Howard Langston Quotes in Jingle All the Way (1996)

Ted: Howard, they say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires.

Howard Langston: [muttered to him softly as he drives backwards] Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.

Ted: What?

Howard Langston: [after getting at a toddler for taking his prize ball and putting it in her mouth in attempting to get it back, he is being ambushed by a bunch of disgusted mothers who misunderstood his socially unacceptable behavior and are calling him a pervert] I'm not a pervert! I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll!

Howard Langston: [as Howard is getting Ted on the phone, he hears Ted eating his wife's cookies and complimenting on them] Cookies?

[shouting]

Howard Langston: Who told you you could eat my cookies?

DJ: [as Howard tries to break into the radio station; he calls the cops] Yeah, I've got a mad man in my studio and...

[Howard breaks the glass door and charges inside]

DJ: HELP ME!

Howard Langston: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

DJ: What?

Howard Langston: See, I couldn't get through on the phone. Did I win?

[Howard hugs the DJ]

DJ: No, it's not that simple!

DJ: No! Wait, wait!

[Myron comes into the radio room]

Howard Langston: You're too late! I already got the the right answer! I won! Ha ha! Yeah!

Myron Larabee: I don't need the right answer to win! I got this!

[Myron pulls out a package]

Howard Langston: Now what's that?

Myron Larabee: This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!

Howard Langston: A bomb?

Myron Larabee: Yes, in layman's terms, a bomb! So back up!

Howard Langston: You built a bomb?

Myron Larabee: No, I didn't build a bomb! Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it! So give me the doll, or I'll blow up everybody in this place!

Howard Langston: Are you out of your mind? Put this thing away!

Howard Langston: [as Turbo Man] Myron, you're taking this too far.

Myron Larabee: [as Dementor] Hey, I'm not going home without that doll!

Chain Smoking Booster: [as Booster] Hey, buddy, this ain't the way we rehearsed it!

Myron Larabee: You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster.

Myron Larabee: As if I didn't have enough trouble, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy. Some fruity robot named Turtle Man.

Howard Langston: It's Turbo Man. My son wants one, too.

[last lines]

Liz: Howard, I've been thinking... everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him.

[Howard nods]

Liz: And if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder...

Howard Langston: What?

Liz: [smiling] What did you get me?

[the camera crash-zooms to Howard with a look of horror on his face]

Howard Langston: You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits.

Mall Santa: What did you call us?

Howard Langston: You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Low-lifes. Thugs. Criminals!

Mall Santa: At the North Pole, them are fightin' words, partner.

Howard Langston: [the second time on the phone, he still can't get Liz] Jamie, let me talk to your mother.

Jamie Langston: You can't.

Howard Langston: Why?

Jamie Langston: She's next door petting Ted.

[he means a reindeer that Ted got Johnny who just then named after him, and without clarifying it, Howard misunderstands it]

Howard Langston: [aggravated] She's what?

[Howard tries to grab the doll]

Mall Santa: [Santa stops him] Ah! That'll be three hundred.

Howard Langston: Dollars?

Mall Santa: No, chocolate kisses; yes, dollars!

Howard Langston: I can't believe this, whatever happened to your lofty ideas huh? I though you're doing all this for the kids.

Mall Santa: Well sure, but I don't see why we can't pick up a little loose change in the process.

Howard Langston: [clutching two store associates by the collar, after they've mocked him along with the whole store doing that and told him the Turbo Man dolls are gone; he sneers] Where's your Christmas spirit?

[the two smile, so does Howard]

Howard Langston: That's better!

Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!

Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.

Myron Larabee: Thank you!

Howard Langston: Ted, what the hell are you doing on my roof?

[Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers]

Howard Langston: Can I talk to my wife?

Ted: I think she is in the shower, Howard.

[with a fresh attitude]

Ted: Do you want me to go check?

Howard Langston: NO!

Officer Hummel: As for you, Turbo Man...

[saluting]

Officer Hummel: we could use a man like you on the force.

Howard Langston: [in Turbo Man costume, saluting back] Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh, I'm sorry about the bike, and the coffee, and the bus, and... the bomb.

DJ: Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?

Howard Langston: Yes.

Myron Larabee: That's what you said on the radio.

DJ: Oh, no.

Myron Larabee: Yes it is.

DJ: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...

[chuckles]

DJ: What we have here... is a gift certificate.

Howard Langston, Myron Larabee: A gift certificate?

DJ: Right.

Chain Smoking Booster: Finally! Where the hell have you been? Geez, I've been sweatin' like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up! Well, it's showtime!

[puts on his Booster mask]

Howard Langston: I know you, you're Booster!

Chain Smoking Booster: [behind his mask] Yeah! And whoever do you think you are - Mary Poppins?

Mall Santa: Hey. Psst. Buddy, come here. Come here. You want a Turbo Man for Christmas?

Howard Langston: Forget it, I'm not gonna sit on your lap.

Mall Santa: Hey, chief, that's not my bag... Get it? Ha! Well, you know little boy, with your attitude, I don't think I want to give you access to this. Tony, show him.

Tony the Elf: [Tony the Elf hold up a Polaroid photograph of him holding a Turboman doll and newspaper article] That was take this morning.

Howard Langston: How do I know this isn't some kind of a scam?

Mall Santa: Forget it, Tony, this guy doesn't want our help.

Howard Langston: Whoa, wait a minute, guys. We're all businessmen. I'm sure we can work out some sort of an agreement.

Mall Santa: [the Mall Santa pulls Howard closer] You got the cash, we got the doll.

Howard Langston: I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something about this place that doesn't seem quite... Kosher.

Mall Santa: Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball?

Howard Langston: He got two! He got two!

Howard Langston: I couldn't find the kid a doll. Now, does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason. Now, that makes me a bad father.

Myron: Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!

Howard Langston: I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh , well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us Christmas dinner in it.

Myron: [surprised] No!

Howard Langston: Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now.

Myron: You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man.

Howard Langston: Oh, don't say that.

Myron: Mmm-hmm. I know what I'm talking about. See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy. A Johnny 7 OMA gun. You remember those, don't you?

Howard Langston: No.

Myron: I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday. Two kids playing out in the backyard.

[imitating the whole play]

Myron: The thing looked like a blast. But, of course for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down. I never did get that Johnny 7 OMA.

Howard Langston: Sorry to hear that.

Myron: Ah, it don't mean nothing. Have you ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman?

Howard Langston: Yeah. The CEO of Sherman Industries.

Myron: Well, he was my old neighbor. And his dad got him a Johnny 7 OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me, well, I'm just a loser with no future.

Howard Langston: [after punching the reindeer] You started it.

[on the day before Christmas Eve, after having failed to make it to his son's karate class, Howard has just gotten home, and got out of his car, and in kind of a guilty mood, starts heading towards his house]

Ted Maltin: [from Howard's roof] Hey, neighbor!

Howard Langston: Ted, what the hell are you doing on my roof?

Ted Maltin: What's Ted doing on your roof?

[we suddenly see him light up the whole house]

Ted Maltin: Ta-da! I had some extra lights in the garage, and since you didn't put up any yourself, I just thought "What the hey?" Why not spread a bit of Christmas cheer around the neighborhood?

Howard Langston: [sarcastically] Gee, Ted, how thoughtful!

Ted Maltin: Hey! I'm sorry you missed the karate class today, but don't worry, I got it all on video for you.

Howard Langston: [sarcastically] What would I do without you?

Myron Larabee: Did you call me buddy?

Howard Langston: Yeah.

Myron Larabee: [shouting] I am not your buddy! I tried to be your team mate, I wanted to be your friend, but noooooooooo, you had other other plans for Myron Larabee!

Howard Langston: No, I had no plans.

Myron Larabee: You were no different then the rest of those civilians, those common, letter writers who make fun of my knee socks and my safari hat. in the summer!

[the DJ is whimpering]

Myron Larabee: Are you laughing at me?

DJ: Huh? Oh, no! Lord no! Not at all!

Myron Larabee: Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you, I know your kind. You're the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox so I have to get out of my jeep, don't you?

DJ: No, not true! I recycle!

Howard Langston: Shut up!

Myron Larabee: That's right shut up!