Judge Maxwell Quotes in What's Up, Doc? (1972)

Eunice: [while Judge Maxwell is making a list of crimes with which to charge a group of people] They tried to molest me.

Judge Maxwell: That's...

[looks at Eunice]

Judge Maxwell: unbelievable.

Judge Maxwell: I think I want to skip over this part, too.

Howard: That night, I went back to my room and she was in the bath.

Judge Maxwell: Who was there? No, don't tell me, just go on.

Howard: When Eunice walked in and the drapes caught fire, everything burned. They asked me to leave. I really don't blame them.

Judge Maxwell: Good boy. Is there more?

Howard: Sure.

Judge Maxwell: There's more.

Howard: Well, the next day, today, Mr. Larrabee asked me to his house with my rocks and to bring Eunice. Or rather, Burnsy, the one he thinks is Eunice. Is that clear?

Judge Maxwell: No, but it's consistent.

Howard: Shall I go back over it?

Judge Maxwell: No, please, I beg you, don't. Just go on.

Howard: It gets kind of complicated now. First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.

Judge Maxwell: You and me?

Howard: No, not you. Hugh.

Hugh: I am Hugh.

Judge Maxwell: You are me?

Hugh: No, I am Hugh.

Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that!

[to bayliff]

Judge Maxwell: Make him stop saying that!

Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.

Judge Maxwell: Of what?

Hugh: Music.

Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi?

Hugh: No, sir.

Judge Maxwell: Then shut up!

Judge Maxwell: Officer! What are these people being charged with

Arresting Officer: It's kind of hard to explain, Judge.

Judge Maxwell: Give it a shot.

Arresting Officer: Well we picked most of them out of San Francisco bay.

Judge Maxwell: Entering the country illegally?

Arresting Officer: No sir, they drove in.

Judge Maxwell: Into the country?

Arresting Officer: Into the bay.

Judge Maxwell: Ah, that's better. Unauthorized use of public water.

Arresting Officer: Mostly in stolen cars.

Judge Maxwell: Ah ha, that's grand larceny.

Arresting Officer: Then there was a shooting...

Judge Maxwell: That's assault with a deadly weapon.

Frederick Larrabee: They broke into my home.

Judge Maxwell: That's breaking and entering.

Frederick Larrabee: [indicating Eunice] And brought her with them forcibly!

Judge Maxwell: That's kidnapping.

Eunice: They tried to molest me.

Judge Maxwell: That's... unbelievable.

Judge Maxwell: You see this yellow pill?

Bailiff: Yes sir.

Judge Maxwell: You know what it's for?

Bailiff: What, Judge?

Judge Maxwell: To remind me to take this BLUE pill!

Bailiff: What's the blue one for, Judge?

Judge Maxwell: I don't know. They're afraid to tell me.

Judge Maxwell: They're a foul and depraved looking lot, bailiff.

Bailiff: Those are just the spectators, your Honor.

Howard: Sir, my name is Howard Bannister and I'm from Ames, Iowa.

Judge Maxwell: No excuse.

Howard: No, sir, it all started when I bumped my head in the taxi... on the way in from the airport.

Judge Maxwell: Are you pleading insanity or amnesia?

Howard: Neither. I went to the drugstore to get something for a headache... the druggist tried to charge me for a radio. She said her husband would pay for it. But I didn't, of course.

Judge Maxwell: Of course.

Howard: She ripped my jacket and when Eunice came along...

Judge Maxwell: Who's Eunice?

Howard: Eunice is my fiancée.

Judge Maxwell: You have a wife AND a fiancée?

Howard: No, sir. But, she kept calling me "Steve."

Judge Maxwell: Your own fiancée calls you "Steve?"

Howard: No, sir, my wife. Or rather, the one who ISN'T my wife.

Judge Maxwell: What does the one who isn't your FIANCEE call you? Howard?

Howard: No, sir, the one who isn't my fiancée doesn't call me Howard and the one who isn't my wife doesn't call me Howard because the one who isn't my fiancée is also the one who isn't my wife. The other one who ISN'T my wife, the one who IS my fiancée... she doesn't call me "Steve." She calls me Howard. Do you see?

Judge Maxwell: Let's just skip over this part, and move on.

Howard: That night at the banquet she was there again.

Judge Maxwell: Who was there, your wife or your fiancée?

Howard: Neither.

Judge Maxwell: There's a third?

Howard: No, sir, the one who isn't either. Everyone was calling her "Burnsy."

Judge Maxwell: Why?

Howard: That's short for Burns, Eunice's last name.

Judge Maxwell: Eunice WAS there.

Howard: No, sir, BURNSY was there. Or rather, the one who ISN'T Burnsy.

Judge Maxwell: You. You in the blanket! You seem to have caused all this trouble. Exactly what have you got to say for yourself?

Judge Maxwell: [Judy lowers the blanket] Judy!

Judy: Hello, Daddy...

[the judge's bench collapses]

Delivery Boy: I want my bike back!

Judge Maxwell: I'll give you your bike back - I'll give you a broken back if you don't be quiet.

Judge Maxwell: Do you have any idea what it's like to sit here night after night and watch this endless parade of human debris floating by?

Bailiff: Yes sir, I have.

Judge Maxwell: Oh no you don't!

[Judge Maxwell sneezes]

Bailiff: Is Your Honor feeling alright?

Judge Maxwell: No, my honor is not feeling alright! My head is pounding, my metabolism has practically ceased to function, and my nerves are completely shot.