Zohan Quotes in You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)

Michael: What are you? Bionic?

Zohan: No, no, no, no, no, I only like the girls... Thanks anyways.

Zohan: I just want to make people silky-smooth!

Gail: Well Australia, it must be really nice there since they got rid of the apartheid.

Zohan: Oh yes, the weather is much cooler.

Zohan: It is... you. Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this. I cannot make sticky with anyone else. *You* are the special one. I will only be "Steve" for you.

Dalia: Uh, who is Steve?

Zohan: Stiff, with an F.

Claude: It's not that big.

Zohan: No, not that. The bush, is biggest you ever seen, right?

Zohan: [Zohan approaches apprehensive-looking young kid sitting in Barber chair] Young man! Look what I have found here, a nice balloon. Do you want it?

[hands kid balloon]

Zohan: You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular vein, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this.

[kid bursts into a flood of tears, Zohan nerve pinches him and the kid slumps unconscious in his seat]

Zohan: Well then, at least it is good time to shave his neck...

Zohan: So let's go.

Dalia: Zohan! He has a bomb... and puppies!

Zohan: No!

James: Imma blow up this whole block, Imma blow you up, Imma blow up these puppies! And we all gone' go to hell together, cause I hate these puppies!

Zohan: [the limo passenger is battered about as Zohan hits warp-factor 10 speeding through the streets] Don't worry! I will lose them!

Limousine Passenger: Nobody's following us!

Zohan: Unbelievable! This enema gets to live his dream...!

Zohan: One woman, one zikpah, one life...

[last lines]

Zohan's Father: And this is your Palestinian wife.

Zohan: Yes papa.

Zohan's Father: Does she know you're a faygelah?

[chuckling]

Zohan's Father: Congratulations. Now cut my hair...

Michael: Well, tonight's our night for the Community Nightwatch.

Zohan: The Communism tight crotch? What?

Zohan: [after being smacked in the face with a paddle] Why you do this? You know I feel no pain.

The Phantom: No no no no no... I feel no pain!