Doug Stauber Quotes in The Promotion (2008)

Doug Stauber: I'm not a lion... I'm a guy.

[During the motivational retreat, the employees form a circle around the retreat leader. They are instructed to place paper bags over their heads]

Retreat Leader: I want you to take off one thing that you don't need... quickly! Come on.

[Everyone takes off their paper bags, except Richard, who removes his watch. They all stare at Richard, who still has his paper bag over his head]

Retreat Leader: Let's take something else off that you really don't need... right away!

[Richard takes off his shoes as some of the employees begin to laugh]

Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need, let's make it happen. Come on!

[Richard removes his belt while the employees continue to laugh]

Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need. Come on, let's go. Something completely unnecessary.

[Richard turns to his right]

Richard: Doug, can we take our sack off?

Doug Stauber: What?

[Everyone bursts in laughter]

Richard: Did you take your sack off?

Doug Stauber: I can't really hear you.

Retreat Leader: If you could take off one more thing you simply do not need. Do it!

Richard: [whispers] Fuck!

[Richard removes his shirt, revealing a tattoo of the band KISS on his chest, to the delight of everyone else]

Retreat Leader: Okay, uhhh... all right, everybody that still has a bag on top of their heads, scream, 'My concentration skills need improvement.' One, two, three.

Richard: My concentration skills need improvement!

[Everyone bursts into laughter]

Hardy: Hey, Mr. Wehlner.

Richard: Hey, Hardy. How are you doing?

Hardy: I'm doing good.

Richard: What did you do last night?

Hardy: I went to the movies with my sister.

Richard: You did?

Hardy: Yeah.

Richard: That sounds awesome.

Hardy: Guess what?

Richard: What?

Hardy: I'm growing a mustache.

Richard: All right. That's cool.

[offers a handshake]

Richard: Hey, Hardy, you're doing a great job at the store here.

Hardy: Thanks.

Richard: Keep it up.

[as Hardy walks away, Richard feels his right hand after shaking it with Hardy and gives an uneasy look on his face. Doug sees this and approaches him]

Doug Stauber: What's going on?

Richard: Oh, nothing. Just... Hardy. It just gets sad, sometimes. Do you know why Hardy's hand is powdered?

Doug Stauber: Why?

Richard: These retarded guys... masturbate so much that they rub the skin off their penises. They don't know better, and that they have a hard time not jerking off.

[Mitch and the board of directors appear behind Richard]

Richard: Hey!

[Richard walks away as Mitch approaches Doug. He watches the conversation from a distance]

Mitch: Was he talking about jerking off in the store?

Doug Stauber: I guess it was me enjoying a rainbow cone to celebrate Richard's racial slur. But I had a feeling he was starting to crack. A couple more little things. He might just fall apart. 'Black apples'? What an a-hole.

[Following the incident where Doug sprays mace at a gang member, he gives his apology speech to the community]

Doug Stauber: We understand that the young men involved in the incident are not good examples of the community, but are troublemakers, who there are a lot of everywhere in this day. The incident was unfortunate for both parties, but we won't let a few bad apples spoil the batch. You can be sure of that. Thank you for coming.