Howie Quotes in The Benchwarmers (2006)

Howie: For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER!

[cries]

Howie: Richie told me about the serial killers thats loose in in our neighborhood killing anyone named Howie! THAT'S MY NAME! That's my name!

Howie: [quivering] Carlos?

Carlos: Who say my name?

Howie: [gives him 2 packs of beer and a tequila] I brought you a present from the Benchwarmers. You're really good at baseball.

Carlos: [happy] Thank you Albino.

[bold]

Carlos: Now get lost!

Howie: [cowers away screeching]

Clark: We could still win this thing.

Richie: Wha-how?

Clark: If we use the force.

Richie: Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.

Clark: The Force is powerful, my young padawan.

Howie: He's right. It is.

Howie: I used to think the sun was evil but now I know it's not.

Wayne: How's the moon treating you.

Howie: Not a fan.

Howie: What's going all the way?

Wayne: [whispers in Howie's ear]

Howie: Oh.

[squeezes suntan lotion and screams]

Howie: Aaaaaah!

Howie: Richie?

[hands out a bottle of urine]

Richie: Okay, buddy.

Clark: Is that apple juice?

Richie: Nooo.

Bob Munro: [holds high the waste hoses with a Y-adapter as Howie instructed him to in order for the waste to not spill out the top]

Bob Munro: You sure this is going to work?

Howie: Yeah, man, it's basic hydraulics.

Bob Munro: Ok, Archimedes.

Howie: Dumb gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature when competing in the pickup pool. It's like bald people wearing hats... it's deceiving.

Howie: You told me once that you were waiting for me to wake up. You didn't wait long enough. I've never been more awake than I am right now. And I admit it I fucked up. No matter who you were there would have always been something wrong with you and someone better out there. And I wish that I could change that. I wish that I could take back all the times I didn't appreciate you. But I'll tell you right now, that I loved you. I still love you. And it has nothing to do with me; it has nothing to do with how good looking he is. It has to do with you. Because you are sweet, you're endearing, and uncomplicated. And you're so beautiful. I hope that you're happy together. I hope that this works out and that he's everything that you need, because you deserve it. But if he's not, and it ends I'll be there. It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough.

Marshall: I hang on because I love you, and I wait patiently for you to calm down and wake up and realize that you love me too. You hang on because it's easy.

Howie: When you say it like that I sound like an asshole!

Howie: Meanwhile, don't look now but.

[Patrick looks]

Howie: I could kill you!

Patrick: What? You act like he would never know we were checking him out.

Howie: He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you and your cart full of kitchenwares.

Patrick: What planet are you living on? There isn't a person in this entire store who wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second!

Howie: Oh keep telling yourself that.

Patrick: Excuse me, Miss.

[woman walks over]

Patrick: This man, you've never seen him before in your life. Tell me, fag, not a fag?

Female Shopper: Oh I'd have to say big fag.

Howie: Look! Benji's talking to Idaho Guy!

Dennis: Who?

Howie: Idaho Guy. He's Benji's newest crush. Benji's been working out near him for weeks in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice.

Dennis: Why do you call him Idaho Guy?

Patrick: I don't know. He just kind of... looks like he's from Idaho. It's not one of our better ones.

Howie: I hate this city. Everyone's better looking than me.

Benji: It's called being horny.

Howie: It's not horny. I know horny. I've taken a lecture series on horny.

Benji: They have lecture series on horny?

Taylor: No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy? What the fuck's a fairy supposed to do around here in case of an emergency?

Patrick: There's gotta be something.

Howie: I'm looking.

[pulls out a CD]

Howie: Celine Dion?

Taylor: In Hell!

Dennis: Is that the girl from 'Young and the Restless'?

Howie: I'm so over Y&R.

Howie: There isn't a movie in the cinema canon that depicts a gay character that we would aspire to be. What are our options... noble, suffering AIDS victims, the friends of noble suffering AIDS victims, sex addicts, common street hustlers and the newest addition to the lot, stylish confidantes to lovelorn women. Just once I would like to see someone who is not sick, hasn't been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans.

Benji: And that is someone you would aspire to be?

Taylor: Right?

Patrick: I couldn't do it.

Leslie: See I told you he was gonna start some shit.

Anne: You couldn't do it?

Patrick: I need material.

Anne: They don't have material?

Patrick: Well the whole "Hustler" ouvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now.

Howie: Oh my God it's embarrassing to even be seen in here! You owe me so big for this hag! You know my issues with buying porno.

Leslie: Hurry up!

Marshall: I still make you speechless?

Howie: [nods]

Dennis: If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men in America spent their time, he'd defect.

Howie: He probably would.

Patrick: Larry Kramer can blow me.

Howie: He probably would.

Cole: The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters. Now I feel like shit.

Howie: I think that's a scientific impossibility.

Howie: Meanwhile.

Howie: I want to be Cole! Why can't I be Cole! Why couldn't God have made me Cole!

[looks at his therapist]

Howie: My friends get a haircut with this.

[Laying on the ground as a woman passes by]

Kevin Cole: Her dress is so short, you can see her clint.

Brian: What?

Kevin Cole: Her clint, it's in her pussy.

Howie: You mean "clit."

Kevin Cole: Fuck you, I mean like... clintasaurus.

Howie: It's clitoris, you fuckin' idiot.

Kevin Cole: It's a CLINT.

Brian: Yeah, like you can see Clint Eastwood in her pussy.

Big John Harrigan: And if I was a spy, what would you think of me then ?

Howie: Well, I'd think that you are just like James Bond except James Bond doesn't go around blowing boys.

[last lines]

Howie: L.I.E. Long Island Expressway. You got the lanes going east, and you got the lanes going west. And you also got the lanes going straight to hell. Lot of people died on it. Harry Chapin, Alan Pakula, the movie director. Sylvia Blitzer, my mom. But I'm not gonna let it get me.

Howie: On the Long Island Expressway there are lanes going east, lanes going west, and lanes going straight to hell.

Counselor: Just so you know, I know you're different, okay.

Howie: Different ?

Counselor: You're not a nerd, you're not a jock, you're not a scholar or a romeo.

Howie: Or a gangsta.

Counselor: Or a clown.

Howie: So what am I then ?

Counselor: You are a Howie Blitzer.

Howie: My own category, wow.

[first lines]

Howie: L.I.E. Long Island Expressway. You got the lanes going east, and you got the lanes going west. And you also got the lanes going straight to hell. Lot of people died on it. Harry Chapin, Alan Pakula, the movie director. You probably heard of them. But you never heard of Sylvia Blitzer, my mom. She died on a crash on Exit 52. I really miss her. It's taken a lot of people and I hope it doesn't get me.

Howie: You fuckin' arrogant prick!

Howie: [sitting in police station waiting room] What if no one comes for me?

Desk Sergeant: [distracted] What?

Howie: What if no one comes for me?

Desk Sergeant: [smirks] I guess we'll have to put you in jail then.

[chuckles]

Howie: You never gave me my third task. What's my third task?

Prot: To stay here, and be prepared for anything.

[last lines]

Becca: [voice-over] And then what?

Howie: [voice-over] I don't know... Something though.

Grace: What if he catches us?

Howie: [seeing the clerk mopping his brow] If we can't run faster than him, then we deserve to get caught.

Butch: I was just telling Bonnie here that she needs a real man to take care of her.

Howie: Well, she's got real man!

Butch: No, there's only one real man here, and I can't see him, 'cause I don't have a mirror.

Grace: The Museum of Science and Industry is just a couple of miles from my house. They have lots of cool exhibitions and things. They have this big heart that you can walk in to. And they have all these little people sliced up in thin little slices. They're stuck in these glass doors, and when you turn the doors, you can see everything - all their insides.

Howie: Are they real people? Like, really real?

Grace: Yeah. There's a man and a lady, all sliced up.

Howie: Well, where'd they get the bodies? I mean, who would want to be cut up and displayed like that?

Grace: I do not know. I never really thought about it before.

Howie: I bet they didn't have families. Maybe they were war prisoners.

Grace: Maybe.

Grace: [tussling and giggling] I'm brilliant, don't you think?

Howie: I guess.

Grace: No, say it!

Howie: Okay, okay, okay.

Grace: Say it...

Howie: Okay. I'm brilliant.

[both cackling]

Howie: Did you know that Bryce classifies all girls? You know, super fine foxes, foxes middle-of-the-road, dogs, and real dogs.

Grace: What was that?

Howie: He said that you were a dog.

Grace: Oh...

[taking off her glasses]

Howie: But, he didn't even really look at you, though. He couldn't have, he wouldn't have said that if he really looked at you.

Grace: I feel gross. I'm gonna go take a shower...

[last lines]

Grace: [narrating] The bullies tried to make us seem small. I a weird way it did just the opposite. I wasn't afraid any more. And Howie wasn't alone. God has a way of giving you what you need when times get tough.

Howie: [cut to her opening her mail] In the fall, Howie found a family that adopted him in Connecticut. We stayed in touch, and the next summer mom took us to the museum to see the cut-up people. And then to NASA to see the rockets.

Grace: [reading his enclosed note] I am afraid I will never make it back to Tall Pine to pay our debt. Enclosed please find my half of the money. Did you find out who the cut up people were in the museum> I think about them a lot. -Howie P.S. Bryce was wrong. You were a SUPER FINE FOX.

Howie: This is against my better judgment.

[sighs]

Howie: Okay. Let's get to it.

Howie: Never touch the cage.

Johnny Gaveneau: Look, I'm starting a safari ranch. This is my main attraction. I need, you know, a scary animal.

Howie: Scary?

Johnny Gaveneau: Yeah. That's what the tourists pay to see. I don't think this cat's scary enough. I'm not paying top dollar for an animal that doesn't scare anyone and doesn't know any tricks. Now, maybe if I'm paying less, say, $5,000 less...

Howie: Mr. Gaveneau, the only reason we are talking is because last month this cat attacked a circus horse while 300 of your tourists ran screaming for their lives.

Johnny Gaveneau: Chased her down, did he?

Howie: Went 16 feet over a cage. Passed 11 other horses just to get to this one. Silver Dollar was her name. He broke her spine so that she couldn't move, and then he ate her alive. You ever heard a horse scream, Mr. Gaveneau? You want to know why he went after that one? Because she was the pretty one. And you're right, Mr. Gaveneau. This cat, he's not scary. He's evil.

[bangs the tiger's cage]

[first lines]

Howie: Amongst the tales I tell you once again, this one I can't forget...

[reading from his storybook]

Howie: So the knight Bisclavret married the Princess of Ireland, and they loved each other very much, but he had a secret he kept... They found a stag, he chased it, and it fled. Its neck lowered. By my faith, she said, Bisclavret, know that if I do not have some of that stag, I shall never eat again.

Howie: Momma?

Karen: Yes, Howie?

Howie: Is Daddy coming?

Karen: No.

Bonnie: Oh my stars! This must be your little one. You are so handsome. What's your name?

Howie: Howie.

Bonnie: Of course, of the Howie family. Well, you are a good-looking young man. Just gorgeous. You know, I'm single now.

[upon entering the barn]

Howie: Do you think there are any monsters in here?

Jesse: I don't think so, buddy.

Howie: If we see any monsters, I'll turn into a wolf and I'll get them.

Jesse: Why do think there are monsters in here?

Howie: Because it's dark and no one lives here.

Jesse: But, if you turned into a wolf, wouldn't you be a monster too?

Howie: No.

Jesse: Why not?

Howie: Because. I'm not a monster.