Lucien Quotes in Time Bandits (1981)

Neguy: You are not small at all, Commander.

Lucien: Not by any means. Five foot one is not small.

Napoleon: Five foot one and conqueror of Italy, not bad huh?

Napoleon: [to the Bandits] You are the best thing to happen to me since this whole campaign. You know I come here to conquor Italy, because I thought they were all small. You know, I hear they was really tiny guys...

Neguy: Sir, I really think there are more important thing...

Napoleon: SHUT UP! Don't you dare to tell me my business. You are dismissed, you hear? You, Lucien, the rest of you. Great streaks of misery.

Lucien: But, Sir...

Napoleon: NO! I'm going to have some new generals for a bit.

[Lucien is efficiently serving customers at the grocery while Collignon is absent]

Madeleine Wallace: Where's the owner?

Lucien: Shhh! Sleeping in the cauliflower!

Lucien: Ya know, we could do this later if you want?

Neil: Oh god Lucien, she's ruined it for me Lucien. I mean it's all so boring now!

Lucien: Hey, hey let's put in a movie?

Neil: No, no more movies. It's no use, it's not enough anymore, ya know? It's just all so mundane and so predictable Lucien. Oh hey look! It's Jayson. Jayson's going to come in here and he's going to hand me a package, and then he's going hand me his thing, and I'm going to sign the thing and I'm going to hand it right back to him, and then he's going to get in his truck and he's going to drive of. Oh, it's... it's so predictable Lucien, it's not enough anymore, ya know? Where's the... where's the adventure, you know?

[while signing Jayson's package]

Neil: there's no adventure man. Where's the adventure Lucien?

Jay: You signed it Neil Adventure.

[Neil signs it again]

Jay: You crossed out Adventure and wrote adventure again.

Neil: What does it matter Jayson? Huh!

[Neil walks away]

Jay: It matters because I'm actually responsible for any package that doesn't have a valiad signature or receipt...

Lucien: [Goes to sign the package] Jesus Christ...

Jay: I don't make the rules.

Lucien: Lighten up Jayson.

Lucien: So what was the Bet?

Jonathan: If the bugs won, I could shove a burrito in your face.

Lucien: Well you know the last time you lost, I was supposed to get to piss on your foot, but I never did.

Jonathan: What you waiting for? You want to piss on my foot, be my guest.

Lucien: Hey Neil!

Neil: Yeah?

Lucien: Want to see me piss on his foot?

Neil: Uh, sure, yeah... Just not in the store.

Lucien: You watch the Discovery Channel?

Anthony: Not a lot.

Peter: They got some good shit on that channel.

Lucien: Every night there is a show with somebody shining a little blue light and finding tiny specks of blood splattered on carpets and walls and ceiling fans, bathroom fixtures and special-edition plastic Burger King tray cups. The next thing they show is some stupid redneck in handcuffs who looks absolutely stunned that this is happening to him. Sometimes the redneck is actually WATCHING the Discovery Channel when they break in to arrest him. And he still can't figure out how on earth they could've caught him!

[pauses]

Lucien: Psst. Do I look like I wanna be on the Discovery Channel?

Anthony: No.

Lucien: Then get the fuck outta my shop.

Marie: You handle a sword...

Lucien: Forcefully?

Marie: Yes, that's it.

Lucien: You're cute when you blush. All your freckles show. Are you ashamed?

Marie: Of what?

Lucien: Of your freckles. Of turning me on.

Marie: [In bed] Why are you smiling?

Lucien: You're not the best ever, but I like your squirrel coat.

Marie: You could've said "fur".

Lucien: "Fur" and "jewels" are words I never say in front of women.

Marie: You're not a romantic.

Lucien: I'm a man.