Laura Quotes in Logan (2017)

Laura: You are dying. You want to die.

Logan: How do you know?

Laura: Charles told me.

Logan: What else did he tell you?

Laura: To not let you.

Laura: You had a nightmare.

Logan: Do you have nightmares?

Laura: Si. People hurt me.

Logan: Mine are different.

Laura: Por que?

Logan: I hurt people.

Laura: [holds up the adamantium bullet] Que es esto?

Logan: You know what it is. It's made out of adamantium. That's what they put inside of us. That's why it can kill us. Probably what's killing me now. That was a long time ago. I kept it as a reminder of what I am. Now I keep it to, uh... actually I, uh... I was thinking of shooting myself with it. Like Charles said.

Laura: I've hurt people too.

Logan: You're gonna have to learn how to live with that.

Laura: They were bad people.

Logan: All the same...

Logan: Take your friends and run... They'll keep coming, and coming... You don't have to fight anymore.

[holds Laura's hand]

Logan: Go... Don't be what they made you.

[pause]

Logan: Laura.

Laura: [crying] Daddy.

Logan: [smiles] So... this is what it feels like.

Logan: Your friends, they seem nice... Kinda reminds me of -

[Laura walks by him with a scowl. He notices and reaches for her arm comfortingly]

Logan: Hey... Hey, hey, what's goin' on? Huh?

[Laura recoils her arm from Logan and his now concerned demeanor is now defensive and angry]

Logan: You're with your pals. You made it!

Laura: Where will you go?

Logan: [Shrugs] Nearest bar, for starters.

[Laura continues to walk away from him with a scoff]

Logan: Hey, I got you here; that's all I signed up for. I even gave back the money!

Laura: [Condescendingly] Such a nice man.

Logan: Hey, I never asked for this! Alright? *Charles* never asked for this, *Caliban* never asked for this! And they are six feet under the ground!

[Laura coldly looks at Logan]

Logan: I don't know what Charles put in your head, but I am *not* whatever it is you think I am, okay? I only met you, like, a *week* ago! You got your Rebecca, your Delillah, your blah, blah, blah, whatever. Everything you asked for, you've *got* it!

[Logan's voice begins to break and starts to tear up slightly]

Logan: And it is *better* this way... 'Cause I *suck* at this... Bad shit happens... to people I care about... Understand me?

Laura: [Coldly] Then I'll be fine...

[last lines]

Laura: A man has to be what he is, Joey. Can't break the mold. There's no living with the killing. There's no going back. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand that sticks. Now you run on home to your mother... you tell her everything's alright. There are no more guns in the valley.

Rictor: Let's go. We gotta move.

Logan: I don't know how you got me here, but... thank you.

Laura: De nada.

Logan: You can talk? You can talk?

Laura: Daddy.

Logan: I don't know how you got me here, but thank you.

Laura: De nada.

Logan: Yeah.

[Logan suddenly realizes Laura can talk]

Logan: You can talk?

[Laura nods]

Logan: You can talk?

[Laura looks at him and nods]

Logan: What the fuck? Why in the fuck... What's all this bullshit's been for the last 2,000 fucking miles?

[Laura starts yelling in Spanish]

Logan: What? Okay, shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

Laura: Jonah, Gideon, Rebecca, Delilah, Rictor.

Logan: What? Who's that?

Laura: Jonah, Gideon, Rebecca, Delilah, Rictor.

Logan: Who is that?

[Laura pulls out the envelope with the coordinates to Eden]

Laura: Jonah, Gideon, Rebecca, Delilah, Rictor. North Dakota.

Logan: What?

Laura: North Dakota, por favor.

[Logan tries to grab the envelope]

Laura: No, por favor.

[Logan grabs the envelope]

Logan: This place, okay? Your nurse, she read too many stories, you understand? Too many stories!

[Logan coughs as Laura pulls out an X-Men comic book]

Logan: I've seen it! I've seen it, okay? This all here. None of this... No existo, okay? You understand me? This Eden does not exist. No!

Laura: Si! Eden!

Logan: No! It's a fantasy, kid. See that? Those are the names of the people who just made this...

[coughs]

Logan: They made this whole thing up. Okay? This whole... It happened once and they just turned it into a big fucking lie!

[Laura argues with him in Spanish]

Logan: That's all it is. No! Fuck!

[Laura pulls out a map]

Logan: I know, I understand.

[Logan grabs the map]

Logan: This is a long way. You understand? I'm not taking you to North Dakota.

[pause]

Logan: I am fucked up. And I cannot get you there. It is a two-day drive. And I am not taking you...

[Laura punches him in the face and continues to yell at him in Spanish]

Logan: Don't fucking hit me! Don't hit me!

Laura: Jonah, Gideon, Rebecca, Delilah, Rictor.

Logan: Stop saying those names. Right now. Stop saying those names. Stop it! Stop! Fuck it. Fine, fine. You wanna go? I'll take you there. See for yourself. Let's go to fucking fantasyland.

[Logan starts the engine and drives off]

Tony Stark: [Clint is introducing the Avengers to his wife] This is an agent of some kind.

Clint Barton: Gentlemen, this is Laura.

Laura: [smiles] I know all your names

[Clint and Laura's kids come into view]

Clint Barton: Oh, Incoming. Hi sweetheart. Hey buddy!

[hugs kids]

Clint Barton: How are you guys doin'? Look at your face! Oh my goodness!

Tony Stark: These are... smaller agents.

Lila Barton: Did you bring antie-Nat?

Natasha Romanoff: Well why don't you hug her and find out!

Natasha Romanoff: And how's little Natasha?

Laura: [holding her stomach] She's... Nathaniel.

Natasha Romanoff: [to womb] Traitor.

Laura: I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, Clint said you wouldn't mind but it seems our tractor doesn't want to start at all. Thought maybe you might...

Tony Stark: Yeah, I'll give her a kick

Tony Stark: [Enters barn and approaches tractor] Hello, "Deere". Tell me everything. What ails you.

Nick Fury: Do me a favor. Try not to bring it to life.

Tony Stark: [beat] Ms. Barton you little minx. I get it Maria Hill call you, right? Was she ever not working for you?

Laura: I see you with the Avengers, and, well...

Clint Barton: You don't think they need me?

Laura: Actually, I think they do. They're gods, and they need someone to keep them down to Earth.

Lila Barton: Did you bring Auntie Nat?

Natasha Romanoff: Why don't you hug her and find out?

[Lila rushes towards Natasha who picks her up in her arms]

Steve Rogers: Sorry for barging in on you.

Tony Stark: Yeah, we would have called ahead, but we were busy having no idea that you existed.

Clint Barton: Yeah, well Fury helped me set this up when I joined. He kept it off SHIELD's files, I'd like to keep it that way. I figure it's a good place to lay low.

Laura: Honey. Ah, I missed you.

Natasha Romanoff: [Touching Laura's pregnant stomach] How's little Natasha, huh?

Laura: She's... Nathaniel.

Natasha Romanoff: [Natasha bends towards Laura's stomach] Traitor.

Clint Barton: [Laura checks Clint's wound from Quicksilver] See you're worried for nothing. Can't even feel the difference, can you?

Laura: If they're sleeping here, some of them are gonna have to double up.

Clint Barton: [laughs] Yeah, that's not gonna sell.

Laura: What about Nat and Dr. Banner? How long has that been going on?

Clint Barton: Has what?

Laura: [laughs] You are so cute.

Clint Barton: Nat and... and Banner?

Laura: I'll explain when you're older. Hawkeye.

Clint Barton: Oh. Okay.

Clint Barton: Gentleman, this is Laura.

Laura: I know all your names.

[All look at her awkwardly]

Clint Barton: Ooh, incoming.

[Clint's son and daughter run in]

Lila Barton: Dad!

Clint Barton: [Clint picks up his daughter] I see her!

Clint Barton: [Kissing the top his son's head] Hey, buddy! How you guys doing? Ooh...

Thor: These are... smaller agents.

Clint Barton: Look at your face! Oh, my goodness!

Tony Stark: You know Ultron is trying to tear us apart, right?

Steve Rogers: Well I guess you'd know. Whether you tell us is a bit of a question.

Tony Stark: Banner and I were doing research.

Steve Rogers: That would affect the team.

Tony Stark: That would end the team. Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the "why" we fight, so we can end the fight, so we get to go home?

Steve Rogers: Every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time.

Laura: [Laura interrupts them] I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, uh, Clint said you wouldn't mind, but, our tractor, it doesn't seem to want to start at all. I thought maybe you might...

Tony Stark: Yeah, I'll give her a kick.

Tony Stark: [to Steve as he turns to leave; referring to his pile of chopped wood] Don't take from my pile.

Agent Kay: When you get sad, it rains.

Laura: Lots of people get sad when it rains.

Agent Kay: It rains because you're sad, baby.

Laura: Half the time you were on your back!

Agent J: That's how I fight.

Agent J: [Jay is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.

Worms: [Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh!

Agent J: Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.

Laura: Which one's Neeble?

Agent J: Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?

Neeble: Yo, mama!

Agent J: Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.

[Jay exits]

Worms: Twister!

Laura: It's not fair.

Agent J: Nothing ever is...

Laura: When we're kids, before we're taught how to think or what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. I know what I saw. You tell me what I'm supposed to believe.

Worms: Once you've had worm, it's what you'll yearn!

Agent J: Ahahahaha!

Agent J: [to Laura] They're just, you know...

[makes a blabbermouth gesture with his hand]

Laura: I've dated worse...

Agent K: You know things before they happen.

Laura: I'm a Libra!

Agent K: I'm sorry.

Laura: An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished in front of my eyes because of a woman with things coming out of her fingers and a two-headed guy with the IQ of a cannoli. So yeah, everything's okay.

Agent J: [Removes neuralizer from his pocket] I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to...

Laura: kill me?

Agent J: No, just as little flash and everything goes back to the way it was.

Laura: After you flash me, if I see you again will I know it's you?

Agent J: I'll see you, but you won't see me.

Laura: Must be hard. Must be very lonely.

Laura: [On the phone with Brendan] Who is this?

Brendan Frye: I won't waste your time: you don't know me.

Laura: I know everyone, and I have all the time in the world.

Brendan Frye: Ah, the folly of youth.

Jimmy Monroe: Ma'am, ma'am.

Laura: Whats going on?

Paul Hodges: Somebody just broke into your house.

Laura: [while pulling out gun] I'm gonna go take care of the son of a... B, myself.

Jimmy Monroe: Whoa, whoa, ma'am.

Kevin: You gonna smoke somebody?

Paul Hodges: Put the gun down.

Laura: I know my rights!

Jimmy Monroe: [while trying not to swear in front of young boy] Lady, put the f-in' gun, down on the ground right now, take your son across the f-in' street, AND STAY THERE TILL WE COME AND GET YOU! Jesus... C.

Linda: Maybe you'd like to eliminate me?

Laura: I'd love too.

Linda: What are you waiting for?

Laura: The right time. The right place.

Laura: I'll bet you get your kicks playing with guns.

Vera: I don't PLAY... with guns.

Laura: I think I will take THAT one.

Vera: [Pointing a gun in her face] Hands off bitch! He's mine.

Laura: Tonight only.

Laura: I got us a reservation for dinner. For three by candlelight at a fish restaurant.

Eric Visser: A fish restaurant?

Laura: You don't like fish?

Eric Visser: Uhh, no. I don't like anything that comes out of the water.

Laura: I came out of the water, Eric.

Eric Visser: Well, you're the one exception. Ahhhhhh!

[purposely puts foot in the water to scare Laura then laughs]

Laura: [smacks Eric in the arm] You clown!

Albina: Take my advice and die!

Laura: I'll bite your nipples off!

[last lines]

Laura: [to people on the street] Looking for some fun? Hey, honey - want a little action?

[grabs a man's arm]

Laura: Don't you wanna play? C'mon - if you got time? I'll give you change back in hundred-dollar bills, okay?

[the man turns out to be Golgo 13]

Laura: Now, I do not know which is worse: killing, or not being brave enough to.

Baru: Friends? It was understood that you were unknown to each other.

Laura: You make friends quickly when you share a cell!

Shane: Look, I'm sorry about before. I... I wasn't feeling myself. You... You're really not my type.

Laura: Oh, I'm really not your type, huh? Yeah, you... well, you... could have fooled me.

Shane: No, no, no. That's not what I meant. You're fine. You're just...

Laura: I'm just what?

Shane: Too... momish.

Laura: Amish?

Shane: Momish.

Laura: Mom... Oh, momish! Too "momish." Nice. Nice.

Laura: Did you hear that, Arthur? She's raised a cat. Maybe she'll teach you how to pee in a box.

Laura: Okay, Mrs. Metz, your most royal exalted highness, I apologize. I apologize that someone saw fit to put you into a position of authority when your own son obviously has an L.O.D. problem. And I sincerely apologize that my Arthur didn't cause more harm to your little tyrant than to hurt his overpriced designer clothes. AND IF HE EVER BULLIES MY SON AGAIN, I SWEAR I WILL SHOW HIM NO LACK OF DISCIPLINE!

Laura: Oh, is he cute?

Arthur: Permission to barf!

Laura: Denied, soldier. I just got the old shoe smell out of this car. I am not in the market for a new odor.

Laura: Every time you get caught, you think you have to lie your way out. What do you want to end up, a politician?

Arthur: I will neither confirm or deny that.

Laura: Arthur, the Wicked Vice Principal of the West seems to think that you've committed some sort of crime, so could you please set the record straight so she can return to her coffin before the sun rises?

Laura: [about Arthur] He's been drinking.

Vice-Principal Metz: Drinking?

Laura: Yeah, well, it's fine 'cause I gave it to him.

Laura: [as Vice Principal Metz searches the garage] No troll, huh? Guess you're gonna have to find your dates on the Internet like the rest of us.

Laura: I gotta make a phone call, so just flirt amongst yourselves, okay?

Laura: I AM a mom. I don't have time to walk around in leather pants reading comic books. I have bills to pay and meals to make and a little boy to civilize.

Wally Drucker: I mean to say, this is the first time I've been torn between loyalty and honesty.

Laura: Don't torture yourself, Mr. Drucker.

Urbano Varno: I have a remedy for what ails you. One raw sardine swallowed whole with goat's milk.

Laura: [with hangover] Iiiish! Thanks, I'll skip breakfast.

[last lines]

Father: Come on guys, get ready!

Laura: What for? Is something wrong?

Father: Oh, we thought perhaps you'd like to go to the countryside this weekend, to see our old house once more.

Laura: [gasps in surprise and delight, but runs to window and looks outside] Oh!

Max: [waves] Hi! Laura!

Laura: Uh, but, Dad, can we choose another weekend to go out in the countryside?

Mother: Why's that, then?

Laura: We've only just got here, Mom. Our new home.

Tommy: Home.

[giggles cheerfully]

Laura: [runs outside as ending theme "Touch the Sky" begins playing] Hey, Max!

[first lines]

Laura: [sighs and presses against her bedroom window] Ugh. Mom, Dad, where's the apple tree?

Mother: Oh, Laura, sweetheart. Has your spacecraft survived the move in one piece? And your flight? Come on, tell us a bit about it.

Laura: Mm. It was all a bit much, if you don't mind me saying. During our landing, we drifted slightly off course, as you all know. Then I opened my curtains and hard a good look around, and what did I see? My lovely apple tree's not there, nor my friends. The meadow has also disappeared and the birdhouse, my seesaw, my flowers and my absolutely favorite place in the hill, and...

Tommy: My Protect-Me-Dog!

Laura: [to her toys] Don't worry. Tomorrow we're all gonna go back home.

[points]

Laura: See? Look. We'll need to follow that big, bright star up there. That's it. That'll take us home.

Laura: [to the star] You're quire a way from home, aren't you? And you're a stranger around here and don't know anyone. Guess what. You're just like me. Really, quite like me.

Laura: You can't love. You're incapable of loving me. You prefer that little whore. If you could see how pathetic you are. He turns you on but you don't love him either. You don't love life. You suck everyone dry but what do you give?

Laura: You're not hungry? You didn't like the food?

Jean: I hate that kind of food.

Laura's Mother: You're not gonna eat?

Jean: No.

Laura's Mother: No? And not even drink?

Jean: No.

Laura's Mother: And you don't smoke? How do you live?

Jean: Of AZT.

Laura's Mother: Very funny.

Laura: He kills me and reduces me to nothing yet I still love him.

Laura: Do you sleep with Jean?

Samy: I'm not gay.

Laura: You could do it for interest.

Samy: You don't know what interests me. I don't care about money, glory, social position. I just need things that excite me, understand?

Laura: Sleeping with Jean doesn't excite you?

Samy: Can't you think of another thing? You seem obsessed with this.

Laura: Do you intend to stay long?

Samy: I don't know.

Laura: I don't think you will.

Samy: Oh really?

Laura: Yes.

Samy: How would you know?

Laura: Because Jean is like this: some come, others go.

Samy: Is that so? And what are you doing here?

Laura: This is my house.

Samy: This is your house? Everybody goes and you stay?

Laura: That's how it is.

Samy: You're lucky. But one day someone will occupy this house.

Laura: Yes, but it won't be you.

Jean: Come here, Laura. I wanna say something.

Laura: What's wrong?

Jean: You know I've been with lots of guys, one worst than the other... I think we should take some precautions.

Laura: What precautions?

Jean: I did the HIV test and the result was positive.

Laura: You knew that the first time we made love?

Jean: Yes.

Laura: And you didn't say anything. You knew it and you didn't say anything. I can't believe! How could you do this to me and not say anything? This is terrible... monstrous. How long?

Jean: A few months. Don't make judgments. You don't know what it does.

Laura: No and I don't care and you should have told me. It was the least you could do. Not a word! Do you realize we made love and you didn't say anything.

Jean: I thought nothing was going to happen to you.

Laura: Even if nothing's gonna happen, you should have told me.

Jean: I... don't know how to explain it, as if this weren't a part of me, understand? I couldn't... I couldn't absorb.

Laura: But you never stopped thinking about it. Didn't you thought about it when we made love? You didn't told me... you don't trust me. Why don't you trust me?

Jean: It has nothing to do with that.

Laura: You're up late, honey. Your silent magic watch didn't wake you up.

Paterson: Yeah, it was a little late today.

Laura: Well, somedays something inside just doesn't want to get up. Ever feel like that?

Paterson: Today.

Laura: [First Lines]

Laura: Mmm.

[pause]

Laura: I had a beautiful dream. We had two little children. Twins.

Paterson: Hmm.

Laura: If we had children, would you like it if they where twins?

Paterson: Mmm... Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Twins. Sure, why not?

[pause]

Paterson: One for each of us.

Laura: I was dreaming that we were in ancient Persia. And... you were riding on an elephant. A big, silver elephant.

Paterson: A silver elephant?

Laura: Yeah. You looked so beautiful.

Paterson: Do they have elephants in ancient Persia?

Laura: [laughs] I don't think so. Not silver ones, anyway.

Laura: Get any new writing done?

Paterson: I did a little, yeah. Working on a poem for you.

Laura: A love poem?

Paterson: Yeah, I guess if it's for you, it's a love poem. It's kind of inspired by our Ohio Blue Tip Matches.

Laura: Really? Does it mention the little megaphone shape the letters make?

Paterson: [taken aback] Yeah, actually it does.

Laura: How beautiful. I can't wait to read it when it's done.

Laura: I know it's silly, but I'm so excited about the new farmers' market. Because if my cupcakes are a big sensation then I might be on my way to a very successful business.

Paterson: That would be amazing, honey.

Laura: And you know what else? My guitar should arrive today. My harlequin guitar direct from Esteban.

Paterson: Is Esteban gonna deliver it personally?

Laura: [laughs] Who knows?

Laura: [half asleep] I like how you smell when you come home at night.

Paterson: [whispers] What do I smell like?

Laura: You smell faintly of... of beer.

[Paterson kisses her sweetly]

Laura: Speaking of secret pie, I wanted to tell you something about your secret notebook.

Paterson: What?

Laura: Did you ever hear of the old Italian poet called... Petrarch? Is that it?

Paterson: Mmm, Petrarch. He perfected the sonnet.

Laura: I read online that one of his early books of poems was called 'The Secret Book', just like yours.

Paterson: I didn't know that! You read that. You just happened upon it online.

Laura: And also that he wrote all his love poems to a beautiful girl called... ta da! Laura!

Paterson: That's true!

Laura: So you have many things in common with other great and famous poets, you see?

Paterson: We're having pie for dinner?

Laura: Yeah, but a dinner pie.

Paterson: Oh.

Laura: What do you think's inside?

Paterson: Inside the secret pie? Uh... I don't know, fish?

Laura: No, not fish, silly! Want me to tell you?

Paterson: Yes please!

Laura: Okay.

[deep breath]

Laura: Cheddar cheese and brussels sprouts.

Paterson: Seriously?

Laura: You look a little drained. You were home a little late. Was your day okay?

Paterson: Well, it was until the bus broke down.

Laura: The bus broke down? Was it dangerous?

Paterson: No, it was just... it sputtered out. It was an electrical problem.

Laura: Electrical problem? Could it have exploded into a fireball?

Paterson: [chuckles] No, no. It's just an old bus.

Laura: Well, I think they should get their best driver who's also a great poet a brand new bus. It's the least they could do.

Paterson: City of Paterson? Not likely.

Lesley: Why don't I have any self respect?

Laura: You're an actress, honey.

Lesley: I'm pathetic. You know, I've dreamt of being a Broadway actress since I was a little kid. And now I'm here. And I'm not a Broadway actress. I'm still just a little kid. And I keep waiting for someone to tell me I made it.

Laura: [Sincerely] Hey. You made it.

Lesley: I did?

Laura: Sadly it was with Mike Shiner, on a fake motel bed.

Lesley: [about Mike] He's such an asshole.

Laura: What'd he do now?

Lesley: Oh, nothing. He just tried to fuck me in front of an entire audience.

Laura: Oh, my god.

Lesley: Right?

Laura: That's kind of hot.

Lesley: [Laura looks as if she is about to kiss Lesley] What are you doing?

Laura: Nothing.

[Laura kisses Lesley]

Lesley: Do it again.

Sunbathing Girl: I don't get her face.

Laura: Yeah, it's like she fell on it.

Rob: That other girl, or other women, whatever... I mean, I was thinking that they're just fantasies. You know? And they always seem really great because there's never any problems. And if there are, they're cute problems like, you know, we bought each other the same Christmas present, or she wants to go see a movie that I've already seen, you know? And then I come home, and you and I have real problems... and you don't even want to see the movie I want to see, period. There's no lingerie and...

Laura: I have lingerie!

Rob: Yes, you do. You have great lingerie, but you also have the cotton underwear that's been washed a thousand times, and it's hanging on the thing and, and they have it too! It's just I don't have to see it because it's not in the fantasy. Do you understand? I'm tired of the fantasy because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...

Laura: Delivers?

Rob: Delivers. Right. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else, for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you.

Laura: Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me? Because I want to feel something else than this. It either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.

Rob: No. I only have a few left, I've been saving them for later.

Laura: Right. It'll have to be sex, then.

Rob: Right. Right.

Rob: Liking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and the Palestinians.

Laura: No, it's really not, Rob. You know why? Because Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel make pop records.

Rob: Made. Made. Marvin Gaye is dead. His father shot him.

Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you.

Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: [preparing to have sex with Rob in a car] I knew there was a reason I wore a skirt today.

Rob: What if I was doing something that can't be cancelled?

Laura: Rob, what are you ever doing that can't be cancelled?

Laura: So you've got a list here of 5 things you'd do if qualifications and time and history and salary were no object.

Rob: Yeah.

Laura: All I'm saying is, you have to allow for things to happen to people, but most of all to yourself. And you don't Bob, so what's the use?

Rob: Where's Ian? Or Ray, or... what is his fucking name, anyway? What do you call him, Ian or Ray?

Laura: Ray. I hate Ian.

Rob: I hate him too.

Laura: Yeah... I'm sure.

Rob: Marvin Gaye.

Laura: I know.

Rob: Let's get it on. That's our song. Marvin Gaye is responsible for our entire relationship.

Laura: Oh, is that so? I'd like a word with him then.

Laura: No cussing in your standup.

George Simmons: That takes out half of my act.

Laura: I used to do a lot of TV, like 90210. I always played bitchy parts.

Ira Wright: You must have been a good actress, because you don't seem like a bitch to me.

Clarke: Have you worked with Cameron Diaz? That girl is hot, isn't she? Fuck!

[laughs, then looks at Laura]

Clarke: What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?

Laura: George.

Clarke: [points at George] This George?

George Simmons: Look out.

Laura: Yeah.

Clarke: Oh, well, I'll just have Cameron then. On her surfboard.

Laura: You left a dead prostitute alone in the desert?

Kyle: She's not alone...

Laura: I am not to be common. I am a creature like no other.

Laura: Are you calling me from jail?

Kyle: Not yet...

Laura: [bride repeatedly slamming Boyd in the head] This is *my* day!

Scott Calvin: Where is he?

Laura: Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes.

Scott Calvin: I don't care what Neil's doing. Where's Charlie?

Laura: Here's Neil's mother's number.

Scott Calvin: 1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number.

Laura: All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person.

Scott: Kind of like Neil.

Scott Calvin: [about what will happen for Christmas Eve dinner] Are you going to your mom's for dinner?

Laura: Actually, we're going with Neil's family.

Scott Calvin: Ah, Christmas at the pound!

[mockingly imitates a howling wolf, a hissing cat, and a cat meowing]

Charlie: [to his father, Scott] I'm fine, Dad. Think about those kids! You're Santa! We were up in the North Pole!

Scott Calvin: Charile... I don't know.

Charlie: What do you mean you don't know?

Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie... listen...

Charlie: YOU listen! You think you know what he is... You *DON'T*!

Laura: Charlie... You're confused.

Charlie: I know exactly who he is.

Dr. Neil Miller: [firmly] Charlie... He is NOT Santa!

Charlie: [whining; desperate] HE IS TOO SANTA! We went up to the North Pole. I saw it! We met the Head Elf, Bernard. He knew everything!

[turns to Scott]

Charlie: Right, Dad?

Scott Calvin: [Scott looks unsure]

Charlie: [tossing him the snow globe Bernard gave him] REMEMBER!

Laura: Please, no humiliating schemes.

Laura: [singing] I'm through with love, I'll never fall again!

Steffi: What are you talking about? You're only 14!

Bob: [singing] I'm through with love, I'll never fall again.

Steffi: What are *you* singing about? You're not in love with Holden!

Steffi: [Sitting in the funeral parlor] What's it all about? I ean, what - what are we doing? We're rushing... we're rushing...

Bob: Th-that's right.

Steffi: Where are we going?

Laura: [Commenting as a sidebar to Lane about their parents] They're so old.

Steffi: ...into the void.

Bob: That's it. The void is it? You know, I never believed in God!

Steffi: Oh.

Bob: No, I didn't... not even asa little kid. I used - I used to think - I remember this - I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job!

Lane: [Reprovingly] Dad!

Bob: It's a wonder people don't file a class action suit against him.

Zed: [Referring to his watch] Mickey! He's Dead! He killed him!

Laura: I'm sure the academy will pay for it.

Zed: No, you don't understand. It's like a sentimental thing. It was the last thing I stole before joining the academy.

Zed: People just don't understand me.

Laura: Maybe if you talk slower...

Zed: No, I mean who I am. Man, now I gotta worry about my diction too?

Laura: Oh, Zed. Do you think when this is all over we will still see each other?

Zed: SHUT UP! Oh, no, not you. I m-m-m-meant the ducks!

[opening the door to find Danny nude]

Daniel McTeague: Who are you?

Laura: Daniel McTeague?

Daniel McTeague: No shit! That's my name too.

Laura: No, I'm a private investigator.

Daniel McTeague: You're a detective? Great help me find my pants.

Carl: Do we know if they're sleeping together.Is there proof?

Laura: I need more time.

Glen: They're humping too quick to get pictures.Let's get a better detective!

Laura: He was really hot. Like a Greek statue.

Kim: Don't say that. Those guys suffer from small cocks.

Deena: Only because the small penis was seen as a sign of refinement. Big ones were vulgar. Plus the Olympics were done naked, so they didn't want shit flapping around...

Laura: Raw fish? Nudity? What would Jesus say?

Kris: Would you treat me different if you knew I had been with a few Asian guys?

Laura: If YOU had been with a guy... A few "Asian" guys? That is way too specific!

Kris: Okay. Calm down.

Sir Robert Chiltern: I will give you any sum of money you want.

Laura: Even you are not rich enough to buy back your past, Sir Robert. No man is.

Lord Arthur Goring: Mrs. Cheveley.

Laura: Call me Laura.

Lord Arthur Goring: I don't like that name.

Laura: You used to adore it.

Lord Arthur Goring: Yes, that is why.

Lord Arthur Goring: My dear Mrs. Cheveley, I should make you a very bad husband.

Laura: I don't mind bad husbands. I've had two. They amused me immensely.

Laura: Wonderful woman, Lady Markby, isn't she? Talks more and says less than anybody I ever met.

Laura: We were quite well suited, as I recall.

Lord Arthur Goring: Well, you were poor, I was rich, it must have suited you very well. And then you met the Baron, who was even richer. And that suited you better.

Laura: Have you forgiven me yet?

Lord Arthur Goring: My dear woman, it's been so long, I'd all but forgotten you.

Laura: Do you know, Gertrude, I don't mind your talking morality a bit. Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike. You dislike me, I am quite aware of that, and I have always detested you.

Laura: Then I take it you reject my proposal?

Lord Arthur Goring: I'm afraid I must. For you see, as tempting as it may be, in truth it's little more than blackmail.

Laura: True.

Laura: A rather charming little idea has come into my head, and now that I consider it, I find it to be a rather charming big idea.

Laura: As a betting man, you must concede there is a certain thrill to it. Consider also how elegantly I've moved from proposal to proposition.

Lord Arthur Goring: With hardly any loss of face. I'm most impressed, indeed.

Mrs. Cheveley: I want to talk to you about a great political and financial scheme, about this Argentine Canal Company, in fact.

Sir Robert Chiltern: What a tedious, practical subject for you to talk about Mrs. Cheveley!

Laura: Oh, I like tedious, practical subjects. What I don't like are tedious, practical people.

Lady Markby: And you know, I can't help feeling that this disturbing new thing, this higher education of women, will deal a terrible blow to happy married life.

Laura: The higher education of men is what I should like to see. Men need it so sadly.

Lady Markby: They do, dear. But I'm afraid such a scheme would be quite unpractical. I don't think man has much capacity for development. He has got as far as he can, and that is not far, is it?

Lord Arthur Goring: I am glad you have called. I am going to give you some advice.

Laura: Oh pray, don't. One should never give a woman something that she can't wear in the evening.

[First lines]

Jeff Lowry: You look exactly like your profile pic.

Laura: [confused if it's a compliment] Thankyou.

Laura: That's a lot of onions.

Jeff Lowry: Yeah. I like onions. Make you cry.

Jeff Lowry: What is it about me that is like... that you... m... m... makes you not wanna sit here?

Laura: Honestly?

Jeff Lowry: Yeah.

Laura: [Exhales heavily in relaxation] It's like everything, starting with your face first, just like the expression on it is really bad. You sort of look like... you're smelling something that doesn't smell good or like you're squinting even though you're wearing glasses. Like, your eyes don't work. You kinda look like a lesbian newscaster 'cause you're effeminate but not in like a good way. It's almost insulting to women, the way you're effeminate 'cause like you're not androgynous. You're just like soft and doughy. You don't look like you have bones under your body at all. You're just sort of like an old baby, you know. You just seem very uncomfortable... you know, like a little bit... like you're apologizing for your existence.

Laura: Hey, you're not some kind of maniac, are you? The guy's been picking up girls, cuts crossword puzzles in their bodies with a pen knife...

Henry Chinaski: How? I write. I'm not him.

Laura: Then there are guys who fuck you and chop you into little pieces. You find your ass in a drain pipe in the ocean or a trash can downtown.

Henry Chinaski: I stopped doing that years ago.

Frank: Do we really have to listen to this vagina music all the way there?

Amelia, Laura: [together] YES!

Laura: Be reasonable.

Simon: Why?

[last lines]

Laura: What's that sound? It sounds like rain.

Jonah: Not rain. Ron.

Laura: Squeeze the breath out of me. It makes me feel safe.

Rachel: You can't argue the subject with me because you just used a word that does not exist.

Laura: Really? And what word is that?

Rachel: Always. You used the word always, and always is the key to every woman's heartbreak.

Laura: Why?

Rachel: Because we expect that he will always be there, we expect that we will always be loved no matter what we do or what we look like, well that is clearly not the case now is it, because we get fat and we get old, we get traded in for younger models every day. So the simple truth is the only always is that everything changes. And in my experience men's whims are the most changeable of all, so No, I guess is the answer to your question is no I do not want some guy to tell me that he is Always gonna be there to protect me from the scary noises at night because then I'm gonna know he's a liar. I can protect myself just fine thank you very much.

Debbie: No Laura, Rachel tells them the truth, not what they want to hear but the actual truth. And I think that's pretty admirable considering the fact that culturally as women we're conditioned to lie.

Laura: What are you talking about?

Katherine: Yeah, I've got to hear this.

Debbie: Alright fine listen, you know how a man if he has sex with like a hundred women he's considered a stud, but if a woman sleeps with like ten guys she's considered a whore, so how the hell does a woman not start feeling like she has to lie with the pressure of that kind of ridiculous double standard.

Laura: That's not lying , that's just not giving all the information.

Katherine: That's shady

Debbie: No that's justification.

Laura: No that's reality. If me weren't so infantile about confronting their woman's history then we wouldn't have to lie would we, I mean do you know how much easier my last relationship would have been if I didn't have to deal with the did you fuck him questions all the time.

Laura: I don't know Deb, is it lying to tell a child that there is a Santa Claus if it makes them feel better about Christmas

Debbie: I don't know Laura, it is lying about not telling a man about fucking the Raiders if it makes him feel better about marrying you?

Malkina: I can see you're blushing. OK, we'll change the subject.

Laura: Good.

Malkina: We'll talk about MY sex life.

Laura: You're teasing.

Malkina: Just rattling your cage. What a world.

Laura: You think the world is strange?

Malkina: [expression becomes disdainful] I meant yours.

[first lines]

Laura: Are you awake?

Counselor: No. What time is it?

Laura: Two o'clock. Almost two o'clock.

Counselor: AM or PM?

Marcos: Can not you just sell the part of Sabrina and mine?

Sepia: Guys want all of nothing. Why then will they offer 9million for a cottage?

Laura: 9 million of Argentine Pesos?

Sepia: Dollars.

Laura: Late night?

Sylvia: I guess.

Laura: Again?

Sylvia: Again.

Laura: Hmm. Same guy?

Sylvia: No.

Laura: Do I know him?

Sylvia: Maybe.

Laura: Do you know him?

Laura: What a nice daddy.

Laura: That's not fair!

Ramón: I think it is!

Laura: I can't help you, Ramon!

Ramón: You have no choise!

Laura: What do you feel when you....

Ramón: Nothing.

Donna: Do you think that if you were falling in space... that you would slow down after a while, or go faster and faster?

Laura: Faster and faster. And for a long time you wouldn't feel anything. And then you'd burst into fire. Forever... And the angel's wouldn't help you. Because they've all gone away.

Laura: My secret diary... there are pages missing.

Harold Smith: Who would do that?

Laura: Bob.

Harold Smith: But, Bob is not real.

Laura: There are pages torn out! That is real, Harold!

Harold Smith: Okay, okay, maybe...

Laura: Bob is real! He's been having me since I was 12. And, the diary was hidden too well. There is no other person who could have known where it was. He comes in through my window at night. He's real. He's getting to know me now. He speaks to me.

Harold Smith: What does Bob say?

Laura: He says he wants to be me, or he'll kill me.

James: You always hurt the ones you love.

Laura: You mean the ones you pity.

Laura: Hey, Jacques.

Jacques Renault: I'm not Jacques. I am the Great Went.

Laura: I am the Muffin.

Donna: Where are the cookies?

Laura: You mean Fred and Ginger?

Donna: Dancing.

Donna: Where are you going, Laura?

Laura: Nowhere... fast. And you're not coming.

Bobby: Hey! Where were you for the last hour. I've been looking all over for you.

Laura: I was standing right behind you but you're too dumb to turn around.

Laura: I don't know when I can come back. Maybe never.

Harold: Laura! Laura!

Laura: [to Harold] You have to hide the diary, Harold. You made me write it all down. He doesn't know about you. You'll be safe.

Laura: I wish I could forgive you.

[signs off following Blaire's apology and scroll through their shared facebook photos]

Blaire Lily: Look Laura, do you remember all the good times we had together, we were close friends and we drifted apart I'm sorry...

Laura: Drifted apart? Is that how you remember it?

Laura: Never Have I Ever... got Adam arrested for selling weed.

Mitch Roussel: That was me...

Adam Sewell: WHAT? They put me in handcuffs!

Laura: Let's play a game...

Laura: [from trailer] This is gonna be fun.

Blaire Lily: Please, Laura we are not bad people... we are good people

Laura: Really? Are you sure about that?

Laura: Never Have I Ever... spread the rumor that Blaire has an eating disorder.

Jess Felton: That was me...

Laura: Thank you Blaire, that must of been a hard thing to do...

Blaire Lily: No, please...

[shocked and slowing down in breath]

Blaire Lily: I can't... I can't show you the note

[sinking her head in tears and shock]

Mitch Roussel: What more notes being passed between you and Adam? No fuck this! Either you show me the note Blaire or I am signing out, I swear to god! No fuck this! I am signing out you hear me, I've had enough of this, I'm signing out.

Laura: If Mitch signs out, he dies...

Val Rommel: Hey billie, why don't you give me your address so I can come over there and knock the trash out of your mouth.

Ken Smith: Oooh fight!

Laura: You wouldn't like it here...

Laura: Never Have I Ever... defaced Laura Barns' grave.

Jess Felton: [crying and hyperventilating] No! Please Laura that wasn't me! I swear! Please no!

[the countdown of seconds going from 19 continues]

Adam Sewell: Please Laura she's telling the truth, it was me Laura, it wasn't Jess.

Laura: Never Have I Ever... made out with Laura Barns

Mitch Roussel: [as the seconds tick away and Adam faces death with the losing fingers] It was me, Blaire I swear it meant nothing, it was at Adam's and it only lasted for five seconds...

Laura: Never Have I Ever... crashed Jess' mom's car.

Blaire Lily: That was me.

Blaire Lily, Adam Sewell: See not so perfect and innocent now huh Blaire?

Blaire Lily: Look I have apologized for that which is more then can be said for her.

Adam Sewell: My turn ok Laura... let's make this interesting alright... Never Have I Ever Had sex.

Laura: [types it into the group] Never Have I Ever Had Sex!

Blaire Lily: [whispering] Laura?... Laura are you ok?

[begins chuckling quietly whilst recording Laura and zooming in on her face]

Laura: [murmuring] mmmhm...

Laura: Woo! Who wants to see my butt? She's going to see my ass tonight!

[points at a female partygoer]

Matt: Yeah! I'm going to see your ass tonight too Laura!

[moves in over a now lying down Laura]

Val Rommel: Hi billie, listen sweetheart you're a fucking asshole if you don't take these down right now, i'll come over there and knock the trash out of your ears.

Laura: Sounds great, But you wouldn't like it here.

Val Rommel: Who the fuck is this guy?

Ken Smith: Alright, it's just a game, we're all just gonna download it and play it right?

Laura: [IM] ken, what are you doing?

Ken Smith: Not doing anything, man. I just wanted to play a game! You like games you seem to like games, dude, I thought we were gonna play. A fucking, great game for you man.

Trojan Destroyer program: [everybody downloads just a game.dmg/.exe]

Adam Sewell: Ok, I just launched it.

Trojan Destroyer program: [program launches and scans]

Adam Sewell: I got something for you, billie227.

Ken Smith: Is it searching, guys? Did everybody download it?

Blaire Lily: Mine's got something. Mine's got something.

Ken Smith: Ok, good. Wait until everybody got something. Is it flagging? Has everybody got some flags? It should be more than one, two, it should be multiple. Ok cool.

Laura: [starts timer]

[IM]

Laura: u have 1 minute to stop this

Ken Smith: Ok, trash. Trash all of those and then empty your recycling bins, ok? Empty your recycling bins after trashing them, do not save them. Everything! Everything that's flagged.

Mitch Roussel: It's not gonna delete these.

Ken Smith: Just fucking listen to me! Trust me, dude.

Adam Sewell: [grabs gun and points at screen]

Ken Smith: Is it deleted? What's going on? Keep me updated, guys. Ok, Adam's done. Mitch?

Mitch Roussel: [finishes scan] Mine's the same.

Ken Smith: Ok, Jess?

Jess Felton: [finishes scan] Mine's done!

Ken Smith: Ok, Blaire? Blaire! Blaire!

Blaire Lily: We're just gonna

[inaudible/webcam glitch]

Blaire Lily: Blaire's bin guys. It's gonna be cool. I promise!

Laura: [timer flashes 10 seconds left in red]

Blaire Lily: WHY IS HE COUNTING DOWN?

Ken Smith: Ok, it's cool, it's cool Blaire!

Laura: [leaves call]

[last lines]

Blaire Lily: [sobbing out of control] Laura, I'm sorry that we drifted apart!

Laura: 'Drifted apart'? Is that how you remember it? I think there's more to the story.

[Laura then tags Blaire with the Leaky Laura video on her Facebook page]

Blaire Lily: No...

[the video shows Laura sleeping drunk on the ground, Blaire is then shown laughing in the video]

Blaire Lily: [video] I got her!

[video ends]

Blaire Lily: I'm sorry.

Laura: What you've done will live here forever.

[many of Blaire's Facebook friends post several angry comments on Blaire's page]

Laura: I wish I could forgive you, Blaire.

[Laura signs off Skype as Blaire is left alone consumed in guilt and fear, the door is then heard creaking open, a pair of hands slams the laptop screen shut]

Blaire Lily: NO! Laura?

[Laura's demonic face lunges at the screen until it cuts to black]

Blaire Lily: [screams] NO!

Jess Felton: Like the drinking game?

Laura: Exactly, except in this version the loser doesn't drink... the loser dies.

Jess Felton: [Upon hearing Laura's explained version of Never Have I Ever and whimpering] I'm going to lose. I don't want to play.

Laura: Would you rather I just killed you now JESS?

Laura: Goodbye Jess

[bracketed IM smiley emoticon]

Laura: [Adam dials the police] 911, please state your emergency.

Adam Sewell: Yeah! Um, there's someone threatening me and my friends online and they also threatened our friend Valerie Rommel, you sent some officers over there earlier to her house but they didn't see what we saw. And there's a lot more to the story, so.

Laura: What is your friend's address?

Adam Sewell: What?

Laura: Her address?

Adam Sewell: Uh guys, guys what's her address?

Jess Felton: Uh... hold on, I have it in my desk hold on.

Adam Sewell: One sec...

Jess Felton: 10705 East Bower.

Adam Sewell: Yeah it's 10705 East Bower and he keeps threatening us and he won't leave us alone.

Laura: Where are you right now sir?

Adam Sewell: Um i'm at home, online... with my... with my friends

Laura: Are you safe?

Adam Sewell: Yeah.

Laura: All of you?

Adam Sewell: ...Yeah, we're good.

Laura: Even Ken?

Adam Sewell: What?

Laura: Don't... Hang Up.

Adam Sewell: What?

Jess Felton: Wha-What just happened?

Adam Sewell: Shhh, Shhh!

Laura: I said, Don't... Hang Up.

Blaire Lily: Who did you call?

Adam Sewell: Fuck!

[weighs back in chair in frustration]

Adam Sewell: It's this fucking arsewhole!

[Laura's account then rejoins the group convo]

Mitch Roussel: [frustratingly whispering to the rest of the group] Hey we're not doing this shit here, everybody pick up your phones and mute your computers.

Jess Felton: I don't know where my phone is guys please don't do this.

Blaire Lily: Jess it's okay

[mutes mic]

Jess Felton: No wait!

[gets up from bed and walks to desk chair whilst quickly glancing for phone]

Jess Felton: Fuck guys.

Laura: [Via Skype IM] Nice try guys, let me turn those mics on for you.

[Blaire, Mitch, Adam and Ken's mics then suddenly turn on bringing the audio from their phone calls to the convo]

Laura: .

Jess Felton: Guys, Guys! He can hear you, he can turn your mics on.

Laura: Never Have I Ever offered to trade Jess' life for my own...

Mitch Roussel: [as the Skype message countdown initiates] No, none of us would do that.

Laura: [as Skype account IM billie227] Whose ready for a bonus round?

Jess Felton: [Crying and whimpering as she still brandishes her two remaining fingers in Never Have I Ever] No!

Adam Sewell: [standing upwards and brandishing his father's gun] No fuck this! I'm fucking ready for you motherfucker! Come on over! I'll fucking kill you!

[Living room printer then begins printing one paper copy]

Laura: [Via billie227 Skype IM] Never Have I Ever Crashed Jess' Mom's Car.

Jess Felton: That was one of you guys? That was fucking one of you guys.

Blaire Lily: [Puts finger down] It was me Jess, I'm sorry, I was drunk and it happened and I didn't know how to tell you Jess.

Jess Felton: F-Fuck you.

Adam Sewell: Great friend Blaire.

Blaire Lily: I've apologized, she has not apologized for starting this rumor thing about me. Which is not true by the way.

Mitch Roussel: Hey we're sticking together on this stop it.

Laura: [Via billie227 IM] Never Have I Ever offered to trade Jess' life for my own.

Jess Felton: [Upon reading IM and as countdown IM's begin in shock and disbelief] What? Guys are you serious?

[beginning to cry]

Mitch Roussel: No, none of this did that, we wouldn't do that

[pacing back and forth shaking head in disbelief]

Adam Sewell: Blaire?

Jess Felton: [In exasperation] Blaire did you do that?

Blaire Lily: [In earnest defense and disbelief] No, I wouldn't do that.

Adam Sewell: How do we know? Put down a finger and we'll know.

Mitch Roussel: Hey she already said it wasn't her stop pushing.

Adam Sewell: Oh and she always tells the truth Mitch?

Mitch Roussel: [In angry, certain defense of Blaire] Yeah! Yeah.

Adam Sewell: [Taken aback in drunk, angry state] Oh she does! Cause you always tell the truth isn't that right Blaire? Cause you always tell the truth!

Adam Sewell: [as billie227's countdown IM's reach two seconds in panic putting down a finger] Fuck, it was me alright.

Jess Felton: Adam!

Mitch Roussel: You're a piece of sh-You're a fucking piece of shit you know!

Adam Sewell: Oh fuck you! You're a fucking piece of shit, he told me if I traded Jess he'd let, me, you and Blaire live, so I was saving your life Mitch and I was saving your life Blaire, but none of you can understand that cause I am the bad person cause you all have perfect morals and your perfect fucking lives.

Jess Felton: [Crying and hyperventilating] I hate you! I hate you! I hate you Adam!

Laura: [Via Skype IM] Never Have I Ever spread the rumor that Blaire has an eating disorder.

Jess Felton: [as Billie's Skype IM countdown is reaches the early 10's] Fuck, it was me okay.

Blaire Lily: [Surprised and taken aback] You said it was Val...

Jess Felton: [Defensively responding] It's not like there's not some kind of truth in there.

Blaire Lily: Jess how could you do that to me?

Jess Felton: What with all the times you'd come around and we'd go out and you being offered or asked about food and you saying no sorry I'm not hungry, I've already eaten, all that shit.

[weezing out the final parts of the explanation as Blaire goes over her response]

Jess Felton: .

Ken Smith: [after sending through the Trojan destroyer software in attachment email to Blaire, Mitch, Jess and Adam] Has everybody downloaded the attachment?

Jess Felton: Wait so what are we doing?

Ken Smith: It's just a game we're all going to download and play.

Laura: [Via Skype IM] Ken. What are you doing?

Ken Smith: [In false assurity] Nothing man, I thought you wanted to play a game, I've got a sick game for you man.

Jess Felton: I don't know if I want to do this.

Blaire Lily: Jess listen to me you want to, you want to play the game.

Laura: [Sets pinwheel timer at 1:00] You have one minute to stop this.

Laura: [Facebook inboxing Blaire after her and Mitch's protests of both their innocence in the upload of the Laura Barns Kill Urself video] I know you wouldn't do this Blaire... why are you protecting him?

Blaire Lily: [Closing ChatRoulette tab after the friendly girl from Nevada contacts the Fresno County Sheriff's department and informs of an oncoming squad car to Jess' provided address] Okay Jess so the police are coming, they are on their way, you're going to be fine Jess.

Jess Felton: [Grasping her ensuite bathroom door looking out at Blaire and Mitch whimpering and crying in fright] Why is she doing this?

Laura: [Skype IM messaging with a smiley face emoticon as Jess continues to cry and grasp her bathroom door talking with Blaire and Mitch in fright] Goodbye, Jess.

Blaire Lily: [Jess' feed then begins to freeze and disappear] Jess? Jess, no, Okay run Jess, just run!

Jess Felton: [Rolling across bathroom door right to left in pain and struggle screaming before coming to a sudden pain filled plea] No!

Blaire Lily: [Crying in relief at test alarm and notification on desktop] It's an alarm I set for tomorrow, we have a test.

[Mitch slightly laughs in fear filled response]

Blaire Lily: Mitchie, do you hate me?

Mitch Roussel: [Crying and hyperventilating] No I don't hate you Blaire.

Blaire Lily: [In relief] You don't?

Mitch Roussel: No I don't hate you, I love you so much.

Laura: One more question.

Blaire Lily: [after the free lives cam advertisement I closed by her on her desktop] Okay guys, I am not going to sit her and let her do this, okay Adam was right we cannot listen to her.

Laura: Hands up everyone we're still playing. I've got a question for you JESS.

Jess Felton: [whimpering and crying] I didn't do anything.

Blaire Lily: Okay Jess do not answer, okay whatever you do, do not answer.

[Lamp lighting Jess' bedroom is then ushered out causing Jess to scream and flee to her ensuite bathroom with her laptop]

Blaire Lily: Okay Jess! Just hide Jess! Just hide!

Matt: [Leaning over a passing out Laura] I Need you to get out of here!

Laura: [Placing his hand against Matt's face and closing eyes laying down upon steel chair bench] Shh, I'm going to bed.

Laura: 1, 2, 3. Toca la pared.

Simón: [while reading Peter Pan] Wendy grows old and dies?

Laura: Wendy grows old, but Peter Pan takes her daughter to Neverland every year.

Simón: Why doesn't Wendy go, too? If Peter Pan came to get me, would you come, too?

Laura: No. I'm too old to go to Neverland, darling.

Simón: How old are you?

Laura: Thirty-seven.

Simón: At what age will you die?

Laura: What sort of question is that? Not for a long time, until you're very old.

Simón: I won't grow old. I'm not going to grow up.

Laura: Will you be like Peter Pan?

Simón: Like my new friends.

Laura: There's more than one?

Simón: Six.

Laura: They won't grow up either?

Simón: They can't.

Laura: That was the night that I died, and someone else was saved. Someone who was afraid of water, but learned to swim. Someone who knew there would be one moment, where he wouldn't be watching. Someone who knew that the darkness of the broken lights would show the way.

Laura: [on phone, with gun aimed at Martin] Come quickly. I've just killed an intruder.

Martin: You sneaked off inexplicably, need I remind you how I worried?

Laura: No. You reminded me enough the night I came back.

Martin: You're not suggesting I enjoyed that?

Laura: God, no. That would make you a monster.

Laura: It's going to be a real treat having both of you here.

David: I didn't even realize anyone else lived up here.

Laura: Well, it does get pretty quiet in the off season.

Laura: Oh, don't take it personally.

Tony Manero: I've got to. There's no one else in the room!

Laura: Who do you think you're dealing with... some little groupie who jumps when you call? Is that who you think I am? We met, we made it. What do you think it was? True love? And you say I used you, but what about you using me? Everybody uses everybody, don't they?

Michael Reed: You can be happy and still be tempted.

Laura: I know, but surprised you do.

Will Randall: What do you do?

Laura: Why do you care?

Will Randall: I don't. I was just making polite conversation.

Laura: I'd rather not discuss what I do.

Will Randall: You know, I think I understand what you're like now. You're very beautiful and you think men are only interested in you because you're beautiful, but you want them to be interested in you because you're you. The problem is, aside from all that beauty, you're not very interesting. You're rude, you're hostile, you're sullen, you're withdrawn. I know you want someone to look past all that at the real person underneath but the only reason anyone would bother to look past all that is because you're beautful. Ironic, isn't it? In an odd way you're your own problem.

Laura: Sorry. Wrong line. I am not taken aback by your keen insight and suddenly challenged by you.

Laura: What are you, the last civilized man?

Laura: Where were you? Out there alone in the dark?

Leonardo: It's always dark for me.

Gabriel Feraud: I knew a man who was stabbed to death by a woman; gave him the surprise of his life.

Laura: I once knew a woman who was beaten to death by a man. I don't think it surprised *her* at all.

Laura: [to d'Hubert] Nothing cures a duellist.

Laura: [to d'Hubert] This time he'll kill you!

Laura: Tonight I'd like to slip away with you.

[Romain has told no one else of his terminal condition]

Laura: So why did you tell me?

Romain: Because you're like me. You'll be dying soon.

Laura: After your grandfather died, I was devastated. I thought I was going to die, so I left. I ran away. I abandoned my child, your father. I couldn't take care of him anymore. I'd see Jacques in his smile, in his eyes. They called me a bad mother, a whore even. Your father never forgave me, but I know I was right. If I hadn't left, if I hadn't had all those lovers, I would have died too. You can call it selfish, but it was a survival instinct.

Laura: So, who have you told?

Romain: No one. Just you.

Laura: Friends? Colleagues?

Romain: Nobody at all. I told them I needed a vacation.

Laura: What about your sister?

Romain: You're crazy. No way.

Laura: What's the matter? Can't you sleep?

Romain: No, impossible.

Laura: Want to talk?

Romain: No, just sleep with you.

Laura: You know I sleep naked.

Romain: That's okay. I won't look.

Laura: Here's your mail.

Barry: You read it.

Stu: You slip some testosterone into Barry's coffee?

Laura: The guy's possessed tonight. He's a little tense.

Barry: [distant shout] Get outta here!

[last lines]

Steven: [as he comes into the bedroom] Morning sweetheart.

Laura: Good morning.

Steven: Where's Jessica?

Laura: [a beat] Who's Jessica?

Steven: [he laughs, thinking she is joking] Where's the baby?

Laura: [another beat]

[she looks confused]

Laura: What baby?

Steven: [realizes the truth and bolts from the room] Jessica? Jessica? JESSICA?

[Laura only sits on the bed with a blank look on her face]

Laura: Do you want to say something about the cat?

Artie: Cat food looks better than it tastes.

Joe Warr: Seems like the right thing to do. Maybe.

Laura: What do you want me to say?

Joe Warr: Personally, I find nothing is often best.

Marion: But you want nothing around to even remind you of mother?

Marion's Father: Well, there are times when even an historian shouldn't look at the past.

Laura: Do you think at your age you can find someone and fall in love again?

Marion's Father: One hopes at my age to build up an immunity.

[to Alec in his costume for the Fringe Festival]

Laura: What's more appealing, working with Diana Lee or playing the Dragon Wizard?

Laura: I have so much left to do.

[holds Daniel's hand]

Laura: So many people I have to talk to. This can't be it.

Laura: Jail. You said you three had been there. Make it four.

Jonas: For what?

Laura: Doesn't matter.

Laura: That's the second time I've had to wake up in this shit hole.

Laura: X marks the spot.

[points to the wall]

Amanda: What?

Addison: [looking at a picture of Daniel next to Eric] What are you doing with him?

Daniel: You know him?

Addison: Yeah! He's the guy who put me away. He set me up!

Amanda: Tell me that's not your father.

Addison: [pause] I can't trust any of you.

Laura: [to Obi] You're the last person I saw before I woke up here. You did this!

Jonas: Are you sure it's him? You better be sure.

Laura: I'm sure.

Obi: You would have done the same. I did what I had to do.

Xavier: I'll give you a choice.

[pulls a knife on Obi]

Xavier: You got 5 seconds to get us out of here!

Obi: I don't know the way out.

Laura: [smashes a glass bottle] Bullshit! You got us in here. You can get us out of here!

Obi: No I can't.

Xavier: Then you're a dead man.

Obi: So are you.

Laura: He kidnapped me in the middle of the night!

Addison: Somebody open the fucking door!

Xavier: I don't think anybody is listening. Man, what the fuck is this?

Laura: Somebody's listening.

[points to a camera mounted on the wall]

Daniel: No. Those types of cameras don't have sound.

Anna: [doorbell rings] Party guests!

Clark: Act natural.

[Anna and Lewis line up behind Clark at the door with weapons ready]

Laura: You gotta help me! My mom is trying to kill me and so I ran over her in the car and my dad was in the house and he made the dog die because he tried to bite me and I left in the car and I didn't know where to go and I remembered that Anna and Ken lived here and I'm Laura.

Anna: Laura!

Laura: Anna!

[Laura pushes her way into the apartment past Clark]

Clark: [Lewis smacks Laura in the head with the pesticide can, knocking her down] What the Fuck?

[Lewis continues to beat Laura to death]

Anna: You killed Laura!

Lewis Denton: She was coming at you!

Anna: Stay away from me! You killed Laura!

Lewis Denton: She was heading straight for you with that knife!

Anna: She doesn't have a knife!

Clark: That's a keychain...

Toni: Yuck! This stuff is shitty tasting!

Laura: You're not supposed to eat the fuzz.

Laura: Shut it down, please. Just shut the camera down! Shut it down!

[screams]

Laura: Ok, don't go mad cow on me!

Laura: Oh God!

Officer Joe Vickers: God? Hah! God has nothing to do with it! If you know what I mean.

Eric: Let's take the tape player and go off into the woods?

Laura: No WAY, Eric! There's too many MOSQUITOES!

Laura: Where were you?

Zack: I went over to the caretakers to get that stupid jacuzzi started but the guy's disappeared

Laura: What do you MEAN he's disappeared?

Zack: I'm mean I looked ALL over his place and I couldn't find the guy.

Doug: A couple hours ago, I thought I heard someone screaming. Sounded like it was coming from the woods.

Zack: No one ELSE heard it, Doug

Doug: But what if was the caretaker. You just said the guy disappeared

Zack: Just because a guy is NOT around doesn't mean something HAPPENED to him.

Laura: But what if it HAD, Zach?

Laura: I can't understand... how it's possible... to live your whole life... without someone... and be doing more or less OK. And then suddenly you find them.

John Neville: You recognize them.

Laura: You recognize them. And... you know without them...

John Neville: [whispered] It's terrifying.

Laura: Yes.

John Neville: [whispered] It's beautiful.

Laura: Yes.

Lulu: Laura I don't like pink.

Laura: Lulu it likes you.

Laura: I'm completely out of control!

Laura: I read that when you see something beautiful, that you are actually recognizing that you are beautiful and its your ability to see the beauty that is the beautiful thing.

Laura: Who was that?

Julie Eden: Oh, just somebody we happened to meet. Names Walker. What have you been doing all afternoon?

Laura: What have you been doing?

Julie Eden: We had lunch and then, well, you know.

Laura: Yes, I know!

Julie Eden: All right, I picked him up. Or, he picked me up. I'm not sure which. Anyway, it was all pretty raw. I shouldn't be surprised if he drank or even worse. Oh, I'm sorry darling. But, you're always so suspicious Whenever you see a man you immediately think, well, you know.

Laura: You don't know what men are! You don't know anything about them. Underneath you're still as romantic and as full of illusions as any school girl.

Julie Eden: What's wrong with romance? And what's wrong with illusions as far as that goes if you can keep them?

Laura: You'll find out! Someday.

Laura: You're right. you've always been right, you and Hochy. It's bigger than any of us... humanity!

Laura: Yeah, and maybe here's that ten million dollars you've been dreaming about.

Regi: The way I feel today, I'd settle for a million.

Charles: What's your name?

Laura: Laura Connelly

Charles: What a...

Laura: [finishing his sentence] "What a beautiful name."

Charles: No, no. I wasn't gonna say that. I wasn't gonna say "What a beautiful name." I was gonna say "What a coincidence!"

Laura: What?

Charles: That your name is Laura. My name is Charles.

Laura: I don't get it. What's the coincidence?

Charles: There isn't any. Just wanted to tell you my name.

Charles: [examining a movie poster for a skin flick] You're prettier than she is.

Laura: Now I'm prettier than a porno star. Would you stop it?

Charles: Stop what?

Laura: We go to movies and you say I look better than the movie stars. We go to the best restaurant in town and you say I'm a better cook than the chef. You have this exulted view of me and I hate it. If you think I'm that great, there must be something wrong with you.

Laura: Well, I haven't felt "terrific" in a long time.

Charles: If I make you feel terrific, will you marry me?

Charles: I thought you said you were on the trampoline team in high school.

Laura: I was on the trampoline team in high school.

Charles: That must have been before it became a competitive sport.

Laura: I never said I was any good you know. See, I had these terrible bow-legs. Somebody told me if you jump on the trampoline a lot, it'll straighten out your bow-legs.

Charles: How can jumping on a trampoline straighten out bow-legs?

Laura: I was misinformed!

Webster: [meeting Laura for the first time] Maybe I've been nominated as a reformer.

Laura: No... only the women want to reform me. The men like me just as I am.

Webster: [Laura is jealous about Jackie] Goddamnit! I love you! I live with you! And you know enough about me to put me away for three hundred years! What must I do to prove myself?

Laura: [pause, then] Everything.

Laura: [On the phone] You got the dough, and we took the rap, so it's your turn to play cards.

Laura: I have to admit I'm in awe, I've never known a writer before.

Paul: Well don't be, I don't know any either. I haven't written in a long time. My wife, she... left me. Anyway, listen, uhm, have dinner with me?

Laura: I've been calling you for days.

Paul: We have to leave right now.

Melissa: What did he do, fuck some other girl?

Laura: Excuse me?

Melissa: Did he put his cock somewhere he shouldn't have?