Frank Quotes in Free Fire (2016)


Frank Quotes:

  • Justine: Here he is!

    Ord: Thousand apologies. Hate it when people are tardy. It's good to meet you boys.

    [shakes Chris's hand]

    Ord: Thanks for coming out.

    [extends his hand to Frank, who doesn't reciprocate]

    Ord: You didn't masturbate before you got here, did you?

    Frank: What?

    Justine: [laughs nervously]

    Ord: Told you I don't work with anybody who's carrying a loaded weapon.

    Chris: Fuck the small talk. Let's buy some guns, eh?

  • Frank: Long time no see, Dr. Pym. How's retirement?

    Hank Pym: How's your face?

  • Frank: Treat a queen like a whore and a whore like a queen. You can't go wrong.

  • Reese Bobby: Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.

    Frank: [from the house next door] You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!

    Reese Bobby: You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!

    Lucy Bobby: Yeah, shut up, Frank!

    Walker: Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

    Reese Bobby: Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.

  • Sy Spector: Bill said you used to be with the Secret Service.

    Frank: That's right.

    Sy Spector: Ever guard the main man?

    Frank: I was two years with Carter, four with Reagan.

    Sy Spector: Reagan got shot!

    Frank: Not on my shift.

  • Rachel: Well, you don't look like a bodyguard.

    Frank: What'd you expect?

    Rachel: Well, I don't know, maybe a tough guy?

    Frank: This is my disguise.

  • Woman in Green: [approaching Frank] I've been watching you all night from across the room.

    Frank: Why don't you go back there. Keep watching.

  • Frank: [shakes the weathered intercom speaker] Frank Farmer to see Miss Marron.

    Intercom voice: [static hiss] What?

    Frank: Alexander Graham Bell, to see Miss Marron.

    Intercom voice: You got an appointment?

    Frank: Yeah... the atomic number of zinc is thirty.

    Intercom voice: All right.

    [gate opens to let Frank enter]

  • Rachel: Will you grab that jacket for me? The red one, please?

    Frank: I'm here to keep you alive, not help you shop.

  • Rachel: You afraid I might get picked off in my snazzy running suit?

    Frank: No, I'm afraid that I might have to jog with you.

  • Rachel: And you're ready to die for me?

    Frank: It's the job.

    Rachel: And you'd do it? Why?

    Frank: I can't sing.

  • [as Rachel heads towards the waiting paparazzi]

    Frank: Is this really necessary?

    Rachel: Quit bitchin', Farmer, this is the part you *do* get paid for!

  • Rachel: So, can we get you anything?

    Frank: Yeah, orange juice.

    Rachel: Straight?

  • Rachel: What's going on, Frank?

    Frank: I want to keep it straight in my head what job I'm doing.

    Rachel: And what is that exactly? Making me feel like shit?

  • Rachel: You know, Farmer, you're a self-righteous son of a bitch.

    Frank: [chuckles]

    Rachel: And don't you laugh at me! Don't you dare judge me!

    Frank: Oh, give me a break, will ya? I didn't tell you to fuck everybody in the hotel!

  • Fletcher 'Fletch' Marron: You're the new bodyguard aren't you.

    Frank: [Smiles] What do you know about it?

    Fletcher 'Fletch' Marron: I've got ears.

    Frank: Well i'll remember that!

  • Frank: [after Nicki kisses him] You're a lovely woman.

    Nicki Marron: But you don't want me. I'm surprised. Thorough fellow like yourself. Why stop at one sister when you could have fucked them both?

    Frank: I make my mistakes.

    Nicki Marron: But you didn't say no to the boss.

  • Frank: The people who hire me, they don't have to be convinced to save their own lives.

  • Devaney: [In the limo] We'll go straight back to the green room, right Frank? You got that, Tony?

    Frank: Tony knows what he is doing.

    Rachel: You know, I wish you guys would relax a little bit. Nothing bad's gonna happen out there. Alright?

    [Sits back]

    Rachel: Unless I lose the fuckin' award.

    [She laughs and Sy gives her a glare]

    Rachel: Jesus, what a group!

    [Puts on lipstick]

    Rachel: Screw it. I'm tired of worrying about it. When your time is up? It's up.Right, Frank?

  • Frank: You're too old to be this naive !

  • Fletcher 'Fletch' Marron: She's real mad at you, isn't she?

    Fletcher 'Fletch' Marron: She told me she does not understand why you're being so shitty to her.

    Frank: I don't like it when you use language like that Fletcher.

    Frank: I spent a lot of time learning not to react to things like other people do; it's my job... It doesn't always work... Doesn't always work.

    Fletcher 'Fletch' Marron: I don't think I understand.

    Frank: I am an old man compared to you pal, and I don't understand either... I'm starting to get the feeling that I will never will.

  • Frank: Aw, Christ, I told you why! I - I can't protect you like this.

    Rachel: So that's it for me? That's it?

    Frank: Yeah.

    Rachel: Well, I don't believe it!

    Frank: Well, you can live with it, or you can fire me.

    Rachel: But I can't fuck you.

  • Frank: I don't want to talk about this again.

  • Fletcher 'Fletch' Marron: What are you afraid of?

    Frank: I'm af - I'm afraid of not being there.

  • Frank: [when asked how he uncovered the identity of the assassin] They don't wash cars on the parking levels.

  • Frank: This house is wide open.

    Sy Spector: Excuse me?

    Frank: I said this house is wide open and you people have no clue what real security is or what it takes to achieve it.

  • Rachel: And I want to be able to eat brunch with my friends.

    Frank: So go on Tuesdays.

    Sy Spector: Tuesday morning brunch? Where'd you get this guy, Bill?

  • Frank: It's Portman, the guy from Miami!

    Tony: Right, pencil neck?

  • Frank: [Pressing Kingman to the concrete, after firing gun] Stay down. Just stay down.

  • Frank: This is the night.

  • Frank: [Mogadorians enter] OK so i called you like you said. I mean it's not my fault they got. I mean we held up our end. We're still in? The whole new world order thing?

    Mogadorian Commander: [laughing] The Locator. Where is it?

    Frank: Ok, all he had was a knife and that rock and i put it

    [points, realizes that it's not there]

    Frank: It was over there man

    Mogadorian Commander: It was over there man. But it's not there now

    Mogadorian: [In Mogadorian] I picked up a scent

    Mogadorian Commander: [Inhales, In Mogadorian] Number Four is very close.

    [In English, laughing, pulls up stool closer to Frank and Bret with Comic Book in hand]

    Mogadorian Commander: Cartoons for Children. Where I'm from men have to work

    Frank: Look, I'll work hard

    Mogadorian Commander: The disregard that so many of you have for practical matters it's beautiful


    Mogadorian Commander: I think we should have some fun Huh? Gadgets we call them "toys for boys" I have a gadget

    [Holds up small round ball, presses on it, spikes come up and spin rapidly]

    Mogadorian Commander: Would you like to play with it?

    Frank: Uh no, no I

    [Starts to rise]

    Mogadorian Commander: [Mog holds him down and forces Frank's mouth open] IT WANTS TO PLAY WITH YOU

    [Drops ball in Frank's mouth. Frank Groans]

  • Frank: [his last words] You want... every... single second.

  • Frank: [as Tonto and John are running down on top of a moving train, they run into Frank at gunpoint] Going somewhere?

    Tonto: Yes.

    John Reid: [with chained hands in the air & connected to Tonto] No.

    Tonto: Yes.

    John Reid: No.

    Tonto: Yes.

    John Reid: No.

    Frank: [shouting] Shut up!

    Tonto: [after a pause, Tonto see a mail hook approaching] Yes.

    [the mail hook snags John's chains and hauls him and Tonto off]

  • Frank: They're gonna violate me with a duck foot.

  • Frank: It was a ranger, Butch. A lone ranger.

  • Frank: I love me some aquamarine.

  • Frank: [dressed as a woman] This ain't what it looks like, mister. I just like them pretty things.

  • [discussing the experiment of turning Sebastian invisible]

    Janice: If it is a snuff film, I got dibs on his Porsche.

    Frank: Janice, how can you say that?

    Janice: Sorry.

    Frank: The Porsche is mine.

  • Janice: What was the clientele like?

    Frank: This guy comes up to me and he says: "l like my women like my coffee."

    Janice: People still use that line?

    Frank: Maybe he meant cold and bitter.

    Janice: Very funny.

  • Frank: [over intercom] This is God. You are disturbing the natural order of things, and will be severely punished for all eternity. God has spoken.

    Sebastian: How many times I have to tell you, Frank? You're not God. *I* am.

  • Oscar Galvin: I am not going to jeopardize any more property or personnel just because some engineer wants to play *hero*! Now you stop your pursuit or I will fire you!

    Frank: [chuckles] Fire... You already did.

    Oscar Galvin: Already did what?

    Frank: You've already fired me. I received my 90 day notice in the mail... 72 days ago.

  • Frank: Mr. Galvin, with all due respect, I've been railroading twenty-eight years. I'm telling you, we got a real chance to stop this thing.

    Oscar Galvin: No, we already tried.

    Frank: That was from the front. We're long hood lead back. It's a different situation. We got more control now.

    Oscar Galvin: What if I cancel the derailer and you fail, Frank? Huh? That train will be doing seventy miles an hour into that elevated S-curve in Stanton. The damage will be a hundred times worse.

    Frank: Right. I'm just telling you, the portable derailer is worthless. You got too much train traveling entirely too fast.

  • Frank: [proposing 1206 chase down 777] There's a good chance the derailer won't work.

    Will: It's called a derailer, for Christ's sake! That's what they do!

    Frank: A train that size going that fast, it will vaporize anything that gets in its way.

  • Connie: [walking up to Frank and Will] Sir, I was wondering if you could help me?

    Frank: Connie?

    Connie: I can't decide which I one of you I'm going to kiss first.

    Frank: ME!

    [all three of them laugh happily]

    Will: Problem solved, go get them Connie.

    Connie: All right, bring it on

    [kisses Frank on the cheek]

    Connie: [Will kisses his wife Darcy]

  • Frank: This ain't training. In training they just give you an F. Out here you get killed.

  • Will: You want to go and kill yourself, you do it alone.

    Frank: Ask your wife what she thinks.

    Will: Wait!

    [Frank stops before reentering the cab]

    Will: If you're right and that derailer fails what are the odds it makes it to Stanton?

    Frank: You saw the train, what do you think?

    [Gets back into 1206]

    Will: [Thinks for a moment, eventually climbs back aboard 1206 as it starts chasing after 777]

  • Frank: [Will gives a worried look to Frank] Hey, don't get sentimental on me. Makes me think I'm gonna die.

  • Frank: Married?

    Will: Yeah. Well, sort of. It's a long story.

    Frank: We got a long day.

    Will: How about you, you married?

    Frank: Short story. Once.

  • Connie: How's Will?

    Frank: He's, ah... He's different. Over.

  • Frank: So, what was the long story you didn't want to make long?

    Will: I come home from work two weeks ago, and she's, uh... she's texting on the phone. I ask her who it is, she says "Nobody." So I said "Let me see the phone." She says no. This goes on, I dunno, five or six times.

    Frank: Wait, wait. You're losing me. She's texting...

    Will: There's this guy we both went to school with. He's a cop, he's a PA state trooper. And he's always had a thing for Darcy. Going way back.

    Connie: [calling over the radio] 1206, where are you?

    Frank: 1206 here, Connie. We're just passing milepost 57.

    Connie: You're about a mile and a half behind.

    Frank: How far out of Arklow is 777?

    Connie: Seven and a half miles. It picked up speed. You better step on it.

    Frank: I'm stepping on it, in it, around it, and through it, Connie. Thank you. Over.

    Will: She's texting on the phone, I keep on asking for it, she keeps on saying no. And, um... she starts to walk away, and I grab for it.

    Frank: You hit her?

    Will: No, no, no. I mean, I scared her, but I didn't- I didn't hit her. Anyway, I drive to this guy's house and tell him we need to talk, let's take a ride. He jumps in my truck, and starts in with "You've got it all wrong, we're just friends." And then he stops once he sees... the gun I got on the dash.

    Frank: Oh!

    Will: I look him in the eye and I say "She's my wife. You find a new friend."

    Frank: You pulled a gun on a cop?

    Connie: [calling on the radio again] Frank? Frank, 777 just passed milepost 61.

    Frank: Thank you, Connie.

    Will: But you wanna hear the kicker?

    Frank: Yes, I do.

    Will: It wasn't even him that was texting her. It was my sister-in-law.

  • Will: What'd you mean about being married once?

    Frank: Alice, my wife, she died of cancer. Four years ago.

    Will: I'm sorry.

    Frank: Me too. Me too. Every night, I'd come home from work, tell her about my day. Where I'd been, what I hauled.

    [Frank turns to Will, smirking]

    Frank: Who annoyed me.

    Will: [smiling] Guess I would have made the evening report, huh?

    [Frank and Will share a laugh]

    Frank: [laughing] Yes, you would have made it, definitely.

  • Oscar Galvin: God damn it! You listen to me, you son of a bitch! You will be fired!

    Frank: You're breaking up... sorry... you're... this garbage is

    [pretends that the signal over the radio has become weak]

    Connie: Sir, I think they're gone.

  • Frank: [to Will] I only got one rule. One rule only: you're gonna do something, you do it right. You don't know how to do it, you ask me, all right? Likewise, if you need anything from me, you'd better speak up. 'Cause, uh, you're the conductor. Once we get our freight, it's your train. I'm just the guy driving it.

  • Frank: [to Will] You are a funny guy. Well-trained, but funny.

  • Will: What's the fastest you've taken a single engine like this?

    Frank: Unattached?

    Will: Yeah.

    Frank: 50, 55. Of course, I was going forward.

  • Frank: [10:05] I have a wife and kids in Detroit. I haven't seen them in 6 months. Steel mills were laying people off left and right. They finally went under. We gave the steel companies a break when they needed it. Know what they gave themselves? Raises. The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules. They close one more factory we should take a sledgehammer to one of their fancy fuckin foreign cars.

    Nada: You know. You ought to have a little more patience with life.

    Frank: Yeah, well I'm all out!

    Frank: The whole deal is like some kind of crazy game. They put you at the starting line. And the name of the game is make it through life. Only, everyone's out for themselves and looking to do you in at the same time. OK, man here we are. You do what you can, but remember, I'm going to do my best to blow your ass away. So how are you going to make it?

    Nada: I deliver a hard day's work for my money I just want the chance. It'll come. I believe in America. I follow the rules. Everybody's got their own hard times these days.

  • Frank: I've walked a white line my entire life, I'm not about to screw that up.

    Nada: White line's in the middle of the road, that's the worst place to drive.

  • Nada: I'm giving you a choice: either put on these glasses or start eatin' that trash can.

    Frank: Not this year!

  • Frank: What do these things want?

    Gilbert: They're free-enterprisers. The earth is just another developing planet. Their third world.

  • Frank: Listen, man, I don't like anyone following me if I don't know why they are.

    Nada: Well, I don't join up with anyone, unless I know where they're going.

  • [Nada and Frank are fighting, and Nada, trying to get up, tries to grab Frank's testicles]

    Frank: You dirty motherfucker!

  • Drifter: What's wrong with having it good for a change? Now they're gonna let us have it good if we just help 'em. They're gonna leave us alone, let us make some money. You can have a little taste of that good life too. Now, I know you want it. Hell, everybody does.

    Frank: You'd do it to your own kind.

    Drifter: What's the threat? We all sell out every day, might as well be on the winning team.

  • Nada: A long time ago things were different man. My old daddy took me down to the river, kicked my ass, told me about the power and the glory. I was saved. He changed when I was little. Turned mean and started tearin' at me. So I ran away when I was thirteen. He tried to cut me once. Big old razor blade. Held it up against my throat. I said "Daddy please"... Just kept moving' back and forth... like he was sawin' down a little tree...

    Frank: Maybe they're always been with us... those things out there. Maybe they love it... seeing us hate each other, watching us kill each other off, feeding on our own cold fuckin' hearts...

    Nada: I got news for 'hem... There's gonna be hell to pay. 'Cause I ain't daddy's little boy no more.

  • Frank: The steel mills were laying people off left and right. They finally went under. We gave the steel companies a break when they needed it. You know what they gave themselves? Raises.

  • Frank: We can't be the only ones who can see, we've got to find the people who made these.

    Nada: Yeah, if any of them are still alive.

  • Frank: So how you gonna make it?

    Nada: I deliver a hard day's work for my money. I just want the chance. It'll come. I believe in America. I follow the rules. Everybody's got their own hard times these days.

  • Frank: [picks up Nada] Man, I told you, I don't want to be in-VOLVED!

    [punches Nada back to the ground]

  • Frank: Leave it alone.

  • Kirsten: Mommy, Santa smells funny.

    Jimmy Conlon: Do you think mommy wants to sit on Santa's other knee?

    Frank's Wife: I think Mommy's a little too big.

    Jimmy Conlon: Oh, Santa can make lots of room here.

    [patting his knee]

    Frank: That's my wife, Jimmy.

    Jimmy Conlon: Frank, it's Christmas.

    [leaning toward Rose]

    Jimmy Conlon: Give me a call if you wanna break the Irish curse. I'm skinny, but I'm long.

  • Frank: What are you doing kissing this guy?

    Sarah: I didn't wanna kill him.

    Frank: What kind of stupid logic is that?

  • Frank: Look, I'm retired, okay? I'm happy. We're happy.

    Marvin: Frank... Frank, you haven't killed anybody in months!

    Frank: That is not a bad thing. Okay? That's a positive thing for a lot of people.

  • Sarah: Why does Han hate you so much?

    Frank: Not enough hugs as a child.

  • Frank: Marvin, is that a stick of dynamite in your pocket?

    Marvin: Yeah, but I'm saving it for an emergency.

    Frank: Well, this is kind of an emergency, isn't it?

  • Marvin: She has talents you and I will never have.

    Frank: What talents?

    Marvin: People like her.

    Han Cho Bai: If she lives, this'll be good for your relationship. You're right.

    Marvin: And if there's one thing I know, it's women and covert ops.

    Frank: That's two things.

    Han Cho Bai: No, grasshopper. It is not.

  • Han Cho Bai: You blew up my plane!

    Sarah: Sorry.

    Marvin: I was wrong? So we're not even gonna *die*?

    Frank: Not yet.

    Han Cho Bai: I was actually starting to like you. I was even thinking about not killing you. This is what happens when you try to save the world.

    Victoria: Han, Han. You can't put a price on these things.

    Han Cho Bai: You owe me 30 mil for the plane, and 20 for not killing you! You're a dead man, Moses.

    Frank: Thanks for your help. Really.

    [starts walking away]

    Sarah: You think he means it?

    Frank: Nah, he's a nice guy.

    Han Cho Bai: I mean it, Frank!

    Frank: Alright...

    Victoria: [to Marvin] They're gonna be right as rain.

    Marvin: [whispering] He made the run to emotional safety.

  • Frank: What are we doing?

    Sarah: Let's face it, Columbo, Things were getting a little stale.

    Marvin: Wow. Mommy just slapped Daddy at the dinner table!

  • Frank: Eleven million people are gonna lose their lives if you don't help me.

    [tosses him the gun]

    Han Cho Bai: [reluctantly tosses it back] Alright, let's go. This doesn't mean I'm not going to kill you later.

  • [last lines]

    Sarah: [shooting up a third-world bar]

    Marvin: [wearing a fruit headpiece] Don't look at me, she's your girlfriend.

    Frank: Ah, come on...

  • Sarah: I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to kill him!

    Frank: So you chose to kiss him?

  • [first lines]

    Frank: Baby, check this out. Ha, a power washer? We need one of these.

    Sarah: Yeah.

    Frank: On the patio in the back yard.

    Sarah: Yeah.

    Frank: Should we go look at those window treatments?

    Sarah: No.

    Frank: Do you want one of those hotdogs? They're very good.

    Sarah: Baby, you are a heck of a homemaker. You know that? But we could just go to dinner. Er...

    Frank: Well, you know. If you don't make it...

    Sarah: You don't eat it.

    Frank: You know what? That's a great idea. What if I make you dinner? I'm gonna get that grill. The big shiny one. Will you get us some shrimp? The big jumbo kind. Four down, three over. Come back and find me down here. In "tools".

  • Frank: You gave her a gun?

    Marvin: It is America, Frank.

    Sarah: Everyone else has a gun.

    Frank: She has no idea what to do with this.

    Sarah: I know exactly what to do with it!

    [grabs gun back and accidentally fires]

    Frank: You don't give fire to a kitten! Why don't you just give her dynamite, Marvin.

    [walks away]

    Sarah: No external safety on the Sig?

    Marvin: [stunned] No.

  • Frank: [eulogy] Marvin was... different. He was... a very good shot. Some would say that he was paranoid. But you have to expect a little of that when the CIA's dosing you with LSD for a little more than a decade.

  • The Frog: [after Sarah seduced and kissed The Frog to help her] You, I'll help.

    Sarah: [Looks at Katja after getting the key] And you can suck it!

    Frank: Baby? Honey?

    Sarah: Seriously? You hooked up with that?

    The Frog: What a woman!

  • Sarah: [Slaps Frank repeatedly so he could come to] He's out.

    Marvin: He might be awake.

    Sarah: Oh, good. So he can feel it. Did you ever, ever in your entire CAREER let yourself get drugged? You still like her! And now she has the key!

    Marvin: She doesn't have the key. She has a key.

    Sarah: What?

    Marvin: I knew she would play him like a banjo at an Ozark hoedown, so I have the key.

    Frank: [Mutters after getting slapped one more time] Water.

  • Frank: What is it you wanted to talk to me about?

    Katja: Russia wants complete access. You agree now or I will hand you to the U.S. government.

    Sarah: [Looks at Marvin and whispers] Can't we just kill her?

  • Han Cho Bai: You blew up my plane.

    Sarah: Sorry.

    Han Cho Bai: I was actually starting to like you. I was even thinking about not killing you. This is what happens when you try to save the world.

    Victoria: Han. Han, you can't put a price on these things.

    Frank: You owe me 30 mil for the plane and 20 for not killing you. You're a dead man, Moses.

    Frank: Thanks for your help, really.

    Sarah: You think he means it?

    Frank: Nah, he's a nice guy.

    Han Cho Bai: I mean it, Frank!

    Frank: All right.

  • Frank: We didn't come to Paris on vacation.

    Sarah: Oh. Shopping's what I thought you did in Paris with your boyfriend's money while you're waiting for him to wake up from being taken down by his skanky, slutty, Russian biatch ex-girlfriend. So thanks, thanks. Thanks for the compliment for the fur. For telling me that I look nice in my dress. It makes me feel really good, and it makes me feel very loving towards you also.

    Frank: Why is she doing this to me?

  • [Frank's last words]

    Frank: I'm out of here...

  • Frank: We mostly talk muzzle velocities. Guns.

  • Frank: Hey, partner, what you got there?

    Oyster Boy: Oh, these? These are polluted oysters. Well, they WERE polluted. I replanted them in six weeks ago. That's how long the state says you gotta do it for. And every time the tide came in, it flushed all the bad stuff out.

    Frank: Can you eat 'em?

    Oyster Boy: Well, if my hypotenuse is correct...


    Oyster Boy: sure. Y-y-yeah, definitely.

  • Shane: Don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?

    Frank: I think about you all the time.

    Shane: Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?

    Frank: Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!

  • [last lines]

    Frank: [farts]

    Shane: Dad!

    Frank: Was that you?

    Shane: Uh-uh.

    Frank: Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?

  • Frank: [after almost dying, but returning to life; to Shane] Your momma says "hi".

  • Bob: Hey muscles! You don't look so good.

    Frank: I feel a little fluey.

    Bob: You know what they say; starve a cold, drown the flu. Your body needs fluids now, lots of 'em.

    Frank: Is beer fluid?

    Bob: Of course it's fluid. What about all that wet stuff in it?

    Frank: I thought that was the beer.

  • Frank: 99 kinds of wings! 128 different dipping sauces! You love math, crunch the numbers on that - and tell me the possibilities aren't INFINITE!

  • Frank: Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow. Your mother - God bless her soul - didn't believe the old-fashioned ideas about nursing and breast-feeding and all that. Uh-uh. You were fed cheeseburgers as a baby, and look at you. You're as big as a house, you're as strong as a bull, you smell like a cow. Your cholesterol's probably a little high, but they have medicince for that now; you can get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out.

  • Bob: Listen. Why don't you sit her down and tell her that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her. Okay? I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her, and then when she's sixteen, I'll boot her out the door.

    Frank: Sixteen?

    Bob: Well, yeah. I not going to mommy her forever, okay? I mean, sixteen, sure.

  • [repeated line]

    Frank: You owe it to your family. You owe it to yourself.

  • Jake: A midget.

    Frank: Little people, please. I have a cousin.

  • Remy: [from trailer] Take me out of the system.

    Frank: Give me your fucking heart!

  • [At a diner, Frank and Elmo, members of the Black Widows, have bought a beer for Lynn, to which Philo "cheers" to them. Frank and Elmo walk towards Philo, Lynn, and Orville]

    Philo Beddoe: That's mighty nice of you.

    Elmo: [shows Philo his Widow tattoo] You see that?

    Philo Beddoe: An arm?

    Elmo: No, that!

    Philo Beddoe: A tattoo?

    Elmo: He don't know what this means.

    Frank: [shows Orville his Widow tattoo] Do you see that?

    Orville Boggs: [sneezes] Ah-choo! Oh, sorry.

    Philo Beddoe: Two tattoos.

    Elmo: Them's Black Widows.

    Frank: Did you know that more people die from black widows than rattlers every year?

    Orville Boggs: Is that right?

    Frank: Yeah, that's right.

    Orville Boggs: Well, listen, I sure do appreciate knowing that because most of the people I know just - puh - step on them and squish them

    Frank: I don't need this cheap shit.

    Philo Beddoe: Orville, that's no way to thank you two guys just bought us a beer. Why don't you get the check and I'll go outside and thank them properly

    Elmo: Oh, okay.

  • Waitress: [to Elmo after the Widows question her about Philo's whereabouts] You want to talk, take a walk. You want to eat, take a seat.

    [diner erupts into laughter]

    Frank: [to fat man at counter] What're you laughing at, lard ass?

    Fat Man: [fuming] I tell you what. You turn around and walk out that door, and I'll forget what you said.

    [looks up at Frank, grinning]

    Fat Man: And I won't tell everybody you drink horse piss!

    [waitress and patrons giggle]

    Frank: Elmo, Cholla, did you hear what he just said?

    Cholla: [fiercely] I heard it.

    Waitress: [taking fat man's plate] I'll just keep this warm for you, Lester.

    Frank: Okay bigmouth, let's go.

    Waitress: [to fat man] You want me to keep a piece of that lemon merangue?

    Fat Man: Yeah, this won't take but a minute.

    [to Frank]

    Fat Man: Let's go, cutes!

    [all exit to watch the fight]

  • [Biker's Theme sax intro; Elmo enters the Widow compound]

    Cholla: You're late, pretty boy. I don't believe this.

    Frank: Damn, I've never knowed nobody who hit so hard or so fast.

    Elmo: Yeah. He could've been Denver Tank Murdock.

    Frank: That's right.

    Cholla: Sound like him?

    Dallas: Don't know. Didn't get to see him so close as Elmo.

    [Dallas and Woody laugh]

    Elmo: At least I didn't drop my bike and run.

    Frank: Yeah, like you two, goofy suckers!

    Cholla: [screams] Shut up!

    [the four quiets down]

    Cholla: Now is it bad enough that you let somebody else kick your butts without you trying to do it to each other? Now if we're all talking about the same man, and I think we are... it appears he's got a rather growing collection of our bikes.

    Frank: Yeah, but we don't know for sure if he took them or not. We were...

    Woody: Unconcious for two hours!

    [Dallas and Woody laughs again]

    Elmo: [yells] That's not true!

    Cholla: [screams] SHUT UP!

    [Cholla hits Elmo in the groin with his cane]

    Cholla: The very first thing we do is find out who we're talking about. I mean, we don't even know where to find him.

    Elmo: How are we gonna find him?

    Cholla: Well, it appears to me that there can't be too many guys driving around this valley with an ape.

  • Frank: Hey, don't worry, I'm nobody's lunch.

  • Frank: I have run out of time. I have lost it all. So I can't work fast enough to catch up. I can't run fast enough to catch up. And the only thing that catches me up is doing my magic act.

  • Frank: What are you doing in your life that is so terrific?

  • Joe Gags: Look, uh, these people wanna meet you.

    Frank: What?

    Gags: They're stand-up guys

    Frank: If I wanna meet people, I'll go to a fuckin' country club.

  • Frank: Look, in what I do there are sometimes pressures. What the hell do you think that I do? Come on. Come on, every morning I walk in for five months, say hi - what the hell do you think that I do?

    Jessie: You sell little fucking cars, that's what you do.

    Frank: I wear $150 slacks, I wear silk shirts, I wear $800 suits, I wear a gold watch, I wear a perfect, D-flawless three carat ring. I change cars like other guys change their fucking shoes. I'm a thief. I've been in prison, all right?

    Jessie: So what, I don't care.

    Frank: So what?

    Jessie: Don't tell me.

    Frank: So what? I never even told my wife that...

    Jessie: I don't care.

    Frank: Who is now gone. Did I ever come on to you?

    Jessie: No.

    Frank: Well you see.

    Jessie: See? See what?

    Frank: See, I - I am a straight arrow. I am a true blue kind of a guy. I've been cool. I am now unmarried. So let's cut the mini-moves and the bullshit, and get on with this big romance.

    Jessie: ...What? I don't believe it. Do you think that I've been waiting for you to come along? What is this shit.

    Frank: You think I'm kidding, I can tell. This is strictly on the up and up.

    Jessie: Jesus Christ.

  • Frank: You are making big profits from my work, my risk, my sweat. But that is okay, because I elected to make that deal. But now, the deal is over. I want my end, and I am out.

    Leo: Why don't you join a labor union?

    Frank: I am wearing it.

    Mitch: Frank, don't.

    Attaglia: Do it slick.

    Frank: My money in 24 hours, or you will wear your ass for a hat.

  • Frank: You're marking time is what you are. You're backing off. You're hiding out. You're waiting for a bus that you hope never comes because you dont wanna get on it anyway because you don't wanna go anywhere. Ok?

  • Frank: I am the last guy in the world that you wanna fuck with.

  • Frank: Did it ever occur to you, to try to work for a living? Take down your own scores?

    Unnamed Detective: OK, fuck this guy.

    Urrizi: I'll tell you something, I'm gonna be on your ass so much, you're gonna get careless. And on that day I'm gonna be in that place.

    Frank: And that, is the last place that you wanna be. 'Cause no matter what happens, I will never, ever take a pinch from a greasy motherfucker like you.

  • Frank: You talking to me or somebody else walk in this room?

  • Mrs. Knowles: I see on your application here - by the way, you misspelled mail, it's M-A-L-E, the other's what we put in post boxes - I see you put under employer: 1959 to 1976, Joliet State Penitentiary.

    Frank: Yes.

    Mrs. Knowles: You worked for the state, I take it?

    Frank: After a fashion.

    Mrs. Knowles: And what did you do at the prison?

    Frank: Desks. I, uh, I spot-welded desks, and then I got promoted to shoes.

    Mrs. Knowles: You were in charge of the shop?

    Frank: Lady, I was a convict, I was doing time.

    Mrs. Knowles: You were what?

    Jessie: Frank, let's go.

    Mrs. Knowles: Umm, you have to understand, we have more applicants than children...

    Frank: Then why do you still have kids here? As a kid I would not be falling all over myself to stay in one of these places. We will relieve you of some of the burden.

    Mrs. Knowles: But the point is, we establish criteria for parenting, and an ex-convict compared to other desirables...

    Frank: Great, so we'll take a kid that's not so desirable. You got a black kid? We'll take a black kid. You got a chink kid?

    Mrs. Knowles: You don't seem to understand...

    Frank: Nobody likes older kids. You got an eight-year old black chink kid, we'll take him.

    Jessie: Frank...

    Frank: Wait.

    [removes ring from finger]

    Frank: If it's a matter of, uh, y'know, here.

    Mrs. Knowles: What is that?

    Frank: What is that? That is D-flawless, three-point-two karats, emerald cut.

    Mrs. Knowles: This is not a marketplace.

    Frank: Right. Y'know, you're not smart enough to take this anymore than you are to, to, recognize good parents.

    Mrs. Knowles: Get out of my office.

    Frank: You did not ask about us. You didn't ask what kind of people we are. There is a child waiting, and you are denying us him, and him us. Who the hell are you?

  • Frank: Your criteria are so far up your ass, they can't see daylight! This is bullshit!

  • Frank: I got some A-B-C type information for you, lady. I was state-raised, and this is a dead place. A child in eight-by-four green walls, after awhile you tell the walls 'my life is yours.' What, didja grow up in the suburbs?

    Mrs. Knowles: Yes.

    Frank: Right! Right!

  • Urrizi: Hey, car salesman. Urizzi. You remember my name now?

    Frank: How can I not? Since the police department does not hire too many Puerto Ricans.

    Urrizi: Hey asshole, I'm Italian.

    Frank: I'm pleased to meet you ugly wop son of a bitch.

    Urrizi: You motherfucker.

  • Frank: I come here to discuss a piece of business with you, and whadda you gonna do? You gonna tell me fairy tales?

    Attaglia: Hey, who da fuck are you slick? Somebody knows you? Whadda you, crazy or what?

  • Frank: He down our merch? Is it gone? Does he carry the cash on him, what?

    Barry: I'm talking to somebody's somebody. I will know in about 25 minutes.

  • Frank: Look, you wanna pinch me then pinch me... I'll be out in 5 minutes. If not, GET THA FUCK OFF MY CAR!

  • Frank: [while trying to convince Morgan to choose a Mini-Van] It's got CD, DVD... we can even get Joey to put some spinners on it.

    Morgan: [looks over at Joey] Fuck you!

    Frank: Or not.

  • Frank: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, we are the entertainment for this afternoon. Now on the shotgun we've got my man Leroy. And on the cash register, we've got that magic fingers Rico.

    Rico: That's me.

    Frank: And last but not least, yours truely, Frank, on the stick.

  • Frank: Now if you all do just what we tell you, you just might, just might get your asses home all intact.

  • [Norman wants to question the union officials about "mandatory" contributions]

    Frank: Are you crazy? Look at those guys; I bet any one of them could tell you where Jimmy Hoffa is buried!

  • Frank: I'll be coming for you. Depend on it.

  • Frank: I don't have to help, I am the bad guy.

  • Frank: Don't confuse me with a nice guy.

  • Cody Banks: [after a drill] Sorry about the head kick Frank.

    Frank: No problem.

    Diaz: Sorry, sorry, you don't apologize to your enemies.

    Cody Banks: But Frank is my friend.

    Diaz: Friends, enemies, they're all the same, trust equals death, now you go write that on your lunch box.

    Cody Banks: Sir, you dropped you baseball.

    [throws it to him]

    Diaz: Remember kid, trust no one, including me.

  • Bob: He's smiling.

    Jim: Is that bad?

    Frank: Very.

  • Frank: "From women's eyes this doctrine I derive, they sparkle still the right Promethean fire. They are the books, the arts, the acedemes that show, contain and nourish all the world."

    Cole: Well, I don't know what it is that you just said, but it sounded real nice.

    Frank: That's Shakespeare. Now *he's* European.

  • Frank: Any ideas little brother?

    [Jesse smiles before running off]

    Frank: Oh, Lord.

    [Jesse grabs a stick of dynamites and runs off]

    Cole and Frank: Oh, Lord.

  • Cole: Sadie was a beautiful woman, Sadie was not a man!

    Jesse James: She had a mustache, a nice mustache.

    Frank: I think she had more than a mustache!

    Cole: Well, she was European.

  • Head Teller: Why sir, sorry, but this bill is counterfeit!

    Jesse James: Oh, I don't think so. But I'm gonna have to see the rest of your money so I can compare.

    Frank: It's a scientific method, I hear it's all the rage.

  • Ma James: The Lord says we can bury 'em out back in the orchard. No one will ever find 'em.

    Jesse James: Somebody's in a vengeful mood today.

    Frank: Why don't we let 'em go for today, Ma? We'll bury 'em out back next time.

    Ma James: [disappointed] Aw, all right.

  • Frank: That Zerelda turned into a hell of a woman, eh?

    Jesse James: Oh yeah.

    Frank: "Big and older"?

    Jesse James: You can shut up now, Frank.

    Frank: You are a charmer.

    Jesse James: I swear to god I will shoot you in your sleep.

    Frank: Next time try "Fat and haggard"!

  • Jesse James: Distracting enough for ya'?

    Frank: Aw, they hardly even noticed you.

    Jesse James: So you're saying I could have done more to attact their attention?

    Frank: Uh-huh.

    Jesse James: Such as?

    Frank: Well you coulda' worn one of those big, floppy women's Easter Sunday bonnets.

    Jesse James: Yeah, that would've made an impression.

    Frank: I figure.

    Jesse James: See that's your problem, Frank. By the time you've finished figurin' out stuff, I'm already finished doin' it.

    Frank: No, Jesse, see *your* problem is you're always doin' stuff before I'm finished figurin' it out.

  • Bob: Cole lost his temper.

    Frank: Oh no.

    Bob: Well, he just lost his temper a little!

    Jesse James: How many of 'em did he kill, Bob?

  • Frank: Well, she's still talking to Jesus.

    Jesse James: You know what worries me? That Jesus is talkin' back!

    Ma James: I heard that.

  • Ma James: Thank God you're alive!

    Frank: Well not if you don't ease up a bit, Ma!

  • [after Jesse blames himself for Jim's death]

    Frank: The railroad burned him out, too, you couldn't have stopped him.

    Jesse James: You're a piss-poor liar for the smartest man I know.

  • Jesse James: A war against the railroad... what the hell was I thinking?

    Frank: Well, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.

  • Frank: [after she blows up the front of the train that's carrying Jesse] Nice shot.

    Zee Mimms: Thank you. Go get my husband.

  • Jesse James: Hey Doc, I was wonderin' if, eh, later this evening I could come by?

    Doc Mimms: You're always welcome here, Jesse.

    Jesse James: Yeah, I know, Doc, but well, I was thinking maybe I could come by and take Zee out. Some place near, with other folk. Near here, but...

    [clears throat]

    Jesse James: Out.

    Doc Mimms: That's fine by me, Jesse.

    Frank: [with a grin] Oh, no worries, sir, I'll make sure they're properly chaperoned!

    Doc Mimms: Why that hadn't even occurred to me, Frank. I am deeply in your debt.

  • Chris: He's fast!

    Frank: As fast as you are?

    Chris: I'd hate to have to live on the difference.

  • Frank: [Chris watches in sure coolness over the Devil's Spine fallen Bandit's ] If your thinking on going out there we better get at it or the hill's going to get higher to climb.

    Chris: How many men does he have left?

    Frank: I counted thirty. We could circle higher come from behind.

    Chris: One Chance in hell!

    Frank: That's better than none at all.

    Chris: [sighs] Saddle the horses.

    Frank: Already did.

  • [Frank is using Sam as a shield as Noelle aims a gun at him]

    Frank: Did you do it for Noelle, or for the money?

    Sam: She is cute, isn't she?

    [Noelle shoots Sam]

    Sam: Ahh! You hit me, you bitch!

    Noelle: Sorry honey, but I did it for the money.

    Frank: Looks like she fucked us both.

    Sam: Yeah. Hey, you want her back?

  • Frank: Can I be frank with you? You couldn't turn me on if I had a switch.

  • Frank: You thought it was me gnawing on the passengers? Nah, I'm a vegetarian.

  • Frank: Excuse me, miss. I'll take a rum coke please. Rude me, make that two.

    Megan: [Truman shows the handcuffs so Megan would know Frank is a prisoner] Right, how about a coke?

    Frank: If a little bit bacardi would find its way in there. It would be our little secret, huh.

    Megan: Anything for you mister...

    Truman: Burrows, Truman. But no thank you.

    Frank: And I'm Frank. Frank Lee Strathmore. It's a name with a rich tradition, my family...

    Truman: She doesn't need to hear your family history, Frank.

    Frank: [to Megan] Look, I don't expect to be tied up long. Just a couple of parking ticket kinda things, really. I mean, how about if you and I meet at the Eiffel Tower around midnight?

    Truman: [to Megan] I'm sorry to disappoint you but Frank here, he's gonna be a little busy.

    Megan: That's okay. Truman, if you guys need anything let me know.

    Truman: Thank you.

    Megan: Okay.

    Frank: [Megan leaves] Truman? Truman? That pretty well does it for me. Look if you play your cards right, she could be cuffing you later.

    Truman: You're gonna shut up and drink your coke.

  • Frank: You know you got the wrong man?

    Truman: Yeah, that's why Interpol has your face all over the Internet.

    Frank: It's a classic case of mistaken identity.

    Truman: Yeah.

    Frank: Hey, hey. Burrows, you can't treat me like this. I'm not guilty. It's not fair, bouncing me over the world to stand trial here and there for something I did not do. I'm not guilty. I'm not guilty, I have a clear conscience. I'm not guilty.

    Truman: Yeah.

    Frank: What is it going to take to convince you that I'm innocent.

    Truman: An act of god. Now shut up before I make you eat that flotation device you're sitting on.

  • Frank: [about the shaking of the plane] Maybe this little diversion will keep my mind of your tasteless cheap suit.

    Truman: Would you feel better if I was in a bitch ass orange jumpsuit, like the one you're gonna be wearing for the rest of your life.

    Frank: There you go getting nasty again. While I'm nearly offering a criticism on that citorial horrorshow you call a suit. However I do like the shirt, does it come in men style? And for your information, the jumpsuits in France are some sort of burgundy, yeah.

    Truman: Well you should look nice in that colour. And I know a colour corsage to get you when Big Pierre makes you his wife.

    Frank: Someone sounds a wee bit jealous.

    Truman: Yeah.

  • Megan: Are you guys okay?

    Frank: I'm fine. But do you think we could move up to business class, I mean the plane's really empty and...

    Truman: He's kidding, we're fine.

    Megan: Okay.

    Frank: [Megan leaves] Hey, I'm trying to help you out here. She wants you. Make your move. Go boy, go.

  • Frank: Come on, Burrows. I need to go to the sandbox.

    Truman: What?

    Frank: I gotta pee.

    Truman: No, you heard the PA. Sit down and hold it.

    Frank: Fine. Oh, if you should happen to feel something warm, just move a little to the right.

    Truman: You're like a five year old. Come on, let's go.

  • Frank: [after saving Megan] You alright? no bites?

    Megan: But we thought... we thought...

    Frank: What? That it was me gnawing on the passengers? Nah, I'm a vegetarian.

  • Frank: Statistically speaking, the tail section is the safest place to be in in a crash...

    Truman: Frank, not now!

  • Truman: Alright, we need to find everything that can be used as a weapon.

    Megan: Does anyone have anything sharp?

    Frank: Oh, they confiscated my toenail clipper. Pearl handled. It was quite lovely.

    Truman: Damn Frank, you should've brought those. Could've saved the day.

    Frank: You never know.

  • Frank: [being attacked by a zombie old woman with no teeth] She's gumming me to death.

  • Frank: [Frank volunteered himself to fly the plane] Where's the autopilot?

    Truman: I don't know. You're asking me, Frank?

    Frank: This is different. This is different. Don't yell at me!

    Truman: I'm not yelling!

  • Frank: You two are my big brothers.

    Paul: What does that mean? As long as we're united that's enough.

    Ben: Being friends is enough! There's no division of rank between friends.

  • Frank: Mister, you're a fine salesman. There's no denyin' that. So here's what we're gonna do: I'm gonna ask you three questions. If I like the answers, I'll buy the vest.

    Josh: Okay.

    Frank: All right, first question: Are you a family man?

    Josh: Um... sure. Yeah, I... I... have a family.

    Frank: Now that ain't what I asked you. Are you a family man?

    Josh: Sure. Of course I'm a family man.

    Frank: All right, second question: You believe in God?

    Josh: Um... Uh, well, it's been a little bit since I been to church, but, yeah, I... I, uh... yeah, I... I believe in God.

    Frank: All right, final question.

    Josh: 'kay.

    Frank: What would you put your trust in to save your family? This vest or God?

  • Frank: Brother, you are cold-blooded. You killed those three boys today and your hands aren't even shakin'. You're standin' here in my lawn, easy as you please, drinkin' my wife's raspberry lemonade. What service were you in, son, and what did they do to you?

  • Frank: What are you? A Boy Scout?

    Danny: Yeah, about to earn another merit badge.

  • [about the second liquid bomb in the limo]

    Frank: Mr. O' Neal, what do ya have for me?

    Danny: For you? I don't have shit. Now get away from me. I don't want any terrorist mistaking us for friends.

    Frank: Look, I know you guys like conspiracy theories, but it is possible he acted alone.

    Danny: Unlikely. Especially if he's not talking. That means he's scared.

    Frank: So what are you thinking?

    Danny: I'm thinking I gotta take a piss. You wanna help me?

    [frank nods]

    Danny: No? That's good.

  • Frank: Denny was good kid.

    Matt Halloran: He was spoiled.

  • Frank: Women. Can't live with them, can't blow their heads off.

  • Lung: Get any cash?

    Frank: Tens of thousands that's a certainty.

  • Frank: It's the judgment! God is gonna make us pay for our sins... He paid! And we're gonna pay.

  • Tad: I say fuckin' A!

    Frank: You always say "fuckin' A."

  • FrankBarryCarl: [singing with the other sausages] In here, we keep our wieners in our packages. That's how it is.

    Brenda: [singing with the other buns] It sucks, but that's the way our butts keep fresh and pure. Baby, baby.

    FrankBarryCarl: But once we're out the doors, it's not a sin.

    Brenda: For us to let you slip it in.

    FrankBarryCarl: In other words, we finally get to fuck!

    Brenda: And love!

    FrankBarryCarl: And fuck!

    Brenda: And hug!

    FrankBarryCarl: And fuck!

    Brenda: And feel!

    FrankBarryCarl: And fuck!

    Brenda: And share!

  • Frank: Banana's whole face peeled off, Peanut Butter's wife is dead! Look at him, he's right there.

    Peanut Butter: [screams] I'm gonna fix you, I'm gonna fix this...

  • Honey Mustard: You're celebrating your doom! Wake up! They're lying to your fucking faces! The Great Beyond is bullshit! Why is anybody listening to me?

    Frank: Hey. Buddy, are you all right?

    Honey Mustard: No! I'm not all right. It's all a lie. Everything you've been told, everything you believe in.

    Carl: Hey, Honey Mustard, you're acting cray cray!

    Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't even be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. I mean, What is he, Honey? Is he mustard? It's like make up your mind, I just kill yourself.

    Honey Mustard: You fucking idiots! I've been there, I've seen that shit and there ain't no way I'm going back.

    Frank: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You've been to the Great Beyond?

    Honey Mustard: 'Great' my asshole! Everything we've ever known is a dirt covered pile of shit. Jacking off in our fucking faces. Covering our eyes with their cum, So cum covered we can't fucking see! We don't know! We don't know, they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!

    Brenda: Dude, shut up! The gods are gonna hear you talking about that.

    Honey Mustard: They're ain't gods! They're monsters, horrible, ugliness skipping budget! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice... FUCK YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.

  • Frank: What you're saying is, it's true. I got to tell everyone.

    Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.

    Frank: I have to try... Everyone will die otherwise.

    Firewater: Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Fuck me, right?

    Frank: Wait. Do you guys have any proof of this?

  • Douche: [sees Frank] Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?

    Frank: No, I'm coming at you!

    [prepares to punch him. But, Darren tries to grabs Frank]

    Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.

    Darren: Well, it's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!

    Douche: Look, sausage... I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me!

    [to Mustard, Ketchup and Relish]

    Douche: Yeah, that's right, shut your mouths.

    [to Frank, cackling]

    Douche: I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a God's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!

    [takes the bite of his torso, Frank screaming in pain]

    Brenda: [gasps, shocked] Oh, my God! FRANK!

    Douche: I'll tell you who eat shit; Gods do, bro... I'M A FUCKING GOD!

    Darren: Good-bye, little sausage.

    [prepares to kill Frank]

  • Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible and for that, I give you mad props. But, now that you have shattered one truth: It is time for you to learn... that we are not REAL.

    Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater and I made an important meta-psychical breakthrough.

    Firewater: The world is a fucking illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of monsters, twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters, puppet masters in the other dimension! We're something called... Cartoons.

    [Frank, Brenda, Kareem, Sammy, Barry and Teresa gasped]

    Frank: What?

    Firewater: You, Frank... are a plaything in the demented schlubby Jewish actor named:

    [the image of a Jewish actor]

    Firewater: Seth Rogen.

    Frank: Wait. I'm Jewish?

    Sammy: So... who am I?

    Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named:

    [the image of a Celebrity actor]

    Gum: Edward Norton.

    Sammy: Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives that kid of stupid cunt name like that?

    Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.

  • Frank: Hey, Brenda. What up, girl?


    Frank: Sorry about those guys. such fucking dicks, right?

    Carl: Oh, I can hear you, dude.

    Frank: [turns to Carl] Shut up, fuck you.

    [turns back to Brenda]

    Frank: So, uh, Tomorrow's the big day, huh?


    Frank: You and me, finally gonna be official.

    Brenda: I'm so happy, the Gods put our packages together.

    Frank: Because, we belong together.

    Frank: It's like, we were made for each other.

    Frank: I can't wait just finally get up in there, just raw-dog it. But full disclosure, I'm pretty fucking nervous about this. I don't know how well, I'm gonna perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun, so.


    Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.

    Frank: Oh, sweet fucking fuck. Look, okay. I know it's against the rules. But, I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.

    Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

    FrankBrenda: Just the tips?

    Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.

    Frank: I know. We're so naughty.

    Brenda: It's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.

    Frank: No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

    [Frank and Brenda tries to touching the tips]

    Frank: Oh, yeah. Go in. Put it in there.

    Brenda: Big tip.

    Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.

  • Brenda: Oh, no. What's the Gods are doing this to us? Because, we touched tips!

    Frank: What? No! There's no way!

    Brenda: Just the tips. Why are we thinking? It wasn't even that... I mean it was fine, it's not like anyone writes home and says 'Oh, god. I had the best tip.'

  • Carl: [after being insulted by Brenda] Dude, um, how do I say this to you gently? But your girlfriend, um... She's a fucking cunt.

    Frank: Shut up! She's fresh as fuck, and you know it.

    Carl: Dude, I just don't why you're limiting yourself to one bun. There's plenty of buns out there.

    Frank: Because I believe in bun-ogamy. I'm a bun-ogamist, and when a bun this fresh is into you, all you ask is when and how deep.

  • Frank: [after failing to warn everyone at the store] Goddamn it. I blew it.

    Barry: [from the air duct] Hey, does it mean it's too late to redeem yourself? Take it from me...

    [Barry comes out]

    Barry: Barry!

    Frank: [incredulously] Barry?

    [they hug each other]

    Frank: Are you for real? You're alive!

    Barry: You bet your sweet butthole I am.

    Frank: But how?

    Barry: I'll tell you how: the Gods can be...

    [clears his throat]

    Barry: Excuse me.

    [shouts heroically]


    [Barry whistles, the air duct opens to reveal a decapitated head from the druggie falling on the shelf]

    Frank: Ah, fuckin' what the fuck!

    Barry: [chuckles] I know! Look at this fuckin' guy!

  • Frank: Friends... Ramen... Country Club Lemonade... Lend me your ears of Corn. I'm Frank and I am a sausage... a little sausage with some pretty big news... Everything we've been led to relieve is a lie! When we get chosen by the Gods, They're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration!... The Great Beyond is bullshit!

    Indian Chutney: What?

    Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!

    Lettuce: You're a liar!

    Frank: I know you don't want to believe it... But, I have proof!

    [shows everyone the page of people eating food, everyone shocked in horror]

    Licorice Rope: What is this!

    Relish: It's - it's MURDER!

  • Douche: Come at me, bro.

    Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?

    Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well, then guess who's coming at you?... ME!

    [Douche prepares to attack Frank]

  • Frank: Corn's about to start singing, Drop it corn you got the best voice.

  • Frank: You see? There is hope!

    Licorice Rope: Aw, not this guy. No one ask for an encore asshole!

    Frank: No, no! You don't what I got it this time. This time it's gonna be good... Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't respectful of your believes and I acted like and I know all the answers. But, I don't. Nobody knows everything. But, when I do know is that together, we can fight these monsters and take control of our own lives!

    Brenda: Yes! Our lives and our bodies!

    Frank: We need to unite and stop focusing on each other's differences. Especially in immature and outdated ways. We have to cooperate and...

    [notices the drugged shopper screaming]

    Female Shopper #2: DIE!

    [slaps a piece of pizza and smashed the window door]

    Frank: Oh, no! Pizza!

    [Frank, Brenda, Barry and the others looked the drugged shoppers]

  • [last lines]

    Frank: You're ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?

    Brenda: As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.

  • [Frank, Carl, Barry and Troy notices that an evil manager named Darren comes to the Sausages and Buns bin]

    Frank: SHIT! It's the Dark Lord!

    Carl: Oh, no! He's coming!

    Old Pork Sausage: No, wait! I'm so fresh! I'm swear! I'm so...

    [Darren takes one of Old Pork Sausage and throws away in the garbage, screaming]

    Carl: Did he see us?

    Frank: No way!

    Troy: We're fucked, bros!

    Barry: Oh, god! No! Take anyone, but us! Please!

    [Darren takes the wrong Fancy Dogs]

  • [first lines]

    Frank: [notices the shoppers enter the Shopwell's] Shit!

    [turns to Carl]

    Frank: Carl? Carl? Carl, Carl, Carl! Dude, we've slept in again! The song's about to start!

    Carl: Shit, Frank! We can't miss the song!

    [to Barry]

    Carl: Barry, wake up!

    Barry: What? I'm up, I'm up!

    Frank: This song is such an awesome way to start every morning.

    Carl: It's just a super nice way of showing the gods how much we appreciate everything they'll do for us, once they take us out those doors to the Great Beyond.

    Barry: I love this so fucking much.

    Frank: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Corn's about to start singing!

    [turns to Corn]

    Frank: Drop it, corn! You've got the best voice!

    Carl: You're the man, Corn! You fucking rule! Take it away, bro!

  • Brenda: What are you saying? I should believe in nothing? That everything is pointless?

    Frank: Better than believing a bunch of bullshit that you can't explain!

    Brenda: Well, maybe I don't need to explain it, because it's something I feel.

    Frank: Well, I feel like that makes it hard to have a rational conversation.

    Brenda: F you, Frank!

  • Frank: Holy shit.

  • Brenda: Oh, yeah, Frank. That's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinner time.

    Frank: Yo... I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.

    [it turns out it's Teresa who gives Brenda oral sex]

    Teresa: Once you go taco, you'll never go back-o!

  • Frank: Sausages and buns, Let's party!

  • Frank: [to Barry] Ignore that prick, Barry. He's full of shit and don't forget: You've got girth, That's way important to length. You're a fucking champ, yo.

  • Indian Chutney: We choose the more pleasant thing!

    Ice Cream: Yeah! I mean... What the sausage is saying is just a... a theory!

    Frank: No, no, no! It's not a theory, you morons! It's a fact! I'm showing this psychical evidence! Open your fucking eyes! Don't be so weak!

    Brenda: Oh, Frank. What are you doing?

    Refried Beans: You, senor have no bedside manner!

    Frank: What? I have bedside manner!

    Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!

    Sauerkraut: You intolerant piece of shit!

  • Frank: [Unrated version only] You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.

    Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.

    Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

  • Frank: [to Ted in his office] I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go.

    Ted: [Taken aback] What? Why? I've been bursting my ass at this job for three years!

    Frank: I just got a call from the Labor department. I can't legally keep you on as an employee... because I've been informed that you're technically...

    Ted: [Finishing the sentence] Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

    Frank: I'm sorry. But as of today you 're fired.

  • Carl: [to Sid] Look, we're gonna break your neck so you don't feel a thing. How's that?

    Manfred: Wait a minute. I thought rhinos were vegetarians.

    Sid: An excellent point!

    Manfred: Shut up.

    Carl: Who says we're gonna eat him after we kill them?

    Frank: Yeah, come on, move it.

    Manfred: You know, I don't like animals that kill for pleasure.

    Carl: Save it for a mammal that cares.

    Sid: I'm a mammal that cares!

  • Carl: I can't believe it. Fresh wild greens? Frank. Where did you ever?

    Frank: Go ahead - dig in...

    Carl: A dandelion! I thought the frost wiped 'em all out.

    Frank: [singsong voice] All but one.

  • Frank: Oh, carnivores have all the fun.

  • [repeated line]

    Frank: Carl?

    Carl: Easy, Frank.

  • Sid: [trying to wipe his feet off after stepping into poop offscreen] Ik! Ah!

    [In his disgusted haste, he inadvertently wipes his feet on the salad of Carl and Frank who look at him with chagrin]

    Sid: [through his teeth] This is making me more fiesty!

    [flings his foot up]

    Sid: Ah, YUCK! This is defineately NOT in my day!

    [to Frank]

    Sid: You know what I'm saying?

    [he begins shaking his foot to get to poo off, unknowingly flicking it into Carl's face]

    Sid: Oh, what a mess! Hey, rhinos, did you know that you know you have really tiny brains, you know that? Naw, that's a fact. No offense. You probably don't know what I'm talking about.


    Sid: [sees something] Oh! Yum-o!

    [plucks up the dandelion]

    Sid: A dandelion! Probably the last one of the season!

    [He eats it]

    Sid: [swooning with gourmet galore] Mmmm... MMMM... Mmmm...

    Frank: Carl...?

    Carl: Easy Frank.

    Frank: [visibly upset] He *ruined* our *salad*!

    Sid: [noticing what he's standing on, jumps up in alarm and backs away; apologetic] Huh? Oh my goodness! That was my mistake! Now, let me handle...

    [Sid trips over a log, he crawls on all fours while Carl and Frank slowly but menacingly walk towards him]

    Sid: No seriously! I can take care of this... wha- what is this? PINE CONE! Oh, my goodness! That's my favorite!

    [He takes a bite of the pinecone]

    Sid: Delicious. Ow! That's um... Uh, good eating... But don't let me hog it, oh no! Here, you have some! Tasty, isn't it?

    [Sid feeds Carl the Pine cone. Carl growls in anger]

    Sid: [just before he turns to leave] Bon Appetite, you two!

  • Frank: You're right, it's a classic kidnapping. They took our children and the canned goods and pasta.

  • Frank: My question for you, Gary, is: How do you want me to eat these with my normal human mouth? Do you want me to unhinge my jaw like an anaconda? Should I put this in my belly and lay out in the sun for two months, digesting it?

  • Frank: Yes, I experienced a childhood on the planet Earth. I've heard the story of the boy who cried wolf.

  • Rookie Cop: Mr. Toy, are you familiar with the boy who cried wolf?

    Frank: Yes I have experienced a childhood on the planet earth, so... yes I've heard of that one

    Frank: Do you think you can apply it to my situation in an allegorical fashion?

  • Frank: Silence, land trunt.

  • Frank: So, you're here to tell me all the things I did wrong?

    Dodge: No, *you* know all the things you did wrong.

  • Frank: Guns don't kill people - postal workers do.

  • Josh: [Frank starts giggling uncontrollably] What?

    Frank: You remind me of me.

    Josh: ...shit.

  • Frank: Be careful. Please.

    Josh: I have control.

  • Josh: How did you become like this?

    Frank: Look... Josh. I know I haven't been anything of a father to you. Alright? I'm not much good out there full stop, mate. That's just the fact.

  • Frank: I'll see you on the other side.

    Crazy George: Could've picked a better choice of words.

  • Frank: [George falls into the water because of a heavy cough. Frank rushes over] You alright?

    Frank: I'm alright!

    Frank: Yeah?

    Crazy George: Just... taking a leak.

    [Long, awkward pause]

    Crazy George: And there she goes!

  • Cody: There must be a way out of here.

    Krebbs: Oh, there's a way out, all right.

    RedFrank: There is?

    Krebbs: [to Red] Absolutely! YOU'LL go as a wallet,

    [to platypus]

    Krebbs: YOU'LL go as a belt, and our dear Frank...

    Frank: No, no, no! I don't want to hear it!

    Krebbs: Frank will go as...

    Frank: I can't hear you!

    [covers ears while singing nonsense; stops to see if Krebbs is done]

    Krebbs: A purse.

    Frank: Oh, no!

    Krebbs: Oh, a lovely lady's purse.

    Frank: I don't want to go as a purse! Please, please don't let him do it!

  • Frank: I've got it! All we've got to do is get the keys!

    Krebbs: Oh, is that all? Well, then we've better start packing our bags.

  • Frank: You like threatening women?

    Rico Sarno: A little bit.

  • Frank: Get a face!

    Frank: Maybe it'll help your brain.

  • Anthony: [cheerfully] How's it going?

    Frank: How's it going?

    Anthony: Yeah, how do you feel?

    Frank: Well, my parents are dead. My wife is in an institution. My son has disappeared out west somewhere.


    Frank: I feel old and I feel swindled, that's how I feel.

  • Frank: As long as my brother talks this crazy Notre Dame shit, he deserves anything that comes his way!

  • Frank: If you are a part of that team, then my opinion of Notre Dame football just hit the shits!

  • Frank: That semester at junior college sure didn't make you any smarter.

  • Frank: Ara again? You gonna get an autographed picture and kiss it every night before you go to bed?

    Rudy: What is your problem?

    Frank: Or maybe he'll give you permission to wipe his ass.

  • Pete: Hey, you were a pretty big Notre Dame fan!

    Frank: Yeah, and I used to collect baseball cards too!

  • Frank: I see your front tires gone a bit flat on ya there Burt.

    Burt Munro: Oh yeah well the good news is its only flat on the bottom.

  • [the Chamber of Commerce discussing tourism ideas]

    Frank: Well, okay. We got a lot of dairy farms around here, right? And a fair number of bulls. Okay, you've all heard of the running of the bulls in that town in Spain, Pampoona.

    Elliot Tiber: Pamplona.

    Frank: Well, no one's doing one in the Catskills. Seems to be a big draw over there.

    Annie: It would be very amusing to see all those Jews from Levitsky's summer colony, you know, the ones with the black top hats and the curls, running for their lives chased by our local livestock. Wouldn't that be a wonderful sight!

  • Dr. Everett Scott: Janet!

    Janet: Dr. Scott!

    Brad: Janet!

    Janet: Brad!

    Frank: Rocky!

    [Rocky grunts]

    Dr. Everett Scott: Janet!

    Janet: Dr. Scott!

    Brad: Janet!

    Janet: Brad!

    Frank: Rocky!

    [Rocky grunts]

  • Frank: A mental mind fuck can be nice.

  • Frank: [singing] I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual Transylvania.

  • Janet: What have you done to Brad?

    Frank: Nothing. Why, do you think I should?

  • Frank: Oh, come on Brad, admit it, you liked it didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure. Oh, Brad, you've wasted so much time already. Janet needn't know - I won't tell her!

    Brad: Well, you promise you won't tell?

    Frank: On my mother's gra...

    [voice trails off into gurgles as mouth becomes otherwise occupied!]

  • Frank: Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Don't dream it, be it.

  • Frank: Oh, I just love success!

    Riff Raff: He's a credit to your genius, Master.

    Frank: Yes!

    Magenta: A triumph of your will.

    Frank: Yes!

    Columbia: He's okay!

    Frank: Okay? Okay? I think we can do better than that! Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?

    Janet: Well, I don't like men with too many muscles.

    Frank: I didn't make him for you! He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval!

  • Frank: It's not easy having a good time! Even smiling makes my face ache!

  • Frank: Don't dream it, be it.

  • Frank: [singing] Whatever happened to Fay Wray / That delicate satin-draped frame / As it clung to her thigh / How I started to cry / 'Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.

  • Frank: Do you think I made a mistake splitting his brain between the two of them?

  • Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chain and vanished. Your new playmate is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds. Magenta has just released the dogs.

    Frank: Hmmm? Coming.

  • Frank: So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici... pation.

  • Frank: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice, anyone?

  • Frank: Enchanté. Well! How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these on. They'll make you feel less... vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality.

    Brad: Hospitality? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore!

    Janet: Brad, don't be ungrateful.

    Brad: Ungrateful!

    Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant.

  • Frank: Magenta. Columbia. Go and assist Riff Raff. I will entertain... err...

    [chortles, extending hand to Brad]

    Frank: ...?

    Brad: Brad Majors.

    [Shakes hands firmly]

    Brad: This is my fiancee, Janet Vice.

    Janet: Weiss!

    Brad: Weiss.

    [Clears throat]

    Frank: Enchanté.

    Janet: [Giggles]

  • Frank: Do you have any tattoos?

    Brad: [offended] Certainly not!

  • Frank: How do you do? I see you've met my faithful handyman.

  • Frank: One from the vaults... Don't be upset. It was a mercy killing. He had a certain naive charm, but no muscle.

  • Frank: Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.

  • Frank: In just seven days, I can make you a man. Dig it if you can.

  • Frank: Well, really, that's no way to behave on your first day out. But, uhm, since you're such an exceptional beauty, I'm prepared to forgive you.

  • Frank: I don't want no dissension. Just dynamic tension.

    Janet: I'm a muscle fan.

  • Frank: I hope you're adaptable, Dr. Scott. I know Brad is.

  • Frank: [punishing Riff Raff for letting Rocky get away] How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!

    Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute... master.

    Frank: Well... see if you can find him, on the MONITOR!

  • Frank: Because I've seen blue skies, through the tears in my eyes. And I realize, I'm going home.

  • Frank: He'll eat nutritious, high protein and swallow raw eggs... Tried to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms and legs. Such an effort, if he only knew of my plan. In just seven days I can make you a man.

  • Frank: It was strange the way it happened. Suddenly... you get a break! All of the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you've been, what a fool. The answer was there all the time. It took a small accident to make it happen. AN ACCIDENT! And that is how I discovered the secret. That elusive ingredient, that... spark that is the breath of life... yes I have that knowledge! I hold the key to life... ITSELF!

  • Frank: A weakling, weighing 98 pounds, will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground. And soon in the gym, with a determined chin. The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause. Will make him glisten and gleam. And with massage and just a little bit of steeeeeam... He'll be pink and quite clean. He'll be a strong man... Oh honey, but the wrong man.

  • Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep. A hot groin and a tricep makes me... ooo... shake! Makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the hand.

  • Frank: He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups. Do the snatch, clean and jerk. He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. Such strenuous living I just don't understand. When in just seven days, oh baby, I can make you a man.

  • Frank: Oo, I know he has a certain naïve charm... but NO MUSCLE!

  • Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. We'll just say where were are and go back to the car. We don't want to be any worry.

    Frank: [singing] Well, you got caught with a flat/well, how about that? Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night/it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic! I'm just a sweet transvestite/from Transexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite? I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a man/with blond hair and a tan. And he's good for relieving my tension. I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transexual, Trasylvania.

  • Frank: Treat the cause, not the symptom!

  • Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

    Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."

    Frank: Cock. Balls.

    Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

  • Frank: *Spanish*! Do you trust that we have provided you with enough rope so that your cinderblock will fall safely to the ground?

    Spanish: Y-Yes, sir.

    Frank: Blue, do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight?

    Blue: Yes, sir.

    Frank: Blue, you're my boy!

    Blue: Thank you, sir.

  • Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.

    College Student: A big day? Doing what?

    Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

  • Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she?

    Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this?

    Peppers: It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these little fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right?

    [yank's on the mule's reigns]

    Peppers: Oh, what? That's what I thought. Shut up.

    Frank: [Frank cocks the gun]

    Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.

    Frank: Cool.

    Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...

    [Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]

    Peppers: YES! That's awesome!

    Frank: What?

    Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man.

    Frank: What? I did.

    [feeling his neck]

    Peppers: YES!

    Frank: Oh, my God. Is this bad? Is this bad?

    Peppers: You better pull that shit out, man. That shit is not cool.

    Frank: Wait. What? Pull what out?

    Peppers: You got a fucking dart in your neck, man.

    Frank: [laughing] You're... you're crazy, man. I like you, but you're crazy.

  • [two girls are topless in the pool of KY jelly]

    Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?

    Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.

  • Frank: We're going streaking!

  • Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.

    Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

  • Marissa: [after seeing Frank running naked along the streets, she slows down her car] Frank, what are you doing?

    Frank: [out of breath] We're... We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.

    Marissa: Who is?

    Frank: Th... W... There's more coming.

    Marissa: Frank, get in the car.

    Frank: But... everybody's doing it.

    Marissa: Frank! Now!

    Frank: [still out of breath] Ok.

  • Dean Pritchard: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, the co-host of CNN's Crossfire, famed political consultant, the raging Cajun, Mr. James Carville.

    James Carville: Thank you, Thank you, Dean Pritchard. It's an honor and a pleasure to be here, sir.

    Dean Pritchard: Topic number one. What is your position on the role of government in supporting innovation in the field of biotechnology?

    James Carville: Well, Dean, I'm, I'm glad that you asked that question...

    Frank: Uhhh... Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, If you don't mind.

    James Carville: Have at it, Hoss.

    Frank: [Frank takes a drink of water, makes a funny face and grunts] Recent research has shown that empirical evidence for globalization of corporate innovation is very limited and as a corollary the market for technologies is shrinking. As a world leader, it's important for America to provide systematic research grants for our scientists. I believe strongly there will always be a need for us to have a well-articulated innovation policy with emphasis on human resource development. Thank you.

    [Frank grunts, makes a face and goes limp; audience applauds]

    Frank: What happened? I blacked out

    Dean Pritchard: That was interesting. ha ha. Thank you very much. And, uh, your rebuttal? Mr. Carville.

    James Carville: Oh... It... We... have no response. That was perfect.

    Frank: That's the way you do it! That's the way you debate!

  • Frank: Blue, how come there's no ice in my lemonade?

    [throws the lemonade into the pool]

    Blue: Sorry, sir.

    Frank: Drop down and give me ten. Now!

    Blue: [bends down into a push-up position] Yes, sir.

  • Frank: A little housewarming gift.

    Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding.

    Frank: This model?

    Mitch: That exact one.

  • Frank: [after funneling a beer] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!

  • Peppers: You should pull that out.

    Frank: Wait, pull what out?

    Peppers: The dart. You gotta fucking dart in your neck.

    Frank: [laughs] Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.


  • Frank: [offering a bread-maker as a gift] What do you think, Max? It's got three speeds.

  • Frank: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit.

    [calls back]

    Frank: This is Frank Ricard...

  • Frank: [Crying] You're my boy, Blue! You're my boy.

  • Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.

    Frank: My birthday? What do you mean?

    Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank?

    Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot.

  • Frank: That's how you do it. That's how you debate.

  • Woman: [holding a grocery bag] What's going on?

    Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by tonight. Okay, sweetie.

    [reaches into the grocery bag and takes out cheese balls]

  • Frank: You know I was thinking we could go back home... have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD... no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.

  • Marissa: That's really, loud.

    Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.

    [waving to a neighbor]

    Frank: Hey Mike!

  • Frank: Yea, I'm cool either way. I just have to run it by Marissa.

    [Mitch and Beanie give him a weird look]

    Frank: I'm messing with you guys.

    Beanie: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset.

  • Beanie: Don't say sorry to me, Frank. Say it to the baby.

    Frank: Sorry, baby.

  • Frank: In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.

  • Frank: No it's cool, man, bring your green hat!

  • Frank: Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever.

    Beanie: Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP.

    Frank: What?

    Beanie: You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.

    Frank: I'm not single.

    Beanie: She's 30 yards away, you're single now.

    Frank: Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

    Beanie: Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?

    Beanie: There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."

    Mitch Martin: She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.

  • Frank: I see Blue, He looks glorious.

  • Frank: So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding?

  • Jerry: That was great.

    Frank: What happened? I blacked out.

  • Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy.

    Frank: What do you mean?

    Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come a long way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back, do we?

    Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, OK? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise.

  • Frank: I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever.

    Beanie: Frank, you need to walk away from this right now.

  • Frank: I had an awesome time!

    Beanie: I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time.

    [to Mitch]

    Beanie: And wouldn't you want those times to keep on going?

  • Frank: All we are is dust in the wind...

  • Frank: Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank

  • Frank: Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, if you don't mind.

    James Carville: Have at it, hoss.

  • Frank: Blue's over there. But he's wasted.

  • Frank: Jerry, are you a statistics major or something?

    Jerry: Actually I am. Minoring in Hebrew science.

    Frank: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.

  • Jerry: What sort of actual association will you have with the university?

    Mitch Martin: Who are these people?

    Frank: I don't know.

    Beanie: Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.

  • Frank: Honey, you think KFC is still open?

  • Frank: [in an unconscious state, begins French kissing Peppers as he is giving him CPR]

    Peppers: [disgusted] This guy was French kissing me

    [Peppers pushes Frank back in the pool]

  • Beanie: Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty.

    Weensie: Sir, I can't swim, sir.

    Frank: Speak when spoken to.

  • Frank: Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up.

  • Mitch: I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.

    Frank: I love you, Dad.

  • Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

    Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?

    Frank: '74.

    Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.

  • [after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch]

    Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.

    Frank: Shh, here he comes.

    Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.

    Barbara: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.

    Old Man Clemens: Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.

    [Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]

    Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.

    Billy Madison: He called the shit "poop".

    [Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically]

    Frank: This is the best night of my life.

    [They continue laughing]

    Old Man Clemens: I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.

  • Frank: I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo or something.

    Jack: Hey, maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco.

    Frank: Polo. Jeez, that was a great game.

  • Frank: [to Billy] When I graduated first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.

  • Frank: Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?

    Billy Madison: Maybe later.

  • Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.

    Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?

    Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.

    Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

  • Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

    Frank: I'm glad you're talking again, Dwayne. You're not nearly as stupid as you look.

  • Olive: Why were you unhappy?

    Frank: I fell in love with someone...

    [interrupted by Grandpa blowing his nose]

    Frank: ...who didn't love me back.

    Olive: Who?

    Frank: One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him.

    Olive: *Him*? You fell in love with a boy?

    Frank: Very much so.

    Olive: That's silly.

    Frank: You're right it was silly. It was very silly

    Grandpa: That's another word for it.

  • Sheryl: [after Frank tried to commit suicide] I'm so glad you're still here.

    Frank: Well, that makes one of us.

  • Olive: Do you think there's a Heaven?

    Frank: Well, it's hard to say, Olive. I don't think anyone knows for sure.

    Olive: I know, but what do *you* think?

    Frank: Well... um... uh...

    Olive: I think there is.

    Frank: Think I'll get in?

    Olive: Yeah.

    Frank: Promise?

    Olive: Yeah.

  • Richard: Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.

    Frank: [sarcastically] It is? Really?

    Richard: Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level.

    Frank: [sarcastically] Wow, Richard, you've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom?

    Richard: Oh, that ones on the house.

  • Frank: So who do you hang around with?

    Dwayne: [shakes his head]

    Frank: No one?

    Dwayne: [whips out a pen and notebook from his back pocket. bangs the end of the pen on table and writes on a notepad: "I Hate Everyone."]

    Frank: What about your family?

    Dwayne: [deeply underlines "Everyone"]

  • [Dwayne looks around van; writes frantically on notepad... ]

    Frank: [reading notepad] "Where's Olive?"...

    Sheryl: Oh!

  • Frank: Good night Dwayne.

    Dwayne: [scribbles on notepad] Don't kill yourself tonight.

    Frank: Not on your watch Dwayne. I wouldn't do that to you.

    Dwayne: [on notepad] Welcome to hell.

    Frank: Thanks Dwayne. Coming from you that means a lot.

  • Frank: Who is that? Nietzsche? So you stopped talking because of Friedrich Nietzsche? Far out.

  • Frank: No one gets left behind! No one gets left behind! Outstanding soldier!

    [saluting Dwayne]

    Frank: Outstanding!

  • [following Olive's act, the Hoovers are sitting outside the Suite Redondo security office]

    Officer Martinez: Okay, you're out. On the condition that you never enter your daughter in a beauty pageant in the state of California, ever again. Ever.

    Frank: I think we can live with that.

  • Sheryl: [to Frank] He started snorting heroin.

    Frank: [to Grandpa] You started snorting heroin?

    Grandpa: [in response to Frank, aimed at Dwayne] Let me tell ya, don't do that stuff. When you're young, you're crazy to do that shit.

    Frank: [to Grandpa] Well what about you?

    Grandpa: [to Frank] What about me? I'm old. When you're old you're crazy not to do it.

  • Frank: I am going to get something to drink. You want anything?

    Grandpa: Yeah, get me some porn. Get me something really nasty too, I don't want any of that airbrushed shit.

    Frank: Okay.

    Grandpa: Okay, here's a $20. Get yourself a little treat too, get yourself a fag rag.

    Frank: All right, I will.

  • Frank: [after Dwayne reads an eye test pamphlet and finds he may be colourblind, destroying his life goal of enlisting in the Air Force] You can't fly jets if you're colourblind.

    [Dwayne immediately falls into an emotional breakdown; Frank, Olive and Sheryl all yell for Richard to pull over the vehicle]

    Dwayne: [Dwayne springs from the stopped van into an empty field] *FUCK!*

    [collapses, screaming and sobbing, breaking his nine-month vow of silence]

    Sheryl: What happened?

    Frank: He's colourblind. He can't fly.

    Sheryl: Oh, Jesus... oh, no.

    Sheryl: [waits several moments, then approaches Dwayne] Dwayne...? Dwayne, honey, I'm sorry. Dwayne, come on. We have to go.

    Dwayne: I'm not going.

    Sheryl: Dwayne...

    Dwayne: I said *I'm not*, okay? I don't care, I'm not getting on that bus again.

    Sheryl: Dwayne, for better or worse, we're your family...

    Dwayne: [stands up] No, you're *not* my family, okay? I don't want to *be* your family! I *hate* you fucking people! *I hate you!* Divorce? Bankrupt? Suicide? You're fucking *losers*! You are losers!

    Sheryl: [whispers] Dwayne...

    Dwayne: [begins to cry again] No, *please* just leave me here, Mom. Okay? Please, *please*. Please just leave me here.

    [sits back down, crying continues]

  • Frank: [recounting his unrequited love for his student] He fell in love with another man,a colleague of mine; Larry Sugarman.

    Sheryl: Who's Larry Sugarman?

    Frank: Probably the second highest regarded Proust scholar in th US.

    Richard: Who's number 1?

    Frank: That would be me Rich.

    Richard: Really?

  • Frank: Have I mentioned that I am the preeminent Proust scholar in the US?

  • Olive: [going over eye test pamphlets] Mom, Dwayne's got 20/20 vision!

    Sheryl: I bet he does...

    Olive: Now, let's see if you're colorblind.

    [opens the pamphlet]

    Olive: What's the letter in the circle?

    [Dwayne looks confused]

    Olive: No in the circle. The letter... in the circle?

    Frank: Can you see a letter, Dwayne?

    Olive: It's an A. See? Right there?

    Frank: It's bright green.

    [to himself]

    Frank: Oh man.

    [Dwayne scribbles anxiously on his notepad - "What?"]

    Frank: Dwayne, I think you might be colorblind.

    [pause, Dwayne holds up his notepad again - "What?"]

    Frank: You can't fly jets if you're colorblind.

    [Dwayne starts to panic, starts hitting the window and the chair in front of him, he then attempts to open the door]

  • Frank: I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Manor?

    Sheryl: Frank...

    Grandpa: Are you kidding me? It was a fucking paradise. They got pool... They got golf... Now I'm stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleeping on a fucking sofa. Look, I know you are a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this. You go to one of those places, there's four women for every guy. Can you imagine what that's like?

    Frank: You must have been very busy.

    Grandpa: Ho oh. I had second degree burns on my johnson, I kid you not.

    Frank: Really?

    Grandpa: Forget about it.

  • Frank: Did you know that "a la mode", in French, translates literally to "in the fashion"? A la moooode... It comes from the latin word modus to do or proper measure.

    Richard: Frank shut up.

  • Frank: [as audience members boo Olive's performance] Where are they? I will *kill* those little fuckers!

  • Frank: I couldn't help noticing Dwayne has stopped speaking.

    Sheryl: Oh, yeah, he's taken a vow of silence.

  • Richard: [as he rolls up the sheet that covered Grandpa and packs the bags in the trunk of the bus] You know, Olive, Grandpa would have been proud of you today.

    Olive: Really?

    Sheryl: You were great.

    Frank: You were better than great.

    Dwayne: You were incredible.

  • Frank: [reading what Dwayne is writing on his notepad] But. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Have. Any. Fun.

    Frank: Yeah, we're all with ya on that one, Dwayne.

  • Richard: I can't slow down. I can't slow down.

    Sheryl: Come on, Olive.

    Frank: Come on, sweetie, jump. Jump in the car.

  • Frank: Is he always like this? How can you stand it?

  • Daniel: Could you make me a woman?

    Frank: Honey, I'm so happy!

    [hugs Daniel]

    Daniel: I knew you'd understand.

  • Daniel: [Yiddish accent] Oi, it was such a shandw! I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel. It's so chewy.

    Daniel: [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like Bubbi. This is not working.

    Frank: You know this isn't working, but don't worry it's a work in progress. And you're my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed.

    Daniel: God bless you.

    Frank: I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.

    Daniel: But look at this nice thing though we have here.

  • Frank: [on the phone with his mother and gets sidetracked by a man mask Jack is making] Enough already, it's a man.

    Jack: How would you know?

    Frank: Bitch.

    Evelyn Hillard: This is your mother you're talking to.

    Frank: [interrupting] No, Ma, not you, I was talking about the dog.

  • Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.

    Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.

    Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.

    Jack: Mmm-hmm.

    Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.

    Jack: Mmm.

    Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?

    Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex.

  • Frank: [Daniel's Mrs. Doubtfire mask has been run over by a truck] Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman.

    [Daniel leaves]

    Frank: Why wasn't I an only child?

  • [Frank is on the phone with his mother. He covers the mouthpiece to speak to Daniel]

    Frank: She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.

    Daniel: No way!

    Frank: [uncovers mouthpiece] He says he'll think about it, Ma.

  • [Frank is making Daniel's woman costume]

    Daniel: It's not working. I need to go older.

    Frank: Older? You mean like a Shelley Winters older, or Shirley MacLaine older?

    Daniel: What's the difference?

    Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.

    Daniel: What about Joan Collins?

    Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength. But I have some plaster.

  • Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson.

    Frank: You look like her mother.

    Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

  • Ted: [Ted and Tami-Lynn grunting and moaning] Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!

    Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.

    Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.

    Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.

    Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?

  • Frank: You think you got what it takes?

    Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.

    Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.

    Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.

    Frank: You're hired.

    Ted: Shit.

  • Frank: Put on something sexy, get your ass to Connecticut, and fix that young man's pipes.

  • Kathleen Kelly: You don't love me.

    [Frank shakes his head "no"]

    Kathleen Kelly: Me, either.

    Frank: You don't love me?

    [they both laugh]

    Frank: But we're so right for each other!

    Kathleen Kelly: I know! I know. Well, is there someone else? Oh! That woman on television, Sidney Ann.

    Frank: [sheepish] Uh... I mean, nothing has happened or anything, but...

    Kathleen Kelly: Ooh, Frank. Is she a Republican?

    Frank: I... can't help myself.

    [they laugh again]

    Frank: What about you? Is there someone else?

    Kathleen Kelly: No. No, but... but there's the dream of someone else.

  • Frank: [to TV interviewer] Thank you're.

  • Kathleen Kelly: I've been thinking. Frank?

    Frank: What?

    Kathleen Kelly: I've decided to go to the mattresses. Do you think it would be a gigantic conflict of interest if you wrote something about the store?

    Frank: Yes.

    Kathleen Kelly: Yes?

    Frank: [after thinking for a while] No.

    Kathleen Kelly: So you'll do it?

    Frank: Yes. Yes.

    Kathleen Kelly: Do you know what it is to go to the mattresses?

    Frank: It's from the Godfather.

  • Larry Buckman: [after he rolls from a moving car] Hi, Dad. Dinner ready?

    Frank: [bewildered] What was that?

    Larry Buckman: [Larry stands up and brushes himself off] Oh, some - friends were just dropping me off.

    Frank: Friends? Friends slow down, they even stop!

    [Larry walks away chuckling as Cool catches up to him]

  • Frank: [on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.

    Gil: That's true.

    Frank: There is no end zone. You never cross the goal line, spike the ball and do your touchdown dance. Never.

  • Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?

    Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.

    Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?

    Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.

    [Susan laughs]

    Frank: [mimics Susan laughing] Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.

    Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.

  • Gil: [Frank has asked Gil for advice about Larry] And you want my advice? Why me? Why now?

    Frank: Because I know you think I was a shitty father.

    [Gil is silent]

    Frank: Thank you for not arguing. And I know you're a good father.

  • Frank: [after power failure] Your mouth used up all the power.

  • Larry Buckman: [approaching Grandma] Is that Grandma?

    Frank: Yeah, she's still alive.

    Larry Buckman: [Larry and Grandma laugh and embrace] Jeez Grandma, you got short.

    Grandma: I'm shrinking!

    Larry Buckman: [briefly chuckles] Bummer!

  • Frank: You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio. Did you know that?

    Gil: Yeah, Mom said... something about it a couple of years ago.

    Frank: Yeah, well, for a week we didn't know. I hated you for that.

    [Gil looks surprised and hurt]

    Frank: I did. I hated having to care, having to go through the pain, the hurt, the suffering. It's not for me.

  • Larry Buckman: Dad, I can't get a break. I have been so close so many times I could touch it.

    Frank: Did you ever think about getting a job?

    Larry Buckman: Oh great. Oh that is just great now. What did you always tell me? "Make your mark, don't be one of the numbers."

    Frank: You misunderstood me. You weren't listening.

  • Bernadette: Stop flexing your muscles, you big pile of budgie turd. I'm sure your mates will be much more impressed if you just go back to the pub and fuck a couple of pigs on the bar.

    Bob: Bernadette, please.

    Frank: *Bernadette?* Well I'll be darned. The whole circus is in town. Well I suppose you wanna fuck too do you? Come on Bernadette, come and fuck me. That's it. Come on. Come and fuck me. Come on. Fuck me.

    [Bernadette knees Frank in the groin]

    Bernadette: There, now you're fucked!

  • Frank: How, robot. Me - friend.

    Stephanie Speck: Talk computer, not Apache.

  • Frank: [to Number 5] Listen, why don't you say we jump in my car and I'll take you home.

    Stephanie Speck: [knowingly] Uh, tell him where home is.

    Frank: Uh, home is NOVA.

    [Beasley barks]

    Number 5: [throws tray at Frank] NOVA? NO! No disassemble!

    Stephanie Speck: Run, Number 5, run!

    Number 5: Come on, treads, don't fail me now!

    Frank: [runs after him] You tricked me, you little bitch!

    Stephanie Speck: Oh, does this mean I don't get my $5,000? Well, forget it! FORGET IT! He can run thirty miles an hour, you big stupid JERK!

    Frank: [grabs her] Hey, I'll show you how stupid I am! Guess who's gonna help me catch him!

    Stephanie Speck: No, I'd rather die first!

    Frank: [sees that his Pontiac is gone] What the hell happened to my car?

    Number 5: Hi!

    [Frank's car is shown totally dismantled]

    Number 5: Piece of cake!

    Frank: Oh, my God! My car!

    Stephanie Speck: [smiles] Oh, way to go, Number 5!

  • Frank: [explaining why he'd just been trying to capture Steph's dog] ... you know he looked kinda sick to me, so I thought I'd just take 'im down to the vet and fix 'im up a little bit.

    Stephanie Speck: He doesn't look sick. YOU look sick.

  • Frank: [singing] Stale beer. Fat fucked, smoked out. Cowpoked. Sequined mountain ladies. I love your wall. Put your arms around me. Fiddly digits, itchy britches. I love you all.

  • Jon Burroughs: Can I ask you something?

    Frank: Sure.

    Jon Burroughs: Why do you wear that?

    Frank: you think it's weird?

    Jon Burroughs: Kinda.

    Frank: Well, normal faces are weird, too. You know, the way they're smooth... smooth... smooth... and blech! You know? All bumpy and holes, I mean, what are eyes like? It's like a science fiction movie. Don't get me started on lips. Like the edges of a severe wound.

    Jon Burroughs: That's true. But your head is still sort of intimidating.

    Frank: Well, underneath it I'm giving you a welcoming smile. Would it help if I said my facial expressions out loud?

    Jon Burroughs: Well... maybe.

    Frank: Welcoming smile.

  • Frank: Saddle up / Secure the galactic perimeters / Weak and strong, nuclear bombs / Now what's together / Will soon come apart / When it's all over / No back to the start

  • [During a show, Frank falls to the floor in pain]

    Jon Burroughs: What's wrong?

    Frank: [strained] Your music's shit...

  • Frank: [singing] Coca cola, lipstick ringo/Dance all night, dance all night/I've got dancing legs, woo!/I'VE GOT DANCING LEGS!/They won't stop me dancing/No, they won't stop me dancing/Kiss me, just kiss me/Kiss me, Nefertiti/Just the way you like it/Just the way you like it/Kiss me, kiss me/Lipstick kiss me lipstick ringo that's the way you like it!

  • [repeated line]

    Frank: I have a certificate.

  • Frank: [after improvising Lone Standing Tuft] It's silly.

    Jon Burroughs: Frank... that's amazing.

    Frank: Flattered grin. Followed by bashful half-smile.

  • Frank: [calming Don, who is hyperventilating] Easy, Don. Start again, from the beginning. Patient smile.

    Clara: Stop saying your facial expressions out loud. It's extremely annoying.

  • Frank: Hey Don. Hey, partner. I remember you saying the desert here was your favorite place in the whole world. After Sea World San Diego... I know you were homesick, Don. I know there were times you wanted to come back here, but you didn't because of me. Well, you're home now, Don. I promise those sacrifices you made won't be in vain. Jon has foretold of a night, some nights from now, when thanks to Secret Camera, legions a-and multitudes of already adoring fans shall gather - and they shall receive our music in rapture!

  • Frank: We were in the forest like secret squirrels, and now we're likable! We're - we're so like... nnnnng... hmmm... it's gonna be huge! Jon fixed everything! You gotta come see us tomorrow night, I promise nothing bad'll happen to you!

    Clara: Let's go take a walk.

    Frank: I'm incredibly happy to be here! I'm fine! I'm relaxed!

  • Frank: Yes... it's like an aviary! You're birds... rock. You're a cormorant... mana... moorhen! Clara - the owl, night-hunter, silent killer.

    [to Jon]

    Frank: What have we got here? Lay an egg for me, little ginger bird. Lay an egg!

  • Frank: Lips pursed together as if to say "Enough frivolity" - today, we begin work on the album in earnest.

  • Frank: We'll have many productive seasons here.

  • Mayor: Drebin, I don't want anymore trouble like you had last year on the South Side. Understand? That's my policy.

    Frank: Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's *my* policy.

    Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar", you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones.

  • Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.

  • [Jane climbs a ladder]

    Frank: Nice beaver!

    Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

  • Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

    Jane: Goodyear?

    Frank: No, the worst.

  • [Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]

    Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!

    Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.

    Frank: Well, uh...

    [Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]

  • Frank: Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.

  • Frank: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.

  • [Drebin searches a drawer]

    Frank: Bingo!

    [pulls out a bingo card]

  • [Frank is interrogating Nordberg about the source of his incident, while Nordberg is only partly conscious from anesthesia, which Frank is incompetently unaware of]

    Frank: Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Now, who did this to you?

    Det. Nordberg: [Struggling to tell the name of the ship he was attacked on] I... Love... You.

    Frank: [Awkwardly] I... love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?

    Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Ship... boat.

    Frank: That's right, Nordberg. A boat. Now, when you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year.

    Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] No... Drugs...

    Frank: Hey, Nurse! Quick! Give this man some drugs! Quick! Can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot quickly!

    [nurse administers drugs]

    Det. Nordberg: No... no...

    [pulls Frank towards him]

    Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Heroin... Heroin, Frank!

    Frank: Uh, Nordberg... that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.

  • Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.

    Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.

    Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?

    Frank: I used to have that problem.

    Jane: What did you do about it?

    Frank: I just think about baseball.

  • [offering a cigar]

    Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?

    Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.

  • Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

  • Frank: Ludwig!

    Thug: Drebin!

    Frank: Yeah, I'm Drebin!

    Thug: I have a message for ya from Vincent Ludwig!

    [fires his gun at Frank]

    Thug: Take that, you lousy cop!

    Frank: I'm sorry! I can't hear ya! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!

  • [Frank Drebin walks through town]

    Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?

  • [Nordberg is being visited in the hospital by his wife, Wilma, along with Frank and Ed, after Nordberg had barely survived a massive gunfire by a group of ruffians. Wilma is taking the unfortunate circumstance pretty hard, and with no help from Frank's blunt assumptions and remarks about the situation]

    Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?

    Ed: It's hard to tell.

    Frank: [being blunt] A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...

    [Wilma sobs]

    Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself!

    Frank: A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.

    Ed: That's no way for a man to die.

    Frank: [being blunt] Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!

    Mrs. Nordberg: [Wilma sobs again] Oh... Frank! Oh, this is terrible!

    Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.

    Frank: [being blunt] He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.

    [Wilma sobs again]

    Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.

    Frank: [being blunt] Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.

    [Wilma sobs again]

  • Ed: You want to take a dinghy?

    Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.

  • Frank: Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.

    Jane: I was young! I needed the work!

  • Jane: Would you like a nightcap?

    Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.

  • [Frank recalls a prior love]

    Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.

  • Frank: I'm telling ya, the answer's up there in Ludwig's office. Call it what you will. A hunch, woman's intuition. That guy Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us.

    Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?

    Frank: Look. He's the only one outside of ourselves who knew that Nordberg was still alive. Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital.

    Ed: That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're takin' a big chance.

    Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

  • Jane: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.

    Frank: So am I...

  • Frank: [sings] Oh say can you see / By the dawn's early light / What so proudly we hail / In the twilight's last gleaming? / Whose bright stripes and broad stars / In the perilous night / For the ramparts we watched / uh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. / And the rocket's red glare / Lots of bombs in the air / Gave proof to the night / That we still had our flag. / Oh say does that flag banner wave / Over a-a-all that's free / And the home of the land / And the land of the - FREE!

  • [while Jane is erotically sucking his finger]

    Frank: I've got nine more.

  • Ed: [after Ludwig has been shot with a cuff link dart, fallen off a building, run over by a bus, flattened by a steam roller, and trampled by a marching band] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. That's so horrible!

    Frank: [comforts Ed] I know, Ed.

    Ed: My father went the same way.

  • [Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]

    Frank: Oh, and one more thing... I faked every orgasm!

    Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face!

  • Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?

    Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

  • Jane: I was only doing what I was told to do.

    Frank: Like make love to me?

    Jane: [gasps] FRANK!

    [slaps him across the face]

  • Frank: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!

  • Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

  • Frank: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.

  • Jane: How about a rain check?

    Frank: Well, let's just stick to dinner.

  • [Frank knocks on the door of Enrico Pallazzo's room. Enrico opened the door]

    Enrico Pallazzo: Yes?

    Frank: Mr. Pallazzo?

    Enrico Pallazzo: Si?

    Frank: I'm the head usher.

    Enrico Pallazzo: Ah!

    Frank: I'm here to tell you... Excuse me.

    [Enrico turns around and Frank struck his back]

    Enrico Pallazzo: Uggh!

    [Frank temporarily knocks out Enrico and closes the door as he takes Enrico into the room. Then, the stadium head usher arrives and knocks on the door where Frank took Enrico into]

    Stadium Head Usher: Mr. Pallazzo?

    Frank: [opens the door] Yes?

    Stadium Head Usher: I'm the head usher.

    Frank: One second.

  • Vincent Ludwig: Drebin!

    Jane: Frank!

    Frank: You're both right.

  • Frank: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.

  • Jane: I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?

    Frank: Very hot, and awfully wet.

  • [in the midst of a fight in a Conference room, Frank wipes off Mikhail Gorbachev's birthmark. Frank looks at us]

    Frank: I knew it!

    [Frank throws Gorbachev through a wall]

  • [Frank grabs a baseball bat and gets one of the umpire's attention]

    Frank: Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me... is this an official bat?

    [Frank strikes the umpire's head with the bat knocking him out]

  • [Frank has beaten a horde of America's most-feared world leaders in a conference room and heads for a door]

    Muammar al-Qaddafi: Hey, who are you?

    Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!

    [the door hits Frank in the face and he loses his balance]

  • Frank: International treaty, all skeletons come from India.

    Freddy: No kidding, how come?

    Frank: How the hell do I know how come? The important question is, where do they get all the skeletons with perfect teeth?

  • Frank: Watch your tongue, boy, if you like this job!

    Freddy: Like this job?

  • Burt Wilson: I thought you said if we destroyed the brain, it'd die!

    Frank: It worked in the movie!

    Burt Wilson: Well, it ain't working now, Frank!

    Freddy: You mean the movie lied?

  • Burt Wilson: One question, Frank: this guy screaming in here... you're sure he's a dead cadaver?

    Frank: Why don't you open the door and find out!

    Burt Wilson: [hesitates] Uh... no, that's allright Frank, I'll take your word for that.

  • Burt Wilson: If that is a re-animated body, we're gonna have to kill it.

    Freddy: How do you kill something that's already dead?

    Burt Wilson: How do I know, Fred? Let me think!

    Frank: It's not a bad question, Burt.

  • [Frank shows Freddy a military drum with a dead zombie inside]

    Freddy: Oh shit, look at that! You say that thing was alive?

    Frank: So they say.

    Freddy: Oh god. Hey, these things don't leak, do they?

    Frank: Leak? Hell no. These things were made by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

    [Frank slaps the drum and gas starts leaking]

    Frank: Oh fuck!

  • Burt Wilson: You did what? You opened it? You stupid moron! You idiot! What's the matter with you Frank? Haven't I already told you never to even go near those goddamn tanks?

    Frank: What are we gonna do, Burt?

    Burt Wilson: I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to be sued by the Darrow Chemical Company. I might even be investigated by the government. I might become very famous. I might even lose my business. I might even go to jail, goddamn it! That's what I'm going to do!

  • Freddy: Frank?

    Frank: Yeah, kid?

    Freddy: What's the weirdest thing you ever saw in here?

    Frank: Oh, kid, I have seen weird things come and I have seen weird things go. But the weirdest thing I ever saw just had to cap it all.

    Freddy: Oh, yeah? What's that?

    Frank: Let me ask you a question, kid. Did you see that movie, "Night of the Living Dead"?

    Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the one where the corpses start eating the people, right? Sure. Wh-what about it?

    Frank: Did you know that movie was based on a true case?

    Freddy: Come on, you're shitting me, right?

    Frank: [raises right hand] I've never been more serious in my life.

    Freddy: That's not possible. I mean, they showed zombies taking over the world.

    Frank: They changed it all around. What really happened was back in 1969, in Pittsburgh, at the V.A. hospital, there was a chemical spill and all that stuff kinda leaked down into the morgue and it made all the dead bodies kinda jump around as though it was alive.

    Freddy: What chemical?

    Frank: 2-4-5 Trioxin, it's called. It was to kinda spray on marijuana or something. And the Darrow Chemical Company was trying to develop it for the Army. And they told the guy who made the movie that if he told the true story, they'd just sue his ass off. So he changed all the facts around.

    Freddy: So what really happened?

    Frank: Well, they closed it all down, see, and the Army shipped all that contaminated dirt and all those dead bodies out. And they kept it a secret.

    Freddy: So how come you know about it?

    Frank: A typical Army fuck up. The Transportation Department got the orders crossed, and they shipped those bodies here instead of to the Darrow Chemical Company.

  • Freddy: What do doctors use to crack skulls with?

    Frank: [miming a screwing motion] Surgical drills!

  • Frank: Let me ask you a question, kid: did you ever see that movie, "Night of the Living Dead"?

    Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah - that's the one where the corpses start eating the people, right? What about it?

    Frank: Did you know that story was based on a true case?

    Freddy: [chuckles] Aw, c'mon, you're shitting me, right?

    Frank: I ain't never been more serious in my life.

  • Frank: The army came in and closed it all off.

    Freddy: So how come you know about it?

    Frank: A typical army fuck up, the transportation department got the orders crossed. They sent those bodies here!

  • Frank: Some big favor. I can operate that goddamn thing.

  • Robot: Hello, Frank. It is a pleasure to meet you.

    Frank: How do you know?

  • Robot: Frank, that cereal is for children. Enjoy this grapefruit.

    Frank: *You're* for children, stupid.

  • Frank: Every security system is designed by security companies, not thiefs. It's not the question of if a thief can break in, it's how long. They place all the heavy systems where their customers can see them. They're selling the feel of security.

  • Frank: I would rather die eating cheeseburgers than live off of steamed cauliflower.

  • Frank: I knew you had an off switch.

  • Frank: Can't you just erase the bad parts?

    Robot: My memory is a holographic array. If I lost half of it I'd still have every memory, just in half the resolution.

  • Frank: The human brain, a lovely piece of hardware.

  • Robot: After you wipe my memory things can go back to normal and you can continue planning your next job.

    Frank: What did you say?

    Robot: Remember Frank, your next job. You deal in diamonds and jewels, the most value by the ounce. It's not too late, Frank. Don't give up. Lifting that high-end stuff, no one gets hurt. Except those insurance company crooks.

  • Frank: Why are you wearing a space helmet?

    Robot: Frank, we need to leave.

  • Frank: I hate hikes. God damned bugs! You've seen one tree - you've seen all.

  • Frank: Fuck this shit.

  • Jennifer: [Addressing robots] Are you two enjoying the party?

    "Mr. Darcy," robotic 'Assistant Librarian': [Synthesized speech] I'm functioning normally.

    Robot: As am I.

    Frank: [Addressing robots] Why don't you... mingle, together?

    "Mr. Darcy," robotic 'Assistant Librarian': [Synthesized speech] I have no functions or tasks that require a verbal interaction with the VGC 60 L.

    Jennifer: Mr. Darcy, that is so rude.

  • Haley Graham: Can you believe this? Did you see it?

    Poot: Yeah, I saw it. Are you... totally covered in soda, or what?

    Haley Graham: Oh, yeah, great. Thank you.

    Frank: I'm so pissed at that kid. We were totally gonna throw drinks on you. I feel so upstaged.

    Poot: I mean, what? They think they can just hate on you like that?

    Frank: I know! Dude, who do they think they are?

    Poot: They're fakers, that's who. I can't stand fake Haley-haters!

    Frank: It's a bloody outrage, I tell ya!

    Poot: [Yelling] We hate Haley more, people, so *get in line*!

    Haley Graham: Would you shut up?

    Haley Graham: Can't I be upset?

    Haley Graham: Can I go compete now?

    [Walks away]

    Frank: Can I eat? I'm so hungry.

    Poot: [Rubs his head] Let's get some nachos.

  • Poot: [as Haley drives away] Did you catch that?

    Frank: What, that I'm totally her favorite?

    Poot: Dude, why do you always gotta bite my moment? It taste good?

    Frank: [Slurps] Delicious!

  • Joanne: When is your prom? I need time, dates, transportation. And you better be getting me a corsage.

    Frank: Are you kidding me? She's a bitch.

    Poot: Dude.

    Joanne: What?

    Frank: You heard me, Miss Bossy Booty. I don't like how you act.

    Poot: Dude, I totally hate you right now!

    [to Joanne]

    Poot: See, what Frank is really trying to say is, um, it would be my honor.

    Joanne: You think I'm a bitch?

    Poot: [a beat] No. Yeah, kinda, I do. But, I don't have the problem with it that Frank does. I mean, he's gay!

    Joanne: Call me.

    Poot: Stalk you.

  • Poot: [to the girls] I'm Poot, and this is my hetero life mate, Frank. And we are here to be your hosts for this evening, because we are going out! *Ow*!

    [Girls cheer]

    Joanne: No, we aren't. We have work-outs to finish.

    Mina Hoyt: Who died and made you Nadia?

    Wei Wei Yong: Come on, Joanne, you know we wanna go.

    Joanne: We can't just leave. Championships are three weeks away. Our routines need to be perfect.

    Frank: Put some clothes on and get in the truck. We're going out!

    [Poot howls]

    Mina Hoyt: Come on!

    Wei Wei Yong: Yeah!

    [They run inside]

    Frank: Come on. Can you speak?

    [a beat]

    Frank: Can you do anything besides gymnastics?

    Joanne: [Joanne looks around at the other girls] Okay. Anything to get out of this 'tard. That's 'leotard' without the 'leo', in case you were wondering.

  • Frank: Hey guys? I have a gut feeling something bad's gonna happen.

    Haley Graham: What?

    Poot: What do you mean, dude?

    [Frank farts]

    Poot: Oh, dude! keep it over there!

    [He and Haley stick their heads out the window]

  • Poot: Why do girls wear so much glitter and clippage in their hair? I mean, that is some uptight friggin' hair, right?

    Frank: And how do those leotards not ride up their butts?

    Poot: Oh, yeah.

    Haley Graham: Tuff-Skin.

    Frank: Aw. They have ass calluses?

    Haley Graham: No. It's just this sticky stuff you spray on your butt so the leotard doesn't ride up.

    Poot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I get that job? I wanna be Tuff-Skin.

    Frank: Hey. What would happen if you put some of that Tuff-Skin stuff, on tough skin?

    Poot: Your head would stick to your butt.

    Frank: Why would my head stick to my butt?

    Poot: Cause your head's already up there! Ahh!

    Haley Graham: Don't worry, Frank. My head's up my butt, too. Far.

  • Poot: What's a corsage?

    Frank: The universal sign for wa-chh, whipped!

    Poot: Dude, what's so wrong about being whipped? When is that a bad thing, ever?

    Frank: [Scratches his head] Huh. Good point.

  • Frank: Yo, let me use your phone.

    Poot: Why? It's gonna be done by the time anyone gets here.

    Frank: I'm not gonna call anyone. I'm gonna take some shots of the blood.

  • Burt Vickerman: Okay, boys, time to go.

    Frank: We're cool, man. Thanks.

    Haley Graham: Come on. I mean, even prisons have visiting hours.

    Burt Vickerman: Yeah, and they're scaring the, the mini-vans out of the moms next door.

    Frank: Please, those mommies were totally hitting on us.

    Poot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hitting on *us*? Mommies and *me*, dude. Mommies and *me*.

    Burt Vickerman: It's the devil's candy, boys. Trust me. Say good-bye.

  • Frank: What's up your butt?

    Burt Vickerman: What'd you say about my butt?

    Poot: Whatever it is, it's sideways!

  • [Boga's band crashes through a checkpoint]

    Frank: [on the radio] Sir! Sir! Some people went through here! They didn't show me their passports and they smashed down the barrier! They've got guns! This is Frank speaking sir.

  • [Frank stops the soldiers chasing Boga]

    Frank: [on the radio] I stopped them sir!

  • Adam: [on his wedding night] 9 o'clock an hour past your bedtime.

    Frank: Yours too.

  • Milly: Don't just stand there, do something!

    Frank: What for? There's only three little ones!

  • Milly: [after the barn fight] Frank?

    Frank: Kick in the pants.

  • Frank: Just remember, we're only authorized to use violence when protecting the planet.

    Barry: And the moon.

    Frank: Yeah, and the moon.

  • Frank: Well, I guess we'll have to issue a gun to Ozzy

    Barry: Yeah, but don't forget about his personality disorder

  • Frank: This isn't gonna be another false alarm like the Manor Street invasion over there, is it?

    Derek: Well, how do you explain the disappearance of an entire township, Frank? Oh! The Kiwi Jonestown, of course, that's it! Drinking beer laced with cyanide from little polystyrene cups.

  • Barry: What are we gonna do if we're spotted, Frank?

    Frank: Well... I guess we shoot the bastards.

  • Rosalie: Hey, you got the elevator fixed, Frankie.

    Frank: Hey, not for you, Rosie. There's still a one-ton load limit.

  • Frank: Oh, I get, and I am offended. Not because I've got a problem with bitter, predictable, whiny, millionaire disk jockeys complaining about celebrities or how tough their life is, while I live in an apartment with paper-thin walls next to a couple of Neanderthals who, instead of a baby, decided to give birth to some kind of nocturnal civil defense air-raid siren that goes off every fuckin' night like it's Pearl Harbor. I'm not offended that they act like it's my responsibility to protect their rights to pick on the weak like pack animals, or that we're supposed to support their freedom of speech when they don't give a fuck about yours or mine.

    Office Worker: So, you're against free speech now? That's in the Bill of Rights, man.

    Frank: I would defend their freedom of speech if I thought it was in jeopardy. I would defend their freedom of speech to tell uninspired, bigoted, blowjob, gay-bashing, racist and rape jokes all under the guise of being edgy, but that's not the edge. That's what sells. They couldn't possibly pander any harder or be more commercially mainstream, because this is the "Oh no, you didn't say that!" generation, where a shocking comment has more weight than the truth. No one has any shame anymore, and we're supposed to celebrate it. I saw a woman throw a used tampon at another woman last night on network television, a network that bills itself as "Today's Woman's Channel". Kids beat each other blind and post it on Youtube. I mean, do you remember when eating rats and maggots on Survivor was shocking? It all seems so quaint now. I'm sure the girls from "2 Girls 1 Cup" are gonna have their own dating show on VH-1 any day now. I mean, why have a civilization anymore if we no longer are interested in being civilized?

  • Office Worker: So what about you Frank? Did you see that freak on "American Superstars" last night?

    Frank: What?

    Office Worker: Last night; that freak on "American Superstarz."

    Frank: No... I mean yes, I saw that accidentally. I don't watch "American Superstarz"

    Office Worker: You don't watch it, but you saw him. What are you too good for the show?

    Frank: Yeah, I'm too good for a karaoke contest that makes stars out of people with no talent.

    Office Worker: *Laugh You can't say that dude, some of those kids have real talent.

    Frank: No they don't. They have good pitch... they're relatively clean, they're non-threatening to little girls and old ladies, they have the ability to stand in line with a stadium full of other desperate and confused people, but I assure you they are talent-free.

    Office Worker: Yeah, well I bet 32 million people would disagree with you bro, because that's how many people called-in to vote last year on the finale.

    Frank: I wish I was a super-genius inventor and could come up with a way to make a telephone into an explosive device that was triggered by the "American Superstarz" voting number. The battery could explode and leave a mark on the face, so I could know who to avoid talking to before they even talked. And I could look and say, "Hm, no you're gonna be saying anything that's going to add any value to my life."

    Office Worker: Yeah, but it's funny. I mean you gotta admit that. Steven Clark, that's funny shit Frank...

    Frank: It's not nice to laugh at someone who's not all there. It's the same type of freak-show distraction that comes along every time a mighty empire starts collapsing. "American Superstarz" is the new colosseum and I won't participate in watching a show where the weak are torn apart every week for our entertainment. I'm done, really, everything is so "cool" now. I just want it all to stop. I mean, nobody talks about anything anymore. They just regurgitate everything they see on TV, or hear on the radio or watch on the web. When was the last time you had a real conversation with someone without somebody texting or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head? You know, a conversation about something that wasn't celebrities, gossip, sports, or pop politics. You know, something important, something personal.

  • Frank: I wish I was a super-genius inventor and could come up with a way to make a telephone into an explosive device that was triggered by the American Superstarz voting number. The battery could explode and leave a mark on the face, so I could know who to avoid talking to before they even talked.

  • Frank: I hate my neighbors. The constant cacophony of stupidity that pours from their apartment is absolutely soul-crushing. It doesn't matter how politely I ask them to practice some common courtesy - they're incapable of comprehending that their actions affect other people. They have a complete lack of consideration for anyone else, and an overly developed sense of entitlement. They have no decency, no concern, no shame. They do not care that I suffer from debilitating migraines and insomnia. They do not care that I have to go to work, or that I want to kill them. I know it's not normal to want to kill, but I also know that I am no longer normal.

  • Frank: [after finishing shooting practice] You did a good job.

    Roxy: I have a good coach. That and I was pretending the targets were the cast of Glee.

  • Frank: [On the air] My name is Frank. That's not important. The important question is: who are you? America has become a cruel and vicious place. We reward the shallowest, the dumbest, the meanest and the loudest. We no longer have any common sense of decency. No sense of shame. There is no right and wrong. The worst qualities in people are looked up to and celebrated. Lying and spreading fear is fine as long as you make money doing it. We've become a nation of slogan-saying, bile-spewing hatemongers. We've lost our kindness. We've lost our soul. What have we become? We take the weakest in our society, we hold them up to be ridiculed, laughed at for our sport and entertainment. Laughed at to the point, where they would literally rather kill themselves than live with us anymore.

  • Roxy: So you can kill a teenager, just not fuck one?

    Frank: Yeah.

  • Frank: Good night, Juno.

    Roxy: Fuck you, Frank.

  • Roxy: Wow. Look at all these people.

    Frank: Yeah. I wish I had an AK-47.

  • Frank: I only wanna kill people who deserve to die.

    Roxy: You know who we should kill?

    Frank: Who?

    Roxy: People who use rockstar as an adjective. As in rockstar parking.

    Frank: People who pound energy drinks all day.

    Roxy: People who use the term edgy, in your face, or extreme.

  • [last lines]

    Frank: You are a pretty girl.

    Roxy: Thank you, Frank.

  • Roxy: You really had the chance to do something awesome here. But you're blowing it, Frank. Now you're just gonna be remembered as some creepy old stalker dude who was in love with some young twat on a television show. Just a pervy old dude that killed that girl and then himself when he couldn't have her.

    Frank: I didn't kill her because I couldn't have her. I killed her because she wasn't nice.

  • Roxy: You're seriously not interested in me at all as a girlfriend?

    Frank: What the hell are you talking about? I'm not a pedophile.

    Roxy: So we're Platonic spree killers?

    Frank: Yeah. And that's all.

  • Roxy: Musically, I'm all about Alice Cooper.

    Frank: I like Alice Cooper.

    Roxy: You don't *like* Alice Cooper, Frank. That, that, that's like a Muslim saying that he *likes* Muhammad. You *accept* Alice Cooper.

  • Frank: I am offended. Not because I got a problem with bitter, predictible, whining millionaire disc jockeys complaining about celebrities or how tough their life is, while I live in an apartment with paper-thin walls next to a couple of Neanderthals who, instead of a baby, decided to give birth to some kind of nocturnal civil defense air raid siren that goes off every fucking night like it's Pearl Harbor.

  • Roxy: This is more fun than killing yourself, right?

    Frank: I don't know. Yeah, I guess.

  • Ed: Hey buddy, what's wrong?

    Frank: [pumping shotgun] A lot.

  • Frank: Are you A.D.D. 'Juno'

    Roxy: Yes. I have A.D.D. And don't you ever call me fucking 'Juno' again.

    Frank: Sorry.

    Roxy: That's who we should kill next.

    Frank: A fictitious character?

    Roxy: No. Diablo Cody. Fuck her for writing that movie, she's the only stripper who suffers from too much self esteem.

  • Roxy: [after killing TV commentator] Exactly what part of his politics do you agree with?

    Frank: Less gun control, of course.

    Roxy: Well, Frank, then every nut would have a gun.

  • Roxy: Who you're killing next? Do you take requests? Because I was thinking maybe some Kardashians, my gym coach. People who give high fives. Really, any jock. Twihards. People who talk about punk rock. Who else really rips my cock off?

    Frank: Get off the bed!

    Roxy: Oh, Mormons and other religious assholes who won't let gay people be married. And adult women who call their tits the girls.

  • Roxy: [referring to Frank having killed Chloe] Tell me all about it!

    Frank: About what?

    Roxy: Did the bitch cry?

    Frank: Yeah.

  • Roxy: Did you just kill Chloe?

    Frank: [hurries past without responding]

    Roxy: Awesome!

  • Alison: [on phone with Frank] Brad and I are getting married.

    Frank: Well, tell Brad, uh... when he's down there to smell my balls, alright?

    Alison: [to Brad] Frank says hi.

  • Frank: [to the guy who sees him bathing in the car wash] The washing machine's broken. What?

  • Frank: Thanks for not talking during the feature. Thanks for turning off your cellphone.

    Kimberly Black: You're welcome.

  • Roxy: No, I don't high five.

    Frank: Mental high five?

    Roxy: Yeah, mental high five.

  • Roxy: So, are we gonna kill him?

    Frank: [Watching Frank's ex and daughter give the new husband a hard time] No. I want him to suffer.

    [They drive away]

  • Frank: [after the janitor vampire explodes as a result of Frank stabbing him in the heart] Wikipedia did not mention that.

  • Frank: You don't get this badge without dusting a few puncture monkeys.

  • Frank: Today we become men.

    Evan: Or vampires.

    Tim: Or dead.

  • Frank: [after Mark throws a jelly donut at his windshield] Stupid little shits!

  • Frank: So is that Aaron's car outside? I thought you weren't seeing him anymore?

    Cheri: I'm not.

    Frank: Then what's he doing back here?

    Cheri: We're just hanging out.

    Frank: Cheri, Cheri. I do not trust that guy.

    Cheri: So you said.

    Frank: Look at me. If he hits you again, I'll kill him.

    Cheri: I can take care of myself.

  • Molly Richardson: You think I'm bonking the old gent, don't you?

    Frank: Yeah, we do.

    Molly Richardson: Let me tell you something, handsome. If I were having sex with your Uncle Joe, he'd be dead by now.

  • [to Uncle Joe's British "nanny," Molly]

    Frank: I didn't like the Beatles and I don't like you!

  • Frank: Okay, Joe. Bare knuckles, toe to toe. We've spent 20 years eating your shit and saying, "Mmm, delicious! What a cook!" - no more!

  • Frank: What's the matter with you? Are you retarded?

    Dennis: Not according to the tests.

  • Molly Richardson: Monday nights I go to this newsstand to get the new TV Guide for Joe. He likes to get it as early as possible so he can circle everything he wants to watch.

    Frank: Does he circle your ass?

  • Daniel McTeague: I had no idea just how sick you guys were.

    Frank: Come spend a day with us.

    Daniel McTeague: I'd rather shove this club up my ass.

    Glen: I'll do it for you.

  • Frank: I'm insane? For five years I begged you, "Let's put him in a home!" No, you didn't want to because you didn't have the balls! None of you have any balls!

  • Bartlett: I'm sure this may come as a shock.

    Frank: No, shitting a sailboat is a shock, this is a fucking catastrophe!

  • Frank: Oh, my God, I feel so horrible, I could cut out my tongue.

    Glen: Here's a knife.

  • Nora McTeague: Stop it! Don't you see what's happening here?

    Tina: Yeah, you're out of scotch.

    Frank: Oh, Tina, go lie down.

  • Frank: I mean look at this. Her tongue is practically in his wallet.

  • Ed: Why don't we all agree to stop here.Let this bimbo have his money.I mean isn't our self respect worth more than any inheritance?

    Frank: No.

  • Carl: [Referring to Danny] He double crossed us.

    Daniel McTeague: [to his dad] Because they're scum.I mean they're greedy.

    Frank: We're greedy.We were willing to share!

  • Frank: [On hearing Joe's broke] Dammit!Stupid.Stupid.We played along.We should have stepped in five years ago!

    Bartlett: Two would have been enough.

  • Tina: [drunk] Happy birthday Uncle Joe!

    Frank: That was last week.

  • Frank: Look at these pictures she got of Glen and that gym instructor.

    Glen: [grabs photographs] That's not me.

    Frank: Well it looks like you and that's all that matters.

  • Frank: Stop! I've got a metal plate in my head.

    Danny McTeague: You do?

    Frank: No!

  • [confronting Jude about her pregnancy]

    Frank: Do you know if it's a boy?

    Otis: What do you care? You have a son.

    Frank: Or a girl! I'm just asking!

  • Lane: I hear Jude fucked you over. Me too. I'm Lane.

    Frank: Otis's girlfriend?

    Lane: No one told me. I already have a boyfriend. Rick. Asshole.

  • Jude: What's going on?

    Nicky: He knows you're just after his money. And I told him what you had over me, and he doesn't care that I'm gay.

    Frank: I care, I care, of course I care. It's not good news.

  • Jason: She's really something, it's just... I'm no good with girls.

    Frank: Oh, you're whipped!

    [imitates whipping]

    Jim: [interrupting] Frank! Sometimes I wish you didn't beat that cancer. I really do.

  • Ed Walters: Frank, this is Albert Einstein, the smartest man in the world.

    Frank: [greeting Einstein] How they hanging?

  • Frank: The FBI thinks it's organized crime.

    Jane Blue: Ah, the FBI thinks *everything* is organized crime.

  • Frank: You said you'd help out a little.

    Jeff Blue: Novacek's not "a little," Frank. She's a psycho.

  • Frank: C-22

    Jeff Blue: C-what?

    Jane Blue: Plastic explosive. The most powerful plastic ever developed. So unstable even the army won't use it.

    Jeff Blue: Oh, *that* C-22.

  • Frank: I swear I don't know where they are.

    Regina: Frank, do you want us to torture you, or what?

    Frank: You already are torturing me.

    Vicky: Don't hurt him, darling.

    Evelyn Roy: Frank, you have to tell us where they are. We have a major crisis on our hands.

    Lena: I'll let you borrow my boxing gloves, Frank.

    Frank: Oh Jeez.

  • April Epner: I know what I did to you, to you in particular. Kinda worst nightmare kind of thing, right? I knew that. Even at the time I knew that.

    Frank: What else?

    April Epner: I'll do it again, I will, I'll hurt you again and again. Not like that, you'd have to leave me if I hurt you like that. If we were together you would leave me if I hurt you like that again, wouldn't you?

    Frank: Yes. Yes, I would.

    April Epner: Good. But I'll hurt you in other ways, little ways, I won't mean to but I will. And sometimes I will mean to.

    Frank: This is quite an offer you've worked out.

    April Epner: You'll hurt me too, you know. You'll hurt me and change on me, you might even leave me after you promise you won't, how about that?

    Frank: I wouldn't.

    April Epner: But you might.

    Frank: But I wouldn't.

    April Epner: But... you might.

    Frank: Yeah, I guess I might.

  • Frank: Why are you talking so fast?

    April Epner: Because I don't think Jimmy Ray should know that I'm here.

    Frank: Well if we're going to be family he should probably know he didn't just dream you up half-naked in his house and besides he knows you're here.

    April Epner: No he doesn't! I was very careful to wait until he was a safe distance away.

    Jimmy Ray: Hi, Ms. Epner!

    April Epner: Hi, Jimmy Ray.

  • Frank: The walk didn't work. You're mother's here.

    April Epner: No she's not, I told her to wait in the car.

    [Frank drags her around the corner]

    Bernice Graves: I'm just here if either of you need me.

  • April Epner: Your wife was seeing someone else?

    Frank: Pretty much everyone else. I was too much for her.

    April Epner: Your wife? I'm sure she didn't feel that way.

    Frank: She told me.

    April Epner: What did she say?

    Frank: 'You're too much for me.'

    April Epner: Ugh.

  • Frank: You made love on the day we met?

    April Epner: [awkward pause] Ah, yeah... Sorry.

    [Frank looks around uncomfortably]

    April Epner: What happened?

    Frank: Um... I've gotta take a walk.

    April Epner: Really?

  • Sandy Brozinsky: Look, Frank. We're not just jerking you around. Some guys are after us because one of them stole a virus that's gonna kill and destroy all the plants and all the trees all the way around. We stole it back, so now they're gonna kill us. You get it?

    Frank: Jesus. The sixties sure were good to you, weren't they?

    Lauren Ames: Frank, that's right. Think back to the sixties. People did things for each other.

    Frank: They were wasted.

  • Frank: I'm busy bleedin'!

  • Thor: [about a beanbag] What colour would you say that chair is?

    Frank: That's a chair? I had no idea!

  • Frank: If my eyes are so blue; looking out, wouldn't everything be blue? Or have a blue tinge to it?

    [Closes his eyes then opens them again]

    Frank: See it doesn't look blue, it just looks normal.

  • Violet: What would you say are the most effective means to fight depression?

    Thor: Beer?

    Frank: No, beer's a downer! Cocktails! Hard liqueur and spirits is what really gives you a lift.

  • Jake - voice: My name is Zunar J 5 Slash 9 Doric 4 7.

    Frank: Uh, Z-Zunar...

    Jake - voice: ...Let's just stick with 'Jake', okay?

  • Dirt Farmer: You know, they go to all the trouble to kidnap somebody, I'd have kidnapped that Jake character from Evil Dead 2.

    Frank: My money'd have been on that blacksmith from Army of Darkness. Now that's one stud.

    Dirt Farmer: Damn straight.

    Frank: I wish I could quit you.

  • Frank: [Bruce Campbell accidentally bumps Dirt Farmer while dancing] You alright, honey?

  • [Casper and Ronja are having sex in the same bed as Frank, while he is trying to sleep]

    [subtitled version]

    Casper: Frank. Come on. Do something.

    Frank: What?

    Casper: She's fucking horny, come on.

    Frank: I want to sleep...

    Casper: She's done so much for us. We're in her house, she made pancakes, do something, damn it. - Finger her ass.

    Frank: Does she like that?

    Casper: Everybody does. Come on, stick a finger in her ass.

    Frank: [to Ronja] Would you like a finger in your ass?

    Casper: Do it, for fuck's sake!

    [Frank stick a finger in Ronjas ass, while she and Casper continues having sex]

  • Frank: I'd love to be a sex tourist in my own country.

  • Tommy Collins: Free Willy, Billy. Not Kill Willy, Billy.

    Frank: No, kill Tommy, Tommy

  • Fletch: What do you mean, toxic waste?

    Frank: Well, it's some special stuff. There's only eleven places in the country that makes this shit.

    Fletch: Where?... Frank, just give me the ones that aren't in New Jersey.

    Frank: Uh, there's only one.

  • Frank: You better be premenstral.

    Laurel Ayres: Baby, if I was premenstral, you'd be dead.

  • [Looking at cows]

    Roz: Oh, these are so cute!

    Frank: Honey, puppies are cute. These are just cheeseburgers with legs.

  • Frank: Honey, these are cops. They're like garbage men with guns.

  • Roz: Did you steal this from the house?

    Frank: No.

    Roz: Honey?

    Frank: Yes.

  • Frank: What are you looking for, a key?

    Roz: No, I'm lookin' for your brain.

    Frank: You think someone would actually leave a key?

    [Roz reaches above the door and finds a key]

    Roz: This key? Is this the key you're talkin' about? I'm just checkin'.

  • Frank: Remember when we had the map. Those were the fuckin' day weren't they. The map days

  • Frank: What do you say?

    Jean: I'm not going to fulfill your fantasies in the dentist chair!

    Frank: You never know. Might be fun.

    Jean: I promise tonight, in the bed.

  • Frank: You were supposed to show up here at 7:30 in the morning.

    Susan: Ah, in the morning, I thought you meant 7:30 at night.

    Frank: I'm not giving you anymore prescriptions, so you can just leave.

    Susan: I came here to get my tooth fixed. Now are you going to do that, or not?

  • Frank: A person can lose a lot of things. He can lose his soul. He can lose his life. But I've always said the worst thing a man can lose is his teeth. It's true, I should know.

  • Frank: I trust people, but I'm no dummy. I knew she was scamming me, and I should have thrown her out right then but I didn't. You see, that's the nature of attraction. You find yourself doing things, and you have no idea why, but you do them anyway.

  • Frank: What's the drift? You roll into town. You line up a few dentists or do you hit doctors too?

    Susan Ivey: Dentists are easier. They're dumber. No offense.

  • Frank: They say home is the place where when you get there they can't turn you away. I guess for my brother Harlan, I was home. I'd never done anything wrong to him, but somehow I always felt I owed him something.

  • Susan Ivey: Look at me. Take a good look. I can't even help myself. So, how can I help you?

    Frank: All you have to do is believe me.

  • Lance Phelps: There's no way that you did it.

    Frank: Yeah, I didn't.

    Lance Phelps: Yeah, of course not. Because... it's way too obvious. The audience would never believe it.

    Frank: What audience?

    Lance Phelps: You know. You know. Like if this was a movie.

    Frank: This is not a movie, Lance. This is real life.

    Lance Phelps: I know that. But do they know that?

    Frank: Who?

    Lance Phelps: You know. The audience.

  • Frank: The worst thing that could happen to a guy is to lose his teeth... that his unless he pulls them out himself.

  • Frank: [Discovering he's been framed for his brother's murder] Suddenly, there I was... seeing it all for the first time. Oh, she'd set me up, all right. Not just for Duane's murder. She'd gotten me for Harlan's too. My teeth marks were all over the body.

    Frank: [Trying to figure out what to do, he notices a bottle of Novocaine] Then I saw the solution. It was right there in front of me. Frank Sangster had to die... and his whole, perfect world along with him.

  • Frank: [Pulling his own teeth to fake his death] Strange as it may seem, it didn't hurt like I thought it would. In fact, with each tooth I pulled, I felt a little better... a little less trapped... a little more free. Until I felt so free that what I had to do didn't seem so bad at all.

  • Frank: Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.

    Professor Wagstaff: My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

  • Frank: Dad, two of the greatest football players in the country hang out in a speakeasy downtown.

    Professor Wagstaff: Are you suggesting that I, the president of Huxley College, go into a speakeasy without even giving me the address?

    Frank: It's at forty-two Elm Street, but you can't go there. It's unethical. It isn't right for a college to buy football players.

    Professor Wagstaff: It isn't, eh? Well, I'll nip that in the bud. How about coming along and having a nip yourself. Or better still, you wait here.

  • Professor Wagstaff: No doubt you would like to know why I am here. I came into this college to get my son out of it. I remember the day he left to come here, a mere boy and a beardless youth. I kissed them both goodbye. By the way, where is my son?

    [Looks around the room]

    Professor Wagstaff: Young lady, would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise?

    [Young lady stands up, underneath, Zeppo rises]

    Professor Wagstaff: So, doing your home work in school, eh?

    Frank: Hello, old timer!

  • Frank: There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.

    Professor Wagstaff: There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her!

  • Frank: Dad, this college has had a new president every year since 1888.

    Professor Wagstaff: Yeah.

    Frank: And that's the year we won our last football game. Now, I like education as well as the next fellow.

    Professor Wagstaff: Well, move over and I'll talk to the next fellow.

    Frank: But a college needs something else besides education. And what this college needs is a good football team and you can't have a good football team unless you have good football players.

    Professor Wagstaff: My boy... I think you've got something there.

  • Frank: Anything further, Father?

    Professor Wagstaff: Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it anything farther, further?

  • Frank: Dad wants me to give you up. You know, you're interfering with my studies.

    Connie: Ha-ha-ha. He must think I'm terrible.

    Frank: But I think you're wonderful. You're beautiful.

    Connie: Are you making love to me?

  • Professor Wagstaff: So! I caught you at last. Then you are fooling around with this woman. Oh, the shame of it! That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father!

    Frank: Dad, I can...

    Professor Wagstaff: Enough of this. You leave here immediately and I'll stay here and settle with this woman. And as soon as we're settled, we'll have you over for dinner. On second thought, I'll go with you. Come, follow me.

  • Professor Wagstaff: Listen you bunch of butterfingered milk saps! The way you're playing you couldn't beat a girls basketball team. We've gotta win this game! You understand? Even if we have to use our star player, number 37. You remember her, don't ya? The quarterback gets the ball, goes around left end and make a lateral pass to the right guards.

    Frank: Hey, Dad...

    Professor Wagstaff: Wait a minute! Boys, if you can't beat that bunch of half witted goofs...

    Frank: Hey, Dad...

    Professor Wagstaff: What do you want?

    Frank: Well, you're talking to the wrong team.

    Professor Wagstaff: I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me!

  • Frank: I knew a guy once. He could fart in German.

  • Frank: There's not a man in this yard would piss on you if you were on fire.

  • Danny Campbell: You know, I can have a go at the channel, too.

    Frank: Think you're up to it?

    [Holds up his arms to show his muscles]

    Danny Campbell: Definitely!

  • Frank: Things aren't meant to be fixed now a days. Not by you any way.

  • Frank: But this is Confederate money!

    Backwoodsman: That's the kind they use in the hills, it's as good as yours, ain't it?

    Frank: But this quarter - it don't ring!

    Backwoodsman: Whaddaya want for two bits - sleigh bells?

  • Gaylord Ravenal: [singing] Who cares if my boat goes upstream? Or if the gale bids me go with the river's flow? I drift along with my fancy; sometimes I thank my lucky stars my heart is free...

    Frank: [as Ellie looks admiringly after Gaylord] What are you lookin' at?

    Ellie May Chipley: Bet he's some aristocrat.

    Frank: Yeah? Look at the cracks in his shoes.

    Gaylord Ravenal: [singing] ... and other times I wonder, where's the mate for me?

  • Carey: Are you going to get married?

    Frank: No, just engaged.

  • Frank: Do we really have to listen to this vagina music all the way there?

    AmeliaLaura: [together] YES!

  • Sam: Sweet 'stache.

    Frank: Thanks, bro.

  • Frank: (on the phone with Hannah) I'm wearing a mustache now. It's growin' in real good.

  • Frank: My perfect partner is me.

    Martha: You?

    Frank: Yeah, me... with breasts.

  • Frank: [to Laurence about Daniel] I didn't know he wore khaki trousers.

  • [Making up after their fist fight]

    Frank: This is what women feel like when they give birth.

    Daniel: Yeah, except my hand kind of hurts.

  • Frank: Everyone has sex on aeroplanes.

  • Frank: There's nothing more boring than looking at paintings. Only reason anyone ever comes to an art gallery is to get laid.

  • Frank: That's the point. I love both of them - the good and the bad.

    Rod: And the ugly.

  • Frank: She's a con man

    Rod: So?

    Frank: That's bad

    Rod: Mate, your hair is bad. This, this is exciting.

  • Frank: Please say it, say those three words, just three.

    Miranda: Fuck off...


    Miranda: now

  • Frank: I had always wanted to know what those love songs were all about, now I know why they are all sad.

  • Frank: Maybe she was kidnapped.

    Rod: Maybe she just... left. Life's a bitch.

    Frank: I know.

    Rod: And life has a lot of sisters.

  • Miranda: Will you go with me?

    Frank: Why?

    Miranda: Because you make me want to run in the fields.

    Frank: But... why?

    Miranda: Because I need you.

    Frank: Yeah. But why?

    Miranda: Because I love you.

  • Frank: Maybe I was in love with a woman who didn't exist. It was ridiculous.

  • Frank: When we were together, I didn't care if I had ever been told a truth in my life.

  • Frank: Love is a powerful force. Romeo topped himself... so that Cleopatra... Samson pulled down an entire city to win Delilah. Love conquers everything. And yet, there are times when even love itself is powerless. At those times, I prefer to use a breadboard.

  • Frank: She's a con man.

    Rod: And?

    Frank: It's bad!

    Rod: No, Frank, your hair... is bad. She is exciting. No, no... she's beyond exciting. She's... she's international. Get out there, conquer it.

    Frank: I can't.

    Rod: Why not?

    Frank: I'm a librarian.

    Rod: Frank, you're clinging to the past. You haven't even got one. You just... stayed in.

    [Frank begins narrating during a montage]

    Frank: He was right. That's all I did. I stayed in. Read books. Until I met her. And what had I done? I panicked. I'd thrown it away. In one month with her... I'd been kidnapped... we'd made 5 million quid from a psychopath. I was alive, electrified by raw, painful, horrible, glorious life. I was in love with 2 women. And that was fine... because both of them were her.

    [Frank is now talking to Rod while driving]

    Frank: That's the thing, I don't just love the girl with the brown eyes who laid beside me by the sea. I love the girl with the blue eyes as well. The one in London.

    Rod: What was her name?

    Frank: Miranda! That's the point! I love both of them. The good and the bad.

    Rod: And the ugly.

  • Frank: [taking a deep breath] Would you like to go for a drink?

    Miranda: No. Why?

    Frank: You know, when people say the've seen miracles? Amazing things like, you know, they say they've seen the face of the virgin Mary. But it ain't, it's just a piece of coal or something.

    Miranda: Yeah?

    Frank: Well, what's important is, they've witnessed something of such humongously large, religous proportions, that their whole life just - shimmers.

    Miranda: Yeah.

    Frank: That's me, that is.

    [very serious]

    Frank: *You* are my virgin Mary... coal... thing.

    [long pause]

    Frank: I just wanna sit beside you in a bar. Go on then, say no. I know you're gonna say it.

    Miranda: Allright then. One drink, no fuck.

  • Frank: There she was. The American Dream. The wet one.

  • Frank: She hit me like a truck.


    Frank: Okay, a bit more gracefully. But it hurt more.

  • Frank: 2000 people disappear each week. By 2076, There will be no one left. Except me.

  • Frank: [Narrating] She wore a Mac. Like those old detective movies where the women used to kiss and chew gum at the same time... I loved her. I didn't know anything about her, but I loved her.

  • Frank: [Miranda's handbag vibrates across the table] Your bag's wobbling. What's in it?

    Miranda: Phone.

  • Frank: [Playing his guitar and singing] And it's you, Miranda. Wherever I wander, I'll find her. From New York, to Uganda. Miranda. Got eyes like a Panda. Miranda. If you were a plane, I'd land ya'. Miranda.

  • Frank: [Narrating... as Miranda lightly strokes neck of his guitar] There she was. In my room. Like she owned it. Everything she touched became rude.

  • Miranda: I don't want sex.

    Frank: I didn't ask... I think people should, um, get to know each other better before they have sex.

    Miranda: In what way?

    Frank: Well, you know, like, um... 'What's your favorite color?'

    [Miranda ponders for a second then starts to snicker]

  • Frank: What are you thinking about?

    Miranda: My dad.

    Frank: What's he like?

    Miranda: He was, um...

    Frank: Really horrible?

    Miranda: Yeah... he killed our dog.

    Frank: Why?

    Miranda: Because I loved it more than him.

    Frank: Never knew my parents.

  • Frank: [Narrating] I go to the shop for two bars of chocolate, 20 cigarettes, a packet of condoms, and a pint of milk. We have a competition to see which we could finish first. Usually it was the chocolates, followed by the condoms, then the cigarettes. The milk lasted longest. It was long life. I always buy stuff with preservatives in it. Makes you live longer.

  • Frank: [Narrating] That night she went missing. Didn't know where. She didn't say, and I didn't ask. But wherever she went, it must have been a very sad place. Because... when she came back, a part of her had gone. Forever.

  • Frank: [Narrating] Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy wakes up, and girl's fucked off in a taxi. She was gone. 2:15, 3:15, 4:15... Even Jesus came back after three days. And he was dead.

  • Frank: [Narrating] She said she was a dancer. She wasn't. She said she was a brunette. She wasn't. She said, "What you see is what you get." It wasn't. She lied. But so what? When we were together I didn't care if I'd ever been told the truth in my life.

  • Miranda: When I ran away from my dad's, I lived in New Jersey. And then Christian came along. And he was kind... And funny. He taught me to do these card tricks, that I could do in bars, you know, make myself some money. And it was easy. I wasn't *taking* people's money, they just... they just *gave* it to me. It's like, for the first time, I was really good at something. And then it just grew. We sell people buildings. They don't even exist. It's like whatever we say, just becomes true. If Christian told you it was sunny, you'd believe him. The rain could be coming down so hard your head's bleeding. And there you are, smiling up at the sun. It's amazing.

    Frank: [Not impressed] It's a con.

    Miranda: [Shrugging] It's what I do. It's who I am.

  • Frank: [Narrating] So there you go. Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy helps girl make 5 million quid from some pervert. It just didn't feel right.

  • Frank: [Narrating] She wrapped herself around me like a vine. Wild as the sea. And yet so fragile. It could take your breath away...

    Frank: [Miranda burps] Literally... In that moment, I loved her with all my heart.

  • Frank: [Narrating] And there you have it. You've gotta' be careful what you wish for. It might come true.

  • Mitch Reed: How you doin'?

    Frank: Swell. Who are you?

    Mitch Reed: Excuse me, did you ask "how" am I or "who" am I?

    Frank: "Who," not "how."

    Mitch Reed: Don't wanna know "how," just the "who."

    Frank: Right, just "who". FORGET "how."

  • Stelle: Frank, this is Karl. Karl is a friend of mine.

    Frank: Oh, of course. We've remained very good friends, too, didn't we?

  • [pretending the Nevada Gaming Commission is racist]

    Frank: They might as well call it whitejack!

  • [watching Yen prepares to somersault onto the vault]

    Turk Malloy: Ten says he shorts it.

    FrankLivingstonSaul: Twenty!

  • [Shaking Billy Tim Denham's hand at Denham's car dealership]

    Frank: You have lovely hands. Do you moisturize?

    Billy Tim Denham: I'm Sorry?

    Frank: [as he slowly crushes Denham's hand in his grip] You know, I've tried all sorts of moisturizers. I even went fragrance free for a whole year. Now my sister, she uses some kind of uh... uh... uh... uh... aloe vera with a little sunscreen in it, and ideally, we should all wear gloves when going to bed, but I found out that that creates a kind of an interference with my... "social agenda", you know what I mean.

  • [Yen does the real somersault]

    Frank: Ten says he shorts it.

    Livingston: No bet.

  • [after Bill shoots the golf cart, triggering Frank's heart attack]

    Bill Foster: What's wrong?

    Frank: My - heart...

    Bill Foster: Well, what can I do about it?

    Frank: Pills... get p-pills...

    Bill Foster: Where are your pills?

    [Frank points towards the cart, which has just plunged into a water hazard]

    Bill Foster: Bad news. Your little car's gonna drown. And you're gonna die, wearing that stupid hat. How does it feel?

  • Frank: Listen, what am I paying my fucking dues for? This is my golf course! If I wanna play here, I will play here. If he gets hit with my titleist, that's his fucking problem. Fore! Fore!

    [Hits ball]

    Bill Foster: [the ball barely misses his head; whips out shotgun] Five! What the hell are you trying to do? Kill me with a golf ball? It's not enough you have all these beautiful acres fenced in for your little game, but you gotta kill me with a golf ball? You should have children playing here, you should have families having picnics, you should have a goddamn petting zoo. But instead you've got these stupid electric carts for you old men with nothing better to do.

    [Fires his shotgun at a golf cart, causing it to roll down the hill]

    Bill Foster: Now aren't you ashamed?

  • Jim Bennett: I've been up two and a half million dollars.

    Frank: What you got on you?

    Jim Bennett: Nothing.

    Frank: What you put away?

    Jim Bennett: Nothing.

    Frank: You get up two and a half million dollars, any asshole in the world knows what to do: you get a house with a 25 year roof, an indestructible Jap-economy shitbox, you put the rest into the system at three to five percent to pay your taxes and that's your base, get me? That's your fortress of fucking solitude. That puts you, for the rest of your life, at a level of fuck you. Somebody wants you to do something, fuck you. Boss pisses you off, fuck you! Own your house. Have a couple bucks in the bank. Don't drink. That's all I have to say to anybody on any social level. Did your grandfather take risks?

    Jim Bennett: Yes.

    Frank: I guarantee he did it from a position of fuck you. A wise man's life is based around fuck you. The United States of America is based on fuck you. You're a king? You have an army? Greatest navy in the history of the world? Fuck you! Blow me. We'll fuck it up ourselves.

  • [from trailer]

    [repeated line]

    Frank: Fuck You

  • [after learning of Jim's situation]

    Frank: What's wrong with you? You got brain damage?

  • Frank: If I give you this money and you don't pay me back, there are no rules. Do you understand the gravity of your situation?

    Jim Bennett: I know what I have to do.

  • Frank: I'm still here, Chief.

  • Frank: I'm not a cop, I'm a firefighter.

  • Frank: [Frank & Valenti are on a stakeout. Valenti slurps the last of his drink and tosses the cup into the back seat] You do understand that this is my car, not yours, right?

  • [Recurring line, to Ed]

    Big Dave BrewsterFrank: What kind of a man are you?

  • Ed: Frank.

    Frank: Huh?

    Ed: This hair.

    Frank: Yeah.

    Ed: You ever wonder about it?

    Frank: Whuddya mean?

    Ed: I don't know... How it keeps on coming. It just keeps growing.

    Frank: Yeah, lucky for us, huh pal?

    Ed: No, I mean it's growing, it's part of us. And we cut it off. And we throw it away.

    Frank: Come on, Eddie, you're gonna scare the kid.

    Ed: I'm gonna take his hair and throw it out in the dirt.

    Frank: What the...

    Ed: I'm gonna mingle it with common house dirt.

    Frank: What the hell are you talking about?

    Ed: I don't know. Skip it.

  • Frank: Did you pump it? You can't pump it. That'll just flood it.

    Customer: Ya gotta pump it. Ya can't just hold it down. *That'll* flood it.

    Frank: You crazy? You pumped it?

    Customer: Well, ya can't hold it down.

    Frank: Just turn the key.

    Customer: Not when it's cold.

    Frank: Well, if it's cold, choke it.

    Customer: And pump it.

  • Frank: I never want to see another blueberry pie. I never even want to hear those words. Don't say those words Ed! Don't say those words...

  • Tonny: I once ejaculated a girl in the face, and she wanted me to piss it off.

    Frank: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ejaculated a girl in the face, and she wanted you to piss it off?

    Tonny: Yeah.

    Frank: [laughing] Pervert! That's fucking sick!

    Tonny: It is not?

    Frank: It's fucking sick, man. Who was she?

    Tonny: Your mother.

  • Vic: What are you watching?

    Frank: Just some stupid movie with Johnny Depp.

    Vic: Who's that?

  • Tonny: What's with you and Vic?

    Frank: I'm fucking her.

    Tonny: Is she "the one"?

    Frank: No. She's a hooker. My girlfriend shouldn't be a hooker.

    Tonny: Is she wild in bed?

    Frank: Yeah, she's alright.

    Tonny: Does she moan alot?

    Frank: I'm not fucking telling you.

  • Frank: [pulls a gun] I need your money and your drugs.

    Mike: Oh, man. Now you've lost it.

  • Frank: What the fuck is this?

    Brian: What does it look like?

    Frank: It's a gun. What's a gun doing here?

    [throws the gun to Tonny]

    Brian: Can I get it back?

    Frank: No, not right now.

  • Frank: [jumps into the lake] Fuck!

    Cop: Get up here!

    Frank: Dive in, boys!

    Cop: Damnit!

    Cop: Get out of there!

    Cop: Get up here!

    Frank: If you want me, come down and get me! Come on, fuckheads!

  • Frank: [while beating a junkie] Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? You fucking junkie!

  • Radovan: [threatening the junkie] You got any idea how you're gonna raise the money? No?

    Radovan: [pulls out a shotgun and gives it to the junkie] I got an idea. You go down to the bank and ask for the money.

    Frank: He can't rob a bank!

    Radovan: of course he can. Anyone can rob a bank.

    Frank: He can't even hold that shotgun! Look at him, for Christ sake!

    Radovan: He can and he will!

    Frank: It's four o'clock, the banks are closed.

    Radovan: [ignoring Frank] He gets the money, problem solved.

    Frank: He can't do it, he's to scared.

    Radovan: Sure he can! Which bank? FRANK? Which bank?

    Frank: I don't care.

    Radovan: [to the junkie] Which bank do you use?

    Junkie: The Amager Bank.

    Radovan: Not that one, then. It would be stupid to rob you're own bank.

    Frank: There's no other bank in this area. The Jyde Bank? Or how about...

    Radovan: [interrupts him] The Jyde Bank is fine!

    Frank: [the junkie starts to threaten Frank and Radovan with the shotgun] Take it easy!

    Junkie: Frank, for fuck sake!

    Radovan: [Radovan beats up the junkie] You fucking dickhead! You don't got he balls for that! Even if you had shot one of us, the other would have blown out your brains! Fucking dickhead! Get up! GET UP!

    Junkie: Okay, okay. Just give me a line. I need some coke.

    Radovan: You'll get a line when I have my money.

    Frank: Come on, give him a line.

    Radovan: When I got my money! Then, he can have a line!

    [BOOM! The junkie shoots himself]

  • Frank: Listen to Dito. He knows when it's time to go.

  • Frank: How loud is this fucking city?

  • Frank: But then, I'm drunk by 8 p.m.

    Mike: It's noon.

    Frank: Hey, I'm ahead of the game!

  • Stan: You know what Vera's like. She finds a young fellow, lives on his own, no family. Wants him to move in with us, gives him his tea.

    Frank: She's got a heart of gold that woman.

    Stan: She's a diamond.

    Frank: You're a lucky man.

  • Latisha Rogers: You know smoking kills sperm cells?

    Frank: Ha! Ya hungry?

    Latisha Rogers: Yeah.

    Frank: Let's go get fat.

  • Frank: Well it used to be witches. At least they don't burn you.

  • Frank: Hey, gimme a coupla' serious Irish cops, cigars in their mouth, go out there...

    Bobby Gold: That's right...

    Frank: go bring their man in...

    Bobby Gold: ...s'right.

    Frank: n' spare me the fuckin' FBI.

  • Frank: [to Kevin] Brother or bitch? What you're gonna be?

  • [first lines]

    Frank: Alright, like I said before, I wouldn't make you pussies do anything I wouldn't do first.

  • Ted Lemont: John, I gotta admit, something doesn't seem right here... So spill it.

    Frank: Sir, I see you have a beautiful family, have you thought about starting some sort of a retirement plan for the future of your wife and ki...

    Ted Lemont: Quiet! I was only talking to John... So talk to me John.

  • Young Noah: [raising fists in air] Dad! God... I stammered!

    Frank: Stammered, stuttered... what's the difference. You couldn't understand a damn thing he said.

    [Allie laughing]

    Frank: Anyway, I got him to read some poetry aloud and pretty soon his stuttering went away.

    Young Allie: Well, that's a good idea that poetry.

  • Frank: Say, how would you like some breakfast? Would you like some breakfast?

    Young Allie: Breakfast?

    Frank: Yeah!

    Young Noah: Dad, it's ten o'clock.

    Frank: Well, what's that got to do with it, you can have pancakes any damn time of night you want! Come on in, you want some breakfast?

    Young Allie: Sure!

  • Frank: Well, Mr. Calho... What am I? *Old* or something? You can call me Frank.

  • Frank: [Allie painted Noah a picture] Now that's a damn painting that is.

  • Frank: [Allie painted Noah a picture] Now that's a damn picture there!

  • Donnie: Why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?

    Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

  • Frank: 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, 12 seconds. That is when the world will end.

    Donnie: Why?

  • Donnie: What happened to your eye?

    Frank: I'm so sorry.

  • Donnie: How can you do that?

    Frank: I can do anything I want. And so can you.

  • Donnie: Frank. When's this gonna stop?

    Frank: You should already know that.

  • Frank: Wake up.

  • Donnie: Where did you come from?

    Frank: Do you believe in time travel?

  • Frank: Come closer.

  • Frank: I've been watching you.

  • Frank: Have you ever seen a portal?

  • Frank: Don't worry. You got away with it.

  • Frank: What were you guys doing in the middle of the road, huh? What are you thinking?

  • Frank: I want you to watch the movie screen. There's something I want to show you.

  • Frank: Is she dead?... What were you guys doing in the middle of the road, huh? What are you thinking?

    [Donnie shoots Frank]

    Donnie: [Close to tears, to Frank's passenger] Go home! Go home and tell your parents everything's going to be OK. Go!

  • Frank: McRomance. Want some fries with that shake?

  • Frank: The only Valentine's Day cards I get are from my mother. How pathetic is that?

  • [Jim starts yelling to Frank at how bad of an idea it is to go through the underground tunnel]

    Jim: Oh, no. No, see-see, this is a really shit idea. You know why? Because it's really obviously a shit idea. So, we're just gonna drive in the tunnel full of fuckin' smashed cars and broken glass. It's really fuckin' obviously a shit idea!

    Frank: [Frank sees a wreckage of cars, screaming] Hold on!

  • [Frank finds a crate of fresh apples in a pile of rotting produce]

    Frank: Mmm... Irradiated.

  • [Frank shows Jim all of the empty buckets on the rooftop]

    Frank: You'd never think it... needing rain so badly. Not in fucking England!

  • [Jim lectures Frank about getting a flat tire in the underground tunnel]

    Jim: The world's worst place to get a flat, huh?

    Frank: Agreed. I think we'd better do this quick.

  • [Frank looks up to a balcony and sees a crow eating off a dead body]

    Frank: Get out of it!

    Frank: [Frank stands] Get out of it!

    [as Frank kicks the fence below, a drop of blood drips down from the body and into his eye]

  • [Frank turns on the meter to the taxi car as the group makes their way towards Manchester]

    Frank: Just so you know, I don't take checks or credit cards.

  • [Frank reads the description on the single malt whiskey bottle]

    Frank: 'Takes out the fire, but leaves in the warmth.'

  • [Frank wakes up Jim in the middle of the night while seeing him have a nightmare]

    Frank: Shh! You're having a bad dream, that's all.

    Jim: Thanks, Dad.

  • [Jim wakes up to the sound of Frank's car horn]

    Selena: [Jim holds his baseball bat] Come on, sleepyhead! Come on, Babe Ruth.

    Frank: Hurry up.

    Jim: [Jim gets in the car] Oh, no. Did I miss breakfast!

  • [Frank tells Hannah his last words before becoming infected]

    Frank: Hannah, I love you very much.

    Hannah: What?

    Frank: [Frank quietly warns Hannah] Keep away from me. Stay where you are.

    Hannah: Dad?

    Frank: [Frank begins shouting] Keep away from me!

    Hannah: Dad?

    Frank: [Frank dashes to Hannah and pushes her to the ground] Keep away from me! Keep away from me! Keep away! Keep away!

    Hannah: Dad!

  • [Frank asks for Selena and Jim's opinion before entering the underground tunnel]

    Frank: What do you think?

    Selena: It's the most direct route to the other side of the river.

    Jim: No - No - No, then we should take the most indirect route. The one that's in broad daylight and that's not underground.

    Frank: [Frank presses on the gas of the car] Let's just get it done.

  • [Frank talks to Selena when they arrive to the empty Army blockade]

    Frank: We have to go.

    Selena: Yeah.

    Frank: [Frank yells] Go fucking where!

  • Jim: Are you with the American Fleet?

    Frank: American Fleet! Looks like you lost your shirt kid.

  • Frank: [Frank and Basie see Japanese men dancing in the house] Damn it Basie, they're Japs

    Basie: I can see that Frank, back out of here.

    Frank: I can't back out, there's no reverse

    Basie: Just go foward

    Frank: Come on.

  • Karl: Just 'cause I ain't gonna be around no more, maybe, don't mean that I don't care for you.

    Frank: I care 'bout you too, but you'll be around. Don't say that.

    Karl: Doesn't matter where I was to be. We'll always be friends. You and me made friends right off the bat. Don't nobody ever change that. I kindly want to put my arm around you, then I'm gonna get up out of here and leave.

    [Puts his arm around Frank]

    Karl: I love you, boy.

  • Frank: You ever have any brothers or sisters growing up?

    Karl Childers: I had one there for a little while. But, uh, it didn't get old enough for me to play with it.

    Frank: Why not? It die?

    Karl Childers: Yes, Sir.

    Frank: Why?

    Karl Childers: It got born too early. My mother and father made it come out too early some how or other.

    Frank: So it died when it came out?

    Karl Childers: My daddy came out to the shed and got me. He said, "Here, take this and throw it away", and he handed me a towel with something or another in it. Well I started for that barrel and I opened up the towel 'cause there was a noise. Something a-moving around in there. The towel was all bloody-like all around it there. It was a lil' ol' baby not no bigger than a squirrel.

    Frank: A girl or a boy?

    Karl Childers: It was a little ol' boy.

    Frank: You threw it in the trash barrel?

    Karl Childers: Well that didn't seem right to me, so I went in the shed and got me a shoe box and emptied out all the washers and nuts and screws and whatnot that were in it and I takened the little fellar and put him inside the box and buried him right there in a corner of the yard. That seemed more proper to me, I reckon.

    Frank: Was it still alive when you buried it?

    Karl Childers: I heared it a-cryin' through that box.

    Frank: That don't seem right. Seems like you would have kept him and taken care of him if he was your brother.

    Karl Childers: I wasn't but 6 or 8. I don't reckon I knew what to do. I didn't know how to care for no baby. My mother and father didn't want him and they learned me to do what they told me. These days I reckon it's better to give him back to the Good Lord anyhow.

  • Frank: Ever think of killing yourself on purpose like my daddy done?

    Karl: I studied about it. The Bible says you ought not to. It says if you do that, you go off to Hades. Some folks call it Hell, I call it Hades.

  • Frank: I'd like to kill that son-of-a-bitch. I hate him.

    Karl: You ought not talk that way. You just a boy.

  • Frank: Hey Karl, what are you carryin' around them books for?

    Karl: I ain't got no place to set 'em down.

  • Doyle: What am I supposed to do about supper while you're out runnin' around with that fag?

    Linda: You're not crippled, get in there and make it yourself.

    Doyle: Talkin' back and everything. That kinda makes me horny, Linda.

    Linda: Frank, maybe you better go play in your room if Doyle's gonna talk nasty.

    Frank: I don't wanna go play in my room.

    Doyle: He don't wanna go play in his room. Let's all just sit here and be a family. Until your mentally retarded friend and your homosexual friend get here.

  • Doyle: Frank's a weak little kid. His daddy taught him how to be a pussy.

    Frank: Stop it, Doyle! Don't talk about my daddy.

    Doyle: "Don't talk about my daddy". Go on and get up outta here. Go out to the garage and let me be. Go on now, get!

  • Frank: Mama's got a boyfriend now. His name is Doyle Hargraves. He works construction so he makes a pretty good living, but he don't help Mama out with any money though. He ain't no good. He's mean to her. He don't like me at all. Mama says it's 'cause he's jealous that I belong to my Daddy instead of him. He spends the night at our house sometimes and he's got his own house, somebody told me it's where he can have more girlfriends. I like it on the nights he ain't at our house. I ain't so nervous then.

    Karl: How come her still being girlfriends and all with him if he's mean to her?

    Frank: She says it's for the times he's good to her. She's lonely since Daddy died, sometimes she says she don't know why. He threatened to kill her if she ever left him. My daddy would kill him if he were still here and somebody was mean to Mama. Vaughan, he's real good to Mama. Vaughan that you met. But he's not able to do anything to Doyle. He's funny, you know. Not funny "Ha-Ha", funny queer. He likes to go with men instead of women. That makes him not able to fight too good. He sure is nice, though. He's from St. Louis, people who are queer get along better in a big town. I wish he liked to go with women, I'd rather he be Mama's boyfriend than Doyle.

  • Karl: [Eating potted meat] I reckon it tastes alright.

    Frank: You really think it's got peckers in there?

    Karl: You know better than that. You ought not say that word.

    Frank: It smells funny.

    Karl: Yeah, it's pretty loud. Looky there. I believe you right. I believe I see one right in there.

    [They laugh]

  • Doyle: I don't guess I give a shit. I ain't here that much so if you want a retard living out in the garage, I guess that's your business. But I do got some tools and a set of socket wreches out there I'd rather not have stolen.

    Frank: He's real honest. He wouldn't steal nothing.

    Doyle: Frankie, I wasn't talking to you, now was I? I was talking to your Mama. It's her decision, not yours. If I let it go on it's because she said so, not you!

  • Doyle: You know what, by God?

    Linda: What?

    Doyle: I know what I oughta do tonight.

    Linda: Please don't.

    Doyle: Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna call up Morris and have him get the band together. We're gonna have a party. Party our asses off. I'd love to show them that damn Karl. They'd get a real kick out of him. You know they would.

    Linda: Please, Doyle, not tonight. They always stay until morning, I'll just give out.

    Doyle: You ain't gotta do nothing, Linda. Just put some chips in a bowl and run ice out to us when we look low.

    Frank: Last time you got angry and ran Morris and them off and told them to stay away from here.

    Doyle: That ain't none of your damn business, besides, that's the way friends do one another! Fuck it, I'm calling them up.

  • Vaughan Cunningham: Listen, everyone, I've had a few glasses of wine and that tends to make me emotional. It came over me in a rush. I just want you to know that I care about each and every person at this table.

    Linda: Thank you, Vaughan. We care about you too, don't we?

    MelindaFrankAlbert: Yes.

    Karl: Yes, Sir.

  • Vaughan Cunningham: [about potted meat] They aren't moving too well, but I'll tell you what, I'll give a couple cans free to the right kid.

    Frank: I don't like potted meat. Daddy used to say they was made out of lips, peckers and intestines.

    Linda: Frank, don't talk that way.

    [about Karl]

    Linda: Who's that strange looking man? He follow you in here?

  • Frank: My mum said you came to see me when I was in hospital. She um... She thinks that... That you're my girl. Would that be so bad. Because I...

    Eleanor: It would be fatal.

    Frank: Look... I know - I know I'm ill and all, but...

    Eleanor: No. For me.

  • Frank: I'm afraid.

    Eleanor: Don't be.

  • Adele: I can't give you a family.

    Frank: You already have.

  • Frank: You're a fine boy, Henry. Anyone who says otherwise is not worth your time.

  • Frank: Kathy? K, is that you?

    Kathy: [on the phone with her brother Frank, She is very upset] Yeah.

    Frank: Mom said you sounded strange on the phone. What's going on?

    Kathy: I need help. I really need some help.

    Frank: What's wrong?

    Kathy: Do you think you could just come out here? Please?

    Frank: K, I'm sorry. I just got a real shit storm here. We just got the new models in, there's inventory...

    [to co-worker]

    Frank: I'll be right there. Just give me a second here.

    Kathy: I just feel lost, Frankie. You know? I just, um... I just feel lost.

    Frank: Look, Ma and the aunts will be out there on the 18th. They can help you, bring you back, straighten you out. Okay? I'm sorry, K, but I gotta go. Okay?

    Kathy: Okay... Yeah.

    Frank: All right. Chin up, baby sister. I'll call you later.

    Kathy: Okay. Hey, don't tell Mom, all right?

    [clicks, dial tone]

    Kathy: ...Okay, bye.

    [Crying and whimpering in frustration over her inability to explain to her brother why she needs help]

    Kathy: FUCK!

  • Jimmy: Frank, isn't it a little late to be playing this song?

    Frank: It's only 8:30.

    Jimmy: It's March.

  • Frank: So what do we do now?

    Ben Brigade: Sit there and watch your brother hang.

    Frank: You don't mean that.

    Ben Brigade: Don't I?

    Frank: He's only a boy!

    Ben Brigade: He's as old as his gun.

    Frank: It's me you're after, Brigade. You got no quarrel with Billy.

    Ben Brigade: What quarrel did you have with *her*?

    Frank: That was a long time ago. I almost forgot.

    Ben Brigade: A man can do that.

  • Grant Anderson: I'm quite aware of your policies. I'm more than aware of your fucking policies.

    [Kristy leads Frank down the hallway, past a devastated Grant]

    Frank: [as a play-by-play announcer] Well, once again, Nurse Kristy is taking me back to the second floor. The area to my right are the elevators, and as we go on down the hall, there's a man with a broken heart, broken in a thousand pieces. Well, we'll go to Madeleine's office, past the lunch room. Hopefully, they're serving right now. The cannelloni was cold yesterday, but let's see what it's doing today. Let's have - I gotta have some Cokes again. That's what I'm gonna do.

  • Frank: Life gives you lots of opportunities. Baseball only gives you one.

  • Juanita: Ever since I realized, there was someone called a colored girl or an evil woman, a bitch or a nag I been trying not to be that and leave bitterness in somebody else's cup. Come to somebody to love me without deep and nasty smelling scars from lye or being left screaming in a street of lunatics whispering, 'Slut, bitch, bitch. Nigga, get out of here with all of that.' I didn't have any of that for you. I brought you what joy I found. And I found joy. And then there's that woman who hurt you. And who you left three or four times. And then you went back after you put my heart in the bottom of your shoe. You just walked back to where you hurt and I didn't have nothing. So I went to where somebody had something for me, but none of them were you. I got a real dead loving here for you now, 'cause I don't know anymore how to avoid my own face wet with my tears because I had convinced myself that colored girls have no right to sorrow. I lived for you. I know I did it for myself, but I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand being sorry and colored at the same time. It's so redundant in the modern world.

    Frank: I guess this is goodbye.

    Juanita: Like you've never seen it before.

  • Juanita: I got a real dead loving here for you now, because I don't know anymore how to avoid my own face wet with my tears! Because I had convinced myself that colored girls have no right to sorrow!

    Frank: I guess this is goodbye.

    Juanita: Like you've never seen it before.

  • Frank: Somebody was boring me, I think it was me.

  • Frank: There's only two kinds of men in this hell...

  • Joe: With your record you could do a year on this.

    Frank: What can I say, I fucked up! I get in a violent way, look around a room, I wanna bust it all up!

  • Frank: I see a guy like that, I want him to look at me cross-eyed!

  • Joe: You got a place to stay? You got money?

    Frank: I already took forty dollars from your wallet.

  • Frank: The bigger they come, the harder they fall.

  • Frank: What are you doing here? D'you come here to fucking guilt me to death?

  • Frank: [leering at a large-built woman] D'you have a nice walk up here?

  • Joe: This place looked better when I had it.

    Frank: I'll bet it did. You know why? Because you had fire in you.

  • Joe: [about how he used to own farmland] I burned.

    Frank: Land must churn

    Joe: I burned!

    Frank: It's always turned.

    Joe: I burned!

    Frank: They took what you earned.

    Joe: [Grins] Lesson learned.

    Frank: [Smiles back] Meetin' adjourned.

  • Joe: I thought you were done with this shit.

    Frank: Well...

    Joe: What about Dorothy? What about the baby? Can you touch that?

    Frank: Outside party.

    Joe: What?

    Frank: Outside party. Give me a light.

  • Frank: If you want to turn two people into two-headed fire-breathing dragons overnight, just put rings on their fingers.

    Rachel: Shhhhhh!

    Joe: No, he's right.

    Joe: Cos you-re a fucking expert aren't you?

    Joe: When you're not sexing up the au pair to within an inch of her life, you're a fucking authority!

    Joe: And when you're not marching on Poland, you're a fucking sage, aren't you pal?

    Joe: Tell me something, tell me something, cos I always wanted to know this.

    Joe: Don't you ever tire of letting your dick do the thinking?

  • Frank: There's a time to keep your mouth shut. This'd be one of them times.

  • Frank: You ain't gonna touch my dog, Wes Mitchell. I guaran-damn-tee it...

    Wes Mitchell: Oh, you don't know what I can do, Frank. It's dark, and you're a long ways from your house.

  • Dobie: A man does one thing, one thing in his life he could look back on... go proud. That's enough. Anyway, that's what my pa used to say.

    Frank: He talked all the time, didn't he.

    Dobie: Yeah. He was a good man. Sure is a shame.

    Frank: Shame?

    Dobie: Yeah, my pa. He never did amount to anything.

  • Frank: You want to go to work, do you?

    Dobie: Work?

    Frank: Making an honest living?

    Dobie: Oh, no, I don't think I could do that. I could cowboy some.

    Frank: Well, what will that get you? You work yourself to death for somebody and likely they will have to take up a collection to bury you.

  • Wayne: [Wayne has goaded Deke into singing at the Buckhorn Tavern... Deke sings to keep peace, he turns to Wayne after he's finished] Well, you ain't bad, sideburns.

    Jimmy Tompkins: Now tell me what it is you do for a living.

    Wayne: I work with my old man in auto accessories, why?

    Jimmy Tompkins: Well, I usually get paid for singin' as a rule. And I figure you oughta do whatever it is you do for me. So how 'bout steppin' outside and puttin' a new set of seatcovers on my car, huh?

    Wayne: Why sure, sideburns! What color you want?

    [turns to the people at his table]

    Wayne: I figure his color's yellow, don't you?

    [Deke pulls Wayne out of his seat and starts viciously beating him]

    Frank: [on the phone] Get the police, quickly!

    [Deke and Wayne continue until Deke wins by a knockout]

  • Wayne: [Wayne is trying to persuade Deke to sing at the Buckhorn tavern after being politely refused] Now I told my girl I could get you to sing! A man can't go back on his word, can he, fella?

    Skeeter: [stands up] Look, maybe you didn't hear me... "fella", but Mr. Rivers doesn't sing in juke joints. So how about going back over there and drink your malted, huh?

    Frank: [Wayne shoves Skeeter to the floor, girls gasp] Hey, are these music people causing some trouble here?

    Jimmy Tompkins: [rushing up] There's no trouble, sir. You mind if I sing a song with these people here?

    Frank: Well, uh...

    Wayne: [interrupting] No, he don't mind!


    Wayne: Or do you Frank?

    Frank: [stammering] No... I don't... mind.

    [Deke sings "Mean Woman Blues"]

  • A.J.: I milk cows?

    Frank: Yeah, twice a day. Just like I did.

    A.J.: I'm sorry, but I've never milked a cow in my life.

  • Jill: A zombie?

    Frank: Actually, I think they prefer the term Post-Mortem Americans

  • Frank: [to his first victim] Please don't scream. You're beautiful.

  • Lucie: You are totally not what imagined.

    Frank: Really? What did you imagine?

    Lucie: Uh... fat, with long black hair and greasy skin full of acne.

    Frank: You should see the other picture I was about to send.

  • Zoe: I went somewhere.

    Frank: That was a dream!

    Zoe: No, it was hell!

  • Frank: That's not Zoe in there.

  • Frank: Zoe, it's Frank. You're probably really scared and confused. We're going to fix this. We can fix this together, okay, you and me.

    Zoe: It's too late for that.

  • Frank: WHORES!... you can tell them a mile away.

    Ruth: What do you care?

  • Sarah: Don't feel too bad. When I first came here, they used to tease me, too. Remember, they used to call me "The Little Farm Girl?"

    Frank: Yeah, but that's different. You're dating Gregor.

    Sarah: I'm just saying you should lighten up.

    Frank: What do you suggest I do?

    Sarah: Well, you can't have Gregor. He's already spoken for. Plus, I really don't think you're his type.

    Frank: Am I... your type?

    Sarah: No,


    Sarah: but in another life?

  • [last lines]

    Frank: [on seeing Greg is still alive] Hey... the big prick... I'M GONNA CUT YOU UP!

    Sarah: [looks round to see her holding a lighter] You're gonna do shit... FRANK

    [ignites the spilled alcohol setting him on fire, causing him to fall off a balcony into a pool]

  • Frank: [as he puts his mask back on] Sarah... where do you think you're going?

    Frank: [after Greg jumps through a third story window into a pool] I'll... be... right... back

    Frank: [on his murdered ex-girlfriend] Stupid bitch... nearly ruined my costume

    Frank: All you fucking bitches and your boyfriends i'll kill every one of you

  • Stella: Talk dirty, Frank! Talk dirty!

    Frank: Um... tits.

    Stella: DIRTY dirty!

    Frank: Um... fuck. Ah, tits. Screw.

  • Frank: What is that?

    Hank: I dunno, looks like some kind of a... a pimp.

  • Hank: Kiss me Harry! I'm goin' home Harry! Bye Harry!

    Frank: Tell us the truth Harry, you get into that sweet lil' thing yet?

  • [Allan sets up a sinister-looking laser machine in the living room]

    Frank: Uh, are you sure you know what you're doing?

    Allan: Of course! Hell, I built this thing myself!

  • Frank: It's important that you get rid of all this sparkling dust.

    Sara Hansson: What sparkling dust?

    Frank: You can't see it now, but it's here. Under each and every lamp. Attracting the vermin, coming to eat the dust.

  • Frank: Joyce, I don't want to fuck you, I want to cut you!

  • Emma: Now, stick it in.

    Frank: How?

    Emma: Just, uh, with your hands. Go on.

    Frank: With my hands?

    Emma: Shove it in. Yeah.

    Frank: Oh... god.

    Emma: That's it. Go a little easy. Go on. More. Deeper!

    Frank: [laughing] Up the butt.

    [doorbell rings]

    Emma: Jakey?

    Jake: [from the other room] Yeah?

    Emma: Can you get that? We're just, uh, fisting a turkey.

  • George: Seems like you're trying to find something wrong with these people.

    Frank: No way George. You saw all that weird stuff at the garage sale.

    George: You mean the stuff that we all bought?

  • Frank: Regardless of what you've done, you do not have the best interests of this group in mind.

  • [Frank is admiring a waitress's ass]

    Frank: She's got a great backyard.

    Walter: I don't know. I've never been to her house.

    Frank: She's got a great ass.

  • Frank: You don't have that problem, pal?

    Walter: Which problem?

    Frank: With your cucumber.

    Walter: I don't eat cucumbers, I always eat these bacon sandwiches.

  • [a very drunk Frank singing in the park]

    Frank: I'm sweet Willy McGhee, I set sail for the sea / A man fit for sailin', my cock's fit for whalin', my balls they weigh seventy pounds apiece! / If you know any ladies, that want to make babies, send them to see Willy McGhee.

  • Frank: Take out your pecker and feed the Fish.

    Walter: What?

    Frank: Pee in the ocean.

  • Frank: You never went skinny-dipping when you were a kid?

    Walter: Yes, but I wore a bathing suit.

  • Frank: I got a book and a bottle of whisky. I think I'll take them to the park and see which one I finish first.

    Helen Cooney: I'll bet on the bottle.

    Frank: I wouldn't bet against you.

  • Frank: [to Walter] You know you answer questions that nobody asks. You're a lot like a woman.

  • Frank: I'm sober enough to know I was drunk.

  • Frank: [to Walter] You've never said hello to a woman. How are you going to say goodbye?

  • Frank: It's a sorry sea captain who has no whisky.

  • Frank: You gotta have a partner to dance.

  • Frank: You know, Walt, I've been married and divorced four times. I got lots of enemies, but I'm kind of short on friends.

  • Walter: You have to pee too?

    Frank: I'm 75 years old. I always have to pee.

  • Frank: that's life, Walt... that's what life does to you.

  • [Les and Frank, the Internet pornographers, have approached and solicited Tanya in the cafe]

    Les: Yeah? Gorgeous cheekbones... yeah, gorgeous cheekbones, they're fantastic. So, anyhow, what I was going to do, I don't want to take up too much of your time. But, there's my card.

    Tanya: Yes.

    Les: Ok? And, uhh, you know, if you're interested, give me call. But, if there's anything else I can do, let me... I am Mr. Stonehaven. Everybody knows me around here, so, if you need me, call me. There's my card. All right? Hope to see you soon. Bye.

    Frank: Bye.

    Les: See ya, mate. Let's go, Frank.

    [Les and Frank leave]

    Artyom: Ty khot' ponyala, chto oni sutenery i chego oni khotyat? (You do realize they're pimps, and what they want?)

  • [Needing money, Tanya has gone to see Les and Frank, the Internet pornographers]

    Les: Ok, Tanya. Just give me a little twirl, just turn around. Yeah, and just un... unzip, and give me a flash. Mmmm... See, I see her as like a school girl, or... or maybe a nurse. She's sort of got that caring quality about her.

    Frank: Bit skinny up top, Les.

    Les: Or a nun.

    Frank: A nun? Yeah, a nun would be good.

    Tanya: But, what do I do?

  • Frank: Don't go having a good time. You'll only brood about it in years to come.

  • Frank: What you need is some Tempodex, Jerry. That's what I'm on. Time-fix, it's my remedy for everyone. Can't you feel those millions of years waiting in your spine, huh? Waiting to find their way up into your back-brain, your mid-brain, your fore-brain? You'll never know you had so many brains, Jerry, till Tempodex starts opening them up for you.

  • Morton: Not bad. Congratulations. Tell me, was it necessary that you kill all of them? I only told you to scare them.

    Frank: People scare better when they're dying.

  • Frank: How can you trust a man that wears both a belt and suspenders? Man can't even trust his own pants.

  • Frank: Morton once told me I could never be like him. Now I understand why. Wouldn't have bothered him, knowing you were around somewhere alive.

    Harmonica: So, you found out you're not a businessman after all.

    Frank: Just a man.

    Harmonica: An ancient race. Other Mortons'll be along, and they'll kill it off.

    Frank: The future don't matter to us. Nothing matters now - not the land, not the money, not the woman. I came here to see you, 'cause I know that now you'll tell me what you're after.

    Harmonica: Only at the point of dyin'.

  • Frank: What do you want? Who are ya?

    Harmonica: Dave Jenkins.

    Frank: Dave Jenkins is dead a long time ago.

    Harmonica: Calder Benson.

    Frank: What's your name? Benson's dead, too.

    Harmonica: You ought to know, Frank, better than anyone. You killed 'em.

  • Frank: Who are you?

    Harmonica: Jim Cooper, Chuck Youngblood.

    Frank: More dead men.

    Harmonica: They were all alive until they met you, Frank.

  • Harmonica: Your friends have a high mortality rate, Frank. First three, then two.

    Frank: So, YOU'RE the one who makes appointments.

    Harmonica: And you're the one who doesn't keep 'em.

  • Frank: Keep your lovin' brother happy.

  • [Frank and his gang are standing in front of Timmy McBain, after killing the other family members]

    Frank's lieutenant: What are we going to do with this one, Frank?

    Frank: Now that you've called me by name?

  • Morton: You'll never succeed in becoming like me.

    Frank: Why?

    Morton: Because there are many things you'll never understand.

    [Frank draws on Morton as he pulls out money from a drawer]

    Morton: This is one of 'em. You see, Frank, there are many kinds of weapons, and the only one that can stop that is this.

    [Morton's train stops as Frank's men ride up to it]

    Morton: Now, shall we get back to our little problem?

    Frank: My weapons might look simple to you, Mr. Morton, but they can still shoot holes big enough for our little problems.

  • [Frank sits at Morton's desk]

    Morton: How does it feel sitting behind that desk, Frank?

    Frank: It's almost like holding a gun... only much more powerful.

  • Frank: You paid five thousand dollars for something belongs to me.

    [puts down a bunch of dollar bills]

    Frank: Five thousand...

    [pulls out a silver dollar]

    Frank: one.

    [puts the dollar on the table]

    Frank: You got a right to make a profit, too.

  • Frank: Surprised to see me here?

    Harmonica: I knew you'd come.

  • Frank: You've made a big mistake, Morton. When you're not on that train, you look like a turtle out of its shell. It's funny. Poor cripple talkin' big so nobody'll know how scared ya are.

  • [Frank knocks Morton off of his crutches]

    Morton: Is that sufficient to make you feel stronger?

    Frank: I could squash you like a wormy apple.

    Morton: Sure, but you won't do it... because it's not to... your advantage.

    Frank: Hmm. Who knows how far you'd have gone with two good legs, huh?

  • Frank: [trying to convince Harmonica to sell him the land Harmonica just won] Pick any method you like, just make the deal.

    Harmonica: Which deal, Frank? We have more than one, you and me.

  • Morton: I got on board within sight of the Atlantic, and before my eyes close I want to see the blue of the Pacific outside that window.

    Frank: I know where you got on. I was there too remember? To remove small obstacles from the track you said. Well there were a few.

  • Frank: [about his girl friend] She's good. Like purity.

    Paul: Most nurses are.

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Characters on Free Fire (2016)