Wayne Quotes in The Benchwarmers (2006)

Wayne: Is that beer?

Carlos: [stumbling] No it's Gatorade homie, get out of my way.

Gus: [upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?

Wayne: Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.

Carlos: Me tummy, es sicko.

Umpire: Well you got proof he's a kid?

Gus: Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.

Wayne: Not according to birth certifico.

[hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]

Umpire: [looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!

Howie: I used to think the sun was evil but now I know it's not.

Wayne: How's the moon treating you.

Howie: Not a fan.

Howie: What's going all the way?

Wayne: [whispers in Howie's ear]

Howie: Oh.

[squeezes suntan lotion and screams]

Howie: Aaaaaah!

Carlos: No really, I need another refill.

Wayne: You need to go to an AA meeting.

Wayne: Carlos your drunk!

Carlos: [Carlos throws up] Blaaaaaa!

Wayne: Okay, our enemy is wicked, so...

J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

Wayne: Damien.

J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.

Wayne: No! She is the Emperor!

J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits!

Wayne: Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl.

J.D.: Ah, yeah.

Wayne: She's a sweetheart.

J.D.: Dude, a saint.

Wayne: A goddess.

J.D.: A princess.

Wayne: 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.

J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.

Wayne: Dude!

J.D.: Dude!

Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door?

J.D.: I'm eatin'.

Wayne: So?

J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.

Wayne: Since when?

J.D.: Since always.

Wayne: I never knew that.

J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.

Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me?

J.D.: I got three balls.

Wayne: Shut up! God!

J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!

Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.

Judith: That's right.

Wayne: I'm in a related field.

Judith: Really? What is it?

Wayne: Pest and rodent removal.

Judith: How is that related?

Wayne: We both help people.

[Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren]

Wayne: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants.

J.D.: I thought his ass looked tighter!

Coach Norton: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?

Wayne: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said.

Coach Norton: Good. How'd ya do it?

Wayne: We, um...

J.D.: Ate her...

Coach Norton: You ate her?

Wayne: Yeah, we ate her.

J.D.: Alive.

Coach Norton: My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.

Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.

Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls.

Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.

J.D.: Fuck you, replacement-friends!

Wayne: Eat this, Fake Wayne!

J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,

[making obscene gestures with his hands]

J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!

Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk.

J.D.: They do when they're off duty.

Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?

Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining

J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?

[after Wayne, Sandy, and Neil Diamond crashed and ruined Judith's wedding by getting Darren back with Sandy, Judith becomes enraged with anger by walking towards Wayne and smacks him with a chair]

Judith: [screaming] YOU RUINED MY LIFE!

Wayne: [Judith pulls Wayne's legs] Ah! But I saved Darren's!

Judith: Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough to hook up with YOU!

[Wayne yells and screams while throwing Judith to the aisle]

Wayne: Hey! Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me you liked it?

Judith: Yeah, you're right. I have a weakness for incompotent morons.

[Judith smacks Wayne in the mouth and one of his teeth come out his lips. Then Wayne does the same thing and Judith spits out the loose tooth]

Wayne: [choking each other] Admit it! Aah! I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need and you're the hardcore bitch I've always dreamed of!

Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused.

J.D.: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me?

Wayne: NO!

Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.

Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool.

J.D.: It's true!

[in the R-rated version]

Wayne: [in the R-rated version] I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse

J.D.: It's true!

[Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F']

Wayne: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.

[shows the fun levels large decline]

Wayne: [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B']

Wayne: Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.

[Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart]

Wayne: Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!

[Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart]

Wayne: This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!

J.D.: I'm chafing.

Wayne: Dude, you don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.

Coach Norton: [Watches a live feed of Judith locked up in the garage on the TV] What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show or something?

Wayne: [Nervously] Yeah.

Coach Norton: Wait a minute, that's the kidnap victim, ain't it? You didn't kill her.

Wayne: No, coach.

Coach Norton: I'm real disappointing in you boys. Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze.

Wayne: We can't, coach.

Coach Norton: [Notices Judith untying herself from the chair] FOR PETE'S SAKE! She's getting out! Go chop her head off or something!

Coach Norton: [J.D. and Wayne don't budge] There's no fight left in you! You're nutless! You've been pussified! Don't worry about a thing boys I'll take care of that broad.

[after seeing a hot woman in a bar]

Wayne: Carpe poon, man.

J.D.: Judith escaped.

Wayne: ...Dehrrrrrrrr.

Wayne: [when Darren is mourning] You promised Sandy you'd be there. You gave her your word.

Darren: I didn't even talk to her.

Wayne: O.K. I gave her your word.

Darren: Come on Wayne. When are you gonna forget about the idea that i'll go out with Sandy?

Wayne: When you go out with Sandy.

Coach Norton: What is it that I always said?

J.D., Wayne: If you can dream it, you can do it.

Coach Norton: Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.

[In the garage of his house, Wayne is chaining up Judith after she escaped]

Wayne: [Finishes] There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this...

[pulls out a Catcher's mask]

Wayne: this...

[puts the mask on Judith's face]

Wayne: this should keep you from biting.

Judith: How am I gonna eat?

Wayne: I've thought of that.

[Wayne shows Judith a jar filled with breakfast mash and a straw]

Judith: What is that?

Wayne: It's breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, uh, hash brown, pop tart, pureed.

Judith: [disgusted] I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana.

Wayne: A what?

Judith: A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.

Wayne: No, I'm not gonna get you one. If you don't wanna eat what I've made for you, then you can starve.

Judith: [freaks out] Why are you doing this?

Wayne: It's the only way to save our friendship.

Judith: [calms down] It doesn't seem like a friendship to me. It seems like you're in love with Darren.

Wayne: Bullshit!

[chuckles]

Wayne: I am so un-gay.

Judith: Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that you're straight. When the last time you've got any?

Wayne: That's none of your business.

Judith: So it's been years?

Wayne: I'm waiting for the right woman.

Judith: There is no right woman for you, Wayne. If my guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her and she's either killed herself or become a lesbian.

Wayne: [yells] Up yours!

Judith: Go to hell!

Wayne: Skank!

Judith: Eunuch!

Wayne: [screams] Stealer... of my FRIEND!

Charles McCulloch: Senior predictions started five minutes ago and Rennie isn't there.

Wayne: Maybe some of us don't want our futures predicted.

Charles McCulloch: In your case, I'm sure that's true.

J.J.: Oh, man. Don't tell me you're still trying to scam on Tamara. How long have we known each other? Don't be a dweeb, Wayne. She's not interested in you, only what you can do for her. She is a user.

Wayne: She's sexy.

J.J.: So, what? So is this guitar.

Julius: I was able to find some shit from the halls and game room. Go ahead, take what you want.

[everyone takes something but Julius]

Wayne: Well, what are you gonna take, Julius?

Julius: Nothing...

[everyone glares]

Julius: ...but this gun.

Wayne: You think I'm just some guy from Fresno who tinkered with crack pot ideas in his attic? Well let me tell you something, this country was built on the shoulders of people who tinkered with crack pot ideas in their attics, basements and backyards. Alexander Graham Bell worked in a two room flat!

Clifford Sterling: Young man, don't presume to stand there and lecture me about great minds and great inventors. In all my years I've never worked with anyone who is a fool and I don't intend to start now. So, Charles, you're fired.

Dr. Charles Hendrickson: What?

Clifford Sterling: You're fired! So, Szalinski, what is your plan to get your kid back to normal by bed time?

Wayne: Oh no. Honey, I shrunk the kids.

Diane: I don't understand any of this.

Wayne: Around every electrical operating device, there's a flux. Like an electromagnetic force field.

Clifford Sterling: That's what's causing the baby to grow.

Marshall Brooks: Would this electromagnetic... would it surround neon lights too?

Wayne: Yeah, why?

Marshall Brooks: Your kid. He's heading toward Las Vegas.

Diane, Wayne, Clifford Sterling: Uh-oh.

Wayne: Mr. Sterling, sir, I can return my son back to normal!

Clifford Sterling: You can?

Dr. Charles Hendrickson: With what, Szalinski? Coca Cola bottles? Perhaps some chewing gum and twine?

Diane: Just who do you think you are talking to him like that?

Wayne: Diane, let me handle this. Who do you think you are talking to me like that?

Wayne: I blew up the baby!

[Diane faints]

Adam: Mama fall down! Mama!

Nick: [appears from behind Adam] How'd she take it?

Wayne: About like usual.

Adam: Mama sleeping?

Wayne: We're his parents, we'll handle this. Diane, how do we handle this?

Diane: Just who do you think you are talking to him like that?

Wayne: Diane, let me handle this. Who do you think you are talking to me like that?

Nick: Dad, were you ever popular in school?

Wayne: You bet. I was president of the astronomy club three years in a row. We were happenin' guys.

Diane: Why are you closing the shutters?

Wayne: So one of the neighbors doesn't look in, see a 7 foot baby, and call the National Enquirer.

Adam Szalinski: [hears the doorbell ringing] Doorbell!

Diane: Who's that?

Wayne: One of the neighbors.

Diane: [sarcastically] So far your plan has been working perfectly.

[after Wayne finds Nick and Mandy in the shrunken car]

Wayne: Found them. I think we'd better give them a while though.

Wayne: School's gonna be closing in about fifteen minutes.

Toby: Wayne, this is really hard. Do you think you could give me a hand?

Wayne: Sure - what subject?

Toby: [Toby stands, pushes down his surfer shorts] Sex education.

Matt Douglas: [after Wayne gives a confused, inaccurate depiction of what he thinks Mt. Rushmore will be like] You've gotta' be kidding, right, Wayne? You've got Lincoln mixed up with George Washington, and you've got the Roosevelts mixed up with Davy Crockett. Do you have *any* idea what you're talking about?

Wayne: Uh, no disrespect, sir, but you're in my car.

Matt Douglas: Well, you're in my country - *our* country. Get your facts straight! How do you expect your son to respect the nation's history if *you* don't? That kind of ignorance is dangerous!

Wayne: Forget our nation's history... what about our nation right now? The country's fallin' apart, people losin' their homes. They can't find work. You talk about ignorance, *you're* the ignorant ones, both of you. Why, you've... you've ignored the voice of the people!

Russell Kramer: [Slightly incredulous] Oh, the "voice of the people"? There is no such thing! You've got 240 million voices all yellin' for something different. The only thing you all seem to agree on is you don't want higher taxes. "The voice of the people" my fanny!

Genny: Pull over, Wayne.

Wayne: I'm not ashamed to say it, I've slept with both those guys.

[examining a huge dinosaur egg]

Wayne: My God, think of the cholesterol!

Wayne: What? Now there's no sheep in the road. Let's go.

Murray: That was pretty sick, man.

Wayne: You eat lamb chops, it's the same thing.

Wayne: Yeah it's a mess back there.

[from trailer]

Frankenstein: We're gonna need more time. Uh-oh.

[the tower falls down, explodes, then Frank is on fire, and runs around crazy, destroying every camp cabin]

Frankenstein: FIRE!

Griffin: Frank, calm down!

Murray: Stop, drop and roll!

Frankenstein: FIRE!

Wayne: Frank, no!

Murray: Stop, drop and roll!

Wayne: Frank, slow down!

Frankenstein: FIRE!

Wayne: Frank, wait!

[Camp kids takes out marshmallows on sticks, cheer and start coming to the fire to roast them]

Murray: Dennis!

Dracula: Dennisavich

Mavis: He's not in his room.

Wayne: He's not by the pool

Frankenstein: [Drinks an entire bowl of soup] He's not in this pot of soup.

Wayne: What's wrong with you?

Scott: That's what I've been trying to find out for the last three weeks, Wayne! What is wrong with me? What is so wrong with the way I dance?

Wayne: What the hell was that all about?

Shirley Hastings: What?

Wayne: You know, with Fran?

Shirley Hastings: [uneasy laugh] Fran... Fran...

Tina Sparkle: Fran? Wasn't she the girl that um...?

Shirley Hastings: [laughs] Well, here we all are!

[Scott approaches the group]

Scott: Where is she?

Shirley Hastings: Who?

Scott: Fran.

Shirley Hastings: Fran... Fran... Fran... who?

Tina Sparkle: You know, the girl that fell.

Shirley Hastings: Oh, she went home, darling. Don't worry about her!

Garth: Wayne, we don't wanna end the movie this way, do we?

Wayne: Good call. Let's do the "Thelma and Louise" ending!

Wayne: Garth, it's Heather Locklear. And she's signaling to us! There is a god!

Garth: Heather be thy name.

Wayne, Garth: Scwiiiiiiiiing!

Wayne: Here we are, at Piccadilly Circus!

Garth: Wow, what a shitty circus.

Wayne: Good call. There's no animals or clowns! What a ripoff!

Wayne: [enters gas station] Where's the First Presbyterian Church on Gordon Street?

Bad Actor: Uh...

Wayne: Gordon Street, Gordon Street!

Bad Actor: Uh, Gordon Street! Oh yeah, Gordon Street! Uh, I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. But that was a long time ago. When I was young.

Wayne: [looks at camera] Do we have to put up with this? I mean, can't we get a better actor? I know it's a small part, but I think we can do better than this.

[person from set crew comes in and replaces actor with another one]

Good Actor: Gordon Street? Ah, yes, Gordon Street. I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. Long time ago, when I was a young man. Not a day passes I don't think her and the promise that I made which I will always keep. That one perfect day on Gordon Street. That's uh, five blocks up, two over.

Wayne: [choking back tears] Thank you.

[jumps in car and drives away]

Wayne: Okay, you've probably already noticed by now that we're on a little early tonight.

Garth: Usually at this time on Aurora cable, you're watching "Plant World".

Wayne: But they didn't want our 10:30 time slot. But we were able to talk "Plant World" into changing with "Cooking World".

Garth: Although they didn't want to change at first.

Wayne: But fortunately, "White Supremacy World" was cancelled, and all the trades worked out

Wayne: You're worthless! You're less than nothing! What's keeping you here? You don't belong here! Why don't you just quit?

Milton: Cause I've got no place else to go!

Wayne: Who are you?

Jim: I'm Jim Morrison.

Wayne: And who's he?

Jim: A weird naked indian.

Wayne: [trying to avoid mentioning Jerry Segel's albino right-eye] We'll just take these home, run them over with a fine tooth comb, cross the "t"s and dot the... lower case "j"s.

Concert Nerd #1: Aren't you those two guys from that TV show, Wayne's World?

Wayne: No.

Concert Nerd #2: Well, you guys sure look like them.

Garth: Look, if Wayne says we're not, we're not, okay?

Jerry Segel: What? Is something wrong?

Wayne: What do you mean?

Jerry Segel: It's my eye, isn't it.

Garth: Why would we want to look at your eye? Is there something wrong with that... weird... eye?

Jerry Segel: There's nothing wrong with my eye. This one just has no pigment. I'm what you call a partial ocular albino, but I'm fine with it. I have perfect 20/20 vision with both eyes. You're serious about putting on a rock concert?

Wayne: Are you kidding? I'd give my right eye.

Jerry Segel: You realise there are certain jurisdictions you'll need to follow.

Garth: I'd like to think I have an eye for details.

Wayne: Jim, why was I supposed to put on this concert?

Jim: Because you had to learn that it doesn't matter what you do, Cassandra loves you for who you are and that, being an adult means facing resposibility yet still taking the time to have fun.

Wayne: Right, its like coming home on Friday night and doing your homework right away so that your Saturday night is free to just party.

Jim: No I like the way I said it better.

Wayne: OK.

Cassandra: Wait, let me show you what I got at a garage sale.

Wayne: What'cha got?

Cassandra: Isn't that great? You've heard it?

Wayne: Exqueese me? Have I seen this one before? "Frampton Comes Alive"? Everybody in the world has Frampton Comes Alive. If you lived in the suburbs you were issued it. It came in the mail with samples of "Tide".

Cassandra: Look at this old one. Gerry and the Pacemakers.

Wayne: Wow. That is old. You know, I bet those guys actually have pacemakers by now.

Wayne: Excuse me, what are you guys doing here in the middle of the street?

Chicken-man: Well, I'm putting these chickens in crates, and stacking them right here. Jim's job is to make sure we always have plenty of watermelons.

Wayne: Oh, so you're selling watermelons.

Jim: No, no sir. We just have to make sure we have plenty of them stacked at all times, just like with these here chickens.

Garth: What do these guys do?

Chicken-man: Well, their job is to walk back and forth with this big plate-glass window every couple of minutes.

Garth: Weird.

Wayne: Yeah, you've got to wonder if this is gonna pay off later on.

Wayne: Where are you going?

Garth: Mikitas. Aren't you coming?

Wayne: No, I'll just embarrass you. I'll just stay here and lick the cat's butt.

Garth: Okay.

Cassandra: You know, I haven't seen Garth in a while. What's he up to?

Wayne: Oh, Garth's doing his laundry.

Cassandra: Too bad he doesn't have a girlfriend to do HIS laundry.

Wayne: Oh yeah; thanks for doing my laundry. Hey Cassandra, how do you get my clothes so white and fresh-smelling?

Cassandra: It's an age-old Cantonese family method that very few people know about.

Wayne: Ahh... Wait a minute... Calgon? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

Milton: I hate my father. I hate my life. But I feel great! You guys are great. I'm gonna go pick a fight.

Wayne: He's gotten a lot better.

Garth: Way better.

Wayne: Oh! Come on! Do you think I'm a gulla-bull? Or even a gulla-calf?

Del Preston: Did he have a naked Indian?

Wayne: Yes.

Garth: Wow.

Del Preston: I have to ask, didn't you think it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the indians bottom.

Wayne: Yes, absolutely

Del Preston: I had the same dream.

Wayne: Hi, uh we're here to see Handsome Dan. My name is Wayne Campbell

Bjergen Kjergen: Yah, I know. We've been expecting you, Vane Campbell. I am Bjergen Kjargen.

Wayne: Wow I love your accent, where are you from?

Bjergen Kjergen: I am from Sveden.

Wayne: Oh really? Whereabouts in Sweden?

Bjergen Kjergen: Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords.

Wayne: Well, nice to meet you, Bjergen Kjargen, from Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords. Hmm. Kneurgen, that's in the Klargen Province, near the Biburgen River.

Bjergen Kjergen: Yah hah.

Wayne: Now correct me if I'm wrong. Your annual rainfall varies from about 40 inches in the winter to about 200 inches in the summer, and your chief export is modular furniature. I did a report on Sweden in the eighth grade.

Bjergen Kjergen: Well I am impressed with your quest for knowledge. Educated men are rare.

Wayne: It was really hard, I stayed all night on it. Then the next day, in gym class I was on the minitramp and I got diarrhea. I really wish I hadn't told you that.

Wayne: I can't believe Paramount is spending the money to fly us to England. I would have thought they would just use two doubles.

Garth: God, Handsome Dan is so cool. He must get a million chicks. I bet he's totally studly and buffed.

Wayne: With a voice like that, man, he's got to be a babe magnet.

Del Preston: Woodstock? That was quite a show, man.

Garth: You were at Woodstock?

Wayne: Excellent! What was it like?

Del Preston: It rained all morning, and then it cleared up in the afternoon. And that's it, I almost remembered something else, but it's gone.

Garth: So, did Jim Morrison give you Del Preston's exact address?

Wayne: Yeah, he said EXACTLY London, England.

Jim: Hey Wayne, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine: Sammy Davis, Jr.

Wayne: Wow, nice to meet you, Mr. Junior.

Wayne: What I'd really like to do is something extraordinary. Something big. Something mega. Something copious. Something capacious. Something cajunga! But I'll probably end up working at Great America, mopping up hurl and lung butter.

[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?" (also in [link=tt0105793])]

Wayne: Exsqueeze me? A baking-powder?

Wayne: You can see him?

Rip Taylor: Well, of course! I mean, how are you gonna miss a half-naked Indian?

Garth: Wow. Look at this scrapbook.

Wayne: Wow!

Garth: That's you with Led Zeppelin.

Del Preston: Yeh. My old lady put that together. We must've toured every concert hall and venue in America. Me, my old lady, and the road.

Wayne: Is that you and Bob Dylan? Who's that old lady?

Del Preston: That's my old lady.

Jim: Ask me a question.

Wayne: Okay, two trains are coming at each other at sixty miles an hour, one from Chicago, one from Los Angeles.

Jim: [cutting him off] No, ask me a question about your life.

Wayne: Do you know that good feeling that often comes from being helpful?

April Burns: Yes...

Wayne: I'm not having that feeling here.

Robin: He seem nervous to you?

Wayne: Couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor.

Wayne: Smyrna, Earl's kissing his sister again.

Earl: God damn it, Wayne, I really wish you would stop calling her that.

Wayne: I think all I need now is the love of a good woman. You know, just a little one I could take care of, or... or even a bigger one that would take of me.

Barbara: [speaking to her ex-husband about her new husband] What's the matter, Wayne? Are you jealous?

Wayne: Jealous? I don't even know the meaning of the word.

Barbara: Yeah? You don't know the meaning of LOTS of words.

Wayne: Why do you want to get out early anyway? What are you going to do with yourself?

Sebastian Cole: Well, get a haircut, pay taxes, die.

[last lines]

Wayne: [in hot tub] Hey, whose hand in that?

Wayne: Do you love me?

Cindy Wegman: If Wink wasn't here, I'd show you just how much.

Mr. Wink: Don't mind me.

Wayne: Oh my god I'm so excited, I'm harder than Chinese math.

Sal: Right now I'm going to rip him a new fucking asshole

Wayne: Ooh that sounds fun!

Sal: Verbally you pervert!

Wayne: I can not tell you what a positive attitude can do for the overall performance of a blowjob.

Lyle: Wayne? She got away. The cowboy was here, they got the jump on me.

Wayne: Do you know where they went?

Lyle: Hell, no. How could I? I've been staring at my eyelids for the last hour and a half.

Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Hey, this is supposed to say 'Randy'.

Wayne: I guess personnel just got it off your W-4.

Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: WAYNE!... Do I gotta wear it?

Wayne: No... you're special.

Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: WAYNE!... Can they fix it?

Wayne: Just wear the fucking thing, ok?

Wayne: [Jokingly describing to Randy what the deli counter is like] It's an endless parade of horny housewives begging for your man meat.

Deedee Rodgers: Emma said some things. First, she said I married you and had a family with because I knew I wasn't good enough to go professional as a ballet dancer. That wasn't true. But... she also said I had a child with you to prove that you were straight. That was sort of true. I wanted

Wayne: I know.

Deedee Rodgers: You... you do?

Wayne: Yeah. I guess I wanted to prove it myself.

Wayne: [Wayne has goaded Deke into singing at the Buckhorn Tavern... Deke sings to keep peace, he turns to Wayne after he's finished] Well, you ain't bad, sideburns.

Jimmy Tompkins: Now tell me what it is you do for a living.

Wayne: I work with my old man in auto accessories, why?

Jimmy Tompkins: Well, I usually get paid for singin' as a rule. And I figure you oughta do whatever it is you do for me. So how 'bout steppin' outside and puttin' a new set of seatcovers on my car, huh?

Wayne: Why sure, sideburns! What color you want?

[turns to the people at his table]

Wayne: I figure his color's yellow, don't you?

[Deke pulls Wayne out of his seat and starts viciously beating him]

Frank: [on the phone] Get the police, quickly!

[Deke and Wayne continue until Deke wins by a knockout]

Wayne: [Wayne is trying to persuade Deke to sing at the Buckhorn tavern after being politely refused] Now I told my girl I could get you to sing! A man can't go back on his word, can he, fella?

Skeeter: [stands up] Look, maybe you didn't hear me... "fella", but Mr. Rivers doesn't sing in juke joints. So how about going back over there and drink your malted, huh?

Frank: [Wayne shoves Skeeter to the floor, girls gasp] Hey, are these music people causing some trouble here?

Jimmy Tompkins: [rushing up] There's no trouble, sir. You mind if I sing a song with these people here?

Frank: Well, uh...

Wayne: [interrupting] No, he don't mind!

[menacingly]

Wayne: Or do you Frank?

Frank: [stammering] No... I don't... mind.

[Deke sings "Mean Woman Blues"]

Wayne: I'm Wayne. The fun guy.