Nelson Quotes in The Benchwarmers (2006)

Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

Nelson: His son just did that to me last week.

Milhouse: Hey, I am very passionate about the planet.

Nelson: [raises his fist] Say global warming is a myth!

Milhouse: [cowering] It's a myth! Further study is needed!

Nelson: [punches Milhouse] That's for selling out your beliefs!

Nelson: Careful! It's a sea snake! Don't touch it!

Dot: What?

Nelson: It's an electric eel!

Dot: A what?

Nelson: It's a... what is it?

Dot: How do you stay underwater for so long?

Nelson: Oh, dolphins, porpoises, whales, we can stay down as long as we'd like.

Dot: Oh, I wish I could.

Nelson: Sure, you can.

Dot: A person, you mean? Stay underwater?

Nelson: Yes, it's a special way of doing things. It's called dolphin think.

Dot: Will you teach me?

Nelson: Yes. Because you're such a good back scratcher.

Dot: Oh, Nelson!

Nelson: Of course, I'll teach you, and you know I'll do it, because you're the only human who has really learned the language of the animals.

Dot: Well, it wasn't like learning. You know, like learning French or Japanese.

Nelson: What do you mean? Learning is learning. Or are you so smart you just knew it like magic?

Dot: Yes, that's right. Like magic.

Nelson: I hope you can dolphin think as easily as that.

Dot: Me too.

Dot: I didn't take a breath for 20 minutes! I wasn't cold, and I could hear you, and you could hear me! We didn't talk!

Nelson: Of course, you do have a good teacher.

Nelson: Dot, there is a way to make Tonga return to the sea.

Dot: How?

Nelson: She'll return if Moby Dick tells her.

Dot: Moby Dick? The White Whale?

Nelson: Yes.

Dot: But Moby Dick's not true. He's in a story.

Nelson: He might be in a story, but he's still true. He rules all the seas. He's old and very wise.

Dot: Well, let's ask. Come on.

Nelson: Wait. He's very hard to find.

Dot: Does he know about Tonga?

Nelson: Oh, yes. He knows about everything that happens in the ocean.

Dot: And Tonga will do what Moby Dick says?

Nelson: All the creatures of the sea obey Moby Dick.

Dot: I want to see him.

Nelson: Dot!

Dot: Take me, Nelson. Please?

Nelson: All right, but it's a long way, and it could be dangerous.

Oracle: Yes, yes. Coral poisoning.

Nelson: But she didn't hurt the coral. Why did they do this to her?

Oracle: She stepped on them. The coral are living creatures, the same as we are. They defended themselves the way they know how.

Nelson: With poison?

Oracle: If they don't look after themselves, there will soon be no coral left in the sea. And there wouldn't be any more coral earrings or necklaces.

Nelson: We dolphins, porpoises and whales used to have arms and legs like you.

Dot: Was that millions of years ago?

Nelson: Then we came into the sea for a little visit, and we liked it better.

Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!

Chester: Can he also bong a beer?

Nelson: Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.

Nelson: Deep inside your consciousness you must look. Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must.

Zelmina, Space Nerd #3: Does he have to talk like that?

Christie Boner: I like the way you talk.

Nelson: You really oughta see someone about that nose.

Charlie Driggs: Broken nose ain't gonna kill ya, Nelson.

Nelson: Charlie, attempt to be cool.

Nelson: I love the smell of cow shit in the morning. Take it all in boys. Sniff it. All right, all right, all right.

Cory: I know what I am gonna write my term paper on. "Cow Shit of the South: The Smell of Victory."

Nelson: Dudes! The whole point was getting away from history class.

Ernest Dalby: Your mother is sick to death about this!

Nelson: Where is she?

Ernest Dalby: Out shopping.

Nelson: Innkeeper! Two beers.

Adam: I still don't know where my underpants are.

Nelson: Why? What happened to 'em?

Adam: I think they ate 'em.

Ernest Dalby: Now step aside.

Nelson: Damn it, I said no. I'm through stepping aside for you. And that goes for getting pushed around, held back and screwed over too.

Nelson: I keep wondering what Stu said to those girls.

Adam: Oh, probably something like, ah, "Nice night, isn't it? Be nicer if you spent it with us."

Nelson: Yeah, he probably made it sound good, too.

Adam: Sure, Stu's what you call professionally cool.

Willie: [discussing Mrs. Crowley] What about them nipples? She got some little raisins, or some nice big gumdrops?

Judge Crowley: That's my wife we're talking about.

Willie: Oh. My bad.

Nelson: Sorry.

Judge Crowley: Okay. Gumdrops.

Willie: I knew it!

Yurek: [ducking behind a car after being shot at by Nelson] Rangers?

Twombly: Who?

Yurek: It's Yurek! You fucking assholes!

Nelson: [Twombly turns to Nelson and taps his own flag patch to indicate "friendly"] Fuck!

Twombly: Dude, we almost fucking killed you! Well, come to us!

Yurek: Fuck you! Come to me!

[after Eversmann debriefs his chalk on Wolcott's crashed helicopter]

Nelson: How come I gotta stay back here?

Eversmann: Because you're dependable.

Nelson: [to Twombly after Eversmann, Wadell, Schmid, and Galentine head for the crash site] I hate being dependable, man.

Nelson: The Humvees ain't coming back for us, dude.

Nelson: Twombly! The convoy's leaving! Hey Twombly!

Twombly: What?

Nelson: I think they've forgotten us!

Twombly: WHAT?

Nelson: It doesn't matter.

Nelson: November is all I know, and all I ever wanna know.

Nelson: This is it, life will never be better, or sweeter than this.

Nelson: You defy every law of nature I've ever known.

Sara: Nelson do you want to be my November.

Nelson: Yes.

Nelson: Wow. Wow. Very, uh, Pink Flamingos.

Chaz: Oh my god. Sweetheart! He says I look like Divine!

[Brandon comes in with a tray wearing a dress]

Brandon: Ugh! That's awful. Although you could lose a few pounds.

Chaz: Stop it.

Brandon: You stop it.

Chaz: Bitch.

Nelson: You afraid of the dark?

Trip: No I'm afraid of psycho desert crackheads who hunt small animals with Dahmer's garden tools.

[at the First Day meeting, Nelson is talking with Penny; Quirt pulls him aside]

Quirt Evans: This'll sound like I'm buttin' into your business - and I am! And you oughta give me a watch with a gold case for doin' it. You dim-witted nail-bender, marry that girl!

Nelson: Marry her? Why I assure you my intentions... well she knows how I feel.

Quirt Evans: How would she know? Stop yammerin' about shooin' horses - that's no way to talk to a girl. Talk to her about HER. And marry her... and do it quick!

Nelson: You know what's that?

José María Loygorri, 'Txema': A bullet.

Nelson: I always keep one of these... for traitors.

Nelson: You can use all of your bullets except for this one. This one... is for Lobo.