Lance Quotes in Catwoman (2004)

Lance: Hey! Man sandwich! Twelve o'clock!

Undercover Brother: You know what they say, behind every great black man...

Conspiracy Brother: is the police.

Undercover Brother: No.

Smart Brother: A bunch of slow white athletes?

Undercover Brother: No!

White She-Devil: A cute butt.

Undercover Brother: NO!

Lance: Probable cause.

[after killing three bodyguards with his bare hands in a temper tantrum]

Lance: They shouldn't have called me a sissy.

Lance: I *feel* black.

Conspiracy Brother: But you *look* white... don't touch me!

[Stoned, walking into The Man's communications room]

Lance: This isn't Taco Bell! Oh, man...

Lance: [screeching] I... am not... a sissy!

Lance: So let me get this straight; whenever a black guy does well, starts wearing Dockers, buys a few Celine Dion records, and sleeps with a White chick, you automatically say he's sold out?

The Chief: That's enough, Lance!

Lance: Always trying to shut the white man down.

Conspiracy Brother: THAT'S RIGHT! That's Right!... Oh, that ain't right.

Lance: It looks like the Source Awards in here...

[Conspiracy Brother punches him]

Conspiracy Brother: It does now!

Lance: I have stood on the sidelines of race relations long enough! I want to march down that field of oppression and kick that ball of bigotry right over the goalpost of intolerance!

The Chief: Son, you talk a lot of shit.

Lance: Yes, I do.

The Chief: But you down.

Lance: Chief, and various brother agents. I owe all of you a huge apology. I just watched a show, ummm, Roots, maybe you've heard of it? It taught me such a profound lesson about bigotry. I have stood on the sidelines of race relations long enough! I want to march down that field of oppression and kick that ball of bigotry right over the goalpost of intolerance!

Lance: We gotta get the hell out of here! We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!

Undercover Brother: [slaps Lance] Dig it...

[slaps him again]

Undercover Brother: ... and dig it hard!

Lance: [softly] Daddy...

Lance: What if I can end this? What if I can stop all of this pain and suffering? Isn't that work the risk?

Rachel: Do you really think you can make a difference?

Deakin: Well, I see you managed to not get yourself killed on another tour.

Lance: I missed you too, sir.

Lance: We're the same. You don't have to do this.

Peacemaker: That's why I gotta do it.

[last lines]

Lance: This will never be over. Not as long as there's others like me. Fugitives, in our own land. They will come for me, try to kill me. But first - they'll have to catch me.

[first lines]

Lance: This is 47th Quarter Master Battalion. Our depot was half way between nothin' and nowhere. And they all but forgot about us. Nothin' came in, and nothin' went out. We had nothin' better to do all day, so...

Summer: So there's a whole town with people like you?

Jack: [pause] There was.

Summer: And none of you could go out during the day?

Jack: Kinda comes with the territory of being a nightwalker.

Lance: Nightwalker?

Jack: Aha.

Viper: Sounds so much better than "vampire". "Vampire" makes us sound like a bunch of blood-thirsty ghouls.

[Lance was just about to say something]

Viper: Don't you even say it! I'm not in the mood.

Lance: I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?

Thug Prisoner: Hey! Hey ladies.

Lance: Hey how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a problem.

Thug Prisoner: How about you just, uh... chill out man. Be cool.

Lance: Alright we good?

Thug Prisoner: Yea, we're good.

Ian: [handing Felicia a new t-shirt] Another one for the collection.

Felicia: Oh, cool. Thanks.

[she stares at nothing leaning on the GTO]

Ian: What?

[she points down on the car roof. Lance is on the back seat comforting a sobbing Brandy]

Lance: It's okay, Brandy. it's okay, baby, don't cry.

Ian: Lance, what are you doing?

Lance: Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself, because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.

[pause]

Lance: And my dick.

[Ezechiel comes out from the barn where the GTO is on repair]

Ezekiel: Uh-oh. See that creamy stuff? You blew your head gasket. That's not good.

Ian: Shit.

Ezekiel: Dont' cry. We can fix it.

Ian: Really?

Ezekiel: Yeah, really. We're good at it.

Ian: Yeah?

Ezekiel: Yeah, I didn't mean to undersell it, but it's an impressive thing. Yeah, we'll fix it.

Ian: Wow, that'd be cool.

Ezekiel: Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it? I might be the coolest guy you ever met.

Ian: Wow.

Ezekiel: Wow.

Ian: Thank you.

Ezekiel: Yeah, you're welcome. That's what you say when people do nice things for you. You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door if you guys want to hang there while we work on it. Take it easy while we do all this - for you.

[he turns to the barn]

Ian: Does he have an attitude?

Lance: No, he's fucking with you.

Brandy: You ever had a peppermint fatty?

Lance: No. Let's have that. See how that shoe fits.

[Brandy pops peppermint in her mouth, begins sucking his penis]

Lance: That is curiously strong. I feel like my dick's been bar mitzvahed.

Lance: I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that looks like a Trapper Keeper.

Lance: Hey, Ian, Felicia. This is my boy Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: What up, English?

Ian: There's no service out here. I can't even tell her I'll be late.

Lance: Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting. You don't want to come off as desperate.

Ian: I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?

Lance: We had shit to do?

Lance: Just relax, man. I got a good feeling about this, you know. We're gonna party with the Amish!

Felicia: Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.

[They see Fall Out Boy downloading amps and instruments]

Peter Wentz: What's up, man?

Ian: Hey.

Felicia: [astonished] No effing way!

Lance: Dude, what the fuck?

Ian: I don't want her along.

Lance: Oh, really? You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip? Yeah, no shit. She's always cock-blocking you.

Ian: No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...

Lance: Okay, twat blocking. Professor.

Ian: Is there a cock and ball on the front of me again?

Lance: Like a little tree trunk.

Ian: [pointing to the redneck] You, Cornfed! You can punch my friend here, but just once.

Lance: Wait what? Come on man!

Ian: Dude, you slept with his girlfriend!

Lance: But...

Ian: AND he drove all this way.

Lance: ...All right.

Felicia: Oh dude, don't even bother. Your game is not going to work on that girl.

Lance: What do you know about girls? I've never even seen you with a girl.

Lance: It's like knives!

Lance: [going over the song list given to Ash by Buster Moon] Man, these are like the cheesiest songs of all time!

Ash: I know right? I mean, I was thinking of writing my own song instead.

Lance: Wait, what? Your own song?

Ash: Well... Yeah.

Lance: Look, if you wanna win that money... Just do what the koala says.

Ash: Why, you think I can't write my own song?

Lance: Hey, I'm just saying. Not everyone can write songs, okay? I may make it look easy, babes, but no it's not!

[Uncle Rico is trying to sell tupperwear to a couple and is demonstrating its strength]

Uncle Rico: Lance, you look like a strong, young pup. Why don't you see if you can give that a tear.

Uncle Rico: [Lance grabs the bowl and unsuccessfully tries to flex it and break it] Don't hurt yourself now.

Lance: [Dejectedly] I can't do it.

Lance: [Even more ashamed, looking down at the table] Can't...

Crockett: [in motorboat, Candace has admitted she likes Crockett] What about Lance Cashman? Yeah, Lance!

Candace: [passing Lance on the dock] Lance Cashman? Lance Cashman is a TOTAL JERK-OFF!

Crockett: Allright! She likes me! She likes me!

[laughs]

Lance: [to himself] Jerk off? I don't jerk off...

Darcy: Baby I got so excited thinking about next year and Florida state and the future, I think I need to be your wide receiver

Lance: Here baby

Darcy: Well not "here" here, but somewhere here.

Lance: The chair broke!

Barry: Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go out of town. I'm gonna go out of town for two days.

Lance: Where are you going, Barry?

Barry: I have to go to Hawaii, but you can't tell my sisters.

Lance: [overlapping] You're going to Hawaii?

Barry: Yeah, don't tell my sisters though.

Lance: [overlapping] That's so wonderful, you're going to Hawaii!

Barry: [overlapping] Just make sure you don't tell my sisters.

Lance: You're not pathetic! People! Pounds do not lose themselves! You have to work! Work! Work! Everybody up! Get up! You, too, at home. Everybody up and say...

[w/audience]

Lance: Yes, I can!

[alone]

Lance: Say it again.

[w/audience]

Lance: Yes, I can!

Sherman Klump: [determined] Yes, I can!

[stomps on the floor]

Sherman Klump: Yes, I can! Yes...!

Mr. Wilson: Quiet down, damn it!

Sherman Klump: Sorry 'bout that down there, Mr. Wilson!

Mr. Wilson: Klump, shut up!

Sherman Klump: [sets to work] I can!

Hope: Why do you try to ruin everything that's good in my life? Really, Lance what the hell did I ever do to you?

Lance: All of America talking about your fucking bronze. Third place. I won gold and silver and everyone got up for Hope's miracle. Well, because of you, I'm never gonna get that moment back and I'll damn make sure you won't either.

Hope: I had no control of what people talk about. Take that up with the God of Gymnastics.

Lance: I *am* the fucking God of Gymnastics! You're talking to fucking Zeus! I made my own destiny. And not on milking some pity vote for fame and glory over one lucky accident but by consistency of excellence. You think you're gonna show me up again? Hell fucking no. And pretty soon that beat up nostalgia train you've been riding since 2004 is gonna come to a pathetic, useless halt. Can't fucking wait.

Lance: Hey, water boy, I can't drink that bottle of piss you gave me. Here's five bucks. Why don't you get me a Fiji, or something pH balanced? And if you're lucky, I'll let you taste my nuts. Hope's tasted my nuts before, right?

Hope: Do not get that water, Twitchy.

Lance: Are you winking at me?

Ben: No.

Lance: What, are we flirting right now? What's happening?

Hope: Hey! Don't make fun of people with deformity problems.

Ben: I'm actually not deformed. But it's not a problem. I'll go get the water, pH balanced, for men.

Lance: Thank's Maggie. I think I've seen enough.

Maggie: I think my camel toe's a little off.

Lance: Excuse me?

Hope: She's a bit of a perv.

Lance: Here's a warning - you don't wanna fuck with me.

Hope: I fuck with whoever I want whenever I want. I'll fuck with them so hard, I'll rip their taints in half. Then, I'll wear one part of the taint in a locket, around my neck; give the other half of the taint locket to your mom... to shove up her ass! Pretty soon after, at the whorehouse she whores around at, someone'll say to her, "Hey, Mrs. Tucker, what's that shiny little object coming out of your crack?" She'll be like, "Oh, this ass jewelry? Just spit shined it up. Hope Ann Gregory gave me that, as a reminder that my son's a fucking loser!"

Lance: All I can find are these scrunchies.

Miles: Yeah and socks.

Russell: Cha-ching! I found bras!

Miles: Yeah!

Firefighter: What's your name?

Lance: Uh, Joe... John... uh, Joe-John.

Firefighter: Your name's Joe-John?

Lance: John-ston, Johnston. Joe.

Firefighter: You wanna tell me what happened here?

Lance: Uh, there was a fire, I dunno, I came by and it's... checkin out the fire.

Firefighter: Well that lady uh, Mona? She said that you two were in the building together when the fire started.

Lance: Yeah, she's a liar, cuz I dunno her so whatever, whatever she says is a lie, so...

Firefighter: K, so you're saying you weren't in the building with that woman?

Lance: No, not I! Aright, she started it, aright? Because she was like "I hate my job, I'm gonna burn this mother down!" And I said "You better not... you better not!"

Firefighter: She said it was an electrical fire.

Lance: It was. It was a total electrical fire, it was like uh, the switches had sparks comin out, and the sockets, and uh it was like the 4th of July, man!

Firefighter: Why aren't you wearing your pants, Joe?

Lance: I tripped, and uh then I had to take 'em off to run faster out of the flames...

[coughing]

Lance: I think I inhaled some smoke, will you excuse me one second, I'll be right back.

[runs away in the background]

Firefighter: [into walkie talkie] We got a sprinter. Five foot five, no pants, unkempt... portly.

Lance: Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?

Shaun: Lance, I want you to stay in your room.

Lance: Why?

Shaun: Because you're an embarrassment.

Lance: OK!

Shaun: Dude... dude... dude!

[Lance stops vaccuming]

Shaun: Where are Bob's pain pills?

Lance: Here!

Shaun: No, this is Excedrin!

Lance: It's a decoy... I put all my stash in bottles... yellow are painkillers, they go in the Excedrin!

Shaun: Listen to me, I need Bob's pain pills!

Lance: Bob doesn't have any pain pills.

Shaun: Yes he does!

Lance: Not anymore, I sold them.

Lance: Dude, I never went to college and check me out. I'm kick ass!

Lance: You banged mom?

Shaun: What are you doing lying there?

Lance: Oh, my parole officer wants to give me a drug test and I need your urine... can I score some of your piss?

Shaun: Yeah.

Lance: Awesome, man.

Lance: [Stripped down to his underwear] Shaun. Shaun...

Lance: Shaun. It's so psychedelic. Buddy, I light one match, and the building blows up.

[Giggles deviously, while Shaun looks slightly horrified]

Lance: Well, I was just tryin' to help you, bro.

Shaun: [Incredulous] By lighting the building on fire?

Lance: Well, I was high...

Shaun: You're *always* high! Y-you're a drugged out loser. You think you're gonna' create a T-shirt company? You can't even dress yourSELF!

Lance: [Deflated] Harsh.

[Lance has discovered that Shaun can't get into Stanford]

Lance: You should sue, man. This isn't right. Sue the school.

Shaun: Shut up, Lance.

Lance: Or you know what? Just go to Stanford anyway. Go there and take the classes. Don't take "no" for an answer. Just say, "I'm goin' here. Kiss my ass."

Shaun: That's actually a good idea!

Lance: What is?

Shaun: I should! I should go up to Stanford! If I talk with the dean of admissions face to face, and tell him my situation, - he's gotta let me in.

Lance: I can get you there in three hours.

Lance: Hey. Hot sluts with tits.

Rick: Lance, you don't need to do that anymore, remember?

Lance: Oh yeah. Sorry. Old habits die hard. Oh what the hell - I LOVE MEN. Who wants me?

Rick: Well you don't need to do that either...

Lance: There are gonna be some hotties, some slammin' bods with pants so tight it looks like they're painted on. Man, I love chicks. And chicks love me, so it's all good.

Construction Worker: You're a jets fine, right?

Lance: Oh, my God, hello! I live for "West Side Story".

Uncle Ben: [on the phone] Why wouldn't she mad, huh? Well, there's only one thing you can do: flowers. And you can't go cheap, either. Nope. A dozen, long-stemmed.

Amy Pearl: He knows about females.

Lance: He knows more about females than I know about females.

Uncle Ben: [on the phone] In my opinion roses always work, always.

Holly Hamilton: He doesn't actually believe that, does he?

Holly Hamilton: We need to know what the perfect man would do as a follow up to the orchid.

Uncle Ben: Well, can't we talk about it tomorrow?

Lance: Wait, what could be more important than the perfect man? Oh, duh. Perfect shoes.

Holly Hamilton: Where's Ben? I need to talk to him. It's an emergency.

Lance: Too late, little lady. He's already gone.

Holly Hamilton: Where?

Lance: The almighty wedding.

Holly Hamilton: Wedding? What wedding?

Lance: Well, Amber and ...

Holly Hamilton: Amber? Amber!

Lance: I know he didn't really want to do it, but she's hard to say no to.

Holly Hamilton: Where is it?

Lance: The Liberty Grand Hotel.

Holly Hamilton: Thanks.

Lance: So not a party without me. Whatever!

Walt Berkman: It's Welles' masterpiece, really. Many people think it's Citizen Kane, but Magnificent Ambersons, if it hadn't been ruined by the studio, would've been his crowning achievement. As it is, it's still brilliant. It's the old story, genius not being recognized by the industry.

Lance: It sounds great. Who's in it?

Walt Berkman: Orson Welles? I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. I've seen stills.

Gib: [slams Lance against a wall after a conversation with the Sure Thing] You told her I was a virgin?

Lance: So I exaggerated a little. Girls like virgins. They find them a challenge.

Gib: She thought I was gay!

Lance: It's a bigger challenge.

Lance: Gib, you want a relationship? That's fine. Just remember that every relationship starts with a one night stand. You came 3,000 miles for a reason didn't you? Would you look at that reason. Go for it Gib, you've earned it.

Gib: I'm gonna miss you, Lance.

Lance: It's your own fault, you know. You should be coming out to California with me.

Gib: Yeah, right. Get a totally bitchin' education out there, dude. California. You could be coming to New England with me, you know.

Lance: Are you crazy? The Ivy leagues stink. All they got there are those ugly intellectual girls with Band-Aids on their knees from playing the cello. No thank you.

Gloria Goodfellow: Oh God, what's that?

Lance: What?

Gloria Goodfellow: That.

Lance: This is my lurve pack...

Gloria Goodfellow: I know what it is Lance.

Lance: I thought you Brits liked this kind of thing.

Gloria Goodfellow: No. We don't.

Lance: You do not think this is hot?

Gloria Goodfellow: No.

Lance: So when you say something negative and insult the other person... You're really just showing that other person what an unsure-of-yourself-type person that you really feel like you are.

[first lines]

Alvin: [about cassette tape] Hey! What are you doing?

Lance: I was falling asleep. I thought it would be a good idea to change the station situation.

Alvin: It wasn't. I was listening to that.

Lance: I know, but it's boring for the rest of us. I was falling asleep doing the work.

Alvin: So what?

Lance: So, I wanna play this tape. I wanna play this play to get motivated and pumped up, ya know?

Alvin: I know, I know you want to play that tape. Look, you know what, Lance, I'm not here to start a fight. That's not what I want to do. But I need to listen to my language tapes in order to become proficient and informed to the best of my abilities.

Lance: What about the equal time agreement?

Alvin: That doesn't apply to studies in education. The equal time boom box agreement doesn't apply in this case. That's for recreation.

Lance: Oh, come on!

Alvin: Hey, don't push my buttons, alright? You are not the boss here. I'm the boss. I hired you. And we have a lot of work to do. We could sit here arguing about language and music and blah, blah. But we've got a lot of work to do. A lot of lines to paint, and it's a very long road. I suggest you start the machine and keep it going.

Lance: Alvin.

Alvin: Yeah?

Lance: You have your tool belt on backwards.

[restarts the loud motor]

Alvin: Let's just enjoy the silence.

Lance: Hey, Alvin. If you were in a regional beauty pageant, and you were a girl, what would your special talent be?

Alvin: Triple Jump.

[Lance is wanking. Alvin turns to his side]

Lance: Alvin! Alvin!

[No response. Lance continues wanking]

Alvin: What?

Lance: Never mind.

[Turns to his side]

Debbie Dunham: You love me?

Lance: Hey, come on, does Raggedy Ann have cotton tits or what?

Lance: Aw, come on, man, you got nothing better to do than hassle long-hairs?

Officer Bob Falfa: That's my life, friend. I love my work.

Lance: Why are you dicking with me, you little dick. You wanna play, dick face?"

Kelly: Wait, you just used "dick" as a noun, adjective, and a verb.

Lance: This may sound kinda stupid, but on the bus here, I was writing a song for you.

Wanda: You were?

Lance: You wanna hear it?

Wanda: Yeah...

Lance: [singing tweedy high] I know a pretty girl named Wanda; She's someone I'm kinda... fond-a

[short break, end singing]

Lance: That's all I got so far.

Lance: [as Potter Hope walks out of the bar to the shootout] Hey listen, the man that's after you just killed my brother. Here's a tip: He draws from the left, so lean to the right.

Potter: He draws from the left so lean to the right.

Greg: Son, I'll let you in on something. Along towards sunset there's a wind from the east. So you better aim to the west.

Potter: He draws from the left so lean to the right. There's a wind from the east so better aim to the west.

Pete: I know this Joe like a book. He crouches when he shoots so stand on your toes.

Potter: [Outside in the street] He draws from the left so lean to the right. There's a wind from the east so better aim to the west. He crouches when he shoots so stand on your toes. Thanks... Growl.

[Goes out into the street]

Potter: He draws from the left so stand on your toes... There's a wind from the east, better lean to the right... He crouches when he shoots, better aim to the west... He draws from his toes, so lean toward the wind. Ah ha! I got it!

Reggie: Marco... good news! The cops found the car and your girlfriend... the BITCH is in JAIL!

Javier: Are you going to visit her in Jail, Marco?

Marco: Fuck off!

JJ: Maybe you can get laid again

Lance: Make sure you get a woman's jail.

Bobby: Why? He could get laid in a men's jail too right?

Reggie: Where's Sean? I'm going to kill that Irish fuck

Mohammed: How did they find the car?

Reggie: Oh this is a good one... She a degenerate gambler drove the car to Vegas... guess what... THE BITCH WON! Ever come to my meetings on time asshole1

Sean: I got a note from my doctor

Reggie: Removed MOTH from right ear! You had a bug living in your head?

Sean: It crawled in there... what's I supposed to do?

Reggie: Go sit next to Marco... He's my NEW genius. Okay, we have to pick up the pace.You guys should be doing a lot better... You're letting too many customers walk. I want to hear some of their excuses. Try and STUMP me... I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING. COME ON!

Javier: "I'm just looking"

Reggie: I'm just selling. Can't really look at a car unless you drive it. NEXT.

Ali: "I think I can get a better deal somewhere else"

Reggie: Sir, we all pay the same for cars, nobody can give you a better deal for the cars. COME inside and I'LL SHOW YOU.

Bobby: "This is the first place I've been to"

Reggie: Then You're lucky you came to the best place first!

JJ: "I have to see what kind of Interest rate my credit union can give me"

Reggie: We have a book that lists all the credit unions. I can tell you what your rate and payments will be. COME ON GIVE ME A TOUGH ONE!

Sean: "I have to check with my wife"

Reggie: What's the phone number, we'll call her right now.

Bobby: "I have to look a couple other cars first"

Reggie: Why? Consumer Reports, Car and Driver, Triple AAA... they've looked all the cars for you and they say THIS ONE'S THE BEST!

Lance: Blind kids, a midget, dykes on bikes... we could start a side-show!

Lance: Hey, whattya think about Trudi? She ain't got a boyfriend. You wanna hang out, get high?

Vincent: Which one's Trudi? The one with all the shit in her face?

Lance: No, that's Jody. That's my wife.

Lance: You're going to give her an injection of adrenaline directly to her heart. But she's got, uh, breastplate...

[taps Mia's chest]

Lance: So you gotta pierce through that. So what you have to do is, you have to bring the needle down in a stabbing motion.

[demonstrates]

Vincent: I-I gotta stab her three times?

Lance: No, you don't gotta fucking stab her three times! You gotta stab her once, but it's gotta be hard enough to break through her breastplate into her heart, and then once you do that, you press down on the plunger.

Vincent: What happens after that?

Lance: I'm kinda curious about that myself...

Lance: [answering the phone] Hello.

Vincent: Lance! It's Vincent. I'm in big fuckin' trouble, man. I'm coming to your house.

Lance: Whoa. Whoa. Hold your horses, man. What's the problem?

Vincent: I've got this chick, she fuckin' O.D.in' on me!

Lance: Well, don't bring her here! I'm not even fuckin' joking with you, man! Do not be bringing some fucked-up pooh-bah to my house!

Vincent: No choice.

Lance: She's O.D.in'?

Vincent: She's fuckin' dyin' on me, man!

Lance: Okay, then you bite the fuckin' bullet, take her to a hospital and call a lawyer.

Vincent: Negative.

Lance: This is not my fuckin' problem, man! You fucked her up, you fuckin' deal with this!

Lance: If you're all right, then say something.

Mia: Something.

Jody: Lance! The goddamn phone's ringing!

Lance: [getting up to answer the phone] I can hear it.

Jody: I thought you told those fucking assholes never to call here this late!

Lance: Yeah, I told them. And that is exactly what I'm going to tell this fucking asshole, right now.

Lance: Are you calling me on the cellular phone? I don't know you. Who is this? Don't come here, I'm hanging up the phone! Prank caller, prank caller!

Lance: [handing Vincent the needle] Here, I'll tell you what to do.

Vincent: No no no no man, man I ain't giving her... You... you, you're gonna give her the shot...

Lance: No, you're gonna give her the shot...

Vincent: I ain't givin' her the shot...

Lance: Well, I ain't givin' her the shot!

Vincent: I never done this before!

Lance: Yeah, I ain't ever done it before either, alright? I ain't starting now! Look, you brought her here, and that means that you're giving her the shot. The day that I bring an OD-ing bitch over to your house, then I give her the shot. Give her the shot.

Vincent: [taking the needle] Give it to me.

Jody: [handing him the marker] Here.

Vincent: [Taking the marker] Gimme that.

Lance: Still got your Malibu?

Vincent: Aw, man. You know what some fucker did the other day?

Lance: What?

Vincent: Fucking keyed it.

Lance: Oh, man, that's fucked up.

Vincent: Tell me about it. I had it in storage for three years, it was out for five days and some dickless piece of shit fucked with it.

Lance: They should be fucking killed. No trial, no jury, straight to execution.

Vincent: Boy, I wish I could've caught him doing it. I'd have given anything to catch that asshole doing it. It'd been worth him doing it just so I could've caught him doing it.

Lance: What a fucker!

Vincent: What's more chickenshit than fucking with a man's automobile? I mean, don't fuck with another man's vehicle.

Lance: You don't do it.

Vincent: It's just against the rules.

Vincent: [Lance is looking for a medical book] Hurry up, Lance! We're losing her!

Lance: I'm lookin' as fast as I can!

Jody: [to Vincent] What's he looking for?

Vincent: I dunno. Some book.

Jody: [to Lance] What're you looking for?

Lance: A little black medical book!

Jody: What're you looking for?

Lance: A little black fuckin' medical book! It's like a textbook they give to nurses.

Jody: I never saw no medical book.

Lance: Trust me, I have one.

Jody: Well, if it's so important, why don't you keep it with the shot?

Lance: I DON'T KNOW! STOP BOTHERING ME!

Jody: Listen, while you're looking for it, that girl's gonna die on our carpet! You're never gonna find anything in this mess!

Lance: I'm gonna fuckin' kill you IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!

Vincent: [from the other room] STOP ARGUING AND GET IN HERE!

Trudi: You know how they use that gun to pierce your ears? They don't use that when they pierce your nipples, do they?

Jody: Forget that gun. That gun goes against the entire idea behind piercing. All of my piercings, sixteen places on my body, all of them done with a needle. Five in each ear, one through the nipple on my left breast, one through my right nostril, one through my left eyebrow, one in my lip, one in my clit... and I wear a stud in my tongue.

Vincent: Excuse me, but I was just wondering... why do you wear a stud in your tongue?

Jody: It's a sex thing. It helps fellatio.

Lance: Don Vincenzo. Step into my office?

Lance: You are not bringing this fucked-up bitch into my house!

Vincent: This fucked-up bitch is Marsellus Wallace's wife! Do you know who Marsellus Wallace is? Do you? If she croaks on me, I'm a fuckin' greasespot!

Jody: [seeing Mia on the floor] Who's she?

Lance: Look, go to the fridge and get the thing with the O.D. adrenalin shot.

Jody: What's wrong with her?

Vincent: She's O.D.ing!

Jody: Get her the hell outta her!

Lance, Vincent: GET THE SHOT!

Jody: Fuck you! Fuck you, too!

Vincent: What a fuckin' bitch!

Lance: You just keep talking to her, all right? She's getting the shot, I'm gonna get my little black medical book.

Vincent: What the fuck do you need a medical book for?

Lance: I've never had to give an adrenalin shot.

Vincent: You never give an adrenalin shot?

Lance: I've never had to, all right! I don't go joy-poppin' with bubble-gummers! My friends can handle their highs!

Vincent: GET THE SHOT!

Vincent: Thank you. Mind if I shoot it up here?

Lance: Hey, mi casa su casa.

Vincent: Remember, I just got back from Amsterdam.

Lance: Am I a nigger? Are we in Inglewood? No... You're in my home. White people who know the difference between good shit and bad shit, this is the house they come to. Now, my shit, I'll take the Pepsi challenge with that Amsterdam shit, any day of the fuckin' week.

Vincent: That's a bold statement.

Lance: This ain't Amsterdam, Vince. This is a sellers market. Coke is fucking dead as... dead. Heroin, it's coming back in a big fucking way.

Vincent: Get her the shot!

Lance: I will if you let me.

Vincent: I ain't fuckin' stopping you!

Lance: Well, then quit talking to me, talk to her.

Vincent: Get the shot!

Kilgore: Smell that? You smell that?

Lance: What?

Kilgore: Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that.

[kneels]

Kilgore: I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like

[sniffing, pondering]

Kilgore: victory. Someday this war's gonna end...

[suddenly walks off]

[the boat has arrived at the Do Lung bridge, which is a combat zone]

Chef: Lance! Hey, Lance! What do you think?

Lance: It's beautiful!

Chef: What's the matter with you? You're acting kinda weird!

Lance: Hey, you know that last tab of acid I was saving? I dropped it.

Chef: You dropped acid?... Far out!

Lance: Disneyland? Fuck, man, this is better than Disneyland!

[the patrol boat's crew are lighting up a joint]

Lance: Buddha Time!

Soldier in Trench: [Captain Willard steps on a sleeping soldier in the dark] Goddamn it. You stepped in my face.

Lance: We thought you were dead.

Soldier in Trench: Well, you thought wrong, damn it.

Tracey Berkowitz: [trying to leave in a hurry] I just don't like owing anybody anything, okay?

Lance: Alright, look. You don't owe anybody anything but there's going to be a blizzard out there, alright? The weather channel says that exposed skin can be frostbitten in three minutes. And that snow has this effect on people. It's hypnotic. It's the white. Too much whiteness, okay? People fall asleep in the snow. Nobody finds them until the spring and they're fucking dead. Don't you watch the weather channel? People are dying out there.

Tracey Berkowitz: [beginning to cry] I gotta find my brother.

Lance: Look at that. Look at this crow. Fucking hell, look at the crow.

Tracey Berkowitz: It kind of looks sad.

Lance: How does this crow look sad?

Tracey Berkowitz: I don't know, it's just like, you know, it's not peeping or anything.

Lance: Oh boohoo. Stupid crow doesn't have the fucking brains to fly south. I'm going to get him. Let's bring him in.

Tracey Berkowitz: [suddenly frustrated] Fuck, no! Don't touch it! Now it's not going to be able to go back to its natural habitat!

Lance: Oh, sure it will.

Tracey Berkowitz: No, it won't! Everybody knows that! You put a fucking human smell on it, it's going to be a freak and the other crows are going to kill it!

Lance: He's fine! Aren't you, big fella? See, he was just lonely out there. I like crow. Chicken of the tree.

Tracey Berkowitz: Don't say that. Crows are like people.

Lance: They're not like people. They have a very different psyche, as a matter of fact. They have a crow consciousness.

[Andrews wakes up with a shout]

Mason: [shouting] Hey, Andrews, you okay?

Eric: What happened?

Lance: Maybe he got his dick caught in a zipper.

Lance: Pain, they say, builds character... and you, my dear, are about to have more character than you know what to do with.

Doris: [as Auntie Nelda pours some disgusting looking stew into Doris' bowl] Uh, aren't you having some?

Auntie Nelda: No dear, I'm on a water diet.

Lance: Well, I hope you're taking a vitamin supplement.

Auntie Nelda: I try to take care of myself. My son Hymie, he never took care of himself. He didn't weigh ninety pounds soaked in paving tar.

Lance: [reading from Otto's riddle] "It was he who had an eye,but could not see.It was he who served Bouillabaisse,when he was a she".

Doris: Bouillabaisse,it originated on the coast of France.

Lance: I know that.As you know,I'm a gourmet cook.

Doris: Yeah,it shows.

Lance: There is not an ounce of fat on my body! I'm on the metric system!