Myron Larabee Quotes in Jingle All the Way (1996)

Myron Larabee: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. And then they sit there and they make your children feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!

DJ: [as Howard tries to break into the radio station; he calls the cops] Yeah, I've got a mad man in my studio and...

[Howard breaks the glass door and charges inside]

DJ: HELP ME!

Howard Langston: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

DJ: What?

Howard Langston: See, I couldn't get through on the phone. Did I win?

[Howard hugs the DJ]

DJ: No, it's not that simple!

DJ: No! Wait, wait!

[Myron comes into the radio room]

Howard Langston: You're too late! I already got the the right answer! I won! Ha ha! Yeah!

Myron Larabee: I don't need the right answer to win! I got this!

[Myron pulls out a package]

Howard Langston: Now what's that?

Myron Larabee: This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!

Howard Langston: A bomb?

Myron Larabee: Yes, in layman's terms, a bomb! So back up!

Howard Langston: You built a bomb?

Myron Larabee: No, I didn't build a bomb! Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it! So give me the doll, or I'll blow up everybody in this place!

Howard Langston: Are you out of your mind? Put this thing away!

Howard Langston: [as Turbo Man] Myron, you're taking this too far.

Myron Larabee: [as Dementor] Hey, I'm not going home without that doll!

Chain Smoking Booster: [as Booster] Hey, buddy, this ain't the way we rehearsed it!

Myron Larabee: You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster.

Myron Larabee: As if I didn't have enough trouble, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy. Some fruity robot named Turtle Man.

Howard Langston: It's Turbo Man. My son wants one, too.

Myron Larabee: How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: "Dear Santa, Can you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off!

Myron Larabee: [pursuing Jamie and Howard during their act in the parade] Get outta my way, box!

Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!

Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.

Myron Larabee: Thank you!

Myron Larabee: Ta-ta, Turtleman!

Myron Larabee: [Myron is tackled] That's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!

Officer: Maybe you shouldn't mess with that.

Officer Hummel: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.

[does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio]

Officer Hummel: Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.

[he rips open the package]

Myron Larabee: [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock, and even Myron looks shocked] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!

Officer: How many years on the bomb squad?

[Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred]

Myron Larabee: You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk into the office, grab one of those guys

[grabs an old lady]

Myron Larabee: And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldn't wear fur.

DJ: Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?

Howard Langston: Yes.

Myron Larabee: That's what you said on the radio.

DJ: Oh, no.

Myron Larabee: Yes it is.

DJ: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...

[chuckles]

DJ: What we have here... is a gift certificate.

Howard Langston, Myron Larabee: A gift certificate?

DJ: Right.

Myron Larabee: We get one day a year to prove we're not screw-ups and what do we do? We screw it up.

Myron Larabee: I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake!

Myron Larabee: Did you call me buddy?

Howard Langston: Yeah.

Myron Larabee: [shouting] I am not your buddy! I tried to be your team mate, I wanted to be your friend, but noooooooooo, you had other other plans for Myron Larabee!

Howard Langston: No, I had no plans.

Myron Larabee: You were no different then the rest of those civilians, those common, letter writers who make fun of my knee socks and my safari hat. in the summer!

[the DJ is whimpering]

Myron Larabee: Are you laughing at me?

DJ: Huh? Oh, no! Lord no! Not at all!

Myron Larabee: Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you, I know your kind. You're the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox so I have to get out of my jeep, don't you?

DJ: No, not true! I recycle!

Howard Langston: Shut up!

Myron Larabee: That's right shut up!

Myron Larabee: [Myron is telling all the police officers to put their guns down, he looks at Officer Hummell] You too, Barnaby Jones!

Myron Larabee: [to Howard in the radio station] Don't hit me! I got sickle cell! Don't hit me!