Jerry Quotes in The Benchwarmers (2006)

Gus: Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.

Jerry: What was that?

Gus: Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, really?

Gus: [stands up from chair] Really.

Jerry: Okay, Gus- Gus... Gus Bus! That's you, Gus Bus!

Gus: Oh, that was a brutal comeback. Come on guys, let's go. I don't think I can ever get over that one. Whew!

Davidge: You know something, Jerry? Your great Shismar ain't shit!

Jerry: [angry] Earthman, your Mickey Mouse is one big stupid dope!

[Davidge tries not to laugh]

Davidge: "If one receives evil from another, let one not do evil in return. Rather, let him extend love to the enemy, that love might unite them." I've heard all this before... in the human Taalmaan.

Jerry: Of course you have. Truth is truth.

Davidge: Where would you be without me, huh?

Jerry: Back home.

Davidge: [after Jerry saved Davidge from sand monster] You saved my life. Why?

Jerry: Maybe I need to look at another face... even one as ugly as yours.

Davidge: So you still think humans are ugly?

Jerry: Compared to a Drac? VERY ugly. But that thing out there... is even more ugly than you.

Davidge: [sarcastic] Thank you.

Jerry: [grinning] You... are... welcome.

Jerry: It is not longer my life that matters. I am not fat, I am not lazy. Davidge... I await a new life.

Davidge: A new life? From where?

[Jerry uncovers his abdomen]

Davidge: Oh, my God... Oh, my God, are you telling me you're pregnant?

Jerry: Daaahweeech. There is no... shppoooooooon...

Jerry: [after Davidge shows him his makeshift shelter] Shit

Davidge: Shit? What do you mean its shit?

Jerry: Not Solid

Davidge: Of course its solid... let me show you

[Kicks the inside of the shelter entrance and the whole thing collapses]

Jerry: In your heart, in your soul, you are alone. That is why you separated your sexes, for that brief union.

Jerry: [learning to speak English for the first time] This is my right foot. This is my left foot... and this are both my feet.

Davidge: Yeah great

Jerry: Yeah great. This is my head.

Davidge: That is your ugly head.

Jerry: No, no. This is my head, that... you head, you ugly head.

[Starts to gutterall laugh]

Davidge: [Sarcastically] Ha... Ha

Jerry: That is "Dav-ich" ugly head

Davidge: Alright that's enough! If you keep that up and you can learn English all by yourself because I won't be your teacher anymore!

Jerry: Sorry. Dav-idge

Davidge: That's better.

Jerry: David Berkowitz, Ted Bundy, Richard Speck...

Alice: What about them?

Jerry: Serial killers. Serial killers only have two names. You ever notice that? But lone gunmen assassins, they always have three names. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman...

Alice: John Hinckley. He shot Reagan. He only has two names.

Jerry: Yeah, but he only just shot Reagan. Reagan didn't die. If Reagan had died, I'm pretty sure we probably would all know what John Hinckley's middle name was.

[about lone gunmen having three names each]

Jerry: I just thought of another one: James Earl Ray, the guy who got Luther King. Then of course, there's Sirhan Sirhan. I still haven't figured that one out. Maybe it's Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan, I don't know.

Jerry: I love you.

Alice: Jerry, no, no, you don't love me.

Jerry: Sure I do.

Alice: No, no.

Jerry: I don't?

Jerry: What do we know? If I know what we know then I could tell you what we know and if anyone else knows!

Jerry: It's on the tip of my brain.

Jerry: I'm only paranoid because they want me dead.

Jerry: You can't hurt me any more.

Dr. Jonas: I'll be the judge of that.

Alice Sutton: How did you know this was my car?

Jerry: I didn't. It was just a lucky guess. Look, I feel kinda naked. Could we get outta here?

Alice Sutton: Please don't tell me you're naked back there.

Jerry: No, it's just a figure of speech, could we go? Please?

Alice Sutton: Yeah, OK, OK.

[Communicating through the air ducts]

Alice: Jerry, I'm coming to get you.

Jerry: Alice, Alice, You can fit through there?

[talking through vent]

Alice: Jerry?

Jerry: Alice is that you?

Alice: Yes Jerry.

Jerry: Oh Alice, I'm so sorry that you're dead.

Jerry: GET BACK you damn, dumb, complicit sons of bitches! You're looking for a man with NO NOSE! Not me, not me!

Jerry: That's what they, they start when you're young, y'know. When you're little they, at school they, they Baden-Powell all the boys and they Betty Crocker all the girls and they, then they air condition ya' and put ya' in the Heat N' Bake Oven and ya' can't breathe any more.

Gabriel: Jerry, come here. If you were a soul, where would you hide?

Jerry: The hell away from you.

Gabriel: It's not here.

Jerry: Bad news for the war effort.

Gabriel: Shut up!

Jerry: Never trust a fucking angel.

Jerry: 673 Wongs in the phone book.

Dean: Hmmm. Helluva lotta Wong numbers.

Jerry: And this time I'm going right to the top to get you out. Herbert, are you listening?

Michael 'Reader' Curtin: Sure, Jerry, sure.

Jerry: But if that fails, you'll just have to serve the rest of your term.

Michael 'Reader' Curtin: Jerry, you couldn't get me out of here if I was pardoned.

Jerry: You didn't get shit!

Truck Turner: Just follow the bouncing ball, nigger.

Truck Turner: You hurt?

Jerry: No, I'm indestructible! Hey man, it looks like we get a bonus.

Truck Turner: Yeah.

[the topless blonde storms out of Gator's hideout. Enraged, she stabs Jerry in the shoulder with a pair of scissors. Jerry collapses. Truck jumps off a garage and charges at the blonde, who backs away scared. Truck then knocks her out unconscious]

Truck Turner: Bitch!

Slim: You know the deal, you're here as an observer. You pay attention to the clock. You do not engage in gun play unless it is strictly necessary. We do not depart from the plan in any way.

Jerry: Yeah, whatever you say. Only one thing, does this plan change any if you're dead?

Leroy: I know we're all a little grouchy right now. We'll get something to eat, you'll get the pistol and then we'll go our separate ways.

Samantha: Really separate ways.

Jerry: Don't start, Sam.

Samantha: Shut up. I'll start because I have the right...

Jerry: Why do you do that? Do not tell me to shut up. We had an agreement, remember?

Samantha: Shut up.

Leroy: Why don't we all shut up a bit?

Jerry: I swear to God, I will crash this fucking car right now.

Leroy: Jerry, don't do that.

Jerry: I will. One more word out of you. Another word, Sam. One more word. I swear to fucking God.

Samantha: Naugahyde.

Jerry: All right.

Samantha: Do you have any idea what I have been through these last few days?

Jerry: Oh, Sam, whatever you've been through multiply that by 1000 and you'll have a vague conception of where I'm at.

Samantha: Oh! Oh, isn't that typical, Jerry? It's all a competition. Tit for tat, tat for tit.

Jerry: Stop yelling, for Christ sake! Listen, how are you? Are you ok? Are you all right? Where are you?

Samantha: Toluca airport, Jerry. And things are shitty, really shitty!

Car Thief: If you're going to kill me at least tell me who it is that's going to send me to God. Tell me!

Jerry: Look, I'm not going to kill you. But I am going to have to shoot you.

Car Thief: But why, sir? Why?

Jerry: Why? Why? Because you stole from me and you know about the pistol and you're just gonna steal again and I can't have you coming back in the situation like a fly in the ointment.

Car Thief: No, I won't be a fly! You'll never see me again.

Jerry: Look, you're getting shot and that's it. It will take you time to get to the next town especially if you're limping.

Car Thief: Wait! Wait! What? Limping? Can't you just tie me up some more? I mean, fuck, you shoot me? Tie me!

Jerry: Yeah. I don't have a rope.

Car Thief: So you shoot me?

Jerry: It's the American way.

Jerry: I need a lift in your el truck-o to the next town-o!

Samantha: All right. Jerry, I want you to acknowledge that my needs means nothing to you and you're a selfish prick and a liar.

Jerry: Oh, my God!

Samantha: Jerry, acknowledge.

Jerry: I... Ok. I will acknowledge that I promised to go to Vegas with you. But now we're just slightly delayed. If you want to construe my wanting to stay alive as being selfish, well, then okay. But I have every intention of going with you because your needs are very important to me, sweetheart. Come on. Look at my all my stuff here, all over the pavement. Come on, baby? Huh? What do you say? Ok?

Samantha: I'm going with or without you, Jerry. What's it gonna be? A bastard!

Jerry: A bastard. What happened to, uh, "sweetheart" and "big love" and all those things you called me in the bedroom last night?

Samantha: The only thing I'm interested in calling you, Jerry, is a cab!

Jerry: You're missing the grand design here! If I don't go, I'm dead! Yeah. And it's a little hard to carry on a relationship when I'm stuffed with straw and formaldehyde.

Jerry: I don't know what it takes! I'm new in the fuck you business.

Jerry: Baby, what are you doing?

Samantha: You said this was your last job, Jerry!

Jerry: What do you want me to say? I'm sorry, I can't, the old lady wants me to quit. Fuck off.

Samantha: Yes! Something like that. Like exactly!

Jerry: I'm not in insurance, sweetie!

Jerry: Just one more word Sam, and I'll crash THIS FUCKING CAR!

Jerry: Hola!

Mexican Policeman: Is this your dog?

Jerry: Uh, sort of...

Mexican Policeman: He does have a personality, that cetainly counts for something.

Jerry: Yeah, good guy...

Mexican Policeman: This your car?

Jerry: Yeah, it's a rental... I'm an American.

Mexican Policeman: No shit?

Jerry: Yeah.

Mexican Policeman: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, yeah...

Mexican Policeman: I am a Mexican.

Jerry: [pause and nod] Cool.

Jerry: Oh, Ok, I was under the impression, with Margolese getting out of jail and all, that the last job, was my last job.

Bernie Nayman: You fucked up that job.

Bobby Victory: You fucked up that job, Jerry.

Bernie Nayman: Yeah, this job, will be your last job.

Bernie Nayman: Jerry, You're a fucking moron. Here are your options: Number 1, I roll you up to the neck in a carpet, stuff you into the back of a sedan, and light you on fire with gasoline. You with me? Choice one.

Jerry: Yeah.

Bernie Nayman: Number 2, You like sex and travel? What, you like to have sex, you like to travel? You get you ass on a flight to Mexico. All the ten dollar hookers you can shake your stick at. You pick up a pistol that belongs to Margolese. What's it going to be?

Jerry: "Elllll-Camino!"

Jerry: Yeah..."you're just doing your job..."

Ted: Hey, I do what I have to do, okay?

Jerry: Would you listen to yourself? You sound like Schultz from Hogan's Heroes!

[Imitating]

Jerry: "I know nothing! Nothing!"

Jerry: Could you turn that down? You don't even speak Spanish.

Samantha: Emotion transcends language.

Jerry: The group thinks we're married. I accepted the potato slicer for our anniversary. Right, sweets? I go along.

Samantha: [mad] That's it. That is it. You... You... You go along!

Bernie Nayman: It burns my ass to write you a check every week. That's an issue.

Jerry: I can explain what happened

Bernie Nayman: You say to people "I can explain what happened" when it's a once in a while, blue moon thing.

Bobby Victory: It's every time with you, Jerry.

Bernie Nayman: It's every fucking time.

Robyn Starling: He's alive? My daddy's alive? I've got to go find him, it'll be cold in Tibet, I'm gonna wear a hat.

Jerry: Tibet?

Robyn Starling: That's where my daddy is, that's where I'm going.

Tom: Do you have any idea where Tibet is?

Robyn Starling: No.

[ties up bedsheets]

Jerry: It's way way way out there.

Tom: Over the river.

Jerry: Over the hills, it's past Cleveland.

Robyn Starling: [hands Tom the sheets] Here, Tom, throw this out the window.

Puggsy: What's your names?

Tom: I'm Tom.

Jerry: I'm Jerry.

Tom, Jerry: [look at each other] You talk!

Tom: Well sure I talk, what do you think I am, a dummy?

Jerry: You said it, I didn't.

Tom: Hey, you little pipsqueak, I oughtta - Hey! How come you never spoke before?

Jerry: I didn't have anything I wanted to say that I thought you'd understand, and there still isn't!

Tom: All Right, that does it, you little - Boy you get me angry!

Puggsy: Uh uh uh, it's like I told you, you guys have got to learn to be friends.

Tom: [looking for Jerry after the cabin burnt down] Oh, Jerry, Jerry where are ya? Don't leave me little buddy, you just gotta be here.

[Jerry reveals to the viewers that he is standing behind him on a piece of the cabin]

Tom: What would I do without ya? You were the best pal a guy could ever have! Oh, please be alive! I promise ya... uh... uh...

Jerry: All the cheese I can eat?

Tom: Yeah, all the cheese you can eat.

Jerry: And no more traps?

Tom: No more traps.

Jerry: And no tricks?

Tom: No tricks.

Jerry: That's a promise?

Tom: That's a...

[realizes Jerry is behind him, grabs him]

Tom: Ooh... I'm gonna. Why, you little...!

Robyn Starling: I'm an orphan, my mother died when I was a baby.

Jerry: What about your father? What happened to him?

Robyn Starling: My father was on an expedition climbing in the mountains when the snow gave way in a, a...

Tom: Avalanche?

Robyn Starling: Uh huh, and he was the most wonderful father in the world. He had his own special place just for the two of us, and...

Jerry: And that's where you were going?

Robyn Starling: Uh huh, and to get away from my Aunt Figg. She's not really my aunt, just my guardian, she's taken over the house, she moved my room to the attic and gave my room to her dog, Ferdinand.

Tom: Ferdinand?

Robyn Starling: Aunt Figg was always calling me orphan. She even stole my locket and threw it out the window, but I climbed down and found it...

Jerry: And kept on running.

Robyn Starling: As fast as I could, and I'm never going back.

Puggsy: [in Dr. Applecheek's dog pound] Well well well...

Tom: Puggsy, Frankie!

Jerry: What're you guys doing here?

Puggsy: The stray catchers finally got me, so I ain't perfect all the time.

Frankie da Flea: I've been telling you that for years.

Puggsy: How'd you guys get stuck in a fix like this?

Tom: We met this little orphan girl.

Jerry: Her name's Robyn.

Tom: Only she's not an orphan.

Jerry: Her father's alive!

Tom: Yeah, but she don't know it.

Puggsy: What? What are you guys talking about?

Jerry: Her Aunt Figg got us before we could tell her.

Tom: We've got to bust out of here, the kid's gotta know!

Jerry: Sure, but how?

Puggsy: Somebody's got to get over there and press the buttons on the control panel.

Jerry: You okay, pal?

Tom: Yeah, but don't call me pal.

[first lines]

Jerry: You know what's mortifying? Smack is like the leisure suit of the nineties. Instead of wrecking dad's Buick on prom might, these little suburban fucks are coping habits and OD'ing in the rec room.

Kitty: And you're different, because?

Jerry: I never got to the prom.

Jerry: [Narrating] That's the trouble with surviving, at the end of the day rolling into a PTA potluck dinner or paying the gas bill can be more terrifying than the worst 3AM narcotic hell, but what do I know? I got out with a bad liver and enough debt to keep me in hock until I'm ninety, if I'm still here and with my luck I will be

Dita: Aw, Jerry, you didn't have to do that.

Jerry: No that's all right, I'm Jewish, I never get to do this kind of stuff.

Dita's son: You never had a Christmas tree? Why?

Jerry: I'll be a bum if you don't pull in fifteen bucks in tips tonight. Fifteen bucks. Now that's my definition of a good singer.

Jerry: That was great.

Frank: What happened? I blacked out.

Frank: Jerry, are you a statistics major or something?

Jerry: Actually I am. Minoring in Hebrew science.

Frank: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.

Beanie: Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in.

Jerry: I go to school here...

Beanie: Okay...

Jerry: What sort of actual association will you have with the university?

Mitch Martin: Who are these people?

Frank: I don't know.

Beanie: Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.

[last lines]

Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.

Osgood: Why not?

Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.

Osgood: Doesn't matter.

Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!

Osgood: I don't care.

Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.

Osgood: I forgive you.

Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!

Osgood: We can adopt some.

Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...

[Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]

Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!

Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!

[Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]

Jerry: Have I got things to tell you!

Joe: What happened?

Jerry: I'm engaged.

Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?

Jerry: I am!

[at the booking office, trying to be hired]

Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?

Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.

Jerry: We could pass for that.

Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.

Jerry: We could dye our hair.

Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.

Jerry: We could...

Joe: No, we couldn't!

Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.

Jerry: I'm a boy.

Joe: That's the boy.

Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?

Joe: What engagement present?

Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.

Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!

Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?

Joe: But, you're *not* a girl! You're a *guy*, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?

Jerry: Security!

Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!

Joe: There's another problem.

Jerry: Like what?

Joe: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?

Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.

Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.

Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?

Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!

Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?

Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.

Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!

Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it!

Joe: Done what?

Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!

Jerry: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!

Sugar: Oh, Daphne, how can I ever repay you?

Jerry: Oh, I can think of a million things.

[Sugar gets into bed with him]

Jerry: And that's one of them!

Osgood: Which of these instruments do you play?

Jerry: Bull fiddle!

Osgood: Fascinating! Do you use a bow or do you just pluck it?

Jerry: Most of the time, I *slap* it!

Jerry: We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!

Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened!

Joe: What?

Sugar: Guess.

Joe: They repealed prohibition?

Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that.

Sugar: I met one of them.

Joe: One of whom?

Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht!

Joe: You don't say.

Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!

[Jerry and Joe are in the elevator with Spats and his goons]

Spats' Henchman: Excuse me, ain't I had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before?

Jerry: Oh, no. You must be thinking of two other broads.

Jerry: Oh, why did I let you talk me into this?

Joe: I thought you weren't speaking to me.

Sugar: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there] Well I'll be back later.

Jerry: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute.

Sugar: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing.

Jerry: Yeah, this is one for Ripley.

Sugar: Do you suppose she went shopping?

Jerry: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!

Joe: [to Spats, about the murders they just witnessed] We didn't see anything. Did we?

Jerry: No!

[laughs nervously]

Jerry: Nothing. Besides, it's none of our business if you guys wanna bump each other off, we don't -

[Joe nudges him to shut him up]

Joe: We didn't see anything!

Jerry: We didn't hear anything either!

Jerry: I love you!

Audrey: Thank you

Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...

Audrey: Thank you very much?

Jerry: [pretends to hit Max] One, two three, four,five, and one for good luck!

Fletcher: [to Audrey] He struck the child, did you see that?

Jerry: Hey, great gift dad.

Fletcher: Thanks son. I'm so glad my gift can bring the two of them together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.

Max Reede: Look at what Dad got me!

Jerry: Woah, great! Hey, you know what? I have my glove in the car. Why don't you and I go to the park and play catch. Then we can rub oil in it, and wrap a big rubber band around it! It'll be great!

[to Fletcher]

Jerry: Hey, great gift, Dad!

Fletcher: [to Jerry] Thanks, son!

Max Reede: [shows his baseball glove] Look at what Dad got me.

Jerry: Wow, great. Hey, you know what, I have my glove in the car. Maybe we could stop at the park on the way home and play catch. Then tonight we can rub oil in it and wrap a big rubber band around it. It'll be great.

[to Fletcher]

Jerry: Hey, great gift, Dad.

Fletcher: [sarcastically] Thanks, son.

[to Audrey]

Fletcher: I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together. I plan to phase myself out as almost complete.

[Elliot is trying to prove he isn't gay]

Jerry: [as Lance] Oh, this is just sad!

Elliot Richards: Will you shut up, bitch!

Jerry: [as Lance] And I'm Tony Danza!

Michelangelo: He sings for pleasure, not money.

Jerry: Well, there's a great deal of pleasure in money. You know, you... it's green and crinkly. You can fondle the bills.

Jerry: Don't analyze me, Phyllis, okay? You know, many have tried and all have failed. My brain doesn't fit the usual id-ego-superego model!

Phyllis: No, you have the only brain with three ids.

Jerry: If you're channeling Freud, ask for my money back.

Phyllis: If you'd just relax and stop clenching your fists.

Jerry: I can't unclench when there's turbulence. You know, I am an atheist.

Jerry: In life I have a terrible voice, but when I'm soaping myself under hot water, I sound just like Eartha Kitt.

Hayley: You look strange.

Jerry: Phyllis, I'm having... there's a psychological term for this. I'm having a breakthrough or an epiphany. What is the term for what I'm having?

Phyllis: A death wish.

Jerry: I see New York. I see Vienna Opera House. I see Paris.

Phyllis: All in the shower?

Jerry: Yes. They love it that he sings in the shower. They identify. You know, he's going to be the most popular opera singer in the world.

Phyllis: Certainly the cleanest.

Jerry: Jesus. The kid's a Communist, the father's a mortician. Does the mother run a leper colony?

Giancarlo: Someone dead?

Jerry: No, but it's early.

Jerry: You're born into a family. You do not join them like you do the Marines.

Jerry: Lucy?

Lucy: Yeah?

Jerry: They have *doctors* for this sort of thing!

Jerry: What's this?

Lucy: A wedding invitation.

Jerry: Now wait a second! This is *your* wedding invitation.

Lucy: So?

Jerry: Whom are we marrying?

Lucy: [turns over invitation] Peter Callaghan.

Jerry: The coma guy? Are you insane?

Lucy: Yes, Jerry. I'm insane. I go to work and I sit in a box like a veal. I work every holiday, I go home to a cat and now a rich and handsome man has asked me to marry him and I've said yes. OK. That makes me a total raving lunatic.

Jerry: The wedding is tomorrow!

Lucy: I know it's tomorrow Jerry, but you know what? I even wish it were yesterday. Because that would mean that *today* I would be on my honeymoon, that I would *finally* have a stamp in my passport, and that it would say *Italy* on it.

Jerry: What happened to the other guy?

Lucy: He didn't want me.

Lucy: I'm having an affair. I like Jack.

Jerry: Who's Jack?

Lucy: Peter's brother.

Jerry: So?

Lucy: So he thinks I'm engaged.

Jerry: To who?

Lucy: To Peter.

Jerry: Lucy, I really don't have time for this.

Lucy: No, you have to tell me what to do.

Jerry: Tell the truth.

Lucy: If I tell Jack I lied to his family he will *never* speak to me again. And Ox and Midge and Mary and Saul.

Jerry: Saul? Who's Saul?

Lucy: The next door neighbor. But you know what? Actually, he knows.

Jerry: Lucy, you are born into a family. You do not join them like you do the marines.

Lucy: So what should I do?

Jerry: Pull the plug.

Lucy: You're sick.

Jerry: I'm sick? You're cheating on a vegetable.

Jerry: [at Celeste's party. Jack went along with Lucy, and was mistaken for Peter] Peter?

Lucy: I gotta talk to you.

Jerry: Geez, he looks good.

Lucy: That's not Peter. That's Jack.

Jerry: Uh, who's Jack again?

Lucy: Peter's brother.

Jerry: Peter's the guy that's in a coma.

Lucy: Yeah.

Jerry: So then why did you bring Jack?

Lucy: I didn't bring Jack. He followed me here.

Jerry: So Jack's the fiancé?

Lucy: No, Peter.

Jerry: Peter doesn't even know you exist.

Lucy: I know.

Jerry: So Jack is Peter?

Lucy: Yeah.

Jerry: Lucy!

Lucy: Yeah?

Jerry: They have doctors for this kind of thing!

Jerry: So what's the big deal?

Lucy: What's the big deal? Jerry, they think I'm their future daughter in law. And the grandma has got this heart thing and if I tell them the truth, she's gonna have a heart attack and die and it's gonna be on my head.

Jerry: Well, go along with it and when Peter comes out of the coma the family'll be so happy they won't care that you lied to them. They'll probably even thank you for it.

Lucy: [to hot dog vendor] *Just* Mustard.

[to Jerry]

Lucy: Ok, what if he *doesn't* come out of his coma?

Jerry: Then who's to know?

Lucy: [groans]

Jerry: Listen, Lucy, when I told my mother I was getting married to my wife, her intestines exploded. You tell them the truth now, you may as well shoot grandma.

Ralston: Man, whatever you do, don't stare.

Chris McConnell: Look, I'm not gonna stare, come on.

Jerry: None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring.

Ralston: Then you think, "it's obvious I'm not staring." So you look, and you think, "I'm staring." So you say, "this is ridiculous," and you take a GOOD LOOK. And you think, "I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap."

Chris McConnell: [laughs] Thanks guys, all right.

Ralston: Don't say we didn't warn you.

Diane Barrows: [after Alyssa, as Amanda, was 'adopted' by the Butkises] You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!

Jerry: They had the paperwork!

Diane Barrows: *What* paperwork?

Patty: [hands Diane the paperwork] We couldn't find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?

Diane Barrows: I would have!

[she drops the paperwork]

Diane Barrows: I'm takin' the Jeep!

[she takes the keys to the Jeep]

Jerry: Hey, that's the camp's!

Diane Barrows: [furiously] Oh, don't you even...!

Jerry: [after seeing a car in his living room] Shit on a godamn dick!

Jerry: [in character, shooting Robocop] Anything you say can and will be held against you...in the court of Robocop.

Jerry: How come you never got married Mr. Fletcher?

Elroy Fletcher: Well, the common story is, the girl that you's gon' ask you waited too long to ask. She went on to marry somebody else and then you can't find anybody to compare to her, so what happens?... You get old.

[from trailer]

Jerry: [sung, poorly, to the tune of the Ghostbusters theme song] When you're walkin' down the street...

Jerry: [singing] ... and you see a little ghost...

Jerry: [singing] ... whatcha gonna do about -

[more out of tune]

Jerry: Ghostbusters?

Mike: What? What is that?

Jerry: That's the Ghostbusters theme song.

Mike: No.

Jerry: I'm pretty sure it is.

Jerry: [in character, shooting Robocop] I will shoot you. And I know robot karate!

Jerry: We did it...because we're Ghostbusters!

[gives thumbs up]

Jerry: [in character, shooting Ghostbusters; to a librarian] Have you seen Elvis lately?

Jerry: What's happening to our hood?

Jerry: That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard! That's totally non-sequitary!

Jerry: [Alma is providing the voices for "The Lion King"] Listen to me. I need to you say the line. I need you to say "I will piss on the bones of your ancestors"...

Mike: No, no! That's not in the movie!

Jerry: [interrupts] This is the next Lion King. This is Part II.

Alma: Roar! I will piss on the bones of your ancestors!

Jerry: My brain's been paranized!

Jerry: [while shooting "Driving Miss. Daisy", Alma chases the car with the camera] Who is that hussy chasing after us? Be gone, hussy.

Jerry: So... what do you eat on picnics?

June Wallis: [cutely] Sandwiches.

Jerry: Whoop!

Jerry: Nobody knows what you're doing. Your knee, your ankle, what? Okay, just go to the second syllable... got to the *second* syllable... Would you just move on to the fucking second syllable you stupid cunt?

Jerry: [on Bernie's mood] What's up his ass?

Henry: A bagel.

Jerry: It seems that little Loraine's hit the bottle again.

Mac Elroy: Yah, the peroxide bottle.

Casey: Who's George Michael?

Jerry: Think Adam Lambert but with plastic surgery and success.

Bernard: Youth.

Jerry: The trolls of tomorrow.

Jerry: That was different, but... You've shown me attitude and humor, and now anger, but you've never shown your soul. I just don't see enough to sign you guys.

Jerry: It's a spaceship!

Dave: Yeah. Told you.

Ziggy: Whoa, dude. You mean... you're a beach babe from beyond?

Sola: You bet your ass, dude.

Alan: My dad knows a guy who knows a guy who works for NASA and he says if stare directly at the moon rock, you'll go blind.

Jerry: Aw bullshit.

Ward: Ew, Jerry you distgusting freak, get away from me with all that stuff.

Jerry: Aw, come on Ward. Don't tell me this little nosebleed is bothering you a little.

Ward: Not at much as your ugly face. Why do you get into this stuff anyway?

Jerry: Why do you always look at the crack of a man's ass and think "lunch time"?

Ward: No wonder I loose my appetite when I look at you... sicko. Look at these people. They're miserable.

Jerry: Hey, hey, listen tushy pusher, I love my job. I don't even get paid to be here. In fact, I would pay to be here. So if these people don't like it here, they can just get the fuck out.

Jerry: Hey look, wouldn't you know it? I missed a spot with the blood. Blood boy! Blood boy!

Casey: You know Jerry, there are many ways to express oneself other then saying "more blood, more blood"!

Jerry: Okay, I could express myself a bit more physically by giving you a nice PUNCH in the fucking lungs! How would you like that?

Casey: You shouldn't hit me.

Jerry: Oh, and why is that?

Casey: Well, because...

[Casey suddenly grabs Jerry and throws him against a wall and lifts him by his collar a few feet off the floor]

Casey: You'll be nothing but a bloody heap of quivering pasty white flesh lying on the ground begging for your mama! Would you like that?

Jerry: [terrified] No...

Jerry: Hey Ward, according to these new revisions, Toxie finds out that the chemical company responsible for turning him into the Toxic Avenger was called Junk-O Chemicals.

Ward: No way!

Jerry: Way! It turns out that it was owned by his late father who made this plant which made Toxie sick which is why he commited suicide, and Toxie never even knew it!

Casey: All these revisions... it's absolutely ridiculous.

Jerry: I'm sorry, what?

Casey: We change the script every day. It completely changes everything in the story.

Jerry: Yes. You can do whatever you want to at Troma. It's this shit in which the best chaos emerges.

Casey: How can you like this offensive garbage anyway?

Jerry: Because it is offensive. Sometimes pissing people off is the only reason to get them to look at shit.

[the Mad Cow Boy standing nearby yells 'moo']

Jerry: See? Even Mad Cow Boy agrees.

Old Man Phil: Larry Benjamin was the first director to deal with the subject of AIDS way back in 1985.

Casey: Right, you call having a mindless nymphet getting raped by an evil general with AIDS is dealing with the subject?

Jerry: Right. What's best about it is that you can order that movie and all of Benjamin's older movies on VHS.

Old Man Phil: And on DVD with a director's commentary.

Jerry: Safely and securely on-line or through telephone or mail order.

[the Mad Cow Boy yells 'moo']

Old Man Phil: What's that Mad Cow Boy? You want the Internet address? It's www.Troma.com.

[the caption reading 'http://www.troma.com OR CALL 1-800-83-TROMA' appears on the screen]

Jerry: [applying plaster to Yaeger the naked P.A] Okay, Yaeger one more layer. Great! Now in 10 minutes when it's dry, we'll have a perfect mold of your head. Now, it's very important that you don't move, breath, blink or do anything. Hello? Can you hear me? Give me a signal!

[the naked P.A. flips his middle finger at Jerry and mumbles something incoherently]

Jerry: Okay, great! Gotta go. I'll be back in 10 minutes. Gotta go see a man about a severed leg.

Jerry: Brenda, let me tell you something about pot. When you take it, your taste buds become so physically sensitive that a grapefruit tastes like caviar. Your whole ability to touch to love to see to understand to feel to know is magnified so you could split the universe open like a walnut and know its secrets.

Brenda: Okay, let me have some.

Jerry: I don't have any.

Terri: [after sex] Where are you going?

Jerry: [Bitter] Out. I wanna talk, I wanna chat.

Terri: We can talk. I just don't want something up my ass while we're doing it.

Jerry: [about talking during sex] I'll talk as much as I like.

Terri: Yeah? Well I hope she likes it 'cause you won't be fucking me.

Jerry: [after much prodding by Barry] Ok. The best fuck I ever had. That would be your wife. That was the best fuck I ever had.

Cary: That beats my story.

Jerry: Come on, she told me, that the two of you were together, or whatever, just...

Cheri: That's what I thought. Well look, there's really nothing else I can show you here then. I mean, if you're done looking, right?

Jerry: You know, you could show me why she'd be interested in someone like you.

Cheri: Maybe because I don't say stupid fucking things like that to people.

Jerry: What do these characters all have in common? They all want to... fuck! It's always about fucking.

Jerry: The guy's practically my best friend...

Terri: Oh, don't even fucking use that! Alright? Best friend? That is bullshit! Try saying friend when you're down there lapping between his wife's legs. See how it sounds then.

Jerry, Steve: Hi, Uncle Jon.

Arlene Setters: Jon! My dear little brother, we missed you. So I just thought me and the boys would come up and stay for a while with you and your lovely family.

Jerry: Let's cut the bullshit. We need a place to live, she ran out of alimony.

Steve: And the asshole with the boat ran out on her.

Jerry: [the Hank & Jerry show, on the TV in the limo during a car chase scene] People just don't know how to do chase scenes any more.

Hank: You're right. Now, in Mack Sennett's chase scenes, people actually got killed.

Jerry: That's what I mean. Nobody dies for comedy any more.

Jerry: If I'd a pound for every pint I pissed into the Shannon I'd have retired years ago.

Jerry: Babe, this is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.

Jerry: Just when things were going so well...

Drunken blonde: [of Maria Vargas] She hasn't even got what I've got.

Jerry: What she's got you couldn't spell - and what you've got, you used to have.

Oscar Muldoon: You mean they're throwing punches?

Jerry: Don't be silly - neither one of them has had his hands closed since the day he was born!

Jerry: Welcome to Burger Clown: happy food for happy people!

Jerry: Johnny... Sorry about the table, man. She came in when I wasn't looking, you know. Otherwise I would have saved it for you. You know, you're a regular, we're friends arghh...

John Scardino: It's OK, Jerry. They'e pretty much all alike anyway.

Jerry: Yeah. Two titsand an ass. Right?

John Scardino: I meant the tables!

Tom: Jerry, are you familiar with the expression "Curiosity strangled the cat"?

Jerry: I always thought it was "Curiosity killed the cat".

Tom: God lives in the details, Jerry.

Pete: Jerry, do you think there's a light at the end of this fucking tunnel?

Jerry: [laughing, drunk] Nah, there's a chicken shop, with a drive-thru, and fucking dickhead's ordering "hawaiian" packs.

Jake Bridges: I sold a lot of magazines for you, Jerry.

Jerry: And you still can, I guess. Get yourself a job at a newsstand.

Jerry: [tearfully] Do me a favor... save my life.

Woman on Bridge: [sobbing] Oh, God. For God's sake...

Jerry: Come on, tell me! Why are you not worth it?

Woman on Bridge: [sobbing] Trust me, you wouldn't understand.

Jerry: Are you kidding me? You think I live at the Ritz?

Jerry: You ever been on the street?

Arley: My mom took us pretty close.

Jerry: Well, you can't know. Not until you look at a dumpster. But when you climb into that thing for the first time and you pull those newspapers over you, that's when you know you've messed your life up. Somebody comes along like your son, and gives me a leg up, I'll take it. Even from a kid, I'll take it.

Jerry: [translating for Nell to the court] You have big things. You know big things. But you don't look into each other's eyes. And you're hungry for quietness.

[Jerry plays music making Nell cry]

Paula: Turn that thing off! What the hell do you think you're doin'? She's never heard music before.

Jerry: Hey! Sometimes people just do things! It's called impulse. Try it some time.

Paula: It's called doin' what you want when you want to, and not giving a shit about anybody else! I grew out of it by the age of six!

Jerry: She lives here all alone, huh?

Sheriff Todd Peterson: That's what hermits do, Lowell. They live alone and they die alone.

Jerry: Let's take this one step at a time. Stay here. I'm gonna go back inside.

Sheriff Todd Peterson: Jerry, I can't let you go back in there. We don't even know what that thing is.

Jerry: It's a human being and she's frightened.

Sheriff Todd Peterson: Well, what are you gonna do?

Jerry: Talk to her... if I can.

[Jerry found the Bible with the note from Nell's mom for the stranger to look for her Nell]

Jerry: What kind of deal is this? The first who finds her is supposed to look after her?

Sheriff Todd Peterson: [matter of factly] That means you, Jerry.

Sheriff Todd Peterson: Oh sure. Just what I need.

Sheriff Todd Peterson: [bemused reading from the note] 'The Lord led you here.' There you have it.

Jerry: *You* led me here.

Sheriff Todd Peterson: You want the Lord to take care of her now?

Jerry: The last time I saw the Lord was in church of my wedding and look how *that* turned out.

Paula: We shouldn't be watching this.

Jerry: Why not? I think she's beautiful.

Paula: Mmm-hmmm...

Jerry: You think I'm planning to abuse the doctor-patient relationship.

Paula: Are you?

Jerry: No. Just because I think she's beautiful doesn't mean I want to have sex with her. I mean, I think you're beautiful, but...

Paula: Thanks!

Jerry: No, wait. I didn't mean... I'm sorry...

Paula: It's ok, I'm a big girl!

Paula: To think I was going to be the one to change her life.

Jerry: Me too.

Mary: Don't you know? You were the first.

Paula: The first what?

Mary: To need her.

Jerry: Nothing and everything, it just hits her sometimes.

Janet Baring: Do you reckon he ought to be in the hospital?

Jerry: No, Ma'am. My advice is: don't go near those places, unless they pay you a heap of money. Your father is 87 years old, Janet. Just be there for him.

Janet Baring: Don't worry. I a-gonna go nowhere.

Sheriff Todd Peterson: I guess she's what you'd call a hermit. She talked kinda funny, too. She was kinda like: 'Durr murr muh...'.

Jerry: Only one side of her face was working. You try talking out of one side of your face.

Jerry: Is this for real? No electricity, no phone, no running water.

Jerry: [sees a spindle, impressed] Wow.

[walks up to it and carefully, slowly turns the wheel a bit]

Sheriff Todd Peterson: Well, she's definitely overage. So I guess we need to find her an adult protective service.

Jerry: She doesn't need a social worker. She needs a padded cell. That is one seriously disturbed lady.

Sheriff Todd Peterson: Well, I'm afraid that's gonna be your territory, Jerry.

Jerry: Thanks.

Sheriff Todd Peterson: [reciting the letter] The Lord led you here, stranger.

Paula: [seeing the Sheriff's wife crying] What happened to her?

Jerry: Nothing and everything. It hits her once in a while.

Paula: Is there any obvious cause?

Jerry: You want a list? Life's tough. But she's luckier than some. Got a good husband there.

Paula: [into her mic] She's been completely isolated. Almost certainly mentally retarded. A blood test will pick up childhood disease and any metabolic disorder.

Paula: [to Jerry] Oh, you carry a blood kit?

Jerry: You think she's gonna sit there and let me stick a needle in her?

Paula: [laughing, then matter of factly] I'll hold her.

[Paula takes off her jacket]

[discussing what is going to happen to Nell, supposing she needs someone to look after her]

Dr. Paley: Who's gonna look after her? You?

Jerry: [disgusted] Me? Why me?

[Jerry ringing the bell of Paula's boat]

Paula: Hey.

Jerry: You sure can make it, roughin' it like this? I don't see an air conditioning unit. You ok about breathing raw air?

[Paula knocks on a box on the ceilling]

Jerry: Oh.

Jerry: I've got someone to cover for me. Everybody's replaceable.

Jerry: I like it here. It's a quiet place. You've got the right idea, Nell. You live with people, you get problems. First they screw you up, then they leave you, right?

Paula: What is it with you and Nell?

Jerry: It's like... there's no one else in the world. Like she doesn't need anybody. Can you live your whole life that way, or does it drive you crazy in the end?

Jerry: 'Missa' - little. 'Erna' - big.

Paula: Tata?

Jerry: 'Tata'. Potalto. Just kidding. Frightened. 'Tata' - frightened. 'T'ee' - tree.

Paula: All the research shows that children who perceive their parents enjoying a good sex-life grow up to have far better sexual relationships themselves.

Jerry: Is that so?

Paula: Yea, that's so.

Flipper Purify: Mine! Mine! Mine!

Jerry: Ego! Ego! Ego!

Jerry: [on tv show] Stats, records, rankings, weather, if the goal post is tilted just a little bit, the Sykes system uses forty two proven indexes, to eliminate the guess work in sports wagering, without my patented computer based picks, you've got a better shot of having God showing up at your door,with nine strippers a bag of pure Bolivan cocaine even viagra to make Chuck's head blow up, than picking these things on your own.

Jerry: [on the set of Walter's television show] I think I should lead off tonight I got some real strong stuff man

Walter Abrams: You got a good hole, stay in it

Jerry: Come on I went eight for twelve last week I'm hot I'm feeling it

Walter Abrams: You have one good weekend don't get pushy

Jerry: One good weekend? Sykes System revolutionized this industry am I wood?

[Shows a newspaper ad about Brandon]

Jerry: where's my fucking ad?

Walter Abrams: [Grabs the newspaper out of Jerry's hand and slams it down on the table] take a hike

Jerry: What?

Walter Abrams: You're fired you're gone

Jerry: I'm not fired you need me more than ever

Walter Abrams: Get out of here you cut rate parasite

Jerry: [Bursts into Brandon's office] Do you think New York will win this weekend?

Brandon Lang: [sarcastically] A knock would be nice

Jerry: I'm kind of underwater here, a "yes" or "no" would be great

Brandon Lang: No I don't

Jerry: well, If you know something or if you hear anything you've got to let me know because that's the way we work around here

Brandon Lang: [sarcastically] I'll rush right over, stat

Jerry: I've been working here for six years and you've been here for one

Walter Abrams: [Walter walks into the office, to Jerry] what are you doing in here? Hit the phones and do some damage control rewrite that computer program of yours

Jerry: What can I say? It was a fucked weekend

Walter Abrams: [to Brandon] There's a "fifty dime" bettor on line three and wants to talk to John Anthony

Brandon Lang: What's his name?

Walter Abrams: His name is McCall his a gazillionaire he owns a couple dozen of McDonald franchise restaurants

Jerry: Wait a minute. I landed that lead his my guy

Walter Abrams: "Was" your guy

Jerry: [Referring to Brandon] He's raiding my lists now?

Walter Abrams: Your clients are jumping ship you lactose-intolerant fuck, get out of my sight

Jerry: [Celebrating Brandon after he won one hundred percent for the games he predicted that weekend] Congratulations Brandon or should I say "John"? Either way it's amazing I'm very impressed, letting salesmen make your picks? That's balls.

Brandon Lang: You better collect some of the winnings right now because the way you're picking you're going to need some for a rainy day.

Jerry: Enjoy it while it lasts, gambling gods, fickle bunch their so easily offended.

Charlotte: Jerry, Dr. Jaquith knows about us. When he said I could take Tina, he said "You're on probation." Do you know what that means? It means that I'm on probation because of you and me. He allowed this visit as a test. If I can't stand such a test, I'll lose Tina and we'll lose each other. Jerry, please help me.

Jerry: Shall we just have a cigarette on it?

Charlotte: Yes.

Jerry: May I sometimes come here?

Charlotte: Whenever you like. It's your home, too. There are people here who love you.

Jerry: And look at you and Tina, and share with you peace and contentment.

Charlotte: Of course. And just think, it won't be for this time only. That is, if you will help me keep what we have. If we both try hard to protect that little strip of territory that's ours. We can talk about your child...

Jerry: *Our* child.

Charlotte: Thank you.

Jerry: And will you be happy, Charlotte?

Charlotte: Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars.

Jerry: If I were free, there would be only one thing I'd want to do - prove you're not immune to happiness. Would you want me to prove it, Charlotte? Tell me you would. Then I'll go. Why, darling, you are crying.

Charlotte: I'm such a fool, such an old fool. These are only tears of gratitude - an old maid's gratitude for the crumbs offered.

Jerry: Don't talk like that.

Charlotte: You see, no one ever called me "darling" before.

Jerry: Are you one of the Vales of Boston?

Charlotte: One of the lesser ones.

Jerry: Is it Miss, or Mrs.?

Charlotte: It's Aunt.

Tina Durrance: [to Jerry] Do you like me?

Jerry: [looking at Charlotte] I love you.

Charlotte Vale: Thanks to you. Oh, so many, many thanks to you.

Jerry: For what?

Charlotte Vale: Oh, for walking my legs off sight-seeing, and for lunch and for shopping and, for a few moments today when I actually felt alive.

Jerry: You're like Romeo without Juliet, Cleopatra without...the right shoes.

Jerry: So, ready to join the team?

Henry: No thanks, I'm not that athletic.

Jerry: Okay, first of all, rule number one? We don't grab Versache, we coach it.

Jerry: Oh, so what's Foster now, Amish? How nice for him. Someday he'll be able to grow a beard and it'll all make sense.

Jerry: That's the last goddamn hitchhiker I ever pick up.

Jerry: Hi, Mister. Would you fill 'er up, please?

Old Man: I got no gas.

Franklin: What? You're all out of gas?

Old Man: My tank's empty! Transport woun't be here until late this afteroon. Mayby not even 'til tomorrow morning.

Franklin: Hey, do you know where the old Franklin place is?

Old Man: The old Franklin place?

Franklin: Yeah, it's an old two-story rock house that sitting up on a hill. I thought it might be back on that road someplace, but I'm not really sure.

Old Man: Uh... yeah, maybe I've seen something like that up that way. Well now look, you boys don't want to go messin' around some old house. Those things is dangerous. You're liable to get hurt.

Kirk: We'll be careful.

Old Man: No, seriously. You don't want to go fooling around other folks' property. If some folks don't like it... they don't mind showing you.

Sally: [when they arrive at the old house, upon seeing its condition] Oh, I wish they hadn't let the place fall apart.

Jerry: Now it looks like the birthplace of Bela Lugosi.

Pam: Hey, listen to Franklin's horoscope. "Travel in the country, long-range plans, and upsetting persons around you, could make this a disturbing and unpredictiable day. The events in the world are not doing much either to cheer one up."

Jerry: That's just perfect. And now read Sally's.

Pam: [reading from the American Astrology book] Oh, no. Capricorn's ruled by Saturn. "There are moments when we cannot believe that what is happening is really true. Pinch yourself and you may find out that it is."

Jerry: Come on, guys; quit goofing on me.

Jerry: Have you been doing those Reader's Digest 'Word-Power' columns again?

Lewis Denton: Hey! Put the fucking bat down.

Jerry: What?

Lewis Denton: You almost clocked Mya in the head.

[Jerry laughs and continues to swing the bat]

Lewis Denton: Put the fucking bat down now.

Jerry: Dude, it's not hurting anybody.

Rod: Just put the bat down.

Jerry: No, man. I can't watch the game, I'm going to swing the bat, alright?

Lewis Denton: [grabbing the bat] I told you to put it down. Sit.

Jerry: What's the matter with you?

Lewis Denton: You could hurt somebody.

Jerry: Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it.

Lewis Denton: You almost fucking killed my wife. Sit down.

Jerry: Dude, what is wrong with you?

Lewis Denton: You almost fucked my wife!

Jerry: Atlantis shall rise again! I am the super zodiac!

[Panic and Jerry get in a fighting match]

Jerry: [Jerry jumps on top of Panic with a knife] Squeal and die!

[the two fight as Panic gets on top of Jerry]

Panic: [Panic begins to repeatedly punch Jerry in the face] I'll fuckin' kill you! You gonna skin me? Fuck you! Come on! Come on! You fuck! You country fuck!

[Jerry asks Charles Danson about the kids]

Jerry: These all your kids?

[Jerry and Sir laugh repeatedly while walking out of the campsite]

Panic: I knew I should've brought a piece, man.

[Sir and Jerry arrive at the cabin with the kids, surrounded by ticks outside]

Sir: Uh... What seems to be the problem over here?

Charles Danson: [Sir looks at the hallucinating Dee Dee] She was bitten by one of those bugs.

Jerry: Yeah.

Jerry: [Jerry chuckles] They bite like a son of a bitch.

[Sir threatens Mrs. Lambert and Charles Danson to give him the keys]

Sir: If I don't have the keys to the van in my hand, like, pronto. I'm going to feed you folks, one by one, to our hungry friends outside.

Jerry: [Jerry chuckles] Say, 'Yes, Sir. It's dinnertime!'

[Sir and Jerry chuckle together]

[Jerry attempts to go for the van surrounded by the ticks outside]

Jerry: [Jerry turns around to tell Sir at the cabin door] Help me, Sir. Don't make me do this.

Sir: [Sir kicks Jerry in the back, screaming] Get the van!

[Jerry pulls the knife out of his leg that Panic stabs him with]

Jerry: [Jerry starts to chuckle] I'm gonna carve you a new one boy!

[Jerry see's all of the crop cash weed getting burned up in the field]

Jerry: Our weed! It's gettin' all burned up!

Sir: Forget about it!

Jerry: [Sir pulls Jerry as he screams] The weed! The weed!

Jerry: Her mother doesn't like anything, especially me.

Harold: Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?

Jerry: A job! Be a little discreet about that, will you, Harold? Somebody's liable to hear you.

Harold: Well, you gotta do something, you know?

Jerry: Why? The world's here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold, it makes you feel depressed.

Harold: So instead of being in that state of depression, why don't we head out, okay?

Jerry: Swing it!

Jerry: How's college?

Madison: Fine.

[pauses]

Madison: You should try it sometime

Jerry: No thanks.

[chuckling]

Jerry: The world's my college.

John: Now, even the doggy-doggies used to come to Lazarus to lick his open running sores...

Jerry: [making a face] Blecch!

John: Sorry.

Gilmer: [as Abraham, with a Brooklyn accent] Remember my child, that all the good things fell ta you when you were on Earth, and all the bad things fell to Lois.

Jerry: [as Lazarus] Lazarus.

Gilmer: [as Abraham] Abraham! Glad ta know ya!

Lynne: Master...

[Lynne climbs down from a stage and rushes to Jesus. Gilmer, Robin, Joanne, Jeffrey, Merrell, Jerry and Katie follow]

Lynne: Master! Blessed are the poor in Spirit...

Jesus: For theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Gilmer: Blessed are they who mourn...

Jesus: For they shall be comforted.

Robin: Blessed are the meek...

Jesus: For they shall inherit the Earth.

Joanne: Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice...

Jesus: For the shall be filled.

Jeffrey: Blessed are the merciful...

Jesus: For they shall have mercy.

Merrell: Blessed are the pure in heart...

Jesus: For they shall see God.

Jerry: Blessed are the peace-makers...

Jesus: For they shall be called the children of God.

Katie: Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake...

Jesus: For theirs is the Kingdom of *heaven*!

[the others applaud]

Judas: [shouting from the distant stage] Blessed are ye... When men shall persecute you and revile you... and say all manner of evil against you...

[pauses then calms down]

Judas: falsely.

Jesus: Love your enemies and pray for your persecutors.

Jerry: You don't mean...

[he jerks his head at Lynne, who has him by the shirt front]

Jesus: I do.

Jerry: You do?

[to Lynne]

Jerry: I love you.

[she kisses him]

Gilmer: [in a southern accent] Well, the other servants were deeply distressed when they saw what had happened. Are you sitting down? They ran and told their master the whole story, mm-hmm.

Robin: DAAAAH!

Gilmer: Accordingly he sent for the man.

Robin: You scoundrel!

Gilmer: He said to him!

Robin: I remitted the whole of your debt when you appealed unto me. Were you not bound to show your fellow servant the same pity I showed to you?

Jerry: And so angry was the master that he condemned the man to torture, until he could pay the debt in full.

Jesus: And that is how my Heavenly Father will deal with you, unless you forgive your brothers from you hearts.

Jerry: [repeated line during the "Prodigal Son" story while watching a silent film of Tom Mix wrestling a bull through a society mansion] I said "Kill it!"!

Betty: I know about this house - it's haunted. I read about it in the Sunday Magazine section.

Jerry: You did *what*?

Jerry: [slight pause] Well, somebody read it to me... but I know it's haunted.

[Jerry had been the only man on an island populated by women.]

Jerry: It was one of the Virgin Islands, but it drifted.

Jerry: Oh, Junior would you accompain this young lady?

Tony Romano: Anytime, anyplace and anywhere!

Mike: Just a second, he means on the guitar!

Tony Romano: Oh, well. It will still be a pleasure.

Jerry: I am not a lesbian.

Guy Stone: Yes, and Agnes Moorhead is just a tomboy.

Victor: In here, ma'am.

Jerry: You know I hate it when you call me that.

Victor: I find it a bit of a stretch myself.

Saul Ornstein: [reading a newspaper:] Yuval Reissman died; that's too bad.

Jerry: [tsk-ing:] You always go straight for the obituaries.

Saul Ornstein: That's the only part of the trades I can read without getting jealous.

Jerry: [picks up phone, knows that it's Guy calling again:] You CAN'T get out of the marriage.

Guy Stone: Jerry! She is destroying my house, Jerry. She's giving away my things and she's always hovering with a tray of this God-awful lemonade.

Jerry: Your "Ben-Hur" contract stipulates TWELVE MONTHS of matrimony.

Guy Stone: I'm not going to make it Jerry. Where we're at home... she takes advantage.

Jerry: What? You slept with her? What was it like?

Guy Stone: Terrible! She's a total "bottom."

Guard: I understand you're having a hard time making a decision.

Patty: How would you know that?

Wenda: You know, the medic at the hospital seemed to know an awful lot about us, also.

Guard: Some of your friends are kind of concerned about your future. I think maybe you should hear what they have to say.

[Sandy, Jerry and Diane approach them. They notice that Sandy has a mark on her right hand]

Guard: .

Patty: Sandy!

Wenda: Oh, Sandy!

Patty: You're a Christian!

Sandy: Oh, Patty. Anyone can say they're a Christian.

Patty: But I thought that Jonathon...

Diane: Jonathon was one of us, but he had nothing to do with the trap that Sandy set for you.

Wenda: Sandy, why didn't you stay with us all day?

Jerry: She was trying to keep those fanatics from encouraging you into making a foolish decision.

Diane: Yeah. Actually, it's simple. You can lose your head

[glances at the guillotine]

Diane: , or you can go free. To work, to buy, to eat. To live a normal life, just like before.

Jerry: If those theological authorities are such authorities, how come they didn't go up with the rest? That's what blows holes in this theory that only the Christians went. How come there're still so many religious people here?

Patty: Maybe they didn't believe in UFOs.

Sandy: Well just because you have an understanding of the Bible in your head, doesn't necessarily mean you have Jesus in your heart.

Ben Carter: You're a smart girl. Are you playin' me for a sucker, or do you wnt a cut in?

Jerry: No, the only way you can cut me in... see that Curly Bill takes care of Earp.

Ben Carter: Oh, you don't like him either?

Jerry: [Emphatically] No, I don't like him either. The happiest day of my life will be when I can sit on hiscoffin.