Private Abersold Quotes in Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)

Richard Nixon: [Adrian has inserted his voice onto the press conference with Nixon] As I leave Vietnam today there will be no doubt in my mind that the Viet cong will be defeated. And this war will be won. It does involve as you have suggested give and take.

Adrian Cronauer: Well I really didn't make that suggestion, sir, I'm sorry.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?

Private Abersold: I don't know, sir.

Adrian Cronauer: Mr Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I think I'd rather delve into a more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?

Richard Nixon: [Hauk turns to the radio in horror] That they're soft and they're very shallow and they serve no purpose.

Adrian Cronauer: So what are you saying, sir?

Richard Nixon: They lack the physical strength.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Oh, my God. Please don't do this to me.

Adrian Cronauer: How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?

Richard Nixon: It is unexciting sometimes.

Adrian Cronauer: Well, you can consider a sex change. There is an operation that can transform you into a female white dane or a very hell wung chihuaua. Mr. Nixon it is rumored that you have smoked marijuana. Are you planning to take some of the marijuana home back to the United States? How would you do that?

Richard Nixon: By plane. By helicopter and also by automobile.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?

Phil McPherson: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Why not?

Edward Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.

Lt. Steven Hauk: That is not funny!

Private Abersold: How about if it escalated?

Lt. Steven Hauk: How about if what escalated?

Private Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.

Lt. Steven Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!

Lieutenant Steven Hauk: "Good morning, Vietnam." What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Private Abersold: I don't know, Lieutenant, I guess it means good morning, Vietnam.

Lieutenant Steven Hauk: And who gave him permission to play modern music?

[Listening to Cronauer]

Private Abersold: You know, he's funny, he's like a Marx Brother.

Lieutenant Steven Hauk: And which Marx Brother would that be, Private? Zeppo? I don't find him funny at all.

Private Abersold: Zeppo? Wasn't he the one with the hat?

Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: [When the "B-girls" come over to their table at Jimmy Wah's] Hello. I'm William Holden.

Private Abersold: Hey, how come I'm the only one who don't get one?

Dan 'The Man' Levitan: I'm Dan "The Man" Levitan. You've probably heard my radio show. Haha!