Edward Garlick Quotes in Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)

Edward Garlick: From a Marine in Da Nang: "Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off of a dead man's balls." I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?

Phil McPherson: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Why not?

Edward Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.

Lt. Steven Hauk: That is not funny!

Private Abersold: How about if it escalated?

Lt. Steven Hauk: How about if what escalated?

Private Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.

Lt. Steven Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!

Adrian Cronauer: [to Garlick] Should've gotten the one with the training wheels pal.

Edward Garlick: I was almost killed. A truck's bumper was this far from my nose. My whole life passed before my eyes... and it wasn't even interesting to me.

Edward Garlick: Sir, you're not funny. Ask around.

Adrian Cronauer: Mayday! Mayday! Dragon-Lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock! Stop the car.

Edward Garlick: I can't do that, sir.

Adrian Cronauer: Aw, Edward, you don't understand. I've been on a small Greek island with a lot of women who look like Zorba, I never thought I'd find women attractive ever again. And now that I do, you won't even turn the car around? Thanks a lot.

Edward Garlick: You have a very important meeting with the top brass...

Adrian Cronauer: -Oh, there she is again! How did she get ahead of us?

Edward Garlick: That's another person, sir.

Adrian Cronauer: She's beautiful and quick. Speed up, check her stamina. Oh my God, they're quick, they're fast, and small. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I feel like a fox in a chicken coop!

Edward Garlick: We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting." The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick!... That's a direct quote, sir.

Edward Garlick: Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull. I find that very alarming.

Jimmy Wah: [Jimmy brings Cronauer and Garlick their beers] There your beer!

Edward Garlick: Thank you Jimmy.

Jimmy Wah: [discreetly] Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing?

Edward Garlick: No... and it doesn't look good, Jimmy.

Jimmy Wah: He look good to me!

Adrian Cronauer: If I don't get to my English class, they'll be a lot of people speaking in short choppy sentences.

Edward Garlick: Look, we've got to talk and talk now!

Adrian Cronauer: Not now man come on.

Edward Garlick: I can't believe you. What? That's it? You're going to leave the whole fucking thing behind and leave everything fucking hanging! People are depending on you!

Adrian Cronauer: Edward, please! That's two nasty words in one year. Forgive me.

Edward Garlick: No, Phil, he's not all right. A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right.

Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz, Dan 'The Man' Levitan, Adrian Cronauer, Edward Garlick: [mocking Lt. Hauk] ... and if you dooooooo... and if you doooooo

Edward Garlick: [to Cronauer as they arrive at Jimmy Wah's] We're here, sir... Jimmy Wah's.

[they exit the Jeep and enter]

Edward Garlick: This is the place where we like to hang out, sir.

Adrian Cronauer: Real homey... in an opium kind of way.

Edward Garlick: [as Jimmy spots them] That's Jimmy Wah. He owns the place.

Jimmy Wah: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

[to Cronauer]

Jimmy Wah: Now you say hi to me then you smile!

[both smile and say hi weakly]

Jimmy Wah: And you two Earl want a couple beer?

Edward Garlick: We'd love a couple beers, Jimmy.

[Jimmy waves them to a table]

Adrian Cronauer: Why are our names Earl?

Edward Garlick: He calls everybody Earl.

Adrian Cronauer: [they sit down] Is it me, or is Jimmy light in the loafers?

Edward Garlick: Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan. He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor? For three years, he's been trying.

Edward Garlick: What will you do, sir? What will you do? What will you do with your time?

Adrian Cronauer: Oh, I don't know. There are plenty of things I can think of. Maybe go downtown and try to find a Vietnamese man named "Phil."

[Before Hauk goes on the air, the other men gently try to change his mind, then Eddie just leans down to the microphone]

Edward Garlick: Sir, you're not funny. Ask around.

Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: Ask me. I mean, I know funny, sir, and I don't think you're it. It's like me, I'm not much with power tools...

Adrian Cronauer: Oh, Edward, don't you do anything that's not by the book?

Edward Garlick: Not when I get into trouble. No I don't.

Adrian Cronauer: You know, Eddie, sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun. What's that? Come on. Take some chances once in a while, Edward. That's what life's all about.