Richard Twat Quotes in Guest House Paradiso (1999)

Richard Twat: Will you stop making those owl noises?

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Sorry

Richard Twat: Now come on

[Rich slips and lands with his eye in the candle]

Richard Twat: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH

[Lights go out then Eddy lights another candle]

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Rich are you alright?

Richard Twat: Candle in the eye.

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: What?

Richard Twat: Candle in the eye

[rich points to his eye]

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Oh righto

[Eddy shoves the candle in Richies unburnt eye]

Richard Twat: AAAARRRGGGGGHHH

Richard Twat: I trust you've slept well?

Mr Johnson: We had rather a rough night actually.

Richard Twat: Ah well, the perils of adultery.

Richard Twat: Ah! Good evening, Miss Carbonara.

Gina Carbonara: Good evening, Mr. Twat.

Richard Twat: It's cunt!

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Chef's hurt himself.

Richard Twat: How badly?

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Indescribably badly. He hit his head on a frying pan seventeen times.

Mrs Hardy: [ordering breakfast] Where do your eggs come from?

Richard Twat: Ermm... Hen's vaginas?

Richard Twat: Ahh... Good morning, Mrs Foxfur.

Mrs Foxfur: Morning, Twat.

Mr Johnson: I merely brushed your arm!

Richard Twat: Well, we have already established that you're a liar, Mr Jones.

Mr Johnson: Look, Mr Twat...

Richard Twat: It's pronounced "Thwaite"!

Mr Johnson: Well, It's spelled twat.

[pointing at Richie's name on the desk]

Mr Johnson: T-W-A-T Twat!

Richard Twat: Could you keep your voice down please? We do have normal guests, as well.

Richard Twat: [opens the till and finds it empty] What are the advance bookings, like?

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Ah, not too good.

Richard Twat: [shuts the till] Ooooooooh, God!

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Come on, Richie, it's not that bad.

Richard Twat: Yes, it is, I just trapped the tip of my penis in the till drawer!

Mrs Foxfur: [Eddie open the till] Oh, Mr Twat!

Richard Twat: It's Thwaite,

[whispers]

Richard Twat: I thought you said the guests have gone.

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: I thought she was dead.

Richard Twat: As we always say at the Guest House Paradiso: Have fun, don't go in the water if you know what's good for you and try not to get shit on the sheets.

Richard Twat: Chef I thought I told you to get this tap thing fixed - It's a fire hazard!

Chef: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!

Richard Twat: ...Very good chef. Carry on. Is breakfast, well on the way?

Saucy Wood Nymph: Come gather, saucy wood nymphs, come from your groves! It is Richie!

Richard Twat: [Delighted to see he is surrounded by five scantily dressed wood nymphs] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, birds!

Saucy Wood Nymph: Come, love nymphs. Out of respect for Richie, let us all take out our great knockers, and wobble them about a bit.

Saucy Wood Nymph: Oh yes, do let's!

Saucy Wood Nymph: No, other love nymphs. First let us open our magic fairy briefcases, and shower our lord with bundles of unmarked tenners. Erotically.

All: Hurrah, yes! What a smashing idea!

Saucy Wood Nymph: But first, proud firm young maidens who are definitely on for it, let us anoint him with pints of super-strength illegal cider!

All: Oh yes, let's!

[All wood nymphs throw pints of cider over a surprised Richie. One of the nymphs has changed into Eddie who laughs maniacally]

Richard Twat: Settle, birds!

[Richie is doused in cider by five copies of Eddie who keeps laughing, until Richie wakes up from his dream]

Mrs Hardy: He's a black belt in karate, you know.

Richard Twat: More like a pink belt in hanging about gentlemen's lavatories on Hamstead Heath.

Richard Twat: I trust you two both washed.

Mr Johnson: Actually, the water was cold.

Richard Twat: That's no reason not to wash, is it? Good grief, we are British, you know. We invented cold showers to stop people masturbating. Oh, I see, maybe that's why you are so upset about the lack of hot water.

Richard Twat: Pheeb. One boiled egg.

Richard Twat: Now, this is the light switch which is on a timer which will give you plenty of time to take your key and insert it in the...

[light goes out]

Richard Twat: ... Arse!

Damien Nice: Insert it in your arse?

Richard Twat: What about that ring

Mrs Nice: I never take it off.

Richard Twat: Well what about the watch then? Is that expensive?

Mr Nice: Oh, it's just a cheap copy.

Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Well that will do, the pawnbroker is very shortsighted.

Richard Twat: EDDIE! means, that you don't need a watch in paradise. Time... stops here

[Mr. Nice hands over the watch]