Serendipity Quotes in Dogma (1999)
Serendipity: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Serendipity: Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta to wake up.
Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
[about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict]
Jay: What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
Azrael: No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons.
Serendipity: Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!
Azrael: Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.
Serendipity: No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.
Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats G-d as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
Serendipity: Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can see, I lack definition.
Jay: [off the screen] Hey! They're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!
Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
Bethany: So you... what? Inspire people?
Serendipity: What just went down with your friends over there? It doesn't really take a Muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.
Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out an MAC-11, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael: Get it?
Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?
Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.
[referring to Bethany]
Jay: [face lights up] Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!
Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I can take anyone I meet and give a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself.
Serendipity: Her quirky sense of humor.
Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
[Bethany meets Serendipity]
Bethany: Let me guess. The 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: This girl's no woman.
Rufus: No offense.
Bethany: Oh, so those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: [hugs her breasts] What, these? You should know better than anybody at this table that tits don't make the woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearin' motherfucker's got tits,
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor schmucks?... Yeah.
Bethany: [on Azrael] So he's a Muse too?
Serendipity: Former Muse.
Serendipity: He was kicked out...
Azrael: Oh, by all means, tell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was slighted by the Allmighty.
Serendipity: You got what you deserved, you yellow shithead.
Azrael: Ever the fucking apple polisher!
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