Miles Massey Quotes in Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

Rex Rexroth: Have you sat before her before?

Miles Massey: No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit.

Rex Rexroth: Well, have you sat after her before?

Wrigley: Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before?

Miles Massey: The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge.

Rex Rexroth: So, have you argued before her before?

Wrigley: Before her before, or before she sat before?

Rex Rexroth: Before her before. I said, before her before.

Wrigley: No, you said before she sat before.

Rex Rexroth: I did at first, but...

Miles Massey: Look, don't argue.

Rex Rexroth: I'm not. I'm...

Wrigley: No, you don't argue. We argue.

Miles Massey: Counsel argues.

Wrigley: You appear.

Miles Massey: The judge sits.

Wrigley: Then you sit.

Miles Massey: Or you stand in contempt.

Wrigley: And then we argue.

Miles Massey: The counsel argues.

Rex Rexroth: Which you've done before.

Miles Massey: Which we've done before.

Rex Rexroth: Ah.

Wrigley: But not before her.

Miles Massey: Your husband had told me you were the most beautiful woman he'd ever met. I didn't expect the most beautiful woman I'd ever met.

Marylin Rexroth: "Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard they make no battery".

Miles Massey: "Whoever loved that loved not at first sight?".

Marylin Rexroth: Now, you didn't ask me here to pick me up? You could be disbarred for that.

Miles Massey: Maybe I'm reckless.

Marylin Rexroth: [after Miles kisses Marylin] I could have you disbarred for that.

Miles Massey: It was worth it.

Marylin Rexroth: A romantic divorce attorney.

Miles Massey: You fascinate me.

Miles Massey: I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.

Marylin Rexroth: Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.

Freddy Bender: No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.

Wrigley: Hear, hear.

Freddy Bender: Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house.

Wrigley: Miles's house.

Freddy Bender: Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.

Miles Massey: Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common?

Wrigley: [thinks] Middle name?

Miles Massey: Were there any other specifications?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: [in outrageous French accent] She spe-cif-i-cated a silly man.

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor!

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: She spe-cif-i-cated a man who, though clever at making money, would be easily duped and controlled.

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor!

Miles Massey: Shut up, Freddy. She's allowing it.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: She spe-cif-i-cated a man with a wandering pee-pee. How you say? A philanderer whose affairs would be transparent to the world.

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor!

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Finally, a man whom she could herself brazenly cuckold until such time as she might choose to, uh - We would say, "faire un coup de marteau sur des fesses." You would say, "make hammer on his fanny."

Freddy Bender: Your Honor, objection! I-Irrelevant!

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it!

Miles Massey: Tell us, Baron - Did you introduce her to such a man?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Sir, I am the concierge!

Miles Massey: And to whom did you introduce that calculating woman?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: I introduced her...

[points to Rex Rexroth]

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: to that silly man.

Freddy Bender: Your Honor, objection!

Miles Massey: Let the record show that the Baron has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!

Miles Massey: Tell me more about yourself.

Marylin Rexroth: Alright, Miles. Let me tell you everything you need to know. You may think you're tough, but I eat men like you for breakfast.

Miles Massey: All right, so much for the ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy?

[takes a drink of water]

Freddy Bender: My client is prepared to settle for 50 percent of the marital assets.

[Miles spits out some water]

Miles Massey: Why only 50, Freddy? Why not a hundred? While we're dreaming, why not 150? Are you familiar with "Kershner"?

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" does not apply.

Miles Massey: Bring this to trial, we'll see if "Kershner" applies.

Rex: What's "Kershner"?

Miles Massey: Please, let me handle this.

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky.

Miles Massey: "Kershner" was in Kentucky?

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky.

Miles Massey: All right, Freddy, forget "Kershner". What's your bottom line?

Freddy Bender: Primary residence, 30 percent of remaining assets.

Miles Massey: What, are you nuts? Have you forgotten "Kershner"?

Rex: My wife has me between a rock and a hard place.

Miles Massey: That's her job. You should respect that.

[in outrageous French accent]

[to his yapping dog]

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Do you want some bones? Huh? Does Elsbieta want some bones? Has anyone any bones?

Miles Massey: Does anyone have any bones? B - Uh, bones? Dog candies?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: No, they are not candies. Milk-Bones. Hard, crunchy bones for the teeth.

Miles Massey: Uh, hard, uh - We'll attend to the dog later. Now, Baron - Where were we?

Court Reporter: [Reading the court transcript in a monotone voice] She said that she required a husband. Oh, do you want some bones? Does Elsbieta want some bones? Has anyone any bones? Hard, crunchy bones for the...

Miles Massey: So you propose, that in spite demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her ear.

Rex: Is it possible?

Miles Massey: It's a challenge.

Miles Massey: You fascinate me.

Miles Massey: Marylin, think of me for a moment, not as an attorney, but as a friend.

Marylin Rexroth: Does that mean you won't be charging us for the hour?

Miles Massey: Correct me, but since by now, the ink must be dry, I believe I have the right to collect.

Marylin Rexroth: On?

Miles Massey: You promised to have dinner with me once you were free.

Marylin Rexroth: [Giggles] I said I wouldn't whilst I wasn't which implies no promise once I am.

Marylin Rexroth: No, no, no, no, no, this is all wrong.

Miles Massey: What? Is it the kilt?

Marylin Rexroth: Do you love me?

Miles Massey: More than anything.

Marylin Rexroth: Can I trust you?

Miles Massey: Yes, you can trust me.

Miles Massey: [Marylin grabs the Massey prenupt and tears it] Darling, you're exposed!

Marylin Rexroth: A sitting duck.

Miles Massey: "Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?

Freddy Bender: Objection, your honor.

Judge Marva Munson: Grounds?

Freddy Bender: Uh... poetry recitation.

Miles Massey: Sorry. I'm not omniscient.

Miles Massey: [of Rex's wife] Has she retained counsel?

Rex: I don't know... She has Rottweilers.

Miles Massey: Not a good sign.

Miles Massey: [after ordering food for both of them] I assume you're a carnivore.

Marylin Rexroth: [laughing] Oh, Mr. Massey. You have *no* *idea*.

Miles' Receptionist: Mr. Massey?

Miles Massey: Please, no calls. I'm feeling a little fragile.

Miles' Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Massey, but I felt certain you'd want to know. Marilyn Rexroth wants to see you.

Miles Massey: Marilyn? Uh... When did she...?

Miles' Receptionist: She's here now.

Miles Massey: Is she armed?

[laughs]

Miles Massey: Give me a minute.

[gargles and looks at himself in the mirror]

Miles Massey: Marilyn... how nice of you to. Marilyn... shame on you. Marilyn... what a lovely surprise.

[opening the door]

Miles Massey: Marilyn, what a pleasure...

[seeing Howard]

Miles Massey: Who the hell are you?

Marylin Rexroth: Hello, Miles. So nice of you to see us.

Howard D. Doyle: I, myself, went to Texas A and M. I'm an Aggie.

Miles Massey: Business?

Howard D. Doyle: Tight end.

Miles Massey: Dump him. You can't nail his ass.

Marylin Rexroth: Is that all?

Miles Massey: No, that's not all.

[kisses her]

Howard D. Doyle: I love you. I trust you.

Miles Massey: It's the pre-nup. Brilliant.

Miles Massey: I saw an ad in the paper. "No-fault divorce. Two week divorce without a lawyer". Made me sick to my stomach. No-fault divorce.

Miles Massey: [about Marilyn] I'm fascinated by that creature. Richer than me? Well, she deserves every penny. And now she's single again. Excuse me.

Miles Massey: You're looking well, Marilyn.

Marylin Rexroth: Hello Miles.

Miles Massey: Obscene wealth becomes you.

Marylin Rexroth: I should have known you'd be here.

Miles Massey: Be here? I'm the key note speaker.

Marylin Rexroth: How nice for you.

Miles Massey: "Nailing Your Spouse's Assets".

Marylin Rexroth: Excuse me?

Miles Massey: My speech.

Marylin Rexroth: Oh... Oh, I'm sure you'll bring the house down.

Miles Massey: It's an easy crowd. At this point, I think you're probably the only person I can't teach anything to.

Marylin Rexroth: Really?

Miles Massey: Baron von Espy, what is your profession?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: [in outrageous French accent] Silly man. I am a baron.

Miles Massey: Yes, but do you not also hold a day job? Paying job. A, uh, a square job.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Well, one has to live. I am the concierge of Les Pantalons Rouges at Bad-Gadesbourg in the canton of Uri.

Miles Massey: And what does that job entail?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: I satisfy such requests as the clientele may present.

Miles Massey: Towels, ice, et cetera?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: We have bellmen for that. No, no, no. Such requests that, were you at home, you would address not to your valet but to your majordomo.

[to his yapping dog]

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Shush, poochy-chow.

Miles Massey: I see.

[Pointing to Marilyn Rexroth]

Miles Massey: Baron, do you recognize that woman?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Ah, cher Marylin. But of course. Look who is here. Hi!

Miles Massey: And she was a guest of the Red... Trousers?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Oh, many times, for relaxing and making Alpine recreation.

Miles Massey: Mm-hmm. I am curious about her visit of five years ago. January ninteen ninty eight. Can you remember any specific request she made at that time?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Yes, I can.

Miles Massey: And, what, at that time, did she tell you she required?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: She said that she required... a husband!

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: [in outrageous French accent] She said she wanted a very rich husband. She wanted to know the businesses and the wealths-s - the wealths-s-s - Can I say this? Wealths of our various eligible guests.

Miles Massey: And did she have any other specifications?

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor. Inflammatory.

Miles Massey: What's good for the gander, Your Honor.

Freddy Bender: Is this a legal argument - What's good for the gander?

Miles Massey: [interrupts Priest] I do!

Wee Kirk Priest: Jesus, will you let me finish? Have you never been married before?

Marylin Rexroth: What are you after Miles?

Miles Massey: Well, I'm a lot like you. Just looking for an ass to mount.

Marylin Rexroth: [Whisper] Well, don't look at mine.

Miles Massey: Let me rephrase. I would be delighted, honored, really, if you...

[Marylin's poodle bites Miles Massey on his hand]

Marylin Rexroth: Howard!

Miles Massey: Howard. You named him after your ex.

Marylin Rexroth: I'm sentimental.

Wrigley: Why are we eating here?

Nero's Waitress: What's his problem?

Miles Massey: Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing.

Nero's Waitress: And for you?

Miles Massey: Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.

Nero's Waitress: Slaw Cup?

Miles Massey: What the hell.

Wrigley: What do you think?

Miles Massey: What are they, ladles?

Wrigley: Berry spoons.

Miles Massey: Spoons?

Wrigley: Berry spoons. Everybody has spoons.

Miles Massey: And nobody *needs* berry spoons.

Wrigley: Everybody eats berries.

Miles Massey: Who are you, Pollyanna? Where'd you see 'em at? A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings? Stadium seat ass-warmers?

Freddy Bender: If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.

Miles Massey: Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.

Freddy Bender: My client's ruled that out.

Miles Massey: My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution to the marriage without prejudice.

Freddy Bender: That's a fart in a stiff wind.

Miles Massey: My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period.

Freddy Bender: My client feels sufficiently dispassionate.

Miles Massey: My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.

Gus Petch: ...and those Rottweilers were a menace, man!

Miles Massey: I told you she had dogs.

Gus Petch: You didn't tell me they had a hard on for Anus Africanus!

[the two are sneaking into what used to be Miles' house, now Marylin's, to find Wheezy Joe]

Miles Massey: Looks like she's gone... looks like she bought it.

Wrigley: Good stuff! There's no one here.

Miles Massey: Except for the rottweilers.

[Uncaps and shakes his can of mace]

Wrigley: Sure, rottweilers.

[Also uncaps and shakes his can of mace]

Miles Massey: Go that way.

[They sneak away in opposite directions]

Miles' Receptionist: You have a discovery hearing at five thirty for the Maxine Gopnick case.

Miles Massey: Discovery? Gopnick?

Miles' Receptionist: And a Lance Kelso called. He read your article about palimony settlements...

Miles Massey: Lance Kelso.

Miles' Receptionist: In same-sex partnerships and would like to schedule an appointment.

Miles Massey: Same-sex.

Miles' Receptionist: Arthur Yardumian and his tax attorney want to reschedule their caucus for tomorrow.

Miles Massey: Yardumian?

Miles' Receptionist: Arthur had to fly to Atlanta for a deadbeat dad hearing.

Miles Massey: Atlanta.

Miles' Receptionist: And your 10:30 is here: Rex Rexroth.

Miles Massey: Rex Rexroth?

Wrigley: Who are you looking for?

Miles Massey: Tenzing Norgay.

Wrigley: Tenzing Norgay? That's someone she slept with?

Miles Massey: I doubt it. Tenzing Norgay was the Sherpa that helped Edmund Hillary climb Mt. Everest.

Wrigley: And Marilyn knows him?

Miles Massey: No, you idiot. Not the Tenzing Norgay. Her Tenzing Norgay.

Wrigley: I'm not sure that I actually follow that.

Miles Massey: Few great accomplishments are achieved single-handedly, Wrigley. Most have their Norgays. Marilyn Rexroth is even now climbing her Everest. I wanna find her Norgay.

Wrigley: But how do you determine which of the people on here are...

Miles Massey: How do you spot a Norgay?

Wrigley: Yeah.

Miles Massey: You start with the people with the funny names.

Miles Massey: Your Honor, I call Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.

Bailiff: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.

Guard #1: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Guard #2: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Guard #3: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Freddy Bender: Problem?

Marylin Rexroth: Puffy.

Guard #4: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Wrigley: Tenzing Norgay.

Miles Massey: Hey, it's me. Any messages?

Miles' Receptionist: Where are you?

Miles Massey: Comin' at ya.

Miles Massey: Hmm... Hmm... Yes, your husband did show remarkable foresight in taking those pictures. And, yes, absent a swimming pool, the presence of a pool man would appear to be suspicious. But, Madam, who is the real victim here? Let me suggest to you the following. Your husband, who on a prior occasion had slapped you, beat you.

Miles Massey: Please, sit. Relax. Consider this office your office, your haven, your war room for the duration of the campaign.

Rex: Thank you.

Miles Massey: Now, Sir... Tell me your troubles.

Rex: Well...

Marylin Rexroth: What was your performance about this afternoon?

Miles Massey: What did your lawyer say?

Marylin Rexroth: Freddy, thinks you're a buffoon. He says you've been too successful. You're bored, complacent and you're on your way down.

Miles Massey: But you don't think so.

Marylin Rexroth: How do you know?

Miles Massey: Why would you be here?

Marylin Rexroth: Why did you ask me?

Miles Massey: Can't I be curious?

Marylin Rexroth: About what?

Miles Massey: Do you ever answer a question?

Marylin Rexroth: Do you?

Miles Massey: [changing the subject, to the waiter] I'll have the tournedos of beef. The lady will have the same. Thank you.

Waiter: Thank you, Sir.

Wrigley: You had a guy break into her house and photograph her address book?

Miles Massey: No, Wrigley. I happened to let a man know that I was interested in her address book.

Miles Massey: Let me rephrase. Mrs. Rexroth, have you ever been in love?

Miles Massey: A husband? That's an unusual request. Did she specify what kind of a husband she was looking for?

Freddy Bender: Objection!

Judge Marva Munson: Grounds?

Freddy Bender: Uh... Hearsay.

Miles Massey: On second hand, Your Honor, this is direct testimony about the Baron's own conversation.

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: She said she wanted a very rich husband. She wanted to know the businesses and the wealthses... wealthses... can I say it... wealthses of our various eligible guests.

Wrigley: Rex Rexworth kept everything. You win, no compromise. Isn't that what you wanted? Good God, Miles. What are you looking for?

Miles Massey: I don't know.

Miles Massey: I intend to devote myself to pro-bono work in East Los Angeles, or one of those other... God bless you all.

Wrigley: I love you, man.

Wrigley: Thank God you have the pre-nup.

Miles Massey: I have no pre-nup.

Wrigley: You have no pre-nup.

Miles Massey: I have no pre-nup.

Howard D. Doyle: [distorted] You have no pre-nup.

Wrigley, Miles Massey: Aaaaaagh!

Miles Massey: Are you... Wheezy Joe?

Miles Massey: She won't - She won't suffer, will she?

Wheezy Joe: Not unless you pay extra.

Miles Massey: Well today, Miles Massey, is here to tell you that love need cause us no fear. Love need cause us no shame. Love is... good. Love is good. Now I am of course aware that these remarks will be received here with cynicism - cynicism; that cloak that advertises our indifference and hides all human feeling. Well I'm here to tell you that that cynicism, which we think protects us in fact destroys - destroys love, destroys our clients and ultimately destroys ourselves. Colleagues - when our clients come to us confused and angry and hurting because their flame of love is guttering and threatens to die, do we seek to extinguish that flame so that we can sift through the smoldering wreckage for our paltry reward? Or do we fan this precious flame - this most precious flame - back into loving, roaring life? Do we counsel fear or trust? Do we seek to destroy or build? Do we meet our clients problems with cynicism, or with love? The choice is of course each of ours. For my part I have made the leap of love and there is no going back.

Miles Massey: Well today, Miles Massey, is here to tell you that... love need cause us no fear. Love need cause us no shame. Love is... good. Love is good. Now I am of course aware that these remarks will be received here with cynicism - cynicism; that cloak that advertises our indifference and hides all human feeling. Well I'm here to tell you that that cynicism, which we think protects us in fact destroys - destroys love, destroys our clients and ultimately destroys ourselves. Colleagues - when our clients come to us confused and angry and hurting because their flame of love is guttering and threatens to die, do we seek to extinguish that flame so that we can sift through the smoldering wreckage for our paltry reward? Or do we fan this precious flame - this most precious flame - back into loving, roaring life? Do we counsel fear or trust? Do we seek to destroy or build? Do we meet our clients problems with cynicism, or with love? The choice is of course each of ours. For my part I have made the leap of love and there is no going back. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last time I will address you as the president of N.O.M.A.N.

[National Organization Of Matrimonial Attorneys, Nationwide]

Miles Massey: or as a member. I intend to devote myself to pro-bono work in East Los Angeles or one of those other... God bless you all."