Chris Quotes in Free Fire (2016)

Justine: Here he is!

Ord: Thousand apologies. Hate it when people are tardy. It's good to meet you boys.

[shakes Chris's hand]

Ord: Thanks for coming out.

[extends his hand to Frank, who doesn't reciprocate]

Ord: You didn't masturbate before you got here, did you?

Frank: What?

Justine: [laughs nervously]

Ord: Told you I don't work with anybody who's carrying a loaded weapon.

Chris: Fuck the small talk. Let's buy some guns, eh?

Vernon: Check out the merch.

Justine: That's not what he ordered.

Vernon: Fuck me...

Chris: He ordered M-16's. Different weapon.

Vernon: I'm not driving a fucking pizza delivery service!

Martin: Keep your shit together.

Vernon: You want the weapons? Or you don't want the weapons?

[last lines]

Justine: About dinner... Can I take a raincheck?

Chris: Hey you take what you want, girl.

[Calvera has just captured the Seven]

Calvera: What I don't understand is why a man like you took the job in the first place, hmm? Why, huh?

Chris: I wonder myself.

Calvera: No, come on, come on, tell me why.

Vin: It's like a fellow I once knew in El Paso. One day, he just took all his clothes off and jumped in a mess of cactus. I asked him that same question, "Why?"

Calvera: And?

Vin: He said, "It seemed to be a good idea at the time."

Chris: You forget one thing. We took a contract.

Vin: It's sure not the kind any court would enforce.

Chris: That's just the kind you've got to keep.

Chris: Morning. I'm a friend of Harry Luck's. He tells me you're broke.

O'Reilly: [chopping wood] Nah. I'm doing this because I'm an eccentric millionaire.

Old Man: You worry about yourself. Are you ready for him?

[refers to Calvera]

Old Man: What if he comes now, huh?

Vin: Reminds me of that fellow back home that fell off a ten story building.

Chris: What about him?

Vin: Well, as he was falling people on each floor kept hearing him say, "So far, so good." Tch... So far, so good!

Chris: I've been offered a lot for my work, but never everything.

Vin: You know the first time I took a job as a hired gun, fellow told me, "Vin, you can't afford to care." There's your problem.

Chris: One thing I don't need is somebody telling me my problem.

Vin: Like I said before, that's your problem. You got involved in this village and the people in it.

Chris: Do you ever get tired of hearing yourself talk?

Vin: The reason I understand your problem so well is that I walked in the same trap myself. Yeah. First day we got here, I started thinking: Maybe I could put my gun away, settle down, get a little land, raise some cattle. Things that these people know about me be to my credit - wouldn't work against me. I just didn't want you to think you were the only sucker in town.

[the village Calvera's raiding has changed]

Calvera: New wall.

Chris: There are lots of new walls, all around.

Calvera: They won't keep me out!

Chris: They were built to keep you in.

[last lines]

Chris: The old man was right. Only the farmers won. We lost. We always lose.

Hilario: Very young, and very proud.

Chris: Well, the graveyards are full of boys who were very young, and very proud.

[Chris and the villagers are in the bar]

Sotero: There's one - look at the scars on his face!

Hilario: The man for us is the one who GAVE him that face.

Chris: Hey. You learn fast.

Calvera: I should have guessed. When my men didn't come back I should have guessed. How many of you did they hire?

Chris: Enough!

Calvera: Somehow I don't think you've solved my problem.

Chris: Solving your problems isn't our line.

[as Chris, Vin and Chico are about to leave the village]

Old Man: You could a-stay, you know. They wouldn't be sorry to have you a-stay.

Vin: They won't be sorry to see us go, either.

Old Man: Yes. The fighting is over. Your work is done. For them, each season has its tasks. If there were a season for gratitude, they'd show it more.

Vin: We didn't get any more than we expected, old man.

Old Man: Only the farmers have won. They remain forever. They are like the land itself. You helped rid them of Calvera, the way a strong wind helps rid them of locusts. You're like the wind - blowing over the land and... passing on. Vaya con dios.

Chris: Adios.

Chris: Go ahead, Lee. You don't owe anything to anybody.

Lee: Except to myself.

[Chris and Vin were just shot at, hitting the tip of Chris' cigar]

Vin: You elected?

Chris: Na. I got nominated real good.

Harry Luck: I heard you got a contract open.

Chris: Well, not for a high-stepper like you.

Harry Luck: A dollar bill always looks as big to me as a bedspread.

Vin: We heard you got that Salinas thing cleaned up in five weeks.

O'Reilly: They paid me $800 for that one.

Vin: And Johnson County in four weeks.

O'Reilly: They paid me $500 for that one.

Vin: You cost a lot.

O'Reilly: [proudly] Yeah, I cost a lot.

Chris: The pay is $20.

[Chris and Vin turn and walk away]

O'Reilly: [Calling after them] $20? Right now, that's a lot.

Harry Luck: The odds are too high.

Chris: Much too high.

Harry Luck: Then we go?

Chris: No; we lower the odds.

Chris: There's a job for six men, watching over a village, south of the border.

O'Reilly: How big's the opposition?

Chris: Thirty guns.

O'Reilly: I admire your notion of fair odds, mister.

Chris: There's no need to apologize. We weren't expecting flowers and speeches.

Chico: They're afraid. She's afraid of me, you, him. All of us. Farmers! Their families told them we would rape them.

Chris: Well we might. But in my opinion you might have given us the benefit of the doubt. But just as you please...

[Chris is driving the hearse up to Boot Hill; Vin is riding shotgun]

Chris: We'll get there.

Vin: It's not getting up there that bothers me. It's staying up there that I mind.

Chris: Oh, hell. If that's all that's holding things up, I'll drive the rig.

Chris: You heard of anything?

Vin: Just shooing some flies away from a Mexican village, but I can't find out what it pays.

Chris: Twenty dollars.

Vin: A week?

Vin: Six weeks.

Vin: Oh, that's ridiculous. Have you heard of anything?

Chris: Yeah. Shooing away some flies from a Mexican village. Theirs.

Vin: That wouldn't even pay for my bullets.

Villager: We understand. You could make much more in a grocery store. And it would be good, steady work.

Chris: [Sarcastically] Yeah.

Vin: How many you got?

Chris: [Puts up one finger. Vin reluctantly puts up two]

Chris: [referring to Calvera] If he rides in with no idea of the reception we can prepare for him, I promise you we'll all teach him something about the price of corn!

[Referring to Britt]

Villager: If he's the best with the gun and the knife, with whom does he compete?

Chris: Himself.

Chris: He's a good gun, and we aren't heading for a church social.

Chris: Nah leave him alone. It's a free country.

O'Reilly: And it's his.

[as they ride to the village, Chico is following them]

Vin: Riding out there in all that dust and heat... what a chucklehead.

Chris: Yep. Not smart like us.

Vin: Yep.

Chris: Now we are seven.

Chris: Bring them in.

[refering to the women]

Chico: What for? Let Calvera find them, he'll take good care of them.

Chris: [Chris has discovered Lee waiting for him in his room] Thought you were looking for the Johnson brothers?

Chris: Is that what you want? Answer me! Who's for going on and who's for giving up? I want to know now!

Hondo: You still want to work S.W.A.T?

Chris: No. I just enjoy applying all the time.

Chris: You wanna come to my house?

Street: That was easy.

Chris: My kid's having a birthday party tomorrow.

[From the first trailer]

Hondo: Let's try to get in the killing mode.

Chris: I am in killing mode.

Hondo: So why you smiling?

Chris: Because it tickles me.

Hondo: Sorry. Wrong room.

Chris: Who are you looking for?

Hondo: Chris Sanchez.

Chris: I'm Chris Sanchez.

Hondo: YOU'RE Chris Sanchez?

Chris: Look, if you're Internal Affairs, that guy had razorblades in his mouth. I had to put him down hard. I'm sick and tired of these bullshit complains because some vato doesn't like getting thrown to the pavement by a woman.

Hondo: [Raises eyebrow] I look like IAD to you?

[Sanchez shrugs]

Capt. Thomas Fuller: Nice job.

Hondo: Don't sound so happy.

Capt. Thomas Fuller: Still got a problem. He's still here.

[Gestures towards Alex Montel]

Chris: Road trip?

Street: [Beaten up from the fight with Gamble] Road trip.

Hondo: Yeah... road trip. Guess you'll have to fire us later.

[Street spits blood out of his mouth, team walks away toward arriving SWAT truck with Fuller smiling at the team for once in the whole movie]

Chris: Remind me to buy some shares in Kevlar.

Chris: Hi. Um... My name is Chris Parker. I live in Oak Park. That's a suburb.

Brad: They probably figured that out. Ha.

Chris: This is Brad, Sara and Daryl. And we're in trouble.

Daryl: Ain't no doubt.

Chris: See, me and my boyfriend Mike, tonight's our anniversary. But then he went and cancelled. And now I'm stuck watching these three. And it's so hard...!

Albert Collins: And it's so hard!

Chris: Babysitting these guys.

Band: She's got the...

Chris: I got this call from Brenda. I went to pick her up. The tire had a blowout. And my mom's car got shot up.

Sarah: And these guys started to chase us.

Brad: And we all got hijacked. Ha!

Daryl: We're cruising down the highway.

Chris: In this big ol' Cadillac. And it's so hard!

Albert Collins: And it's so hard!

Chris: Babysitting these guys.

Albert Collins: She got the babysitting blues.

Band: Baby, baby. Babysitting blues.

Chris: I've got the babysitting blues.

Albert Collins: There's nights you swear you were born to lose. Like tonight. And you wish your feet were walking in someone else's shoes.

Chris: Some guys are out to get us.

Daryl: And Brenda's probably dead.

Brad: We ain't got a nickel.

Albert Collins: And they should be in bed! And you outta luck.

Chris: I got enough watching these guys. I've got the babysitting blues.

Sarah, Brad, Daryl: Baby, baby.

Gang Leader: Don't fuck with the Lords of Hell!

[Chris picks up the knife and shoves it in the gang leader's face]

Chris: Don't fuck with the babysitter!

Chris: Who was at the door?

Brad: Stray dog.

Chris: Now boys, if either of you give me any grief I swear to God I'll kill you. Dead, murdered, stabbed.

Daryl: Raped?

Chris: I'm too old for this crap.

Chris: What should I do?

Sarah: Get in the car and run him over.

Chris: I don't think your parents will ever ask me to babysit again.

Brad: If they do, I'd ask them for a buck more an hour.

Chris: [to Joe Gipp] Where are we going?

Daryl: To hell! Kind of exciting, don't you think?

Daryl: What are you doing? I'm trying to get a date, you're cramping my style!

Chris: She's too old for you.

Teenage Runaway: Oh, and you're not.

Chris: Well I'm his babysitter.

Teenage Runaway: How old are you?

Chris: 17.

Teenage Runaway: Me too.

Chris: You're 17? What are you doing on the street?

Teenage Runaway: I ran away from home.

Chris: [remembering why they came into the city in the first place] BRENDA!

Daryl: You gotta be shitting me.

Chris: Watch your mouth!

Daryl: Watch my mouth? You gotta be shitting me!

Chris: So, when the babysitter looked more closely at the kids, she saw that... THEY HAD NO FACES!

Sarah: Oh my God!

Chris: Just a pool of mushy goo!

Sarah: Like Spaghetti-O's?

Chris: Spaghetti-O's with meat!

Sarah: [Trying to convince Chris not to leave her alone with Brad] What if the house explodes?

Chris: The house is not going to explode!

Sarah: You leave him here alone, and it will!

Chris: Brad? Sarah? That's not your parents' car is it?

Sarah: Yes it is!

Brad: Oh my God it is!

Daryl: What are we going to do?

Chris: Everybody duck!

[the kids duck down and drive past the Andersons]

Mrs. Anderson: Look at that lunatic! You know, Brad and Sarah are going to be driving in a couple of years and they'll be sharing the road with people like that.

Chris: Brad, how fast do your parents drive?

Brad: I don't know... forty-five?

Chris: We'll go eighty.

[Accelerates]

Chris: Don't worry. We'll get home. This has all just been a big mistake.

Sarah: What about Brenda?

Brad: That was her parents' mistake.

Daryl: The chick is losing it.

Chris: I am not!

Sarah: [to Daryl and Brad] You guys want some candy?

[Brad takes the chocolate bar from Sara. Chris turns and knocks the candy bar from his hands]

Chris: Brad, no chocolate! Your acne! Sara. It is time for your cough syrup. Daryl, fasten the seat belt!

Sarah: She's definitely losing it.

Chris: I am not losing anything, I am still in control here! Got it?

Daryl: Did you steal all of these cars?

Joe Gipp: Yeah. It gets me some good money.

Daryl: Isn't it kind of dangerous?

Joe Gipp: Hey, I like danger, all right?

Chris: You should try babysitting.

Daryl: This is weird.

Chris: You're weird.

Daryl: HAHAHAHAHA!

Mrs. Parker: That was Mrs. Anderson, she wants to know if you can babysit tonight.

Chris: [sees the look Brenda gives her] No, tell her I can't.

Mrs. Parker: Why not?

Chris: Because I want to sit at home and be depressed.

Brenda: Oh, sit for the Andersons, that'll depress anyone.

Chris: Mom, I'm too old to babysit.

Chris: Babysitting blues.

Sarah, Brad, Daryl: Baby, baby.

Chris: Babysitting blues.

Albert Collins: Now, there're nights

Chris: You swear you were born to lose. Yeah!

Albert Collins: Like tonight.

Chris, Albert Collins: And you wish your feet were walking in someone else's shoes.

Albert Collins: Some guys are out to get them. And the girls's probably dead. She ain't got a nickel.

Sarah, Brad, Daryl: And we should be in bed!

Albert Collins: You're outta luck.

Chris: I got enough watching these guys. I've got the babysitting blues.

Everybody: Baby, baby.

Chris: Babysitting blues.

Everybody: Baby, baby.

Chris: Babysitting blues.

Daryl: Mike what?

Chris: Mike what what?

Daryl: Mike what what what are we talking about? What's his last name?

Chris: Toddwell. Are you writing a book?

Daryl: Mike Toddwell? Do you know him?

Brad: They go out.

Daryl: He's got a red Camaro, right?

Chris: Oh, gee, Daryl, are you a gear head and a sex fiend? Anyway, a lot of people have Camaros.

Daryl: Yeah, but do a lot of people have the license plate "So Cool"?

Chris: That's Mike.

Daryl: He's the guy who beat me up last summer for touching his car, which I didn't do.

Brad: That was him?

Daryl: That was him!

Chris: Mike wouldn't do that.

Daryl: Yes, he would!

Chris: He would not.

Daryl: Yes, he would. He did. He kicked my ass. Wanna see the footprint?

Chris, Brad, Sarah: NO!

Chris: Just relax, Chris, tonight is going to be the greatest night of your life.

Chris: What do you want?

John Pruitt: I just want to help you.

Daryl: Don't listen to him, he just wants to scrape our faces off.

John Pruitt: Good luck Babysitter!

Chris: You too Mr. Pruitt!

Nurse: Dr. Nuhkbane, the guy with the stab wounds just died.

Dr. Nuhkbane: Oh dear.

Chris: Oh, Doctor, we're looking for our friend.

Dr. Nuhkbane: Your friend? Which one is he?

Chris: Um, he's the one with the stab wounds.

Dr. Nuhkbane: Oh dear.

Chris: What?

Dr. Nuhkbane: I'm sorry. Your friend is dead.

Sarah: Dead?

Daryl: Dead?

Chris: Dead?

[Chris faints]

Sarah: Hey, wait! I know why you aren't acting like yourself. You don't have your special helmet!

[off the look Dawson gives her]

Sarah: See you have the baseball cap, but you're supposed to be wearing this

[takes off her Thor helmet]

Sarah: Here, take mine. Go on, take it!

Dawson: You're giving this to me?

Sarah: Well, yeah, you're my hero!

Dawson: [Smiles] Here. Here, take the car.

[Tosses Chris the keys]

Sarah: Thanks, Thor.

Dawson: Hey kid! I got one of these at home

[throws Sarah's helmet back]

Chris: Could I get your address so I can mail you the five dollars?

Dawson: Go!

[the group piles into the station wagon and pulls out of the Garage]

Brad: Sarah, where's the peach crayon?

Sarah: I used it all to color Thor.

Brad: Great! So what am I suppose to use to cover my zits?

Sarah: You want orange?

Brad: I can't believe you used it all just for that picture of Thor.

Sarah: Thors my hero!

Brad: Thors a homo.

Sarah: Take that back, Brad. Brad! Take it back Brad! Take back what you said about Thor! If you don't take back what you said about Thor, I'll tell Chris about all those love notes you write about her.

Brad: Okay. I take it back.

Sarah: Thanks. Hi, Chris!

Chris: Hi, Sarah!

Brad: I just think you should give other guys a chance.

Chris: Like who?

Sarah: Don't say it! Don't say it!

Brad: Like me?

[Chris laughs]

Brad: What's so funny?

Chris: Well, it's just that... you're just a child.

Brad: And you're just a girl in love with an asshole.

Chris: Brad...

Brad: Forget it!

Chris: He's with Sesame Plexer! Oooh! She's such a sleeze!

Daryl: He dumps you for some easy chick, and you get a night of hell. That doesn't seem very fair to me.

Chris: Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Daryl: This, I gotta see.

Mike: You know, Ses. Girls like you come along once in a lifetime.

Chris: Or twice in one night.

Mike: Oh wow.

Chris: How's your sister? Is she all better? You lied.

Mike: No, I didn't!

Chris: [Yelling] Don't lie!

Mike: Get a grip! Jesus!

John Pruitt: My wife called the cops, I got a little banged up.

Daryl: How's the car? Is the car alright?

John Pruitt: Yeah, the car's fine. I got it down at Dawson's Garage. I paid to fix the windshield, that was my fault, but Dawson's gonna make you pay for the tire.

Brad: How much?

John Pruitt: Fifty bucks.

Chris: [shocked] Fifty bucks?

John Pruitt: Yeah, fifty bucks!

David Sumner: Just so you know, somebody broke into our house and killed our cat.

Chris: What makes you think Flutie was killed? Didn't just die.

David Sumner: Well, generally cats don't hang themselves.

Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?

Gary Johnston: What's your problem with me?

Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?

Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!

Chris: Surprise, cockfags!

Chris: [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.

[Gary stops and listens]

Chris: I couldn't wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and... I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.

Chris: If you betray us, I'll rip your fuckin' balls off and stuff them up your ass. So, the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls!

Chris: All right, we fuckin' did it.

Kim Jong Il: It will be 911 times 2356.

Chris: My God, that's... I don't even know what that is!

Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!

Joe: One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.

[looks through binoculars]

Gary Johnston: [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!

Joe: Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"

Chris: Smart-ass motherfucker!

[fires missile at terrorist jeep]

Chris: Bad news Tim Robbins... I'm a smoker!

[he throws his cigarette and it causes an explosion killing Tim Robbins]

Chris: Have you ever thought about just telling Sarah how you feel?

Joe: Oh, what would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me? I don't know nothin' about fancy cars and fancy restaurants. Still, I would love to show her a moonlit night out by the hay stacks.

[last lines]

Lisa: Wait a minute! Look!

[a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il's mouth and towards a spaceship]

Kim Jong Il: You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!

[enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]

Kim Jong Il: So rong, Earthrings!

Gary Johnston: We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!

Chris: All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.

Gary Johnston: Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.

Lisa: Fuck, yeah.

Gary Johnston: Fuck, yeah.

Chris: I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee it shoots out in all different directions.

Gary Johnston: I had to come back. C'mon team, let's go!

Joe: Wait a second, can we really trust you?

Chris: Yeah, why the fuck should we trust you, you douchebag?

Chris: Jesus tittyfucking Christ dude, i could have sworn she was telling the truth!

Gary Johnston: That's why they call it acting.

Chris: If there's a world left when this is all over, I'd like to buy you a beer.

Chris: What does Spottswoode see in him?

Lisa: I don't know. But I think I see it too.

Chris: Oh, come on, Sarah, you mean you never realized Joe has feelings for you?

Chris: Suprise cock fags!

Sara Ludlow: I have lots of boyfriends. I mean, I'm not a slut.

Chris: Of course you're not.

Sara Ludlow: But, different guys are interesting for different reasons. You're interesting for a very specific reason.

Chris: Uh, Phil has had a statute of himself made.

Brenda: Solid craftsmanship!

Vin: I heard you were riding shotgun for the Overland Stage.

Chris: I was. My doctor told me to quit. For my health.

Vin: Why?

Chris: Too much lead in the air.

Vin: I came after you so that you'd know there was a price on your head.

Chris: How much?

Vin: Five hundred.

Chris: Dollars?

Vin: Pesos.

Vin: I wish I knew for sure.

Chris: Knew what?

Vin: Whether I'm here because Chico is a friend of mine, or if I'm just on the prod for a fight like Frank. Killing can get inside you.

Chris: And you think that's happening to you?

Vin: Why else would I be here? Sure Chico is a friend of mine. But, hell, I don't even know his last name.

Chris: Neither do I.

Vin: Don't it make you wonder?

Chris: No.

Vin: How the hell come, Chris?

Chris: Because in all the years I made my way with a gun, I never once shot a man just to see him fall. If that time ever comes, I'll throw my guns in a water bucket and walk away. So will you.

[last lines]

Chris: Well I'll be damned.

Vin: I doubt that. I doubt that very much.

Chris: He wants to know if we're going after them tonight or in the morning.

Vin: It's a big country and finding them could take a long time.

Chris: Hell, I haven't been going anywhere for ten years... and neither have you.

Vin: Ain't it the truth.

Chris: He's fast!

Frank: As fast as you are?

Chris: I'd hate to have to live on the difference.

Chris: How would you like to use that gunbelt for something more than just holding up your pants.

Chris: I'm not a religious man, Father, but I'll tell you this: they need you... more now than ever.

Priest: I've failed them.

Chris: You failed yourself. You got knocked down. Get up, Father... at least as far as your knees!

Chris: [In Spanish to Manuel] Stay here and cover us from the bell tower.

Vin: Ain't you going to take him with us?

Chris: He'll cover us from the bell tower.

Vin: We'll need all the help we can get.

Chris: Nah he stay's behind.

Vin: For luck?

Chris: [Smiles, remembering Harry Luck] For Luck!

[the six men ride away leaving Manuel. With Elmer Bernstein's triumphant music]

Frank: [Chris watches in sure coolness over the Devil's Spine fallen Bandit's ] If your thinking on going out there we better get at it or the hill's going to get higher to climb.

Chris: How many men does he have left?

Frank: I counted thirty. We could circle higher come from behind.

Chris: One Chance in hell!

Frank: That's better than none at all.

Chris: [sighs] Saddle the horses.

Frank: Already did.

Lopez: [Chris rides into the Devil's Spine] Buenos Tardes senor.

Chris: Buenos Tardes.

Lopez: What can we do for you?

Chris: [Look's to all the slaves] Friend of mine, holding him prisoner, I want him... and all the others.

Lopez: Just like that?

Chris: Just like that!

Lopez: Your either a very stupid or a very brave man senor. One for me and you, we'd both be dead.

Chris: That will make two of us. You've got five Winchesters pointed at your head.

[the Five men aim at Lopez]

Lopez: Professionals?

Chris: Professionals.

Lopez: Perhaps we should have a little talk.

Chris: We just did!

Lopez: Father, you better go and get Francisco.

Chris: Don't move Father.

Lopez: You'd kill a priest?

Chris: Only if I have too.

Chris: I'm a hooker, not a thief, my love!

Chris: What kind of windows you got in here, anyway? I thought we were dead back there!

Charlie Morrison: Space age plastic, son!

Gordie: Do you think I'm weird?

Chris: Definitely.

Gordie: No man, seriously. Am I weird?

Chris: Yeah, but so what? Everybody's weird.

Gordie: Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy?

Vern: If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy-Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.

Teddy: Goofy's a dog. He's definitely a dog.

Gordie: I knew the $64,000 question was fixed. There's no way anybody could know that much about opera!

Chris: He can't be a dog. He drives a car and wears a hat.

Gordie: Wagon Train's a really cool show, but did you notice they never get anywhere? They just keep wagon training.

Vern: Oh, God. That's weird. What the hell is Goofy?

Gordie: Fuck writing, I don't want to be a writer. It's stupid. It's a stupid waste of time.

Chris: That's your dad talking.

Gordie: Bullshit.

Chris: Bull true.

Chris: I know how your dad feels about you. He doesn't give a shit about you. Denny was the one. He cared about and don't try to tell me different. You're just a kid, Gordie.

Gordie: Oh, gee! Thanks, Dad.

Chris: Wish the hell I was your dad. You wouldn't be goin' around talkin' about takin' these stupid shop courses if I was. It's like God gave you something, man, all those stories you can make up. And He said, "This is what we got for ya, kid. Try not to lose it." Kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them. And if your parents are too fucked up to do it, then maybe I should.

Gordie: Why did he have to die, Chris? Why did Denny have to die?

Chris: I don't know.

Gordie: It should've been me.

Chris: Don't say that.

Gordie: It should've been me.

Chris: Don't say that, man!

Gordie: I'm no good. My dad said it. I'm no good.

Chris: He doesn't know you.

Gordie: He hates me.

Chris: He doesn't hate you.

Gordie: He hates me!

Chris: No! He just doesn't know you.

Teddy: This is my age! I'm in the prime of my youth, and I'll only be young once!

Chris: Yeah, but you're gonna be stupid for the rest of your life.

Chris: I'm never gonna get out of this town am I, Gordie?

Gordie: You can do anything you want, man.

Chris: Yeah, sure. Give me some skin.

Gordie: I'll see ya.

Chris: Not if I see you first.

Chris: You four-eyed pile of shit!

Teddy: A pile of shit has a thousand eyes.

Ace: Okay, Chambers, you little faggot. This is your last chance. What do you say, kid?

Chris: Why don't you go home and fuck your mother some more?

[Ace pulls out a knife]

Ace: You're dead.

Gordie: Maybe you could come into the college courses with me.

Chris: Yeah right, that'll be the day.

Gordie: Why not? You're smart enough.

Chris: They won't let me.

Gordie: What do you mean?

Chris: It's what everyone thinks of my family in this town. It's what they think of me. I'm just one of those low-life Chambers kids.

Gordie: That's not true.

Chris: Oh wait, it is. No one even asked me if I took the milk money that time. I just got a three day vacation.

Gordie: Did you take it?

Chris: Yeah, I took it! I mean, you knew I took it. Teddy knew I took it. Everyone knew I took it. Even Vern knew it, I think. But maybe I was sorry and I tried to give it back.

Gordie: You tried to give it back?

Chris: Maybe. Just maybe. And maybe I took it to Old Lady Simmons and told her, and the money was all there. But I still got a three day vacation because it never showed up. And maybe the next week, Old Lady Simmons had this new suit on when she came to school.

Gordie: Yeah, yeah! It was brown and it had dots on it.

Chris: Yeah. So let's just say that I stole the milk money, but Old Lady Simmons stole it back from me. Just say that I told this story. Me, Chris Chambers. Kid brother to Eyeball Chambers. Do you think that anyone would've believed it?

Gordie: No.

Chris: And do you think that that bitch would have dared try something like that if it had been one of those douchebags from up on the view, if they had taken the money?

Gordie: No way!

Chris: Hell no! But with me?... I'm sure she had her eye on that skirt for a long time. Anyway, she saw her chance, and she took it. I was the stupid one for even trying to give it back.

[begins to cry]

Chris: I just never thought a teacher... Oh, who gives a fuck anyway? I just wish... that I could go some place... where nobody knows me. I guess I'm just a pussy, huh?

Gordie: [comforting] No way. No way.

[repeated line]

Chris: Skin it.

[after being handed the gun]

Gordie: Is it loaded?

Chris: Shit no! What do you think I am?

[gun goes off]

Gordie, Chris: JESUS!

[as Lardass walks across the stage to his seat the Benevolent Order of Antelopes mock him in rhythm with his steps]

Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba...

[They fall silent as Lardass glares at them, but then they resume their mockery as soon as he starts moving again]

Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom.

Mayor Grundy: And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own, Bill Travis!

[Cheers and applause; Mayor aside to Travis]

Mayor Grundy: Listen, I got ten ridin' on you myself, Billy-boy.

[Now he speaks to the crowd]

Mayor Grundy: Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drum roll!

Donelley Twin, Donelley Twin: Hey, Lardass! Chow down, Wide Load!

Mayor Grundy: Heh-heh-heh... GO!

[the contestants bury their faces and begin eating. Within a few seconds, Lardass has finished his first pie]

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Lardass finishes his second pie]

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Bill Travis finishes his first pie]

Bill Travis: Done!

Lardass Hogan: [Lardass finishes his third pie] Done!

Mayor Grundy: [to Lardass] You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.

[Lardass continues and the crowd starts to cheer him on]

Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!

Gordie: What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge, and right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.

[Cut to flashback scene showing Lardass drinking a quart bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest; cut back to the contest in progress]

Gordie: Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies. He pretended he was eating cow-plops, and rat guts in blueberry sauce.

Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Lardass prepares to dive into his sixth pie, but then his stomach starts rumbling]

Gordie: Slowly, a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it...

[Lardass barfs all over Bill]

Gordie: ... he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins, who barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!

Vern, Teddy, Chris: [Cheering and laughing] Yeah!

Gordie: ...the main guy of the story is a fat kid that nobody likes named Davie Hogan.

Vern: Like Charlie Hogan's brother. If he had one.

Chris: Good Vern. Go on, Gordie.

Gordie: Well this kid is our age but he's fat. Real fat. He weighs close to one-eighty. But you know, it's not his fault. It's his glands.

Vern: Oh yeah, my cousin's like that, sincerely. She weighs over three hundred pounds! Supposed to be Hyboid Gland or something. Well, I don't know about any Hyboid Glands, but what a blimp! No shit. She looks like a Thanksgiving turkey. And you know this one time...

Chris: Shut up, Vern.

Vern: Yeah, yeah, right. Go on, Gordie, it's a swell story.

Vern: [after dropping his hamburger in the campfire by accident] This isn't funny! What am I supposed to eat?

Teddy: You could cook your dick.

Chris: It'd be a small meal.

Chris: "Suck my fat one"? Whoever told you that you had a fat one, Lachance?

Gordie: Biggest one in four counties.

Chris: You're gonna be a great writer someday, Gordie. You might even write about us guys if you ever get hard-up for material.

Gordie: [wiping away his tears] Guess I'd have to be pretty hard-up, huh?

Chris: You ready for school?

Gordie: No.

Chris: Junior High. You know what that means. Next year we'll all be split up.

Gordie: What are you talking about? Why would that happen?

Chris: 'Cause it's not gonna be like grammar school, that's why. You'll be taking your college courses, and me, Teddy, and Vern will all be in the shop courses with the rest of the retards, making ash trays and bird houses. You're gonna meet a lot of new guys. Smart guys.

Gordie: A lot of pussies is what you mean.

Chris: No, man. Don't say that. Don't even think that.

Gordie: [after Gordie and Chris set off the gun] That tupper babe saw me!

Chris: Aw, shit, Gordie! She thought it was firecrackers.

Gordie: I don't care! That was a mean trick, Chris!

Chris: Hey, Gordie! I didn't know it was loaded!

Gordie: You swear?

Chris: Yeah, I swear.

Gordie: On your mother's name?

Chris: Yeah.

Gordie: Even if she goes to hell 'cause you lied?

Chris: Yeah, I swear!

Gordie: Pinky swear?

Chris: How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?

Teddy: Hey, I'm French, okay?

Chris: Your garbage cans are empty and your dog's pregnant.

[Chris and Gordie laugh]

Teddy: Didn't I just say I was French?

Teddy: You lose Gordie! Ha ha ha ha ha! Gordie loses! Oh, Gordie just screwed the pooch!

Gordie: Does the word "retarded" mean anything to you?

Teddy: Gordie, go get the food, you morphodite.

Gordie: Don't call me any of your mother's pet names.

Teddy: What a wet end you are, Lachance.

Gordie: Shut up.

Teddy, Vern, Chris: I don't shut up. I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up. Aghhh!

Gordie: And then, your mother goes around the corner and she licks it up.

Teddy: I'll kill you!

Milo: You come on and try it, you slimy bastard.

Chris: He wants you to come over there so he can beat the piss out of you and take you to the cops.

Milo: You watch your mouth, smart guy! Let him do his own fighting.

Gordie: Sure, you only outweigh him by 500 pounds, fat ass!

Milo: I know your name. You're Lachance. I know all you guys and all your fathers are gonna get a call from me. Except for the looney up in Togus.

Teddy: I'll kill you!

Milo: You foul-mouthed whore master!

Teddy: You son of a bitch! Nobody ranks on my old man! My father stormed the beach at Normandy! He stormed the beach, you faggot!

Gordie: But you didn't miss him. Chris Chambers never misses, does he?

Chris: Not even when the ladies leave the seat down.

Eyeball: Hey girls, where ya goin'?

Gordie: [Ace passes Gordie on the sidewalk and snatches his baseball cap off his head] Hey, my brother gave me that!

Ace: [holds the hat up high so Gordie can't reach it] Now, you're giving it to me.

Gordie: Hey! C'mon, man! That's mine!

Chris: [glaring at Ace] You're a real asshole, you know that?

Ace: [flicks his cigarette to that ground] Ooo. You're brother's not very polite, Eyeball.

Eyeball: Now, Christopher. I know you didn't mean to insult my friend.

Ace: I know he didn't mean to insult me. That's why I'm going to give him the chance of taking it back.

Ace: [thrusts Chris on his stomach against the sidewalk and begins holding the lit cigarette close to his eye] Take it back, kid.

Chris: You bastard! Let go, man! Shit!

Gordie: Stop it, man! You're hurting him!

Chris: Filthy bastard...! Okay, I take it back! I take it back!

Ace: Now, I feel a whole let better about this. How 'bout you?

[grins at Chris and pats him on the cheek]

Ace: Good.

Eyeball: See ya later, girls.

Teddy: I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everybody's good time.

Chris: It's okay, man.

Gordie: I'm not sure it should be a good time.

Chris: You saying you wanna go back?

Gordie: No. We're going to see a dead kid... maybe it shouldn't be a party.

Vern: Any of you guys know when the next train is due?

Chris: We could go down to the route 1-36 bridge.

Teddy: What are you, crazy? That's 5 miles down the river, you go 5 miles down the river you gotta walk 5 miles back! That could take 'til dark. We go across here we can get to the same place in 10 minutes.

Vern: Yeah, but if a train comes there's nowhere else to go.

Teddy: No there isn't, we just jump.

Chris: Teddy, it's 100 feet.

Vern: Yeah, Teddy.

Teddy: Look, you guys can go around if you want to, I'm crossing here, and when you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting for you on the other side relaxing with my thoughts.

Gordie: You use your left hand or your right hand for that?

Teddy: You wish.

Chris: You wanna be the Lone Ranger, or the Cisco Kid?

Ace: We're gonna get you for this.

Chris: Maybe you will, maybe you won't.

Ace: Oh, we will.

Chris: [while playing gin rummy] I knock.

Teddy: What? You liar! You ain't got no pat hand. You didn't deal yourself no pat hand!

Chris: Make your draw, shit-heap!

Chris: He's not a person, he's a Daily Mail reader!

Chris: Report that to the National Trust!

Chris: If the caravan's rockin', don't come a-knockin'.

Chris: [in an outdoor clothing shop] Choose anything you like, love.

Tina: Anything?

Chris: Anything you like, as long as it's under 10 quid.

Martin: [sharing a joint with Chris] She don't mind you smoking a bit of the old herb every now and again?

Chris: No, she don't care about that. She doesn't like me drinking and she doesn't like me doing her up the

Chris: [asking Ian about his caravan] How do you find it on petrol consumption?

Ian: Uh, not too bad, actually. Takes her less fuel to pull than some of the older models.

Chris: Yeah, you're probably right, yeah. We use loads of petrol, don't we, Tina?

Tina: Yeah, we love it.

[Tina and Martin are at the table. Chris joins them]

Chris: What?

Tina: Martin just said some filthy things to me, Chris.

Chris: Yeah? Well, do tell.

Tina: He said I was a dirty, slutty bitch. And he wanted to f*ck me. And he said he wanted to sh*t in my mouth and in my underwear. And he said he wanted... he wanted to sh*t in my hand and make me use it as a brown lipstick.

Chris: I'll bring her back safe, don't you worry. Hey, I understand you collect snow globes.

Carol: I don't like you.

Chris: OK, well, see you, then.

Chris: Mint me.

Carol: What's going on?

Chris: I'm just admiring your artwork, Carol. It's fantastic.

Carol: I don't want anyone in my room.

Tina: Chris was just saying how talented he thinks you are.

Carol: It's my private sanctum. I don't want anybody looking.

Tina: Well, no one's looking in your sanctum, Mum.

Chris: So what were you like when you were a little kid, then?

Tina: Unhappy.

Chris: You didn't like school? I know, nor me.

Tina: What were you like at school, Chris?

Chris: I wasn't like anything. I was, like, invisible.

Tina: What about you being ginger?

Chris: Well, that's a problem, yeah.

Tina: That's not invisible, is it?

Chris: No, but I wanted to be.

Chris: [arriving at the caravan site] They've only got two spots left. One by the Dingley Dell and one by the bogs.

Tina: [they are behind another car towing a caravan] He's going for Dingley Dell.

Tina: Chris, I want Dingley Dell.

Chris: I'm gonna get this bloody Dingley Dell.

Tina: Can't we go around it?

Chris: Just hold on, I'm gonna do it.

Tina: [whining in her grating Brummie accent] Go around them. Go around. Go that way.

Chris: I will, just wait there, wait...

Tina: Just go around it.

Chris: OK! Hold on.

[he puts his foot down and goes onto the grass alongside them]

Tina: Oh, Chris! Don't look at them, Chris.

Chris: Woohoo!

[he aggressively overtakes the other car and caravan, forcing it off the track]

Chris: Ha ha! Fuck you! I am the best. Get in.

Chris: This is exactly how I imagined it. No one sticking their nose in. No one penetrating the mind. Take the noble English oak, Old Knobbley. That won't stab you in the back or belittle your five year plan. That tree won't... steal things that belong to you and put them in another place just to piss you off. That tree won't involve itself in low-level bullying that means you have to leave work.

[last lines]

Chris: So, have you had a nice holiday?

Tina: Yeah, I've had a brilliant holiday!

Chris: Sorry about calling you a witch an' that... What do you reckon? You sure this is what you want? Three... Two... One... Go!

[Chris steps off the viaduct, while Tina remains]

Marshal Curly Wilcox: Come busting in here - you'd think we were being attacked! You can find another wife.

Chris: Sure I can find another wife. But she take my rifle and my horse. Oh, I'll never sell her. I love her so much. I beat her with a whip and she never get tired.

Dr. Josiah Boone: Your wife?

Chris: No, my horse. I can find another wife easy, yes, but not a horse like that!

Samuel Peacock: Savages!

Chris: That's my wife, Yakima... my squaw.

Samuel Peacock: Yes, but she's... she's... savage!

Chris: Si senor, she's little bit savage, I think.

Chris: Really, now, why don't you just go out and find a new one?

Rob: Are you kidding? Where am I gonna find another toaster like this?

[Shows her badly damaged Toaster]

Chris: Like that? Probably nowhere.

Chris: Hey, what about Rooney's down on 53rd? They've got like used vacuums and junk.

Black and White TV: This just in: Rooney's vacuums found to be uh... um... carcinogenic in recent lab tests. Big, big tumors on those rats. Bleagh! We've got photos to prove it,

[photos of showgirls]

Black and White TV: and I don't even wanna look at them. Uhh!

Mother: You can just take some of our things. Oh, this lamp will look so cute in your dorm room.

Chris: Go for it!

Rob: Well, what are you going to read by, then?

Mother: Oh, I'll buy some candles. I won't read. I'll go out.

Rob: Thanks, Mom, but I'm not taking any of your stuff. I'll just pick up some cheap stuff at some old appliance store like... whatever.

Black and White TV: That's right, folks! Appliances! Cheap appliances! Available now at Ernie's Disposal!

Rob: Where's a good bargain place around here?

Chris: You should have gone for the new stuff.

Chris: Better be careful kid, one false move and you'll cut your balls off.

[giving back Alan's survival knife]

Chris: Suck my leg.

Miss Wilbur: What?

Chris: Suck my leg!

Pete Crenshaw: [watching from a distance] She's good!

Bob Andrews: Gosh, Pete! You scream like a girl!

Chris: And what exactly do you mean by that?

Pete Crenshaw: Yeah. What *do* you mean by that?

Bob Andrews: Uh, well...

Chris: And Jupiter. I think we should preserve a correct detective-client relationship, don't you?

[holds out her hand to shake hands]

Pete Crenshaw: I've got an idea. You could stay here overnight.

Chris: No, I don't want to be any trouble.

Pete Crenshaw: It's no trouble at all. I've got it figured out. You could stay in the bottom bunk with me.

Bob Andrews: No! I - I mean, I think it would be, uh, she'd be *safer* in the top bunk with me. She - she might uh hit her head on the bottom bunk.

Pete Crenshaw: No, that's okay. You wouldn't wanna take space away from *Teddy*.

Bob Andrews: I don't have a teddy bear!

Pete Crenshaw: Yes you do -

[Pete points, Bob slaps Pete's arm]

Jupiter Jones: Perhaps a random drawing might be the most impartial way to figure things out.

Chris: What the phantom happened here?

Tom: Well... what's a birthday without a party?

Chris: Where have you been man? You miss the most heinous and redonk shit ever!

Tom: I'm here now, aren't I?

Chris: Have you forgotten what being English means? It means being free. I might just be a simple farm boy, but at least I'm a free simple farm boy. What does freedom mean to you? Freedom to grow your own crops and graze livestock. Think what they'll do to your farms. Your cows, Farmer Grey. Your pigs, Mr and Mrs Sparrow. Think what will happen to your FANY, Matron Rutty. Join me... so that in future years you can proudly say, "I fought for England!" Now who is with me?

Davis: You must be Chris.

Chris: You fucking my mom?

Davis: No, I'm not. We were just sleeping...

Chris: [interrupts] She's fucking crazy. If you haven't noticed, she's a fucking pothead. She calls it cannabis 'cause it makes her feel like less of a fucking pothead.

Davis: You say fuck a lot.

Chris: So?

Davis: So you're just not using it properly.

Chris: The fuck does that mean?

Davis: That's what I mean. Fuck is a great word, but if you use it too much then it just loses its value and you sound stupid.

Chris: Fuck you.

Davis: Exactly. I feel nothing and you sound like an idiot. Have a good one.

[Davis leaves]

Chris: Who the f...

[thinks about it]

Davis: What about the boys at school? Is there anybody that you like, that you find attractive?

Chris: Maybe Andrew White. He's a junior, and we have the same gym class too. We have to get changed together.

Davis: Do you watch him when you get changed?

Chris: No.

Davis: Well then I don't think you're gay, Chris.

Chris: I have to try not to look. I have to tell myself not to.

Davis: Yeah, no, that's normal, you know. I mean, you're young and curious, it's...

Chris: Sometimes I imagine his dick in my mouth.

Davis: Oh. That's different.

Davis: You are one fucked-up kid.

Chris: You're one fucked-up adult.

[last lines]

Chris: [in his letter] Dear Davis, thanks for your letter. I'm recovering slowly but surely. Despite the ass-kicking, I must say, being myself feels good. By the way, mom left Carl, FYI. I have a little gift for you. Be at pier 64 this Saturday at 11:00 A.M. sharp. Trust me.

Davis: [arrives at the location just in time to see a building demolitioned]

Chris: P.S. Go fuck yourself. Warmest regards, Davis c. Mitchell.

Chris: [shopping at the hardware store] Why you buying all this shit?

Davis: Uh, the tools of the trade, my young friend.

Chris: What trade would that be?

Davis: Destruction, devastation. I mean, haven't you ever wanted to just smash the shit out of something?

Chris: [Davis is all serious, but then Chris grabs his cheeks and tries to force Davis to smile] Now hold it, just like that.

Chris: [in his kitchen with sledgehammers] What are you exactly doing?

Davis: I'm taking apart my marriage.

[starts swinging]

Chris: A bulldozer. You know you can buy almost anything on ebay. I just hope it comes with a manual.

Lydie: Freeze, or you're gonna get it.

Chris: In the balls.

Lydie: Yeah.

[pause]

Lydie: She's got 'em?

Chris: She's got everything.

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire; in his own voice] All right. Listen to me. I'm not... who you think I am.

Chris: Yeah, no shit.

Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man.

Chris: You don't really like wearin' that stuff, do you, Dad?

Daniel: [as Daniel] Well, some of it's comfortable. No! It's a pain in the padded ass!

Daniel: I got off early.

Lydie: You mean you got fired?

Daniel: No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.

Lydie: Actors.

Daniel: [to Chris] Hey, dude! Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right! Got a surprise for you!

Chris: Ooh, a stripper?

Daniel: No, please!

Chris: Two strippers?

Daniel: Haw, boy!

[after seeing "Mrs. Doubtfire" peeing while standing up]

Chris: Lydia! We gotta call the cops! We gotta dial 911 now!

Lydie: Why?

Chris: [stammering] Mrs. Doubtfire! He's a she! She's a he! He's a she-she.

Lydie: What?

Chris: He's half-man, half-woman.

Lydie: [screams] WHAT?

Marisa: The first time you saw me, I was cleaning your bathroom floor! Only you didn't see me.

Chris: What was I supposed to do, introduce myself while I'm taking a leak?

Chris: She's about five-six, dark hair, really beautiful, has a kid named Ty. What the hell happened?

Lionel: I'm sorry, Sir.

Chris: Don't be sorry. Just find her.

Caroline: Oh, Chris, I loved your quote in "The Times".

Chris: Please!

Samantha James: I love it that you're taking me home to meet your mom. Was this one of your clever little plans?

Chris: Yes. I planned you setting the plane on fire.

Samantha James: God, I wanna lick your skin off!

Chris: I'd prefer you didn't.

Chris: I can't compete with this guy!

Clark: You can't compete? Are you kidding? You're Chris Brander. You're Hollywood, you date models! He's Jersey, he skis in his jeans. It's Dinkleman. It's Dusty Dinkleman.

Chris: Dinkleman?

Clark: Dinkleman.

Chris: Dinkleman?

Clark: *Dinkleman.*

Chris: Dinkleman.

Clark: Dinkleman's going down.

Chris: Dinkleman is going *way* down.

Rhonda: Here we go! One grilled cheese with ranch on the side. And one sugar mountain supreme for the chubby bunny!

[Rhonda makes noises imitating a bunny]

Chris: Excuse me. Umm, this isn't gonna work for me.

Rhonda: But this is what you always order.

Chris: Yeah! Ten years ago when I was a whale!

Jamie Palamino: The pancakes are fine. He's just kidding.

Chris: [to Jaime] What?

Jamie Palamino: [Rhonda walks away from the table] Be more rude!

Chris: She's rude! She's rude! I haven't had sweets for ten years, ok? You know what this would do to my stomach?

Jamie Palamino: Relax little girl. I'll have the pancakes, and you can have my sandwich, ok?

Chris: I'll just enjoy this glass of water.

[Chris takes a small sip of water and swallows audibly]

Chris: I'm stuffed!

Chris' Mom: [Starts dialing while Chris is on the phone] Joyce? Joyce?

Chris: Mom, I'm on the phone.

Chris' Mom: Chris? What are you doing over at Joyce's?

Chris: No Mom, I'm in the living room ten feet away from you, and I'm on the phone.

Chris' Mom: Oh. Well, while I have you on the phone, dear, what would you like for dinner? We have a choice between chicken chow mein or potroast.

Mike: [Samantha has found out that Chris is seeing someone else] The jig is up! Run!

Samantha James: You son of a bitch!

Chris: Samantha! You're here! Shit!

Samantha James: There she is. There's the little slut you've been banging behind my back!

Old Woman: Me?

Samantha James: Not you, wrinkles.

[Points at Jamie]

Samantha James: Her!

Jamie Palamino: Who are you?

Samantha James: I'm Samantha James, bitch!

[Shoves Jamie]

Jamie Palamino: Don't shove me!

[Shoves Samantha back]

Samantha James: You're a whore! Santa's little whore! Santa's little whore!

Jamie Palamino: Get off!

Mike: [In an excited, high pitched voice] Cat fight!

Chris: What about Sheila? You making any headway?

Ray: We'll see. I'm taking her to lunch today.

Chris: Oh, whoa, whoa whoa. Don't - don't do that. Okay? Don't do lunch.

Ray: Why?

Chris: That's like the express lane to the friend zone.

Ray: What the hell's the friend zone?

Chris: See when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp.

Ray: I don't want to be a lamp.

Chris: Yea well then don't be her friend, okay? Take that guy for example...

[points to a clumsy guy and a gorgeous girl skating together]

Ray: You mean that couple?

Chris: No, I mean the guy that *wishes* they were a couple.

Ray: What is your point?

Chris: My point is - Call Sheila, Ray. Call her right now. Move your day date to tonight. Play the entire thing aloof and no matter what you do, kiss her at the end. 'Cause friends don't kiss.

Samantha James: [Chris is wrestling Samantha to make her stop using her taser gun on him] Oooohhh yes! Go-Time!

Chris: Hey! Hey! It's not Go-Time! This isn't how it works Samantha! You can't force or... or torture someone into liking you!

Samantha James: [Rolls her eyes] Oooh, the big speech!

Chris: No! You just have to put yourself out there and hope that they like you back! This isn't a game! This is my LIFE!

Samantha James: Oh yeah! This is MY life! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not the most boring person ever! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not poor! I'm sorry I...

[Chris starts walking out]

Samantha James: ... I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass! I'm sorry I'm not... Hey! Where you going?

Chris: Look Jamie. I said a lot of crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. The truth is, I'm scared to be your friend, because I'm always going to want more. But then I got to thinking that I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.

Chris: [Jamie opens her door] You know that's a lie too.

Jamie Palamino: [Comes outside and closes her door] Why are you back here?

Chris: Because I want to take you on a date. And I don't care if it's in the day, or at night, or whenever, as long as it's a real date. And I wanna tell you how beautiful I think you are. Inside and out. And I wanna have babies with you, and I wanna marry you, and I love you Jamie. I always have.

Chris: [Chris leans in and kisses her. Jamie accepts this for a second and pulls back] Sorry. Twenty years all at once, just blah!

[Jamie laughs. Chris leans in and kisses her again]

Chris: Mom! I need my skates to show off my talents!

Samantha James: [in a crowded bar, Chris is talking with Jamie, while Samantha is waiting for him at the door] Chris! Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris...

Chris: I'm busy!

Samantha James: I'm busy too, stupid dick!

Chris' Mom: Dusty, what kind of car is this?

Dusty: Carol, this little Japanese princess here is called the Prius.

Chris' Mom: I think it's so neat that you kids care about the environment.

Chris: I love the environment.

Chris' Mom: But honey, don't you drive a Range Rover? Aren't those bad?

Chris: [pause] Well, I had a really nice time tonight, and I hope we can do it again soon. Hey, Dusty, thanks for comin'.

Dusty: Oh, listen, man, it was my pleasure, really. Thank you all for having me. It was so nice.

[Chris takes out his retainer]

Dusty: And hey, before I forget, make sure to that you rinse that thing at least twice a day, okay? Your mouth is a disgusting open cesspool with germs and bacteria. Now put that back!

Clark: We're married!

Chris: Married?

Samantha James: MARRIED!

Darla: We have a son, his name is TJ!

Samantha James: TJ!

Chris: So, how's the love life?

Jamie Palamino: Lame. Marty and I broke up a year ago.

Chris: Another jerk, huh?

Jamie Palamino: "Another jerk, huh?"

Chris: I'm just saying... you dated a lot of jerks in high school.

Jamie Palamino: So what about you? You in love with anyone besides yourself?

Clark: How'd the big date go?

Chris: It was terrible. I went in for a kiss, but she wants a hug, okay? Then I get caught in a sort of kiss-hug limbo type thing. I don't know what that is, then I ended up *shaking* her entire body!

Clark: So you gave her a body shake?

Chris: Oh, God! I should've just kissed her! What am I doing?

Clark: It looks like you picked up right where you left off. You're back in the friend zone.

Jamie Palamino: We need to talk about what you wrote. Is that really how you feel?

Chris: I don't know. Maybe. Why?

Jamie Palamino: Because that's the nicest thing anyone's ever written me.

Chris: It was?

Jamie Palamino: Yes. I love you Chris -

[goes to kiss him. Chris goes for her lips and she moves to his cheek]

Jamie Palamino: like a brother!

Chris: Hmm?

Jamie Palamino: We're friends right?

Chris: For sure!

Chris' Mom: You don't need to show off to impress Jamie. You should just be yourself.

[starts singing]

Chris' Mom: Be yourself! Be yourself. Be yourself.

[Chris starts to runs off]

Chris' Mom: Now come on, Mike and I are making snow angels!

Chris: I don't want to be myself.

Chris: [thinking] This is it. You're finally going to have sex with Jamie Palamino. Oh God, look at that face. Look at that body. Why are you smiling like a fricken idiot? Go on. Make a move. MAKE A MOVE!

[takes a deep breath]

Jamie Palamino: What's on your mind?

Chris: [awkwardly] Bush. President Bush. The first family, really.

Jamie Palamino: [Jamie sighs and rolls over]

Chris: [thinking] Dude! You're killing me! This is the girl of your dreams! Ravish her! What if she doesn't want to be ravished? What if she wants to stay friends? Friends don't ravish each other. Friends watch New Years Rockin' Eve. I wonder who's hosting this year.

Jamie Palamino: Chris, can you put your feet on mine? They're freezing.

Chris: Yeah.

[thinking while cuddling up behind Jamie]

Chris: Hell yeah. Her feet aren't even cold. This is it. Don't even think about how weird tomorrow's going to be.

Jamie Palamino: Chris?

Chris: [thinking as he slowly rolls over off of her] Oh God. Oh, God. What are you doing? Where are you going?

Jamie Palamino: Is everything alright?

Chris: Oh, everything's fine. Yeah. You okay? Uh, you need another blanket or anything?

Jamie Palamino: No, I'm fine.

Chris: Ah.

[thinking]

Chris: You're not going to make a move are you?

[to Jamie]

Chris: Good night, Jamie.

Jamie Palamino: Good night, Chris.

Chris: [thinking] You don't deserve a penis!

Chris: I can't hear you Samantha. I can't hear you. OH! Lightbulb!

Chris: Look, I know you hate me, but I need to speak with Jamie... Where is she?

Mr. Palamino: She's gone off with Mr. Lee.

Clark: The drycleaner?

Mr. Palamino: No, Dusty, you jackass!

Jamie Palamino: Why do you keep messing with my head?

Chris: I messed with your head for three days. You've been *torturing* me for twenty years!

Jamie Palamino: Is this all because I didn't screw you in high school? Get over yourself!

Chris: After being the biggest tease for so long, trust me, I am so over myself.

Jamie Palamino: Oh, so I'm the tease? I practically throw myself at you the other night and you did nothing!

Chris: And now you know how it feels.

Samantha James: But I'm not ready for a gig.

Chris: Of course you are.

Samantha James: No... no. No! This is a bad idea Chris!

Chris: God I am so stupid!

Samantha James: No you aren't baby.

Chris: Here I am trying to make you into an artist when you're just a pop bubblegum sensation. But that's okay. Paris, here we come.

Samantha James: But I am an artist... I am an artist... Hey! I am an artist!

Chris: Good. You ready to do this?

Samantha James: I was born ready bitch.

Chris: 'Simply Dusty'... is there no other kind?

Chris: It's like the Michael Bolton starter kit.

Chris: [Jamie slaps him] You slap like a cheerleader...

[Jamie then punches him in the face]

Chris: So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy... more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest pussy she's ever seen.

Jamie Palamino: Will you try it on for me? Please? I think it will fit...

Chris: [putting on Jamie's gift] ... It's a little snug.

Jamie Palamino: Aww. "Shakes come and go but friends are furrr-ever." That's adorable! Let's go show my mom.

Chris: No, you have fun being the girl who peaked in high school.

Chris: [writing in her yearbook] Dear Jamie, When we're together, I feel like we're not in high school, but in our own little Chris and Jamie world. Whether we're watching 'Party of Five' or practicing our cheers, I feel like I can just be myself. Jamie, we've been friends for a really long time, but I want to be more than that. Hoping to be your boyfriend... Sincerely, Chris Brander. BFF!

Ray: Where did you come up with this theory?

[referring to the 'Friend Zone' theory]

Chris: Some chick f'ed me up in high school bad.

Jamie Palamino: So, tell me about your job!

Chris: Oh my God, when you get past all the glamour, it's just crazy. I mean, you got Pink calling you, Good Charlotte, then it's Jay-Z's birthday party, and I am totally name dropping right now and I'd really like to stop. Mick Jagger. How about you?

Mike: Dude I think she left you hanging.

Chris: It's probably just an important businees call. Get off the phone.

Mike: What, the bar ran out of curly fries?

Chris: Get off the phone!

[losing his temper]

Mike: Dude are you gonna boink Jamie or what?

Chris: Yes! Are you happy now?

Mike: Alright.

Mike: Dude the Notebook is so gay.

Chris: GET OFF THE PHONE!

Mike: Homo, homo...

[Mike makes noises down the phone with his tongue]

Mike: [Chris kicks down the bathroom door]

Chris: Sometimes things that are really hard can be really rewarding because they're hard, you know!

Chris: If you want to get laid you take a chick to a fancy restaurant, but if you really like her you take her to your secret place.

Paul Tannek: Think you could turn it down just a skosh?

Chris: Skosh? What's that?

Paul Tannek: Oh, are you referring to the illegal drugs you disperse at parties?

Chris: What are you talking about? What, are you gonna turn into a narc on us?

Paul Tannek: What kinda drugs were you giving out here?

Chris: Drugs? Man, all we had was BEER.

Paul Tannek: You can't pass out from beer.

Chris: Yes, you can, if you take something before you drink it!

Chris: I'm gonna tell you something, and this... this is gonna be for your own good, okay?

Paul Tannek: Okay.

Chris: No one likes you.

Paul Tannek: They don't?

Chris: No. You didn't notice?

Chris: Man, our T.G. party was a total bust. Every time I got close to hittin' it with one of those new mamas, her evil girlfriend's got to show up and screw everything up.

Adam: What we need is a higher female-to-male ratio, like in cool nightclubs, you know, where they let in five times as many women as men.

Noah: How are we gonna get five times as many women to show up?

Adam: We have a party but we call it a fundraiser.

Chris: So we gotta think of a charity.

Adam: It's gotta be the right charity. It's got to attract hotties.

Chris: Yeah.

Noah: What's that country with all the babies?

Adam: China.

Chris: Romania.

Noah: No.

Chris: But wait, I don't know about babies. No, I mean, that's going to give 'em the wrong message.

Noah: How about AIDS?

Adam: Oh, THERE'S a mood-setter.

Chris: Whoa! Whoa! Wha-what's goin' on?

Inspector: Inspections for drugs and alcohol.

Noah: What?

Adam: Since when?

Student: O'Brien from the eighth floor's in a coma.

Chris: So?

Student: So the board instigated some new policies.

Adam: [overlapping the next two lines] That-that-that-that-that-that-that...

Noah: This is whack!

Chris: Can they even DO this?

Adam: I'm callin' my father's lawyer. Our parents pay a lot of money for us to enjoy our college experience.

Noah: Oh, my God. Are you guys taking Psych?

Chris, Adam: Yeah.

Noah: Do you ever look in the book?

Chris: No.

Noah: Look at this retard!

[all laugh]

Paul Tannek: Hey, has anybody seen my toothbrush?

Chris: [from the other room] You can't find it? Shit, you better find that thing, man. Those things can cost up to $2.50.

Noah: [also from the other room] Yeah, and yours has such a nice handle, man.

Chris: Come on! You're my asshole buddy. Look, since O'Brien died...

Paul Tannek: What?

Chris: O'Brien, on the eighth floor, he died. So they've instituted this new policy where they're, like, doing grocery inspections to make sure there's no alcohol coming in, and they're doing spot checks to make sure that there's, like, one guest per person. Just because one guy can't monitor his buzz, all of us got to suffer.

Chris: Jenna's perfect, she's beautiful. What more could you ask for?

Chris: Take a risk, take a chance - that's what you used to tell me.

Chris: What are you scalping?

Johnny: Strokes tickets at The Greek.

Chris: Are they even real?

Johnny: Uh, yeah. They're totally real. They're Ticketmaster approved.

[simulating sound and gesturing of ejaculation]

Johnny: All over your face!

Chris: Is that what you sound like when you're coming?

Johnny: Yeah.

Annie: You baked that?

Chris: I'm not a total dead loss as a woman. I can't knit or make plum jam but I can bake a bloody Victoria sponge.

Annie: Ok, thank you.

Chris: Course, I didn't actually bake this one - I got it at Marks and Spencer - but the point is...

Annie: You can't enter a cake you bought in a shop!

Chris: Get off! It doesn't matter where it comes from, does it? This is about putting up a united front against Highgyll. This isn't bakery. It's Zulu.

Chris: A while ago I asked John Clarke to give us a talk here at Knapely WI. Annie asked me to read it to you here tonight, and this is what he wrote: "The flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire. Every stage of their growth has its own beauty, but the last phase is always the most glorious. Then very quickly they all go to seed."

[laughter]

Chris: "Which makes it ironic my favourite flower isn't even indigenous to the British Isles, let alone Yorkshire. I don't think there's anything on this planet that more trumpets life that the sunflower. For me that's because of the reason behind its name. Not because it looks like the sun but because it follows the sun. During the course of the day, the head tracks the journey of the sun across the sky. A satellite dish for sunshine. Wherever light is, no matter how weak, these flowers will find it. And that's such an admirable thing. And such a lesson in life."

Chris: Lawrence, we're going to need considerably bigger buns.

Chris: Look at 'em. Highgyll WI, "ooh, let's arrange our cakes round an old cartwheel".

Ruth: Does look pretty though.

Chris: Whose side are you on, Brutus?

Ruth: No, I didn't mean...

Chris: What's your event by the way?

Ruth: Tea tray, on an international theme. I did Jamaica but it could be anywhere in the Caribbean.

Chris: You know, if more people did WI, there'd be half the need for hallucinogenic drugs.

Marie: The next item on the agenda is the calendar. Last year we had views of local bridges, so this year I thought we could go for the twelve most beautiful views of...

Chris: [mutters] ... George Clooney

Marie: ...the churches of Wharfedale.

Chris: [mutters] Eleven fully-clothed and a little "lift the flap" for December.

Annie: None of us have been here before, love. I mean, for God's sake, my John didn't see me naked until the spring of 1975.

Chris: What happened in the spring of '75?

Annie: There was a lizard in the shower block at Abergele.

[laughter]

Annie: Quite a few people saw me naked that morning.

[seeking approval for the calendar at the National WI Conference]

Chris: I'm about to commit heresy. Look, I hate plum jam.

[laughter]

Chris: I only joined the WI to make my mother happy. I do, I hate plum jam. I'm crap at cakes, I can't make sponge. In fact, seeing as it's unlikely that George Clooney would actually come to Skipton to do a talk on what it was like to be in "ER", there seems very little reason for me to actually stay in the WI. Except suddenly... suddenly I want to raise money in memory of a man I loved, and to do that I'm prepared to take me clothes off for a WI calendar, and if you can't give us ten minutes of your time, Madam Chairman, well then, frankly, guys, I'm going to do it without council approval. Because there are some things that are more important than council approval. And if it means that we get closer to killing off this shitty, cheating, sly, conniving bloody disease that cancer is, oh God, I tell you, I'd run round Skipton market naked, smeared in plum jam, wearing nothing but a knitted tea cosy on me head and singing "Jerusalem".

[laughter]

Brenda Mooney: We don't do nudity. But we do do charity. I assume that this is a local fundraiser and you're not going to be making a big hoo-ha out of it?

Chris: Yes.

Brenda Mooney: Then it is a branch matter, and I can leave any decision in the hands of your branch president.

[leaves]

Marie: [pauses] Oh sod it go on then.

Marie: She's here to introduce us to the fascinating world of rugs

[secretary whispers to her]

Marie: My apologies Iris, I stand corrected, it's not just rugs, it is in fact all forms of carpeting.

Chris: Oh, thank God. For a moment I thought it was going to be dull.

Ruth: Well, I think it's a great idea.

Cora: You weren't concentrating, were you Ruth?

Ruth: I was. We're going to raise money to buy a sofa for the hospital in John's name.

Celia: By posing for a nude calendar!

Ruth: Oh no!

Chris: Oh sit down. I'm not asking you to straddle an 'Arley Davidson.

Celia: It's still a bit of a leap from Burnsall church, love.

Chris: That's the 'ole point. It's an alternative calendar, it's...

Annie: It's what John suggested.

Chris: Did he?

Annie: The last stage of the flower is the most glorious. So what this calendar would be saying is "actually, yes John, we agree".

Ruth: With respect, I didn't hear him use the phrase "whip your bras off"

Chris: T minus two hours. Bras off to avoid strap marks.

Celia: As we speak darling, as we speak.

Bookshop Owner: The WI calendar? No love.

Chris: But I definitely sent you some. See? Minstergate Bookshop, 50.

Bookshop Owner: I know. And I got 'em. I put 'em out at nine o'clock and by ten past nine, we'd sold out.

Chris: And seeing Marie's raised the issue, we're a good few months short.

Marie: Is that not because all this has the air of another of Chris's great ideas? Like the vodka tasting night?

Chris: No, because I'm going to make sure this one turns out ok Marie, because it's for John. It's inspired by John and it's for John and it's because of John and no matter what you might think of the idea Marie, you're looking at January.

Student Photographer: The blood represents the spread of globalisation and the sheep's skull represents the death of democracy.

Chris: And the carrot?

Student Photographer: The carrot is capitalism.

Chris: How's Jem?

Rod: He made a quiche on Tuesday. We've been stoned ever since.

Chris: I'm not a total dead loss as a woman, I may not be able to knit or make plum jam but I can bake a bloody Victoria sponge... 'course I didn't bake this one, I got it at Marks and Spencer.

[discussing the calendar]

Chris: It *should* be bloody George Clooney. I mean, come the toss between Burnsall Church and George Clooney, I know which I'd rather wake up looking at.

John: It is a Norman church, you know.

Chris: I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church, John. It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about.

Chris: This isn't bakery. It's Zulu!

W.I. Judge: And the winner of this year's May Wilkinson trophy for Victoria Sponge maximum twelve inch diameter I'm delighted to say is entry number 213.

Annie: [whispers] Nice knowing you, Chris.

Chris: [whispers back] Help me!

Ruth: Well that's interesting.

W.I. Judge: entered by Knapely WI and baked by Chris Harper.

Chris: You should've told us. I'm your oldest friend, you should've told me the moment you found out.

Annie: I did.

Chris: Did you talk to the specialist? John seems a lot chirpier today. What's the old...

Annie: Pneumonia and septicaemia.

Chris: Oh well that's good, I've heard of those. They can deal with those can't they?

Annie: It means his immune system's weakened. The chemo isn't working which means we are finally out of straws.

Annie: If we can't use the name WI then we just don't use it.

Chris: Then, what? We'll have a calendar of some middle aged women mysteriously standing naked behind fruit cakes.

Rod: Now get in that hall and sort out whatever went wrong with Annie.

Chris: I don't know what to say to her.

Rod: She's your oldest friend, Chris, you don't have to say anything.

Chris: Now. Can anybody see my nipples?

Chris: You missed it. We were just on television, the whole reason we came here.

Annie: I thought that was to get away from the press.

Chris: Have you photographed many humans or is it mainly...

Welsh Photographer: It's mainly poodles.

Chris: I've put our names down for speakers next month: "Chris and Annie: What we learned in 'Ollywood".

Annie: You're lying. I know for a fact that Colin Petley's coming from Keighley with his collection of tea towels.

Chris: Be still my beating heart!

Marie: Victoria Sponge. Annie's on Victoria sponge.

[Marie leaves. Chris dives under the table and brings out a cake tin]

Ruth: What's that?

Chris: Well, Annie won't have had time running Yul Brynner in and out of Skipton General, so ta da!

Annie: Sorry I'm late. It just took a bit longer than... Oh my God, the cake!

Chris: Told you.

Chris: Good Lord. Nagging lilies.

Chris: We thought if glamour photographers can do it on a beach in Bangkok we can do it in a church hall near Skipton.

Chris: Annie, what *is* the point of the WI?

Annie: Enlightenment, fun and friendship!

Chris: [to John] It's right. It's them things. Or in my case it's something you did because your mother wanted you to and then she went ahead and died and then it was too late.

Annie: You love it.

Chris: Course you've got a body worth looking at.

Ruth: Just look at that parking.

Chris: Ruth.

Ruth: Doesn't it annoy you when people take up two spaces.

Celia: I've never been naked in front of anyone in my life.

Chris: Not even Frank?

Celia: Frank's a major. We approach nudity on a strictly need-to-know basis.

Chris: You cannot stand it. You cannot stand that *I* have made this calendar a success.

Annie: No. You see, what's happened Chris is that this calendar has made *you* a success.

John: I'll model for you for nowt.

Chris: No thanks John. I've just seen your backside and believe me, it's nothing like George's.

Cora: I'm surprised they printed it.

Jessie: It's probably all over the internet by now.

Annie: By the sound of it, most people have seen it already.

Chris: Lots of people have photos taken with their tops off on holiday in Ibiza don't they?

Ruth: It probably just came as a slight shock Chris, what with the previous fifteen photos being of flower arrangements.

Annie: Bad girl.

Chris: Bun toucher.

Ted the Bike Man: You ran into a gate? How'd you do that?

[Jem mumbles]

Chris: He does a paper round. It pays for his elocution lessons.

[deleted scene]

Rod: Where are you?

Chris: You'll never guess where I've been all day.

Rod: I know it's not Mrs Carter's bloody funeral.

Chris: Fuck!

Chris: I'm not asking you to straddle an 'Arley Davidson.

Chris: Are you throwing my cake? That is disrespectful!

John: It's very good.

Chris: Course it's good. They don't give the May Wilkinson out lightly you know.

Rod: I can't find the order form.

Chris: It's under the tin can where the bent nail used to be.

Annie: Your son's been arrested.

Chris: And released with 10g of oregano. The only thing that'd be dangerous in is a quiche.

Martin: Has anyone ever told you you're a bit of an idiot?

Chris: I'm a politician, that's all they ever tell me.

Martin: [about Jess] Genuinely, I don't know how you've survived her.

Chris: Ear plugs.

Andy McDermott: To Paris.

Chris: Beware.

[Andy and Chris make a toast]

Brad: Hey,hey watch it man. All right I have the score for Spain our leader with 125 daredevil points, yours truly and in second place with 95 Chris...

Chris: Wait hold on a second what about the sex points?

Brad: No,those are separate.

Chris: Since when you can't keep changing the rules.

Andy McDermott: Who said anything about sex points,read your shirt it say's Daredevil Tour.

Chris: [Girl passes by] you see that, she smiled at me.

Andy McDermott: In your dream's she's not interested in douche bags like us,european babes are charming and sophisticated especially the French

Brad: Yea hench the hairy pit's.

Andy McDermott: See what I mean.

Chris: I'll give you 30 sex point's if you can so much as get her phone number.

Andy McDermott: She's not my type.

Brad: Ah come on you-you haven't made a move this entire trip Andy.

Andy McDermott: I'm choosy.

Chris: When was the last time you had sex?

Brad: With another person?

Andy McDermott: There's sex and there's love,that's what differentiates human's from animal's.

Brad: Alright fine when where you last in love?

Andy McDermott: [to Chris] When where you ever in love?

Chris: Maps upside-down,slick.

Brad: Give him a break Chris, we can't let him fall to far back.

Andy McDermott: I won't need your charity once we get to Paris, Il show you guy's a stunt you'll never top.

Brad, Chris: [Sarcastically] Oooh

Chris: I just downloaded my schedule onto your computer.

Lois McNally: I hope you were using a condom.

Chris: Tommy, what am I doing with someone like you?

Tom Bartlett: Me?

Chris: Me! With my perfect hair.

Chris: I have decided that you are a waste of my perfect wardrobe, with matching shoes.

Tom Bartlett: Nobody's that perfect.

Chris: [looks down at her chest] Oh, oh, I am.

[first lines]

Testimonial Speaker: We're all very proud of Judah Rosenthal's philanthropic efforts. His endless hours of fund raising for the hospital, the new medical center, and now, the ophthalmology wing, which until this year had just been a dream. But it's due to Rosenthal our friend that we most appreciate. The husband, the father, the golf companion. Naturally if you have a medical problem you can call Judah...

Miriam Rosenthal: You're blushing, darling.

Testimonial Speaker: ...day or night, weekends or holidays. But you can also call Judah to find out which is the best restaurant in Paris - or Athens. Or which hotel to stay at in Moscow. Or the best recording of a particular Mozart symphony...

Sharon Rosenthal: My father's so nervous about having to get up to speak.

Chris: I know, I know. I knew he was nervous when you didn't eat any of those cocktail weenies at the hors d'oeuvres.

Miriam Rosenthal: He was so courageous all week. Then suddenly tonight, stage fright. Really Judah, you were fine until you got home from work today.

Chris: Adam! You wanna get gay?

Adam: What?

Chris: [raises the bottle] You want a shot?

Chris: I'm not the Humphrey Bogart in this. I'm the Peter Lorre. I'm the sidekick character. You the Humphrey Bogart. You had your opening. You know what I'm saying? She wanted you to stop her from marrying the old dude, but you let it ride, you know? Same thing Bogey did, man. You're the same dude.

Dre: Man, don't be dissin' Humphrey Bogart, man.

Chris: Why not?

Dre: 'Cause he's Humphrey Bogart. He's the man. Yo, he was fightin' a war. That's what they did back then.

Chris: You know what he needed to do back then? He needed to stop fine-ass Ingrid Bergman from gettin' on the plane with the corny dude. And then, he gonna walk off in the fog with some other dude. Come on, man. With another dude, in the fog? Come on. Two grown men walk off in a fog, you don't know where they goin'? Think about it, man.

Dre: You smoke too much grass, man.

Chris: I hope you don't think you walkin' off no place with me, man. Matter of fact, let me sit over here.

Chris: I am not gay!

Max: [in the diner] Man that chick has got body karate.

Tang: Hay do you think her tits are real? I hate chicks with fake tits.

Max: Are you kidding me? Fake tits are the greatest invention of the 20th century. Plus they're safe.

Chris: Whoa, whoa, whoa, safer?

Max: Yeah. But do you know that 78% of all chicks that have fake tits involved in boating accidents do not drown.

Chris: Where do you get this shit?

Max: It's common knowledge

Max: [in the diner] Man that chick has got body karate.

Tara: Hay do you think her tits are real? I hate chicks with fake tits.

Max: Are you kidding me? Fake tits are the greatest invention of the 20th century. Plus their safe.

Chris: Woe woe woe, safer?

Max: Yah! But Da you know that 78% of all chicks that have fake tits involved in boating accidents do not drown.

Danny Doyle: Where do you get this shit?

Max: It's common knowledge

Chris: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.

C.W.: I know, perceptive.

Betty Ann: You misunderstand me. I dreamed you and I finally wound up together.

Chris: That's funny because I didn't hear any screaming.

Chris: Many a man has gone to the gallows on circumstantial evidence.

[Pat falls down a flight of stairs]

Kyle Jacobs: Are you all right... um... um... you there?

Chris: Yeah, hon. Did you break anything?

Pat Riley: Oh, I crushed my nuts!

Kyle Jacobs: Ooooh, that's got to hurt!

Pat Riley: Oh, shoot!

[holding up crushed walnuts]

Pat Riley: There goes my afternoon snack!

Chris: I find everything about you... endlessly fascinating.

Pat Riley: Join the club!

Chris: Felix, I just want you to know I forgive you for shooting me in the foot.

Felix: I don't care!

Chris: Ok.

Catherine O'Shaughnessy: [seeing Chris, to Philip] THAT'S who you were dancing with?

Chris: She insults me, too. My God, if you don't have tits like Dolly Parton, no one wants you.

Chris: [to Philip] Dancing with you makes me feel all fluffy, like I was dancing on a cloud.

[to Mr. Washington over the phone, for firing him]

Chris: How's your day going? Good, 'cause the rest of your day's gonna be FUCKED!

Mr. Washington: [Mr. Washington recently fired Chris. Chris calls Mr. Washington's private number] Hello?

Chris: Good morning, Mr. Washington? How's your day? Good. Cause the rest of your day's gonna be fucked! You fucked with the wrong motherfucker, asshole!

[Laughs]

Chris: I'm gonna fuckin' kill you. I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I got the mothafuckin' AK/And I'm gonna spray everyone mothafucka round your way/I got the mothafuckin' glock!/And I'm comin' on your mothafuckin' block!

Mr. Washington: How'd some fool get my private line?

Chris: You probably wonder how I got this number?

[Razzes into the phone, and hangs up]

Chris: I'm telling you, Orvie. There's a woman.

Orvie: Why you telling me? Why don't you tell her?

Chris: You mean...?

[Shrugs it off]

Chris: Ah. Sure would like to meet her though.

Orvie: Well, don't sit perched up there like an old barn owl. Just walk up and introduce yourself. That's what I always and it never missed.

Chris: Oh, you can't do that to a city woman.

Orvie: The heck you can't.

Chris: This gal's no ranch woman.

Orvie: Oh, ranch woman, city woman... put 'em on a Mother Hubbard and a long end of a churn and they're all alike.

[after sex]

Chris: I was thinking of Johnny Depp.

Chris: Screw you, honey. Boy, if there's one thing I can't stand it's a queen without a sense of humor. You can die with your secret... miserable piss-elegant fairy.

Gaetano Proclo: You're a good man, Abe. I'm gonna have a novena said for you when I get back to Cleveland. What's your last name? Abe what?

Abe Lefkowitz: Lefkowitz.

Gaetano Proclo: I'll still have a novena said for you when I get back.

[Gaetano leaves]

Chris: You know, I had a novena said for me once. I asked to wake up gorgeous.

Abe Lefkowitz: So, what happened?

Chris: Well look at me!

Gaetano Proclo: Listen, there's something I have to tell you...

Chris: You're not gay?

Gaetano Proclo: [relieved] No!

Chris: What, are you a social worker or something?

Gaetano Proclo: No, but I didn't know that everyone in here was...

Chris: GAY! See? It's not a bad word. You might try using it sometime.

Gaetano Proclo: You mean to tell me that everyone in here is gay?

Chris: God, I hope so. Otherwise I just paid ten dollars to walk around in a towel in front of a bunch of Shriners.

Carmine Vespucci: What's the matter with you? I thought all dicks could whistle.

Chris: Only "Stormy Weather."

Chris: Margaret Dumont! I thought you were dead!

Muscle Bound Patron: There's a reason people like me don't ride the subway. I'm looking right at him.

Chris: Is that supposed to mean me? Screw you, honey. You can die with your secret, piss-elegant fairy! If there's anything I can't stand, it's a queen without a sense of humor.

Chris: [to Carmine] Dumb and dizzy, that's me, Darling.

Chris: There will be an orgy beginning in room 340 in exactly minutes! Orgy in 340! Four minutes!

Carmine Vespucci: I need some kind of code name.

Chris: [excitedly] Evelyn!

Carmine Vespucci: No. I don't like Evelyn. It sounds too effiminate.

Chris: [in a deep voice] How about Bunny?

Carmine Vespucci: I like it.

Abe Lefkowitz: People like you think the whole world is queer.

Chris: Well, it's lucky for people like you it is.

Gaetano Proclo: [disappointed] You're not Joe Namath!

Chris: It's the lighting.

Chris: As strange as it may seem, no one is going to attack you.

Gaetano Proclo: Someone already has!

Chris: Eh, beginner's luck.

Gaetano Proclo: I don't know what I'm doing!

Chris: Join the club! It's like some strange heterosexual Gypsy curse was put on this place.

Chris: Into the steamroom, girls.

Chris: [Alan has introduced Alice to his friends] A fiver says he blows it.

Marion: Anyway, I want it to be you that I make love to.

Chris: It's me! It's me, darling!

Marion: No, it's not. It's eight pints of lager with an erection.

Chris: Kissing is like a nice form of communication...

Ella: [laughs] Yeah... yeah.

Chris: Right? Between... yeah, between two friends.

Ella: Yeah.

Chris: I don't know. Uh, I just... I wanna... communicate with you.

Ella: I just can't tell wake what you're thinking... *ever*.

Chris: [scroffs] You assume that I actually think about things.

Chris: Fool, I wasn't even talking to you. This is a A-B conversation, you know... you can "C" your way out of it.

Doughboy: Yeah, you can "C" your way out my ride, and we'll "C" your cripple ass walking all the way home.

Doughboy: Yeah, I heard you been gettin' that dope-head pussy. See, me, I probably get more pussy than you get air with yo' wannabe macdaddy ass.

Dooky: You don't know what I be getting. I don't be fucking no dopeheads. I let them suck my dick. Shit, they got AIDS and shit.

Monster: Stupid motherfucker, don't you know you can catch that shit from letting them suck on your dick?

Doughboy: Thank you.

Dooky: See. I ain't sick. I ain't all skinny and shit.

Chris: Nigga, what you mean you ain't skinny. Motherfucker so skinny, he can hula hoop through a Cheerio. And you ain't got to be skinny or sick, you can die five years from now from that shit.

Dooky: Y'all just trying to scare me... for real, can you really die from lettin em suck on yo dick?

Doughboy: Mark.

Tre Styles: I get a discount on clothes, and shit. You like?

Doughboy: Nigga, you look like you selling rocks!

Chris: Yo, Tre' you be slinging that shit?

Tre Styles: No, I don't sell that shit!

Doughboy: You couldn't anyway! Pops will kick yo' ass! You know I'm out the pen. I'm gon' keep my ass out this time.

Tre Styles: That's what we're here to celebrate, right? Damn, brother how did you get so big?

Doughboy: Pumping iron, and eating. Ain't nothing else to do in the motherfucking pen. Three hots, and a cot, know what I'm saying? I was also reading, and writing my girl.

Monster: You read?

Doughboy: Yeah nigga, I ain't no criminal! I can read, bitch!

Chris: I tell y'all where y'all need to go, where they got more women than anywhere. Violence too.

Monster: Crenshaw Sunday Nights?

Chris: no.

Doughboy: Street races on Florence?

Chris: Nah, nigga, y'all way off!

Chris: I give y'all a hint: Everybody's been there

Monster: where?

Doughboy: Where nigga, spit it out!

Chris: The Church.

Doughboy: Aw Shit! Nigga please! Ain't nobody going to church to catch no bitches. I should roll your ass up off this porch with that stupid shit!

Chris: I tell you where y'all need to go, where they got more women than anywhere, fine ones too.

Monster: Crenshaw on Sunday Nights?

Chris: Nope.

Doughboy: Street races on Flourence?

Chris: Nah, nigga, y'all way off!

Chris: I give y'all a hint: Everybody's been there.

Dooky: where?

Doughboy: Where nigga, spit it out!

Chris: Church.

Doughboy: ain't nobody going to church to catch no bitches. I should roll your ass up off this porch with that stupid shit!

Monica: Come on, Chris! Fuck me. You're dying to, I know you are.

Chris: I just got married.

Monica: Yeah. And? It'll be your wedding present.

Yvette: Hey, girl.

Sharika: What you doing?

Chris: Are you on the damn phone again? Get off the phone.

Yvette: What's all that noise? Are you okay?

Sharika: That's Chris. The nigga is trippin'. We've been drinking that Thug Passion.

Chris: Get off the phone, bumping your gums, talking to them hos.

Sharika: You made up with that nigga Jody yet?

Yvette: No. I ain't thinking about him.

Sharika: Yeah, right. Jody know that's his pussy.

Yvette: I won't put up with his shit no more.

Chris: Am I invisible?

Sharika: I feel you.

Chris: Hello! Lights on. Anyone home?

Sharika: I definitely feel you.

Chris: Get off the goddamn phone and come here, so I can drop it off in your drawers! Damn!

Sharika: These niggas trip when they think hey own you. You need to check him.

Chris: You need to check these nuts in your mouth.

Sharika: Shut the fuck up! You see I'm on the damn phone! Shut your motherfucking ass up!

Chris: Fuck them hos! You always talk to them bitches about their relationships. Attend to your nigga!

Walterson: You'll be workin' nights here now.

Chris: What? Why?

Walterson: You gave those guys on the streets guns to shoot people who show up with other guns.

[repeated line]

Chris: I fucked up.

Mike Swale: Grow up.

Chris: What? Did you leave your dick in Buffalo?

Mike Swale: Chris, these women are anchors.

Chris: Here he goes again.

Mike Swale: How many guys in this bar have felt her up?

Chris: All of them.

Mike Swale: Right. And how many have gone home with her, how many guys have slept with her?

Chris: None, including yourself.

Mike Swale: Right, I rest my case.

Chris: Don't rest it too long, 'cause I promise you it will fall off.

Chris: What's my last name?

Walker: What's my first name?

Walker: How bad does he want you, Chris?

Chris: Oh, I don't know. Who knows.

Walker: Yeah, you know. How bad?

Chris: Pretty bad, I guess.

Walker: Bad enough to let you through into the Huntley?

Chris: Why should I?

Walker: Well, it's up to you.

Walker: I heard you're running with Reese.

Chris: Well, you heard wrong.

Walker: Does he want you?

Chris: Sure he does.

Walker: Do you want him?

Chris: He makes my flesh crawl.

Walker: I want him.

Chris: Well, here I am.

Mal Reese: What made you change your mind?

Chris: Its a woman's privilege. All good things come to those who wait.

Mal Reese: Then I win first prize. Scotch?

Chris: Scotch is fine.

Mal Reese: Have you seen Lynne lately?

Chris: You know about her and me.

Mal Reese: You girls ought to kiss and make up.

Chris: You're a pathetic sight, Walker, from where I'm standing. Chasing shadows. You're played out. It's over. You're finished. What would you do with the money if you got it? It wasn't yours in the first place. Why don't you just lie down - and die?

Chris: Yeah, I got his rifle. It's a 6.5 millimeter Italian Carcano. It shoots high and to the left, and the bolt sticks. Christ, the Italians quit makin' these 25 years ago! They called it "The rifle that never hurt anyone... on purpose!"

Chris: I Can't on sunday, Mike.

Mike: We never see you anymore. What is it with you two? Still in your honeymoon? Too fucking busy, or too busy fucking?

Chris: You can't trust anyone these days.

Chris: How are you feeling, Charlie?

Charlie: Good.

Chris: No, you know what I mean. Is it bad tonight?

Charlie: No, no. I'm not picturing things anymore. Or if I do I can just shut it off.

Chris: Well, you know, Mom did say that you have good friends now. And maybe if it does get bad again, you can just talk to them. Yeah?

Charlie: Yeah. Especially Sam. She's great.

Chris: [handing sarah a flower] I wanna apologize for those guys in French. They're assholes.

Sarah: [droping the flower] Yeah well, you know what they say. You are who you hang with.

Chris: Yeah right... wait, did you just call me an asshole?

Sarah: [chuckels] Sorry, my defenses are up. People here have been really rude to me.

Sarah: Did you tell your friends?

Chris: What?

Sarah: That you're a lying sack of shit.

Chris: No... b-but I will!

Chris: You're just jealous!

Nancy: Jealous? Jealous? You don't even exist to me! You don't exist! You are nothing! You are shit! You don't exist. The only way you know how to treat women is by treating them like whores! Well, you're the whore! And this is gonna stop! Do you understand! Do you understand what I'm saying? Hmm?

Chris: [frightened] I'm sorry!

Nancy: Oh, he's sorry! He's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry!

[Nancy screams]

Nancy: Sorry, my ass!

[Nancy pushes Chris out a window and kills him]

Mr. Bailey: Can I help you?

Chris: No one can help me.

Chris: Sarah, come on, I mean... you look like you need to talk to somebody anyway.

Sarah: How do you know what I look like? We're talking on the phone.

Chris: Why didn't you answer the phone?

Sarah: It's three in the morning Chris.

Chris: Oh. Yeah, I guess that's a good reason... hey, you know, I was thinking we should move in together.

Sarah: I don't think I'm ready for that level of commitment.

Chris: Oh. Sarah, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I think I love you. I've never loved anyone before... well, except for my mom and this little puppy I had when I was little...

Sarah: Hey, Chris. Fuck you!

Chris: Nah.

Mitt: But I will.

[looks to Trey as Sarah runs off, upset]

Mitt: She's gonna cry, then I'm gonna cry, and we're all gonna cry!

Mitt: [In French class] You know this is L.A. We should be learning Mexican or something.

Chris: That would be Spanish, genius.

Chris: Sara?

Sarah: Yeah?

Chris: [seems to lose confidence] Nevermind.

Bonnie: [referring to Sara's spell] It's working!

Sarah: That or he's gone completely crazy.

Chris: Yeah, you know sometimes it's like we're one person. Know what I mean?

Sarah: [confused] No, I'm not sure.

Chris: [laughs] I'm not sure either! That's so funny, I was just thinking "I have no idea what I'm talking about".

Chris: You're gay?

Bobby: No, I got both my nipples pierced and bought a house in Morocco because I'm John fucking Wayne!

[from interviews after Chris/Izzy has quit Steel Dragon]

Kirk: Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's much ado about nothing isn't it? There's still four of us left. We're the original four. We're not going anywhere.

A.C. - Drummer, Steel Dragon: Look for the last time I don't give a fuck where he is and I don't really care if I ever see that little bastard again.

Mats, Steel Dragon Road Manager: He said to me, um, I need to take a piss. That's it. Uh, "Mats", he said, "I really need a piss."

Chris: I just think one day I realized it wasn't for me anymore. You know? Just wearing the clothes and singing the songs. It just didn't feel right. I just wanted to find myself. Find my own music.

Reporter: So Izzy... how do you keep your voice is such fine shape?

Chris: Well, my choir teacher gave me a lot of lessons...

Kirk: [interrupting] He eats a lot of pussy.

Chris: Oh yeah, I eat a lot of pussy... tons...

Chris: We are NOT a cover band, we're a TRIBUTE band!

Rob: No Dude, WE are a cover band! Problem is, we've been covering the tunes, you think you're in goddamn Steel Dragon... I love you man but you're mental, you really are. You need to get a grip on reality, man, you don't know where Bobby Beers ends and you begin.

Chris: You know, I'm just a regular guy who grew up with the posters of these guys on my wall... and now I'm one of them! That's right, I'm standing here, living proof that if you work hard enough, and you want it bad enough... dreams do come true. So follow your dreams...

Chris: What's it called when you do something to somebody and they hate it? And somebody else doing the same to you and you hate it too?

Mats, Steel Dragon Road Manager: I suppose some might call it called "poetic justice"

Chris: All I know is I owe the band and Rob a big fat apology

Chris: Yeah I know, we all owe someone an apology along the way, that's life, a long ago when I was at a university I was married

Chris: You were married?

Mats, Steel Dragon Road Manager: It was before you four boys and that rock 'n' roll music corrupted me, I still think about her sometimes actually, she was a very sweet girl

Chris: What happened? If you don't mind me asking

Mats, Steel Dragon Road Manager: one day we're in the park having lunch, I needed to take a piss so I got up to go to the bathroom and I'm standing there and all of sudden something over me, like a fear that my whole had already been laid out for me, like I'd be working for someone else, worrying about things that don't fucking matter so I walked out of the bathroom and kept going and didn't come back

Chris: What do you mean? You just left her there?

Mats, Steel Dragon Road Manager: Yeah sitting in front of a half eaten pie, it was very harsh, she saw me at one of those concerts a few years later, she hadn't changed and she married my best friend, a doctor, they have three gorgeous little kids, yeah she's very happy

Chris: I don't want to be in some cut-rate cover band that butchers the music the people come to hear, just so you can play your crappy originals!

Rob: Crappy originals? I think "Whole and a half" kicks ass, and I'm proud as shit to have written it.

Chris: Yeah? I guess that's why we get so many requests for it.

Chris: Well yeah Rob, maybe you can write me a song about why the hell I would ever want to do that!

Rob: Bradley's our new front man.

Chris: You've made your point... now, get him... out.

Rob: See this? This is the new PA he brought with him. Oh and that... that's the mixing board he brought with him too.

Chris: Have you heard the voice he's brought with him?

Chris: Oh, maybe if I get really lucky, I'll get to grow up and listen to Air Supply and wear jack boots.

Joe: What's wrong with Air Supply?

Chris: Nothing, if you're the cop from the Village People.

Chris: Is that what you want for your birthday? Everybody it forward?

Trevor: I can't ask for that.

Chris: Sure you can. Why not?

Trevor: It wouldn't work.

Chris: Why?

Trevor: [Long pause] I already blew out my candles.

Thorsen: I thanked him and there were some very specific orifices in which I was told to shove my thanks. He told me, "Just pay it forward." Three big favors for three other people. That's it.

Chris: So it's like a pass-it-on thing, then. Wait a minute. You and this lowlife are in this chain of do-gooders, some kind of Mother Theresa conga line? That's a little New-Agey for you, isn't it? Sort of Tibetan? What, are you in a cult?

Thorsen: If you mention my name, you'll be selling your kidneys to pay for your lawsuit. Cult.

Chris: Hey, the guy. What was the guy's name?

Thorsen: [as he's walking away] Sorry, I'm late for my mass wedding.

[Thorsen gives Chris the keys to his car]

Chris: You want me to drive home in your car?

Thorsen: No, I want you to take my car. Had a lot of luck lately. I don't need it.

Chris: You're giving me a brand-new Jaguar, and you don't want anything?

Thorsen: I can prove it. Give me your card.

[Chris gives Thorsen a business card]

Thorsen: I'll be in touch.

Chris: Whoa, what is this? What, you want me to kill your wife or something?

Thorsen: No. Tempting, but no. Call it generosity between two strangers.

Damien: Give me your letters, Chris.

[Damien holds out his hand. Chris just looks at him]

Damien: Give me your letters, Chris!

Chris: I didn't know what to write. And Mam can't read.

[Damien lets his hand fall, sighs]

Chris: Just tell her I love her. And where I'm buried.

Chris: Promise me, Damien. Promise me you won't bury me next to him?

[points to Sir John]

Damien: The chapel. Do you remember, on the way up? Do you remember?

Chris: Yeah.

Damien: In there.

Chris: Tell Teddy I'm sorry. I'm scared, Damien.

Damien: [sighs] Have you said your prayers?

Chris: Yeah.

Damien: God protect you.

William Cartwright: [Approaching Andrea and Chris] Is something wrong with the site?

Andrea: No, Mr. Cartwright. This gentleman was just leaving.

Chris: [Shaking William's hand] Hey, Mr. Cartwright. Chris. Andrea's husband.

William Cartwright: It's been a long time.

Chris: Yeah.

Abby: [Shaking Chris's hand] Oh, hi. I'm Abigail Dexter. Andrea, you never told me you were married.

Andrea: [Smiles uncomfortably at Abby]

Abby: So, I guess we'll be seeing you at the gala?

William Cartwright: Um, gala?

Abby: The opening of the Prestige building?

Chris: Oh. Oh, well, she didn't tell me about that, so...

Abby: [Eyeing Andrea suspiciously] Really? Shame on you, Andrea.

Cathy: Why are you just standing there, Mother? Cory needs to be taken to a hospital there is no other decision to make

[the mother just stands there looking and quivering]

Cathy: What's wrong with you mother? Are you going to just stand there and think about yourself and your money while Cory lies there and dies? Don't you care what happens to him? Have you forgotten that you're his mother?

Mother: Always it's you.

[slaps Cathy]

Cathy: [slaps her mother back]

Chris: Cathy!

Cathy: [shouts] Damn you to hell, Mama, if you don't take Cory to a hospital right now! You think you can go on doing whatever you want with us and nobody will ever find out? If Cory dies, Mama, you'll pay for it! One way or another, I will find a way. I promise you that.

Mother: Nonsense, you know I don't have any children. Get out. I'll not have my wedding day ruined by a cruel, evil prank.

Cathy: YOU'RE the one who's cruel and evil, Mother, you kept us locked up in that attic and you said you'd come for us after your father died. YOU NEVER CAME!

Chris: You couldn't let anybody find out about us, because if you did you'd be disinherited.

Mother: It's not true! No, what proof do they have?

Chris: [holds up a dead mouse] It died from eating the same cookies that Corrie ate.

Mother: Who's Corrie?

Chris: He was your son and my little brother! And you killed him.

Cathy: Just like you tried to kill us! Look at us, Mother, how could you do this to us?

[about his grandmother]

Chris: Look at you in your black dress. Your fancy jewels. Your pinched face. We're not afraid of you! We laugh at you! Do you hear that? We laugh!

Chris: [about the mother] She never meant for us to leave that attic.

Cathy: Christopher, what is it?

Chris: A copy of Grandfather's will. It's 2 months old. It says if it was ever proven Mom had children from her first marriage, even after he's dead, she'd be disinherited.

Cathy: Mother's known all this time that we could never be found.

Chris: She never meant for us to leave that attic.

Cathy: Mother should have prepared us for something like this.

Chris: What do you mean?

Cathy: She never allowed us have a... dog, or a kitten.

Chris: What's that got to do with anything?

Cathy: Because pets die, Christopher. And if we had had a pet and it had died, then we would have learned something about that.

Chris: About what? About death?

Cathy: Yes, death! Death! She should have told us. Somebody should have told us that fathers die too. They die, Christopher. Even if they're young, and they're handsome, and we need them.

Cathy: Do you need to use the bathroom?

Chris: No.

Cathy: Not even to brush your teeth?

Chris: I don't feel like it tonight.

Cathy: Why didn't you ever take us to see the grandparents before?

Mother: I suppose because we were never penniless before... many years ago I did something that angered your grandfather, and his punishment was to disinherit me.

Chris: So, why are we going back there if he won't give us any money?

Mother: Because he will. Your grandfather is dying. He's not expected to live much longer, and in that time, I'm going to win back his love... and then, darlings, I'll be an heiress to a fortune beyond your imaginations. And through me, all your wildest dreams will come true.

Mother: [Pretending not to know her children] Who's Cory?

Chris: He was your son and my little brother, and you killed him.

Cathy: Just like you tried to kill us.

[Referring to their ragged appearance]

Cathy: Look at us mother. How could you do this to us?

Chris: This way!

Cathy: No Chris, they're not going to get away with this. We've got to go tell our Grandfather the truth.

Chris: What difference does it make now? Let's just go!

Cathy: No, Mother's not getting that money, not after the way she treated us. Now come on!

Cathy: All the money in the world isn't worth the living that we've lost!

Chris: Maybe not to you but without some of it, Mom doesn't have a thing.

Cathy: She has us if she cared! Let's just take the twins and run away, Christopher! We'll find a way out, but let's do it now before it's too late!

Chris: So what's to become of us, Mom? How much longer do we continue living in this prison?

Mother: Prison.

Chris: You come back with gifts for us, Mom, do you think they can make up for what we've lost?

Mother: Christopher, if you stop loving me...

Chris: I haven't stopped loving you, Mom, I MAKE myself keep loving you every day, despite what you do to us.

Cathy: What're you doing?

Chris: I'm going downstairs to see that party. Want to come with me?

Chris: Whatever happens... we fight.

'The Scarf': [to Carla as they arrive on the farm and get out of the truck] Home at last! Beautiful isn't it? And this is my charming brother Chris.

[to Chris]

'The Scarf': Hey, Chris, put the bucket down and say hello to something you've never seen in your entire stupid life - a lady! Well, say something, Chris!

[to Carla]

'The Scarf': Great talker, this brother of mine - he always was!

Chris: [Dryly] I thought maybe you'd come back to do a job of work for a change.

'The Scarf': [Sarcastically] Work, Chris? What is that?

Chris: Hans is such a "coincidental" guy. He coincidentally comes by when something coincidentally happens, and he coincidentally meets someone who introduces him, like with Documenta, when he was called by accident.

Chris: I egged your house once when I was a sophomore. I'm, like, apologizing.

Leo Verdell: I'm like, accepting.

Chemistry teacher: Did you do that on purpose?

Chris: You think I'm trying to blind myself on purpose? No, I'm not.

David: You have a Dad?

Chris: Every once in a while.

Chris: Act like you own the place.

David: How will you act?

Chris: Like I just sold it to you.

Chris: We're dudes, and we're pretty sloppy dudes too.

Phil: Yeah, we just have to change a few of the parameters. Are you ready to give it a try?

Chris: My mom's gonna kill me!

Rascal: If you're not accomplices, then why are you in a getaway car with a criminal?

Joe: Because... because we're hostages.

Chris: Yeah - hostages. Like those guys in Iran.

Joe: Oh my God, how long can you get sent away for attempted armed robbery?

Tiger: Not long, 6 to 12.

Chris: Years?

Chris: [singing excitedly and with great happiness] I've brought a special gift, Joe! A choice above the status quo. It is my hope you love it so, my good friend PogieJ...

PogieJoe: [indifferent] Thank you very much, Chris. I'll just set it right over here.

Chris: [dumbfounded]

Tracy: When we get out of here, Joel's going to be carrying his balls home in a knapsack.

Chris: Remind me never to piss you off, Tracy.

Chris: Shelly, why aren't you at the lake with everybody else?

Shelly: Oh, they said they were going skinny-dipping. I'm not skinny enough.

Chris: [to Jason] No! You *can't* be alive!

Mrs. Sanchez: Yes?

Chris: Hi, Mrs. Sanchez. I'm Chris. We've come to pick up Vera.

Mrs. Sanchez: She is not going!

[arguing is heard from inside the house]

Chris: What are they saying?

Debbie: I don't know. I flunked Spanish.

[Vera comes outside, happily]

Vera: Hi, everybody. What are you looking at?

Chris: This was my bedroom. It's yours for the weekend.

Debbie: Great.

[Chris looks outside the window and sees that the door of the barn is moving]

Debbie: Chris? I don't mean to be picky or anything, but where's the bed?

[Chris is still worried]

Debbie: Chris?

Chris: Oh. It's right here.

[she shows the hammock to Debbie]

Debbie: What's this?

Chris: It's your bed.

Debbie: A hammock?

Chris: You might like it.

[Chris leaves the room]

Debbie: Why not?

[Andy comes in]

Andy: Where's the bed?

[last lines]

Chris: C'mon, you motherfuckers. Just die.

Chris: Excuse me, sir, do you have a payphone?

[Old Man signals to one nearby; Chris tries to use it unsuccessfully]

Chris: Uh, this one's not working. Do you have another phone I could use?

Old Man: Long distance?

Chris: Uh... what isn't long distance from here, right?

Old Man: You cuttin' wise with me, son?

Chris: No, sir, I'm just... I'm running behind and I really need to make a call.

Old Man: Well, that there's my only phone.

Chris: Right. The highway's really jammed up. Do you know of another route heading south?

Old Man: Nope.

Chris: [consults a map on the wall] Hey, why's this Bear Mountain Road dotted like this?

Old Man: Dirt.

Chris: Dirt road?

Old Man: Bet they ain't got around to paving it yet.

Chris: It looks like it runs in the highway about fifteen, twenty miles. Is that right?

Old Man: If you say so.

Chris: Thank you very much. Take care, okay?

[Chris gets in his car and drives off]

Old Man: You're the one who's gonna need to take care.

Jessie: Hey, what's your name?

Chris: Chris Flynn.

Jessie: You hurt, Chris Flynn?

Chris: No, I'm fine.

Jessie: Good.

[throws a bag at Chris]

Jessie: 'Cause you're the mule.

[Scott pretends to fall]

Carly: That is not funny.

Scott: Look's who scared now... Sorry.

Carly: Whatever. Just get me to a motel room, run me a very hot bath and be prepared to provide me with a lot of orgasms.

[Jessie and Chris start laughing]

Chris: I think they need to be alone.

Chris: [pulling over a branch] Can you hold this?

Jessie: Why?

Chris: 'Cause we're gonna knock this fucker outta the tree!

[Jessie opens her eyes after sleeping and sees one of the cannibals coming at her]

Jessie: They're here!

[they both freak out for a second]

Chris: No. No, they're not. You were dreaming.

Jessie: I wish.

Chris: Let's make this quick.

Scott: Actually, maybe we should keep walking.

Carly: What, the next house is gonna have a white picket fence?

Scott: If there is a next house.

Jessie: [Chris opens the screen door of a house] Hey, hey, hey. What're you doing?

Chris: I was gonna see if they had a phone. I mean, you guys can wait out here if you want.

Jessie: You can't just go barging into someone's house like that.

Scott: Yeah, 'cause, you know, I'm just thinking West Virginia, trespassing, not a great combination.

Carly: Look, I need to pee.

Scott: Well, I need to remind you of a little movie called Deliverance.

Dr. Lynn Denlon: What is it you want from me, Chris?

Chris: A divorce.

Chris: Eddie?

Eddie Quist: You know me, but I don't know you. Why is that?

Chris: [points his rifle] I've got silver bullets in here.

Jerry Warren: Silver bullets my ass! Get up, T.C.!

[looking in what was Eddie Quist's morgue locker]

Chris: He's not here!

Morgue Attendant: He was here this morning!

Terry Fisher: [noticing the damage on the inside of the locker door] Look at the door!

Chris: You think somebody took him?

Morgue Attendant: Well, he didn't just get up and walk away!

Chris: You're crazy!

Eddie Quist: Oh, I'm much more than that!

Chris: You believe in this?

Bookstore owner: What am I, an idiot? I'm makin' a buck here. You want books, I got books. I got chicken blood, I got dog embryos, I got black candles, I got wolf-bane. Look at this: Silver bullets. Some joker ordered them. Thirty-ought-six

[caliber]

Bookstore owner: . Never picked 'em up. I take Bank AmeriCard, American Express, Visa. You gonna buy that or what?

Chris: I swear to God, Paul, it's a fucking hazard having you as a brother.

Chris: Nash, you stupid son of a bitch; you've got a big goddamn mouth!

Charlotte: [Changing clothes and standing naked, her butt and the side of her breast are shown] You know, she didn't have a choice

Chris: [Notices Charlotte naked and smiles] Let's just put the knives in your father's back where they belong.

Charlotte: [Putting on a shirt, her right breast and butt are visible] Yeah, that might be more appropriate.

Chris: You know, I can't help wishing you had inherited a little bit of his promiscuity.

Charlotte: [Buttoning up the shirt, still naked from the waist down with her butt visible] Yeah, but look where it got him. I wish I'd seen him at least once before he died.

[Mike and Chris lunge at Martin, thinking he's the killer]

Chris: What the hell are you doing here?

Martin: [Angrily shows them a bunch of condoms] I'm just trying to get laid. Can someone tell me what the fuck's going on here?

Chris: My grand daddy used to say any day above ground is a good day... i used to hate that saying... now i get it

Scott: Well they're not the best housekeepers

Chris: You saw what they did too his arm... well multiply it times your body

Brian: Are you coming?

Chris: Are you fucking kidding me?

Brian: I wasn't talkinng too you

[looks to Scott for help]

Chris: Busy night?

Chris: Are you telling me that those people out there are fucking zombies?

The Bartender: I'm saying that whatever they are, they ain't human.

Chris: Lock the doors!

Natalie: Is this the end of the world?

Chris: Maybe for some... but not for us.

Chris: They've gotta be here somewhere.

Chris: Open the door now, please!

Chris: That he's a weird fuckin' guy doesn't cut it! I've known a lot of weird fuckin' guys that didn't fuckin' go around killing their best fucking friends!

Chris: Women have a way of spoiling happiness.

Sean: [Chris and Sean are about to make a run for the car, when Chris gets second thoughts] This is not the time to be changing things man

Chris: I know, I just think we need a back-up plan is all.

Sean: What do you suggest?

Chris: The Marquee.

Sean: The Marquee?

Chris: Yeah the Marquee, you know the big fucking sign in the parking lot. Its 8 or 9 feet off the ground, we could climb up and be out of reach.

Sean: Well you better pray they can't jump or fly because otherwise we're screwed.

Chris: We're paying it now!

[last lines]

Henry: What do I do?

Chris: You let go. Henry, have great faith. Fall majestically.

Chris: You know you're not afraid of dying. You're just afraid of having no choices. But Henry, there's still one choice you can make. You can choose to let go.

Chris: [smiles] Hey Rand, how was West Palm Beach?

Rand: [Pointing a gun at Tim] Don't worry, they'll dedicate a ward in the psych department to you, you sick fuck.

Tim: This isn't going to work! You can't shoot me, you morons! It has to look like a suicide!

Chris: [Feigns shock] Oh, fuck! He's right!

[Rand and Chris push Tim off the cliff]

Chris: [Chris asks Dr. Ashley about signs that his roomate is suicidal] What about music?

Dr. Ashley: Music... Okay... ummm... Suzanne Vega, The Cure, anything from the '80's.

Chris: [Chris is asking for specific signs that someone may be suicidal] What about movies?

Dr. Ashley: Okay. Any period piece. A Scandanavian film. And anything by a first time writer-director. I hate those. Is this helpful?

[Film cuts to a title card that reads "Written and Directed by Dan Rosen."]

Detective Shipper: You're pretty set on getting into Harvard, aren't you?

Chris: Well, it has crossed my mind. Why? Are you gentleman, alumni?

Detective Amato: That's real fucking funny, idiot!