Bernie Quotes in Free Fire (2016)

[first lines]

Bernie: [honking at the car in the front] Move your fat a**!

Stevo: Shut the f**k up, Bernie! My f**king head is about to explode here.

Bernie: You want me to put a tail on him?

Franck Dotzler: No, it's a waste of time. They always fumble them. These guys could lose a tail if it was attached to a dog. We're done.

[Manny calls Jewel a castrating ball buster]

Manny: Bernie, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't she the castrating ball buster who had the temerity to ask my client if he was honestly worth 40 million?

Jewel Stern: [Jewel turns to Bernie] Am I a ball-buster?

Bernie: Yeah.

Manny: Thank you!

[Jewel points out how Bobby Rayburn looks hurt after his bad collision]

Jewel Stern: Rayburn look like he's moving a little stiff to you?

Bernie: I can't believe Burrows left him in their after that collision.

Jewel Stern: Oh, that's right. That's all we need - Our 40 million dollar man on the DL.

[Manny finally agrees to do the Bobby and Jewel interview]

Manny: You still want that interview?

Jewel Stern: Are you serious? You would let Bobby Rayburn do an interview with a - What was it?

Bernie: [Bernie answers] Castrating ball buster.

Jewel Stern: Castrating ball buster, that's right. I thought I was off your list, man.

Manny: Come on, Schindler has a list, not me. Okay? When you're hitting .183, you don't get a chance to have a list.

Ernie: [pretending to be Lola, put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face] You're a nobody!

Bernie: [pretending to be Oscar, also put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face] No wait! Lola! I'm not a nobody! I'm a weiner!

Bernie: [Ernie just lost at the "Sharkslayer" videogame] You're not doing it right! I told you!

Ernie: I'm doing it!

Bernie: X, circle, X X, double left square, right trigger down, square, square.

Ernie: Oh, double square! Respect!

Bernie: Respect!

Bernie: Ernie, let me ask you a question?

Ernie: Yeah, man?

Bernie: Why is it that we can sting other people, but they have no effect on me or you?

[a tentacle of his brushes and stings Ernie, causing him to fall down screaming and twitching]

Bernie: Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie, I didn't mean it, man... Ernie, Ernie, ohh, Ernie...

[Ernie suddenly gets up laughing]

Bernie: Ernie! You made a joke! Good one, man - respect!

Ernie: Respect! Bloatfire!

[they high-five each other]

Ernie: Hello, Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price...

[Sees Don Lino chasing Oscar]

Ernie: OH MY GOSH!

Bernie: Hey, you got it right.

Ernie: [on the phone] Syke's Whale Wash! You get a whale of a wash and the price... eh... is really, really low, considering how good the wash is.

Sykes: It's "oh my gosh!" "You get a whale of a wash, and the price, oh my gosh!"

Ernie: Got it!

[the phone rings, and Ernie answers it]

Ernie: Whale wash!

Bernie: Rhymes with gosh!

[both laugh]

Sykes: [chasing the brothers off] Get out of here, you two! Go be useless someplace else!

Ernie: Oscar!

Bernie: Did you kill that shark?

Oscar: Yeah, Yeah. Exactly how it looked; that's how it is.

Bernie: If you ever come out west to Hollywood, look me up: Bernie, the agent.

Kermit: Hey, listen, Bernie the Agent, why don't you say "hello" to Arnie the alligator?

Ruby: Most people our age are a pain in the ass.

Bernie: Most people our age are *dead*.

Bernie: You work all your life, you pay taxes, you're a good citizen, and what do you end up with? A tight rug.

Bernie: Here is an eagle who just found out his teenage daughter is pregnant.

[about the pleasing shock of suddenly seeing all of his long-away friends again]

Bernie: For crying out loud!

Bernie: [finding her hiding place] Hey, Maggie.

Maggie Blake: Hey, Bernie.

Bernie: It's good to see you again.

Maggie Blake: The feeling's not mutual, Bernie.

Rocco: [handing Bernie a big automatic rifle] Happy?

Bernie: Very.

Bernie: But she said she wanted to go out with you?

William: Yes - sort of...

Bernie: That's nice.

William: What?

Bernie: Well, you know, anybody saying they want to go out with you is... pretty great... isn't it...?

William: It was sort of sweet actually - I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line - but she said that she might be as famous as can be - but also... that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

[pause]

William: Oh, sod a dog. I've made the wrong decision, haven't I?

Bella: Which way are you going?

Max: Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.

Bella: No, crazy, crazy. Go along Bayswater.

Honey: That's right. Then Park Lane.

Bernie: No, straight down to the Cromwell Road, then left.

Max: [they continue arguing about the best routes to the Ritz, Max finally has enough and screeches to a halt] Stop right there! I will decide the route. All right?

William: Sorry Max.

Honey: Sorry Max.

Max: James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.

Bernie: What's the pay like in movies? I mean. Last movie. How much did you get paid?

Anna Scott: 15 million dollars.

Bernie: I'm sorry I am so late. Bollocksed up at work again, I fear. Millions down the drain.

Outspan Foster: What's that? A Mister Chippy van?

Mickah Wallace, Drums: We can't travel in that shit heap.

Joey: Buddy Holly's last words.

Bernie: What?

Joey: We can't travel in that shit heap.

Outspan Foster: Did Buddy Holly say that?

Joey: Before he flew to meet his destiny on that storm-tossed night.

Outspan Foster: Will crashin' in a chipper van make us famous, huh?

Imelda: He eats like a pig.

Bernie: He's such a prick.

Natalie: Hasn't got the voice of a pig though. Joey says it belongs to God.

Billy: God should ask for it back.

Larry Valentine: [Breaking into Bernie's room to rescue him] Holy Shamo!

Bernie: I'm sorry I can't get out of bed.

Chuck Levine: There's a bed under there?

Larry Valentine: Can you walk at all?

Bernie: I haven't walked in five years!

Chuck Levine: Alright, maybe we strap a rocketship on this guy we'll get him outta here.

Larry Valentine: No, no, we can do this, People lift cars, it's adrenaline, you know.

Chuck Levine: Cars? This guy is more like a freaking minivan.

Larry Valentine: Hey, buddy we're gonna help you outta here, come on.

Bernie: How's my mom?

Chuck Levine: [referring to Bernie's obesity] If she survived the birthing process, nothing's gonna take her down.

Chuck Levine: Let me chop him off, we'll take him down in pieces.

Bernie: What?

Chuck Levine: I'm kidding.

Larry Valentine: Just grab the back of our coats.

Chuck Levine: Hey, did you start this fire by lighting one of your farts?

Bernie: [chuckles] That's funny.

Bernie: I'm running momma, I'm running like the wind.

[They roll down the stairs and Bernie lands his butt on top of Chuck's face]

Larry Valentine: Chuck, you alright?

[Chuck gives Larry a thumbs up but Bernie farts and he pulls his thumb down]

Larry Valentine: [laughs] Oh my god, oh sweet Lord, broccoli!

Debbie: [at dinner with Joan and Bernie] Wow, this looks great. You guys really went all out.

Joan: Thank you!

Bernie: Well... uh, it's a very special evening.

Debbie: Are you pregnant?

Bernie: What- what? Hell no; don't you say no shit like that.

Bernie: I wanna talk to you, man. All that stuff that I was sayin' to you about her potentially being Alison? I didn't mean it, man. I'm seeing a difference in you. I feel like it's because of her. I'm kind of like, jealous, a little bit? I'm really happy for you, Danny.

Danny: Really?

Bernie: Fuck no! This is stupid.

Bernie: Yo, you are sick. You're gone, Joan. If you didn't have a pussy, there would be a bounty out on your head!

Joan: You are a psychopathic social misfit who's clearly in the middle of a deep homosexual panic.

Bernie: Oh, if I'm gay, it's only because after fucking you for three months, that seemed like the next logical step to take! I would rather chase another man's ass than fuck you again, Joan!

Joan: Hey, get on top.

Bernie: I'm not getting on top. You gotta get on top.

Joan: I got on top the last time.

Bernie: Rock, paper, scissors, loser get on top.

Joan: Okay

Bernie: All right, on three... That's a tie so we gotta go from the side.

Bernie: Hey! Look at me! Get the bag! Listen to me! The food is vile, you hear me? The bitch cannot cook. Whatever you do you do not swallow the fucking food! What you gonna do is this: You gonna wait 'til she's not looking, spit it in the bag. Get low. Put it in the fucking bag. And if you do that throw that shit in the trash, do it fast 'cause the food eat through the bag, and she'll smell it. Alright? You're not listening to me, you don't give a shit about what I'm saying. OK, I gotta die for it, don't mean you have to. You on your own, I tried to tell you.

Bernie: You sold a guy a rock in a box for $20.

Bernie: Was that the chick from last night?

Danny: Yeah, I picked up the phone and she was already on the line.

Bernie: Yeah, right. Pull this leg and it plays jingle bells.

Bernie: I'm gonna let you guys do what you guys gotta do. Don't worry about me, I'm just gonna go home, make a little macaroni and cheese, seal the windows, and turn on the gas.

Bernie: You know something Joan, if you didn't have a pussy there'd be a bounty on your head.

Joan: And you are a schizophrenic, psychopathic, maladjusted social misfit who is clearly in the middle of a very deep homosexual panic.

Bernie: So you want to dance or what?

Bernie: I stole it

Danny: You did not.

Bernie: Oh, that's great, Dan. I tell you I'm a thief and you call me a liar.

Bernie: [Danny tells Bernie that he told Debbie he loves her] Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!

[pauses]

Bernie: Who said it first?

Danny: I did.

Bernie: Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!

[pauses]

Bernie: Was it before you came, or after?

Bernie: What do you do?

Joan: Me?

Bernie: Well, yeah for a living?

Joan: I'm a neurosurgeon, you?

Bernie: I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?

Joan: No...

Bernie: I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.

Bernie: You know what your problem is? Your face. Come on, you're too good-looking. Girls go out with you and get nervous. They feel dumpy, they don't want to compete. They want a guy like... like me. A guy who'll make them look good. A basic Neanderthal type. The swarthy type. A man's man.

Bernie: Are you getting serious? Well, she seemed like a hell of a girl. From what little I saw of her. Not too this. Not too that. Very kind of, um, what?... Ah, what the fuck, I only saw her for a minute. First impressions of this kind can often be misleading. Does she give head?

Danny: What?

Bernie: To you, I'm saying. Does she give head to you?

[Silence]

Bernie: Forget it.

Bernie: Interesting broad. Where'd she develop her personality? A car crash?

Bernie: You don't go here. You don't go there. You're about as much fun as a stick.

Mr. Favio: Business is business! You cut the son of a bitch off!

Danny: Oh, fuck you!

Mr. Favio: Fuck me? Fuck you!

Danny: Fuck You!

Mr. Favio: Fuck You, Martin!

Bernie: Ah, Mr Favio?

Bernie: Fuck you!

Bernie: Show us what love is all about... how it rips you apart and then puts you together. It carries you to the heavens and then smashes you to the ground!

Billy: We're a special combat unit looking for some Libyan terrorists. In fact, I think we have them cornered at a bagel shop across the street. Now if we could just get some pants for the colonel.

Bernie: Give me a break.

Billy: Alright, we're four escaped lunatics.

Bernie: This I believe.

Billy: You probably want us out of here as quickly as possible, right?

Bernie: I'm prepared to carry you in my arms.

Bernie: [to Jack in his new clothes] I'm telling you it works. It's a statement, man. You know who you are.

Billy: No he doesn't.

Billy: [referring to Jack] We're looking for something casual for the Son of God.

Bernie: How much does the Supreme Being wanna spend?

Jack: How about a nice Harris tweed with a blue Oxford button-down and maybe a nice Countess Mara tie, eh, sport?

Billy: [to the guys] Look, why don't you guys browse around for a while.

[They just stand there]

Billy: Browse!

Billy: All I'm saying's let's stretch that clothing dollar!

Bernie: How much stretch we talkin' about?

Al Bert: Nuclear core is reading just shy of the red. Nearly to alert.

Rick: Radiation?

Al Bert: Negative. It looks more like natural decay. I'd give her about a month before we all glow in the dark.

Bernie: Don't kind about shit like that. Just show me where the pharmacy is.

Al Bert: What's the matter? Feeling a little bit under the weather there Bernie?

Bernie: What's the matter?

Fran: Rick! Cargo bay.

Al Bert: Seems our fearless leader has some plans for Terracor's long-lost pod.

Bernie: You mean steal it? Steal what's inside?

Al Bert: Yup, leave us here counting R.E.M.s as we glow in the dark.

Bernie: Scum bag. Are you sure?

Charlie: Well, uh, that means everybody I know is.

Bernie: They're dead. They're toast. They're history.

Bernie: In '68, a bunch of us went to cover the Olympics in Grenoble. Decided to go to the best restaurant in town. Now, the menu didn't have any prices, but we were all on expense accounts so we figured, fuck it, got drunk. Well, somehow there ended up being, I don't know, fifteen or sixteen of us at the table, and when the check came - ooooo, it was nine thousand dollars.

Alicia: Whoa.

Bernie: Yeah.

[chuckles]

Bernie: So, now we're all starting to point fingers, we're trying to figure out who invited who. And just when it was starting to get really embarrassing, this funny-lookin' old guy at the next table calls the maitre-d over.

[mimics writing]

Bernie: Ehhhh, he did a couple of squiggly lines on a napkin, signed his name, winked at us - that was it. The old guy was Pablo Picasso, and that napkin paid our bill.

Alicia: Did I miss the segue here, Bernie? What's the point?

Bernie: Well, the people we cover - we move in their world but it is their world. You can't live like them, Alicia. You'll never keep up. Now, if you try and make this job about the money, you'll be nothing but miserable, 'cause we don't get the money - never have, never will."

[Reading in a dictionary]

Bernie: Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done.

Bernie: Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong.

Phil: Aw, Jesus, Bernie. Come on with the smoke. You know the doctor found nicotine in my urine again.

Bernie: Then keep your dick out of my ashtray.

Bernie: You got a cop quote?

Henry: A what?

Bernie: Quote. You know, they talk, you write, we print?

Bernie: You do have a problem, Henry. But it's your problem.

Henry: Thanks, Bernie. You've been a big help.

Bernie: What about something fun? Don't we have anything fun today?

Henry: Nazis marching in New Jersey.

Lou: There you go.

Bernie: Nazis are a barrel of laughs.

Bernie's Doctor: Now don't overreact. If we go after it early, before it metastasizes to a bone, the majority of these prostate cancer cases are beatable.

Bernie: Go after it how?

Bernie's Doctor: Irridation therapy.

Bernie: That's fantastic. That's wonderful, because... as it turns out, that's exactly the portion of my anatomy I'd like to see exposed to radiation.

Bernie's Doctor: You'll have to take an hour or two off work for each treatment. We should start right away. How's next monday?

Bernie: To burn a hole in my ass? Sounds good. Then I still have the weekend.

[pause]

Bernie: Could you possibly be any more humourless about this?

Bernie's Doctor: I don't believe so. No.

Bernie: Where did you get this?

Henry: This? I stole it off Bladden's desk at The Sentinel.

Bernie: Jesus, Henry, I was kidding.

Henry: You know, they called us "cute", and I was right there and they were out of tote bags.

Bernie: If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!".

Bernie: Do you hate me? If you hate me, there's no point.

Deanne White: I don't know you enough to hate you.

Bernie: I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists? I got political columnists, guest columnists... celebrity columnists - The only thing I don't have is a dead columnist. That's the kind I could really use.

Henry: Right. Listen...

Bernie: We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the fuck up.

Bernie: Don't just take a position because it's the opposite of what she says! It's like watching a bunch of sixth graders, for Christ's sake!

Bernie: Features.

Carl: We got Alison's profile of the teenage hit man. We got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who's-banging-who chart and part three in our continuing saga on penile implants.

Henry: Yeah, by the way, could we possibly get another dick drawing? It looks like a map of Florida. I also look like, I think, the 5th at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it? I would play over the water, by the way, as a suggestion.

Bernie: I gotta know if she hates me. If she hates me, there's no point.

Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: Hates you? She's your daughter. What could you do that she would hate you?

Bernie: I kept fucking my reporters and... broke her mother's heart.

Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner: That would do it.

Bernie: Yeah, it would. It did.

Phil: What's with the gunshot?

Henry: McDougal.

Bernie: Is he dead?

Bernie: I know that daughter I tried to set Veal Chop on a date with her.

Veal Chop: I tried to put my tongue in her mouth and she punched me in the penis.

Bernie: Love you, sis.

Maude: Love you too, other sis.

Bernie: Look in your heart! Look in your heart!

Tom Reagan: What heart?

[Tom holds Bernie at gunpoint, and walks him out deeper into the forest]

Bernie: Tommy, you can't do this! You don't bump guys! You're not like those animals back there. It's not right, Tom! They can't make us do this. It's the wrong situation, they can't make us different people than we are. We're not muscle, Tom. I... I... I... never killed anybody. I used a little information for a chisel, that's all. It's my nature, Tom! I... I... I... can't help it, somebody gives me an angle, I play it. I don't deserve to die for that. Do you think I do?

[Tom doesn't answer, he just keeps walking]

Bernie: I'm... I'm... I'm just a grifter, Tom. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm an nobody! But I'll tell you what, I never crossed a friend, Tom. I never killed anybody, I never crossed a friend, nor you, I'll bet. We're not like those animals! This is not us! Th... th... this is some hop dream! It's a dream, Tommy! I'm praying to you! I can't die! I can't die... out here in the woods, like a dumb animal! In the woods, LIKE A DUMB ANIMAL! Like a dumb animal! I can't... I can't... I CAN'T DIE OUT HERE IN THE WOODS!... like a dumb animal. I can't... die!

[Bernie falls to his knees, praying]

Bernie: I'm praying to you! Look in your heart! I'm praying to you! Look in your heart! I'm praying to you! Look in your heart! I'm praying to you! Look in your heart...

[Tom slowly aims his gun at Bernie]

Bernie: I'm praying to you! Look in your heart. I'm praying to you... look in your heart... look in your heart! You can't kill me... look in your heart.

Tom Reagan: So what's the deal, you get to live and Verna has to be Leo's girl?

Bernie: I have nothing to do with that, she'll sleep with anyone Tom, you know that! She even tried to teach me a thing or two about bed antics once. Some crackpot idea about saving me from my friends. She's a sick twist all right.

Tom Reagan: She speaks highly of you.

Bernie: Yeah, well, you stick by your family.

Tom Reagan: [on finding someone sitting in the dark in his apartment] Hello Bernie.

Bernie: Hello Tom. What's the rumpus? How'd you know it was me?

Tom Reagan: You're the only one I know who'd knock and then break in.

Bernie: Your other friends wouldn't break in, huh?

Tom Reagan: My other friends want to kill me so they wouldn't've knocked.

Bernie: Don't smart me! See I wanna watch you squirm; I wanna see you sweat a little, and when you smart me... it ruins it.

[Natalie sees herself in the rear-view mirror]

Natalie: Oh my God.

Bernie: Hey. You look in the mirror, you don't like what you see, don't believe it. Look in my eyes, I am the only mirror you're ever gonna need. You look in my eyes, Natalie.

Bernie: Better luck next time.

Bernie: I always knew dirty phone calls would eventually lead to actual sex, and tonight's the night!

Bernie: I already told him I had no part of this operation.

Dean Corso: Except ten percent.

Bernie: Twenty percent. The Swiss was my client.

Dean Corso: [shakes his head] No deal.

Bernie: Fifteen. For my children's sake.

Dean Corso: You don't have any children.

Bernie: I'm still young. Give me time.

Dean Corso: [expels a lungful of smoke, unmoved] Ten.

Bernie: He's not right for this. It's too much for a kid to handle. He's fifteen. He has pimples. I'm not even sure his voice has broken. He probably thinks the impressionists are a heavy metal band. He's talented, but he's a risk. We need to find someone else to do the Winslow Homer and get Dauphine his money, now.

Bernie: Hey, did you hook me up?

Max Kendall: Yeah, I hooked you up.

Jay Austin: Where'd you go?

Max Kendall: You guys better come to the window if you wanna see the big show.

Jay Austin: What? What did you do?

Max Kendall: I left Bernie with a little parting gift.

Jay Austin: What's that?"

Max Kendall: I hooked his brake peddle to his horn.

Bernie: Man you are the king of cheese!

Jay Austin: What does that mean?

Vince: You just made $3000 on that car.

Jay Austin: That's why the sign says Jay Austin motors not Vince Burkley motors.

Vince: Nah, you really think he's gonna stiff a minister?

Bernie: 20 bucks says he will.

Bernie: I'd like to think of myself as hard working man trapped in a lazy man's body.

Vince: I've always thought of myself as a tan body builder stuck in a white chubby man's body.

Jay Austin: Sam anything we should know about you?

Sam: I'm just a black man in a black man's body, working with a bunch of strange white boys.

Bernie: [to Vince] You fat, lazy, last-chip-eating punk.

Jay Austin: You grossly manipulated her!

Bernie: You taught me how. I don't know what kind of game this is, but you've got different rules for yourself.

Jay Austin: You shouldn't have done that, Bernie.

Bernie: Shouldn't have done what?

Jay Austin: Somebody's going to figure out she got overcharged $4 000 on this deal and make an issue out of it.

Bernie: What?

Jay Austin: Would you not want to kick the guy in the teeth who overcharged your wife several thousand on a car?

Bernie: She's not married.

Jay Austin: That's not the point! She's got a boyfriend, her parents or friends who are going to figure out she got sloshed on this deal.

Bernie: Whoa, who you're talking to? I just made a week's profit, and I'm getting slammed for it?

Jay Austin: Bernie, it's not the profit. It's the way you got it.

Bernie: Since when did you become a boy scout?

Jay Austin: You don't think you did anything wrong?

Bernie: Oh, so when Jay Austin pulls in a few thousand dollars it's good business. But when Bernie Myers does it to help the team out, it's ripping people off?

Jay Austin: You grossly manipulated her!

Bernie: You taught me how! I don't know what kind of game this is, but you've got different rules for yourself!

Bernie: I didn't think you had it in you, Jay.

Jay Austin: What's that?

Bernie: The ability to stiff a minister.

Jay Austin: Excuse me, St. Bernard, but I figure you think I'm interested in making the least amount of money we can.

Bernie: Hey, I'm all for making money. I just thought you'd cut the Reverend a deal.

Jay Austin: And you would have?

Bernie: I'd try to.

Jay Austin: Bull. Vince, would you trust Bernie to sell a car to your mother?

Vince: To my mother?

Jay Austin: To your mother.

Vince: No way.

Bernie: Oh, come on!

Jay Austin: What's worse Bernie - overcharging the Reverend for the Camry, which is a good car, or squeezing that old lady for the Marquis last week?

Bernie: She wasn't that old.

Jay Austin: She was in her 70s!

Bernie: Late 50s.

Vince: Oh please.

Bernie: Maybe early 60s.

Jay Austin: Don't wag your tongue at me over the Camry. You've ripped off more naive ladies than anyone else in Albany, and stop judging me for something you do yourself. That old lady last week was probably an honorable woman. Husband probably served in the military.

Bernie: Or the ministry.

Cynthia: To me, people are people... are people.

Bernie: Oh, I absolutely agree. I mean, without people, there wouldn't be, uh, anybody.

Bernie: I'm thinking that maybe this crap mirror thing is actually a musical.

Ben Luckett: Bernie, why don't you stop being like that. We're doing this for Joe.

Bernie: Joe? Is Joe above the law?

Ben Luckett: Yeah.