Metatron Quotes in Dogma (1999)

Bethany: What's he like?

Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.

Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?

Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.

Metatron: Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.

Metatron: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?

Metatron: [Bethany hears a noise in her closet at night. She reaches under her bed and pulls out a baseball bat. Flames suddenly erupt in the middle of the room] Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God.

[Bethany runs to her closet, pulls out a fire extinguisher]

Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true G -

[Bethany douses the fire]

Metatron: Oh, G -

[Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke as Bethany rushes back to the bed and grabs the bat again]

Metatron: Agh! Sweet Jesus, did you have to use the whole can?

Bethany: [brandishing the bat] Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?

Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid fucking... Christ...

Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! NOW!

Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that ffffffish?

[Bethany realizes she's holding a large fish, and drops it in shock]

Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... look at my suit!

Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.

Metatron: Oh, get over it, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.

[he drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be]

Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you?

[Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry]

Metatron: Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.

Bethany: What are you?

Metatron: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.

Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.

Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.

Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.

Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.

Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.

Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.

Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.

Bethany: What's the fine print?

Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.

Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.

Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?

Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.

Metatron: Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point.

Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?

Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.

Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...

[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]

Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.

Bethany: What, more angels?

Metatron: Prophets. in a manner of speaking... two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well... doesn't speak. He's the quiet type

Metatron: So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.

Metatron: You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take that away from you, not even God.

Rufus: So what do we do now?

Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Metatron: It never ends.

Metatron: Behold the Metatron. Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God.

Bethany: Well, I am the last Scion.

Metatron: Actually, you WERE the last Scion. Now this

[puts his hand on Bethany's stomach]

Metatron: is the last Scion.

Bethany: You mean, I'm pregnant?

Metatron: Ohhh, Bartleby. Was Wisconsin really *that* bad?

Rufus: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?

Metatron: Going out in style.

Rufus: The Voice!

Metatron: [mocking surprise] The apostle.

Metatron: Wax on, wax off.

Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?

Bethany Sloane: Constitutionals?

Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.

Bethany: What are you?

Metatron: I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.