Claude Quotes in You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)

Claude: It's not that big.

Zohan: No, not that. The bush, is biggest you ever seen, right?

Richard: So, what was your name again?

Claude: Claude.

Richard: Oh. Well, that's a very odd name for someone from... uh... where are you from again?

Claude: Mbasa.

Richard: Yeah, that's a very odd name for someone from Mbasa.

Claude: Have you ever been to Mbasa?

Richard: Um, no.

Claude: Then what do you know about it?

Claude: [as Harper is checking out the "Temple in the Clouds"] I know you think me a charlatan. I can only say that if you were correct, then death could not claim me too quickly. You obviously have some strong connection with the Sampsons. Don't deride me to them, I beg you. The gift of this temple was the beginning of my life. I know to you I look ridiculous, but I only want to increase the amount of love in this world. Where is the harm?

Lew Harper: Nowhere.

Claude: I'm sorry. You may not come onto holy ground. You've not been purified. I was once a lost and evil man, blind-hearted and sinful. Miranda, here, can tell you that. But then the sword of the blessed sun slew the black beast of the flesh, and I was purified at last.

Lew Harper: Can't I just look around?

Claude: You'll be risking the wrath of the sun god.

Lew Harper: I'm lionhearted.

Claude: [crying] I haven't got a choice. It's a dead end. There's nothing but blackness!

Claude: I'm scared, Marion. Hold me...

[Marion comes across Claude, in a dark stable]

Marion: What are you doing here?

[His foot taps an empty bottle, which he examines]

Marion: This is...!

Claude: Keep quiet, Marion. I want to die.

Marion: What?

Claude: It's filthy, living like this.

Claude: I love you, Marion! I LOVE YOU!

Lindo: Just look at us: everybody else has gone home, free for the summer. And we're still stuck in our uniforms!

Claude: Rule 11: Uniforms must be worn at all times, so it says.

Marion: Rules, rules, rules! It's a rule to wake up in the morning, it's a rule to gargle after you brush your teeth...

Claude: It's also a rule not to talk back to your teacher. They think they can keep students under control with their rules.

Claude: Do you know the myth of Leda and the Swan? Zeus turned himself into a swan, and seduced Leda. And she gave birth to two eggs.

Jacques: So, Leda and the Swan had sex.

Claude: I wonder, what sort of man becomes a swan?

Lindo: Did you put this up hoping to be that sort of man?

Claude: [looks at Marion] I feel as though I never will be...

Lindo: Don't get so serious, sex is only a reproductive act. You don't need love to have sex, it's just a natural physical need.

Jacques: It's no different from eating or drinking!

Marion: Stop it!

[walks out]

Jacques: Damn, he always runs away when we talk about this...

Lindo: He's slow in that aspect.

Claude: But have any of you ever been with a woman?

Claude: There's a guy down the beach that runs people out to the island.

Allen: What's the name?

Claude: The guy, or the island?

Allen: I'll find him.

Claude: Hey, Mr. Cornbeef?

Walter Kornbluth: Kornbluth!

Claude: Watcha lookin' for down there? Buried treasure?

Walter Kornbluth: Wanna know what I'm looking for? Boys? I'll tell ya. NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS! THATS'S WHAT I'M LOOKIN' FOR! Get outta my way!

[he dives off the ship and into the water]

Claude: That's pee down his air hose.

Claude: It's like zee story of zee heeppo.

Reuben Feffer: I'm not familiar with that story.

Claude: Zee heeppopotamoose, he is not born saying, "Cool beans. I am a heeppo." No way, Joesay. So he try to paint zee stripe on him to be like zee zebra, but he fool no one. Then he try to put zee spot on zee skin to be like the leopard, but everyboody know he is a heeppo. So, at certain point, he look himself in zee mirror and he just say, "Hey. I am a heeppopotamoose and zere is nothing I can do about it." As soon as he accepts zis, he live life happy. Happy as a heeppo. You understand zis, Luban?

Reuben Feffer: [long pause] I'm gonna kill you!

Claude: Luban! Look me in my eyeball. I treat her like my own flesh and blood.

Reuben Feffer: What did you do to her? Did you mess around with her oxygen tanks or something?

Claude: I did nothing, Luban.

Reuben Feffer: My name is not Luban! It is Reuben!

Claude: Look, look we had a scuba, we drink some white wine, we talk about life and we cannot help it. It is like love at first sight. She make like the fire in my trouser.

Claude: Solid.

Claude: Holy shit, Luban! This is not what it look like!

Malcolm: Paul apologizes for not coming. She's still getting the house ready.

Margot: I'm sorry it was such short notice.

Malcolm: I don't care. Paul's frantic, but I don't give a shit. Oh, and Ingrid wants me to tell you that she made us all bracelets.

Ingrid: No, I said we should wait.

Malcolm: I thought you asked me to tell them. Anyways, I got Knicks colours.

Ingrid: They're not Knicks colours!

Margot: It's beautiful, Ingrid.

Ingrid: Where's your dad and Josh?

Claude: They might come later.

Margot: Josh's spring break is next week, and then Jim teaches through Friday. Then he opens the house in Vermont on the weekend.

Malcolm: It means a lot to Pauline that you came.

Margot: Good.

Malcolm: [swerving to avoid a car] Holy Jesus! Watch it, dicksack! God! If you're wondering about the mustache...

Margot: No, I wasn't.

Malcolm: I had a full beard for a while, and then when I shaved it I left this part for last, you know, to see how it looked. And... it's meant to be funny.

Margot: You didn't notice anything different about Pauline?

Claude: No.

Margot: She's pregnant. She told me. She's keeping it a secret from Malcolm and even Ingrid, which I think is unforgivable. Now she's gonna have to marry him. What's she planning on doing, getting married and not drinking champagne? Then she's just gonna be lying. I guess she's afraid she'll miscarry. She probably will. I think on some level, she's ambivalent about the marriage. That's why she's not telling him.

Claude: Are you stoned, Mom?

Margot: Maybe a little.

Claude: I don't like it.

Margot: You know, Pauline told me she's very disappointed in you.

Claude: Why?

Margot: She thinks you laze about the house. Ingrid is always offering to help clean or cook. She made bracelets for all the guests. Even Malcolm puts up the tent. You just wait until everyone else does it for you.

Claude: That's not true.

Margot: It is true. I wish I taught you better manners...

Claude: I can try to make pop-overs. If I remember how...

Margot: Don't bother.

[She looks at him with grave disappointment]

Claude: Why are you looking at me like that?

Margot: I just see how much you've changed. Your body language. You used to be rounder and more graceful. You're so stiff now, so blasé.

Claude: What do you mean?

Margot: I can't explain it.

[She sees the tears in his eyes]

Margot: It's okay, though.

Claude: Uh-huh.

[He stands up and starts walking away]

Margot: You're still handsome!

Claude: Did she poop in her pants?

Margot: It happens to everyone, not just babies. It will happen to you too someday.

Claude: I LOVE Americans. You all have a good taste.

Andy McDermott: So hey you guy's are werewolve's too huh, super glad to know you

Claude: Andy, i don't think you have accepted the gift that has been given to you or much less appreciated it.

Claude: We have a mission Andy, to purify the world that why we pick our victim's through the scul of society, the government's of the world spend billions on medicine, welfare, charity to what affect it only keeps alive the weak the stupid the lazy who breed and multiply and weaking the human race.

Claude: All my men I have chosen for their loyalty their dedication to the coming age

Claude: but you, you were not to have been, you're an accident, an anomaly, I do not wish to kill you, I pray you will join is in our rise to become the new mankind. Pure free of disease free from the trappings of technological advance, will you join us... Andy?

Andy McDermott: I don't know... you know that's a big decision, I'm gonna need some time to think about that.

Claude: Sure.

Claude: [Andy has just met Claude] Andy: Are you her, uh, brother?

Andy McDermott: Claude: Let's just say I... look after her.

[Professor Marcus enters the phone booth right as the phone rings. On the other end, Claude is in another phone booth outside the train station, watching Mrs. Wilberforce collect their trunk]

Professor Marcus: Now, Major, before we start, let's press button A, shall we?... That's better... Major. Ma - Major! I want you to keep calm, speak quietly, and concentrate. Have you got that? Splendid. Mrs. W. should be coming into view just about...

[hums]

Professor Marcus: ... now... Now she's driving away.

[She does, but comes back]

Professor Marcus: . Major, Major, Major

[throws phone book]

Professor Marcus: RELAX! Calm down!

Claude: Back to the station! She's come back to the station!

Louis: [Enters phone booth] What's wrong? Major!

Professor Marcus: Louis! Louis!

Louis: Major, tell me what's happening! Major!

Professor Marcus: Louis! Louis, will you mind your own business, please!

Harry: [Now Harry is in the phone booth too, and One-Round tries to squeeze in with them] Louis! Give us a listen, Louis! Come on, let me hear, will you? I want to hear!

[to One-Round]

Harry: Get out! Louis, I want to hear what he says!

Louis: [to One-Round] You get out! Major, tell me what's happening!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: [Comes out of the train station with her umbrella] I'm always leaving it.

Louis: [Professor Marcus is laughing] What's she doing?

One-Round: What's going on here?

Professor Marcus: It's all right, it's just that she went back to get her umbrella!

Professor Marcus: [Professor Marcus and his gang are discussing how to do away with Mrs. Wilberforce] It ought to look like an accident.

Harry: How about suicide?

Claude: What do you mean?

Harry: Well, get her to write a note, you know. "I just couldn't stand it no more. Signed, Mrs. Wilberforce." And then somebody goes down and hangs her. Hmm?

Louis: Very funny.

Harry: You got a better idea?

Claude: [the gang is waiting inside the car for One-Round, whose cello case is caught in the crack of the front door of Mrs. Wilberforce's flat] What is that moron playing at?

One-Round: [Yelling] It's stuck in the door. The case is stuck...

Harry: [Interrupts] Well, ring the bell, brains. Don't just stand there.

Harry: [One-Round rings the bell] Thank you.

Professor Marcus: [One-Round keeps tugging at the cello case while Mrs. Wilberforce approaches the door to answer it. All of a sudden, because of One-Round's constant tugging, the cello case rips open, causing all of the banknotes inside of it to flutter out just when Mrs. Wilberforce opens the door and catches him in the act. Seconds later, everyone in the car quickly comes out to help One-Round stuff all of the banknotes back into the case. Professor Marcus tries to put everything at ease] It's all right, Mrs. Wilberforce. Everything's under control. Goodbye.

Professor Marcus: [Professor Marcus closes the door, but Mrs. Wilberforce is still a little skeptical. She cautiously opens the door, after a few seconds of hesitation] Goodbye.

[Professor Marcus closes the door again]

Louis: This is getting us nowhere! We must do something!

Professor Marcus: Quite right, Mr. Harvey. We've got to tell her. Mrs. Wilberforce, I wanted to spare you this, but I'm afraid the police are after you too.

Harry: Hey, that's right! You're as hot as the rest of us, mum.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: As hot?

Claude: If they pick her up, there's no saying what they may do to her.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Pick me up? Would you mind explaining...

Harry: The job was planned in her house. She carried the lolly for us.

Claude: Oh!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Yes, I-I-I know I carried the-the lolly.

Professor Marcus: But she was ignorant of the plan, of course.

Claude: Ignorance, in the sight of the law, is no excuse. Even if we swear that she didn't know what she was doing.

Harry: They'd never believe us.

One-Round: Yeah!

Harry: Humph! Who'd believe anything we said?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh, but this is ridiculous! Uh? I know the Superintendent! I shall deny any knowledge...

Professor Marcus: She'll... never stand up to it, of course.

Harry: Really? The rubber houses?

Professor Marcus: The rest of her life, sewing mail bags?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Mail bags?

Harry: And no one to look after the parrots.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh!

Professor Marcus: We won't let them get you, Mrs. Wilberforce!

Louis: Why not? What's she ever done for us? If they get her, I'll tell them she planned the job. I'll tell them she planned the big one.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh!

Louis: The Eastcastle Street job.

Rémy: We've been everything: separatists, supporters of independantists, sovereignists, sovereignity-associanists...

Pierre: At first, we were existentialists.

Dominique: We read Sartre and Camus.

Claude: Then Fanon, we became anti-colonialists.

Rémy: We read Marcuse and became Marxists.

Pierre: Marxist-Leninists.

Alessandro: Trotskyists.

Diane: Maoists.

Rémy: After Solzhenitsyn we changed, we became structuralists.

Pierre: Situationists.

Dominique: Feminists.

Claude: Deconstructionists.

Pierre: Is there an -ism we haven't worshipped?

Claude: Cretinism.

Duke d'Escargot: What brings you to Paris?

Claude: Oh, you might say a little business...

Charles: ...and a little pleasure.

Duke d'Escargot: Which do you prefer? Business, or pleasure?

Charles: Well that depends on what you regard as business.

Claude: And, what you may regard as pleasure!

Duke d'Escargot: In Paris we say, business is pleasure.

Charles: And to us, pleasure is our business.

Duke d'Escargot: Then your business should be a pleasure, making my pleasure a business.

Claude: Unless, some mistake business for pleasure. While others know no business but pleasure.

Duke d'Escargot: In that case sir I will show you my business.

Claude: My pleasure.

[there are two sets of brothers, a brother from one set has unknowingly spoken to a brother from another set when their actual brothers arrive]

Philippe: How did you get here so fast?

Pierre: I took a secret passageway.

Charles: How did you get here so fast?

Claude: I took a secret passage.

Charles: She's beautiful. I like the king's plan.

Claude: What are you talking about?

Charles: She'll never marry Escargot, it'll be a pleasure killing that swine!

Claude: You've forgotten who you are? You'd be lucky to run the girl through.

Charles: Oh, yeah.

The Man in the Iron Mask: [Claude Coupe, mistaken for Phillipe de Sisi, has just entered the room of the Man in the Iron Mask, he is scared out of his shorts] Has the king forgiven me?

Claude: [screams with hands over his mouth]

The Man in the Iron Mask: Am I free?

[desperate]

The Man in the Iron Mask: Am I free?

Claude: [calmly] Who are you?

The Man in the Iron Mask: I'm the Man in the Iron Mask.

Claude: Oh, ho-ho! How do you do?

The Man in the Iron Mask: What is it?

[he begins walking toward Claude]

The Man in the Iron Mask: Do I look so horrible? Do I frighten you?

Claude: No, no. It's just that you reminded me of somebody else.

The Man in the Iron Mask: [hugs Claude] I'm so glad you came!

Claude: Ho-ho, so am I! So am I!

The Man in the Iron Mask: How can I ever thank you?

Claude: Oh, it's nothing! Nothing. You have a nice place here.

[the man in the iron mask is now shaking Claude's monk costume]

Claude: Oh! Watch the mask. Watch the mask.

The Man in the Iron Mask: Take me with you.

Claude: [grabs the man's helmet] Take me with you! Yes.

The Man in the Iron Mask: Don't leave me alone. Take me.

The Man in the Iron Mask: Look, I'll go outside, then I'll come back and we'll have a last walk.

The Man in the Iron Mask: [speaking over Claude] Please don't leave me here! Please! Please!

[he is obviously desperate]

Claude: [speaking over the Man in the Iron Mask] Look, look, I wouldn't leave you here, you're my friend. But take you with me; I don't even know who you are.

Claude: Yaaaghh!

[he tosses the man off him onto the floor and closes the door, leaving]

The Man in the Iron Mask: I thought the king forgave me.

Charles: Do be gracious. We're not in Corsica.

Claude: I don't car... kare? care?

Charles: Care.

Claude: Care where we are. I don't think this is suitable for the occasion.

Claude: If you don't see any objection, I'd rather decompose at home.

Claude: We bring people into our lives for a reason... Yeah, helping people, eh, tricky biz. Now you could open the door, and they just stay there or even jump out the window... You care about her?... Then you have to do the first thing that jumps into your mind, unless it involves automatic weapons, or semi-automatic weapons. Even if you flop it will be real... Show up on time, do your act 100 percent and hope for the best...

Claude: ...all effort only postpones are inevitable failures. Good luck!

Claude: That stuff I took, it was supposed to be speed, but I think it was acid. Man, I'm flashing.

Abby: [laughing]

Richie: Shut up, SHUT UP

[turns around]

Richie: Jerk

Claude: Check out Dirty Harry.

Abby: You couldn't hit an elephant if it came up and kissed you.

Richie: Watch this, Baby

Cory: Ah, I Cant hear anything

Claude: When the cops practice, they wear those ear things.

Luke: So you guys are like sisters?

Claude: No, we could never be sisters.

Luke: Why?

Claude: Because she's too beautiful. I'd be like some freak accident or something.

Ellen: [crying] I hate you.

Claude: I know. I'm sorry.

Claude: Open your eyes...

George: I'm George. This is Marc.

Claude: Pleased to meet you, boys. Now that we've said hello, let's see how fast we can say goodbye.

Claude: [to George] The human female is descended from the monkey, and monkeys are about the most curious animal in the world. If anything goes on, it just can't stand it not to know about it. Same thing with a woman.

Claude: The only type killing that's safe is when a stranger kills a stranger. No motive. Nothing to link the victim to the executioner. Now why would a stranger kill a stranger? Because somebody's willing to pay. It's business. Same as any other business. You murder the competition. Instead of price-cutting, throat-cutting. Same thing. There are a lot of people around that would like to see lots of other people die a fast death... only they can't see to it themselves. They got conscience, religion, families. They're afraid of punishment here or hereafter. Me...

[laughs]

Claude: I can't be bothered with any of that nonsense, I look at it like a good business. The risk is high but so is the profit.

Mr. Moon: I'm a retired real estate broker. I don't do anything anymore but sit in my room, look at television, and smoke cigars.

Claude: I'd still like to work for you.

Mr. Moon: Doing what?

Claude: I want to be a contractor.

Mr. Moon: Have you done it before?

Claude: No, sir.

Mr. Moon: You can only make a mistake once in this job.

Claude: Well, I'm different.

Mr. Moon: What do you mean you're different?

Claude: I don't make mistakes.

Mr. Moon: Then how come you're out of a job?

Claude: [to Harry with contempt] Why are you miserable? Cause you haven't got any dough? And why haven't you got any dough? Because you're too scared to go out and get it yourself. You want it to come to you. Well, nothing comes to you, Harry. Nothing except one thing... death. Death comes to you... comes to everybody. Only everybody thinks they'll live forever.

[laughs]

Claude: There's a laugh. They think they'll live forever. The way i see it, Harry, everybody lives off everybody else.

Peaches: Do you remember your dreams?

Claude: Sometimes.

Claude: What's that on your arm?

Emanuel: My name.

Claude: Emanuel. Isn't that the boy's spelling?

Emanuel: They thought I was going to be a boy.

Claude: [chuckles] But you're not.

Emanuel: Reality's overrated.

Claude: So why do you have your name tattooed on your arm?

Emanuel: Because if I get separate from my bag, I'll still know who I am.

Claude: [explaining why he was in San Antonio, Texas] I had a love there, the one true love of my life, so I moved there to be with him. I think that's when I started having sex and eggs for breakfast.

Claude: What am I going to do with you?

Brad: Whatever you want.

Claude: What happened with the last guy?

Catherine: He left in the middle of the night with my bras and panties.

Brad: [having awakened in a stranger's apartment] Oh, where are my clothes?

Claude: What clothes?

Brad: [worried] I do hope I had some on last night.

Claude: And here is everything that was in the pockets.

Brad: Oh, just like in prison.

Claude: Excuse me?

Claude: [referring to his own body] Did you find some imperfections somewhere?

Brad: No, not at all, Elephant Man.

Claude: We're gonna kill you, Link. That's a promise!

Link Jones: You sound a little shaky, Claude. Are you nervous?

Claude: But, we got a lot of ground to cover. They'll just slow us down.

Coaley: That's right.

Claude: I say we open 'em up and just leave them here.

Coaley: That's what I say, open 'em up.

Ponch: Well, what about the girl?

Claude: We'll take care of her too.

Claude: When we were boys in France, my grandfather told my brother and I if we look out for it, man transform into wolf. On the full moon it preyed on the shepherds and travelers near his village. The old man warned us, "Beware its bite, or we might become a slave to the full moon, too." It gave me bad dreams. But my brother said, "Don't worry, Claude. If it bites you, you won't become one. Because I will help you catch it, so you can kill it before you turn, and the spell will be broken."

[Brigitte walks in]

Claude: It was a long time ago, and we were just little boys.

[he walks out of the room]

Claude: [the girls walk in for dinner] We should eat here more often.

Claude: I'm sure I'm going to hell for this, but shut your holy fucking mouth.

Claude: [Who is now blind] About Ann, Ronnie. She loves him.

Ronnie: How did you...

Claude: Sure of it now. Thought so early this afternoon. When we shook hands.

Ronnie: Didn't think you noticed.

Claude: Mmm Hmm. Noticed. See better now. See lots of things.

Diana: It's 4:00, sailor.

Claude: I know. Shouldn't have done this. I broke my promise and drank too much. I'm alright now though.

Diana: You go out again tomorrow?

Claude: Mmm hmmm.

Diana: What is it this time?

Claude: I don't know yet. Special

Diana: Special means bad, doesn't it?

Claude: Maybe. Can't tell yet.

Claude: I'm not holding together, Ann. I'm all mixed up.

Diana: No secrets, have we, Claude?

Claude: I'm afraid, Ann.

Diana: Afraid of what?

Claude: Going out in the boat. I think about coming back to you. Just the way I did coming from school. You were always there waiting. But this is different. I don't know. You've gone away somewhere. You're not here and there's nothing to come back to.

Diana: Claude, I am here again. Always will be. Always.

Claude: [to Lu about Shirley Mae] Tell her I love her and that all she has to do is set the date. Lu, you can take it from there as to what she needs. Flowers. The right clothes. You know all about those things. And make her look lovely, Lu. You know I couldn't after all be seen with a dowdy bride!