Silent Bob Quotes in Dogma (1999)

[after throwing Bartleby and Loki off a train; a la Indiana Jones]

Silent Bob: No ticket.

Rufus: [to Bethany] The man was right about you. And I am going to go home and tell him so.

[to Jay And Silent Bob]

Rufus: And if you clean up your language, I JUST might put in a good word for you too.

Silent Bob: Thanks.

Silent Bob: [His only line] You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.

Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things.

[c.f. [link=tt0080684]]

Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already.

Silent Bob: [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!

Jay: Say it, don't spray it.

Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?

Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie.

Banky: That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!

Jay: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker!

Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!

Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.

[Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief]

Jay: Yeah.

Banky: You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.

Jay: Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish.

Banky: Tell you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.

[Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise]

Jay: [eagerly] Half?

Banky: Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.

Jay: Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.

[Silent Bob rolls his eyes]

Banky: Done.

[they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head]

Jay: [the monkey has been put into a car] Man, who the fuck steals monkeys?

Silent Bob: [Points to Jay and himself]

Jay: Oh yeah...

[about Jay]

Banky: Your friend's a fucking clown shoe, you know that?

Silent Bob: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.

Silent Bob: So there's me and Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don't wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him... how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. Ménage à trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God's sake.

Jay: Saint Shithead.

[Silent Bob elbows him; Jay motions as if to start a fight]

Silent Bob: Do something.

[to Holden]

Silent Bob: So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like... I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm... I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk.

Jay: Fuckin' A!

Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I didn't hate her. I wasn't disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like... like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was... she was looking for me, for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... so to speak.

Silent Bob: [mumbling to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're chasin' Amy.

Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his silence] What? What did you say?

Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.

Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just 'cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...

Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time! You're givin' me a fuckin' headache.

[to Holden]

Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talking about, a couple years ago with this chick named Amy.

Jay: When was this?

Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?

Jay: What, she live in Canada or something? How come I don't remember anyone with the name of Amy?

Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

Jay: What's that shit he's got us saying?

Silent Bob: Oh, umm... "Snootchie Bootchies."

Jay: Snootchie Bootchies. Who the fuck talks like that? That is fucking baby talk.

Jay: [as they get up to leave] Until then, keep your unit on you.

Holden: I'll try.

Silent Bob: No, no. "Do or do not. There is no try."

Jay: Knock that shit off, we got a bus to catch! Jedi bitch.

[last lines]

Jay: [after the end credits] Man, why do you always have to tell that fucking gay story for?

Silent Bob: Shut up.

Jay: You shut up, you fat fuck.

Silent Bob: ...I got nothing.

Jay: [while eating food that has piss and flies] This tastes like piss and flies, doesn't it?

Silent Bob: [nods]