Gloria Goodfellow Quotes in Keeping Mum (2005)

Gloria Goodfellow: You can't just go 'round killing people just because you don't approve of them!

Grace Hawkins: You know, that's what my doctors used to say. It was the one point we could never agree on.

[the housekeeper's trunk, which has arrived before her, has a nametag reading "Grace"]

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Do you think it's a sign?

Gloria Goodfellow: No. I think it's a trunk.

Grace Hawkins: This is Grace speaking. Would you like to come out from under the bed?

Gloria Goodfellow: Um... Coming.

Gloria Goodfellow: Aren't we forgetting the small matter of dead bodies?

Grace Hawkins: How did you know about the other bodies?

Gloria Goodfellow: What other bodies?

Grace Hawkins: Oh. You didn't know about the other bodies...

Gloria Goodfellow: WHAT other bodies?

Grace Hawkins: Oh, just Mr. Brown's dog. And... and Mr. Brown.

Gloria Goodfellow: You killed them too?

Grace Hawkins: I did it for you, dear.

[Petey has just seen his bullies' bikes give way under them, not knowing that Grace cut the brake cables]

Petey Goodfellow: Billy Martin's dead! Mummy! Mummy! Billy Martin came after me, but Grace was there and all I said was "broccoli" and now he's dead! Billy Martin's dead! Woo Hoo!

[Petey runs inside cheering]

Gloria Goodfellow: [whispering to Grace] Could we have a word? Is Billy Martin really dead?

Grace Hawkins: [whispers back] No, just unconscious if I'm any judge. But please don't tell Petey; he's so excited.

Gloria Goodfellow: [to her neighbour's dog] Fuck off.

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Was that a brassiere over Holly's shoulder this morning?

Gloria Goodfellow: You're half a day behind the rest of us you know. And it's called a bra nowadays.

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: But why did she have it over her shoulder?

Gloria Goodfellow: [sighs] She was doing the laundry.

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: So. They made love in every room in the house did they? Lilian and Brian? And they went round twice. I think we've got some catching up to do.

Gloria Goodfellow: No. I must see to Mrs Parker.

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Oh gosh. Do you need me?

Gloria Goodfellow: No, no. It's just the flower arranging committee.

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Dear God. I swear that committee will be the death of her.

Gloria Goodfellow: It's just not fair. Other daughters get to plan weddings, bake cakes, go shopping with their mothers. What do I do? Dispose of dead bodies.

[Gloria sees Lance's dead body in his car]

Gloria Goodfellow: Oh Jesus Christ.

Grace Hawkins: It's all right. I didn't chop him up or anything grisly like that. Where are you going?

Gloria Goodfellow: I'm not doing it.

Grace Hawkins: But I can't drive.

Gloria Goodfellow: I'm not getting in the car.

Grace Hawkins: I'm a learner. Officially I need someone with me.

Gloria Goodfellow: I would say under the circumstances the normal rules do not apply.

Gloria Goodfellow: This cannot go on mother, I've had enough.

Grace Hawkins: I understand you're upset.

Gloria Goodfellow: Too bloody right I'm upset, I've got two dead bodies. One in the pond and one in the sitting room.

Grace Hawkins: No, you've got three dead bodies in the pond because you're forgetting...

Gloria Goodfellow: Grace, this has gone far enough. And I mean it.

Gloria Goodfellow: Petey? Petey? Walter?

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Ah, Gloria. This is Bob and Ted from the waterboard, we're just discussing the...

Gloria Goodfellow: Walter, where's Petey?

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Oh Lord! Mrs Calloway called about her crisis of faith. She was on the verge of losing it.

Gloria Goodfellow: I know the bloody feeling.

Gloria Goodfellow: I wonder if he's found that dog yet.

Grace Hawkins: Oh, Mr Brown's on holiday.

Gloria Goodfellow: Oh? Where?

Grace Hawkins: I think he said 'down under'.

Gloria Goodfellow: [writing to Grace] So in all, I'd say our life here is complete. It just ambles along in its quiet and merry way. A few hiccups here and there. Like the pond. Which now, they tell me, needs to be drained. It's a bit of a fuss as you can imagine but I'm sure we'll sort something out.

Holly Goodfellow: Oh my God. He is really stiff!

Gloria Goodfellow: Oh Holly, do you have to?

Holly Goodfellow: I've never seen anything like this.

Gloria Goodfellow: Now, let me get this straight. My son is rid of his bullies, my husband has become a comedian and my nymphomaniac daughter has discovered cookery.

[looks up and whispers]

Gloria Goodfellow: What's going on?

Bob: [discussing the problem of the pond] So there's really just the one option.

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Yes, there's, um, just the one option.

Gloria Goodfellow: Which is?

Bob: Drain it.

Gloria Goodfellow: Drain it.

[pauses]

Gloria Goodfellow: Shall I put the kettle on?

Grace Hawkins: You know, men do sometimes lose their way, dear. I mean, Walter is a sweet soul, but he's a bit slow-witted like the rest of them.

Gloria Goodfellow: So you were married too?

Grace Hawkins: Yes I was. A long time ago.

Gloria Goodfellow: Did he lose his way?

Grace Hawkins: With a little help from another woman.

Gloria Goodfellow: Ohh...

Grace Hawkins: Completely lost his head over her.

Gloria Goodfellow: And I thought being an orphan was a bad thing.

Gloria Goodfellow: Oh God, what's that?

Lance: What?

Gloria Goodfellow: That.

Lance: This is my lurve pack...

Gloria Goodfellow: I know what it is Lance.

Lance: I thought you Brits liked this kind of thing.

Gloria Goodfellow: No. We don't.

Lance: You do not think this is hot?

Gloria Goodfellow: No.

Mrs. Parker: Is that Holly I heard?

Gloria Goodfellow: Holly? No.

[Holly steps out of the van, zipping up her top]

Holly Goodfellow: Good morning Mrs Parker.

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: [referring to the pond] They say it'll get worse if it's not dealt with.

Gloria Goodfellow: [under her breath] A lot of things will get worse if they're not dealt with.