Derek Quotes in Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004)

Derek: Here's my ride, designed it myself, Gucci interior, plasma flat screen, DVD, surround sound, GPS navigation system, and riding shotgun, my right hand man Kumar.

Kumar: What up Mr. Banks, it is a bit young.

Derek: And to top it off... whooo, I got the fastest system in all of London

[he begins playing music but Cody shuts it off]

Cody Banks: Of course, everytime you turn that on you risk blowing your cover and putting yourself and all your men in danger.

Derek: Nany, nany, Nah. You know what your problem is Banks, your too darn old, act like a kid, that's why they recruited you

[he plays the music agian]

Derek: No wonder all the malls are empty. They got all you kids working undercover.

Cody Banks: Why are we going so fast, is someone following us?

Derek: NO, you're late for class?

Derek: In Nigeria, the ladies go loco for a brother in a bobo.

Derek: Oh, shit. Cold as a corpse. Damn, she's cute too.

[After Derek spots another vampire through his viewer]

Derek: Ok we got a sucker

Derek: I love America, but I fuckin' hate cops!

Adam Chaplin: Derek... They're here!

Derek: We will fight, Adam...

Keith: Never hit a lady

Derek: Unless she hits first

Ray: Ooh, Jell-O!

Derek: It's mine...

Ray: Yeah well, I'm gonna fuckin' take it anyway...

[reaches for the cup of Jell-O]

Eugene: [Eugene firmly grabs his hand and gives him a cold stare] FUCK OFF.

Rogers: I beg you, apologize to Odette. You know you're going to have to sooner or later.

Derek: Why do I always have to be the one to apologize?

Rogers: Because that's what we husbands do. We hunt, we fish, we watch sporting events and we apologize.

George: So, what'd I tell ya, Derek?

Derek: It's great, but what am I supposed to do with it?

George: Sell it.

Derek: Jesus Christ, George, I don't see you for two years and you show up on my doorstep with 110 pounds of blow.

George: Just fucking sell it, Derek.

Derek: Okay, but it's going to take me a year.

[scene shift to interior Derek's bar surrounded by stacks of cash]

Derek: 36 hours, 36 hours, I can't believe we got rid of it in 36 hours.

George: I think it's fair to say you underestimated the market, Derek.

Derek: Right on. It's going to take us longer to count it than it did to sell it.

Derek: [shouts] Hey listen, fucker, I only helped carry the body 'cause that mafia motherfucker was gonna beat the shit out of me!

Donny: What the f... what the fuck is fatalizing? Is he like dead?

Derek: No, dude, it's like worse, dude, it's like way worse, because, like, you have to live, man... you have to fuckin' live and you're a fuckin' baby.

Brennan Huff: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?

Derek: What?

Brennan Huff: If you lick my butt hole.

Derek: What do we do now?

Brennan Huff: We could hug.

Derek: Yeah, you'd like that, faggot!... Sorry.

Derek: I have to sell or lease at last 80 helicopters to make my nut. And you... You mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick.

Randy: Like Kobayashi.

Randy: [makes eating noise]

Derek: I've seen him do it.

Brennan Huff: You've actually seen him eating a man's penis?

Derek: It was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him. But I saw it.

Derek: [Derek suddenly climbs up Brennan's treehouse with a beer] What's up, faggots?

[to Brennan]

Derek: What's up man? What? You're not gonna come down and say hi to me? What's with that, dipshit? Huh?

Brennan Huff: [faintly] Hi, Derek.

Derek: Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking. You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here...

Dale Doback: What is your problem, man?

Derek: My problem? I don't know! I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year!

[smirks]

Derek: How much did you make?

Dale Doback: [shrugs] It's not about money...

Derek: No, it's not about money. Well, for me, it's a little bit about money...

[pause]

Derek: And I made that much money last year. I am the VP of the biggest executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard. Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out!

[Derek lifts up his shirt and shows Dale and Brennan his chest abs]

Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with! Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen!

Derek: What if I were to tell you that I could sell this house... for 30 percent above market?

Dr. Robert Doback: That'd be great. Could you do it?

Derek: Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby. Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs. I'd even do it for four-fifths commish... because you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends.

Derek: Brennan has a man-gina!

Derek: [sarcastically] Not bad!

Brennan Huff: [as Derek leaves] Eat shit, Derek!

Derek: I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out.

[Points to ab muscles]

Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit?

Dale Doback: No.

Derek: You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.

Derek: So, you got a really dope front lawn here. You and your homeboys can play on that.

Second Homebuyer Husband: You know what, you can- you can just say it looks good.

Derek: Nah, it's how I talk. You got a really fresh entryway here.

Nancy Huff: We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding.

Dr. Robert Doback: We completely understand. You were busy fishing... with Mark Cuban.

Derek: Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not just the Cubes, but Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst, super chef Bobby Flay. I mean, it was insane. It was almost too much.

[as the family sings Sweet Child O' Mine]

Derek: All right, Alice, let's go!

[Alice sings unenthusiastically]

Derek: Flat. It's so flat, I can't even- I don't even know. You don't even look good while you're singing. The worst thing I've ever heard. This is twelve hundred dollars a week for voice lessons, and this is what I get? Okay, I'm gonna save it with the solo.

[singing]

Derek: Bowm, bowm, I'm Deeerek and I can sing hiiiigh like thiiiis! And I can sing hiiiiiiiigh!

[swerves away from oncoming traffic]

Dr. Robert Doback: Oh God, you're impressive.

Derek: Oh, come on. I love talking to you from across the room. I feel like we have a thing. You and me, man! You're my new stepdad! You're unbelievable!

[Robert laughs giddily]

Nancy Huff: I-I've never heard that laugh before.

Dale Doback: Dad, why are you acting so weird?

Derek: Listen gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining the story... and possibly the evening.

Derek: Dane Cook, pay-per-view, 20 minutes. Let's go!

Dale Doback: What is your problem, man?

Derek: My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, uh, Dale. In fact, I have the opposite of a problem. I made over 550K last year. How much did you make?

Dale Doback: It's not about money.

Derek: It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made *that* much money last year.

Dr. Robert Doback: [to Dale and Brennan on why it is their fault for divorcing Nancy] You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and... worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other! IT IS ABSOLUTELY ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT YOUR FAULT!

Derek: Of course it's their fault. They are the two biggest dickheads in the world and they're living in your house!

Derek: It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

Jimmy Rabbitte: What do you call yourselves?

Derek: "And And And."

Jimmy Rabbitte: "And And fuckin' And?"

Derek: Well, Ray's thinking of putting an exclamation mark after the second "and." Says it'd look deadly on the posters.

Jimmy Rabbitte: Psshh...

Outspan Foster: You don't like it? You think it should go at the end?

Jimmy Rabbitte: I think it should go up his arse.

Outspan Foster: Well, we're not married to it.

Outspan Foster: There's a band around called "Free Beer". Always draws a big crowd.

Derek: I like "A Flock of Budgies".

Jimmy Rabbitte: We have to be "the" something. All the great sixties bands were "The Somethings".

Outspan Foster: We could be... The Northsiders.

Derek: Or The Liffy Lads.

Outspan Foster: How about... The Fucking Eejits?

[talking about kicking Ray out of the band]

Jimmy Rabbitte: How did Ray take the news?

Derek: Not too bad. Said he was goin' solo.

Jimmy Rabbitte: He doesn't have much of a choice, does he?

Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?

Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges.

[the football player picks up Derek by his shirt]

Derek: Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!

Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.

Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?

Player #1: Shut up, meat-head!

Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.

Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it?

Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...

Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.

[Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand]

Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem?

Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem.

Lou: Well, now you do.

[Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]

Derek: [explaining his "anti-pep rally"] Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.

Derek: That's Valerie Desmond. Look how tight her ass is today.

Thornton Melon: [Derek has blue hair] Is that your real hair?

Derek: What do ya think?

Thornton Melon: I think you're trying to get back at your parents, that's what I think.

Derek: It's this whole stupid capitalist system, you know? It's set up to heap rewards on the advantaged and the aggressive... and to make sure that two regular schmoes like you and me never get a date with girls like Valerie Desmond. I hate the whole bourgeois mentality of this school.

Derek: [at the diving competition] You know what you almost never see? Somebody heckling a diver.

[blows an air horn just as a diver is going into his dive]

Derek: [to Jason, who's sitting there moody with a bottle and sunglasses on] Nice look. What are you going for? The heavy, disassociated artist thing... Oh, it's the deaf thing. Maybe this will cheer you up.

[Derek let's himself fall in front of Jason's seat legs spread]

Thornton Melon: [comes along waving Derek away] Oh, do me! Derek! Get up, will ya?

Thornton Melon: [to Derek] You look like the poster boy for birth control.

[to Jason]

Thornton Melon: Jason, it's a party. What's your story? What's the matter? The swim meet? Forget about it. It's history. Come on, will ya? Snap into it!

Norman: You still smokin' that stuff?

Derek: No no no, I'm gonna stop, all right? *You* used to smoke, we used to smoke *together*.

Norman: I used to piss my pants and then I stopped!

Derek: [to Simon] Oh, by the way, that's the clitoris.

Derek: I'm a Derek and Dereks don't run!

Derek: Suck my spinning steel, shithead!

Barry: Why can't aliens be friendly?

Derek: There's no glowing fingers on these bastards, we've got a bunch of Extra-Terrestrial psychopaths on our hands, like a visit from a planet full of Charlie Mansons, they've started on something small, its my guess they'll go onto something bigger next time, Christchurch, Wellington...

Barry: Auckland?

Derek: Yeah, well, that wouldn't be so bad.

Derek: Well this sure has buggered your plans for conquering the world, eh? Hehe... my friend, the astro-bastard, time for talkies. By the time my colleagues get here I want to have you babbling in some extra-terrestrial language!

Derek: Stick all the bits of brain in a plastic bag, Barry. We'll need them for analysis.

Barry: No bloody way mate. You can come down here and do that yourself!

Derek: Stay where you are then, and I'll give you an eye witness description of this, intergalactic wanker!

[last lines]

Derek: I'm coming to get you bastards.

[laughs in a mad way]

Derek: What are you dirty hooers doing on my planet?

Frank: This isn't gonna be another false alarm like the Manor Street invasion over there, is it?

Derek: Well, how do you explain the disappearance of an entire township, Frank? Oh! The Kiwi Jonestown, of course, that's it! Drinking beer laced with cyanide from little polystyrene cups.

[after chainsawing through an alien's head, falling inside and exiting between its legs]

Derek: I'm born again!

Barry: I knew it was a mistake to issue weapons. We're a government department not a paramilitary unit!

Derek: Yeah, the Astro Investigation and Defence Service!

Ozzy: Wish we'd change that name!

Derek: The headshot's the only true stopper.

Derek: Eat lead sucker!

[first lines]

Derek: Hand over the milk money, Weaver.

Mitch: I'm afraid I can't do that, Derek. I'm just not sure you'll spend it on milk.

Derek: [shocked by Victoria's critique of his penis] Little?

Victoria English: Tiny... like a baby's dick.

Derek: Is this some kind of joke?

[talking about all the people coming to watch him and Elly May wrestle]

Elly May: Well, come on, baby. Let's wrestle.

[grins at Derek]

Elly May: This here's what I call the Clampett Clamp.

[During the match,to Derek while she choking him with a headlock]

Derek: [Grunts] That's not legal.

Elly May: [Confused look] Really? Well, try this one.

[Pushes Derek to the mat face flat]

Derek: I'm better looking then you why doesn't that kind of shit happen to me?

Derek: It's history. It's over. The past is past.

Stacy: [Referring to Lulu] That's before the past was a supermodel that barfed quietly.

Derek: You know, I don't pry into your old boyfriends.

Stacy: Here's a little tip: I never dated Brad Pitt.

Derek: [phone message] Listen, I left my Palm at home. I need you to go through it and get me some numbers. Take care.

Stacy: [excited] Palm?

Stacy: [to Bob the dog] Did you hear that, Bob? Derek left his Palm at home.

[gets up, with mock concern]

Stacy: Guess we'll have to look for it.

Stacy: [Starts looking, still talking to Bob] If I were a Palm, where would I be? If we were Palms, where would we be, Bob?

[Still searching]

Stacy: Where is it? Where could it be right now? He asked for it. Where could it be?

Stacy: [Finds the Palm] Luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Okay, Bob? Life's about certainty. It's about being in control.

Stacy: [opens the Palm, sees a password is needed for access] Password, password, password. What would his password be?

[Looks up at Bob, realizing his name is the password]

Stacy: Thank you!

Derek: [explaining why he is breaking up with her] Look, it's my fault. I just can't commit to anything in my life.

Gwyn Marcus: Why do you assume that it's you? May be I have a fear of commitment, you know? May be I have the Peter Pan syndrome?

Derek: You can't be a Peter Pan. Only men are Peter Pans.

Gwyn Marcus: Well, actually, most of the great Peter Pans in history were played by women.

Derek: What is that supposed to mean? You're seeing someone else too?

Archie Long: Well, Derek... Am I hot?

Derek: You're practically on fire.

Derek: Our colors are cherry, peach, lime, olive, and avocado.

Archie Long: I don't want to eat the suit, I just want to wear it.

Darcy: Oh my god. I think these are street people. I saw a whole Sally Jessie on them.

Derek: Oh, dude. That is no street person.

Johnathan: That's the guy from the Color Green.

Darcy: The color what?... What color?

Johnathan: Green.

Derek: You will never be this this young, this cool, this careless, or this carefree ever again.

Madelyn: It's... it's scary. Why? We've been the adults for a long time.

Derek: Hmmm. Maybe because we're next?

Madelyn: Do I feel more mortal? Yes. But little, little, little, little too. Y'know? Like a kid who can't go home when she screws up because home just died in her sleep.

Derek: So, do YOU have a daddy complex or does Colton?

Doug: How do you know about daddy complexes?

Derek: I'm a therapist. I deal with a lot of strippers.

Heather: Are you cheating on me?

Derek: Noooo

Heather: So you're not cheating on me?

Derek: You're starting to annoy me.

Derek: I just wish they sold the dry stuff. This canned food may give Panucci the squirts.

Derek: "Stepps" ain't no square dance.

Sara: That's okay, I'll dance in circles, probably around you.

Derek: Do you get along with your dad? You tight and shit?

Sara: Yeah, we're "tight and shit"; our DNA matches.

Derek: Ain't nobody watchin' you but me.

Derek: So was that a good night as in, "I'll bust a cap in your ass if you ever darken my doorstep again"?

Sara: No! No, I would never - um, bust a cap in your ass.

[about Malakai]

Sara: So you're not down with the things he does, but you're still down with him? That makes perfect sense. I understand.

Derek: He's my friend, Sara. You don't have to understand.

Derek: You can do it. Sara, you were born to do it.

Sara: Screw you, I'm brilliant and cool.

Derek: You're not quite there yet.

Derek: Come on, act like you a nasty bitch.

Sara: A lot of people read them.

Derek: People like who? Like you?

[pause]

Derek: Didn't think so.

Derek: Let's put some S-E-X in those H-I-Ps!

Derek: Yeah, but six months here gotta be better than six up the juvie.

Malakai: Yeah, they got girls in here.

Sydney: 300 people watched. Nobody did anything. They thought it was a publicity for Christ sakes.

Randy: [Speaking in a British accent humorously] And it would have been a good one too.

Sydney: It's starting again, Randy.

Randy: It's not. A lot of shit happens at the movies. People get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Movie theaters are very dangerous places to be these days.

Sydney: [persistent] Yeah, and you are in extreme denial.

Randy: You should be too. This has nothing to do with us.

Sydney: [frantic] Randy! A guy in a ghost mask hacked up two people in a movie theater filming our life story.

Randy: Coincidence?

Sydney: You know what happened at Woodsboro, Randy. You can't ignore it.

Randy: [speaking normally now] I know, Sid, and I don't want to go back there again. Can't we just go back to our pseudo-quasi happy existence?

[Derek, Sydney's boyfriend catches up with them]

Randy: HELLO DEREK, how you doing?

Derek: [kisses Sydney] Hi Sid, I heard you weren't in class.

Sydney: Yeah I know. I skipped it because I couldn't take the "Death to her" looks.

Derek: Is there anything I could do?

Sydney: Yeah, do you have any tricks for getting back to a pseudo-quasi happy existence?

Derek: [thinking decisively] You know? I might just have one for that.

Randy: Oh yeah, what is that?

[Derek turns to Sydney, brings her in for a couple romantic kisses while Randy looks away, jealous & embarrassed]

Sydney: [smiles] That was pretty good.

[Derek & Sydney walk away]

Randy: Get a room.

Derek: I am gonna fucking kill you! FUCKING KILL YOU! You are dead! DEAD!

Derek: Oh thank god Sidney, I thought I was gonna be up there until opening night.

Sydney: Oh shit, the killer is here. He killed Hallie, he's here. Shit, who tied these?

Derek: What are you talking about?

Sydney: The killer! He's here!

Derek: Where?

Phone Voice: Right here.

[pause; heavy, deep breaths]

Phone Voice: You're fast, Sid.

[Sidney resumes trying to untie Derek]

Phone Voice: I wouldn't do that if I were you. You really want to trust your boyfriend?

Mickey: Don't you know, history repeats itself? Hmm, Sid?

[removes mask to reveal Mickey; uses voice-changer]

Phone Voice, Mickey: Surprise, Sidney.

Derek: What the fuck?

Mickey: Since Derek here disappeared on my ass, I've been on my own, all fucking night. Thanks a lot, partner.

Derek: You motherfucker! Sid, you know me better than that. Untie me.

Sydney: Oh my god, Derek!

Derek: No, no, no... Sid.

Mickey: It's okay, Derek. We got her.

Derek: No, no, Sid, listen to me. You know me better than that. He's lying.

Mickey: What do you think, Derek? Sidney's experiencing a little deja vu?

Mickey: Sid, he's lying! The man is lying! Sid, untie me! Untie me!

Mickey: Hmm. Boyfriend, killer. Boyfriend, killer. Boyfriend, killer.

Derek: No, I am gonna fucking kill you! You are dead! Dead!...

[Mickey shoots Derek in the chest, near heart]

Derek: [from trailer] I don't wanna stop the trip

Clif: You're freaking me out man just sto

[Derek loses his cool and punches the wall, giving it very bad damage]

Clif: [from trailer] You should be at the Hospital

Derek: There's nothing they can do

Derek: [from trailer] I need to find Audrey... It starts with her.

[last lines]

Derek: This ends with you two dead

Derek: How old was Georgia? She was six years old! For every year she was alive, I'm going to torture you for a day. And when I say torture, I mean I am going to cause you so much FUCKING pain, you're going to wish you were never born! The only thing I want to hear coming out of your mouth, is the screams from the pain I'm causing you!

Derek: I know what you did to my daughter, you sick prick! You killed Georgia because you were mad at me and Collen. What the fuck is wrong with you? And she wasn't the only one, there were others. You're a child rapist. Killer. Pedophile. Your SCUM!

Derek: You make me angry. But I like you very much.

Thor: [in pain on the hospital bed, and being surged] The captain should have let me kill you when I had a chance!

Derek: And why didn't he? I saw him stop you when you fired at me.

Thor: Because... because he just learned that... that you are the son of our leader.

Captain: Morrow! Go below and bring up the young gargon specimen. Now the decision depends on its reactions.

Derek: Wait, Captain. I have found evidence of intelligent beings on this planet!

Thor: Of what concern of foreign beings?

Derek: Of none to you, Thor! Just as you were so unconcerned when you destroyed this small creature, so bravely!

Thor: It was no more than an insect.

Derek: But it had life. And that life you had to take to satisfy your endless hunger for killing.

Derek: Betty, when you learn where I'm from, well... you will not understand but, I hope it will not make any difference between us because...

Betty Morgan: I Dont care where your from. I don't understand all this, but somehow I feel that I've always known you. That we've never been apart!

Betty Morgan: You won't be going back ever, will you?

Derek: I shall make the earth my home, and I shall never, never leave it.

[Derek turns around in surprise and grabs Candace by her throat]

Derek: Don't ever fucking sneak up on me.

Candace: Quit fucking around.

[pushes Derek to the ground and proceeds to mount him]

Derek: Candace, I didn't know you cared.

Candace: I don't, I just want to fuck.

Bennett: [upon hearing about UFO sightings on the radio] These people watch too much television.

Derek: Yeah..."The Outer Limits".

Bennett: [after hearing alien noises in the woods] It didn't sound like any animal I ever heard. It sounded... unearthly.

Derek: You wouldn't know the difference between a brown bear and a hoot owl if it came up and bit you on the ass!

Derek: An invasion! We're witnessing the beginnings of an invasion!

Bennett: Well we know what they like to eat.

Derek: Yeah... us.

Derek: [taking pictures of "devastation" and nature] Wow! It's like a page right out of history.

Bennett: Yeah... a real boring page!

Derek: T, sup girl. Sole, malo man.

Albert: Who you calling "sole"?

Derek: Hound dog in the fale.

Albert: Derek start speaking your own language, you come from Glenfield.

Derek: Sole man, I'm down. My boys growing up on my block, P.I. and proud represent. G-g-g- Gfield.

Albert: G-g-g Glenfield. Not Gfield.

Derek: Word. T, my crews hitting the Muddy Farmer after work. You up girl?

Albert: This will be your crew from the claims department.

Derek: Sole don't be a hater, be a player congratulator.

Derek: When you come to my fale you check what you bringing at the door.

Albert: Bringing what?

Derek: That.

Albert: WHAT?

Derek: That attitude. You check that at the door or yo get my jandel on yo mouf!

Derek: Albert.

Albert: Derek.

Derek: Sole man, where you going?

Albert: Inside to talk to Tanya and stop calling me Sole, alright?

Derek: Why?

Albert: What do you mean why? Cause you're white not Samoan.

Derek: Nah, I mean why you wanna talk to Tanya?

Albert: That's none of your business.

Derek: [looks strangely at Albert] You disrespecting me?

Albert: [laughing] Hey?

Derek: Comin on my turf, getting all up on my girl. Sole man, you know how we do it in the hood.

[Sefa and the gang laugh]

Michael: [laughing] Just hit the prick Albert.

Albert: Derek, this is not a Michael Jaskson video okay? So stop being a dick and get out of my way.