Eliot Quotes in Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005)

Tom Baker: What do you do for a living Eliot?

Eliot: Well... I'm in 8th grade.

Eliot: [during he looks at Sarah] She is sooo cool!

Vivian: You dropped out of high school?

Eliot: It was an option. I wanted to join the workforce.

Vivian: What do you do?

Eliot: I sell pot.

Eliot: [looking at his backseat] There's blood. Do you still have your period?

Vivian: No, I would've warned you.

Eliot: What just happened here?

Vivian: ...Let's just get dressed.

Eliot: Are you telling me I popped your cherry?

Vivian: I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I just wanted to get it over with. No ceremony.

Eliot: That puts a lot of pressure on a man. Did you think of that? Did you think of me? You know what this makes me? A criminal. On 2 counts! Devirginizing a minor.

Vivian: Are you starring at my breasts?

Eliot: No!

Vivian: [lifts up her shirt] Well look at them!

Eliot: Ok...

Vivian: What do they make you think?

Eliot: I don't know

Vivian: Do they looked deformed?

Eliot: No, they look beautiful!

Vivian: Do you want to touch them?

Eliot: Ok.

[Eliot and Viv are giving Rita a lift to her boyfriend's place]

Eliot: All right, we're close. I know this neighborhood. I do a lot of business up here.

Rita Abromowitz: Really? What do you do?

Vivian: He deals drugs.

Eliot: Vivian! Will you mind not going around misrepresenting me like that? Jesus. I just don't want anyone to the get the wrong idea that I'm like some kind of school yard pusher.

Rita Abromowitz: Oh, I don't mind. In fact, do you have anything for my nerves? You know, just laying around?

[rapidly]

Rita Abromowitz: Seconal, Demerol, Tuinal, Valium, Quaaludes, Percocet...

Vivian: Rita!

Eliot: Not my merchandise. I deal exclusively in pot.

Rita Abromowitz: That shit makes me paranoid.

Murray Samuel Abromowitz: Who the hell is that on your shirt?

Eliot: Charles Manson, sir.

Murray Samuel Abromowitz: Okay...

[to family]

Murray Samuel Abromowitz: Your sister gets the bedroom.

Eliot: How 'bout this? Visualize writing her a message but then literally do it right now.

Eliot: Dude, you are never gonna believe this. A shrimp's heart is in its head. This is fucking tripping me out.

Sam: Really, Cheech?

Eliot: Yeah. Oh, sorry. You getting a contact high? You gonna be all seizuring out on me?

Sam: I don't get seizures.

Eliot: Mm-hmm. What do you call them again?

Sam: They're marijuana-induced fits. It's a medical condition.

Jeremy: So why do you stay in Brooklyn?

Eliot: Queens. I stay in Queens.

Jeremy: Oh, right. Sorry. It's just that your friends... they're like those guys in movies that are always from Brooklyn, you know? The Bronx.

[Eliot gets up to leave]

Jeremy: Why do you keep running away from me? There's nothing to be afraid of.

Eliot: I know that. I'm not running away from you - I don't like you. I don't like what you say, and I don't like the way you talk about my friends. I know what you're thinking: here's this poor, repressed faggot from the boroughs who needs to get laid, and you know what? You're right. But I don't like you. I am simply incapable of tolerating your bullshit. Now, if you follow me back into that party, I'm gonna tear off your arm and beat you down the fucking street with it. Goodbye, and goodnight.

Dennis: Seriously, you guys should move out to L.A.

Eliot: Sure, why not? Vinny can act, Ray can paint, and I can find some other fucking job I hate.

Eliot: It is with great reluctance and heavy hearts that we send off our dear friend - oh my God, what is his name?

[laughter all around the room]