Kumar Quotes in Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004)

Derek: Here's my ride, designed it myself, Gucci interior, plasma flat screen, DVD, surround sound, GPS navigation system, and riding shotgun, my right hand man Kumar.

Kumar: What up Mr. Banks, it is a bit young.

Derek: And to top it off... whooo, I got the fastest system in all of London

[he begins playing music but Cody shuts it off]

Cody Banks: Of course, everytime you turn that on you risk blowing your cover and putting yourself and all your men in danger.

Derek: Nany, nany, Nah. You know what your problem is Banks, your too darn old, act like a kid, that's why they recruited you

[he plays the music agian]

Cody Banks: How come I get a retainer and a clarinet and James Bond gets a Aston Martin?

Kumar: All in good time double "O" junior.

Kumar: [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you?

Harold: Kumar?

Kumar: Hey, are the cops still here?

[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park]

Harold: What the hell are you doing?

Kumar: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.

Harold: Jesus Christ! What'd you do that for?

Kumar: I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.

Kumar: [walks up to a bush and starts peeing] Ahh.

[Creepy Guy walks up out of nowhere and starts peeing right next to him]

Kumar: 'Scuse me, I just...

Creepy Guy: Huh?

Kumar: I have to ask you, why'd you... wha... wha... why are you peeing... right here?

Creepy Guy: What?

Kumar: I mean... why'd you pee right next to me when you could like, choose that bush, or...

Creepy Guy: Well, this bush looked like I should pee on it. Why are you peeing on it?

Kumar: Well, no one was here when I chose this bush.

Creepy Guy: Oh, so you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh?

Kumar: No, it's just... I just...

Creepy Guy: This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush?

Kumar: No, I just thought that...

Creepy Guy: You the king of the forest?

Kumar: I'm sorry?

Creepy Guy: What?

Creepy Guy: You fuckin' tree-hugger. IS THIS YOUR SPECIAL BUSH?

Kumar: Never mind. Forget it, I really don't feel like gettin' stabbed tonight.

[they pee in silence for a bit]

Creepy Guy: [quietly] Nice pubes.

Kumar: [pauses, creeped out] Thanks.

Harold: [yelling] How is that not the worse news?

Kumar: [calmly] The laptop situation really only affects you, whereas the White Castle situation affects us both equally.

Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?

Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.

Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!

Harold: Huh?

Neil Patrick Harris: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle.

Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.

[sings]

Neil Patrick Harris: Lapdance...

Kumar: [pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonaa see if I can get some directions.

Neil Patrick Harris: You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.

[they park, pause]

Neil Patrick Harris: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry...

Kumar: Look, chill.

Harold: We'll be right back, Neil.

[they exit the car]

Harold: Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?

Harold: Dude, where's my car?

Kumar: Where's his car, dude?

Freakshow: What the hell are you doing with my wife?

Harold: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!

Kumar: Shit! Shit!

Freakshow: I most certainly did not!

Harold: Yes you did!

Freakshow: Did not!

Kumar: Yes you did!

Freakshow: Oh, no, I didn't.

Kumar: You did, you did.

Freakshow: You sure...?

Harold: You said it!

Freakshow: [laughing] My mistake! Well, since we're all here... How 'bout a four-some?

Burger Shack Employee: Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... just makes me want to burn this motherfucker down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.

Kumar: You can always get your work done in the car.

Harold: Let's do it.

Kumar: All right. Awesome. Then listen, listen - no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?

Harold: Agreed.

[shakes Kumar's hand then gives him pound]

Burger Shack Employee: Wise choice. You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.

[Harold and Kumar show disgusted look, employee then bursts out laughing]

Harold: [Smirks] Semen.

Burger Shack Employee: Animal semen.

[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]

Kumar: Roldy! Roldy! dude, you gotta come quick. There is these two filthy pussies just aching to get boned by us!

[silence]

Kumar: I mean... duh... that there are these two lovely young pussies who would like to have a chat with you and I.

Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?

Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.

Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores!

Kumar: Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

Kumar: [sniffs] Hey, what's that smell?

Harold: What smell? Kumar...

Kumar: [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]

Harold: Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you...

[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana]

Harold: Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!

Kumar: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick.

Neil Patrick Harris: [looks down to count money] Here's 50 for the meal, and 200 for the car.

Harold: What happened to my car?

Neil Patrick Harris: I made some love stains in the back. You'll see...

Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!

Kumar: We're not low!

Freakshow: Go on inside, boys, and make yourselves at home. You can rest up, get something to drink, fuck my wife, whatever you want. Just don't do anything the good lord would'nt do.

Kumar: [walking away with Harold] Dude am I going deaf or did he just say we could fuck his wife?

Harold: [riding a cheetah] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?

Kumar: Both.

Kumar: So she's kinda fucking cute. Let her touch your penis.

Kumar: I forgot my cell phone.

Harold: You wanna run back and get it?

[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]

Kumar: No, we've gone too far.

Kumar: How were Katie Holmes' tits?

Goldstein: You know the Holocaust?

Kumar: Yeah?

Goldstein: Picture the opposite of that!

Kumar: Nice!

Officer Palumbo: What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that five o's or two u's?

Kumar: No, it's actually one "u"

Officer Palumbo: Yeah, bullshit.

Harold: [awakening from dream after being hit on head] What the hell are you doing? Gawd!

Kumar: You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up.

Harold: If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?

Kumar: It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?

Harold: Are those my scissors? Dude, I trim my nose hair with those!

Kumar: Dude, I've been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.

Kumar: Let's find us some tunes baby,

[finds a blank tape]

Kumar: Cole's extreme mix volume 5, what is this shit?

[puts in the tape and "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" begins to play]

Kumar: [laughing] These guys are fucking posers!

Dr. Patel: [to Kumar] I hope you are here to apologize for what you did at your interview this afternoon.

Saikat Patel: What the hell's wrong with you, Kumar? God! You're, like, 22 years old. I mean, when are you going to stop this post-college rebel baloney? Like your life's so hard.

Kumar: Eat my balls, Saikat.

Dr. Patel: I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off!

Kumar: Dad, come on.

Dr. Patel: Daddy is not coming on anything! You will be there, and you will behave. I have put too much time and energy into you to let you go and fuck it all up!

Harold: ...The universe tends to unfold as it should.

Kumar: What is that? Some fortune cookie?

Harold: I want that.

Kumar: What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?

Harold: No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!

Kumar: Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Harold: We gotta go to White Castle.

Kumar: YES! YES! I knew you had it in you dude!

Kumar: I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.

Harold: C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.

Kumar: Just say no. That's all it takes.

Kumar: Here.

[hands Harold the joint]

Kumar: Take a hit of that.

Hippie Student: [Kumar trying to buy pot] Here, that's sixt - 80 bucks.

Kumar: 80 bucks?

Hippie Student: Yeah, 80 bucks.

Kumar: Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!

Hippie Student: Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. ok, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.

Kumar: What kind of a hippie are you?

Hippie Student: What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.

Kumar: Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.

Harold: Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.

Kumar: Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.

[2 guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons]

Harold, Kumar: Holy shit!

[assailants stop beating up 2 guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the 2 men lay on the ground moaning]

Harold: Let's get the fuck outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!

Kumar: Yeah, that was your fault.

Harold: Fuck you.

Kumar: Fuck you.

Harold: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man.

Kumar: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to... Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow!

Harold: Shut up, man. It's a classic.

Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.

Kumar: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Kumar: [in surgery] Hang on a second, nurse. What we should probably use is marijuana. That'll sufficiently sedate the patient for surgery.

Male Nurse: Marijuana?... But why?

Kumar: We don't have time for questions. We need marijuana now, as much of it as possible! Like a big bag of it.

Kumar: [whispering to Harold] Check out those boils on his neck! You gotta look! One of them is actually pulsating!

Harold: [whispering] Will you shut up? He's right next to me! He can hear you!

Kumar: [whispering] Ugh! Now there's some sort of Puss! Just look!

Harold: [Harold looks at Freakshow's neck]

Kumar: [whispering] See? Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever seen?

Harold: [whispering] You think that just because you're whispering he can't hear what you are saying? He's two feet away from us! He can hear this entire conversation! He can hear me talking... right now!

Kumar: [whispering] Don't worry about it, he can't hear anything. Not with all that crust in his ear.

[brief pause]

Freakshow: I heard everything you said.

Kumar: Hey, why don't you leave that guy alone and go jerk off to some snowboarding videos or something?

Kumar: So where you going to go now, Neil?

Neil Patrick Harris: [puts on sunglasses] Wherever God takes me!

Kumar: [about Doogie Howser, M.D] So, I gotta ask you Neil, did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set?

Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show.

Kumar: Even the chick who played the hot nurse?

Neil Patrick Harris: No... I didn't go all the way with her.

Harold: Is there... is there a problem, Officer... Palumbo?

Officer Palumbo: Is there a problem? Have you heard of jaywalking?

Harold: Yes, I have. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again.

Officer Palumbo: That's great. I'm writing you up a ticket.

Kumar: A ticket? Are you serious?

Officer Palumbo: Who the fuck are you, shitwad?

Kumar: [notices the ticket fee] $220? Are you crazy? Excuse me, Officer sir! Let me just take a few guesses here!

Harold: [stands in front of Kumar, pleading to the officer] I'm really sorry for this...

Officer Palumbo: No sudden movements! Back it up!

Kumar: You were probably the big asshole in high school, right?

Officer Palumbo: Absolutely right.

Kumar: And you used to pick on guys like us everyday for fun?

Officer Palumbo: With pleasure.

Kumar: But then graduation day came! We went to college, while you went nowhere. And then you began to think to yourself, "Gee. How can I still give them grief? Oh, I know, I'll just become a cop." Yeah? Well, congratulations! Your dream has come true! Now, why don't you just take this quiet little Asian guy with the American name that treats you so well and give him some more tickets or better just take him to jail.

Officer Palumbo: Even better.

[to Harold]

Officer Palumbo: You're going downtown thanks to your friend here.

Kumar: [to Harold, mockingly] Oh, great American name, Harold!

Harold: [lunges his fist toward Kumar, but misses and strikes Officer Palumbo in the face] Yaaah!

Officer Palumbo: Huh.

[spits his gum out, angrily]

Harold: [placed in jail with a blank expression on his face] Oh, shoot.

Kumar: Thank you, come again!

Kumar: Shotgun anus!

Harold: I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes.

Kumar: I want the same except make mine diet cokes.

Kumar: Hey Roldy?

Harold: What?

Kumar: There's something I forgot to tell you.

Harold: What?

Kumar: I never hang-glided before.

Harold: WHAT?

Kumar: Well, congratu-fuckin'-lations, your dream has come true!

Kumar: Dude, am I going deaf or did he just say we could fuck his wife?

Kumar: [licking Harold's face]

Harold: Ah! AH! What the hell are you doing?

Kumar: You've been out cold for the past half hour, I figured if I did some gay shit you'd wake up.

Freakshow: Go on inside, boys, and make yourselves at home. You can rest up, get something to drink, fuck my wife, whatever you want. Just don't do anything Jesus wouldn't!

Kumar: [starts walking away with Harold] Did he just say we could fuck his wife?

Kumar: [in surgery] We should give this man some marijuana. Nurse! Get all the medical marijuana you can! Like a big bag of it?

Male Nurse: Marijuana?... But why?

Kumar: Kumar: My names Kumar.

Freakshow: Freakshow:

[Lifts hand in the air, immediately, whilst still watching the road]

Freakshow: How are you, Kenny?

Kumar: Kumar:

[Confused, by this over reaction]

Kumar: Um... And this is Harold.

Freakshow: Freakshow: Hi, Gerald how are you?

Kumar: Excuse me officer. Let me take a couple of guesses. You were probably the big asshole in your high school, right?

Officer Martone: Absolutely right.

Kumar: Used to pick on guys like us every day, right?

Officer Martone: With pleasure.

Kumar: Then graduation day came, and we went to college, and you went nowhere, and you thought, "Hey, how can I still give them shit? I know, I'll become a cop."

Kumar: [spits] Bitch! Learn how to fuckin' make coffee, you fucking whore!

[Kumar butts to the front of the line and is now on Santa's lap]

Mother in Santa line-up: HEY! Back of the line, Tech Support!

Kumar: Take it easy, Reba. Your little boy can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute!

Kumar: [Upon being asked to go to a Christmas Eve party] No can do man. I have to stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.

Kumar: You have a good job, you make good money, and you don't beat your wife. What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for?

Harold: You still haven't explained the gay thing.

Kumar: You're not gay, motherfucker!

Harold: At all.

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah that's something us magicians like to call misdirection. Just a little something I picked up from my man, Clay Aiken.

Kumar: What? Clay Aiken's not gay?

Neil Patrick Harris: Are you kidding me? Clay's the biggest coos hound I know. That guy gets mad gash.

Kumar: Uh, miss, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve.

Kumar: I haven't shaved since you left. Pretty romantic, right? Like Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook."

Kumar: Man, I blew it. I blew it, man.

Anthony: Kumar, what were you doing in the freezer?

Kumar: I don't know, man, I lose my touch, man.

Dignan: Did you ever have a touch to lose, man?

Kumar: Who's that man?

Dignan: That's Applejack, come on Kumar!

Kumar: What Kumar... a love letter?

Kumar: Sex Story. "Malgova Aunty"

[last lines]

Guy Hamilton: Kumar, I am sorry.

Kumar: Don't worry. We're going to win, because we believe in something.

Guy Hamilton: Goodbye, Kumar.

Kumar: Think of me Guy, when you are sitting in some nice cafe in Europe. In my dreams, I am always sitting at the table, by the footpath, drinking coffee.

Guy Hamilton: Good Luck.

Kumar: Now go, quickly!

Kumar: You in old Java now, Boss.

Kumar: For my father, I'll play the beggar.