Chet Quotes in The Nice Guys (2016)

Chet: Dean was a filmmaker. Kinda, like, experimental kindsa films. That's actually, like, kinda how we, we met, 'cause I'm kind of in the, in the business myself.

Jackson Healy: What do you do?

Chet: Projectionalist.

Joe Hallenbeck: Can I have a cigarette?

Chet: A cigarette? Yeah sure.

[gives him one]

Joe Hallenbeck: Got a light?

Chet: Yeah, got a light.

[pretends to give him a light and punches him instead]

Chet: Hey baby I thought you were tough. See Pablo, he's no sweat!

Joe Hallenbeck: I seem to have dropped my cigarette. May I have another?

Chet: [hesitates] Sure, sure thing buddy.

[gives him another cigarette]

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm gonna need a light. You touch me again, I'll kill ya.

Chet: [gasp as Nick shows the bomb vest] What the fuck? Is that thing real?

Nick: Chet, if I don't get to the money in time. This thing gonna blow.

Chet: [angry] And your first though was to come to a school, filled with young children

Chet: Okay, climb through the window.

Nick: You climb through the window!

Chet: No, I'm holding the bag.

Nick: I'm holding the bomb!

Chet: [singing] Painting our guns, painting our guns for the bank robbery, 'cause if we go in with our plastic guns then the cops will shoot us in our face...

Nick: [to Mr. Fisher] Now, listen to me... We're obviously, uh, stealing the car! And you won't report it stolen until later tonight, let's say... 5 o'clock. Or 6, to be safe!

Chet: 6:15!

Nick: Yeah, right! 6:15.

Chet: Don't even bother calling the cops! We own the cops!

Kate: Why did that engine explode?

Nick: Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of typed in the code, reactivated it and put in the back of that guy's van.

Chet: What? That's some John McClane shit! Yes!

Kate: How did you remember the code?

Nick: [hesitates] It doesn't matter. We are alive, and we are rich.

Chet: Okay, what if we saw off both of your arms, slip the vest over your head, than go to the hospital, they'll re-attach your arms. We'll just keep your arms on ice the whole time.

Nick: Fuck that!

Chet: I don't know what to do, man. All these sites have different shit. There's not a lot of consensus in the bomb disarming community. What did they do in the Hurt Locker?

Chet: Maybe I should just become a bank robber. I'm pretty good at it. Teachers don't make shit. Bank robbers make bank.

Chet: You wanna fuck my sister?

Nick: I said your sister was sexually attractive.

Chet: Uh, my twin sister? Which is basically like fucking me?

Nick: Remember graduation night?

Chet: When you were nailing Tina Scotto?

Nick: Actually, I was having the best night of my life with your sister.

Chet: [trying to pick out the right toy gun to buy and use in the robbery by practicing with it in the store] EVERYBODY! GET DOWN ON THE GR...

Nick: Shhh! Jesus!

Chet: [more quietly] Everybody! Get down on the ground NOW and go get us our money!

Nick: Uh, how are they supposed to get the money when you just told them...

Chet: Go get us our money and THEN everybody get down on the ground!

[during the bank robbery, to a man sporting a handlebar moustache]

Chet: Quit lookin' at me, moustache!

Johnny: Enjoy the attention while it lasts, boys. After you lose, no one will remember you.

Mike Wazowski: Maybe. But when you lose, no one will let you forget it.

Chet: Oh, boy. That is a good point.

[while trying to find someone to join his team for the Scare Games, Mike spots his Roommate Randy in the Crowd]

Randy: Excuse me. I'm running a little late.

Mike Wazowski: Thank Goodness, Randy. My Old Friend, I really need you to be in my team.

Randy: Sorry Mike. I'm already part of a team.

[Randy walks out of the crowd, revealing a ROR Jacket that he received after Sulley was kicked out of their team, much to Mike's shock]

Randy: They really liked my performance in the Final Exam, that they accepted me into their team.

Johnny: [Calling out] Hey Boggs, over here.

[Randy walks over to the Rest of the RORS]

Johnny: Do your thing.

[Randy turns invisible, leaving only his jacket visible]

Chet: Woah, where did he go?

[In the First Challenge of the Scare Games, Mike and Sulley arrive badly stung from the Glowing Purple Urchins at the finish line, just behind the RORs]

Chet: Wait a blow Oozma Kappa!

Mike Wazowski: C'mon Guys. 2nd Place can't be that bad.

Greek Council VP: [Jaws Theta Chi arrive behind them, unharmed] 2nd Place, Jaws Theta Chi.

Mike Wazowski: *What*?

Johnny: Your whole team has to cross the finish line.

Greek Council VP: 3rd, Slugma Slugma Kappa. 4th, Python Nu Kappa. 5th, Eta Hiss Hiss. And in Last Place...

[the Rest of Mike and Sulley's Team arrive, very badly stung from the Urchins than they are]

Greek Council VP: Oozma Kappa!

Greek Council President: [Removing Oozma Kappa's name from the Leaderboard] Oozma Kappa have been eliminated!

[Dean Hardscrabble approaches a surprised and upset Mike, smiling]

Dean Hardscrabble: Don't look surprised Mr. Wazowski. It would've taken your team more than a miracle to win.

Greek Council VP: Attention everyone, we have an announcement. Jaws Theta Chi have been disqualified.

[Holds up a tin of Protective Gel that they've been using]

Greek Council VP: The use of Illegal Protective Gel, is the cause for elimination.

Big Red: [as referees remove the Protective Gel from him] Hey what are you doing, it's moisture.

[the referee stabs Big Red's arm with an Urchin, causing it to swell up like a balloon, with Big Red screaming in pain]

Greek Council VP: [Removing Jaws Theta Chi from the Leaderboard and adding Oozma Kappa back on] It's a Miracle, Oozma Kappa are back in the games. Only 1 team can go after each challenge.

Dean Hardscrabble: Your luck will run out eventually.

[Walks away]

Mike Wazowski: This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Chet: Theo, What happens if you wake up tomorrow, and your powers are gone?

Turbo: Then I better make the most of today.

Chet: Am I dead? Is this heaven? I always thought it'd be cleaner.

Chet: Is this really necessary?

Smoove Move: No, but where's the fun in that?

Chet: With the television gone, you can stop watching races and get on with your life.

Turbo: I have a life?

Chet: Has the whole world lost its mind?

Matt Douglas: That went a little too easy. You guys are getting soft.

Greg: Mr. President, once again, we really wish you wouldn't do that. You put yourself at great risk, sir.

Matt Douglas: Oh, yeah, right. Let me ask you something. In all the years ex-presidents have had Secret Service protection, has there ever been even one assassination attempt on any of 'em?

Chet: Uh, no, sir.

Matt Douglas: I find that sad. The minute you're out of office they don't care enough about you to kill you anymore. People are FICKLE.

Chet: How 'bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?

[Gary and Wyatt have just returned home from a bar. Gary is very drunk but Wyatt is perfectly sober]

Chet: [to Wyatt] If he pukes, you die.

Chet: You two donkey-dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue.

Chet: [pointing a rifle at Gary's face] Freeze!

Gary Wallace: Chet!

Chet: [Hits Gary in the head with the rifle] Where's my brother?

Gary Wallace: Ow... uh, I don't know.

Chet: [Hits Gary again] You're dead meat pilgrim!

[Points the rifle at Deb]

Gary Wallace: Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, that's her nose. Come on, Chet she's got nothing to do with this!

Chet: Ok. You die, she walks out of here with a severe limp.

[Points the rifle at Gary and Deb repeately, then hits both in the head]

Chet: I'll be back.

[Leaves the room]

Gary Wallace: That's Wyatt's older brother Chet. He's kind of an asshole.

Chet: [opens a pantry door, his grandparents are in there, frozen] Hi Nanny, hi Grampy.

Chet: [closes door and turns to everyone else] I'm not a moron, you know. I...

Chet: [suddenly realizes] Was that my grandparents?

Chet: [Lisa nods, Chet opens the door again] Are they dead?

Lisa: Oh, no, they're just resting.

Chet: What are they doing in here?

Lisa: I put them in there. I didn't want to Garry and Wyatt to get into trouble. Quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.

Chet: Not having a good time? Do you think they're having a good time being catatonic in a closet?

[Chet finds out that the house is a mess and his room is snowing. He blasts the door to his sister's room where Wyatt are Hilly were sleeping]

Wyatt: Hi Chet.

Chet: [Grabs Wyatt] What the hell is going on around here?

Wyatt: It was an accident Chet.

Chet: An accident? An accident? Do you realize it's snowing in my room goddammit!

Wyatt: It's weird Chet. It's really weird Chet.

Chet: It doesn't take a genius to figure that out monkey dick. Start talking little man.

Wyatt: It's a really long story Chet. Gary and I were messing around with the computer Friday night. We decided to make a woman and we did and she went crazy and she messed up the whole house.

Chet: Don't smart mouth me you wormy little shit!

[Places Wyatt in a neck hold]

Hilly: Look just leave him alone!

Chet: Stay out of this bimbo! It's a family matter.

Wyatt: Look Chet. Find Lisa. She'll clear up everything.

[Chet tightens his grip on Wyatt]

Wyatt: You can have my college money. And my social security, Chet.

[Chet releases Wyatt]

Chet: You're stewed, buttwad!

Wyatt: [looks around; nervously] Me?

Chet: Do you know what time it is?

Wyatt: [guessing] Two?

Chet: Time to play the fiddler.

Wyatt: I was kind-of counting on you to be human about this...

[Chet grabs him by his lapels and shoves him hard against the wall]

Chet: I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad everything. I'm even considering makin' up some shit!"

Chet: Lady, I wanna get to the bottom of this. ASAFP.

Lisa: Oh, so do I.

Chet: But first I'd like to... butter your muffin.

Lisa: Why do you have to be such a wanker?

Chet: Because I get off on it!

Chet: Like your panties!

Wyatt: It's a joke, Chet!

Chet: That's not a joke, that's a severe behavioral disorder. I mean, the next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head!

Lisa: This is a nuclear missile!

Chet: I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey!

Chet: This goes WAY beyond payment!

Chet: [to Wyatt] Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.

[Wyatt is dragging the very drunk Gary up the stairs where they meet Chet]

Chet: The boozehounds returns!... What a joke.

Chet: It's time to pay the fiddler...

Bartender: He's been struck by lightning... how many times has it been now, Reg?

Reg: S-s-s-s-s-s-s-six...

Chet: Six times?

Reg: S-s-s-six-six-six-six-six-six-sixty-sixty-six times. In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n the head!

Chet: Sixty six times? God, that's gotta hurt.

Chet: Bear... bear... Big Bear... big bear chase meeeeeeee...!

[Chet is being pulled by the boat on water-skies at high speed]

Chet: You bastard! You bastard!

Roman: I think he's saying go faster.

Roman: I think we should go into town tomorrow and pick up a ski boat. Whaddya say? Sound good, guys? Uncle Roman'll blow some coin on a kick-ass drag boat!

Chet: That's OK, we're renting a pontoon boat.

Roman: Pontoon boat? What the hell are you gonna do with a pontoon boat? Retake Omaha Beach?

Kate Craig: Ahh!

[Kate and Roman run out of their bedroom]

Roman: What?

Kate Craig: It touched me!

Roman: It's been touching you for 12 years, you never freak!

Kate Craig: Not you!

[Kate hits Roman on the arm]

Kate Craig: A thing.

Roman: What thing?

Chet: [Comes out of his bedroom, along with the rest of the family, and turns on the lights] What's going on?

Kate Craig: That thing!

[Points to a bat]

Roman: Oh, it's just a little sparrow.

Kate Craig: C'mon Roman, it's got ears!

Buck Ripley: Jesus!

[Everyone screams and runs out of the cabin]

[Chet is telling everyone about his bear story]

Chet: So when you go to bed tonight, and you hear a noise, whatever you do, don't look out the window...

[Chet shouts while he tosses some of his alcoholic beverage into the fireplace causing a huge fireball shooting out of the chimney]

Chet: because there might be a bear!

Kate Craig: [during a big row] Roman, why don't we just get out of here, come on honey. Come on girls, let's go!

Roman: Good idea.

[they go upstairs]

Chet: Well, it's the first good idea you've had since you've been here. And by the way, don't steal any of our stuff.

Kate Craig: Ha ha, what stuff is there to steal?

Connie Ripley: We got stuff!

Roman: [Chet, Roman, and the kids are out fishing and are putting bait on their hooks] These are the biggest worms I have ever encountered.

Chet: They're not worms, they're leeches.

Chet: You'll have to excuse my brother-in-law. He gets a couple of cocktails in him and he becomes an expert on everything.

Roman: I don't need cocktails for that. Was that a shot?

Chet: No, that was the truth.

Roman: Oh, that was a shot!

Chet: That... was a shot.

Roman: [to the bartender] Speaking of shots, set us up!

Chet: If you meet any friends, bring them back and we'll give them a ride in "Suck My Wake."

[Chet and Roman are arguing]

Chet: You've got an awful lot of nerve, Roman, a lot of nerve.

Roman: It's served me well, I'm the one with the Mercedes.

Chet: By the way, is it paid for?

Roman: Are you jealous? Chester!

Chet: Don't call me Chester! Call me that one more time and you're gonna go home with a dent in your forehead!

Kate Craig: Oh yeah, that'll be the day!

Chet: Would you like one to match his?

Roman: [raising his fists] Hey, take it easy! You wanna go right now?

Buck Ripley: [breaking them apart] Dad, dad, dad. No one's denting anybody.

Roman: Thanks, Bucky.

Buck Ripley: Oh, bite the big one, Uncle Roman!

Connie Ripley: Hey, don't talk to adults that way!

Buck Ripley: Why not?

Roman: Because it's rude.

Connie Ripley: Oh, blow it out your ass!

Maddy: Chet, tell me you did not fire our lifeguards and replace them with... strippers.

Chet: Water-certified strippers.

Chet: Double D's get in for free!

Apple: Can I show you something?

Chet: You can. I mean, we're in a public facility, and that might be inappropriate because...

Apple: On the bars, dimwit.

Chet: Oh, right! Absolutely. Bars, love the bars. Which ones are the bars?

Chet: Are you a trans or a res?

Barton Fink: Excuse me?

Chet: Transient or resident?

Barton Fink: Oh, I don't know. I'll be here indefinitely.

Chet: Res. That'll be $25.50 a week payable in advance. Checkout time is twelve sharp, but you can forget about that on account of you're a res. Now if you need anything, anything at all, just pick up your personal in-room telephone and talk to me. My name is Chet. Although we do provide privacy for the residential guests, we are also a full-service hotel including complementary shoeshine. My name is Chet.

[writes his name on a slip of paper in capital letters with an exclamation point and passes it to Barton]

Barton Fink: Thanks...

Chet: Welcome to Los Angleeees, Mr. Fink.

Chet: [after crashing into Scott/Santa] Ooh Chet done a doo doo.

Scat: I'm in love with a girl, and I don't even know her real name.

Chet: You, my friend, are in love with an image.

Scat: Is that bad?

Chet: Eh...

[thinks and then laughs]

Otis: It was arousing... violently arousing.

Chet: Otis, did you even read the book?

Otis: Yes... no.

Chet: How do you make God laugh? Make a plan.

Chet: If Plato is a fine red wine, then Aristotle is a dry martini.

Chet: Was she hot?

Harry Balbo: Amazingly. Sort of a... wild. Almost feral.

June: Stay warm.

Chet: Don't tell me what to do.

Jay: I don't deserve to be sitting at your table.

Chet: This is your table, son. And you're not the only one who messed up.

Chet: So now everyone in the country can hear your big mouth flap.

Barry: Oh, Chet. So nice to hear from you again. Shouldn't you be out burning crosses or molesting children or something?

Chet: I'd rather be talking to you.

Barry: Or training pit bulls?

Chet: You think you're so smart... You get the package I sent down to the station?

Barry: Package?

Chet: You got it, I know you did.

Barry: [Sarcastic] You sent me a present, Chet?

Billy Mae: They are scared of you. They are.

Chet: Really?

Billy Mae: They are scared of your youth and your, uh, spirit and your build. They think that they are the kings of the earth, and they do not want you taking away our place, see?

Chet: Well, I don't want it.

Chet: I think we're making fools of ourselves.

Louise: What?

Chet: Yeah.

Louise: I'm making a fool of myself?

Chet: Well, *we* are. Yeah.

Louise: Well, who are you to criticize me?

Chet: I'm not criticizing; I'm just saying.

Louise: Well, you don't have to tell me I'm making a fool of myself. Look, I know how to dance my way. I don't need you to tell me about it. I come from a musical background. I take care of a family of five. I have a college degree, and I don't need you to tell me I'm making a fool of myself.

Chet: Like Christ said, you know, Help thy neighbor, man.

Billy Mae: He's the one that said that?

Louise: Billy Mae, what difference does it make who said it?

Chet: What difference does it make who said it? It could've been, uh, it could've been him, it could've been Gandhi, it could've been Buddha, it could've been Spooda, it could've been your daddy, it could've been your mama, it could've been your uh-uh, it could've been your huh-huh... What difference, man?