Umpire Quotes in The Benchwarmers (2006)


Umpire Quotes:

  • Gus: [upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?

    Wayne: Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.

    Carlos: Me tummy, es sicko.

    Umpire: Well you got proof he's a kid?

    Gus: Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.

    Wayne: Not according to birth certifico.

    [hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]

    Umpire: [looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!

  • Gus: [shouts] Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.

    Clark: Well where's the strike zone?

    [he gets a bit distracted during the pitch]

    Umpire: Strike two!

    Gus: Right there.

  • [Gil tries to watch the game as he's running late, when the umpire calls time]

    Umpire: Time!

    Gil Renard: [Gil yells out] Come on, let's play some fuckin' baseball!

  • [Gil in front of his son yells at the umpire when he calls a strike on Bobby]

    Umpire: Strike!

    Gil Renard: [Gil yells out, standing up] Are you out of your mind, Ump? Are you out of your fuckin' mind!

  • Umpire: [Angry, and spits after witnessing a fight break out during the baseball match] This is the most disgraceful display I have ever seen in baseball history. Your supposed to be learning how to be Citizens, and Sportsmen, NOT Hooligans! I am suspending this game for one week to give you a chance to cool down. The game starts over next Sunday, and that is if by then and if you decide to GROW UP!

  • Umpire: No ball!

    Capt. Russell: [as he and Yardley, slightly incredulous, go over to the umpire] What?

    Umpire: No ball!

    Yardley: You're kidding me...

    Capt. Russell: "No ball"? What do you mean, "no ball"?

    Umpire: His foot was over the line.

    Capt. Russell: [Turning to Yardley] Yardley?

    Yardley: Are you quite certain, umpire?

    Umpire: I am not discussing it any further, sir. I suggest we get on with the game.

    Capt. Russell: Very well...

    Capt. Russell: [Returning to his teammates] Gentlemen, we have one more ball. Back to your positions!

  • [to the umpire]

    Ty Cobb: How do you do, Cyclops?

    Umpire: Shut up, Cobb.

    Ty Cobb: You're missing an excellent ballgame.

  • Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.

    Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?

  • Batter at reunion game: That was clear inside. That was clear inside...

    [continues to argue]

    Umpire: Listen, yesterday that was a ball, tomorrow it might be a ball, but today it's a strike.

  • Stadium announcer: Now batting for the Peaches, #5, center fielder, Mae Mordabito.

    Racine Catcher: C'mon, no hitter, no hitter!

    Stadium announcer: Here's the pitch...

    [Mae swings and hits a ball into right center field]

    Stadium announcer: ... there's a shot into right center it's... up the alley!

    Peaches first base coach: Go to third, go to third, keep goin', Mae!

    Ellen Sue Gotlander - Shortstop: Keep goin', Mae, all the way!

    Stadium announcer: She's turning 'round first, she's heading up to third. Mordabito's heading past second!

    Racine Catcher: Go to third, go to third!

    Stadium announcer: She's headed into third!

    Dottie Hinson: Dirt in the skirt, Mae! Dirt in the skirt!

    Umpire: [Mae slides head-first into third base, ahead of the throw] Safe!

    Stadium announcer: She's in there with a triple!

    Mae Mordabito: Time.

    Umpire: Boy, did she smack that one on the kisser. No wonder they call her "All the Way" Mae.

  • Umpire: [after hitting Coleman] You're out of here rookie.

    Rick Vaughn: I'm out?

    Umpire: Yes you are!

    Rick Vaughn: Hey, c'mon. That's an accident!

    Umpire: You threw at him intentionally!

    Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass!

    Umpire: You're gone.

    Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit! Fuck you!

    Umpire: Get outta here rookie.

    Rick Vaughn: Oh! Why don't you blow me ump!

  • Umpire: [Ejects Vaughn from the game after hitting Coleman] You threw at him intentionally!

    Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass!

    Umpire: You're gone!

    Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit! Fuck you!

    Umpire: Get outta here, rookie!

    Rick Vaughn: Oh, why don't you blow me ump?

  • Harry Doyle: [after Vaughn accidentally hits Coleman of the Yankees] Uh, oh.

    Lou Brown: Interesting.

    Harry Doyle: [Seeing the Umpire throw out Vaughn] 'Bout time it's Eight nothing.

    Umpire: You, you're gone.

    Rick Vaughn: What?

    Umpire: You hear me, you're gone.

    Rick Vaughn: He was on top of the plate.

    Heywood: Oh, c'mon that's horseshit.

    Lou Brown: [to Pepper] I think you can get him out of there.

    Rick Vaughn: The ball slipped out of my hand, it was an accident.

    Umpire: You threw at him intentionally.

    Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass.

    Umpire: Get out of here.

    Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit, fuck you!

    Umpire: Get out of here, rookie.

    Rick Vaughn: Hey, why don't you blow me, ump?

  • Umpire: Call me a cocksucker again, and you're outta here.

    Crash Davis: You're a cocksucker.

    Umpire: You're... *outta*!

    Larry: Whoa! What the fuck is that?

  • Umpire: Strike!

    Cathy Timberlake: Strike?


    Cathy Timberlake: Hey, ump, shake your head, your eyeballs are stuck! It was a ball, it was that far away from the plate.

    Umpire: [Approaching the dugout] Lady, will you keep it down over here? You've been riding me all night.

    Cathy Timberlake: Mickey, you saw that pitch, it was a ball, wasn't it?

    Mickey Mantle: It looked like it.

    Umpire: You're out of the game, Mantle.

    Cathy Timberlake: What? Roger, what do you think?

    Roger Maris: It could've missed the corner.

    Umpire: You're out, Maris.

    Cathy Timberlake: Yogi...

    Yogi Berra: It was a perfect strike, the ump was right.

    Umpire: I don't like sarcasm, Berra. You're out of the game as well.

    Cathy Timberlake: You can't do that!

    Umpire: Lady...

    Cathy Timberlake: Where's the Manager?

    Philip Shayne: I think he's hiding.

  • Umpire: Coach, I don't mean to interrupt your little chat but there's sixteen thousand and one of us - think there's a baseball game going on here. Play ball?

Browse more character quotes from The Benchwarmers (2006)