Dave Quotes in Ant-Man (2015)

Scott Lang: [Demonstrating his Ant-Man suit to his crew for the first time] Now, look. This is gonna get weird, all right? It's pretty freaky, but it's safe. There's no reason to be scared.

Luis: Oh, no no. Daddy don't get scared.

Scott Lang: Really?

Luis: Yeah.

Scott Lang: Good.

[Closes his helmet and pushes the button that shrinks him]

Kurt: [Gasps, jumps out of chair] This is the work of gypsies!

Dave: That's witchcraft!

Luis: [Keeping his cool] That's amazing. That's like some David Copperfield shit!

Dave: That's wizardry!

Kurt: Sorcery!

Luis: How'd you do that, bro?

Scott Lang: Don't freak out, look at your shoulder.

Luis: [Looks at his shoulder, starts screaming, and runs out of the room] Get if off! Get it off!

Scott Lang: I thought Daddy didn't get scared!

Luis: How serious are we talkin' Scotty?

Scott Lang: [Looking at a safe] It's a Carbondale. It's from 1910, made from the same steel as the Titanic.

Luis: Wow. Can you crack it?

Scott Lang: Well, here's the thing, it doesn't do so well with cold. Remember what that iceberg did?

Luis: Yeah man, it killed DiCaprio.

Dave: Killed everyone.

Kurt: Did not kill the old lady. She still throw the jewel into the oceans.

Dave: Baskin-Robbins don't play!

Dave: What do you think you're doing?

Bulk: We're from the Angel Grove Building Inspectors Office

Skull: That building's supposed to be over there.

Bulk: Yeah, and what's that man doing over there without proper foot protection?

Skull: Who's in charge around here, huh?

Bulk: Huh?

Skull: Huh?

Bulk: Huh?

Skull: Huh?

Dave: [holding shoes Balthazar has just given him] These are old-man shoes.

Balthazar: Excuse me?

Dave: [having noticed that Balthazar is wearing the same style of shoe] I love them... a lot.

Balthazar: Clear your mind!

Dave: [under attack by a dragon] Clear my mind? Are you insane?

[Balthazar thinks, then holds up his fingers an inch apart]

Dave: Little bit.

Balthazar: I had a dream. You were insulting me, Dave. Repeatedly.

Dave: Me? Pretty weird, huh?

Balthazar: No. Kinda makes sense.

Dave: Alright Rebecca, here it is: Many evil sorcerers will be raised from the dead tonight. So basically Morgana is trying to destroy the world as we know it.

Becky Barnes: Oh, just that.

Dave: This is really dangerous... I can't bring you into it.

Becky Barnes: Well, I think I'm already into it. And besides, if you blow it we're all gonna die anyway, right? I wanna come with you.

Dave: You're sexy.

Dave: So, do you wanna meet up, uh, later, 8 o'clock, in my lab?

Becky Barnes: Yeah... Yeah, that'd be great.

Dave: With me?

Becky Barnes: With you, yes!

[laugh]

Dave: Makin' sure.

Balthazar: This is the Merlin Circle. It focuses your energy, helps you master new spells. It is where you will learn the Art. Step inside, you leave everything else behind. Once you enter, there is no going back.

Dave: So I should probably pee first?

[last lines]

Dave: Uh, Becky, there's something I forgot to mention to you. I really have no idea how to land this thing...

Balthazar: Keep it subtle. Civilians mustn't know magic exists. That would be complicated.

Dave: Says the guy in the 350-year-old rawhide trenchcoat.

Dave: [singing] I got a date with a girl, 'cause I'm... awesome!

Dave: [trying to explain his feelings to Becky] These coils are my life. Two years I'm down here working with them, and they're making their own music, and it was lost on me. I was never able to appreciate it... until I met you. And I heard you talking about music on your radio show...

[Dave groans]

Dave: I'm sappy.

Dave: This is crazy!

Balthazar: [grins] But it *is* fun.

Dave: I don't actually know who you are.

Drake Stone: Really, do you not recognize me?

Dave: Are you in Depeche Mode?

[Drake attacks Dave]

Becky Barnes: [in a touching moment] Something about you seems different.

Dave: I'm wearing new shoes.

Dave: I'm afraid of flying on planes!

Balthazar: Well, today's your lucky day, 'cause I brought an eagle.

Balthazar: I have been searching all over the world for you. You're going to be a force for good and a very important sorcerer. But for now, you're my apprentice

Dave: [stunned] I'm a what?

Dave: Knock Knock.

Paul Hodges: Don't do it Jim.

Dave: Do it.

Paul Hodges: If you respect our partnership Jim don't do it.

Dave: Do it.

Jimmy Monroe: Who's there?

Dave: Orange.

Paul Hodges: No. No. Huh Huh. No. No! No! No! Hell No! NO! NO! I refuse to... No! No! Alright Orange who damn it?

Dave: Orange you pissed that your wife is taking it in the ass from another guy right now?

Dave: This is police brutality.

Jimmy Monroe: Not yet...

Dave: Hey. Do you wanna be my jail cell BFF, without the forced rape?

Dave: Did you just fall down from the stairs?

Jimmy Monroe: [lying] No!

Dave: Bend is just up ahead. That's where we might get the treatment.

Leander: Well if we do, remember there's no chickens in this coupe.

Dave: You know it's funny. There you are, laying there like a loser but yet you've got all the chips in front of you. You busted the game Leander.

Gru: I have accepted a new job.

Margo: Whoa! Really?

Gru: Yes, I have been recruited by a top secret agency to go undercover and save the world!

Edith: You're gonna be a spy?

Gru: *That's* right, baby! Gru's back in the game with gadgets and weapons and cool cars! The whole deal!

Edith: [amazed] Awesome!

Agnes: Are you really gonna save the world?

Gru: [coolly] Yes.

[puts on a pair of sunglasses]

Gru: Yes, I am.

Dave: [copies him] Mocha!

Tim: [wearing an old Dutch beard and tie] Cacao!

Stuart: [dresses like Pippi Longstocking] Papadum? Eh,

[chuckles]

[from trailer]

Alvin: When I say "party", you say "Alvin". Party!

Party People: Alvin!

Alvin: Party!

Party People: Alvin!

Alvin: Party!

Dave: [unplugs the plug of the dance floor] ALVIIIIIIN!

Party Guy: You said that in a non-party way, man.

Alvin: Woah, buzzkill.

Dave: Hey, no smiling. You're still grounded. Remember?

Dave: Do not smile. You guys are grounded in Miami and when we get back to L.A.

Dave: Charlize, they're on the ray! Helen, hunt them down! William, hurt them! Halle, bury them! Hugh! Jack! Man the battle stations! Kevin! Bake on! We're still going to need that victory cake!

Dave: Nicolas! Cage them!

Skipper: Debbie!

Kowalski: Dave.

Skipper: Dave!

Corporal: He hacked into our system.

[There's no sound onscreen as Dave speaks]

Eva: Where's the sound?

Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on.

Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.

Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens.

Dave: Hello?

[the screen goes off]

Dave: Hello?

Kowalski: But, now we can hear you.

Short Fuse: So annoying!

Kowalski: But we cannot see.

Short Fuse: Every time!

Classified: It's like talking to my parents.

Dave: Drew! Barry! More power!

Dave: The only thing that has kept me going all these years is my BURNING thirst for revenge...

[Skipper and Kowalski are confused]

Dave: ...and my precious souvenir snow globe collection.

[sees Rico swallowing all of his snow globes]

Dave: [groans] What is WRONG with you?

Rico: [mumbles] I dunno.

Dave: [holding a microphone] I'M HAPPY! And yet...

[realizes his revenge succeeded]

Dave: Now, that I have my revenge, I feel... empty. As if, what I needed all along was... MORE REVENGE! In fact, Robin, write this down. Tomorrow, we move on: Kittens, then Puppies, Bunnies, Pandas...

[he sees the Penguins' using his ray, gasping, then is angry]

Dave: [talking to his minions on the microphone] Charlize, they're on the ray!

[he runs and rips off his human disguise]

Dave: Helen, hunt them down! William, hurt them! Halle, bury them! Hugh! Jack! Man the battle stations! Kevin! Bake on! We're still going to need that victory cake!

[as Dave prepares to use his ray on Private]

Kowalski: You're the monster!

Dave: [angrily] Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me every day in my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves YOU when YOU'RE the monster!

Skipper: [Dave drops from the ceiling in human disguise] Who are you?

Dave: The humans know me as Doctor Octavius Brine, renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives... but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hoped you'd never hear again. A PHANTOM! A shadow of a former life! I... AM...

[rips off disguise, but wig remains on his head]

Dave: Dave!

Skipper: [Whispers] Kowalski?

Kowalski: [Whispers back] Sorry, sir, no clue.

Dave: [Looks up, sees the wig on his head, and pulls it off] Dave!

Skipper: Dave?

Kowalski: Dave...?

Dave: Dave!

Private: [Smiles] Dave!

Dave: [Annoyed] DA-VUH!

Rico: [Rolls his eyes] Bleh.

Dave: [fixes the video connection] How about now?

Private: Hurray!

Classified: Yes! Way to go, looks fantastic!

Dave: Excellent! Now, where was I?

[laughs maniacally]

Kowalski: Dave!

Short Fuse: Grrrr!

Dave: Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo-mates.

Skipper: We were never "mates." There was no mating.

Classified: Turn yourself in, David. You are powerless now that I have stolen your precious Medusa Serum.

Skipper: What? You didn't steal that!

Classified: It's over.

Dave: It's over?

[mock-confusion]

Dave: Then... why did I call you? Wierd. OH! Maybe it was to show you *this*!

[turns camera to reveal a large vat of Medusa Serum]

Kowalski: [collective gasp from everyone] That is a lot of serum for four penguins.

Dave: Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No, no-no-no-no. We're just getting started.

[takes a selfie]

Dave: Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... FOR REVENGE!

[hits button, buzzer sounds. hits button again, same result]

Dave: Wait. How do you...?

Squid: [gurgles instructions]

Dave: What do I push?

Squid: [points and gurgles]

Dave: Is it the red, or...

Squid 2: [points, gurgles, and slaps own head in frustration]

Dave: I thought it was... it's not this -

[screen goes black]

HAL-9000: What is going to happen?

Dave: Something wonderful.

HAL-9000: I'm afraid.

Dave: Don't be. We'll be together.

HAL-9000: Where will we be?

Dave: Where I am now.

Dave: Take the suit off, then.

Ian: I can't.

Dave: Why not?

Ian: I'm not wearing anything under it.

[sees an island]

Ian: Look!

Dave: It's okay. I believe you.

Ian: No, look!

Dave: [looking for the chipmunks] Alvin! Britney!

Ian: Chubby one! Girl chubby one!

Dave: All right, Ian get everyone to the raft. If the volcano blows before I make it out of here, you have to promise me you'll-...

Ian: Leave without you. Got it!

Dave: Simon?

Simon: I wasn't betting. Honest!

Casino Guy: Your winnings, sir.

Gina Morrison: [Dave is looking at a picture of Gina's late husband.] Captain?

Dave: Yes?

Gina Morrison: That's my husband. He was a captain with the Navy.

Dave: I am a captain.

Gina Morrison: Really? A captain of what?

[Inside the ship, Number 3 looks something up.]

Dave: I am a captain of crunch.

[in an alley outside Gina's apartment sometime after she hits Dave with her car]

Gina Morrison: Hi, are you all right? Because you just ran off!

Captain: Contact, everyone! Our first verbal encounter!

[into microphone]

Captain: Thank you for your concern.

Dave: [speaks with extremely high pitch; bottles explode in background]

Captain: It's way too high! More bass!

Dave: [speaks in extremely low pitch]

Captain: Level the frequency!

Dave: [speaking perfectly] I'm all better now.

Josh: [to Gina] How hard did you hit this guy?

Gina Morrison: I'm Gina, by the way. Gina Morrison.

[pauses, waiting for him to tell her his name.]

Gina Morrison: And you are?

Captain: 3?

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: This is a list of the most common names on this planet.

Captain: My name is...

Dave: Ming Chang.

Gina Morrison: Ming Chang?

[laughs]

Gina Morrison: Sorry, sorry, you just struck me more like a "Dave" or something.

Dave: Which happens to be my other name.

Gina Morrison: Dave...Ming Chang?

Dave: Dave Ming Chang.

Dave: Welcome to Old Navy.

Gina Morrison: Dave, I feel just terrible about this whole thing...uh, and I was gonna have some breakfast. Would you like to join me?

Dave: No, I really have to be going now.

Gina Morrison: Are you sure? I mean, I sort of have a rule that when I hit somebody with my car, I need to make them breakfast!

[she laughs, Dave doesn't.]

Gina Morrison: That was a joke.

Dave: [blankly] Hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahaha ahaha ha hahahahahahahaha. Woo-hoo, woo!

Gina Morrison: So, where are you from? Do you live around here?

Dave: Yes, of course. I am just a regular person from right here on Earth, just like you. I just don't get out that much.

Gina Morrison: Yeah, judging from your suit, I'd say since about 1978.

[laughs]

Captain: Note: all-white apparel is not as standardized as we thought.

Gina Morrison: [laughing] You late for a Bee Gees concert or something?

Dave: Bee Gees. Barry, Robin and Maurice. The brothers Gibb. Winning ten Grammy Awards and selling over 100 million records.

Dave: [high-pitched, fast singing] Well, you can tell by the way I can use my walk / I'm a woman's man, no time to talk / Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Stayin' Alive / Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dave: We have got to get out of here.

Dave: The whole thing was a joke just like your birthday party scavenger hunt.

Dave: Well, I guess since you answered the phone you haven't burned down the house yet.

Alvin: Dave, just think how much you'd miss us if there were six of us.

Dave: Alvin, what did you say?

Alvin: Well, the chipettes needed a place to crash, right? So I said that you said they could stay with us as long as they needed to.

Dave: Alvin...

Alvin: Okay!

Dave: Alvin, you need to share the spotlight. It's not all about you.

Alvin: Sorry, Dave. I can't hear you over the thousands of fans screaming my name.

Dave: [yelling over the phone] Alvin!

Alvin: Yep, nobody does that better than him.

Dave: [to Simon] I'm counting on you.

Alvin: Dave, wait a minute! Why is he in charge?

[last lines]

Alvin: Oh boy! I suddenly got really, really tired.

Alvin: [laughs]

Alvin: Good night, Dave!

Dave: Alvin!

Dave: Before we go than, girls when I met you you were doing all country and western thing and that's fine we all make mistakes. But here is what we learn from that mistake. Country and western music is about loss. Soul music is also about loss. But the difference is in country and western music, they've lost, they've given up and they are just all wining about it. In soul music they are struggling to get it back, they haven't given up.

Dave: Can you do it blacker?

Dave: Country and western music is about loss. Soul music is also about loss. But the difference is in country and western music they've lost, they've given up, they're just at home whining about it. In soul music they're struggling to get it back and they haven't given up. Every note that passes through your lips should have the tone of a woman who's grasping and fighting and desperate to retrieve what's been taken from her.

Harold Crick: Aren't you too old to go to space camp?

Dave: You're never too old to go to space camp, dude.

Dave: Hi, I'm Dave.

Ronnie: Ronnie.

Dave: Ronnie. That's a great name.

Ronnie: Thank you.

Dave: Do you have a cell phone I can use?

Ronnie: Why?

Dave: Someone's got to call God and let him know one of his angels are missing.

Ronnie: Wow, that is the worst lines I've ever heard.

Dave: Well what do you want from me? I've been out of the game for a while. I've been slumming it with a really hot redhead.

Dave: Is his junk literally out of his pants?

Ronnie: Yes.

Dave: Now it's a party.

Dave: The Code?Asstastic... Yes, Asstastic. A-S-S-TASTIC did you get that? Are we good? Good.

Dave: [Referring to Twitter] I call it twatting.

Dave: Please don't pee in that, it's not a real toilet.

Dave: I am going to be the biggest ass ever.

Dave: You got a pose called yoga guy gets his ass kicked? Cause that's my favorite one.

Dave: You own a zebra, I own a goat, what the hell does that have to do with cheating on your wife?

Dave: I don't want to see a video about ball cancer.

Therapist #1: David, how did that make you feel?

Dave: I know my truth.

Therapist #1: Excuse me?

Dave: I know my truth.

Therapist #1: Did you say,"I know my truth"? Oh, boy.

Dave: What we need to do now is get focused and stop pointing fingers. You're a problem. You're a real, real problem.

Dave: Take the French out of your mouth and tell me what to do.

Dave: Come on, let's go glass house!

Mark: Hey, vagina!

Andrew Largeman: Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse.

Jesse: Hey.

Sam: Hey.

Dave: What's up?

Mark: Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here.

Sam: Oh, that's okay.

Mark: Nice. Let's get fucked up.

[the spell is broken as the party guests come out all beat and sweaty]

Jenny: [singing and laughing] I put a spell on you.

Dave: And I thought L.A. was a party town.

Jenny: Hey, Max, how was school?

Max: It sucked!

Dave: Hey, watch your language.

[Max goes upstairs and slams his bedroom door]

Max: I can't believe you made me move here!

Jenny: Hmm, he wasn't wearing any shoes.

Dave: Must be some form of protest.

Max: [suddenly startled by Dave in a vampire costume] Oh! Dad.

Dave: It's not Dad. It's Dadcula.

[see's Allison]

Dave: Oh, my goodness. Who must this charming young blood donor be?

[kisses Allison's hand]

Max: Dad! Something terrible happened.

Dave: [suddenly concerned] Dani? What's wrong? Wh

Max: No, Dani's fine.

Dave: [sighs] Good.

[to Allison]

Dave: Excuse me. Come here.

[he leads Max away]

Dani: [looks for Jenny, and finds her] Mom?

[Jenny turns around in a Madonna costume]

Dani: Mom?

Jenny: Hmm?

Dani: What are you supposed to be?

Jenny: Madonna. Well, you know. Well, obviously. Don't ya think?

Dave: Shoot, Max. Look, whatever it is, just tell me.

Dani: [to Jenny] Come here.

Jenny: What?

Dani: This cat here, Binx, right? He can talk. My brother's a virgin: he lit the black flame candle. The witches are back from the dead and they're after us. We need help.

Jenny: How much candy have you had, honey?

Dani: Mom, I haven't O.D.'d. I haven't even had a piece. They're real witches, they can fly, and they're gonna eat all the kids in Salem. They're real!

Jenny: All right, let's just find your father.

Dave: So tell us Mark, now at the very end - what was your secret? How did you get all them girls?

Mark: Simple. Don't say anything at all.

'Young' Carl: Nothing?

Mark: Nothing. Then, when the tension becomes too much to bear, you finally, finally, you just say: "How about it, then?"

Angus: The way I look at it, the world couldn't survive without my comedy, and who's going to have the moral backbone to play the Seekers when the mood is right?

Dave: They've split up.

Angus: I intend to celebrate the back catalogue.

Dave: I intend to stop you doing so.

Mark: [silently stands up and lights a cigarette]

Simon: As some of you know, my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage, but I survived that because I live for music. And now, with nothing else to live for, I'm willing to die for it as well.

'On-The-Hour' John: I've always lived for news and weather. Happy to die for them, too. Especially the weather.

Bob Silver 'the Dawn Treader': I've got nowhere else to go.

Harold: I have somewhere else to go, but it's Peckham. So I think I'll stick around.

Felicity: Can't let everyone starve. And I'm slightly worried where my increasingly powerful sexuality will take me when I return to normal life.

Thick Kevin: I've got a very strong suspicion that Felicity fancies me. Not about to go anywhere, just when I'm in with a chance.

'Young' Carl: Obviously, I'm in. You're the only people in the world who like me.

Dave: Walk this way.

Simon: Don't walk that way!

'Young' Carl: I'm just gonna...

Simon: Walk woodpecker way.

Quentin: Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you prefer?

Thick Kevin: Good news.

Quentin: Okay. The good news is the engine has exploded and we're all going to die.

Dave: Hello, Dr Dave, Radio Rock. How is that good news?

Quentin: I haven't yet told you how we're going to die. That's the bad news.

Simon: How are we gonna die?

Quentin: We're going to drown in the freezing waters of the North Sea.

Felicity: Dearie me.

Quentin: There is a huge hole in the side of the boat and in an unfortunate development, it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.

Thick Kevin: [to Angus] Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it? 'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.

Quentin: Sorry.

Angus: She likes the bearded man...

Dave: With a tiny knob...

Dave: Sure throwing him in is the best way to get him to learn how to swim?

The Count: Absolutely.

Dave: Ok.

The Count: On second thought, it might just be for kids.

Angus: I can't touch the bottom!

The Count: Yeah, that's right. Throw a baby in, it floats. Instinctively, naturally. It's a beautiful thing. I think if you throw in an adult, doesn't work that way.

Angus: Goodbye!

Dewey Cox: [irritated] I don't need people around me, stifling me. So if you don't like it, there's the door.

Theo: Dewey, are you sayin' you don't need us no more?

Dewey Cox: Not unless you can open your minds... and learn to play the fucking theremin.

[brief pause]

Theo: FUCK YOU, DEWEY!

Dave: Yeah, fuck you Dewey! In twenty years, not once have you thrown a woman my way. You don't think we like cheating on our wives too?

Sam: And you never once paid for drugs. Not once!

Dave: You pay that chimp more than you pay us! I had to borrow from the chimp to get a mortgage on my house!

Theo: And those stupid siamese glass cats you get us every year for Christmas! I don't want anymore siamese glass cats!

Dewey Cox: The siamese cat is a symbol of nobility in Ancient Egypt.

Sam: Fuck nobility!

Dave: Fuck Ancient Egypt!

Theo: ...Fuck cats!

Sam: And you never paid for drugs. Not once.

Dave: [angrily] You slept with my wife!

Theo: You slept with me, too! And I've had confused feelings about that for ten years now!

Sam: And you never *once* paid for drugs!... Not once.

Dewey Cox: [after singing a much faster and louder version of "Walk Hard" due to the effects of cocaine] Alright, again! Faster!

Dave: This is crazy, Dewey. Ain't nobody gonna wanna listen to music like this. You're standing there playing as fast as you can, singing like some sort of... punk!

Dewey Cox: Don't you dare try to stifle me. Whose band is this anyway? You cocksucker! I'll punch you in the mouth!

Dewey Cox: But I have to say, I like your stuff. It's pretty good, and most of your records, I really enjoy.

Paul McCartney: Well, we're big fans of your records, too. We like to think that "Hard Day's Night" is our "Guilty As Charged".

John Lennon: [in a hard, Liverpool accent] Great record!

Paul McCartney: Excellent album! We learned a lot from ya.

John Lennon: Great record.

Theo: Well, we're real big fans of y'alls!

Dave: Huge fans! You guys are almost as good as The Monkees. You guys are great.

Mitch Planko: So I can't sleep with my wife, I can't sleep with other women. What the hell is that?

Dave: Marriage.

[last lines]

Dave: Is it weird I miss your penis?

Mitch Planko: Ah, come on, it would be weird if you didn't...

Dave: [in Mitch's body, showing his date outfit comprising of an outdated, ill-fitting shirt and triple-pleated khakis] So, how do I look?

Mitch Planko: [in Dave's body, cringing at the date look] Well, all you have to do is just grow a mustache and lure a ten-year old kid into your van.

[office phone rings]

Dave: [puts phone on speaker] Hello?

Mitch Planko: Penis, shit, vagina, cock, wolf pussies!

Dave's Secretary, Patricia: [stares in shock into Dave's office from her desk]

Dave: [quickly puts phone off speaker] Mitch. I'm at work.

Mitch Planko: [wearing a headset while swinging a samurai sword] Did I get you?

Dave: Yeah. Sure did.

Mitch Planko: You have me on speaker phone?

Dave: Yup.

Mitch Planko: Secretary hear?

Dave: Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.

Mitch Planko: Ha! That's awesome.

Dave: Not really. How stoned are you right now?

Jamie Lockwood: [Mitch at the door] He's early.

Dave: Yeah, you'd be early too if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate.

Cara Lockwood: What's "hummus"?

Dave: That is a Mediterranean spread, honey.

Cara Lockwood: What's "master-ate"?

Jamie Lockwood: It's a cracker.

Mitch Planko: [pokes baby Peter] Hey, what's your name? What's your - what's your name?

Mitch Planko: [looks at Dave and Jamie] Why can't they talk yet? Are they retarded or something?

Dave: Now, see, you can't say that.

Mitch Planko: [points at Peter] Well, at least this one right here seems a little... a little downsy.

Mitch Planko: You ready to take a piss?

Dave: You bet your ass I am.

Dave: [Mitch's line as Dave] "Here's what you do: what you do is you f__k verbal resolution, okay? You put that whore on her back, and you SHANK her. Do you know how to make a shiv? Listen to me: If somebody comes at you with a knife, you put her whole family in the morgue. That is jail-yard justice. Because if you don't come back hard on a b___h, you're going to end up getting sold for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O Cup. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?... Always solve your problems with violence!"

Dave: What if she wants to have sex tonight?

Mitch Planko: You are not having sex with my wife.

Mitch Planko: And at the end of the day, do you now what you get?

Dave: A fucking gun with a bullet to blow my head off with!

Mitch Planko: Sometimes you wish.

Mitch Planko: We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck. And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.

Dave: What? I don't even know what these are.

Mitch Planko: You're married. You're married, Dave.

Mitch's Dad: We should probably go, ya know, take a piss.

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Mitch Planko, Dave: I wish I had your life!

Dave: The only thing you ever cared about Stoney was nugs, chillin' and grindage.

Stoney: Um, Robyn Sweeney, bro? She's not going to the prom with you, man. I wish she would, but she's really not.

Dave: What are you talking about? Robyn Sweeney is mine. She's become a major babe, and she loves me.

Stoney: She finds you crusty, Dave.

Dave: I'll convince her! She'll see the truth.

Stoney: The truth is bro, life's about greasing the 'do back, buddy, and wheezin' on the buff-fest, man. High school was interesting, alright? It was kinda like a harsh ride. Ah, ah...

Stoney: [howls twice]

Stoney: We're going on to bigger and better things, buddy!

Dave: Stoney, I am on to bigger and better things!

Dave: Matt Wilson? I mean, what a jerk! What does she see in him, anyway?

Stoney: Well, he's got the buff spikes chillin' on top of his melon, obviously, right?, - dude, he's checking her cheeks! oh oh! - he's got the serious beak, and his own personal holding company full of fundage, bro, that he weases off of ma... ma...

Dave: [finishing the phrase] ... jor.

Stoney: 18-inch bi's - mine are only 4...

Dave: ...besides that.

Stoney: He walks like this, right?.

[struts in a manly fashion]

Stoney: Just like this, right? The nugs fully loose.

Stoney: [a car horn is heard] Your parents!

Dave: My parents!

Link: AHH!

Stoney: Look, Dave, you're gonna have to just mellow out, bro, on this whole Robyn thing, she always shines you.

Dave: You don't understand; we have history.

Stoney: Hey, you had history: pre-freshman history. Could've had her back then, man.

Dave: She hadn't hit babehood yet!

Dave: Stop! Stop, where did you go? You just took off after school. Do you know how worried I've been?

Stoney: God, Dave, you sound like my Mom.

Dave: God, you can't do that to me.

[looking more closely at Link]

Dave: What's on his Nose?

Stoney: Ya know what, Dave, just Chill, 'cause you know why? Link and I had a Stoney time at the Mountain.

Dave: You took him to Mega Mountain? Are you crazy?

Stoney: Yeah, 'cause they're ridin' The Vapor in reverse.

Dave: They are?

Stoney: Unh-huh!

Dave: Oh, cool!

Link: Check out Fresh Nugs, wheezin' the juice...

Stoney, Link: [howling together] Oooooooowwwwww! Bud-dy!

Stoney: Far too much responsibility for me, anyways, I'm already popular!

Dave: Yeah, you travel in large groups of one, Stoney.

Dave: He melted...

Stoney: Dave, it wasn't meant to happen. Come on, I'll go buy you some Ho-Ho's.

Rod Kimble: Hey, everybody! I got some awesome news. We have a new crew member today, Denise. So I thought it would be fun if we all went around and said our name and a little something about ourselves. I'll start. My name is Rod, and I like to party. All right, Dave, you're up.

Dave: Uh, hi. Uh, my name is Dave, and uh... I like to party.

Rod Kimble: Uh, no, Dave. I just said that I party, so maybe you could do something different from me.

Dave: My name is Dave, and I... am the stuntman.

Rod Kimble: You know what? Let's move on. Rico, you're up.

Rico: Uh, hello! I'm Rico, and I like to party.

Rod Kimble: Yeah, uh, Rico, what did I just say to Dave?

Rico: Who?

Rod Kimble: Dave!

Kevin Powell: I like to party. I'm Rod.

Rod Kimble: No! You're Kevin!

Kevin Powell: Right, Kevin. I party.

Rod Kimble: No, no, you don't. Okay, nobody parties but me.

Dave: Yes, and we party.

Rod Kimble: No!

Rico: Yeah, just Rod...

Rod Kimble: Yes!

Rico: ...and me!

Rod Kimble: No! I'm the only one who parties!

Kevin Powell: I'm pretty sure I've partied before.

Rod Kimble: No, Kevin, I know for a fact you don't party. Okay? You do not party!

Kevin Powell: You're right. Dave's the party guy.

Dave: Haha, sweet!

Rod Kimble: Oh, my God, shut up! Okay? I'm just gonna do it for you.

Dave: Hey, Rod, thanks for the ride.

[Rod sees a chunk of metal lodged in Dave's eye and they both scream]

Dave: Hey, buddy. How's it going?

Rod Kimble: Dave, what happened to your eye?

Dave: This? Is it really noticeable?

Rod Kimble: Yeah!

Dave: Is it really noticeable?

Rod Kimble: Yeah!

Dave: Oh, man, it's totally serendipitous. Well, I got off work early, and you know my buddy Derrick? Well he was like, "I've got this acid, but I can't do it." And I was all like, "Well, I'll do it." So I did it. And by the time I got on my banana board, man, I was... I was tripping balls pretty hard, man. So I decided to get on my bench grinder, and a piece of metal flew up and hit me right in the eye. It was pretty awesome. And that brings us to now.

Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, just try and relax.

Dave: Can do, man. Can do. I'm gonna be honest with you, Rod. You look like a giant eagle with fire all around you, and you've got a mountain for a face.

Rod Kimble: I'm guessing that's the drugs, Dave.

Dave: Yeah, but it's also just kind of weird seeing you drive this minivan.

Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, it's my mom's.

Dave: Balls, man! We just ran over a small bus. This really small bus, we just ran over it.

Rod Kimble: I didn't see anything.

Dave: Hey, we're here. Seriously, man, this is one of the top-ten nicest things anybody has ever done for me.

Dave: You know, pools are perfect for holding water...

Dave: I have various responsibilities within the crew. I'm kind of a jack-of-all-trades, really. I, one time, manned a flamethrower.

High School Girl: Cool.

Dave: Of course it's cool. It's awesome as shit.

Cathy: Why'd you call yourself Voltron?

Dave: I don't know. Maybe cause it's super badass!

Cathy: You're weird.

Dave: Hells, yeah, I am.

Rod Kimble: So, Denise, tell me about Jonathan. What's that dude all about?

Denise: Well, we've been going out for about a year.

Rod Kimble: Mhmm, and it's going well?

Denise: Yeah, yeah. I mean, every relationship has it's ups and downs, but...

Rod Kimble: Right. I've heard that. And he's a nice guy?

Denise: Oh, yeah. I mean, he's really smart. He's actually in line to become a junior partner at his law firm.

Rod Kimble: Right, totally. You guys should break up.

Denise: What?

Rod Kimble: Nothing. Hey, Dave's back!

Dave: You guys, the bathroom here is nuts!

Dave: Whatever happened to "Live as a team. Die as a team"?

Rod Kimble: It's a sham, okay? There's no such thing as a team. You live and die alone.

Rico: [to Rod] Do you see what you're doing to him? You're making him upset. How important is this to you, huh? I don't even cry, and look at me. You're about to make tears come out of my face.

[screaming]

Rico: Who am I supposed to build ramps for? Who am I supposed to build ramps for now?

Dave: Oh, whoa, wait, what? Why is Rod kissing his sister?

Kevin Powell: Oh, Denise isn't his sister.

Dave: She's not?

Kevin Powell: No

Dave: Oh. That shatters my entire universe.

Kevin Powell: [after Rod asks Cathy out] Wow, Rod, I can't believe she said yes.

Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, you have only to believe if you wish to achieve, Kevin. That rhymed. Unintentional.

Dave: Man, Rod! I am just green with jealous rage right now!

Cathy: Why do you call yourself Voltron, Dave?

Dave: I don't know, Cathy, maybe because it's *super* badass?

Dave: Come on, Richardson, you're being a tool.

[with a megaphone]

Richardson: There are no tools - in *this* pool!

Dave: Oh, man, he hit his ass with a parking cone! Nice.

Dave: Balls, man! We just ran over a small bus!

Dave: He's going in circles!

Kevin Powell: Wow, Rod. I can't believe she said yes.

Rod Kimble: Yeah Kevin. You've only to believe if you wish to achieve. That rhymed. Unintentional.

Denise: Wow. She's really pretty, Rod.

Rod Kimble: I know, D. But it's more than that me and Kathy. It's emotional. She gets me.

Dave: Wow, Rod. I am just green with jealous rage right now!

Capt. Braddock: Okay no more bullshit

Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking fast] was there or wasn't there a woman?

Dave: Are you serious?

Capt. Braddock: Yes I'm goddamn serious.

Dave: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman?

Capt. Braddock: What the hell is he taking about?

Wally: He reads lips. You're talking too fast.

Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking slowly] Was there... a wom-an... pres-ent?

Dave: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Yes. There was... a wom-an... pres-ent.

Capt. Braddock: Why is he talking like that?

Wally: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Because he's deaf... not stup-id.

Dave: Don't we get a last request?

Eve: What would you like?

Dave: Would you scratch my nose for me?

[Eve scratches his nose with a coin and then kisses him]

Dave: You're a very sick woman.

Eve: Thank you. Mr Karew, what would you you like?

Wally: I suppose a fuck is out of the question.

Eve: I'm afraid so.

Dave: Today I threatened to shoot a naked woman with my erection.

[Dave doesn't hold up any fingers]

Dave: How many fingers am I holding up in front of your eyes right now?

Wally: Three!

Dave: That's good. That's pretty good, considering that he's blind.

Dave: [impersonating a European doctor] Tell me the first thing that pops into your brain.

Wally: Pussy!

Dave: It's amazing! This man is cured!

Dave: Did she say ship, or shit?

Wally: Where are we?

Dave: Probably on our way to New Jersey by now.

Wally: No kidding! I got family in there! Do you wanna come with me?

Dave: Of course. You've earned my trust, Wally. You've been a very good friend to me these past couple days. You're always there for me. You never get me into trouble. Sometimes it seems a bit boring but that's a small price to pay for such a wonderful friendship.

Wally: That's beautiful, Dave. Do you mean everything you just said?

Dave: I'll tell you how I really feel in about a minute or two. Right now I'm a little overwhelmed by the STINK of the seven tons of garbage that you drove us into!

Wally: Is THAT what it is? I thought you let one go! That's why I didn't say anything!

Dave: That's very kind of you! Thank you!

Dave: You swear an awful lot.

Wally: You're fucking-A right!

Wally: These streets are bumpy.

Dave: You're driving on the sidewalk!

Dave: Wally! He could put a hole through your *head*, Wally!

Wally: *Fuck* him and his holes!

Dave: And then one day, my wife turned into this remarkable creature that could sit on the end of a broom stick and take off. She could actually achieve flight.

Wally: I think I was married to that woman once.

Dave: Small world.

Mitzie: [Dave and Wally are booking in at a hotel under false identities] Dr. Kesselring, we thought you might not make it. It says you had some trouble with your visa?

Dave: [faking a German accent] Yes, and zen suddenly dey accepted American Express. Go figure.

Wally: We don't go home without it.

Dave: Well excusez-moi, monsieur hot shit!

Dave: We're in a warehouse, and you just hit a cow. I think we better back up.

Wally: [yelling in Dave's ear] Shazaam! Can you hear me?

Dave: Wally! I heard you! I heard your voice!

Wally: Hooray! You can hear me!

Dave: What?

Wally: You can hear me!

Dave: [shouts] No, schmuck, I'm deaf! I'm deaf! Now do you get it?

Reporter: Do you really think you can stop Khomeini?

Dave: Not if it's funny.

Adele: I think David got a little messed up.

Dave: What did she say?

Wally: She said she thinks you're an asshole!

Dave: Fucking-A. Something bothers you, fuck it. Your wife leaves you, fuck her. Your boss fires you, fuck him. Fucking-A. Fuckin'em. Right?

Wally: You're fucking right!

Dave: It's a gift to be able to do that.

Dave: [to Raoul] Stop right their or I'll throw this knife through your head! I mean it! I throw your brains out!

Cop with Bullhorn: [to Raoul] Freeze!

Dave: [to Raoul] Thats more like it! Now put your hand up!

Cop with Bullhorn: [to Raoul] Put your hands in the air!

Dave: [to Raoul] Oh, so you do speak English!

Dave: [Wally is driving a stolen police car because Dave's hands are cuffed behind him] Don't look at me, look at the road!

Wally: [Shrugs and turns his head back toward the road] All right, if it'll make you feel better.

Dave: I'm not handicapped, I have you.

Dave: Who are you talking to?

Wally: I'm talking to you, you prick.

Dave: Why don't you look me in the eye and say that?

Wally: I would if I could but I can't, I'm blind.

Dave: You're blind?

Wally: Yes I'm blind, what are you fucking deaf?

Dave: Yes, I'm fucking deaf!

Wally: You're really deaf?

Dave: I'm really deaf.

Wally: Then how do you know what I'm saying?

Dave: Because I'm reading your lips now you want the job or not?

Dr. Cornfeld: WHO are you sir?

Dave: [misreading Cornfeld's lips] Fine, thank you!

Eve: But you see, you're the ones they're looking for. Not me. If I get on that helicopter with the coin, I get out of here squeaky clean.

Dave: You're too tall for me anyway.

Gaz: I don't suppose you could lend us a jacket...

Dave: Oh, Gaz...

Gaz: Oh, come on, Dave, it's not for me, it's a funeral.

Dave: [pause] What color?

Gaz: [pause] Orange.

Dave: Orange?

Gaz: *Black* for fuck's sake!

Dave: Okay, go on, I'll meet you back doors.

Dave: Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is not.

Dave: Well, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us, that's all.

Horse: You what?

Dave: Well, they're going to be looking at us like that, aren't they, Eh? I mean, what if next Friday 400 women turn 'round and say "He's too fat, he's too old and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser."? What happens then, eh?

Horse: They wouldn't say that, would they?

Dave: Why not? He's just said her tits are too big.

Lomper: That's different. We're... blokes.

Dave: Yeah, and?

Gerald: I think she's got nice tits, actually.

Lomper: I never said owt about her personality, like. I mean, she's probably quite nice if you get to know her.

Dave: No. And they won't say nowt about your personality neither. Which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality - this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.

Lomper: Haven't got any mates...

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Listen to you, we just saved your fucking life so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?

Lomper: Really?

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Yeah.

Lomper: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Dave: Yeah, me and all, I'd run ya down as soon as look at ya.

Lomper: Oh aye? Cheers.

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] Drownin'. Now there's a way to go.

Lomper: I can't swim.

Gaz: Well you don't have to fucking swim, you divvy, that's the whole point. God, you're not very keen are you?

Lomper: Sorry...

Dave: [after learning that two of their friends are gay] Ah, well, there's nowt as queer as folk...

[begins laughing]

Dave: [Gaz tries to convince Dave to steal a videotape] Why me?

Gaz: Because you've got an honest face, lad; I've got "serial killer" written on me forehead.

Dave: The less I eat, the fatter I get.

Lomper: So stuff yourself and get thin!

Dave: We want to know about dancing that's all.

Gerald Arthur Cooper: Dancers have coordination, skill, timing, fitness, and grace. Take a long, hard look in the mirror.

[Gaz and Dave are waiting in Gerald's lawn for him to leave for work]

Dave: He's got gnomes.

Gaz: Aye, he bloody would have.

Gaz: I need an audience

Dave: You need a doctor!

Gaz: [stuck with Dave on top of a car in the middle of a canal] Ey up, someone's coming.

Passer-By: All right?

Gaz: Aye, not so bad.

Dave: [after the Passer-by leaves] Not so bad? Not so bad? That's not much of a chuffing SOS is it?

Dave: [When presented with the first images of "Flashdance"] Hey, what's this? I didn't go on the nick in Asda for some chuffin' women's DYI video!

Gaz: It's "Flashdance", Dave. She's a welder, isn't she!

Dave: A welder? Well, I hope she dances better than she welds! I mean, look at that - her mix is all to cock!

Dave: Shut up, Dave. What the fuck do you know about welding, anyway?

Dave: More than some chuffin' woman! Arh, it's like Bonfire Night! That's too much acetylene, is that! Them joints will hold fuck all!

Gerald: Arh, for Christ's sake, Dave. We're looking for dancing, aren't we!

Gaz: He's got the hump about Asda!

Dave: Put down and piss off.

Gerald Arthur Cooper: Fat, David, is a feminist issue.

Dave: Well, what's that supposed to mean, when it's at home?

Gerald Arthur Cooper: I don't bloody know, do I? But it is.

[before the first rehearsal Gaz has hurtled off to find Dave, finding him working as a security guard in Asda]

Gaz: Dave! What are you doing?

Dave: What's it look like?

Gaz: We're on in three days time, where the fuck are you?

Dave: I'm here, working, earning, that's where. Not pissing about! End of chat!

Dave: [to Gaz] Don't you EVER call me a fat bastard again!

Dave: [nodding at Horse] Oh aye, I can just see him doing all that twizzling about bollocks!

Stephanie: Griffin Constantine Keyes... Mm! The changes I've seen in you these past few weeks have been nothing short of remarkable. And I've been doing a little soul searching, and I did a mistake five years ago on that beach, and I wanna correct it. So...

[pulls out an engagement ring]

Stephanie: Will you...

Griffin Keyes: Yeah, not gonna happen.

Stephanie: What?

Griffin Keyes: Come on, you had to see this coming. When we first started dating, you assumed I was gonna turn into the type of guy that you always dreamed about. But you know what? I don't like that guy. I don't like this job, I...

[turns to Dave]

Griffin Keyes: don't, bro, I'm sorry...

Dave: It's not...

Griffin Keyes: Yeah, this I love. But we'll always have this, you know? I love you, right?

Dave: Yeah...

Griffin Keyes: Okay, good.

[turns back to Stephanie]

Griffin Keyes: I don't like this suit. I don't like our Chintaki chairs...

Stephanie: It's Chintoko.

Griffin Keyes: Either one, I don't like them. I don't like the fact that I can't understand 90 percent of the stuff you talk about! But most of all... I hate who I have become.

Dave: Well, Lee, I have to say, you have completely outdone yourself. In twenty-four hours, you've given us a walk in the woods, a romantic dinner, and a fist fight. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Lee: [pointedly] Maybe I can get him to commit suicide. Would you like that?

Dave: I don't know. Let me think about it.

Lee: Oh, yeah. I mean, it won't help the initial release, but it'll rent like crazy when it goes to video. We can do a box like a coffin, maybe wrap it in a little black ribbon.

Dave: Ooh, yeah. No, that's good. No, no, wait... imagine if he killed himself at the premiere.

[pause]

Dave: I'm joking... I mean, I'm... thinking out loud, or whatever you call it.

Dave: Remember the crazy guy in the woods?

Davis: Ted Kaczynski.

Dave: Who, the guy at Fox?

Lee: The Unabomber.

Dave: Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?

Lee: So?

Dave: Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.

Dave: Hal here yet?

Lee: No.

Dave: [beat] He's a dead man. No, I'm serious. I know a guy, I'll make a call, and... he's dead.

Dave: [watching Eddie and Hector fight] Ooh! This is good! Hit him! Hit him!

Lee: Who?

Dave: Anybody!

Lee: Why am I here? I'm just confused. I mean, after all, you did fire me last week, so why am I here?

Dave: I brought you here to see the new Hal Weidmann film.

Chainsaw: You passed and I failed! You asshole! How could you do that to me?

Dave: It was an accident. I'll take it again. I can fail, I know I can.

Dave: This menstruation thing? It's a scam! Women are so lucky.

Shoop: Your teacher was arrested for giving vodka to students.

Dave: You went to jail for us?

Shoop: On roller skates.

Chainsaw: Our next field trip has to be to the beach.

Dave: We have to see Annamaria in a bikini. It's very important.

Shoop: Denise: no previous test score because you ditched every test, but a 38.

Mrs. Green: Honey, that's terrific!

Denise: We'll get 'em next time.

Shoop: Kevin, from a 48 to a 75!

Kevin Winchester: Yeah, I'm back on the team!

[Kevin and his did share football shouts and hug]

Shoop: Chainsaw: last score was a 6, this time: 59. Monster comeback! And Dave: from a 26 to a 70.

Dave: I passed!

Anna-Maria Mazarelli: You made it!

Chainsaw: You passed? You passed and I failed, asshole! How could you do that to me?

Dave: It was an accident. I'll take it again, I can fail, I know it.

Shoop: Pam went from a 53 to an 82.

Pam: Was that the highest?

Shoop: Well, almost. That guy who spent six weeks in the bathroom got a 91. But look, there's more going on here than test scores and grades. You all worked hard and improved.

Phil Gills: And that's very nice, Mr. Shoop. The point here is that we are here to discuss Mr. Shoop's flagrant violation of school policies.

Principal Kelban: Hold it, Gills. According to my numbers, the average scores have increased from 28 to 63. That's 125% improvement. Now that's teaching. Mr. Shoop, I'm granting you tenure.

Phil Gills: This man should not be teaching. The proof is right here in these test results. Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop. Passing is 70; average score here was 63. They failed.

Shoop: [looks at the results] That is not true, Mr. Gills.

Alan Eakian: You mean we passed?

Shoop: No, not all of you, but that's not what's important here. Larry went from an 18 to a 51!

Mrs. Kazimias: If I'd only seen you strip a week sooner.

Shoop: Rhonda: from a 29 to a 43 and she gave birth.

Mrs. Altobello: Isn't childbirth grounds for a makeup test?

Principal Kelban: It always has been.

Chainsaw: This woman thing never fails.

Shoop: Eakian: a 51 to a 74.

Alan Eakian: I passed! I am an Eakian, Grams!

Dave: All right, Eaker!

[about sobriety]

Chainsaw: Reality is so unreal.

Dave: But it is a nice change.

Chainsaw: True. Two thumbs up.

Shoop: Please take your seats.

Chainsaw, Dave: Where should we take 'em?

[the classroom is the scene of a bloodbath]

Phil Gills: What is wrong with you people?

Dave: It's just like you said Gills! We're psychopaths! Somebody better call the school nurse!

Dave: What's wrong with wanting to be liked?

Chase: You want them to like you, Dave? Tell them to go fuck themselves. People like that need people like you, otherwise there's twice as much trawsh and no one to take it out.

Dave: You're totally losing me.

[Dave's pager goes off]

Chase: Don't go Dave. There's sober people there. They just don't want to leave the party.

Dave: I can't not go.

Dave: We used to be your friends, if you can remember that far back.

Chase: You know what I remember, Dave? I remember you cleaning out Eddie Lampell's locker because he said he'd be your friend.

Dave: I did the guy a favor!

Chase: I remember you buying Alicia Digressatio at the Student Council Auction last year, and then letting her spend the whole day with her boyfriend.

Dave: Do you have a point?

Dave: Yeah, my point is Dave, you're not mad at me. You're jealous.

Dave: Hey, I finally downloaded the original Space Invaders. I'm talking quality 1981 graphics here.

Dave: Why are we doing this?

Chase: As a protest.

Dave: Of what?

Ray: People, right?

Chase: Sheep.

Ray: Check, Dave. We're doing this to protest sheep.

Dave: And what specifically about sheep do we object to?

Ray: Chase?

Chase: General herding mentality.

Dave: [driving Chase home] So who was at the party?

Chase: Everyone.

Dave: [slams on the brakes] Everyone was not at the party! I wasn't there.

Ray: I'm staying

Dave: Why?

Ray: I like to party. I like to get down.

Schecky Moskowitz: Sir, hi! What's your name?

Dave: Dave.

Schecky Moskowitz: Hey, Dave! What do you do for a living?

Dave: Well, I'm a construction worker.

Schecky Moskowitz: A construction worker? Alright, what do you construct?

Dave: I construct buildings. What the fuck else would I construct?

Schecky Moskowitz: Okaaaay... so, Dave, do you think constructing is an easy job, or is it a hard job?

Dave: Listen, butthole, why don't you quit trying to be funny? Because all it's doing is pissing me off.

Dave: Buon giorno, papa!

Dad: I'm not "papa." I'm your god-damned father.

Dave: Moocher, you're Catholic, right?

Moocher: Yeah.

Dave: Did you ever go to confession?

Moocher: Twice.

Dave: Did it make you feel better?

Moocher: Once.

Dave: Everybody cheats. I just didn't know.

Dad: Well, now you know.

Dad: You guys still go swimmin' in the quarries?

Dave: Sure.

Dad: So, the only thing you got to show for my 20 years of work is the holes we left behind?

Moocher: [looking at Dave's beat up bike] Doesn't look that bad to me...

Dave: That's cause you don't have to ride it!

Moocher: Well, you know, you don't have to ride it either, Dave. We're not gonna beg you.

Cyril: We may plead, but we would never beg!

Moocher: [watching the college kids on campus] Sure looks like they've got it made.

Mike: That's because they're rich.

Dave: Italians are poor, but they're happy.

Mike: Yeah? Maybe in Italy.

Dave: Have a nice trip.

Katherine: You too.

Dave: But I'm not going anywhere.

Katherine: I don't know about that.

Dave: You hear from your folks, Mooch?

Moocher: Yeah, my dad called. He wanted to know if the house was sold. He could use the money something fierce.

Dave: Well, you can come and live with me when it's sold. In Italy, everybody lives together.

Moocher: [laughs] Since you won that Italian bike, man, you've been acting weird. You're really getting to think you're Italian, aren't you?

Cyril: I wouldn't mind thinking I was somebody myself.

Cyril: Hey! Are you really gonna shave your legs?

Dave: Certo! All the Italians do it.

Mike: Ah. Some country. The women don't shave theirs.

Moocher: Hey, come on in, Dave.

Dave: Nah, I read where this Italian coach said its no good to go swimmin' right after a race.

Mike: Who's swimmin'? I'm takin' a leak.

Dave: Pop, can I have this Saturday off?

Dad: Hell no!

Dave: Eh, just this once, Pop. The Italians are coming Saturday.

Dad: I don't care if the second coming's coming!

Dave: You mean we might be a father?

Dad: No. I might be a father. And your mom might be a mother. And YOU might be a brother. See, that way I keep it all in the family.

Moocher: Wow! Hey, I didn't think people your age...

Dad: The next word may be your last, kid!

Dave: Italianos - like the nightingales they sing. Like the eagles they fly!

Dad: Speakin' of flies, eh, you brought a helluva lot of flies in with you.

Dave: Did you know that fly in Italian is 'mosca'?

Dad: Did you know in English it's 'pest'?

Dave: Well, I'm supposed to take this college entrance exam.

Cyril: Are you gonna go to college?

Dave: Hell no. I just want to see if I can pass.

Dad: How you feelin'?

Dave: Tired, Pop.

Dad: Exhausted.

Dave: Yeah.

Dad: Good. Get used to it. From now on its gonna be more of the same. Let's go home.

Mom: So, you see, I think you really should go. I think you should come home, singing, with a trophy. I think you should do all those things while you can.

Dave: I win this one for you Mama.

Dave: Hell, I don't want to go to college Dad. To hell with them. I'm proud of being a cutter.

Dad: You're not a cutter. I'm a cutter.

Dad: [after Dave has taken his college entrance exam] What? Are you afraid?

Dave: Yeah, a little bit. And then there's the rest of the guys.

Dad: Well, you took the exam. Did all right, didn't you?

Dave: Yes.

Dad: Well, that's - that's good.

Dave: I was thinking of taking French, but, it's my first year. Have you ever seen la Tour de France?

French Girl: No.

Dave: No? Mon Dieu! The French riders - they're the best!

Dad: [Last lines] Hi ya, big shot!

Dave: Bon jour, Papa!

Dave: Hi, Kathy.

Katherine: [not realizing that Dave's not really the Italian guy he made himself out to be] Oh, God, what did you do to yourself?

Dave: I just, uh...

Katherine: Oh, I liked you better before. Oh, what happened to your cornicello?

Katherine: [Dave remains silent] Now you look like everybody else.

Dave: I *am* everybody else.

Dave: If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And its not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do until you, stand up and decide to try.

[Dave shakes hands with Duane just before they part company]

Duane: Dave?

Dave: Yeah?

Duane: I would have taken a bullet for you.

[Dave looks stunned for a moment, then smiles]

Dave: Thanks, Duane.

Dave: I don't want to tell some eight-year-old kid he's gotta sleep in the street because we want people to feel better about their *car*. Do *you* want to tell them that?

Secretary of Commerce: [quietly] No sir.

[sits back in his seat and reflects]

Secretary of Commerce: No I sure don't.

[singing in the shower]

Dave: Hail to the chief / He's the one we all say "Hail" to. / We all say "Hail" / 'Cause he keeps himself so clean! / He's got the power, / That's why he's in the shower...

Bob Alexander: What do you think you're doing?

Dave: What? Oh, you mean the press conference. I had a couple of ideas that I wanted to share with the country.

Bob Alexander: Share? Share? You don't call a press conference. I call a press conference. You're nothing. Do you understand? You're nobody.

Dave: I'm not nobody.

Bob Alexander: You're LINT! You're a FLEA! You're a BLIP!

Dave: Well... maybe I am. But you're fired.

Dave: [after reciting Bob Alexander's charges against him] Okay, let's get right to the guts of it: every one of these accusations is absolutely true.

[a sensation passes through the House. Cut to Bob's home, as he and his supporters are watching this on TV; several of them clap him on the back]

Bob Alexander: HO, HO, HO! Die, you pond scum!

Dave: I'm the President, and as they say, the buck stops here. So I take full responsibility for each one of my illegal actions. But that's not the whole story. I think the American people are entitled to the real truth.

[opens his briefcase]

Dave: I have here evidence in the form of notes, letters, and written memoranda, proving that Bob Alexander was involved in each of these illegal acts, and in most cases planned them as well.

[Cut to Bob's house, where a murmur passes through Bob's supporters, and some of them head for the door]

Bob Alexander: Alan.

Dave: Now, allegations of wrongdoing have also been made against Vice President Nance. Now, as this evidence will prove, at no time and in no way was the Vice President involved in any of this affair. Bob just made all that up. Vice President Nance is a good and decent public servant, and I want to apologize for any pain that this has caused him or his family.

[Dave turns and offers his hand. Nance stands and takes it. As they shake, the House applauds. Cut to Bob's home, now empty except for him, as he watches the TV]

Ellen Mitchell: Reminds me of when you were in the state legislature.

Dave: Yeah... me too.

Ellen Mitchell: You weren't in the state legislature.

[stands up and offers her hand]

Ellen Mitchell: Hi. I'm Ellen Mitchell. Who are you?

Ellen Mitchell: [after Dave reveals his true identity to Ellen] What do you do for a living?

Dave: You mean, when I'm not running the country?

Ellen Mitchell: Yeah.

Dave: I run a temp agency. You know, secretaries and stuff.

Ellen Mitchell: So you find people jobs.

Dave: Yes.

[Ellen chuckles]

Dave: What? What's so funny?

Ellen Mitchell: It's just, it's more than most people do around here.

Ellen Mitchell: [first encounter and public appearance] Don't you have anything else you want to say to me?

[repeated line]

Dave: Thank you for doing this, Ellen.

Ellen Mitchell: Go to hell, Bill!

[exits]

Dave: She hates me!

Bob Alexander, Alan Reed: YES!

Dave: According to the OMB, we have seventeen defense contractors who are delinquent in their contracts. Is this true, Frank?

Director of OMB: Uh, I believe so, yes.

Dave: So, even though they're late, we keep paying them on time?

Director of OMB: Well, in a sense... yeah.

Dave: The president and the first lady... what is that? How long has that been going on?

Duane: I can't say.

Dave: You mean, you don't know, or "you can't say"?

Duane: I can't say.

Dave: You know, I've always wondered about you guys. You know, about how you're trained to take a bullet for the president?

Duane: What about it?

Dave: Is that really true? I mean, would you let yourself be killed to save his life?

Duane: Certainly.

Dave: So, now that means you'd get killed for me too.

Alan Reed: [trying to convince Dave to take the job] Imagine that the entire United States of America is in the car.

Dave: In the car?

Alan Reed: In the car!

Bob Alexander: And you've got to get it to the hospital.

Dave: [entering the Oval Office] Let's get back to work!

[bangs the desk with his hand, sits in the chair and falls over]

Dave: Whoa!

Duane: [closing the Oval Office door] He's all right.

Dave: I mean she's the first lady. I mean couldn't I have started with a cousin?

[on the balcony, being fed lines by Bob and Al, they try to tell him to leave]

Alan Reed: Go!

Bob Alexander: Go, go!

Dave: [raises a fist] Go, go, go!

[the reporters look confused]

Dave: You ever think back to how you got started?

Vice-President Nance: Well...

[chuckles]

Vice-President Nance: I was a shoe salesman. Not very happy about it. One day, my wife says to me, "why don't you try running for office? You know, you talk about it all the time. Why don't you just go do it?" So I tell my boss I have a dentist appointment, and go down to the registrar of voters on my lunch break... next thing I know I'm a councilman.

Dave: Really?

Vice-President Nance: My wife was my campaign manager, we had a budget of two thousand dollars - with advertising.

[laughs]

Vice-President Nance: What about you?

Dave: What?

Vice-President Nance: How did you get started?

Dave: [smiles] Kind of the same way.

Randi: Mr. President, Gary Nance is waiting in your office.

Dave: Who?

Duane: [biting on the words] The Vice President.

Dave: What?

Duane: The *Vice President!*

Dave: Oh! I'm sorry, ever since I had the stroke I've not been hearing things right... it's like...*whooo!*

Randi: Oh my God...

Dave: First cover of Time and I need a shave.

Dave: You ever think about wearing a sweater? Make you blend in more.

Duane: Sweaters make my neck look too thick.

Dave: Even a sweater vest? You could wear a tie.

Duane: You think a sweater vest would look good on me?

Coconut Pete: I thought it was time to bring in the pro.

Sam, The Fun Police: Hank?

Coconut Pete: Yes, Hank. The head of security on all my tours.

Jenny: So, what? He keeps aging hippies from stealing the bong out of your tour bus?

Coconut Pete: It just so happens Hank used to be a federal agent. Yes, that's right. Headed a FBI task force on serial killers. Single-handedly caught the Minneapolis Mangler.

Lars: Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?

Hank: Exactly.

Dave: Pete, you are aware that I've personally served this guy twenty beers a day for the last ten years, right?

Hank: [shows a nasty scar on his side] Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior! When you can stuff your intestines back in your pockets and walk twenty clicks to an aid station after a knife fight with guerilla drug lords, then you talk to me!

[Putman runs up to Dave and Juan in the Pacman maze in a banana suit]

Putman: Mmm! Mmm! Mmmm!

Dave: Are you trying to tell us something boy? Is Timmy trapped in the well?

[Putman motions for them to follow him]

Juan: [singing while running after Putman] Follow thee banana, follow thee banana!

Dave: [about Putman] "Am I the only one who thinks his head looks like an octopus?"

[It has just been revealed that Juan has spent time in prison]

Dave: What the fuck did you do, man? Costa Rican prison - that's some hardcore anal action, man.

Dave: Hey, I think something's wrong with the lights.

Dave: [as Dave, Jenny and Sam are watching Juan and Penelope have sex]

[to Jenny]

Dave: If you are the killer, that's cool, just you know don't kill me!

Andi: You know, I think we might be in a little over our heads.

Dave: It's four-six; we're out dogged.

Walt: Hey, Dave. How about another tall one?

Dave: Got it. How about you there, Bob?

Bob: No, no. No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.

[first lines]

Dave: Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt.

Dave: Say you have an ax - just a cheap one from Home Depot.

[slow zoom in on man chopping]

Dave: On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man's already dead. Maybe you should worry, 'cause you're the one who shot him. He'd been a big twitchy guy with veined skin stretched over swollen biceps, tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. And you're chopping off his head because even with eight bullets in him, you're pretty sure he's about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face.

Dave: What do you think it's like, Father?

Father Shellnut: What's what like?

Dave: Being crazy, mentally ill.

Father Shellnut: Well, they never know they're ill, do they? I mean, you can't diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can't see your own eyeball. I suppose you just feel regular, and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you.

Roger North: Have you ever noticed, when you hear a word for the very first time in your life, you will hear that word again within twenty-four hours? Do you ever wonder why you sometimes see a single shoe lying alongside the road?

[Dave clicks in the car's cigarette lighter]

Roger North: [now with a tear having escaped from his right eye] I've been watching you for some time, but there are great gaps in my knowledge. Do you know I once observed a man who masturbated until he bled? Did he want to do that? And you, when you're alone...

[Dave grabs the car's lighter, slams on the brakes, and burns the creature under his shirt with the lighter. He pulls it out and looks at it as its twin eyes on stalks as the two concentric mouths of teeth flare outward and its slit of a mouth inside roars. He throws it out the window, punches Roger, gets the gun and holds it under Roger's chin]

Dave: Okay. Okay. This thing I got pointed at you, do you know what it does?

Roger North: [nervous] I... believe I have an idea, yes.

Dave: And are you familiar with the old human saying, "I want to shoot you so bad my dick's hard"?

Roger North: [confused] I don't... believe I... do.

Dave: Well, maybe you'll hear it again in the next twenty-four hours if you don't try to fuck with me.

Dave: Uh, Shelly. John and I are having a bit of a problem here. We're both seeing completely different versions of you. Now, John here has eyesight problems 'cause of his constant masturbation, but I- I don't think...

Dave: [into to phone] Who is this?

John: [on the phone] It's John. Can you hear me?

Dave: [whispering] I can hear you and I can see you. You're sitting right here next to me.

John: Well then, just talk to me in person then. Oh wait, do I look injured in any way?

Dave: What?

John: Shh. I'm sorry, I gotta go. Say hello to me...

John: [across the table] Was that me?

Dave: My name is David Wong. I once saw a man's kidney grow tentacles, tear itself out of a ragged hole in his back, and go slapping across my kitchen floor. But that's another story.

John: [while being taken to the Mall of the Dead, John suddenly wakes up] Man! Where are we?

Dave: We're in some liquor truck and we're on our way to the abandoned mall on Highway 59.

John: Did you say we going to the mall, or coming back from it?

Dave: Going!

John: Yeah, that's right, because F-f-fred's still alive.

Fred Chu: What?

John: Nothing, nothing. I... got a headache.

John: Uhhhh... check between the sausage and the bun. You should find a hundred dollar bill rolled up in there.

Dave: [looks between sausage and bun] There's no money in the bratwurst. It's just a piece of lettuce.

John: OK.

[pause]

John: Do you have your ATM card?

Dave: [answers second call from John] Hello?

John: Hey, this is John. Your pimp says, bring the crack shipment tonight or he'll be forced to stick you. Meet him where we buried the Korean whore, the one *without* the goatee.

Dave: [v.o] That was John's code. It meant, "Bring your gear and come to my place as soon as you can. It's important."

Dave: John, it's three in the morning, man.

John: Oh, and don't forget: tomorrow's the day we kill the president.

Dave: John.

[the phone beeps as John ends the call]

Dave: [v.o] That last part was code for, "Stop and pick me up some beer on the way."

[turns off phone]

Dave: You're gonna die, Arnie. Someday you will face that moment. And at that moment you will face either complete nonexistence, or you will face something even stranger. On an actual day in the future, Arnie, you will be in the unimaginable. It is physically impossible to avoid it.

John: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Dave: That if Franz Kafka was here, his head would explode?

John: Actually, yeah.

Dave: And then, calm. Almost Zen. That's what came next, that Soy Sauce feeling. I wanted to run, to duck, to act. But the body is a slow wet mechanism of muscle and bone that crept, even as my mind flew. And so just like that, I stepped outside of it.

[from trailer]

Dave: I bet you're wondering why I'm here.

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton: I bet you're wondering what I'm doing with this can of gasoline.

Dave: [narrating to Arnie] I'll try to explain this without cursing, but the black shit from Planet X that came out from that motherfucker looked like it had grown hair! Did I mention that the stuff was moving? Twitching?

Dave: Last night you had a dream, Arnie. You dreamt you were being chased through the forest by your mother. She was lashing you with a whip made of knotted penises.

Dave: I was adopted. I never knew my real dad. You could be my dad for all I know. Are you my dad?

John: Women love to play games, don't they?

Dave: It's all they have time for.

Dave: [v.o] That's right, Arnie: everything you know is wrong.

Dave: [to John on the phone] Where are you, heaven?

Dave: [gets up] So, I... suppose you're wondering why I'm here.

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton: Same as everybody. You're trying to figure out what in the name of Elvis is going on. Everybody except me. Me, I don't even wanna know anymore.

[Dave notices something. The Detective follows his gaze, and looks back]

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton: I supposed you're wondering what I'm doing with this can of gasoline.

Dave: Just get one thing straight, Wimp. We may be stuck with you, but that doesn't mean you're going to ruin our trip just because you're a little brat kid! We're going to be as crude as we want, as filthy as we want, and as gross as we want! You understand that, Wimp?

Wendell: My name's Wendell, and why should today be any different?

Dave: Wimp, I'm not like ordinary guys. I've got more than hormones, or something. You know, like a male nymphomaniac?

Wendell: I feel sorry for you, Dave.

Dave: Then loan me a few bucks, so I can go to another whorehouse!

Dave: You know what that Tuck-and-Roll guy's doing right now? He's stuffing my seats with horseshit!

Dave: I heard about this guy who got some spanish flies for his girlfriend, because she wasn't putting out. He gave her one and stopped at a liquor store or something, and when he came out guess what he found?

Woody: She was dead on top of the gearshift.

Dave: You know the same guy!

Woody: No, the same story.

Dave: But movies cost millions of dollars to make.

Robert K. Bowfinger: That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.

[after seeing Dave's camera which he borrowed without permission]

Robert K. Bowfinger: Good camera.

Dave: Yeah. I gotta have it back in every night, or it's a felony. Years you get.

Robert K. Bowfinger: [pats Dave on the shoulder] You'd get.

Spence: You two "Fraternity Brothers" think that because you're next in line, you run the house. WRONG! I am the President!

Adam: Hey Dave?

Dave: What's that Adam?

Adam: I think our President needs to get laid!

Spence: Fuck you!

Adam: I look like shit!

Dave: No you don't.

Adam: Yes I do... I look like shit!

Dave: No... you don't!

Adam: That's easy for you to say, you're actually pretty!

Dave: Oh thanks, you know I just put this together...

[Adam gives him a strange look]

Leah: Should I get under the table and suck your cock right now?

Dave: Right here?

Doofer: [while contemplating how to get back the money stolen from the house safe] Though I hardly think this is the appropriate time to ask, but what about the tape?

Adam: [sighs] What tape?

Doofer: The tape of Adam humpin' the Tri Pis, man.

[Adam looks up in surprise]

Dave: [turns around] Doofer, what are you saying?

Doofer: [cuts to a flashback, Doofer narrates. Doofer stumbles into his room, drunk] I had just gotten done studying for some school when I notice that Adam's speaker was tipped over

[trips over Adam's speaker in his drunken haze]

Doofer: Inside of it was a video camera rigged with a motion detector. I carefully traced back the source to a footlocker at the bottom of Adam's closet, which was... you know, already unlocked

[Doofer tries to pick and hammer the lock open, but finally succeeds in blowing it off with a revolver]

Doofer: . Inside the footlocker was a video cassette recorder. But naturally, since it was his private property, I didn't touch anything

[Doofer hits play on the VCR, which starts up a home video of Adam having sex with a Tri Pi]

Doofer: . You could see the safe right next to his bed!

Adam: [enraged] You were watching my tape?

Doofer: [under his breath] ... Noooooooo

[cuts to Doofer eating popcorn and "cleaning up" with tissue]

Dex: Do you want to have sex with this woman?

Dave: Definitely.

Dex: Okay, then you're violating the first rule of being Steve.

Dave: Who?

Dex: You must learn to eliminate your desire.

Rick: It's Buddhist.

Dex: I think the Taoists said it first.

Rick: Hey, are we gonna have a seminar or are we gonna play golf?

Dex: Just a short seminar on the elimination of desire, okay? If you're out with this girl and even THINKING about getting laid, you're finished, cuz women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe.

Dave: [Paraphrasing the Tao of Steve] "Be desireless. Be excellent. Be gone."

Dex: I'm serious. If you're hanging out with women as friends, your doing your research in the wrong library.

Dave: What's wrong with being friends with women?

Dex: Nothing, but getting out of that category of 'friend' is harder than like getting out of Alcatraz.

Dave: Okay, so if I'm not a Steve, then what am I?

Dex: You... You're... a Stu.

Dave: Fuck you, man. You're all Steve's and I'm Gomer Fucking Pyle, man? Fuck that. Screw you guys.

Dex: Awwww, dude, there's a certain order you're supposed to do things in, and telling someone you love them is definitely last in that order.

Dave: Well, when are you supposed to tell 'em?

Dex: I dunno. Maybe your 40th wedding anniversary or something?

Dex: You think it's more honest to pretend to listen to a woman when you're just thinking about getting laid.

Dave: I think it's more honest than pretending I don't wanna get laid, ya know?

Dex: That's the whole point. Don't pretend, man. Just really let go of your desire.

Dave: I'm not looking for enlightenment, Dex. I'm looking for a girlfriend.

Dave: I'M A TAOIST!

Dex: What are you excellent at?

Dave: I'm an excellent camper.

Dex: Ok, but you can't camp in front of a woman.

[Standing next to a Porsche]

Dave: I appreciate beautiful things.

Heidi: Beautiful fast things.

Dave: Beautiful fast German things... Heidi, right?

Ethan: They call me Cool Ethan. I live in Heineraker Hall.

Dave: Alright - cool.

Dave: I brought you coffee.

Ethan: I don't touch that stuff.

Dave: Can I come in?

Ethan: No. No one comes into Ethan's room. Ethan's rules.

Dave: What's that smell?

Ethan: Maybe it's the smell of your ass getting kicked out of school.

Mr. Leonard: Good afternoon, Mr. Dulles.

Dave: Call me Jack.

Mr. Leonard: But is says here your first name is Ethan?

Dave: Nah, just call me Jack.

Mr. Leonard: All right, Jack. If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

Dave: Hmmm, I'd have to say... slave to the freaky ass booty.

Mr. Leonard: That's more then one word.

Singing Waiter: When I say happy, you say birthday! Happy!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Birthday!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Happy!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Birthday!

Singing Waiter: When I say birthday, you say party! Birthday!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Party!

Dave: I'm a commercial airline pilot.

Hot Twin #1: Yeah, whatever.

Dave: No, I'm a commercial airline pilot.

Hot Twin #1: Ha, ha.

Dave: I, ladies, am a professional... commercial... airline... pilot.

Hot Twin #1: Cool!

Hot Twin #2: Cool!

Hot Twin #1: Is he a pilot too?

Jeff: FBI. I get the ugly one.

Angela: You are a child and you are manipulative and even worse... you're a whore.

Dave: I am not a whore.

Dave: [talking to himself] A whore? How am I a whore?

Dave: It was my fate to meet her.

Jeff: But it wasn't your fate to be with her. Unfortunately, my friend, fate has a different plan for you. You will grow up, go out into the world. You'll forget all about the things that happened here. Ethan, Angela... the shit we pulled. Those hookers that we thought were girls. And you're going to go out there and no-one - no-one can shoot you down because a woman one time stepped on your heart and left a scar in its wake. That is your fate, Dave. Just as it is my fate to some day become shogun.

Johnny: Don't call me Elvis! If you can't use my proper name, why don't you try "Carl Perkins, Jr." or something? I mean, I don't call them "Sam & Dave", do I?

Dave: Hey, man. My name is Dave.

Rich: Dave, can I get a re-fire?

Dave: What did you just say to me?

Rich: The guy at table five wants it cooked a little bit more.

Dave: No! They asked for it medium rare. It's perfect. If he wants it cooked more, tell him to go shove it up his ass.

Rich: You want me to tell that guy to cook this in his ass?

Dave: Yeah, within the inside of his anus.

Dave: Why do they call you Nuts?

Nuts: Because I'm crazy.

Dave: You don't look crazy.

Nuts: Oh I'm insane. You should see me without my meds. My last job, didn't take my meds one day... an hour later, I was walking around naked with peanut butter in my hair, telling people my name was Zongo. I delivered an old lady a cup of hot water with my balls in it.

Dave: [laughs nervously] Talk about your Red Zinger.

Nuts: Yeah, but I don't remember any of it. My balls were red though.

[thinks, chuckles]

Dave: ¿Cómo se dice Cleveland Steamer?

Dave: Well, you don't look at the mantle piece when you're poking the fire, do ya?

Kevin: What happens if you're poking the mantle piece?

Dave: [They arrive at the mansion] Maybe somebody does live here?

Kreon: [Watching from afar] Somebody does live here, forever...

Carol: You don't "play", the quija board is a tool for communication.

Dave: Communication with who?

Carol: The dead.

Adrienne: The dead? But they're dead!

Carol: Dying isn't the end, it's a beginning.

Linda: Aren't you supposed to ask it questions?

Carol: Some poor soul or souls are supposed to inhabit each board. They're duty-bound to answer any question put to it. The dead have never left us, their world exists all around us, through this board, the dead can reach out to us...

Frank Falenczyk: You gonna run and tell mommy?

Dave: That's right, Frank. I'm going to run and tell mommy.

Frank Falenczyk: Shit.

Dave: You ball your socks, you floss, and you don't hide booze in the toilet tank.

Dave: [pauses] You live like a Mormon.

Dave: Remind me to be nice to you... Cock.

Dave: In a town with a ten percent vacancy rate a real estate agent is god, and that's what I am: a real estate agent.

Jerry: It's a spaceship!

Dave: Yeah. Told you.

Ziggy: Whoa, dude. You mean... you're a beach babe from beyond?

Sola: You bet your ass, dude.

[last lines]

Dave: This has been great.

Xena: I'm so glad I met you.

[they kiss]

Xena: I have to go.

Dave: And I can't ask for your phone number or your address?

Xena: I'll find you. Don't worry.

[they kiss]

Xena: Bye.

Dave: Hi, my name is Dave and I am sexually compulsive.

Dave: [Sue unbuttons top of dress and tucks edges under to reveal cleavage] What are you doing? That dress!

Sue: This is the way the designer intended the dress to be worn.

Dave: Did the designer intend for every other guy in here to look at your tits?

Sue: Dave, they're my tits, not yours.

Dave: You're my wife! That makes them our tits. And our tits should be home where they belong, not out on the town. And I do mean out.

Tony Di Marco: [to Sue] I have a little hunch about something. Are you a stewardess for TWA?

Dave: No. She's a wife... with the PTA. You know, uh, supermarkets, church, McDonald's. You know the type.

Sue: Dave, it's good for us to experience new things. We have to reach out together, be more open to things.

Dave: Oh God, you've been reading Cosmopolitan again.

Dave: [watching Sue dance with Tony] If she can experience, I can experience.

[He walks over to Jackie]

Dave: You always stand like that?

Jackie: Only when I feel my energy being drained. Standing on one leg doesn't allow the energy complete flow. You can lose it in the floor. Would you like to dance?

Dave: Well, uh...

Jackie: Yes! You would.

Dave: Yeah, O.K.

Samantha: So, what's the deal with all of you guys up in the house?

Dave: Well, Adam's always had a soft spot for, uh...

Samantha: ...slacker, loser, fuck-up leeches?

Dave: Sure, if you want to put a positive spin on it.

Dave: Mr. Goldbluth, we can take you to the top of the beef world. The highest altitude in gourmet dining. Meat so soft, people don't even bother to use their teeth. The meat just seems to melt as it makes contact with your mouth.

Goldbluth: Yeah.

[turns head to kitchen staff, shouts]

Goldbluth: You hear that! You don't even have to chew it.

Dave: You don't give a shit!

Maurice: I give a lot of shit!

Dave: It's a big world.

Maurice: Yea, don't eat it!

Tony: Listen. You ever have a call for firearms? You ever need anything like that? Automatic weapons, UZIs, AK-47s, M-16s, all the way up to rocket launchers, baby bombers down the other side. We deliver to anywhere in the world. No limit, high multiples?

Dave: What's your, uh, position?

Tony: Sales.

Dave: If I wasn't so lazy, I'd become a workaholic.

Dave: [Sees Ferris trying to do crazy paving] What happened here?

Ferris: It's crazy paving.

Dave: This isn't crazy paving Ferris, this is just shit.

Ferris: I was trying to... you know?

Dave: You've got no artistic vision here, have you? It's just a random fucking big mess.

Ferris: It's crazy paving, you just bung slabs down.

Dave: No, I think you're focusing too much on the crazy aspect, and not enough on the paving side of it.

Ferris: Have you come round here just to have a go at my crazy paving?

Dave: No, but...

Ferris: What then?

Dave: Nothing.

Ferris: [stands up and moves aside] You're standing on my string.

Dave: What kind of concrete are you using? Cause you know there's different kinds, don't ya?

Ferris: I'm not being funny Dave, but you're getting on my nerves.

Dave: I'm just saying there's different types of concrete. Use the wrong one and... you're fucked!

Ferris: It's just ordinary concrete!

Dave: Tolly is driving me round the twist. He never stops wanking. I just had to get out of there.

Ferris: Try living here with Joan. Twenty-four hours a day it's either blowjobs or crazy paving.

Dave: Look at us. Half-eleven on a Saturday morning. We shouldn't be standing here like this. We're young blokes! We should be living life to the full. We should be down the pub!

Dave: We're lookin' for our birds, ain't we, ya wazzock!

Immigration 1: I think their interest in them is sexual.

Baz: Too fuckin' right it's sexual. Our Sandra gives him a hard-on!

Immigration 1: What did he say? What did you just say?

Baz: [speaking slowly] Our Sandra. Him. Hard-on!

Immigration 2: Osama Bin Laden?

[Baz and Dave are shown being deported to Afghanistan]

[last lines]

Dave: Gosh, all the fighting and worrying people do, it always seems to be about one thing. They don't seem to trust each other. Well, I've found this out. Don't look for trouble where there isn't any, because if you don't find it, you'll make it. Just believe in someone.

Toddorbert Guzinski: Anyway, this Steve guy, snapped up Beth quicker than you can say tian gu li ao.

Dave: The turtles they are crying.

Toddorbert Guzinski: In Mandarin Chinese.

[on phone]

Dave: Can you send your gorgeous hunk of a man to O'Doogles bar in town... that's right O'Doogles... I know that! Thank you, that's very sweet. You're very sweet.

Dave: Daddy doesn't exit.

[Dave is recording a log of the expedition out into nothing]

Dave: As far as the surface goes, it's, ah...

[jumps]

Dave: ...kinda bouncy, like, uh...

Andrew: Tofu!

Dave: What?

Andrew: Tofu. I've, I've never actually had it, but I think maybe this is what it would feel like to walk on it.

Dave: [jumps] You're right. The nothingness looks, feels and bounces like tofu... which, ironically, tastes like nothing.

Andrew: I'm getting hungry.

Dave: No food for another two hours.

Dave: We can't be dead. We have cable.

Andrew: Maybe we slipped into another dimension.

Dave: There has to be something to eat.

Andrew: Like through a portal or something.

Dave: There's nothing to eat!

Andrew: A space-time continuum.

Dave: Where's the food?

Andrew: A black hole, or a red dwarf. Time warp! Maybe we fell into some sort of time warp. Abducted! Yes! Maybe that's it, we were abducted by aliens!

[Dave is babbling insanely on the floor and assembling a trap out of the garbage can]

Andrew: And they've taken us back to their planet and put us in some kind of zoo with a sign that said, "Don't feed the humans," which is crazy, because we'll die, and who's gonna want to go to the zoo to see two dead humans? Unless they're going to eat us, but why wouldn't they want to fatten us up before the slaughter? Unless they're feeding us, and we just don't know it! Or they're not feeding us and they're just waiting and watching to see how we'll react, what we'll do! What are you doing?

Dave: I'm making a trap!

Andrew: For what?

Dave: The food! The food, you idiot, the food!

Andrew: Oh my God, we're going to die.

Dave: For once, I don't think you're overreacting.

Dave: I'm not mad at you. You want to know why? Because I hated it away. Because this is stupid. I mean, we've been friends for 21 years. I don't want to be mad at you. I don't want you to be mad at me. I want us to have fun. I want us to be happy. And I think we can. I mean, I'm out there and I'm all pissed off at you, and then I was like, well, fuck it! We can do whatever we want, right? So I say, fuck being mad with each other. So what do you say? Why don't you take whatever it is that's bothering you about me and just hate it away?

Andrew: Because I don't want to.

Dave: What do you mean? Why not?

Andrew: Because this is something I want to remember.

Dave: Why?

Andrew: Because you're the type of person who abandons his best friend, and that's something I don't want to forget.

Dave: Fuck you! Shit, now I'm mad again.

Dave: You ever killed a man?

Andrew: What? No! Have you?

Dave: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: You have?

Dave: [taps head] In here, loads of times. I'm just saying, you have to be mentally prepared. It could get bloody in there.

Andrew: Bloody?

Dave: Yeah. Now say something funny.

Andrew: What?

Dave: You say something funny; I laugh, you laugh, and we look like two guys out for a stroll around the neighborhood, not two guys ready to kill someone without a moment's hesitation!

Andrew: [squinting] That looks like our house.

Dave: Ah ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! Ha! Oh, yeah! Ha, ha! That's a good one! Ha, ha, ha, ha ...

Andrew: No, that really does look like our house!

Dave: No mercy. You got that?

Andrew: Yeah.

Dave: So say it.

Andrew: [hesitantly] No... mercy.

Dave: You sound like a Frenchman! Say it like you mean it.

Andrew: I just saw a candybar.

Dave: What? We didn't bring any candybars.

[Andrew points]

Dave: Andrew! That's not a candybar! That's a dwelling of some sort! You did it, buddy! We're saved!

Andrew: [jumping up and down] Candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar!

[Dave looks embarrassed]

Andrew: Candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candy -

[Dave slaps him]

Andrew: You're right! It is a dwelling of some sort!

Andrew: Hey!

Dave: Oh, sorry.

Andrew: You did that on purpose!

Dave: What do you mean?

Andrew: I was just about to beat you for the first time, and you shut off the game!

Dave: No I didn't.

Andrew: Yes you did!

Dave: Well, it was an accident.

Andrew: I - I can't believe this! I was gonna win!

Dave: Fine, you want to play again?

Andrew: Fine! Let's play again!

Dave: Well, not if you're gonna be like that.

Dave: Bye-bye, Andrew's thing on the floor next to the thing with the thing in it!

Mounted Police Officer: Dave Johnson?

Dave: Yes?

Mounted Police Officer: You're under arrest. For embezzlement

Dave: [closing door] Oh, hang on a sec, let me just get my horse.

Man In Suit: In accordance with Section 37, Bylaw 315, which states that no area may be zoned for residential purposes within 100 yards of a freeway. This house can't be here.

Dave: But it *is* here.

Man In Suit: But not for long.

Andrew: This is my house, you can't just take it away!

Dave: Not without paying for it.

Man In Suit: Well of course, we *would* pay it...

Dave: Right.

Man In Suit: But according to our records, this address doesn't exist.

Dave: Doesn't exist, of course it exists!

Man In Suit: Not according to our records, you see?

Dave: Well, if it doesn't exist, how can you tear it down?

Man In Suit: Because it's in violation of Section 37, Bylaw 31. You have to 'til 3 o'clock.

Foreman: You ladies got any beer?

Dave: NO. And if we had, we wouldn't give YOU any!

[slams the door shut]

Dave: That's right you two - no actually, you know what, you're a ten-faced dick. And that's a lot of dick.

Dave: Your mama's got no teeth and that's perfect for her line of work!

Dave: [to suit of armor] What's up my good man? Could you point me to the hydroponics room?

Dave: [trying to calm everyone down] You know what, let's just chill. Let's smoke some doobs and do some yoga or something.

Dave: Dude, this place would be awesome if it wasn't so old.

Dave: Alfred! Nice Batcave, my brother!

Flit: Man, this is huge! Way to go, Jeeves!

Dave: Oh good, you found her.

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: Found who?

Dave: Mrs. de Marco.

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: Who's Mrs. de Marco?

Dave: I dunno. But you're standing right on top of her.

Dave: Let's have a beer. Have a baby!

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: I've met this girl, this gorgeous, greek girl... Sophie. And she looks like one of them 60s filmstars.

Dave: Gina Lollobrigida?

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: That's right! Gina Lollobrigida.

Dave: How old is she?

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: She's beautiful, really beautiful.

Dave: How old is she?

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: She likes me.

Dave: How old is she, Carl?

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: She's... 19, Dave. And... I think I'm in love.

Dave: Take it easy, mate. Last time you were in love you got married.

Dave: So when did you meet her?

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: Yesterday.

Dave: Oh, it's fairly serious, then.

Dave: Was that you?

Carl 'Cookie' Fitzgerald: No.

Dave: Must've been me. Sorry.

Dave: Neighborhood needs a fucking crime wave. Get property values where they belong.

[after Dave comes in with blood all over him]

Dave: So, I'm walking to my car, and this guy comes up to me and he asks for a light. I say I don't smoke. He says neither does he. So, my heart starts clocking a buck fifty, 'cause there's no one around but me and him.

Celeste Boyle: [Celeste sits to bandage his stomach] Oh, my God.

Dave: So that's when I see the knife. He says, 'Your wallet or your life, bitch. I'm leaving with one of 'em.'

Celeste Boyle: That's what he said?

Dave: Yeah! So I try to brush past him, and that's when he slices me.

Celeste Boyle: I thought you said that you swung on him first.

Dave: Jesus, Celeste, can I tell the fuckin' story?

[She realizes now that he's crying]

Celeste Boyle: I'm sorry, babe. Ssshh.

Dave: I went fuckin' nuts on him, baby. I went off! I bashed his head on the parking lot. There was blood everywhere, and I might 'a' killed him!

Celeste Boyle: Killed him!

[She sees that he's sobbing and stands up to hug him]

Celeste Boyle: Ssshh.

Dave: It makes you feel alone, you know, hurtin' somebody?

Dave: Now that we can stop kissing each other asses, I got to point out

[points at Matt]

Dave: ... you see the first punch he threw?

Pete Dunham: Yeah.

Dave: Little bit on the feminine side.

Matt Buckner: What?

Pete Dunham: A bit gay. A little bit gay.

Pete Dunham: [to Bovver] This is Matt, Shannon's brother.

Matt Buckner: [Holds his hand out to Bovver] Hey.

[Bovver turns his head and smokes his cigarette]

Swill: That's the painting on his face, he don't give a fuck, does he? He don't give a fuck.

Pete Dunham: Mate, he's practically family.

[Bovver shrugs]

Swill: [laughing] Oh mate, he's fucking painful!

Pete Dunham: Bov's a miserable cunt, but we love him dearly don't we boys?

Dave: Yeah, sometimes.

Swill: Like a fucking brother!

Pete Dunham: [after Pete introduces Matt to his friends at the Abbey] Where's Bovver?

Swill: He's been in the toilet for about fifteen minutes, like dodgy Ruby or something down at Bengal last night.

Dave: [Dave points at Matt] Oh, look, look, he looks lost. No, "Ruby Murray" means curry. We call it Cockney rhyming slang...

Matt Buckner: Slang. Yeah, like, uh, "bees and honey" for money.

Dave: That's it, yeah.

Swill: Like "struggle and grunt" for cunt!

Dave: Oh, you went dark. Why'd you go...

Swill: I'm not a cunt.

Bovver: [Bovver walks up to the table] Like "septic tank" for Yank.

Pete Dunham: [the guys greet him; Pete hugs him and indicates Matt] This is Matt, Shannon's brother.

Matt Buckner: Hey.

[Matt extends his hand; Bovver ignores it and the guys all laugh]

Swill: That's the proper, right? He don't give a fuck, does he? He don't give a fuck.

Pete Dunham: Mate, he's practically family.

[Bovver shrugs and the guys laugh again]

Swill: Oh, mate, it's fucking painful!

Pete Dunham: Bov's a miserable cunt, but we love him dearly, don't we, boys?

Dave: Eh, sometimes.

[he smiles]

Swill: Like a fucking brother!

Bovver: [after Matt has been introduced to the guys and sent to buy a round] What's with all the fuckin' babysitting? You know we had a meet set up for today.

Pete Dunham: It's all right, Bov. He'll stay out the way. It's not like we didn't have it last night.

Bovver: What? That's not the bloody point, is it? We'll look like right mugs if we set something up and our fearless leader don't show 'cause he's playin' pin the tail on a fuckin' Yank.

Ned: No, he's right, man. He's got a point.

Pete Dunham: You let me worry 'bout that, all right, boys?

[Matt returns with the beers]

Pete Dunham: As for the Yank, he's too modest to tell you, but back in the States, he's an internationally-ranked double-black belt in karate.

Dave: Is he fuck? Look at the size of him.

Pete Dunham: No, no, no, no. Bloody "Karate Kid" film? Based on his exploits.

Dave: Really?

Pete Dunham: Yeah.

Dave: Really?

Matt Buckner: Yeah, it's true.

Pete Dunham: Fuckin' straight.

Swill: Bollocks.

[Matt looks at Swill nervously]

Swill: Bollocks.

Matt Buckner: Come on, why not?

Swill: You're lyin' already. You been here fuckin' five minutes and you're lyin'!

[everybody laughs]

Dave: Who's the old guy?

Fred: You mean Lou? He used run numbers for the dinosaurs.

Dave: [Indicating the students] They look like football hooligans!

Henry Wilt: They *are* football hooligans!

Dave: My wife makes me take off my clothes in the garage. Then she leaves out a bucket of warm water and some soap. And then she douses everything in hand sanitizer after I leave. I mean, she's overreacting, right?

Dr. Erin Mears: Not really. And stop touching your face, Dave.

Dave: I wanted to turn it into a hit.

Greta: Why?

[Billy joins Dave at the table to his Big Bad Wolf Club]

Billy: I don't really know what it is, but I like it.

Dave: Well, it's a place for people to get wild for the night. Fuck being polite.

[Dave gives Billy a piece of advice]

Dave: The wolves... if they're not already at your door... they're gonna be there very fucking soon. Pardon my French.

[Dave hands Billy a business card to a job offer]

Billy: What's this?

Dave: It's a job.

Billy: And where is that?

Dave: Well, it's... closer than somewhere over the rainbow. Let's put it that way. I think you'll like it.

[Billy meets Dave, telling him of her financial situation]

Billy: Carl talked me into this loan. He told me that, um, he could get me into my grandmother's house for nothing and that I shouldn't be paying someone else's mortgage, and he didn't explain it to me, and I never understood it. And then a couple years later, the rates changed entirely, and I... he didn't explain...

Dave: [Dave cuts Billy off] Can I... Can I just... Can I just cut across you for a moment there, please? Listen... I, I am all ears, but you're gonna have to talk up a little bit, 'cause I am very deaf. This happens to be my good ear here, but all I heard then was, 'Mah, bluh, buh, blah, blah, blah, bluh, blah.' So, just... Whatever it was you just said, please, just a little louder. I can't quite hear it.

[Dave tells Billy the financial situation she's in]

Dave: Okay, Billy. We are in the middle of a very tight fiscal knot, and it's squeezing, and you are right in the middle of it. Now, you could pay your three months. You can walk away with some money. You could pay your three months and then pay more and more, and you can keep the house...

Billy: So I can?

Dave: If that's really what you wanna do. But, what can you do? What sort of work do you do?

Dave: [Billy doesn't reply] Well, that doesn't sound promising.

[Billy tells Dave why she wants to keep her house]

Billy: I have two boys, and that is our home, and... and I grew up in that home, and that is our home.

Dave: Look, I can make a note for you, right? I can write a fucking novel. But at the end of the day, you're gonna have to come up with some of this.

[Dave makes the motion of cash with his fingertips]

[Dave tells Billy she needs to do what she needs to do]

Dave: Now, I don't know what you can do, but you want to have a think about that very seriously. What you can do, what you're willing to do. And you're a very beautiful lady, and I don't care what you do. I'm not what I do. It's not who I am. Everyone's gotta do the Shimmy-Shimmy-Ya. You know, I got my little hustle. It's not who I fucking am. Believe me.

[Dave sings on stage at his club]

Dave: [Dave singing] All day I've faced the barren waste, without a taste of water / Cool water / Old Dan and I, with throats burned dry and so-o-uls that cry / For water / Cool... Clear... Water / Keep on movin', Dan, don't you listen to him, Dan / He's a devil, not a man / He spreads the burning sand with water / Dan, can you see that big, green tree / Where the water's running free, and it's waiting there for me and you / Co-o-o-l... Cle-e-e-ar... Water / Keep on movin', Dan, don't you listen to him, Dan / He's a devil, not a man / He spreads the burning sand with water / Dan, can you see that big, green tree / Where the water's running free, and it's waiting there for me and you / Co-o-o-l... Cle-e-e-ar... Water... Water... Cool... Clear... Water.

Dave: I need a drink after that one.

MC: [Dave walks off stage] By the way, he's also available for children's parties.

[Billy tells Dave her problem with the Shells as he tells her his problem is sex]

Dave: You've seen the Shells, right?

Billy: Yeah. I'm a little claustrophobic, though, so I might have a problem. I'm not sure.

Dave: Yeah, well, I have a problem, too, you know? I like to fuck. That's my problem. And when I meet a bad bitch, it drives me crazy. Now, really, really... think about it.

Dave: Chalky

[Standing outside a tenement building occupied by West Indian families]

Dave: This place gives me the shits, bloody nig-nogs everywhere. It's like bleedin' Calcutta around here.

Chalky: Dave: Calcutta's in India.

Chalky: Chalky: Yeah, West India; it's where they bleedin' come from, ain't it?

[first lines]

Sara: [riding in a car] I don't remember this.

Dave: It hasn't changed much. Look out for number 42.

Sara: Okay.

Dave: [Pointing to man on phone] That's his boss, he's been trying for an hour to get his expense account boosted.

Eddie: The way this guy holds onto a dollar you'd think they weren't printing them any more.

Jacques Warriner: You think it's a good show then, Zany?

Francis Zanfield: It's just an oil well, that's all.

Jacques Warriner: Alright, let's see your gusher.

Dave: Looks like a mine to me, from all the gold diggers you got in the troupe!

Michael: What I think will really help is if I get a word processor.

Dave: Ah, yes, a venerable instrument.

Michael: Kind of speed up the 'ol writing. What do you recommend?

Dave: Well, I know a dealer out in Queens. IBM, with everything... $4,000, includes the printer.

Michael: No. Less. Less. Mucho less.

Dave: Wait a few years till the prices come down?

Michael: I don't wanna wait.

Dave: You know what I suggest?

Michael: Yeah?

Dave: Just write.

Michael: Hmmm?

Dave: You know, you get a pen, some paper, put some marks on it. Works real well.

Michael: [sarcastically] Thanks, Dave.

[last lines]

Dave: [after having been hit by car] Reality is a deadly place. I hope this trip is a good one.

[dies]

Stoney: [rapping in Dave's rooftop crash pad] Is love lesson number one over, man?

Dave: All the games have to go, man. Cause it's all one big plastic hassle.

Stoney: So live in a jelly jar.

Dave: [gesturing] You see this little beam of light?

[shuts off beam with hand]

Dave: Well, that's all there is. The rest is in your head.

[Stoney and his band have just gotten offstage]

Dave: [offering Stoney a joint] Why so happy? Is it the fame or the fortune?

Stoney: Oh man, Dave, you are relentless.

Dave: Tell me your philosophy, Stoney. Let's talk about something important. What color Continental are you going to buy?

Stoney: [putting Dave on] Cantaloupe, man.

Dave: That's interesting. Uh. Let me ask you this. How do you stand on monogrammed shirts?

Stoney: Love 'em, man, love 'em. Wear 'em for underwear all the time you know. Anything with my initials on it. Individual against the collective conforming society and all that

Dave: Hmm. Well, I don't care what your bag is man, as long as you're honest about what you want.

Stoney: Well, I'm honest Dave, very honest.

Dave: Well, pretty soon that little girl you're pretending not to notice, that one standing right there with her eyes full of love, pretty soon you'll start worrying about whether you can afford her. And then it's buy now, pay later. 9 to 5 the rest of your life.

Stoney: [sarcastic] Pretty soon the boogie man'll get me.

Dave: [to Jenny] You're looking lovely this morning, Jenny. Tell him I'm right. You're not one to play games. Tell him how it is.

Jenny Davis: I'm just catching a bus.

Edie: Are you really the Devil?

Satan: Yes.

Edie: Would you like some soup?

[Satan looks completely baffled]

Dave: She's a Buddhist.

Dave: I have a mind, I have senses. The soul is really just our awareness of things and is a material phenomenon.

[last lines]

Dave: [on radio] Sheriff?

Sheriff: Yeah, Dave?

Dave: Ran the Sinclair family through CDIC. Trudy and the doctor didn't have two sons. They had three.

Shelby: My parents are sick okay? They need me, I'm all they have.

Dave: You're fucking lying. Your parents hate you, they cut you off.

Gena: I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant!

Josh: No she's not! She's lying to you. She's fucking lying

Gena: I'm not.

[Carousel stops on Gena]

Gena: I'm pregnant. Push the thing. Push the thing! Mr. Easton push it. Push it!

Dave: [looking at Playboy] God bless her mom and dad.

Dave: I've got the munchies!

[Newby walks over to where Dave and Tommy are both jokingly dancing with a paper cut-out of a cupid]

Chief Jake Newby: You'd better put that thing back where you found it or I'll turn you both upside-down, especially you.

Dave: This is my date, Chief!

Tommy Whitcomb: You're lookin' pretty good babyface, what's the occasion?

Dave: I figure it'll get Newby off my back and besides, I wanna get outta this town real soon.

[about the dark staircase, to Kate and Jack]

Dave: You guys came through this? You're braver than I thought.

[Charlie and Jack see the ominous shadows moving along the wall.]

Jack: We have to go. Now!

Kate: Oh, no. Oh...

Dave: [nervous, but trying to hide it] What's the matter? Big man with the scalpel is afraid of his own shadow?

Jack: Only when they're trying to kill me.

Nica: "It's not wht it looks like...".

Dave: "Nica?".

Nica: "It's worse...".

Phonce: There's a phone booth down by the baseball diamond. Now nobody will see you there and it's nice and quiet.

Dave: Why can't we make the phone call from here?

Phonce: Because, sir, we've got to cover our backs. Alright, Dave? They've probably got some sort of a call-tracing mechanism down at the CBC just in case some lunatic calls in and says he's planning on skullfucking the premier.

Dave: Everybody You've Gotta Get Out Of Here. There's A BOMB!

Nica Soles: Wait... Wait... Wait It's Not What It Looks Like!

Dave: Nica?

Nica Soles: It's Even Worse!

Webster: [last lines; Dave has finally caught Webster doing a robbery] Did you bring your gun with you?

Dave: What do you think?

Webster: Because that's the only way you're going to bring me in. Jail does not suit my lifestyle. So if you want to bring me in, you're going to have to shoot me.

Dave: [pause, then] Maybe I'll just have to do that.

Webster: If you feel about me the way I've grown to feel about you... then I don't envy you.

[Dave stares at Webster, but says and does nothing. The sound of police sirens is heard. Webster turns and starts to run; Dave just stands there and watches him escape]

[last lines]

Phil the Alien: Dave?

Dave: Yeah Phil?

Phil the Alien: C'mon let's go... you drive...

Dave: Really?

Phil the Alien: [holds up keys] Really...

[Twister, Dave's talking monster truck, has just been shot in the radiator]

Dave: Does it hurt?

Twister: Only when I shift.

Dave: Every shot you've called, Mr. Artificial Intelligence, has been a loser. To me, love has clogged your transistors. You've got emotion flowing through your logic circuit.

Twister: Stop the insults. I suppose your plans have shown less emotion by threatening people with guns and blowing up buildings...

Dave: No, but I'm just a cowboy and I'm supposed to feel emotion when I'm in love. You are a pile of transistors and circuits. You're supposed to calculate and think.

Twister: I'll give you something to think about! If you don't get me back to the garage, I'll become a pile of scrap metal and my creator and your wife will become history.

Twister: I am my usual logical, thinking self!

Dave: C'mon... I'm only pulling your tire.

Twister: While you have been doing all that manual labor, I have been thinking.

Dave: Why can't you just say, "I have a plan."

Twister: Be calm. I'm only pulling you lip.

Dave: It's leg. Nobody likes a smartass truck.

Dave: Hey, Scotty, you're not Scotch, are you?

Scotty: No.

Dave: Then, why do they call you Scotty?

[Scotty thinks]

Scotty: Cause I'm Irish.

Dave: Has somebody come to town!