Joel Quotes in Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005)

Collins: Why don't we get you to the hotel while I give the agents a debriefing?

Joel: Oh, that's too bad. It's been months since I've had a good debriefing. Although, I'm really more of a boxers man. Ha, ha!

[nobody laughs]

Joel: Okay, wrong audience.

Joel: [both Hart and Fuller are pointing a gun at Foreman] You see, this is what I like. Learning to work together. A little "Ebony & Ivory" action.

Jeff Foreman: Guys, I can't do it.

Sam Fuller: Stop being a wuss, Foreman. Be a man.

Gracie Hart: Yeah, like Fuller.

Shirley, Assisted Living Receptionist: [Gracie is disguised as the old mother of Joel to snoop around the nursing home] Are you interested in touring our facilities?

Joel: Oh, yes, we are very interested. I can't wait to get rid of her.

Gracie Hart: Oh, don't you listen to him. He's a momma's boy. Come here, cutie. Come here and let me fix your tie.

[grabs his tie]

Joel: Oh!

Gracie Hart: Such a momma's boy!

Joel: Ma, not now!

Gracie Hart: Momma's boy face, that's a momma's boy face!

[smacks him repeatedly on the cheek]

Joel: [rising] Do you have a euthanasia program?

Shirley, Assisted Living Receptionist: We just need to fill out some forms. If you'll give me one minute.

Joel: People care about people who care about themselves.

Joel: How do you feel about a push-up bra?

Gracie Hart: How would you feel about a genital-shocking taser gun?

Joel: I'm open to it.

Gracie Hart: ...Okay.

Janet: Tell us where they went or we'll arrest you for obstructing justice and throw you in prison.

Joel: [aroused] Which prison?

Sam Fuller: I've got to take her to the bathroom.

Gracie Hart: I need a tampon!

Sam Fuller: You heard her, we've got an agent down. We NEED TAMPONS!

Jenkins: I'm not getting them.

Hills: I don't even get them for my wife.

Joel: I guess this is a job for a real man. Any particular brand?

Joel: [Explaining the rules to being the face of the FBI] Rule #1, no hitting.

Gracie Hart: What?

Joel: The face of the FBI uses her words, not her fists,

Gracie Hart: [Gracie goes to grab a chair]

Joel: or chair.

Joel: Rule #2, chew with your mouth closed.

Gracie Hart: You don't know how I eat.

Joel: [Points out the ketchup stain on Gracie's shirt]

Joel: [Sarcastically]

Joel: How would that get there if it didn't fall from an open oraface?

Gracie Hart: Well maybe I walked under a ketchup tree.

Gracie Hart: [laughs and snorts]

Joel: Rule #3, no snorting.

Sam Fuller: We need a big finish

Joel: I can take my top off

Gracie Hart: We need a GOOD big finish

Joel: Ooh... I hope she's not a fatty.

FBI Asst. Director Harry McDonald: Hart, Joel Mayers. Joel Mayers, Gracie Hart.

Gracie Hart: Hi.

Joel: Oh, yes. I can work with this. I can work with this. Your are going to be my icon.

Gracie Hart: Hey, calm down.

Joel: Hmm.

Joel: Tinas of the world unite, take the stage!

Joel: Who are you? Why did you kill Pirelli?

Lynwood: [Long pause] Silence...is golden.

Joel: Wednesday, do you think that maybe someday you might want to get married and have kids?

Wednesday: No.

Joel: But what if you met the right man, who worshiped and adored you? Who'd do anything for you? Who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?

Wednesday: I'd pity him.

Joel: I'll never forget you.

Wednesday: You won't?

Joel: You're too weird.

Joel: Cara mia.

Wednesday: Mon cher.

Joel: [he is dressed like Gomez] How do I look?

Wednesday: Disturbing.

Joel: [to Wednesday and Pugsley] Look at this. I got 'em. "Schizos and Serial Killers". I have almost the whole series. I'm only missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac Guy.

Joel: [Wednesday catches Debbie's wedding bouquet] Now you have to get married.

Wednesday: It's not binding.

Cousin Ophelia: Tramp.

[last lines]

Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.

Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.

Joel: What do you mean?

Wednesday: If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.

Joel: How?

Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.

Joel: No, you wouldn't.

[kneels at Debbie's grave]

Joel: We're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best.

[reaches out to put flowers on the grave; a hand reaches up and grabs him. He screams while Wednesday smiles]

Joel: Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?

Wednesday: What?

Joel: I die.

Gary: Yes, indeedy, just the ticket: "Bambi."

Becky: "Lassie Come Home."

Gary: "The Little Mermaid."

Wednesday: Stop it!

Joel: [motioning to Pugsley] He's only a child.

Wednesday: Hurry up!

Pugsley: I'm coming.

Joel: Wait!

Wednesday: Who's there?

Joel: Be careful. Tetanus.

[siren sounds]

Amanda: [walking toward Wednesday, Pugsley and Joel with Gary, Becky and Camp Children] There they are! I saw them sneak out.

Gary: Children, what do you think you're doing?

Wednesday: We have to see our family. It's very important.

Becky: More important than a summer of fun? More important than making new friends? More important than sharing?

Gary: And Joel Glicker. I'm surprised at you.

Joel: I-I have to get out of here. I have allergies.

Becky: [mockingly] Oh, you're allergic? To sunshine and archery and crafts?

Joel: Yes.

Amanda: I think they should be punished.

[starts chanting]

Amanda: Punish!

Camp Children: [chanting along with Amanda] Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish!

Becky: No! No! We are *not* here to punish. We are here to inspire.

Gary: Campers? Do you know what I think are little ninja friends here need? Do you know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted little lives right all around?

Joel: What?

Camp Children: [singing in unison with Gary, Becky, and Amanda] Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Oh Lord, kumbaya.

Wednesday: What are you in for?

Joel: I wouldn't go horseback riding.

Wednesday: That's all?

Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.

Wednesday: Why not?

Joel: I just wanted to read.

Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Sue O'Malley: What are you majoring in?

Joel: Russian literature and Slavic languages.

Sue O'Malley: Oh wow, that's pretty interesting. What career track is that?

Joel: Cabby, hot dog vendor, marijuana delivery guy. The world is my oyster.

Sue O'Malley: [turning down a date from Joel] He told my parents. We're Catholic. He told my parents that you're Jewish.

Joel: Oh, but I'm an atheist, maybe more of a pragmatic nihilist I guess or an existential pagan if you will...

Sue O'Malley: Yeah, yeah um, but my parents are really strict. Sorry.

James Brennan: [after being told that Lisa P. is back] Who's Lisa P?

Joel: [Points] That's Lisa P.

[They watch her walk and turn around]

Joel: Oh my God, look at the shape of her ass. It's a platonic ideal. That ass is a higher truth. Look, look at that little portal of light, just below her crotch, right where the thigh meets the pudendum.

James Brennan: The pudendum? Are you pre-med?

Joel: I'm telling you, man, I've had dreams about that diamond-shape portal.

[Joel stands up]

Joel: Oh shit, she's coming over here, man. Be cool.

James Brennan: Okay, I'll try to hold it together.

Joel: What's the point of being a writer or an artist anyway? Herman Melville wrote fuckin' Moby Dick, he was so poor and forgot by the time he died that in his obituary they called him Henry Melville. You know, like why bother? They're just going to forget our fuckin' names anyway. I heard Em went back to New York.

James Brennan: I wish it didn't end like that, I should've - I don't know.

[Beat]

James Brennan: Your Herman Melville story that - that's bullshit.

Joel: It's true, they called him Henry.

James Brennan: No, I mean, he wrote a seven-hundred page allegorical novel about the whaling industry. I think he was a pretty passionate guy, Joel. I hope they call me Henry when I die, too.

Joel: One can only hope

Joel: We pay little Malaysian kids 10 cents a day to make these toys, we can't just *give* them away.

Joel: [playing arcade game] Two options: I can play it safe, pick them off from back here, or I can rush into the breach guns a blazing, make a run to the cortex and... bombs away!

[sound of beating a level]

Joel: "Audentes Fortunas Juvat", Fortune Favors the Bold. Virgil said that.

Em Lewin: I'm sure Virgil had Bionic Mutant in mind.

Park customer: [throws ball at dummy's hat, nothing happens] I hit that thing dead on!

Joel: Yet he still retains his chapeau.

James Brennan: I am amazed at how tiny my paycheck is. I've been working doubles.

Joel: Well, we are doing the work of pathetic, lazy morons.

James Brennan: Hey, is it because of Sue?

Joel: What?

James Brennan: Why you quit. Because, Joel, you're a great guy, you know, and she doesn't deserve you.

Joel: James, look at me. I'm not a good looking guy. And I'm poor. Girls aren't gonna go near me when there's all these fucking yuppies around.

James Brennan: That's ridiculous. Not all women are like that. You know, Em isn't like that.

Joel: Em?

James Brennan: Yeah.

Joel: You don't even appreciate what you have. You're chasing after Lisa P. when you have this incredible, beautiful girl right fucking there. Fuck this.

Joel: [Giving James, who's just been hired, a tour of the games] Okay, new guy, let's get this over with. Here we are at the first of many shitty games. This one is inexplicably called The *Flighing* Dutchman. Even more inexplicable is how they decided to spell it.

Joel: [after getting hit in the head with a corn-dog] That was a whole corndog!

James Brennan: [Falco's Rock Me Amadeus song is played once again at the amusement park] Jesus Fucking Christ! They play this song like 20 times a day!

Joel: Fucking sadists. Fucking sadists!

Joel: [looking at fish bowls] A little more than 40% of these fish are dead.

Sue O'Malley: [drunk, helped to her feet by Joel] You're so strong-ish.

Joel: I'll take that.

Joel: So your life must be utter shit, or you wouldn't be here.

James Brennan: I was supposed to go to Europe, but my family has money problems.

Joel: What about foreplay?

Mary: No! Foreplay is for sissies! Real men go in, unload and pull out!

Joel: I... I mean, you're more than just a sissy. You're nice and... and clean and smart... and sexy and firm and luscious and...

Andre: Excuse me! The last thing I need right now is some fruit who's just proved himself straight tellin' my ass how sexy I am!

Mary: Ok, then, who's left to report out their root? Andre?

Andre: Shit, Ms. Mary, I ain't the only one who ain't got no root.

Mary: Andre, we don't use profanity or double negatives here at True Directions. Ok, who's next? Megan!

Megan: Well, I've really been thinking but I just can't think of anything.

Graham: I think our little Prom Queen is too afraid to disclose.

Megan: Oh, really? What's your root, Graham?

Graham: We're working on your issue here, not mine. You're deflecting.

Mary: Actually, I think it might be a great idea for Megan to be reminded of your root, Graham.

Graham: My mother got married in pants.

[group applauds]

Mary: All right, let's see, uh, Dolph!

Dolph: Too many locker room showers with the varsity team.

Mary: Hilary?

Hilary: Um, all girl boarding school.

Mary: Sinead.

Sinead: I was born in France.

Mary: Clayton.

Clayton Dunn: My mom let me play in her pumps.

Jan: I like balls.

Mary: Why, thank you for that Jan.

[group applauds]

Mary: Joel?

Joel: Traumatic... bris. So... yeah.

Joel: What is it with women? Y'know, they say they don't care about looks - they just want a guy who's smart and funny - but they always just end up laughing at whatever the good-looking stupid guy says.

Joel: If I don't get home before 8, she puts on the sweatpants.

Joel: And once the sweatpants are on, I get nothing.

Suzie: Who'd you want to have an affair with, anyway?

Joel: Just some criminal drifter.

Dean: [Looking at Cindy through the office window] Damn! She work here?

Joel: Yes, she's a temp.

Dean: She's a tramp?

Joel: "Temp!"

Brad: Hey you weren't supposed to be here for another 4 hours... What happened to your face?

Joel: same thing...! Your face is going to look like my face if I ever... ! Actually, your face is going to look worse than mine if...

Joel: What if I tell her you did it all for money? How about that Ding-Ding?

Dean: You should try smoking a little pot.

Joel: That's a drug.

Dean: It's not a drug. It's a flower.

Dean: You know, I'm starting to think this might have been a mistake.

Joel: Really?

Dean: Maybe it was my fault, you know?, maybe it was your fault.

Joel: No, it's yours.

Dean: A lot of blame to go around here. I think there are some people who just aren't meant to do drugs, *Joel*. I think you're one of those people, man.

Joel: I think that I just got distracted with Dean, and the drugs, and the gigolos.

Dean: You need to take some Xanax.

Joel: Xanax? Isn't that for anxiety?

Dean: It's good for all psychological problems in the DSM-IV. Xanax basically just makes you feel good. That's why it works for *everything*. I take it for the common head cold!

Dean: There are ways, ancient ways from Aztec times of getting your wife to cheat on you, if that is what you need.

Joel: Let's hear it.

Dean: You hire a gigolo to have an affair with your wife.

Joel: You had sex with my wife again?

Brad: Well, I figured we already did it once, so what's the big deal, right? Besides, I'm not going to charge you.

Joel: You're not going to charge... You *are* going to charge me and I am going to pay you, because you are not going to have sex with my wife for free, all right?

Suzie: I thought that was a surprisingly tasteful funeral.

Joel: Yes, it was. You know, when I was looking down on him, I thought, this might be the longest I've ever seen him with his mouth shut.

Suzie: Yeah...

Joel: Here. It's my favorite fuchsia. Live and be well.

Larry: Two minutes ago, you were my agent. and now you're telling me that...

Joel: Larry, I'm sorry. That's the way the mop flops.

Larry: That's what i get after seven years? That's the way the mop flops?

Joel: Larry, you have every right to feel like this is the lowest point in your entire life. Arnie, what are you doing? You're bending the fern. Don't bend the fern. Fluff it! Fluff it!

Molly: Can I ask you a question: how do you sleep at night?

Joel: I usually jerk off and then sleep pretty soundly.

Joel: Give me another one, make it a double.

Bartender: You look like you had a bad day.

Joel: Heh, tell me about it.

Bartender: Well, you came in here looking like crap and you haven't said very much.

Joel: You can say that again.

Bartender: Well, you came in here looking like crap and you haven't said very much.

Melanie: [on the phone] ... So he went down on me and I came in like one second, haha...

Joel: Good morning Melanie.

Melanie: Oh my boss is here, I'll call you later. Bye dad.

Brenda: Desert's almost ready. Who wants coffee?

Eggbert: I would love a double-cream, no coffee.

Valerie: I'll have a half mocha macchiato.

Teddy: I'll have a caf, half latte caramel venti frappuccino.

Molly, Joel: Boy, whatever happened to just good old regular coffee?

Molly: ...Asshole.

Joel: Cunt.

Joel: Why don't you just take a jerk, you hike!

Joel: [at dinner party] So, uh, Molly...

Molly: Listen, before you ask me anymore questions from the Icebreaker Handbook, here's the 411: Upper Sweet Side NYC. Does the name ring a bell?

Joel: Yeah. Little candy shop?

Molly: Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize, he's a winner! What does he want Johnny? A new car! Yes, that is my store and I put my whole life into it.

Joel: I had no idea.

Molly: The only line you care about is the bottom line. Are you the kind of person I feel a strong connection to? Yes. Do I find you cute and funny? Yes. Could you be the guy that I fall for and live with forever? Yes, but the point is you're a corporate robot. And so it is with great pleasure that I say to you, go jump in a lake, meathead!

[chucks water in his face and storms off, everyone gasps]

Joel: Molly. Wait, Molly!... Shit.

[awkward silence]

Joel: I'll have what she's having, heh.

Bob: ...You are having what she's having. It's all the same food; the pasta and the beans and the lentils.

Joel: What are we doing?

Molly: Oh my god, this is all happening so fast.

[Joel moves in for a kiss]

Molly: . I can't - my Aunt Flo is visiting.

Joel: You're on your period?

Molly: No, my Aunt Flo is visiting me from Florida. Hey Aunt Flo.

[Turns to see her Aunt Flo standing nearby]

Molly: .

Molly: Umm... forget it.

Joel: What?

Molly: No, I...

Joel: C'mon, tell me.

Molly: Are you hungry?

Joel: Hungry? Try starving.

Molly: Why don't I have you over for dinner? I'll make you my world famous mac and cheese.

Joel: 'K

[smiles and nods]

Molly: I like how you say 'K.

Joel: I like how you say I like how you say 'K.

Joel: I have a dream, that someday I want to have my own coffee place, A Cup of Joel, you know, as like in cup of joe, but I would say Joel...

Molly: Right.

Joel: ...because everyone knows cup of joe, cup of Joel because my name's Joel.

Molly: Smart.

Joel: So Joel instead of joe.

Molly: I get it.

Joel: Ahh, I don't know, it's probably just wishful thinking, right, it's kind of stupid.

Molly: No, it's not stupid, it's great, you should do that.

Joel: Tiffany always said that it was a dumb idea.

Molly: I don't know Tiffany, but she sounds like a stupid bitch.

[Both chuckle]

Ben Murphy: I mean, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Joel: Yeah, I feel as bad as you do.

Ben Murphy: Now she's using her honeymoon ticket without me. I mean, how is that supposed to make me feel?

Joel: Bad. I think.

Ben Murphy: Three weeks ago, I was the happiest guy in the world, and I just... Now I'm just sitting here with you.

Joel: Thanks. Thanks, Ben. Appreciate that.

Joel: Look, don't take this the wrong way, 'cause Sadie's cool, I like her a lot. But there are plenty of fish in the sea. And now is your time to be the king barracuda, and get out there and swim with the sweet tuna. The ocean is yours, man.

Ben Murphy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Joel: Okay.

[pauses]

Joel: You're a bear. Now, jump in that forest and you gotta tag as many cute, furry bear butts as you can.

Ben Murphy: Joel... You're my best friend, man. You know that?

Joel: Yeah.

Ben Murphy: And I love you. You know that?

Joel: I love you too.

Ben Murphy: But you got to be the worst advice-giver I know. I mean, not only is your advice terrible, but it just backfires at every turn! And now you're talking to me about fish and bears. She's a woman, Joel! I mean, she's an amazing woman. And she's just so beautiful, and she's loving and... It was all right there. And I lost it. And I don't need you telling me that I should go out and find someone else. I mean, I don't need anybody telling me how to go... I don't need anyone telling me...

[rushes up, hurrying out of the bar]

Danielle: You dance for tips, right? That's why you got all them singles.

Joel: It's my art. If people want to give me money for my art, that just makes me a professional artist.

Danielle: Right, you're a stripper.

Joel: Erotic entertainer.

Danielle: Stripper.

Joel: My daddy took off when I was little.

Clarke: Like Dani's.

Danielle: Mine took off before I was born, so I win.

Joel: Are we competing?

Danielle: I'm just saying, I probably had it worse.

Joel: You know what it's like then, don't you? That crazy thing when you look for him everywhere. Anytime you're in a crowd, there's a chance, so you... walk around a little straighter, hoping to look your best, just in case. Looking everywhere for somebody who don't want to be found.

Joel: Wait a second, boys! Man, it's a party! Who's got the chips?

Joel: I'm every girl's type.

Joel: What're you guys doin' in, uh, Dorkville?

Dinger: Wow, speak of the Devil.

Joel: What d'you mean by that, Dinger?

Dinger: Nothing. Me and Bobby were just talking about evil things and you guys happened to show up. Nothing at all.

Joel: I'm not in the mood for this shit, Dinger.

Darryl: Hey Roy, because I saved your life earlier, I was wondering if you'd put me on the cricket team next year?

Roy: Are you fucking kidding me? No one's getting on that team unless somebody dies first.

Darryl: So, just one person's gotta die?

[cocks shotgun, smiles]

Darryl: Easy, I thought I was gonna have to go to training or something!

[off Roy's look]

Darryl: What, you should've seen the 6's I was hitting with Joel before!

Joel: Are you out of your skull, Darryl? You have the coordination of a stillborn giraffe!

Robert: Yo man!

John: What's up mother fucker?

Robert: So what do you think?

Cornelia: Haven't you heard?

John: No, what?

Joel: Sander Karlsson is dead.

John: No, you're bullshitting me!

Joel: Rick Allen isn't the drummer of Iron Maiden.

Robert: So who is?

Joel: Nicko McBrain plays in Maiden.

Robert: You just made that name up.

Joel: You're thinking of Def Leppard. Rick plays in Def Leppard.

Robert: And the difference is...?

Joel: The guy only got one bloody arm!

Robert: You can't play drums with one arm!

Joel: Fuck. I think I have to go home.

Saga: Take some water.

Joel: No, this is serious. It must be the pills. There is something wrong with them.

Saga: What pills? What have you taken?

Joel: Something is so fucking wrong...

[Vampire transformation starts]

Joel: Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

Joel: [narration as Clementine acknowledges him by raising her coffee mug] Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

[first lines]

Joel: [voice over] random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.

Joel: I know.

Clementine: What do we do?

Joel: Enjoy it.

[last lines]

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.

Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

Joel: Okay.

Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

Joel: [in the house on the beach] I have to go. I have to catch my ride.

Clementine: So go!

Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.

Clementine: I wish you had stayed.

Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.

Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!

Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!

Clementine: Why?

Joel: I don't know. I felt like a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.

Clementine: You were scared?

Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.

Clementine: Was it something I said?

Joel: Yeah... you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?

Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.

Joel: It's okay.

[Walking Out]

Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?

Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.

Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.

[Joel comes back. Clementine walks down the stairs towards him]

Clementine: Bye Joel.

Joel: I love you.

Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...

Clementine: Joely?

Joel: Yeah Tangerine?

Clementine: Am I ugly?

Joel: Uh-uh.

Clementine: When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.

Joel: [kisses Clementine] You're pretty.

Clementine: Joely, don't ever leave me.

Joel: You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty...

Joel: Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks.

Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be.

Joel: What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that she's a stranger.

Joel: Hi.

Clementine: Hi. Didn't figure you'd show your face around me again. I guess I thought you were... humiliated. You did run away, after all.

Joel: I just needed to see you.

Clementine: Yeah?

Joel: I'd like to, um... take you out, or something.

Clementine: You're married.

Joel: Not yet, not married. No, I'm not married.

Clementine: Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.

Joel: Okay.

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.

Joel: I remember that speech really well.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?

Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.

Clementine: Hmm. Probably.

Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.

Clementine: Ohhh... I know.

Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.

Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

Joel: I had a really nice time last night.

Clementine: Nice?

Joel: I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life, last night!

Clementine: Thaaaat's better!

[as Joel and Clementine eat out, he thinks about the other glum-looking couples in the restaurant]

Joel: Are we like those bored couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? I can't stand the idea of us being a couple people think that about.

Clementine: And in your wormy little brain. You try to figure out, "Did she fuck someone tonight?"

Joel: No, see Clem. I assume you fucked someone tonight. Isn't that how you get people to like you?

Clementine: You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything... every damn embarrassing thing. You don't trust me.

Joel: Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

Clementine: I don't do that. I want to know you.

[angry]

Clementine: I don't constantly talk! Jesus! People have to share things, Joel...

Joel: Mmmhhmmm...

Clementine: That's what intimacy is. I'm really pissed that you said that to me!

Joel: I'm sorry... I just, my life isn't that interesting.

Clementine: I want to read some of those journals you're constantly scribbling in. What do you write in there if you don't have any thoughts or passions or... love?

Clementine: You know me, I'm impulsive.

Joel: That's what I love about you.

Joel: I can't remember anything without you.

Clementine: Aw, that's... very sweet, but try.

Joel: [on tape recording] And the whole thing with the hair - it's all bullshit.

Joel: I really like your hair.

Clementine: Thank you.

Clementine: I'm Clementine. Can I... borrow a piece of your chicken?

Joel: And then you just took it... without waiting for an answer. It was so intimate; like we were already lovers.

[Joel calls Clem on the telephone]

Clementine: What took you so long?

Joel: I just walked in.

Clementine: Do you miss me?

Joel: Oddly enough, I do!

Clementine: You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!

Joel: I guess so!

Clementine: [after discussing the names for all the different hair colors there must be] I apply my personality into paste.

Joel: Oh, I doubt that very much.

Clementine: Well, you don't know me so... you don't know, do you?

Joel: Sorry, I was... just trying to be nice.

Clementine: Yeah... I got it...

[She hides behind the seat for a minute]

Clementine: ... I'm Clementine, by the way.

Joel: I'm Joel.

Clementine: Hi, Joel.

[they shake hands]

Clementine: No jokes about my name... Nooo, you wouldn't do that. You were trying to be nice.

Joel: I don't know any jokes about your name.

Clementine: Huckleberry Hound.

Joel: I don't know what that means.

Clementine: Huckleberry Hound? What are you, NUTS?

Joel: It's been suggested.

Clementine: You're not a stalker, or anything, right?

Joel: I'm not a stalker. YOU'RE the one that talked to me, remember?

Clementine: That is the oldest trick in the stalker book.

Joel: Really? There's a stalker book? Great, I gotta read that one.

Joel: Can you hear me? I don't want this any more! I want to call it off!

Joel: Mierzwiak! Please let me keep this memory, just this one.

Clementine: I wish you'd stayed.

Joel: I wish I'd stayed, too. NOW I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd... I wish I'd stayed... I do.

Joel: Is there any risk of brain damage?

Howard: Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but it's on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you'll miss.

Joel: Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!

Clementine: [Clementine has dyed her hair orange] You like? To match my sweatshirt, exactly.

Joel: Ahaaahhhhh! Ohhhhhh! I like it!

Clementine: You do?

Joel: You look like a tangerine!

Clementine: Hmmm, Clementine the tangerine.

Joel: Juicy... 'n seedless.

Clementine: I like that.

Joel: Wait!

Clementine: ...What?... What do you *want* Joel?

Joel: I don't know! I want you wait for just a... a while.

Joel: By morning, you'll be gone.

Clementine: Let me show you something... come on...

Joel: I think I heard a crack.

Clementine: It's not gonna crack, or break, or... it's so thick!... Show me which constellations you know.

Joel: Um... oh... I don't... know any.

Clementine: Show me which ones you know!

Joel: Okay... okay... oh! There's Osidius.

Clementine: Where?

Joel: Right there... see? Sort of a swoop and a cross, Osidius the Emphatic.

Clementine: You're full of shit, right?

Joel: Nope. Osidius, right there, swoop and cross.

Clementine: Shut the fuck up!

Carrie: I saw you talking to someone pretty!

Rob: Yeah, man, who was that?

Joel: She was... just a girl.

Joel: If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know.

Joel: I think your name is magical.

Joel: My God, there's people coming out of your butt.

Joel: [talking to Clementine in the train] Sorry, I'm just... trying to be nice.

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.

Joel: I remember that speech really well.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?

Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.

Clementine: Hmm. Probably.

Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.

Clementine: Ohhh... I know.

Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.

Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

Clementine: Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat I'm high maintenance. So I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage or whatever it is ya got goin' on there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.

Joel: Okay.

Clementine: You married?

Joel: No.

Clementine: Let's move into this neighborhood!

Joel: I do sorta live with someone though.

Clementine: Male or female?

Joel: What? Female... female...

Clementine: At least I'm not barking up the wrong tree!

[Clementine comes in drunk and collapses on the couch. Joel has been sitting up and reading; his voice is angry]

Joel: It's 3 o'clock.

Clementine: I kinda sorta wrecked your car.

Joel: You were driving drunk. It's pathetic.

Clementine: I was a little tipsy. Don't call me pathetic.

Joel: Well, it *is* pathetic. And it's fucking irresponsible. You could've killed somebody. I don't know, maybe you did kill somebody. Should we turn on the news and see? Should I check the grille to see if there's children or small animals?

Joel: It's goddamn freezing on this beach. Montauk in February, brilliant, Joel.

Joel: He's seducing my girlfriend with MY words and MY things! He stole her underwear! Jesus Christ, he stole her underwear.

Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.

Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.

Joel: Okay.

Joel: I love being bathed in the sink - such a feeling of security.

Clementine: I've never seen you happier, baby Joel.

[Patrick knocks on Joel's car window while parked in front of Clem's apartment]

Joel: Yes?

Patrick: Can I help you?

Joel: What do you mean?

Patrick: Can I help you with something?

Joel: No.

Patrick: What are you doing here?

Joel: I'm not really sure what you're asking.

Patrick: Oh, thanks...

[Clementine and Joel have broken into an empty house on the Montauk beach]

Joel: I think we should go.

Clementine: No, it's our house! Just for tonight...

[she looks at an envelope on the counter]

Clementine: ...we are David and Ruth Laskin. Which one do you want to be? I prefer to be Ruth, but I'm flexible.

[Clementine is leading Joel out onto the frozen Charles River]

Joel: I don't know. What if it breaks?

Clementine: What if? Do you really care right now?

Clementine: I'm gonna marry you... I know it!

Joel: Ummm... okay...

Joel: Why would she do that to me?

Rob: Hey does anybody want a joint?

[looking at the letter from Lacuna, Inc]

Joel: What is it?

Rob: I don't know, it's a place that does a thing...

Clementine: What are you, NUTS?

Joel: It's been suggested.

[Clementine is trying to comfort baby Joel by showing him her crotch]

Clementine: My crotch is still here, just as you remembered it.

Joel: Yuck!

Clementine: Look, I'm sorry if I came off a little nutso, I'm not really.

Joel: That's okay, I really didn't think you were.

Joel: I'm so ashamed.

Clementine: It's okay, you're a little kid.

Joel: This is working like gangbusters.

Joel: [at his first party] Welcome. Eat, drink, and make contacts.

Linda: Joel throws a nice party, doesn't he?

Lenny: What's REALLY nice is that Uncle Sam pays for half. And HE wasn't even invited.

Joel: [introducing Lenny to cocaine] Faith may move mountains; this stuff makes them FLY.

Slim: Hey, you guys wanna hear a joke?

Gil Weatherton: No.

Sam Docherty: No.

Joel: No.

Slim: Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Joel: Look, granted, I should've read your book before I took this job, but I'm reading it now and, whoa! I just read what happened to your last camera man. The guy got gutted. Now I'm gonna do what any rational human being would do and that is to get the fuck outta here.

Gale: First of all, he wasn't gutted; I made that part up... his throat was slashed.

Joel: Gale, gutted, slashed, the guy ain't in the union no more.

Joel: I'm gonna get some donuts, some Prozac; see if I can find some crack, Special K, X... not Malcom, and I'll be back when y'all start talking about somethin a little more "Saved By The Bell"-ish!

Joel: Brothers don't last long in situations like this.

Joel: What is this, "I know what you did 18 summers ago"?

Joel: New York is wild - nothing seems normal - everything seems out of place.