Hansel Quotes in Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Hansel: We learned a couple of things while we were trapped in that house. One, never walk in to a house made of candy. And two, if you're gonna kill a witch, set her ass on fire.

[to Mina and Ben, as they approach the witch's house]

Hansel: Whatever you do, don't eat the fuckin' candy.

Gretel: Wow, this is amazing. And, uh, weird.

Hansel: It's a little creepy.

Gretel: You really keep all this stuff?

Hansel: [trying to end the conversation] All right, well...

Ben: I just have SO many questions, do you mind?

Hansel: [still trying to end the conversation] You know, we have...

Gretel: Oh no, no no no, you go ahead.

[smirks as Hansel kicks her under the table]

Ben: All right, uh, okay, uh, how do you best kill a witch?

Gretel: [innocently] Hansel?

Hansel: [pauses to glare at Gretel] Uh, cutting off their heads tends to work... and ripping out their hearts... and skinning them is also nice...

Gretel: Yeah, but burning them is the best way, 'cause it's the only way to be safe.

Ben: Burning, yeah, of course!

Hansel: [muttering into his mug] Burn 'em all...

Hansel: When you see my signal, unleash hell.

Hansel: Revenge doesn't change the past. It won't bring our parents back. But it sure as hell feels good.

[From Trailer]

Hansel: Me and my sister... we have a past. We almost died at the hands of a witch. But that past made us stronger. We'd gotten a taste of blood. Witch blood. And we haven't stopped since.

[Hansel's timer goes off]

Mina: Are you alright?

Hansel: Yeah. When I was a kid, a witch made me eat so much candy, I got sick. Something happened to me. I have to take this injection every few hours or else I die.

[Injects Himself]

Hansel: Who the fuck is Edward?

[from trailer]

Hansel: Some people will say that not all witches are evil, that their powers could be used for good. I say burn them all!

[Hansel and Mina are bathing in a pool of healing waters]

Hansel: I got it. You know, the last time I was in waters like this, I came across a formidable serpent witch. She mostly looked like a toad, but she could breathe underwater, which made her difficult to track. She was deadly.

Mina: [swims up to Hansel and silences him] Shh. You talk too much.

[kisses Hansel and seduces him]

Hansel: Is it true you have sex for ten hours?

Sting: No comment.

[silently]

Sting: Fifteen...

Hansel: [from trailer] OLD?

Derek Zoolander: [pronouncing the sign incorrectly] LAMÉ?

Hansel: Neil Degrasse Tyson? You don't know who you are, either?

Katy Perry: Who-oo-oo-ooohh am-mm-mm-mm I-ah-ah-aye?

Hansel: That was beautiful...

Hansel: My mom told me my dad was a beat cop.

Hansel: Neil, I gotta say, you're totally blowing my mind right now.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: That's what I do. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.

Sting: If you want to find the spirits in the material world you need to talk to the ghost in the machine.

Hansel: What? Who is this?

Sting: I have a message in a bottle for you, so don't go to the police.

Hansel: I'll go get Derek, tell my Orgy I love them!

Hansel: WHO AM I!

Hansel: [Talking to Derek Jr. about his mother] I remember there was one night, she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots. I was driving the freak train, your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose... She had a mouth like Chinese finger cuffs, you know, where, like, you try to pull out but it just keeps getting tighter...

Hansel: I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Matilda: I became...

Hansel: What?

Matilda: Bulimic.

Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?

Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?

Matilda: Honestly?

Hansel: Yes.

Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.

Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?

Hansel: This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked.

Matilda: What?

Hansel: Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea.

Hansel: Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude!

Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.

Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

[Talking about the files]

Hansel: They're *in* the computer?

Hansel: Excuse me, bra.

Derek Zoolander: You're excused, and I'm not your bra!

Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"

Derek Zoolander: And?

Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...

Matilda: Done it in a while, yeh.

Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?

Hansel: I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt.

Hansel: You is talking loco and I like it!

Hansel: [while in an interview, dressed in angel's wings] I hear words like "beauty" and "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of.

Hansel: Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.

Derek Zoolander: Fine.

Hansel: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Derek Zoolander: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Hansel: Well, you go first.

Hansel: Taste my pain, bitch!

Derek Zoolander: Who am I?

Derek's Reflection: I don't know.

Derek Zoolander: I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.

Hansel: The results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder?

[Derek stares at Hansel]

Hansel: Nice comeback!

Matilda: What time is it?

Derek Zoolander: Almost five.

Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...

Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."

Hansel: Trippin' on acid changed our whole perspective on shit!

Derek Zoolander: What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo?

Hansel: Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander?

Hansel: What's the dealio, yo?

Hansel: Whatever dude... whatever. Peace. God Bless.

Hansel: Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

Olaf: Cool story, Hansel.

Hansel: Thanks, Olaf.

Hansel: The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder?

[Derek glares at him]

Hansel: Nice Comeback! Ha ha.

Hansel: I friggin' worship you, man.

Hansel: Deal with that!

Hansel: Jesus says the darndest things.

Hedwig: [slaps Hansel] Don't you ever mention that name to me again.

Hansel: But he died for our sins.

Hedwig: So did Hitler!

Hansel: Eh?

Hansel: Luther is silent for a moment, as he stares at my little bishop in a turtleneck.

Gretel: You know it'd be nice if you could be a little more supportive.

Hansel: You're adopted.

Hansel: My rock collection, remember?

Wood Faerie: That's the oldest trick in the book!

Hansel: You still fight like an old lady.

Vann: At least I don't dress like one!