Freddy Bender Quotes in Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness.

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

Miles Massey: I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.

Marylin Rexroth: Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.

Freddy Bender: No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.

Wrigley: Hear, hear.

Freddy Bender: Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house.

Wrigley: Miles's house.

Freddy Bender: Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.

Miles Massey: Were there any other specifications?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: [in outrageous French accent] She spe-cif-i-cated a silly man.

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor!

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: She spe-cif-i-cated a man who, though clever at making money, would be easily duped and controlled.

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor!

Miles Massey: Shut up, Freddy. She's allowing it.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: She spe-cif-i-cated a man with a wandering pee-pee. How you say? A philanderer whose affairs would be transparent to the world.

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor!

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Finally, a man whom she could herself brazenly cuckold until such time as she might choose to, uh - We would say, "faire un coup de marteau sur des fesses." You would say, "make hammer on his fanny."

Freddy Bender: Your Honor, objection! I-Irrelevant!

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it!

Miles Massey: Tell us, Baron - Did you introduce her to such a man?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Sir, I am the concierge!

Miles Massey: And to whom did you introduce that calculating woman?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: I introduced her...

[points to Rex Rexroth]

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: to that silly man.

Freddy Bender: Your Honor, objection!

Miles Massey: Let the record show that the Baron has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!

Miles Massey: All right, so much for the ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy?

[takes a drink of water]

Freddy Bender: My client is prepared to settle for 50 percent of the marital assets.

[Miles spits out some water]

Miles Massey: Why only 50, Freddy? Why not a hundred? While we're dreaming, why not 150? Are you familiar with "Kershner"?

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" does not apply.

Miles Massey: Bring this to trial, we'll see if "Kershner" applies.

Rex: What's "Kershner"?

Miles Massey: Please, let me handle this.

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky.

Miles Massey: "Kershner" was in Kentucky?

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky.

Miles Massey: All right, Freddy, forget "Kershner". What's your bottom line?

Freddy Bender: Primary residence, 30 percent of remaining assets.

Miles Massey: What, are you nuts? Have you forgotten "Kershner"?

Miles Massey: "Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?

Freddy Bender: Objection, your honor.

Judge Marva Munson: Grounds?

Freddy Bender: Uh... poetry recitation.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: [in outrageous French accent] She said she wanted a very rich husband. She wanted to know the businesses and the wealths-s - the wealths-s-s - Can I say this? Wealths of our various eligible guests.

Miles Massey: And did she have any other specifications?

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor. Inflammatory.

Miles Massey: What's good for the gander, Your Honor.

Freddy Bender: Is this a legal argument - What's good for the gander?

Freddy Bender: If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.

Miles Massey: Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.

Freddy Bender: My client's ruled that out.

Miles Massey: My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution to the marriage without prejudice.

Freddy Bender: That's a fart in a stiff wind.

Miles Massey: My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period.

Freddy Bender: My client feels sufficiently dispassionate.

Miles Massey: My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.

Miles Massey: Your Honor, I call Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.

Bailiff: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.

Guard #1: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Guard #2: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Guard #3: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Freddy Bender: Problem?

Marylin Rexroth: Puffy.

Guard #4: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Wrigley: Tenzing Norgay.

Miles Massey: A husband? That's an unusual request. Did she specify what kind of a husband she was looking for?

Freddy Bender: Objection!

Judge Marva Munson: Grounds?

Freddy Bender: Uh... Hearsay.

Miles Massey: On second hand, Your Honor, this is direct testimony about the Baron's own conversation.

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: She said she wanted a very rich husband. She wanted to know the businesses and the wealthses... wealthses... can I say it... wealthses of our various eligible guests.