Maria Gambrelli Quotes in A Shot in the Dark (1964)

Maria Gambrelli: You can have one of my cigarettes.

Clouseau: Oh, thank you.

Maria Gambrelli: You have it in backwards.

Clouseau: Oh... it tastes very bad that way.

Clouseau: And... they were your fingerprints!

Benjamin Ballon: Well, why not? It's my house. I've often been in that closet.

Clouseau: For what reason?

Benjamin Ballon: Last time was moths.

Clouseau: "Meuths"?

Benjamin Ballon: [very clearly] Moths!

Clouseau: Yes, "meuths."

Benjamin Ballon: Maria was complaining of "murths."

[frowns at himself]

Clouseau: "Meurths"? Is that right, Maria, that - that you were complaining about these "meuths"?

Maria Gambrelli: Yes, I did complain about moths.

Clouseau: Oh, you mean "meuths"!

Maria Gambrelli: Promise me.

Clouseau: What darling?

Maria Gambrelli: Afterwards, you will not smoke.

Clouseau: I give you my word as an officer and a gentleman. also a policeman.

Maria Gambrelli: Tell me, why do so many men smoke afterwards? No wonder tobacco companies get rich.

Maria Gambrelli: [as Clouseau's coat is burning] Your coat, Monsieur!

Clouseau: Yes, it is my coat.

Clouseau: Now, supposing you tell me what happened?

Maria Gambrelli: He was having difficulty with the buttons.

Clouseau: Buttons?

Maria Gambrelli: The buttons on my dress.

Clouseau: Well, you know that is very strange. Because, there are no buttons on this dress.

Maria Gambrelli: Well, that is because he was having difficulty with them. So, he just tore the dress off.

Clouseau: He attacked you.

Maria Gambrelli: Oh, no! I would have helped him; but, he couldn't wait. The buttons are probably all over the room. He was so impetuous. A passionate Spaniard, you know.

Maria Gambrelli: You should get out of these clothes immediately! You'll catch your death of pneumonia, you will.

Clouseau: Yes, I suppose I probably will; but, its all part of life's rich pageant, you know.

Clouseau: It seems a bit stuffy in here.

Maria Gambrelli: Your coat!

Clouseau: Yes, it is nice.

Maria Gambrelli: But, it's on fire!

Clouseau: What? My coat is on fire! My coat is on fire!

Maria Gambrelli: Clouseau! Over here! Quick. Listen. That's Do Do.

Clouseau: Do Do?

Maria Gambrelli: She's dead!

Clouseau: Dead? Do Do?

Maria Gambrelli: What are we going to do?

Clouseau: We must do something. We can't leave here without our clothes.

Maria Gambrelli: But, I'm getting cold. Just look at those goose pimples!

Maria Gambrelli: [the end of a drunken evening] I know this is your apartment; but, that won't help you in the least bit?

Clouseau: Why won't it help me in the least bit? My question.

Maria Gambrelli: Question, answered, Mr. Policeman Inspector.

Clouseau: Jacques Clouseau's the name.

Maria Gambrelli: I've given up sex.

Clouseau: Oh, che brutto momento!

Maria Gambrelli: I've given up sex.

Maria Gambrelli: Your father played the violin. Not well, but passionitely. He made love the same way.

Maria Gambrelli: Charles, I planned to tell you... I had twins.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [to Duval in the car] Wait here.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Jacques and Dreyfus walk up to the Gambrelli house; Jacques knocks on the front door of his house] Do you live here alone, Gambrelli?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, no, I live with my mother.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, I'd like to meet your mother.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Why not? Everybody wants to meet my mother.

[Gambrelli accidentally knocks on his mother's face, unaware that she has just opened the door]

Maria Gambrelli: Ah!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, excuse me, Mom.

[Gambrelli apologizes, and kisses his mother]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, this is Police Commissioner Dreyfus, he wants to meet you.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How do you do, Mrs. Gambrelli? I hope it's not too late.

Maria Gambrelli: No, no,. Please, come in, Commissioner.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I'm sorry I'm a bit wet, heh heh, I'm sor - I'm sorry. I'm - I'm a bit wet, yes.

[the Gambrelli's poodle clings to Dreyfus's right leg]

Maria Gambrelli: Please, have a seat, Commissioner.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, thank you.

[Dreyfus chuckles]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I - I am just going upstairs, uh, to change-a my clothes.

Maria Gambrelli: Do you speak Italian, Commissioner?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No, not really.

Maria Gambrelli: Darling?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes?

[Maria and Jacques have a conversation in Italian]

Maria Gambrelli: [the Gambrellis speak in Italian, with English subtitles on the screen] Speak Italian.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [English subtitles] Yes.

Maria Gambrelli: [English subtitles] How do you know this man?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [English subtitles] He gave me a lift in his car. Why are you so upset?

Maria Gambrelli: [English subtitles] The world is full of strange, crazy people.

Maria Gambrelli: [speaks English] Now, bring the Commissioner down one of your robes,

Maria Gambrelli: [In Italian] Make it quick!

Maria Gambrelli: [English] Oh, Jacques.

[Jacques utters something in unsubtitled Italian]

Maria Gambrelli: [to Dreyfus] He's just like his father. Would you care to join me in the kitchen?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus chuckles as the poodle lets go] I - I would indeed.

[Rossini's 'Largo al factotum della città' aria from 'The Barber of Seville' plays in the background as Jacques enters his bedroom from the bathroom wearing a bathrobe; Maria and Dreyfus are dining downstairs in the kitchen]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Refreshing to hear some good singing for a change.

Maria Gambrelli: Jacques loves opera.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Are you musically inclined, madame?

Maria Gambrelli: No.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: His father?

Maria Gambrelli: He played the French horn.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, that probably accounts for it.

[Hans Zarba takes a time bomb, and approaches the Gambrelli house's courtyard, making an opening in the fence]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Why did you name him Jacques?

Maria Gambrelli: Why not? It's a perfectly good French name.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, but you're Italian.

[Meanwhile, Zarba has just set the time bomb to detonate in 4 minutes]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I knew a man once named Jacques. When he died, ten years ago, I said: "Thank God there can never, never be another one like him." And then I - I met your son.

Maria Gambrelli: [Jacques leaves his bedroom as the 'Largo al factotum' aria from Rossini's 'The Barber of Seville continues to play on the stereo; the timer has elapsed to 20 seconds and counting down; some time has passed as Maria is recounting part of an unseen conversation] So I decided, it would be better off if he never knew.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: You mean his father is - is -

[Jacques comes through the door as the aria is about to conclude]

Maria Gambrelli: Clouseau!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus is shocked to learn that Maria has just told him that Clouseau is Jacques' father, and runs out of the room, screaming] No! It can't be! It can't be!

Maria Gambrelli: [an explosion occurs in the room that Dreyfus just entered] Oh, Commissioner...

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ahhh...

[Dreyfus whimpers, as the dog rubs up against his leg, and then he faints from the shock of the explosion and having learned that Jacques Gambrelli is the son of the late Inspector Clouseau]

Maria Gambrelli: [Dreyfus is in his hospital bed, watching 'A Day At the Races' with the Marx Brothers and Margaret Dumont; Mrs. Dumont says "Oh, dear! Come, gentlemen, let us begin!" Groucho responds with "Oh, you shouldn't have done that, now we're all unsterilized." The Marxes go to the washbasin singing 'Down By The Old Mill Stream'; Maria, Jacques and Sgt. Duval enter Dreyfus's hospital room] How are you?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Terrible.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, no doubt it was a 'beumb'.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A what?

Maria Gambrelli: A bomb.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A -

[Dreyfus suddenly coughs]

Maria Gambrelli: Oh, you should rest, Charles.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How do you know my... first name?

Maria Gambrelli: You told me in the ambulance.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [confused] That's strange, I - I don't remember, but I remember you.

Maria Gambrelli: You said: "My name is Charlie Dreyfus, and I'm going to be a policeman."

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I used to say that... as a child. I must have been delirious.

[Jacques picks up the bed control, mistaking it for the TV remote]

Maria Gambrelli: No, you were very sweet.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I was?

Maria Gambrelli: Yes.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Jacques pushes the remote's buttons, trying to adjust the TV, and the bed suddenly shifts] What's this? What's this? What? Oh, something's happened. Ow! Ow!

Maria Gambrelli: Jacques!

[At this point, the bed's mishaps take a remarkably simaliar coincidental parallel to the examination bed scene in 'A Day At The Races']

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Wrong mechanism!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Stop!

Maria Gambrelli: Oh, Jacques!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Stop it, please! Please! What are you doing. Give me that!

Maria Gambrelli: Give it to me!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Something terrible has happened!

Nurse: [the nurse takes the bed remote and gives Jacques the TV remote] There! There! Now don't play with it again!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [relieved] Thank you, nurse.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, dear.

Maria Gambrelli: [Dreyfus tries to get up, but Maria makes him lie down] No, no, no, you should relax now!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No, I can't - I can't relax, I - I have to tell... him something. What's his name, your son?

Maria Gambrelli, Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Jacques.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Jacques - Listen, Jacques... I wanted to tell you, you are in great danger.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I am?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: François, where's the Chief's report?

Sergeant Francois Duval: Ah, here.

[François hands the Chief's report to Dreyfus]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: There... do you remember the unconscious girl you saw in the van?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [dreamily] Oh, how could I ever forget her?

[Jacques recites a line of poetry in English, then Italian]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: "Beauty to reach for you,

[in Italian]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: spirete dia."

Maria Gambrelli: Jacques loves poetry.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, I know.

[Dreyfus hands the photo to Jacques]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I want you to look at this photograph.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: My God, that is she! But how did you know?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A hunch.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: A what?

Maria Gambrelli: Hunch.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: A hunch? Who is she? What is she doing in the Chief's file?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: She's Princess Yasmin.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Princess... kidnapped. Isn't she beautiful, mother?

Maria Gambrelli: Hmm... not bad for a princess.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Ah.

[Chief Lazar enters Dreyfus's hospital room, Jacques salutes him]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: Commissioner.

[to Jacques]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: At ease, Gambrelli.

[to Maria]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'm glad to see that you are not hurt, Madame.

Maria Gambrelli: Thank you, Chief.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: And I'm particularly happy that you are still with us, Commissioner.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, I'm sure you are. And I'm particularly happy that you've assigned me Officer Gambrelli.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: [Chief Lazar enters Dreyfus's hospital room, Jacques salutes him] Commissioner.

[to Jacques]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: At ease, Gambrelli.

[to Maria]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'm glad to see that you are not hurt, Madame.

Maria Gambrelli: Thank you, Chief.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: And I'm particularly happy that you are still with us, Commissioner.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, I'm sure you are. And I'm particularly happy that you've assigned me Officer Gambrelli.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: Really?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Without him, I might not have discovered that the Princess was being held here, in the south of France.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'll put out a general alarm immediately.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: You will do nothing of the kind till I give the word. In the meantime, Officer Gambrelli's mother... needs a safe place to stay... So, as I'm going to be here for a while, she can have my suite at the hotel.

Maria Gambrelli: Oh no, but I can't.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: But you must, please.

[Dreyfus chuckles]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Whatever they need François.

[to Chief Lazar]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Round-the-clock protection, Chief.

Maria Gambrelli: God bless you!

[Maria kisses Dreyfus with gratitude]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus chuckles as everyone leaves, Jacques comes back to give the remote to Dreyfus] Get out!

[Dreyfus sighs with relief, and uses the bed's remote to change the TV channel, and sparks fly as the bed flips up and tosses Dreyfus out of it]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques awakens in his hospital bed] Ah, mother.

Maria Gambrelli: Jacques, I was so worried.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques sighs, then gasps] The princess! They have taken the princess!

Maria Gambrelli: [Jacques rises from his bed, only to be stopped by Maria] Please, Jacques!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I have to stop them! Oh, ohhh...

[Jacques faints back into his bed]

Maria Gambrelli: You see? You're not supposed to get up.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, but I must tell the Commissioner about Uncle Idris.

Maria Gambrelli: I will tell the Commissioner about Uncle Idris.

[beat]

Maria Gambrelli: Who is Uncle Idris?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Uncle Idris? I - I don't know. I remember hearing someone... that they were going to Darfur to visit Uncle Idris.

Maria Gambrelli: Okay, just keep quiet.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [deliriously] Uncle Idris.

Maria Gambrelli: Si, si, si.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [deliriously] Uncle Idris.

[Maria leaves Jacques's hospital room and enters an elevator; Chief Lazar and Jean Claude arrive in another elevator]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: [Chief Lazar and Jean Claude enter Jacques's room, only to find he's not there] Well?

Jean Claude: They said he was in Room 408.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'll check. Hello? Hello?

[Lazar goes over to the phone, only for Jacques to open the bathroom door, knocking Chief Lazar out of an open window]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: Aaaah!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How is he?

[Dreyfus is talking to Maria while Lazar screams as he falls down to the ground below]

Maria Gambrelli: It was all I could do to keep Jacques from getting out of bed and coming down here to tell you about someone named Uncle Idris.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Idris?

Maria Gambrelli: He said he overheard someone say they were going to Darfur.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Darfur? That's a small military republic, borders Lugash.

Maria Gambrelli: Charles?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, Maria?

Maria Gambrelli: I'm worried about Jacques.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: There, there; if he's anything like his father, he'll be all right, he'll manage.

Maria Gambrelli: Charles?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, Maria?

Maria Gambrelli: I'm worried about Jacques.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: There, there, if he's anything like his father, he'll be all right, he'll manage.

Maria Gambrelli: But that's the trouble: he's too much like his father! That's why I disappeared, came here, and encouraged him to be a musician or a poet. But, in spite of everything, he was determined to be a policeman. Can you protect him, Charles?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Chief Lazar hangs on to a rope while attempting to get back up to Jacques's room] Ha, ha.

Maria Gambrelli: Soon, I must tell him who his father was.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: His father, yes... was an idiot. I mean...

Maria Gambrelli: Yes, but I can't tell him that.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No, of course, you can't.

Maria Gambrelli: Clouseau has always been his hero. Can you imagine, if you wanted to be a great fisherman, and you suddenly discover that your father was Captain Ahab?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, come, sit here. Tell me: you and Clouseau...

[Dreyfus chuckles]

Maria Gambrelli: I was very young.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I know, but I still don't understand; you, such a beautiful woman...

Maria Gambrelli: We were caught in a snowstorm. I knew we would freeze to death unless we kept moving. He said the Alaskan Indians kept from freezing to death by making love; I was young, I wanted to live. I hope you're not offended.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No; it's just too bad you didn't have a - a stationary bicycle, or a - a rowing machine, or something.

Maria Gambrelli: But then, I would not have had Jacques.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Exactly; oh, no, of course, that would have been a pity. Ah, tell me, don't you think it would be best... if you told him about his father now... rather than have him find out for himself later on?

Maria Gambrelli: Yes. I suppose you're right.

[Maria leaves the room]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [looks at a portrait of Jacques Clouseau and Maria Gambrelli] Clouseau, my father?

Maria Gambrelli: Yes.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: But, why didn't you tell me?

Maria Gambrelli: For the same reason I didn't tell him; I thought you would both be better off not knowing. Your father and I weren't in love; we had a brief encounter in a blizzard.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Why did you pretend that my father was an Italian French horn player?

Maria Gambrelli: Well, for one thing, it explains your interest in music. Actually, Clouseau played the violin. Not well, but passionately. He made love the way he played the violin.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: But, why do you tell me now?

Maria Gambrelli: Because, in many way, you are like your father: foolhardy, accident-prone, pig-headed, courageous, accident-prone. I think it's important that you know about the things that he depended upon to keep him alive; also the things he neglected to pay attention to that ultimately killed him.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [quoting from Shakespeare] "If I must die, I will encounter darkness as a bride and hug it in mine arms."

Maria Gambrelli: Shakespeare?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, have you told him?

Maria Gambrelli: Yes.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Gendarme Second Class Gambrelli?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: It looks like you are in charge now.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, yes?

Maria Gambrelli: No!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Time is running out for the Princess, and apart from myself and François, Officer Gambrelli is the only one who can identify the kidnappers.

Maria Gambrelli: But Charles, he has so little experience.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [chuckles] His father was a patrolman,and became the greatest detective in France without any experience. Trust me, if you're a Clouseau, you can succeed without it. I presume you will now change your name.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Why?

Maria Gambrelli: You're a Clouseau now.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, but I'm also a Gambrelli, it's a good name.

[sings to the tune of "Moon River"]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Gam - brel - li!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You can sing it; do you want me to change it?

Maria Gambrelli: It might be nice; your father saved my life.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [sings to the tune of "Moon River"] Clou - seau!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Not bad, okay.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: François, see to it that Gendarme Second Class Jacques Gambrelli is promoted to Detective First Class Jacques Clouseau, Jr. as quickly as you can. Get him new papers and a passport.

[Chief Lazar whimpers as Jacques comes near him]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Don't worry, Maria; when the kidnappers hear that a Clouseau is on their trail, they'll probably surrender without a fight!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Shut up!

Sergeant Francois Duval: His plane to Lugash is on schedule. He will be met at the airport and, uh, taken to the hotel, where he will be contacted by one of our agents.

Andre (anchorman): We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important news flash: A breaking story out of Nice reveals that Clouseau may have had a son.

[Dreyfus spits the soup out of his mouth when he hears the news]

Andre (anchorman): An anonymous phone caller has stated that Gendarme Second Class, Jacques Gambrelli, was, in fact, First Class Detective, Jacques Clouseau of the Nice Police force, who had recently paid a visit...

Maria Gambrelli: [enters Dreyfus's room carrying a newspaper] Charles, have you seen the morning paper?

Andre (anchorman): Yesterday morning, Princess Yasmin of Lugash was rescued from her kidnappers by Detective Inspector First Class Jacques Clouseau, Jr., the son of France's greatest detective. As for Detective First Class Inspector Clouseau, Jr., the latest medical bulletin has him doing well, and his doctor expects him to be back on duty in a matter of a few weeks.

Maria Gambrelli: Sooner.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hello!

[Maria laughs]

Maria Gambrelli: You're looking better.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Thank you.

Maria Gambrelli: Darling, Charles and I have something to tell you.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You're getting married.

Maria Gambrelli: [surprised] How did you know?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I know because I am a great detective.

[Jacques chuckles]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Right, dad? Huh?

[Jacques kisses Dreyfus, while Maria laughs]

Jacqueline Gambrelli: [Dreyfus stumbles over the reception table at the wedding where he has just married Maria Gambrelli] Oh.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ha ha.

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Will you forgive me?

Maria Gambrelli: Jacqueline!

Jacqueline Gambrelli: I'm sorry I'm late, mama.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Jacqueline!

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Jacques! Brother!

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Sister!

[Jacques and Jacqueline kiss]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Mama?

Maria Gambrelli: Charles, your head is bleeding.

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Yes, you have received a 'beump'.

[Dreyfus' eye starts twitching when he hears the word "bump" mispronounced]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: How was the island?

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Wonderful!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: 'Beump'? Maria!

Maria Gambrelli: Oh, Charles, I planned to tell you: I had twins.

[Jacques and Jacqueline spin about, dancing and accidentally kicking Dreyfus in the head]