Norman Quotes in Straw Dogs (2011)

Norman: See there Mr. Sumner, you ain't the only one with a trophy wife. Only difference is, mine's for third place.

Kristen: [very pregnant] Believe it or not, that's the most romantic thing he's ever said. That and, "You're what?"

Norman: Hey guy, you... are a statement!

Shirley: I like you, Norman.

Norman: I like you too, Aunt Shirley, but I think you're a bitch.

Norman: Honey, have you seen my car keys yet?

Rebecca: Oh look, there he is.

Enid: As always.

Rebecca: Waiting for the bus that never comes.

Enid: I wonder if he's just totally insane, or he really thinks the bus is coming?

Rebecca: Why don't you just ask him?

Enid: Hi. What's your name?

Norman: Norman.

Enid: Are you waiting for a bus?

Norman: Yes.

Enid: I hate to tell you this, but they canceled this bus line two years ago. There are no more buses on this street.

Norman: You don't know what you're talking about.

Norman: You called me Norm!

Carl Allen: Yeah.

Norman: Could that like be my nickname?

Carl Allen: Yeah, I guess.

Norman: Ah nice, I like your style, Car. That could be yours.

Carl Allen: Yeah, Carl's pretty short already but...

Norman: We! Are! Sparta!

Wes: [after telling Carl he's been promoted for making money by giving out so many loans] Nice work, Carl. Now bump my fist.

[Carl bumps fists with Wes]

Norman: [Norman leans forward to join in and bump Wes' fist, but Wes sits back down, ignoring Norman] Ah, I missed it. I was going to fist you.

[Leo is timing Chester for the 60 seconds he has to explain to Ted about the whole situation]

Leo: Begin.

Chester: Okay, Ted, pay attention here. I'm going to make two piles on the bar. One pile which is yours. And another pile which *could* be yours. And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing one way... or the other. Whether it's *you* who holds the axe or a Mexican maid or some bum we yank off the street.

Norman: [about the money on the bar] You could buy a whole lot of soup with that pile.

Chester: Shh! I'm the closer here. All right, I'm a little me - um, I've lost count. How much is on the bar here?

Group: Six hundred.

Chester: Okay, Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600?

Ted the Bellhop: [Thinks for a bit]

Angela: It's a rhetorical question, Ted.

Ted the Bellhop: No, sir.

Chester: About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, this is a good bet that is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, you have to decide what that memory will be. So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you *refused* a $1000 for one second's worth of work? Or that you *made* $1000 for one second's worth of work?

Leo: Time!

Chester: So, Ted, what's it gonna be?

Ted the Bellhop: Okay.

[Leo is on the phone with his wife]

Leo: Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my fucking job, you know that. He wanted to stay out late. I can't fucking - I went to the Monkey Bar, all right? Don't yell at me - I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling. You're the one that's fucking yelling! Fuck! Don't hang up on me! Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me. Goddamn it, I swear to fucking God, if you hang up on me, that fuckin' call better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a fuckin' divorce!

Norman: Yo, Leo?

Leo: [shouts] Fuck!

Chester: Another fucking "Honeymooners" going on in there.

[Leo tosses throws down his cellphone and begins throwing things around in a violent tantrum]

Leo: Fuckin' shit, man! Man, what the fuck is wrong with this fuckin' bitch, man? I'm gonna take the fuckin' car, I'm gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland, I am gonna fuckin' drag her fuckin' ass and throw it down Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man!

Norman: You still married, man?

Leo: Yeah. I don't fuckin' know any more, I swear to Christ, Norman. I fuckin' swear to God. What the fuck is wrong? I treat this fuckin' bitch like a queen, you know that, man!

Chester: I know that.

Leo: So I had a little fuckin' too much to drink. It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home. Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry, I'm fuckin' sorry about that. What am I gonna do? Get in a fuckin' car and go run over six or seven fuckin' kids? That'd be really fuckin' nice! Man, what the fuck is the matter with this bitch? FUCK!

[Leo suddenly notices all of the items sitting at the bar]

Leo: What the fuck is all this?

Ted the Bellhop: Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir.

Leo: Get the fuck outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman?

Chester: We now return you to "The Man From Rio" already in progress.

Leo: Oh, my fucking dick is hard already. Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this shit.

Norman: [laughs] I am gonna do it.

Leo: Oh, you are my fucking hero.

Norman: I'm gonna tell ya what the fuck I'm talking about! I drive a motherfucking Honda that my sister sold me, ya hear what I'm saying? A little white motherfucking Honda Civic!

Ted the Bellhop: A block of wood.

Chester: [raps it with his knuckles] Continue.

Ted the Bellhop: Three nails.

Norman: Why three nails?

Chester: That's how many Peter Lorre wanted. Continue, Ted.

Ted the Bellhop: A ball of twine.

Chester: Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue.

Ted the Bellhop: A bucket... of ice.

Chester: You into it?

Norman: I'm into it!

Chester: All right, go on!

Ted the Bellhop: A donut.

Chester: That's for me.

[eats it]

Chester: Continue.

Ted the Bellhop: A club sandwich.

Angela: That is mine.

Ted the Bellhop: And finally... a hatchet.

Chester: "A hatchet as sharp as the Devil himself" is what I asked for.

Ted the Bellhop: Well, sir, you be the judge.

Norman: No, no, I'll be the judge.

[tests it with his finger]

Ted the Bellhop: Careful, sir.

Chester: What do you think?

Norman: It's a sharp motherfucker. All right, forget the nails and the twine and bring all this other bullshit over to the bar.

Norman: [reading his farewell poem to Lucy] A rolling stone gathers no moss / So you're leaving with your antacids and floss / Our hair we may toss / But we are at a loss / Because you are the world's best boss.

Norman: You still smokin' that stuff?

Derek: No no no, I'm gonna stop, all right? *You* used to smoke, we used to smoke *together*.

Norman: I used to piss my pants and then I stopped!

Norman: I want you to learn to collect for the coffee, George. Learn to nickel-and-dime. You're going to end up without a pot to pee in.

Melvyn: You could be bigger than Elvis!

Norman: Bigger than Jesus, lad!

Melvyn: Can you imagine how big Jesus would be if only he'd played the guitar?

[at breakfast, Norman takes the plate of bacon before Harold can get it]

Harold: Hey, put it down!

Norman: What's the matter, Pop? Don'tcha love me anymore?

Harold: [he raises his hand to hit Norman] Certainly I love you.

Amelia: Don't you strike that child!

Harold: Well, he's not gonna tell me I don't love him.

[Harold has slipped on a skate]

Norman: Ha ha. Do it again, Pop.

Harold: Shut up!

Amelia: Hurt yourself, Dear?

Harold: Shut... Umm no, Dear.

Norman: Hey Pop, who ya think is dying?

Harold: Dying what?

Norman: Uncle Bean is dying!

Harold: Well you don't have to spit in my eye do ya?

Norman: You Commie's make a big deal out of sharing everything.

Selma: Yeah. It's - it's a good thing.

Norman: What are you doing here - if - eh, Czechoslovakia's so much better than the U. S. of A.?

Norman: She said Communism was - better for human beings.

District Attorney: She had nothing but contempt for our great country and it's principals.

Norman: Apart from it's musicals! She said the American one - the American ones were better.

District Attorney: So, the defendant preferred Hollywood to Vladivostok.

Bella: Percy's dribbling...

Norman: Well at least he tried.

Bella: Better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all, I suppose.

Norman: Actually...

Bella: Yes Norman?

Norman: Merely to achieve erection isn't that important, as it happens.

Bella: Says who?

Norman: My analyst.

Bella: Well he would though, wouldn't he?

[Bella turns to Norman and laughs sarcastically]

Claire Spencer: Hello, Doctor Spencer.

Norman: You're not yourself today are you?

Claire Spencer: No, no I'm not.

Claire Spencer: She's dead.

Norman: Who's dead?

Claire Spencer: You know damn well who's dead.

[last lines]

Claire Spencer: Please. Think of Caitlin. Please don't. Please don't.

Norman: Shhh.

Norman: I'm going to have the police check on the house while I'm gone.

Claire Spencer: Oh great! "Could you check in on my wife? She's hearing voices!" Yeah, wait until that gets around.

Norman: The first time I met you, all I wanted was to spend the rest of my life with you.

[shakes head]

Norman: Not gonna happen now.

Norman: We can put this behind us. Our life can go on. It is not too late.

Dr. Stan Powell: Wait until you see this place, it's beautiful.

Claire Spencer: It is beautiful. You'll see it.

Norman: It's haunted.

Elena: No! Is it really?

Norman: Claire's hearing things.

Dr. Stan Powell: What? What are you hearing?

Claire Spencer: I umm... I don't know. I heard, eh voices, whispering, and a picture fell.

Elena: You know, I completely believe in that.

Claire Spencer: You do?

Dr. Stan Powell: I do!

Dr. Stan Powell: Wait a minute. Who do you think it is?

Norman: I know exactly who it is.

Elena: Who?

Norman: It's my old man. He's pissed about us dicking around with the house.

Norman: It was a passive/aggressive masterpiece.

Claire Spencer: I think she's startin' to suspect something.

Norman: Who?

Claire Spencer: [face morphs into the ghost] Your wife!

[Claire is concerned about a missing neighbour]

Claire Spencer: She doesn't answer the door, but her car is sitting in the garage

Norman: Maybe she was out. Or in bed with the flu. Or maybe she was abducted by aliens for all we know.

Claire Spencer: Norman's father had this old stuffy... stately place on a lake.

Norman: Which we're renovating.

Claire Spencer: Practically gutted.

Norman: No, we didn't.

Claire Spencer: Yes, we did.

Norman: "Gutted"?

Norman: Claire, I don't know how to apologize to you for what I've done. But if you give me another chance, I promise you, I'll spend the rest of my life making you glad that you did. Please.

Norman: Claire stop! You're overreacting.

Claire Spencer: Don't tell me how to react.

Norman: Will you keep your voice down!

Claire Spencer: I WILL NOT!

Norman: Hi, honey. What's going on? What are doing here? Are you okay?

Claire Spencer: I... I... I heard noises. I didn't want to disturb you.

Norman: What kind of noises? Where?

Claire Spencer: At the house. I was scared.

Claire Spencer: You are so brilliant.

Norman: YUP!

[Hearing the neighbors next door]

Claire Spencer: What is he doing to her?

Norman: I guess they are making up.

[starts shutting the window]

Claire Spencer: Wait! Leave it open.

Norman: Do you think we can take them?

Claire Spencer: It's worth a try.

[Norman opens all the windows]

Claire Spencer: She's awake.

Norman: We'll be quiet. Quick and quiet.

Claire Spencer: I don't want to be either.

Claire Spencer: We did a great job. She's a good kid.

Norman: We did.

Claire Spencer: It's just us now.

Norman: I know.

Norman: Jesus, Claire. What the hell are you doing?

Claire Spencer: I was looking...

Norman: Spying.

Claire Spencer: Spying on Mr. Feur.

Claire Spencer: Do you remember this?

Norman: It's the girl that disappeared last year.

Claire Spencer: Did you know her?

Norman: No.

Claire Spencer: Hello, Doctor Spencer.

Norman: Mrs. Spencer.

Claire Spencer: Forbidden fruit. You got a problem with that?

Claire Spencer: I want you to answer one question. Did you have anything to do with her disappearance?

Norman: Yes. I had an affair with her. And when I tried to break it off... she became unstable. She came out here to the house. She threatened to kill herself... or you. I didn't think she'd go through with any of it. But then she... She disappeared.

Norman: [on the phone] Someone who is very close to me, believes herself to be, or seems to be in contact with some entity or spirit, and...

Norman: Claire! You alright, Claire?

Claire Spencer: The braid. Where's the braid?

Norman: Stop it!

Billy Ray: So, I heard you turned 80 today.

Norman: Is that what you heard?

Billy Ray: Yeah. Man, that's really old.

Norman: You should meet my father.

Billy Ray: Your father's still alive?

Norman: No, but you should meet him.

Norman: You like that word, don't you? Bullshit.

Billy Ray: Yeah

Norman: It's a good word

Charlie Martin: How old will you be? On your birthday?

Norman: A hundred and three.

Charlie Martin: Ms. Appley had a birthday. She turned 97.

Ethel: Do you hear that Norman? Ninety-seven!

Norman: [referring to the fact that Ms. Appley was a lesbian] There's something to be said for a deviant lifestyle!

Chelsea Thayer Wayne: It just seems like we've been mad at each other for so long...

Norman: I didn't think we were mad; I just thought we didn't like each other.

Bill Ray: You're having a good time, aren't you?

Norman: Huh?

Bill Ray: Chelsea told me all about how you like to have a good time messing with people's heads. She does too, sometimes. Me, sometimes I can get into it. Sometimes not. You know, it's not imperative that you and I become friends. I thought it would be nice. I'm sure you're a fascinating person, and I thought it would be fascinating to get to know you, but that's obviously not an easy task. So you just go ahead and be as... poopy, to quote Chelsea, as you want to be, and I'll be as nice and as civil as I can be. But I think there's one thing you should know while you're jerking me around and making me feel like an asshole. I know *precisely* what you're up to. And I'll take just so much of it. Now what is the bottom line on this illict sleeping together question?

Norman: Very good. That was a good speech. Bottom line, huh? You're a bottom line man? All right, here's the bottom line... O-kay.

Bill Ray: Huh?

Norman: You seem like a nice man. A bit verbose, but nice...

Bill Ray: Thank you.

Norman: ...and you're right about me. I am fascinating.

Bill Ray: I'm sure you are.

Norman: But let's get back to the sex thing... anything you want to know, just ask me. Go ahead.

Bill Ray: No, no... I just, uh, wanted to clear that up. Chelsea and I *can* sleep together.

Norman: Sure, please do.

[pauses, resumes reading]

Norman: Just don't let Ethel catch you.

Norman: There's someone at the door!

Ethel: It's me, you old poop!

Norman: You want to know why I came back so fast? I got to the end of our lane. I couldn't remember where the old town road was. I went a little ways in the woods. There was nothing familar. Not one damn tree. Scared me half to death. That's why I came running back here to you. So I could see your pretty face and I could feel safe and that I was still me.

Ethel: You're safe, you old poop and you're definitely still you picking on poor old Charlie. After lunch, after we've gobbled up all those silly strawberries we'll take ourselves to the old town road. We've been there a thousand times. A thousand. And you'll remember it all. Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armour. Don't you forget it. You're gonna get back up on that horse and I'm gonna be right behind you holding on tight and away we're gonna go, go, go.

Norman: I don't like horses. You are a pretty old dame aren't you? What are you doing with a dotty old son of a bitch like me?

Ethel: Well, I haven't the vaguest idea.

Bill Ray: Well, how does it feel to turn eighty?

Norman: Twice as bad as it did turning forty.

Billy Ray: A canoe! Just like the Indians used.

Norman: Actually, the Indians used a different grade of aluminum.

[to Ethel]

Norman: Wanna dance or would you rather just suck face?

Bill Ray: [as he heads out to the lake to go skinny-dipping with Ethel and Chelsea] Are there any bears around here?

Norman: Oh, sure. Black bears, grizzlies. One of 'em came along here and ate an old lesbian just last month.

Norman: Would you like the room where I first violated her mother?

Billy Ray: [after his father and Chelsea left] I might not stick around here. I might just haul my ass up to Wyoming, Puerto Rico, one of those places. Listen, I know I'm just being dumped here. Just like my middle name. You turkeys don't want me.

Norman: [quietly, yet emphatically] Bullshit. I'm sixty-seven years older than you. How do you know what I want?

Norman: [on phone] Operator, I wondered what you called me for... oh, I called you.

Norman: "Ethel Thayer." It sounds like I'm lisping, doesn't it?

Norman: [while reading the newspaper] Look at the Goddamned Orioles! Baltimore's always been a sneaky town!

Norman: [Looking at an old family photo of himself, his wife and daughter] Who the hell is that? Who in the hell is in this picture here?

Norman: [Talking to Ray about a woman he has invited to a party to meet Ray] Tits. Did someone say tits? Like... pears...

Ray: [Frustrated] Huh.

Norman: ...huh? And not the hard green ones either, the juicy Comice, you get in the box from Oregon, Harry & David.

Norman: [to the ambitious young Irene] Never mind the young Cordelia, ducky. He wants a *light* Cordelia!... It's not youth or talent or star quality he's after, ducky, but a moderate eater!

Norman: We all have our little sorrows, ducky; you're not the only one.And the littler you are, the larger the sorrow.You think you love him. What about me?

[repeated line]

Norman: I had a friend...

Norman: My memory is like a policeman. It is never there when you want it.

Oxenby: [after calling for Sir several times to appear on stage] Is he coming or he isn't?

Norman: [angrily] Yes!

Norman: I had a friend...

Sir: Oh by Christ's sake! I'm sick of your friends. A motley crew they are: pathetic, lonely, despairing!

Norman: That's nice, isn't it?

Sir: I beg your pardon. Uncalled for! Count myself as your friend!

Norman: Never despairing!

Sir: I have apologized!

Norman: Never, NEVER despairing! Well perhaps, sometimes at night, or at Christmas, when you can't get a job in a pantomime! But not once inside the building! Never! Pathetic maybe, but not ungrateful. Too mindful of one's lot, as the saying goes. No duke is more privy t'is beauty, he is spring and summer! Here pain is bearable. And never lonely, not here. For he today, that sheds his blood with me... Soft no doubt, sensitive, that's my nature; easily hurt, that's a virtue. I'm not here for reasons of my own either. No-one could accuse me of base motive. I got what I want! I don't need anyone to know it. Inadequate? Yes! But never NEVER, despairing!

Norman: I'm just trying to think!

Paul: Don't think! Let me think for both of us!

[last lines]

Obert: How come you never told me?

Norman: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought that knowing would take something away.

Earl: [after Norman has inappropriately touched Meli, the waitress and caused her to run away] Well, times have changed, grandpa. Girl likes a little cooing first. You just can't grab her like that!

Norman: My age, son, you gotta take short cuts! Minutes count!

[the outlaws break into riotous laughter]

Norman: Say, you wearin' that pretty dress for me?

Leah: You like it?

Norman: Yeah, mm, I like along with what's inside it.

Norman: Your lack of faith disturbs me, boy.