Kumar Patel Quotes in Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008)

Kumar Patel: [reciting the poem 'The Square Root of 3'] I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321 / Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed.

Kumar Patel: So you get high and you put other people who smoke weed in jail?

George W. Bush: DUH!

Kumar Patel: That's so hypocritical!

George W. Bush: Oh yeah? Well let me ask you something, Kumar, do you like giving hand jobs?

Kumar Patel: No sir.

George W. Bush: Do you like gettin' hand jobs?

Kumar Patel: [smirking] Heh, yeah.

George W. Bush: Yeah well, that makes you a fuckin' hypocriticizer too, so shut the fuck up! Now smoke my weed.

Harold Lee: It's because of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place - fucking cowards!

Terrorist #1: Well maybe if the people in your country stopped eating *doughnuts* and started realizing what their government is doing to the world, "assholes" like us wouldn't exist!

Kumar Patel: Fuck you! Doughnuts are awesome!

Neil Patrick Harris: Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her. I said... "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."

Kumar Patel: Why did you do that?

Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. It was such a big mistake.

Kumar Patel: Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone, couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted?

Neil Patrick Harris: Let me be clear. There is nothing on the planet that I love more than a hot, new pussy.

Kumar Patel: Sure.

Neil Patrick Harris: Nothing. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H?

Harold Lee: Patrick Harris.

Neil Patrick Harris: No, common mistake. Poon handler.

Kumar Patel: I've never had to suck a dick before.

Harold Lee: Me neither.

Kumar Patel: I bet it sucks dick!

Vanessa: You remember that time that you broke into the animal lab and like stole that monkey and put it in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?

Kumar Patel: First of all, that was Goldstein's idea, and second of all, had I known that the monkey had AIDS, I never would've done that.

Kumar Patel: [upon seeing Raza's pubic hair] That looks like Osama Bin Laden's beard!

Harold Lee: Yo, I'm not joining the mile high club with you!

Kumar Patel: [pulling out weed from pants] What about the really high club?

Harold Lee: In less than eight hours we're gonna be in Amsterdam. This is nuts. This is nuts!

Kumar Patel: I know, dude. It's gonna be exactly like Eurotrip only it's not going to suck. It's going to be awesome.

Harold Lee: It's not not going to be awesome.

Neil Patrick Harris: I have a lost love story of my own.

Kumar Patel: Oh yeah?

Neil Patrick Harris: I'll never forget her. Her name was Tashonda. She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in. Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet. She had these tiny little Hershey kisses nipples that you just wanted to suck on all night long. Anyway, last day of shooting I told her. I said "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up".

Kumar Patel: Why'd you do that?

Neil Patrick Harris: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. What a big mistake!

Neil Patrick Harris: [slaps himself in the face]

Neil Patrick Harris: The point is boys, even though I loved having sex with some hot random trim, a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda. Every time I see a bag of Hershey kisses, my balls get so wet.

Light-Skinned Black Security: [after Kumar walks through metal detector] Sir, I need you to step aside please. I need to search you.

Kumar Patel: Did I beep?

Light-Skinned Black Security: Oh no, you didn't beep. Just a random security check. If you can just step aside, please. Just over here.

Kumar Patel: [stepping aside] Random, huh?

Light-Skinned Black Security: Yeah.

Kumar Patel: So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity?

Harold Lee: Come on, just do what the guy says.

Light-Skinned Black Security: Sir, it's our job as airport security to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs.

Kumar Patel: So just because of the color of my skin you assume that I have drugs on me? Are you a racist?

Light-Skinned Black Security: Racist? Dude, I'm black!

Harold Lee: He's black! He's not racist!

Kumar Patel: [laughing] Please, dude. You're barely even brown. Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry.

Harold Lee: No...!

Light-Skinned Black Security: Hey, who you callin' Matthew Perry, bitch?

Kumar Patel: I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!

Kumar Patel: Harold Lee, I'd like to introduce you to an invention of mine.

[holds up bong]

Kumar Patel: Meet the smokeless bong.

Harold Lee: You made this?

Kumar Patel: You know I did. When you were slaving away at work, I was actually being a productive member of society.

Kumar Patel: Are all the guards in Guantanamo Bay gay?

Big Bob: Fuck no! There ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked! You're the ones that're gay for sucking my dick!

Kumar Patel: What?

Big Bob: In fact, it creeps me out just being around you fags! Alright, get down on your knees and open your mouths.

Harold Lee: Why don't you kick our asses instead?

Big Bob: GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES NOW!

[they comply]

Big Bob: Hope you boys like extra mayo.

Kumar Patel: What's up with this party?

Raza: What do you mean?

Harold Lee: There's exposed vagina all over your house.

Raza: Oh, yeah, that was my idea. I don't know about you guys - I'm sick of all the hype over topless.

Harold Lee: Really? I always liked topless.

Raza: Yeah, well I'm starting the bottomless trend! Hence the bottomless party.

Kumar Patel: This car is frickin' sweet!

Harold Lee: Oh yeah! Yeah, it's sweet! 'Cuz we're fugitives. Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes!

[first lines]

Kumar Patel: [taking a dump] Oh God, dude!

Harold Lee: [in shower] What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing?

Kumar Patel: I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man.

Harold Lee: You couldn't wait until I got out of the shower?

Kumar Patel: Um, may I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers and 4 large orders of fries?

[continues to take a dump]

Kumar Patel: Don't worry, in a little bit I'm sure it'll hit you too.

Harold Lee: Maybe, but I'm going to wait until you get out of the shower!

Kumar Patel: Well don't wait too long. We gotta leave for the airport in an hour.

Harold Lee: An hour?

Kumar Patel: Uh-huh. Oh, hey, Roldy?

Harold Lee: Yeah?

Kumar Patel: Nice pubes.

Harold Lee: Why does everything has to be a huge argument with you, man?

Kumar Patel: Because this is America, dude, and as long as I have my freedom of speech no one's going to shut me up.

Kumar Patel: [to illegal immigrant] I'm telling you Jorge, the first thing you have to do when you get to America - buy a device called TiVo. Okay? Freedom means nothing if you're a slave to regular programming. I promise you that.

Vanessa: Did you take calculus in high school or something?

Kumar Patel: No, actually my dad taught me in sixth grade.

Vanessa: [laughing] What are you, like Doogie Howser?

Kumar Patel: No. Although that would be incredible. He's my hero. I love that show.

Goldstein: The other night I ended up at that Asian party and I shtupped Cindy Kim!

Kumar Patel: Shut the fuck up! Are you serious?

Goldstein: Yeah man, she even gave me a blumpkin!

Kumar Patel: What is a blumpkin?

Goldstein: It's when a girl gives you head while you're sitting on the toilet taking a shit!

Kumar Patel: Look how cute this deer is, dude. Not like those asshole deer in New Jersey.

Kumar Patel: Hey, you don't happen to have a Baby Ruth on you, do you?

Harold Lee: No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?

Kumar Patel: That's how Chunk got over with Sloth in The Goonies.

Harold Lee: This thing looks like Sloth?

Kumar Patel: All I saw was the creature's hand.

Harold Lee: The hand looks like Sloth?

Kumar Patel: The fucking hand of an evil monster, dude. Like claws and shit!

Kumar Patel: I thought you were joking when you said that you have an inbred son who lives in your basement?

Raymus: Well it ain't a joke! Raylene and I here are siblings. And we get it on. But that don't mean we oughtta be judged!

Kumar Patel: I have this fantasy...

Vanessa: What is it?

Kumar Patel: I thought it would be kind of cool to bring someone else in bed with us?

Vanessa: Who?

Kumar Patel: [calling out] Hey baby.

[giant bag of weed enters bedroom]

Harold Lee: Is that a KKK bonfire?

Kumar Patel: Yeah, I think it is.

Harold Lee: Maybe we should get the fuck out of here.

Kumar Patel: Thanks for stopping.

Neil Patrick Harris: [turning around] No problem.

Harold Lee: Neil?

Neil Patrick Harris: Gary and Kumar!

Kumar Patel: What are you doing here, man?

Neil Patrick Harris: This is where God took me.

Harold Lee: Can you focus on the driving? Focus on the road. You've had dozens of shrooms, my friend.

Neil Patrick Harris: Uh, dude, I was able to perform an apendectomy at age 14. I think I can handle a couple of mushrooms.

Kumar Patel: Wasn't that just the TV show?

Kumar Patel: [after getting through checkpoint] Holy fucking shit that was awesome!

Neil Patrick Harris: Try having that conversation on shrooms. I deserve an Oscar for that performance!

Harold Lee: You do!

Neil Patrick Harris: Dudes, I'm going to take a little detour on the way, alright?

Harold Lee: No, Neil, no. We're almost there, man.

Neil Patrick Harris: No buts! No buts! I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on! If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me!

Harold Lee: We gotta get Neil!

Kumar Patel: Why?

Harold Lee: We're stealing his car! We can't leave him back there!

Kumar Patel: He stole your fucking car last week!

Kumar Patel: I fucked up, okay? And I always fuck up. I am a fuck up!

Harold Lee: You think?

Kumar Patel: Harold, you're my best friend, dude. You mean the world to me, man. I love you.

Lt. Derek Davis: [coughing] Queers.

Kumar Patel: And I promise you if we figure out a way to get out of this, I'm gonna change, okay? It's not just going to be about Kumar all the time. It's going to be about Kumar and Harold.

Harold Lee: Harold and Kumar.

Kumar Patel: I kind of like the first way better.

Kumar Patel: [after jumping out of airplane] Oh man, that was so fucking extreme!

Kumar Patel: [to Vanessa] Look, I can't promise you the kind of lifestyle that Colton could. I can't promise you that I'll mature over night. But what I can promise you is...

[crowd leans in to listen intently]

Kumar Patel: [after a long pause] Sorry, I smoked weed with the president and I totally forgot what I was going to say.

[last lines]

Kumar Patel: Ladies and Roldy, how would you like to get really fucking high since we're in Amsterdam?

Vanessa: Yeah.

Harold Lee: Shall we?

Maria: Sounds like a plan.

Kumar Patel, Harold Lee: Let's do it!

Kumar Patel: [at a KKK bonfire] You guys wanna hear something fucked up and awesome? I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick!

Harold Lee: [whispering to Kumar] You did that?

Kumar Patel: [after being pissed on by a Klansman] You fucking pissed on me you racist fuck!

Harold Lee: Hey, I ran into Todd at Whitaker's, of course. He told me, uh, you got a job working for the government!

Colton: Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad were in the same fraternity!

Kumar Patel: [under his breath] Oh, sheesh.

Colton: When he gave my dad that appointment in the Defense Department, I became his right hand man.

Kumar Patel: Douche.

Kumar Patel: [Admiring one of his own turds floating in the bowl] Dude, this thing is huge! I think it still has cheese on it!