take my mind off my dog biscuit problem.

Roger Murtaugh: What dog biscuit problem?

Martin Riggs: Well I been chasing more cars lately and uh, y'know, when I try and lick my balls I keep falling off the couch.

Roger Murtaugh: I got 8 days to my retirement, and I will NOT make a stupid mistake!

Martin Riggs: Look, there is no bomb in that building! I will bet vital parts of my anatomy to the fact! Trust me, okay? Trust me!

Roger Murtaugh: That's usually my first mistake!

Martin Riggs: Rodge.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah?

Martin Riggs: Grab the cat!

Roger Murtaugh: I thought you said you were gonna cut the red wire!

Martin Riggs: Well I did, didn't I?

Roger Murtaugh: No! You cut the blue wire!

Martin Riggs: Well I meant the red wire.

Leo Getz: Hey, guys, guys! You think I could get a gun this time?

Roger Murtaugh, Martin Riggs: NO!

Lorna Cole: Cover me!

Roger Murtaugh: Cover you? Who's going to cover me? Cover me! Cover him! Cover everybody! When is someone gonna cover me for a change?

[Something jumps on the car with the bomb in it. They stand to see what it is, and a stray cat meows at them]

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, everyone else is outside. Only me, you and this cat are dumb enough to be in here.

Martin Riggs: Nearly a CAT-astrophe, huh?