Evil Quotes in Time Bandits (1981)

Evil: Oh, Benson... Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

Benson: Oh, you say such nice things, Master.

Evil: Yes I know, I'm sorry!

Evil: God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!

Robert: Slugs.

Evil: Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

Evil: If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, Day One!

[zaps one of his minions accidentally, minion screams]

Evil: Sorry.

Evil: When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.

Robert: Uh, understanding of what, Master?

Evil: Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being!

Evil: What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?

Baxi Brazilia III: But He created you, Evil One.

Evil: What did you say?

Baxi Brazilia III: Well He created you, so He can't be entirely...

Evil: [Blows Baxi to bits] Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. *I* am all powerful!

Evil: I have the map! I have the map! And the day after tomorrow... The world!

Evil: Suddenly, I feel very, very good.

Robert: Oh, I'm sorry, Master.

Evil: No, it'll pass, it'll pass.

Evil: Now Benson, I'm going to have to turn you into a dog for a while.

Cartwright: But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?

[Evil blows him up]

Evil: That's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?

Robert: Because you...

Evil: Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically.

Evil: Stand by for Mind Control!

Evil: Oh, Robert, Benson! I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong! I feel so bad, Benson!

Benson: Good! Good!

Evil: Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling!

Evil: Show me... show me, subscriber trunk dialing. I must know everything.

Evil: You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons? What do you think, Robert? Benson? What would look nice? Half-warthog? Half-donkey? Half-oyster? Half-carrot?

Evil: So this is the best the Supreme Being can do?

Evil: If you're wrong, Benson, my revenge will be slow and unpleasant. I will turn you inside out over a very long period of time.

Benson: Oh, thank you, master, thank you!

Evil: Because when you point a finger at somebody else, you're pointing three at yourself and a thumb at the sky.

Jim: You have a girlfriend, Evil?

Evil: Nah. I use hookers. It's cheaper.

Evil: Come on. There's not a jury in the world that's gonna believe that that woman is sellin' drugs. But they will believe a guy like me does.

Jim: You do, Evil.

Evil: See!

Evil: What do you think of that weed?

Jim: It's a little strong.

Evil: Yeah, I put a little crack in it.