Lil Quotes in Johnny Dangerously (1984)

Lil: Get this to Johnny on the grapevine. Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the savoy theater tomorrow night. Got it?

Polly the parrot: Got it.

[flies away]

Polly the parrot: [arrives at prison mess hall and lands on the shoulder of a prisoner] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater. Pass it on.

Prisoner: [to the next prisoner sitting next to him] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on.

Prisoner: [to the next prisoner, "telephone" style] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's mother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on.

Prisoner: [to the next prisoner] Vermin's mother is going to kill Johnny tonight at the Savoy theater. Pass it on.

Prisoner: [to the next prisoner]

[unintelligible]

Prisoner: ... at the Savoy. Pass it on.

Prisoner: There's a message through the grapevine, Johnny.

Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? What is it?

Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playing "Stompin' at the Savoy" in Vermont tonight.

Johnny Dangerously: Vermin's going to kill my brother at the Savoy theater tonight.

Prisoner: I didn't say that.

Johnny Dangerously: No, but I know this grapevine.

Johnny Dangerously: The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously.

Lil: Did you know you're last name is an adverb?

Ma Kelly: You've gotten to be like a daughter to me and I wanna share somethin' with ya.

Lil: Awww, what's that Mom Kelley?

Ma Kelly: I go both ways.

Lil: Oh.

Lil: So when I was 18 I left home and came here to Chicago.

Johnny Dangerously: Uh Lil, this ain't Chicago. We're in New York.

Lil: You're kidding.

[pause]

Lil: Well, New York, Chicago, to a girl on her own, it's all the same.

Lil: And shelf paper! Oh, Johnny, I *love* shelf paper!

Johnny Kelly: Say kid, what do they call you?

Lil: Impressive.

Phil: I didn't know she could fly.

Lil: I think it's 'cause she's a witch.

[first lines]

Chuckie Finster: This place gives me the juice bumps.

Phil: Maybe we should go back.

Lil: Very back!

Tommy Pickles: No! We can't go back now, you guys! Okey-Dokey Jones never goes back!

Lil: We're taking Dil back to the hopsicle, Tommy. We're gonna get your moneys back.

Tommy Pickles: What? You can't do that. My mommy and daddy wanna keep him.

Chuckie Finster: See? See?

Phil: Why? All he does is cry and poop.

Tommy Pickles: So do you!

Phil: I don't cry *that* much.

Tommy Pickles: Well, you poop an awful lot!

Phil: Look who's talking, Mr. Chocolate Pants!

Tommy Pickles: I am not a poopie monster!

Phil: Thank Bob!

Lil: Thank you Bob!

Lil: I'm married to that bar. Hell, I'd, uh, I'd sleep there, if I had the guts to walk around barefoot. But that's me, you know. I'm the original coyote. Just a small town gal trying to make it in the big bad city.

Violet: Small town gal?

Lil: Piedmont, North Dakota. You ever tell anyone that, I'll kill ya.

Customer: So, basically you have...?

Lil: Jim, Jack, Johnny Red, Johnny Black, and Jose; all my favorite men. You can have it any way you like it, as long as it's in a shot glass.

Cammie: I'm Cammie, the Russian tease.

Violet: Violet, the Jersey nun.

Cammie: That one's Rachel, the New York bitch. We all play our little parts. Only Rachel really is a bitch, and I really am a tease.

Lil: Cammie, you can only be a tease if you stop sleepin' around, babe.

Cammie: Yeah, I keep forgetting that part!

Lil: That's Rachel, you can learn a lot from her.

Violet: She just cut some guy's ponytail off.

Lil: Yeah, the court ordered her to take anger-management classes after she pummeled a customer for grabbin' her ass. He pressed charges, I gave her a raise. Cheers!

Girl: Can I ask you somethin'?

Lil: What?

Girl: What - Oh, what does Coyote Ugly mean?

Lil: Did you ever wake up sober after a one night stand, and the person you're next to is layin' on your arm, and they're so ugly, you'd rather chew off your arm then risk waking 'em? That's coyote ugly.

Girl: My God. But, why would you name your bar after somethin' like that?

Lil: Oh, because Cheers was taken.

Guy: Now, shake it! Come on!

[Rachel scowls]

Lil: Don't do it, Rach. He's a big guy and you're still on probation.

Rachel: Don't worry, those classes are really paying off!

[slams the back of her fist into the guy's face]

Lil: I told ya not to break the rules.

Violet: What are you talking about?

Lil: I'm talking about you and your boyfriend making a scene in my bar. I'm talking about a friend of mine inside with a broken nose. The rules were simple, Jersey. I fired girls for a lot less.

Violet: What, so I can't have a boyfriend, now? What kind of stupid shit is that?

Lil: Hey, this place is my home. And I'm not willing to risk everything I have on your personal life. It's business, plain and simple.

Violet: This is not business. I work my ass off for you and you're supposed to be my friend!

Lil: I never said I was your friend. I'm your boss and you knew the rules like everybody else.

Violet: Will you stop with "the rules". It's a bar for Christ sake!

Lil: [hands Violet her guitar] Then what are you so upset about?

Rachel: Lil, do we serve water with our whiskey?

Lil: Only water I serve's got barley and hops in it. Hey everybody, do we serve water in this bar?

Everybody: Hell, no H2O!

Violet: I don't mean to press my luck, but would you mind telling me why you're hiring me?

Lil: Because, the, um, average male is walking around with a toddler inside of his pants, a two year old right there inside his dockers.

Violet: Men have two year old children in their pants - that's why you're hiring me?

Lil: You look like a kindergarden teacher. The kids'll love it.

Violet: Sorry I asked.

Lil: Let me guess: Piedmont, North Dakota.

Violet: South Amboy, New Jersey.

Lil: Same thing.

Violet: Do you have a reservation?

Lil: Uh, yeah, it's under, uh, "Cast Iron Heartless Bitch."

Violet: Could it be under "Stubborn and Pigheaded"?

Lil: Yes! That's the one.

Lil: Hey, everybody, shut up! I'd like you to meet my new girl, whose name is... Jersey! Jersey, is an ex kindergarten teacher, and a former nun, who just escaped from the convent, and is tired of being the only virgin in New York City! Would anyone like to buy her a drink?

Violet: Look, are you really the owner? 'Cause I've had a rough couple of days and so the last thing I need is some waitress on a power trip wastin' my time.

Lil: You start Friday night.

[Alan Swann has blundered into the wrong restroom]

Lil: This is for ladies only!

Alan Swann: [unzipping fly] So is *this*, ma'am, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it.

Lil: It was just important for us to know it hadn't gone away. That it was still alive. Christ, I felt like I would suffocate if I didn't have it.

Lil: Doctors say you'll live.

Ian: [scoffs] Do they have any good news?

Lil: You are the only one who hasn't behaved badly.

Roz: Then it probably *is* my fault.

Roz: Where are you going?

Ian: To your room.

[Ian leaves]

Lil: Ian!

[Lil looks slyly towards Tom]

Tom: [to Lil] See you at yours.

[closeup to Lil with lustful expressions]