Jessica Quotes in The Nice Guys (2016)

Holland March: [to Holly] You're supposed to be at Jessica's.

Jessica: Yeah, sorry, Mr. March. My sister kicked us out. She's having a guy over.

Holland March: Your sister's such a slut.

Jessica: Yeah, I know.

Jackson Healy: What do you think?

Holly March: I like her

Jessica: I like her dress

Holland March: It's a nice dress, but she's a loon. According to her, her mother's single handedly gonna wipe out all of Western society

Jackson Healy: Well yeah. However there are people trying to kill her right, like John Boy

Holly March: Who's John Boy?

Jessica: He's on The Waltons

Jackson Healy: No a different John Boy

Bruce Wayne: Good morning. I'm here to see Mr. Earle.

Jessica: [without bothering to look up from her desk] Name?

Bruce Wayne: Uh... Bruce Wayne.

Jessica: Let's take our clothes off first, before they freeze on us.

Logan: NO! Don't go in there! You don't have to die! No one has to die at 30! You could live! LIVE! Live, and grow old! I've seen it! She's seen it!

[Shows the crystal on his palm]

Logan: Well, look! LOOK! LOOK, IT'S CLEAR!

[Crowd laughs]

P.A. System: Lastday, Capricorn 29's. Year of the City: 2274. Carousel begins.

Jessica: No! Don't! Don't go! Listen to him! He's telling the truth!

[More laughter]

Jessica: We've been outside! There's another world outside! We've seen it!

[Sandmen grab them]

Logan: Life clocks are a lie! Carousel is a lie! THERE IS NO RENEWAL!

Jessica: Things don't change.

Liu Jian: I am a cop.

Jessica: I am Santa Claus.

Liu Jian: Who is Santa Claus?

Jessica: How long did I sleep?

Liu Jian: Only a minute.

Jessica: I'm not your type, huh?

Liu Jian: I don't have a type.

Jessica: No, no, no, no needles.

Liu Jian: No needles?, No

[grabs a needle and uncuffs her]

Jessica: Ow, how did you do that?

Liu Jian: Chinese magic.

Jessica: Tum Tum, I made your favorite bacon, lettuce, tomato, bologna, ham and swiss cheese sandwich.

TumTum: No thanks mom, I'm not hungry...

Jessica: [When Jessica's investigating in the incidents, Benny's explanation to her what he "thinks" what happened to the sausage stall is hilarious. We see a cut scene to Benny's imagine spot how a group of ten masked men standing on a black pickup truck drive by the sausage stall firing a grenade launcher at it]

[Jessica interrupted]

Jessica: But why would someone blow Janne's kiosk with a grenade launcher?

Benny: Deception maneuver. Well, they blow up the kiosk while they plan to do another thing somewhere else. Like in Die Hard 3.

Jessica: [Having a hard time, believing it] ... Ah, okay.

Jessica: So, you think Bella's gonna be showing?

Angela: Jess, she is not pregnant!

Jessica: [sarcastically] Okay. Who else gets married at 18?

Angela: I'm telling you, I saw something in the woods!

Eric: It's okay, baby. I believe you.

Jessica: No he doesn't. He's just trying to get lucky.

Angela: It was jet black and huge. On all fours it was still taller than a human.

Jessica: A bear, maybe?

Mike: Or an alien. You're lucky you didn't get probed.

Jessica: Yeah, like that would happen.

Angela: Well, I saw it.

Bella Swan: You know, you're not the only one. My dad's been getting reports down at the station. Something like 5 hikers been killed by a bear, but they can't find the bear.

Angela: Hm.

Eric: Hahahaha. Last time you clowns doubt my girlfriend!

Mike: So listen... Now that you're talking again... And eating... You know

[pokes Bella's stomach]

Mike: You gotta get that protein in there. You know I was just wondering if you wanted to go see a movie with me.

Bella Swan: Yeah... Sure. Yeah I do.

Mike: Okay... We could check out "Love spelled backwards is love" You know, it's a dumb title, but, um, it's a romantic comedy, it's suppose to be...

Bella Swan: No. No romance. Uh, well, how about "Face Punch" You heard of that?

Mike: Well, it's an action movie.

Bella Swan: Yeah, it's perfect. With guns... adrenaline... it's my thing.

Mike: Okay...

Bella Swan: We should get a bunch of people... You guys wanna go see "Face Punch" ?

Eric: Yeah! Hey, Mike, remember we were suppose to watch that? The trailer's all like "* Pew, pew!* Punch his face in"

Jessica: Movie night with Bellllllaaaaaaa

[Rolls eyes]

Jessica: So, you're an adrenaline junkie now?

Jessica: When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like, astronauts, president... or in my case, a princess.

[the students and parents chuckle lightly]

Jessica: When we were ten, they asked again. We answered, a rock star, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. But now that we're grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this. Who the hell knows?

[the other students cheer and applaud]

Jessica: This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; this is a time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love... a lot. Major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind, and change it again, because nothing's permanent. So, make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask what we want to be, we won't have to guess... we'll know.

Alice Cullen: I've decided to throw a party.

Jasper Hale: After all, how many times are we going to graduate high school.

[Edward scoffs]

Angela: A party at your place?

Jessica: I've never seen your house.

Eric: No one's ever seen their house.

Edward Cullen: Another party Alice?

Alice Cullen: It'll be fun.

Bella Swan: Yeah. That's what you said last time.

[Alice slumps back, has a vision]

Bella Swan: [trying to distract her from Alice] Hey Angela.

Angela: Yeah?

Bella Swan: You need some help with those?

[last lines]

Jessica: Mummy?

Heather: Horton! We've all got our own little clovers with worlds on them!

Jessica: Mine is called Jessica-Land and everyone worships Queen Jessica because Jessica is so beautiful!

Katie: In my world,everyone's a pony nad they all eat rainbows-and poop butterflies!

Harrison: You haven't been outside this house in days.

Jessica: I thought this is where you wanted me -- looking decorative, waiting for the suitors to call.

Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place...

Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX.

Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?

Vicky: I've never tried it.

Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Vicky: [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her] Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?

Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.

Vicky: Right.

Jessica: Whoa!

Jessica: I'm sorry, I should have knocked first.

Robbie: The thing is, I have a picture of you. I think about you while I'm doing it.

Jessica: I don't want your slutty money!

[Lee sits by the pool as one of her sister's friends talks about sexual harassment]

Lee: My lawyer's representing a woman who's suing her boss for sexual harassment.

Jessica: Is he a good lawyer?

Lee: [Lee closes her eyes and moans] He's the best.

Lee's Sister: [Lee's sister jokes back by repeating] 'He's the best.'

[Jonah is missing]

Jessica's Father: Jessica, this is your father. Tell us where he is, right this minute!

Jessica: "N.Y."

Sam Baldwin: What's that?

Jessica's Father: "No way."

Sam Baldwin: That's "N.W."!

Jessica: New York. He's on his way to New York.

Jessica's Mother: What? How?

Jessica: United, Flight 597.

Jessica: I am telling them you're twelve so you can fly unaccompanied and the stewardess won't carry you around and stuff like that.

Jonah Baldwin: Are you crazy! Who'd believe I'm twelve?

Jessica: If it's in the computer, they believe anything.

Jonah Baldwin: Are you sure?

Jessica: Do you want me to say that you are really really short for your age and they shouldn't say anything because it would hurt your feelings.

Jonah Baldwin: Yeah, that's a great idea!

Jessica: H and G.

[Sam peers back at her]

Jessica: Hi and goodbye.

[Talking to Vicky while she's hanging clothes back up on the racks at work]

Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.

Vicky: None?

Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

[Nadia is sitting at a table drinking a Pepsi when Sherman comes over to start a conversation]

Sherman: [a few minutes into the conversation] I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.

Nadia: And I am lucky lady?

Sherman: Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.

Nadia: Fuck me, geek!

Sherman: Affirmative!

[Sherman and Nadia go upstairs to have sex]

Stifler, Jessica: No fuckin' way!

Jessica: [Thinking if she would actually be able to get with Stifler] Forget it.

Stifler: Like you have a chance!

[Both knock back a shot]

Stifler: How many girls did you sleep with this year?

Jessica: Wouldn't you like to know.

Stifler: Fuck yeah I would.

April: Ok, let's make a list of all the people that hate Jessica.

Lulu: You know what would be a shorter list? All the people that don't hate Jessica.

Jessica: You bitch!

Boris Yellnikoff: I'm dying! I-I'm dying!

Jessica: Should I call an ambulance?

Boris Yellnikoff: No, not now! No, not tonight, I mean eventually!

Jessica: You are a very difficult man to live with

Boris Yellnikoff: Is that why you had an affair?

Jessica: I didn't have an affair, it was a brief interlude of infidelity

Jessica: If she's so nice go and make out with her.

Elin: Okay, what do I get if I do?

Jessica: If you do what?

Elin: If I make out with her.

Jessica: You'll get AIDS, probably.

Jessica: It's the same with Markus. Although he's getting better now, in the beginning it was just... prrffft.

Jessica: Sir, your wife called. She won't be able to make it to the show tonight.

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Did she say why?

Jessica: It was hard to understand through the slur.

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: What direction do you think "left" is? See, because if you go with your instinct and reverse it, I think we have something happening. How difficult is this? I'm so alone, I think.

Jessica: I am trying. You are intimidating me.

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Well you are FRIGHTENING me. You understand that? How do you get dressed in the morning? Do you have people come in, or do you just lie in state?

Helen: Some people smoke pot, some people bungee jump, some people chant. What do you do to be happy?

Jessica: Nothing. I'm not.

Helen: What does your therapist say about all of this?

Jessica: Oh, I could never tell my therapist.

Helen: Why not?

Jessica: Because it's private.

Dan Stein: You know, I've been hearing about "the one" for I don't know, like 20 years. I guess I thought it would be a guy.

Jessica: I know, I know, but look, I don't even believe that any more. I don't believe there's just one person. I think there are, like, seven.

Jessica: You don't appreciate the chaos and absurdity of life on this planet. You don't understand irony, or ethnicity, or eccentricity, or poetry, or the simple joy of being a regular at the diner on your block. I love that. You don't drink coffee or alcohol. You don't over eat. You don't cry when you're alone. You don't understand sarcasm. You plod through life in a neat, colorless, caffeine free, dairy free, conflict free way. I'm bold and angry and tortured and tremendous and I notice when someone has changed their hair part, or when someone is wearing two very distinctly different shades of black or when someone changes the natural temperment of their voice on the phone. I don't give out empty praise. I'm not complacent or well-adjusted. I can't spend fifteen minutes breathing and stretching and getting in touch with myself. I can't spend three minutes finishing an article. I check my answering machine nine times every day and I can't sleep at night because I feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world, and I wonder every day if I am making a difference and if I will ever express the greatness within me, or if I will remain forever paralyzed by muddled madness inside my head. I've wept on every birthday I've ever had because life is huge and fleeting and I hate certain people and certain shoes and I feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and I hate myself a lot of the time. The rest of the time I adore myself and I adore my life in this city and in this world we live in. This huge and wondrous, bewildering, brilliant, horrible world.

Jessica: Oh, I'm a terrible insomniac.

Helen: I'm so sorry. Since when?

Jessica: Um, I don't know, since birth.

Jessica: Wait a second. Are you saying my life has no value?

Helen: No! I am saying that maybe, underneath all the neurosis, you have a profound capacity for happiness that your're not allowing to exist.

Jessica: How do you know? You just met me.

Helen: You can't possible know who you are or how you'll respond to something until you try it.

Jessica: I happen to disagree. I happen to think that if you know yourself well, you can gauge how you're gonna react to something. And I pretty much assure you that I will never be made happy by chanting for spiritual enlightenment.

Helen: Or maybe you would. You can't know.

Jessica: Trust me, I know.

Helen: You know?

Jessica: Yeah, I know.

Helen: You know how you'll react to anything?

Jessica: Pretty much, yes.

[Helen than grabs Jessica and kisses her passionately, then pulls away looking at Jessica's silent, stunned look]

Helen: [sarcastic tone] I guess you're right. You seem to know yourself pretty well.

Josh: [after confessing his feelings to Jessica, he kisses her] So I guess I'd like to know if you have some sort of reaction to this. More specifically, do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night?

[she doesn't respond at first, and Josh adopts a look of defeat and embarrassment]

Josh: Well, if you'll excuse me, I definitely need another drink.

Jessica: [she stops him] No, wait. I'd love to have dinner with you, but I can't.

Josh: What? Not the season?

Jessica: [laughs nervously] No. I mean I cant have dinner with you because I'm with Helen.

Josh: Oh, you're having dinner with Helen?

Jessica: No. I mean I'm *with* Helen.

Josh: [he looks at her in disbelief] Like *with* with Helen?

Jessica: Right *with* with.

Helen: [Helen enters from the stairwell] Jessica, they're starting to serve dinner.

[Jessica exits]

Helen: Hey, Josh.

Josh: [still can't believe what he's just heard] Helen...

[beat]

Josh: how are you?

Helen: [smiles] I'm good thanks.

[she exits]

Josh: You know Stein, why don't you cut yourself a break. It's obviously not the time to be meeting someone anyway.

Jessica: [sarcastically] Really? What? Not the season?

Josh: No. It's just because you're clearly not open to it.

Jessica: [laughs] Excuse me? I'm sorry. How would you know?

Josh: Well, I do have a little history to draw from. But even if I didn't, you've known Charles here for about an hour and in that time you've dismissed a panoply of men based on factors as reductive as a linguistic misstep, a different view from yours on going dutch, a kind reaction to your legendary lateness, and a genuine interest in yoga. You know, I think it was Anais Nin who said, "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."

[chuckles]

Josh: Generally I'm not much of a Nin fan, but I do feel that bit sums you up to a "T", Stein. So I don't think the problem's with these poor men, these freaks and morons, as you put it. I think the problem is with you.

Jessica: [telling Helen why her relationship with Larry didn't work out] He just wasn't funny, you know? That's always been my problem, I think. Not smart or not funny. Or not smart and not funny. Or smart, but in a totally unappealing way like funny stupid or funny dopy, rather than funny witty, or funny irony or funny goofy. Or, you think they're smart- and then you realize that they're not- and that's funny. But funny tragic. And then, if you're lucky enough to find someone who's the right kind of smart and the right kind of funny, usually they're just... kinda...

Helen: Ugly?

Jessica: Ugly, exactly. Oh my god, is that awful?

Helen: No, not at all. Ugly doesn't do it for you. That's okay. See me, I'm kinda into ugly... But only if it's sexy ugly.

[after their fifth make-out session]

Jessica: So, I figure if we keep going it like this, we'll get there in like two weeks or so.

Helen: Yeah, sure. There's no real rush.

Jessica: Are you sure?

Helen: Yeah, sure.

Jessica: But you'd really...

Helen: Not at all.

Jessica: How about ten days?

Helen: Ten days is better.

Jessica: [quoting Rilke] It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed: it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope. But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical will live the relation to another as something alive.

Jessica: Would you shut up, I'm atoning!

Jessica: I was surprised to learn that lesbians accessorized, I didn't know that.

Jessica: [to Helen] Oh, no offense... no offense. I mean look at you. Who wouldn't want to have sex with you. I mean 'do' you.

[Josh is confronting Jessica after she made a private phone call]

Josh: You a little jumpy today Stein?

Jessica: No.

Josh: You got a hot date?

Jessica: No.

Josh: Yeah. Who's the guy?

Jessica: There's no guy.

Josh: Oh come on, you're a terrible, terrible liar.

Jessica: Trust me, there's no guy.

Jessica: Or-Or smart, but funny in a totally unappealing way. You know? Just like funny/stupid, or funny/dopey, but not funny/witty or funny/ironic or funny/goofy, you know? Or-Or they seem smart, and then you realize that they aren't at all. And that's funny, but funny/tragic.

Jessica: [Opening Lines]

[after Martin receives a fax showing American Dreamz as the top rated show]

Jessica: How are the numbers?

Martin Tweed: Incredible.

[chuckles]

Martin Tweed: Absolutely incredible.

Jessica: Congratulations.

[pause]

Jessica: I'm leaving you.

[long pause]

Jessica: Did you hear what I said? I'm leaving you.

Martin Tweed: [still staring at the fax] Yeah, I heard. Yeah, Yeah

Jessica: I'm not kidding.

Martin Tweed: I know.

[turns and walks toward her]

Martin Tweed: Look, I think it's an excellent decision on your part.

Jessica: You do?

Martin Tweed: You're a fantastic person and the last year's been really great. You're beautiful. The sex has been wonderful. You're kind and supportive. You wait for me with dinner when I work late: you're amazing. And it's driving me out of my *fucking* mind.

[she stares in disbelief]

Martin Tweed: You know, with numbers like this, this should be the happiest day of my life and instead i have to worry about whether I make *you* happy all the time!

[pause, her lip quivers]

Martin Tweed: Jessica, sweetheart, you make me feel like being a better person. And I'm not a better person. I'm me.

Jessica: [teary-eyed as she walks away] I feel sorry for you.

Martin Tweed: Don't. I certainly don't. In fact, I envy myself deeply.

[while Watching John Dixon practice his relay starts]

Wendy: Romeo, Romeo, cover me in honey and suck it off with a straw.

Jessica: What?

Wendy: God. He's perfect.

Jessica: Fancy him do you?

Wendy: He can pass me his baton any day.

Kevin: Weren't you listening in there, Jes? Careful, you don't know what you might catch. Forget him. He's a...

Jessica: He's a what? Poof? Queer? Faggot? Anything else you can think of?

Steven's Mother: I'll tell you what else he is. He's my son, and I'm very proud of him. And if you do anything to hurt him, I'll have your bollocks for earrings.

Jessica: It's not a gay story, it's a pervert story.

Kevin: What's the difference?

Wendy: You're not gay and you're a pervert.

Jessica: All right, let's spread out. We'll find her.

Jessica: I'll be right back. Stay alert!

Jessica: When we first met you seemed so elusive and brooding and intense, an enigmatic poet. But what I took to be deep and mysterious has just turned out to be really sad and unhappy.

Officer Degepse: Do we have any injuries?

Jessica: We may have a fatality if somebody doesn't get his ass off me!

Jessica: [as Jinx removes the tape covering her mouth] Fuck! That hurts you whiny little son of a bitch! I couldn't care less...

[Jinx places tape back over Jessica's mouth]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Well then, skippy, if I wanted more verbal abuse I'd call some customer service center somewhere.

[Jessica tries to speak but only muffled sounds come out]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: What was that? I didn't catch that last part. Was that "sorry for being a bitch"? "I'll be nice now"?

[after grabbing ringing cell phone from Jessica's pocket]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: What's this?

[removes tape from Jessica's mouth]

Jessica: [sarcastically] That's what they call a cell phone.

Jessica: Mind if I make a suggestion?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Fine. Why not?

Jessica: Tell him I can open the door, but you won't allow me to until he guarantees you safe passage out.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: [talking to Simon on the phone] She says she can open the door, but...

Simon: [interrupting] I heard her. It's a good plan. I'll give you my guarantee. 100%.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: [to Simon] You're lying.

Jessica: No, he's not.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: [to Jessica] You're lying!

Jessica: No, I'm not.

Jessica: Huh.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Don't "huh" me. I'm supposed to be the "huh" guy.

Jessica: Who's going to monitor a Duran Duran fan forum chatroom when there's real crime out on the streets?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Wait a second. Did you just say Duran Duran?

Jessica: Yep.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Why not, uh, Zepplin?

Jessica: Everyone knows Zepplin is a forum for CIA Counter Terrorism.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Oh you've got to be effin' kidding me. Zepplin are spooks and Duran Duran are 80s pretty boy badass crime syndicate? That is just not right.

Jessica: Oh, if I didn't love you so much I'd fuckin' hate your guts.

Serena: Now, to solidify your place in Tau history, one final challenge: The Freak Fest. Take one and pass the hat. Written on each slip of paper you will see a type of person.

[Sorority pledges start opening their drawn papers to read "cripple," "deaf dude" and "fat fuck"]

Serena: Your Tau pledge mission? Find the freak, work your charms, and get him to declare his love for you.

Jessica: [opening her paper to read "Muslim] I'm literally fucked!

Amanda: What's so bad about that?

Jessica: Hello. I'm a Jew! What'd you get?

Jessica: [reading "fag" on Amanda's paper] Harsh.

Serena: In three weeks we're having a party. Bring your dates and then, without mercy, dump them. You will prove to your sisters that you can survive in this world, that, if pushed, you can be as ruthless and disgusting as men.

Jessica: My dad says that homosexuality's everywhere, like Mexicans.

Sally: ...And you're NOT a lesbian. I mean, everybody has girlfriends. Men have friends, women have friends. That doesn't make you a lesbian. Do you sleep in the same room with her?

Jessica: Sure. How else can I be a lesbian?

Sally: Where does Mark sleep?

Jessica: With us.

Sally: In the same bed?

Jessica: In the same bed.

Sally: Is that a way to bring up a boy? He'll be a lesbian!

Jessica: Rebecca, you were a much better dancer when you were a bulimic. Why don't you take that up again? We could keep buckets at both ends of the stage...

Jessica: Come on out if you have the balls to show yourself.

Jessica: She's your mother. Come on, Matt. Be serious.

Matt "Spider" Strilecki: I've never been more serious about anything.

Jessica: Oh my God. She doesn't know, does she?

Matt "Spider" Strilecki: No.

Jessica: Are you going to tell her?

Matt "Spider" Strilecki: Yeah. Maybe. Maybe when you tell me it's never gonna work.

Matt "Spider" Strilecki: Excuse me.

Jessica: Yes?

Matt "Spider" Strilecki: I, uh, got these for my birthday and I wanted to return them.

Jessica: They weren't your size?

Matt "Spider" Strilecki: Yeah, I lost a lot of weight.

Jessica: Where's Jack?

Maya: Probably stuck in some checkpoint somewhere.

Jessica: You two hooked up yet?

Maya: Hello, I work with him. I'm not that girl that fucks. It's unbecoming.

Jessica: So? Little fooling around wouldn't hurt you.

Jessica: [to Maya] So, no boyfriend... 'you got any friends at all?

Mason: So, 3 years ago, right, we have this girl here named Liza Green. She's 17,older than everybody else on the unit at the time, and I don't mean this in a pervy way or anything, but she's real pretty.

Grace: She was gorgeous.

Mason: All the guys on the unit want her but she won't give any of them the time of day because she was busy. She was always studying.

Grace: She was very smart. Mmm-hmm.

Mason: Really smart. So, two weeks before she turns 18 and leaves, we get this new intake. It's a 15 year old guy. He's really tough. He's really quiet. But, he's cool. He's just kind of like kicking back, checking out the scene. And I swear I didn't hear him say a word, the whole first week he was here. But, then one day, we were doing community meeting and we ask for announcements. And this guy raises his hand, and he looks directly at Liza Green, then he says, I know you don't know me. I just got here. But I just want to say that I've been watching you. I think you're the most interesting thing about this place, and I'm really sad I'm not going to get to know you before you leave.

[Jessica gets surprised]

Mason: I just wanted to tell you that.

Nate: What a pimp! What'd she say?

Mason: Nothin.

[Everybody laughs]

Grace: It was so awkward.

Mason: It was so fuckin awkward I couldn't stand it. And then she left and never talked to him. The kids teased him for like a year about it.

Nate: Oh, that blows.

Mason: No, he didn't give a shit. No, didn't even faze him. It was like, he knew somethin everybody else didn't.

Nate: Who is this guy?

Mason: That was Marcus.

Jessica: What? I never heard this story.

Grace: Oh, wait. It gets so much better.

Mason: Yeah, yeah. So, check this out. Grace and I are getting coffee at Ronnie's this morning. And we walk in, and who do we see sittin there alone at a table? Marcus! Buttoned-up his shirt. He's sippin on a cappuccino.

Nate: Marcus drinks cappuccino!

Mason: So, we're talking to him. We're catchin up. And he's telling us about his new job at the aquarium and his much he tales home in tips. And now, he's going to start applying for classes next semester.

Jessica: Oh my god!

Mason: Yeah. And it's weird 'coz I'm like, I have not heard Marcus talk this much ever, since I met him, like, what is the deal? Is he excited to see us? Is he nervous about somethin? And that's when I notice, there's another cappuccino on the table and an empty chair next to him. And then just like in the fuckin movies, bathroom door flings open, out walks Liza Green.

Nate: They were on a date?

Grace: It was like their fifth one.

Mason: As soon as she sits down, dude just goes beet red. So embarrassed.

Grace: Oh... oh, it was so cute.

Mason: Oh, it was so fucking cute, I almost pissed my pants.

Jessica: You Okay, man? How do you feel?

Nate: Not good. I mean, that... that was crazy. They just fight like that?

Jessica: Nate, I'm not asking you how you're feeling.

Nate: Right. Sorry.

David: Somebody might come in here

Jessica: Guess you'd better fuck me fast.

Jessica: We're through! I don't like being spied on. The only reason I'm with you is because my daddy likes you. You're a joke.

Jessica: You're not that Wilson that's a fortune teller, are you?

Annie: I don't call myself that.

Jessica: I'd love for you to read my fortune.

Annie: I'm pretty booked up.

Jessica: Do you think we'll leave happily ever after?

[pause]

Jessica: What's the matter? You see something bad?

Annie: Of course not. I'm sure you'll be real happy together.

[from trailer]

Jessica: Hey, you're not getting weird on me again are you?

Tim: No.

Jessica: I am never merry when I hear sweet music.

Jessica: [Jessicsa sees both her husband and her brother in-law lying in hospital beds side by side with badages covering their face] Which one is my husband?

Jessica: [trailer] He knows things about me. Things he couldn't possibly know. You really beleive that a soul could leave its body?

Jessica: [Jessica wants Ryan's brother Roman out of her house] When are we getting our house back?

Ryan: Everybody is always giving Roman a raw deal. He's my brother, I'm not going to do that.

Jessica: I know you don't see it, but he scares me.

Jessica: I sit here and I can't believe that it happened. And yet I have to believe it. Dreams or nightmares? Madness or sanity? I don't know which is which.

Jessica: I was just, er, looking at the picture. It looks so much like you.

Emily: My lord, it does. Gee, how weird. What's the matter?

Jessica: Nothing. It's just, er, it does look so very much like you.

Emily: It's an old print. It could look like anybody.

Jessica: No, it's... it's the eyes.

Old man: Look what they're driving. Damn hippies, creeps!

Duncan: Some welcoming committee.

Jessica: I don't think they like our mode of transportation.

Woody: Look at those bandages. I think these guys are left over from the Civil War.

[to the old men]

Woody: It's cheaper than a station wagon!

[They drive off, laughing]

Old man: Good riddance.

Jessica: [voiceover, talking to herself] Don't tell them. Act normal.

Emily: [Emily and Duncan have just finished playing a song together] Wow, terrific! He's really something! I mean, really.

Jessica: He's an important man. He was with the Philharmonic.

Emily: Are you going to try to find someplace around here to play?

Woody: No, he's gonna farm. Raise apples, have a garden... get back to nature. He's a nut.

Jessica: *I'm* the nut.

Woody: [Jessica and Duncan are trying to communicate with the Girl in white, who is mute, when Woody shows up] What's that?

Jessica: She led me to the body.

Woody: What's the matter with her?

Jessica: She knows who killed that man!

Woody: What man?

Duncan: [exasperated] I don't know.

Jessica: You don't believe me. You don't think there's anything strange going on.

Duncan: I think it's... it's all strange.

Jessica: What's going on?

David Staebler: Your mother's gonna murder one of us. So far the only one she hasn't nominated is you.

Jessica: I don't believe this, Richard, the vanity... now get out of here before I lose my temper.

Richard: But I was just asking you out.

Jessica: I thought you were meant to be something of an expert, you seem decidely rusty to me.

Richard: Rusty, certainly not, what's the answer?

Jessica: No. No! I've never seen anybody so obviously thinking about another...

Richard: Another what?

Jessica: I was going to say a woman, but it's more likely to be a 15-year old girl, isn't it? Who is she? Are you at a loose end tonight because of her? Or are you trying to forget her?

Jessica: Ellie, no one is dead! Well, Megan.

Cassidy: [while returning to the party] Where is everybody?

Claire: Probably dead.

Jessica: Yeah, and the corpses drove their cars home, idiot!

Jessica: [to Maggie, sarcastically] Oh, no! Don't go out there!

[Cassidy shoots a dirty look]

Jessica: ... what? I tried to warn her.

Mrs. Crenshaw: I saw what you did.

Jessica: We didn't mean to kill Megan.

Mrs. Crenshaw: Kill Megan? I was talking about trashing my house.

Jessica: [after finding Megan's corpse in the shower] Oh, she looks terrible.

Jessica: It's Mickey... I would know those ugly ass shoes anywhere.

Cassidy: Is he dead?

Jessica: Well, he has a fucking tire iron through his head... Do you think it's the same one that killed Megan?

Cassidy: You make it sound like the tire iron killed Megan by itself.

Jessica: Thank you for the grammar lesson. I'm just sayin' it looks a little... updated, doesn't it? Like someone... pimped it out.

Jessica: I'm gonna deal with you later!

Maggie: You might wanna deal with that hair first, because it looks like shit.

Ellie: Megan's alive, you guys.

Jessica: Ellie, you're being borderline retarded right now.

Mrs. Crenshaw: [points shotgun at Jessica] Talk.

Cassidy: Okay, listen, it was an accident and we'll explain everything later but right now, Clair is dead, Mickey's dead, Chugs is dead, and we don't know if Megan's alive or not.

Maggie: Wait, so Megan's not dead?

Jessica: We don't know! We need to get the hell out of here.

Mrs. Crenshaw: Who else is here?

Jessica: Kyle.

Mrs. Crenshaw: Is he in on this thing?

Jessica: [unconvincingly] No.

Mrs. Crenshaw: [cocks gun, points it back to her] Lie to me again.

Jessica: Okay, I told Kyle about Megan.

Cassidy: Of course you did! What's with this ''sisters for life'' crap, huh? Was I the only one that didn't tell anybody?

Mrs. Crenshaw: Where is Kyle?

Maggie: Don't look at me! He left as soon as he heard you coming.

Mrs. Crenshaw: Well, he, she or it is about to get two rounds to the face. You girls wait in Jessica's room. And call the police.

Jessica: Well, who knew Mrs. Crenshaw was such a badass?

[Jessica is performing mouth-to-mouth CPR on an unresponsive Megan]

Chugs: That is so hot.

Ellie: Chugs!

[Megan suddenly grabs Jessica by the back of her neck and presses her closer, then Jessica pulls away]

Megan: What, no tougne?

Jessica: Easy there, Lezzie Lohan. This is make believe, remember?

Cassidy: I love you Jessica because you make being a bitch an art form.

Jessica: [irritated] Here, here.

Jessica: Please God don't let me get killed. Please God don't let me get killed.

Cassidy: Stop giving Him ideas.

Jessica: Oh, shit. Who set the house on fire?

Jessica: Cassidy, my room. Theta toast. Now.

Cassidy: You seen Andy?

Jessica: Hoes before bros.

Jessica: Friend me on Facebook, I'll totally confirm.

Jessica: Okay, we cannot let Ellie see this text.

[Ellie screams from upstairs]

Jessica: Shit! Too late.

Jessica: Ugh, This is so stupid. We are missing out on the part of the year.

Cassidy: I know, how inconvinent. Why couldn't Ellie have had a nervous breakdown tomorrow?

Jessica: You know Cassidy, your sarcasm makes you sound like a bitch. And nobody likes a bitch.

Jessica: [after running over Garrett with her van] Well, at least we won't be getting anymore of those text messages.

Jessica: Claire, I like being your friend because... it makes me multicultural without having to do anything.

Jessica: [Impatiently] What?

Claire: I keep thinking about that text.

Jessica: [sighs] Claire! Garrett is a little bitch. He says we made him kill Megan? As if. Seriously, Clair, grow a pair.

Claire: Jessica, I've always had your back.

Jessica: But you've never had a backbone.

Jessica: [talking about the pills that Megan swallowed to play the prank] Too bad it doesn't prevent bulimia, that's something Megan could actually use!

Ellie: I don't see a way out of this.

Jessica: Well, maybe there is.

Jessica: I want my dolly!

[wearing a Nefertiti hat]

Jessica: I can't compete with this. I can't take this emotional blackmail.

Jessica: You think that they're right to do a thing like this to me?

Jessica: We can smile, we can cry. We can bleed... we can fuck.

Jessica: We're gonna die. You know that don't you?

Hendricksson: Yeah, but not today, and not here.

Jessica: Jessica Henson, Pittsburgh, how do you do?

Jessica: We heard the screaming, then they got very quiet. Nothing except the smell of death