Umpire Quotes in The Benchwarmers (2006)

Gus: [upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?

Wayne: Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.

Carlos: Me tummy, es sicko.

Umpire: Well you got proof he's a kid?

Gus: Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.

Wayne: Not according to birth certifico.

[hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]

Umpire: [looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!

Gus: [shouts] Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.

Clark: Well where's the strike zone?

[he gets a bit distracted during the pitch]

Umpire: Strike two!

Gus: Right there.

[Gil tries to watch the game as he's running late, when the umpire calls time]

Umpire: Time!

Gil Renard: [Gil yells out] Come on, let's play some fuckin' baseball!

[Gil in front of his son yells at the umpire when he calls a strike on Bobby]

Umpire: Strike!

Gil Renard: [Gil yells out, standing up] Are you out of your mind, Ump? Are you out of your fuckin' mind!

Umpire: [Angry, and spits after witnessing a fight break out during the baseball match] This is the most disgraceful display I have ever seen in baseball history. Your supposed to be learning how to be Citizens, and Sportsmen, NOT Hooligans! I am suspending this game for one week to give you a chance to cool down. The game starts over next Sunday, and that is if by then and if you decide to GROW UP!

Umpire: No ball!

Capt. Russell: [as he and Yardley, slightly incredulous, go over to the umpire] What?

Umpire: No ball!

Yardley: You're kidding me...

Capt. Russell: "No ball"? What do you mean, "no ball"?

Umpire: His foot was over the line.

Capt. Russell: [Turning to Yardley] Yardley?

Yardley: Are you quite certain, umpire?

Umpire: I am not discussing it any further, sir. I suggest we get on with the game.

Capt. Russell: Very well...

Capt. Russell: [Returning to his teammates] Gentlemen, we have one more ball. Back to your positions!

[to the umpire]

Ty Cobb: How do you do, Cyclops?

Umpire: Shut up, Cobb.

Ty Cobb: You're missing an excellent ballgame.

Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.

Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?

Batter at reunion game: That was clear inside. That was clear inside...

[continues to argue]

Umpire: Listen, yesterday that was a ball, tomorrow it might be a ball, but today it's a strike.

Stadium announcer: Now batting for the Peaches, #5, center fielder, Mae Mordabito.

Racine Catcher: C'mon, no hitter, no hitter!

Stadium announcer: Here's the pitch...

[Mae swings and hits a ball into right center field]

Stadium announcer: ... there's a shot into right center it's... up the alley!

Peaches first base coach: Go to third, go to third, keep goin', Mae!

Ellen Sue Gotlander - Shortstop: Keep goin', Mae, all the way!

Stadium announcer: She's turning 'round first, she's heading up to third. Mordabito's heading past second!

Racine Catcher: Go to third, go to third!

Stadium announcer: She's headed into third!

Dottie Hinson: Dirt in the skirt, Mae! Dirt in the skirt!

Umpire: [Mae slides head-first into third base, ahead of the throw] Safe!

Stadium announcer: She's in there with a triple!

Mae Mordabito: Time.

Umpire: Boy, did she smack that one on the kisser. No wonder they call her "All the Way" Mae.

Umpire: [after hitting Coleman] You're out of here rookie.

Rick Vaughn: I'm out?

Umpire: Yes you are!

Rick Vaughn: Hey, c'mon. That's an accident!

Umpire: You threw at him intentionally!

Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass!

Umpire: You're gone.

Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit! Fuck you!

Umpire: Get outta here rookie.

Rick Vaughn: Oh! Why don't you blow me ump!

Umpire: [Ejects Vaughn from the game after hitting Coleman] You threw at him intentionally!

Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass!

Umpire: You're gone!

Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit! Fuck you!

Umpire: Get outta here, rookie!

Rick Vaughn: Oh, why don't you blow me ump?

Harry Doyle: [after Vaughn accidentally hits Coleman of the Yankees] Uh, oh.

Lou Brown: Interesting.

Harry Doyle: [Seeing the Umpire throw out Vaughn] 'Bout time it's Eight nothing.

Umpire: You, you're gone.

Rick Vaughn: What?

Umpire: You hear me, you're gone.

Rick Vaughn: He was on top of the plate.

Heywood: Oh, c'mon that's horseshit.

Lou Brown: [to Pepper] I think you can get him out of there.

Rick Vaughn: The ball slipped out of my hand, it was an accident.

Umpire: You threw at him intentionally.

Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass.

Umpire: Get out of here.

Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit, fuck you!

Umpire: Get out of here, rookie.

Rick Vaughn: Hey, why don't you blow me, ump?

Umpire: Call me a cocksucker again, and you're outta here.

Crash Davis: You're a cocksucker.

Umpire: You're... *outta*!

Larry: Whoa! What the fuck is that?

Umpire: Strike!

Cathy Timberlake: Strike?

[shouts]

Cathy Timberlake: Hey, ump, shake your head, your eyeballs are stuck! It was a ball, it was that far away from the plate.

Umpire: [Approaching the dugout] Lady, will you keep it down over here? You've been riding me all night.

Cathy Timberlake: Mickey, you saw that pitch, it was a ball, wasn't it?

Mickey Mantle: It looked like it.

Umpire: You're out of the game, Mantle.

Cathy Timberlake: What? Roger, what do you think?

Roger Maris: It could've missed the corner.

Umpire: You're out, Maris.

Cathy Timberlake: Yogi...

Yogi Berra: It was a perfect strike, the ump was right.

Umpire: I don't like sarcasm, Berra. You're out of the game as well.

Cathy Timberlake: You can't do that!

Umpire: Lady...

Cathy Timberlake: Where's the Manager?

Philip Shayne: I think he's hiding.

Umpire: Coach, I don't mean to interrupt your little chat but there's sixteen thousand and one of us - think there's a baseball game going on here. Play ball?