Jackson Healy Quotes in The Nice Guys (2016)


Jackson Healy Quotes:

  • Holland March: Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt.

    Jackson Healy: People got hurt.

    Holland March: I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt.

  • Holland March: Munich.

    Jackson Healy: What?

    Holland March: Guy without his balls. A Munich.

    Jackson Healy: Munich, is a city in Germany, Munich. München.

    Holland March: You sure?

    Jackson Healy: My dad was stationed there.

    Holland March: Right. Hitler only had one ball.

  • [In the midst of being shot at, Healy jumps through a window]

    Jackson Healy: March! Gun! Gun!

    [March tosses Healy a gun, which careens through the window next to the one Healy just jumped through]

    Jackson Healy: Fuck!

    Holland March: Shit!

  • Holly March: You beat people up and charge money?

    Jackson Healy: Yeah.

    Holland March: Sad, isn't it?

    Holly March: How much would you charge to beat up my friend Janet?

    Holland March: What?

    Jackson Healy: How much you got?

    Holly March: Thirty bucks.

    Holland March: That's good, this conversation is over.

  • Holland March: I was in the pool.

    Jackson Healy: You were in the pool?

    Holland March: Yeah.

    Jackson Healy: Why?

    Holland March: I had to question the mermaids. What were you doing while I was working?

  • Jackson Healy: So, you know the old lady, right? Did you believe her?

    Holland March: What about?

    Jackson Healy: When she said she saw Misty alive that night, did you believe her?

    Holland March: God, no. She's blind as a bat.

    Jackson Healy: Uh-huh.

    Holland March: She has actual coke bottles for glasses. You paint a mustache on a Volkswagen, she says, "Boy, that Omar Sharif sure runs fast."

  • [Healy meets March in the bathroom after previously breaking his arm]

    Jackson Healy: March. Jack Healy. Don't get upset. I'm not here to hurt you. I just wanna ask you a question.

    [March opens the bathroom stall door and brandishes a gun]

    Holland March: How stupid do you think I am? I got a license to carry, motherfucker. Ever since your little visit the other day, this little baby's gonna stay right here.

    [as March gestures with his gun to his to shirt pocket, the stall door begins to close. March slams it open and drops the cigarette he had in his mouth into his pants]

    Holland March: Shit! Fuck!

    [March reaches down to grab the cigarette and the stall door closes again. He repeatedly slams it open with his foot. Healy is quietly amused]

    Holland March: Don't move.

  • Flight Deck Bartender: Guys, listen. You don't go up there, all right? Trust me. These New York guys are up there. Uh, business guys. They got fucking bodyguards. Kind of had their balls removed. What's that called? Huh?

    Jackson Healy: Marriage?

  • Jackson Healy: The place reeks of marijuana. They're smoking it.

    Holland March: I can't smell.

    Jackson Healy: What?

    Holland March: I got hit in the head a while back. I lost my sense of smell.

    Jackson Healy: You can't smell?

    Holland March: Yeah.

    Jackson Healy: You're a detective, and you can't smell?

    Holland March: Yeah.

    Jackson Healy: Aw, this just keeps getting better and better.

    Holland March: Wow, that's really insensitive.

  • Jackson Healy: Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate.

  • Jackson Healy: Hey, that's where I know you from, right? The TV. You're prosecuting that car company thing.

    Judith Kuttner: The lawsuit for the catalytic converter. Yes. That's half my day. The other half I spend on pornography.

    Jackson Healy: Hmm.

    Holland March: What kind? Like which films? What's your favourite?

    Jackson Healy: No, no. Uh, anti. Anti-porn.

    Holland March: Right.

    Jackson Healy: Like a crusader.

  • Holly March: You're the guy who beat up my dad.

    Jackson Healy: Hey.

    Holland March: No. Sucker-punched your dad. Big difference.

  • Healy's ex-wife: [in the middle of a romantic dinner with Healy at a restaurant] Jack, I'm fucking your dad.

    Jackson Healy: [spits water] What?

  • Jackson Healy: [Healy and March are carrying a dead body] You didn't fall down the fucking hill, did you? Did you fall down the hill?

    Holland March: I had, like, two, three drinks, tops.

    Jackson Healy: Yeah, that's why you can't walk straight.

    Holland March: Oh, excuse me. I'm carrying a dead body and I have his schwantz in my face. So, I'm sorry I'm not Bakishnarov.

    Jackson Healy: You can't even say Baryshnikov.

  • Jackson Healy: [at a porn producer's lavish party] Whoa. Well, we know Mary Jane turned up.

    Holland March: Who's that?

    Jackson Healy: Mary Jane. Marijuana. Pot.

  • [last lines]

    Holland March: To the birds?

    Jackson Healy: Hallelujah!

  • Jackson Healy: All right, so then your solution was you make a porn film?

    Amelia Kuttner: [Yelling] It's not a porno!

    Holland March: You know, I have neighbors.

  • [March and Healy are looking for Amelia at a demonstration where a bunch of people are lying motionless on the steps of the city hall wearing gas masks]

    Die-In Protester: We can't talk to you. We're dead.

    Holland March: No I- Yeah I get it. You know. I think it's very clever, I'm hip, but this is actually a really serious matter.

    Die-In Protester: So is this! We've all been killed!

    Holland March: No you haven't.

    Die-In Protester: F*** you man, we're dead!

    Smoker at Protest: They can't talk to you man, they're dead.

    Jackson Healy: [to smoker guy] What's the protest about, do you know?

    Smoker at Protest: [to the protesters] Any of you know why you're protesting?

    Die-In Protester: The air!

    Smoker at Protest: [to Healy] Air.

    Holland March: You are protesting the air?

    Die-In Protester: Pollution! The birds can't breathe!

    Jackson Healy: So all of you died 'cause of the pollution?

    Die-In Protester: [nodding] Right.

    Jackson Healy: What about the gas masks? They didn't... save you?

    Holland March: [when the guy can't answer Healy's question] That's f***ing... Alright!

    [starts walking down and accidentally steps on a protester's hand]

    Die-In Protester: [screams in pain and pulls her hand] F**ker!

    Holland March: Sorry. I thought you were dead.

  • Bourbon Bartender: Just chill here, you know. She's gotta come back down. Have a couple of cold ones on me?

    Jackson Healy: Oh, not for me.

    Holland March: He makes a strong argument, though.

    Bourbon Bartender: You see? Reasonable. Very reasonable. Now, your buddy, that was the problem, he wasn't reasonable.

    Jackson Healy: Our buddy?

    Holland March: Yeah, we don't have friends.

    Bourbon Bartender: The other guy looking for Amelia, he wasn't with you?

    Jackson Healy: Where'd he go?

    Bourbon Bartender: Got in the elevator right before you guys came in.

    Jackson Healy: Did you get a name?

    Bourbon Bartender: John something.

    Jackson Healy: Did you actually witness him getting into the elevator?

    Bourbon Bartender: No, it was told to me by a wise old Indian. Of course I fucking witnessed it.

  • Jackson Healy: What do you think?

    Holly March: I like her

    Jessica: I like her dress

    Holland March: It's a nice dress, but she's a loon. According to her, her mother's single handedly gonna wipe out all of Western society

    Jackson Healy: Well yeah. However there are people trying to kill her right, like John Boy

    Holly March: Who's John Boy?

    Jessica: He's on The Waltons

    Jackson Healy: No a different John Boy

  • Chet: Dean was a filmmaker. Kinda, like, experimental kindsa films. That's actually, like, kinda how we, we met, 'cause I'm kind of in the, in the business myself.

    Jackson Healy: What do you do?

    Chet: Projectionalist.

  • Holland March: Hey, aren't you that diner guy? Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. I gotta know.

    Jackson Healy: I don't wanna get into it right now.

    Holland March: You gotta get into it. I gotta know. You're the diner guy.

    Jackson Healy: [sighs] Alright...

    Holland March: Yesss...

    Jackson Healy: [in flashback] I was at a diner in Hollywood and this asshole with a shotgun started threatening people.

    Holland March: [March is lying on his back on the diving board] I love it. It's the best story I've ever heard.

    Jackson Healy: [In the flashback, Healy grabs the shotgun, and hits the guy in the face with it] So I did something about it. I acted. I didn't plan to, I didn't, you know. I just did it. I took that guy out. I didn't even get paid for it. So I ended up with a bullet in the bicep and 500 bucks of hospital bills. It was stupid, really. When I think about it, it was the best day of my life.

    Holland March: [March is asleep on the diving board, snoring] ...

Browse more character quotes from The Nice Guys (2016)