Donny Quotes in Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)

Freb: Hey, man, that was as easy as pie!

Donny: I'm a veteran, son.

[a carjacker jams a gun through the window]

Punk: [shouting] Get outta the car, bitch, or I'm gonna blow your brains out!

Donny: You gotta be shittin' me...

Punk: Do I have shoot you, dammn it?

[Donny takes his gun and knocks him out]

Freb: Damn!

Donny: [gets out of the car and kicks the punk] You lazy, half-ass bully! Any asshole can pull a gun on somebody! You don't know the first thing about stealing a car! Boy! You need a role model!

Donny: Hello, and welcome to "TV Car Trivia!" First question, who was the driver of a '73 Firebird? Uh, Otto?

Otto Halliwell: Uh, Jim Rockford, "Rockford Files".

Sara "Sway" Wayland: Gimme "Columbo".

Kip: A Peugeot convertible.

Donny: What color?

Kip: Gray.

Mirror Man: How do you know that?

Kip: 'Cause I love that show.

Mirror Man: Man, I got three words for all of y'all: Get a life!

Freb: What's on Magnum P.I.'s license plate?

Tumbler: "ROBIN-1"

Kip: Wait, wasn't Robin that faggoty guy that always hung with him?

Memphis: Naw, that was Higgins. That was Higgins.

Otto Halliwell: Hey, hey, ten points for our fearless leader. Sway, how about giving us the Bill Bixby trifecta?

Sara "Sway" Wayland: Drove a Corvette in "The Magician", a Ford pickup truck in "The Incredible Hulk", and in "The Courtship of Eddie's Father", he walked.

Memphis: [From The Director's Cut] The list.

Donny: Ahhh, the list. Well, I guess we gotta start beatin' the bushes trying to find out where they... whoa. 1967 Shelby GT 500?

Memphis: I know. I know.

Donny: You got Eleanor here?

Memphis: It's weird, huh?

Donny: It's... voodoo.

Memphis: Oh, nonono, no, don't, don't say that.

Donny: [sings] I put a spell on you.

Donny: See ya tomorrow night, Eleanor, with your fine ass.

Freb: You ever feel bad about any of this?

Donny: Hell, no. I'm Robin Hood, man. I rob from the rich and give to the needy.

Freb: You mean the poor.

Donny: No, like I said, the needy. 'Cause brother, we need this car.

[Freb brings a Cadillac into Otto's place]

Freb: I can deliver more than pizzas, huh? Boosted her myself.

Donny: How did you get this car?

Freb: Actually, the keys were in it.

Donny: Well, that kinda defies the point.

Memphis: You stole a car that wasn't on the list. Why don't you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we're doing here?

Donny: Hey, did you see a box of rubber gloves around here?

Mirror Man: Gloves? Man, you don't need gloves! This is the new age! Check it out.

Donny: What is this?

Mirror Man: Just let me see that big claw you call a hand.

[He spreads adhesive onto Donny's fingertip]

Mirror Man: That ain't donut jelly, so don't eat it.

[He applies the false fingerprint]

Mirror Man: Your new fingerprints. Elvis is back.

Donny: Damn...

Mirror Man: Boy got skills, right?

Donny: Yeah, you do.

[They bump fists]

Donny: You're like a little ghetto Smurf.

[giving driving lessons]

Donny: Don't look at me, look at the people next to you! Nex... Look at the... - well, turn the wheel! Pull over, pull her the hell over!

Driver 1: Asshole!

Driver 2: Learn how to drive!

Donny: [shuts car off] Don't touch nothing! You can't negotiate turns. You can't signal properly. You can't maintain speed. You can't parallel park. Hell, you can't drive, honey. Shit, I can't swim, I know I can't. So you know what I do? I stay my black ass out the pool!

Mirror Man: [Mirror Man just applied fake fingerprints to Donny's hand] Ya' boy got skills, right?

Donny: Yeah you do. You look like a little ghetto smurf.

Toby: [to Otto] I think that your dog ate the keys

Otto Halliwell: Wait, he usually goes for the license plate... are you sure?

[Toby shows the ripped up envelope]

Tumbler: Wait a minute... Wait a minute... the dog ate the keys

Toby: YES

Tumbler: [laughs] How... How are you gonna get them out

Donny: [to Tumbler] Not funny

Tumbler: [to Sphinx] Oh... excuse me

[Sphinx intervene and flicks open his knife]

Otto Halliwell, Toby: [stops Sphinx] Whoa... don't even think about Sphinx

Memphis: [to Sphinx] It's all right

Donny: Yo what are you doin?

Stuntman: Gettin' ready to race.

Donny: Without a lid? You not just drunk you crazy!

Stuntman: Just consider it a reminder, in case you glance at me.

Donny: A reminder of what?

Stuntman: That your lid's about to become mine.

Donny: Yea right!

Scott: It's okay, I'm with Secret Service.

Donny: Guess again. I'm Secret Service. And you'll follow my directions, or I'll shoot you dead.

Scott: Yes.

Donny: Step away from the door.

Scott: Yes. I have a message for her. I have something to tell her.

Donny: Take two steps to your left.

Scott: Yes. I have a message for Mrs. Newton.

Donny: I'm sure you do. Spread your arms, please, out to the sides. Open your hands.

Donny: Open the box.

Donny: I'm minutes from the bomb squad. If it's 'Happy Birthday,' let's do it now.

Scott: How you fake the DNA?

Donny: You don't fake the DNA. You issue a press release.

Donny: [after hiding behind a bush that a soldier has just urinated on] I've had my shower, where's breakfast?

Crystal: Some type of security camera?

Donny: Yeah, that makes sense, it's a jail.

Crystal: It doesn't make any sense. It's not a working jail.

Chase: Who cares. Maybe it has Facebook.

Crystal: Right. We can update our status to "help".

Chase: Right!

Crystal: Stop freaking out.

Chase: I am NOT freaking out.

Crystal: You are TOTALLY freaking out. This is just like your fourth grade birthday party when your parents hired that guy in the mouse suit.

Chase: SHUT UP ABOUT THE MOUSE SUIT!

Donny: Guys! Focus.

Crystal: What?

Chase: Check your phone.

Crystal: I didn't bring a phone.

Chase: You didn't bring a phone?

Crystal: I didn't think I would need one.

Donny: You seriously didn't bring a phone?

Crystal: Oh, come on! I didn't know we were going to be eaten tonight!

Donny: [Donny is about to shoot Luk who is escaping, but Madam Yeung stops him] What are you doing?! Damn it, what are you doing trying to save that jerk?!

Madam Yeung: Because he hasn't been convicted of anything. He's still only a suspect.

Donny: [angrily] Look, don't gimme that shit! That guy's a criminal! Are you crazy?!

Donny: [gives madam Yeung a drink] Here, thought it might wake you up.

Madam Yeung: [takes the cup and remembers how Donny saved her and Luk from an attack at the hospital] You're still in Hong Kong?

Donny: It was the way that guy died in questioning. It didn't feel right.

Madam Yeung: [smiles] Who do you think did it?

[Donny doesn't respond]

Madam Yeung: Don't wanna know? Your good friend...Captain Mike Wong.

Donny: Listen up, I was just beginning to like you.

Madam Yeung: You like Michael and that's exactly why you don't wanna consider him. You said it yourself, a cop can't let his emotions get in the way. And while you don't have many, they're conflicting your judgment.

Donny: [angrily gets in her face] Shut up! Despite what you think, I do have feelings, but I also have a job to do and I need to do it! I have a sense of responsibility. How come I came back here?! You think I like listening to you, you stuck up..

Madam Yeung: [cuts him off] 'Stuck up bitch'. That what you wanna call me?

Donny: [begins to calm down] Sorry, I got carried away.

Madam Yeung: [smiles] Hey there hothead.

[Donny looks at her with shock]

Madam Yeung: I think I've met my match.

Donny: [Madam Yeung extends her hand and Donny shakes it] You know, I've got a bad feeling about this. I hope it isn't Michael.

Madam Yeung: It is him.

Donny: [Luk is in the hospital after being shot at by an assassin] Did you tell his mother?

Madam Yeung: [shakes her head] I didn't want to upset her.

Donny: She's got a right to know what's going on. She gets upset, that's not our problem. You know what, Madam? You're too emotional. He's in here because of you. You made a bad decision. I think you're in the wrong line of work.

Madam Yeung: [skeptically] Could be and you see yourself as a hot shot. I think you're too impulsive though.

[nods to Luk]

Madam Yeung: He's only under suspicion. You didn't have to go and beat him up like that...he didn't do any harm, so you're as responsible as I am. I think you're in the wrong line too.

Donny: Look lady, it's not my job to decide who's guilty. My job is to bring in the suspect.

Madam Yeung: Mine too, but I try to do it with sensitivity. Everyone's innocent until proven guilty, so why couldn't you give him that chance to be innocent? If a guy has a reasonable request, I grant it to him. How come you're so heartless?

Donny: Now you're just taking cheap shots at me.

Madam Yeung: You're paranoid. I just don't wanna work with a machine.

Donny: [not knowing how to respond to this, Donny goes to a corner to think about what has happened] I don't understand it. First they kidnap him and then they try and kill him.

Madam Yeung: Maybe they finally got the negative.

[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display]

Donny: You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.

Donny: [singing] Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline...

[Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]

Ted: Bah, bah, bah!

[Donny lunges at him]

Ted: Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch!

[Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]

Vendor: Hey! What are you doing to that bear?

Donny: I'm sorry, I uh,

Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!

Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.

Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.

Donny: Okay. I have $40 here.

[Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]

[Donny and Jessup leave the Hasbro panel with an unconscious Ted]

Donny: Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs.

Tom Jessup: Is that him?

Donny: Uh, yeah, there was an issue, so he's unconscious now. This is him.

Tom Jessup: Jesus! Why did you bring him here?

Donny: Well, I've been following him around since yesterday. This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast.

[Guy and Rick appear behind them]

Guy: Hey, Ted!

[Donny and Jessup turn around]

Guy: Is that you?

Donny: Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a, in a stroller, so we're gonna take him back and sober him up.

Guy: [pointing at them] Ah, rock on, Ted.

Donny: [pointing back] Eff yeah.

[Donny and Jessup proceed down the hallway]

Rick: Hey guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.

[Guy trips a Starfleet Redshirt cosplayer]

Guy: Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man.

John: You piece of shit. Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? Huh, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?

Donny: You don't deserve him, John. You never did. YOU NEVER DID!

John: I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

Ted: Aha! I fucking knew it!

Donny: Shit, I never knew nobody who killed somebody.

Alice 'Ali' Willis: Me neither.

Heather: Just my grandpa. I never knew him. Yeah. My grandpa was a bad drunk. Really bad. He'd rape anyone dumb enough to walk by his room and one night... he got... um, really pissed at my grandma and he took a claw hammer to her face. And, uh, after that, he just... he locked himself up with her in his room for two whole days and he kept drinking and having sex with her after she was dead. My mom was in the house the whole time.

Donny: Fuck.

Heather: She was only 15.

Alice 'Ali' Willis: Holy shit.

Heather: You know, it really messed with her head. After that, she only hung out with guys who beat the hell out of her. And when I was little, she'd get drunk and she'd drag me and my brother out of bed at, like, four in the morning and she had all the news clippings about my grandpa and the trial transcriptions and she'd read them over and over again. And I knew every word before kindergarten. I think that's how I learned to read.

Lisa's Mom: You guys don't work, you don't go to school, you don't do anything. All you do is lay around and drive your cars and eat us out of house and home. You know how that makes me feel?

[Long pause]

Donny: Mad.

Heather: Is he dead yet?

Donny: Getting there.

[Lisa produces a gun]

Donny: Holy shit, what the fuck is that for?

Lisa: To kill Bobby Kent, don't you remember?

Donny: Oh, yeah.

[last lines]

[talking in the court room]

Donny: I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here, I didn't do shit, I don't know what I'm fucking here for...

Marty: You stabbed him, dude. What the fuck do you want... Oh, you shut the fuck up!

Donny: You guys need professional help.

Donny: What the f... what the fuck is fatalizing? Is he like dead?

Derek: No, dude, it's like worse, dude, it's like way worse, because, like, you have to live, man... you have to fuckin' live and you're a fuckin' baby.

Heather: Got any tweak?

Donny: [laughs] How was rehab?

The Dude: Rug pee-ers did not do this. Look at it: a young trophy wife, marries this guy for his money, she figures he hasn't given her enough, you know, she owes money all over town.

Walter Sobchak: That, fuckin' - bitch...

The Dude: It's all a god damn fake, man. It's like Lenin said: you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh, you know...

Donny: I am the walrus.

The Dude: You know, you'll uh, uh - well, you know what I'm trying' to say...

Donny: I am the walrus.

Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch!

The Dude: Oh yeah!

Donny: I am the walrus.

Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

Donny: What the fuck is he talking about?

The Dude: Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what the fuck are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak: Huh? No, what the fuck are you... I'm not... We're talking about unchecked aggression here, dude.

Donny: What the fuck is he talking about?

The Dude: My rug.

Walter Sobchak: Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element!

The Dude: Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so what the fuck are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

The Dude: Walter, this isn't a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy...

Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you...?

The Dude: Walter, he peed on my rug!

Donny: He peed on the Dude's rug.

Walter Sobchak: Donny you're out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!

Walter Sobchak: That rug really tied the room together, did it not?

The Dude: Fuckin' A.

Donny: And this guy peed on it.

Walter Sobchak: Donny, please.

Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?

The Dude: Walter...

Donny: What?

Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story?

Donny: I was bowling.

Walter Sobchak: So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...

The Dude: (interrupting) Walter, Walter, what's the point, man?

Walter Sobchak: There's no reason - here's my point, dude, there's no fucking reason why these two...

Donny: Yeah, Walter, what's your point?

The Dude: Walter... what am I going to tell Lebowski?

Walter Sobchak: I told that fuck down at the league office... who's in charge of scheduling?

The Dude: Walter...

Donny: Burkhalter.

Walter Sobchak: I told that kraut a fucking thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!

The Dude: Walter...

Donny: They already posted it.

Walter Sobchak: Well they can *fucking unpost it*!

The Dude: Who gives a shit! They're gonna kill that poor woman, man! What am I gonna tell Lebowski?

Walter Sobchak: C'mon Dude, eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander on back.

Donny: How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: I'm shomer shabbos.

Donny: What's that?

The Dude: Yeah, and in the meantime, what do I tell Lebowski?

Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit *don't fucking roll*!

Donny: Sheesh.

Walter Sobchak: Shomer shabbos!

The Dude: Walter, how am I going to...

Walter Sobchak: Shomer fucking shabbos.

The Dude: Oh fuck it. I'm out of here.

Walter Sobchak: Come on, Dude...

[rolls his eyes at Donny]

Walter Sobchak: Fucking BABY...

[Donny nods]

The Dude: Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson!

Donny: What do you need that for, Dude?

[the Dude, Walter, and Donny walk out of the bowling alley, to find the three Nihilists waiting in front of the Dude's car, which has been torched]

The Dude: Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.

Nihilist: Ve vant ze money, Lebowski.

Nihilist #2: Ja, uzzervize ve kill ze girl.

Nihilist #3: Ja, it seems you have forgotten our little deal, Lebowski.

The Dude: You don't HAVE the fucking girl, dipshits! We know you never did!

[the Nihilists, stunned, confer amongst themselves in German]

Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Nihilist: Ve don't care. Ve still vant ze money, Lebowski, or ve fuck you ups.

Walter Sobchak: Fuck you. Fuck the three of you.

The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter.

Walter Sobchak: No, without a hostage, there is no ransom. That's what ransom is. Those are the fucking rules.

Nihilist #2: His girlfriend gave up her toe!

Nihilist #3: She though we'd be getting million dollars!

Nihilist #2: Iss not fair!

Walter Sobchak: Fair! WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRYBABIES?

The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter. Look, pal, there never was any money. The big Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, so take it up with him, man!

Walter Sobchak: And, I would like my undies back.

[Stunned, the Germans confer amongst themselves again]

Donny: Are they gonna hurt us, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: No, Donny. These men are cowards.

Nihilist: Okay. So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen.

Walter Sobchak: Fuck you!

Walter Sobchak: He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger...

The Dude: The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose.

Walter Sobchak: Near the In-and-Out Burger...

Donny: Those are good burgers, Walter.

Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Walter Sobchak: Really, Dude, you surprise me. They're not gonna kill shit, they're not gonna do shit. What can they do? They're a bunch of fuckin' amateurs, and meanwhile, look at the bottom line: Who's sittin' on a million fuckin' dollars? Am I wrong?

The Dude: Walter?

Walter Sobchak: Who's got a fuckin' million fuckin' dollars sittin' in the trunk of our car?

The Dude: Our car, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: And whadda they got? My dirty undies... My fucking whites...

[They walk out of the bowling alley and see the Dude's car gone. The portable phone starts ringing]

Walter Sobchak: Say, dude. Where is your car?

Donny: Who's got your undies, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: Where's your car, dude?

The Dude: You don't know, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: [clears throat] It was parked in a handicapped zone, perhaps they towed it.

The Dude: You fucking know its been stolen.

Walter Sobchak: Well, certainly that's a possibility, Dude.

The Dude: Oh fuck it.

[the Dude starts walking away]

Donny: Where you going, Dude?

The Dude: I'm going home, Donny.

Donny: Phone's ringin', dude.

The Dude: Thank you, Donny.

Donny: They posted the next round for the tournament.

Walter Sobchak: Donny, shut the f- when do we play?

Walter Sobchak: Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.

Donny: What's wrong with Walter, Dude?

The Dude: Fuckin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man.

Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.

The Dude: Yeah.

Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.

The Dude: Oh!

Walter Sobchak: When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.

Donny: What's a... pederast, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Walter Sobchak: The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.

Donny: Who's in pajamas Walter?

Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Donny: Phone's ringing, Dude.

The Dude: Thank you, Donny.

Walter Sobchak: Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.

Donny: They were Nazis, Dude?

Walter Sobchak: Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration! Are we gonna split hairs here? Am I wrong?

The Dude: This is the fuckin' guy! I can find this fuckin' Lebowski guy!

Donny: His name's Lebowski? That's your name, Dude!

The Dude: Hey, no, come on, Walter. We're ending this thing cheap, man.

Walter Sobchak: No, what's mine is mine.

Nihilist: No funny shtuff.

The Dude: Alright, alright, I've got four dollars, almost five...

Donny: Hey, I got eighteen dollars.

Walter Sobchak: What's mine is mine.

Nihilist: We fuck you ups, man. We takes the money.

Walter Sobchak: Come and get it.

Donny: I'm throwing rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude.

Paterson: Morning, Donny.

Donny: Ready to roll, Paterson?

Paterson: Yeah.

[pause]

Paterson: Everything OK?

Donny: Now that you ask, no, not really. My kid needs braces on her teeth, my car needs a transmission job, my wife wants me to take her to Florida but I'm behind on the mortgage payments, my uncle called from India and he needs money for my neice's wedding, and I got this strange rash on my back. You name it, brother. How 'bout you?

Paterson: I'm OK.

Donny: OK, well, have a nice day.

Paterson: OK, you too.

Donny: Yeah, I doubt it.

Donny: [singing] Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday. She tells him she's in church, but she doesn't go, still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know...

Donny: I did her on his birthday.

Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me.

John: Why the fuck would he say that?

Donny: Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.

[Donny is pursuing Ted up the tower of Fenway Park, trying to grab him]

Donny: You're mine now, Ted.

Ted: Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.

Donny: I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.

Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.

Donny: I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... I remember seeing you on the Carson Show and... you were just wonderful.

Ted: Oh, yeah that was uh... that was weird ineterview: Ed thought I was ALF and he kept muttering anti semitic comments... he thought ALF was Jewish for some reason...

Donny: Hey-hey um... Have you ever considered selling the bear?

John: What?

Ted: Excuse me?

Robert: I want it.

Ted: [defensively] Hey, I'm not an it, pal! I'm a he, alright?

John: [Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone] I'm sorry little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.

Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!

John: [Dumbfounded] Why the fuck would he say that?

Donny: You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."

Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?

Donny: And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.

Ted: Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.

Robert: Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.

Donny: Yes, you are, my little chipmunk. Happy playtime.

Ted: Jesus fucking Christ!

Robert: I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.

Ted: That's a great story. I felt like I was there.

Robert: Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch.

[tears Ted's ear off ]

Donny: Are you out here all alone?

Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.

[from trailer]

Donny: What'd I do to his back?

Todd: Let me jog your memory...

[shows a tattoo on his back]

Donny: [laughs] The New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped!

Todd: That's because I got it in third grade; my body grew!

Todd: You know what I do remember? You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk!

Donny: It makes sense to me. When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home!

Todd: I was eight!

Donny: I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large, so...

Vanilla Ice: What, you think I got that kind of money?

Donny: Of course you got that kind of money. Royalties from 'Ice Ice Baby', you must be fuckin' loaded!

Vanilla Ice: Man, listen: Queen took 50 percent, Suge took the other 60 percent. I fuckin' *owe* money when that shit gets played, man!

Masseuse: [sees 5 dollar bill in Donny's towel] What's this, sir?

Donny: Oh, that's just a little, eheh, tip if you give me a full package.

Masseuse: Oh, okay. That's a 150 dollar additional charge.

Donny: Heh, you're talkin' to the wrong guy. That's a little out of my price range.

Masseuse: It includes scalp treatment, reflexology...

Donny: How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.

Todd: Donny! This isn't a brothel.

Donny: Facebook? You know I can't afford that shit. What am I, a billionaire?

Jim Nance: [about the IRS] You haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny!

Donny: What- I thought they were taking it out automatically!

Jim Nance: I told them that's what you thought and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard.

Phil: Hey look, this might seem weird, but do you think you would ever...

Donny: Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean I'd love to. She's a hot little number.

Phil: Well, you know, I was just gonna ask you for an autograph.

Donny: Oh, oh, I'm sorry! On her tits, or...?

Donny: Your mother was a math teacher and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself.

Todd: The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup does not make you a whiz kid, Donny.

Donny: Do you have any AXE body spray?

Todd: No, Donny. I don't have any AXE body spray because I'm not a fucking douchebag.

Donny: That's a douchebag thing? When did that become a douchebag thing?

Donny: Hi, I'm Todd Peterson.

Hotel Desk Clerk #1: No, you're not. You're Donny Berger. You got your teacher pregnant.

Donny: Okay.

[Donny walks over to the next clerk]

Donny: Hi, I'm Todd Peterson.

Hotel Desk Clerk #2: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?

Donny: What room was my fiance in again?

Hotel Desk Clerk #2: Let me check, 641.

Donny: Thanks, you're a stud.

[the first clerk gives the second clerk a confused look]

Hotel Desk Clerk #2: Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here using a fake name, you go with it!

Hotel Desk Clerk #1: Okay!

Donny: We were friends for 20 years, guy!

Vanilla Ice: We were friends until you banged my mother!

Donny: I didn't know it was her, I swear to god! It's not like her last name is Ice!

Vanilla Ice: You should'a known by the haircut!

Bridesmaid: So you actually knew Todd's father?

Donny: Of course I knew the guy. He was handsome, he had fuckin' great hair, uh, a Jedi with the chicks. Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver and he wanted to see others be happy.

Helen: Oh, I wish I could have met him.

Donny: Chad... Adultery is bad... but incest... is FUCKED UP!

[from trailer]

Jamie: OH MY GOD! I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! And something else...

[inspects the dress]

Jamie: You puked on my dress, and then fucked it?

Donny: [laughs at Todd] You're a madman!

[from trailer]

Donny: That's my boy!

[from trailer]

Donny: I promise you, I'll never forget you again.

[gives him a gift]

Todd: You got me a gift... an earring? But I don't have a pierced ear.

Donny: Yeah...

[Donny jams the earring on his son's ear]

Todd: [his face smeared with blood] Am I bleeding?

Donny: I don't think so.

Donny: Chad, you're United States Marine USC, you're a disgrace to that uniform!

Jamie: He's not a Marine! He just buys his clothes on eBay so that Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer!

Donny: What? That's possibly worse than the incest thing!

[from trailer]

Jamie: Todd, your old man's here to see you!

Donny: WASSUP!

[Todd hurls his drink]

Donny: [the waitress brings in drinks] Oh, alright, alright, now we're talkin'. Thanks, honey. What the fuck's your name? Jessica. All right. Hey, come on, here's to the kid! He's fuckin' gettin' all fucked up, huh? Tonight! Last night! Fuckin' last night of poontang for this kid!

[takes large sip from drink, then spits it out all over Jessica and Mrs. Ravensdale]

Donny: What the fuck is this?

Mrs. Ravensdale: It's water infused with cucumber, rose pedal, and harvest sandalwood.

Donny: It tastes like fuckin' dick infused with balls, and a side of fuckin' raw sewage jizz.

Donny: Look at you guys. You've got your faces covered in leprechaun shit. We should be getting whacked off, all of us, as a fucking team!

[from trailer]

Donny: Give me another chance. Get to know me a little bit...

[from trailer]

Donny: [reads a magazine] Whoa, that's my boy! He moved out when he was eighteen, I haven't seen him since...

Brie: It says here he's one of the most successful hedge fund managers in the finance industry.

Champale: Maybe your son can help you...

Brüno: Look at the four of us; we are so like the Sex in the City girls!

Donny: Oh no, we aren't either!

Brüno: Which one are you, Donny?

Donny: I ain't any one of them, I'm Donny.

Brüno: That is such a Samantha thing to say!

Donny: His mind told his vomit to stay inside his stomach.

Joe: Impossible.

Plug: Yeah, puke has a mind of it's own.

Ricky: I knew it. You're attracted to Julian.

Donny: I'm not attracted to Julian, I'm attracted to his-

[stops himself, clears throat]

Donny: I'm not attracted to Julian.

Ricky: Suck it Donny!

Donny: You suck it Ricky, MORE!

Ricky: What the fuck kind of comeback was that? You said the same thing thing that I said, but you just added 'more' to it.

Donny: No! More! You suck it more!

Ricky: You're a fuckin' dick!

Donny: [to older brother Nerd in front of Ilene] You know, I know you two are just friends, but you put a little makeup on her, you might want to be a little more than friends. Know what I'm saying? She might even be out of your league. Get her before she realizes. Sucker punch style. You don't want to be a virgin forever, do you bro?

Donny: What are you doing?

Nerd: [scared] Ugghh... Nothing.

Donny: You're stealing alcohol. Are you going to a party? I'm telling Mom and Dad.

Nerd: Donny, come on. Don't.

Donny: I'm sorry. I don't think I have a choice in the matter.

Nerd: Why do you always have to do this to me?

Donny: Are you going to a party?

Nerd: Yes, now leave me alone.

Donny: Alright, I love parties!

Nerd: You're not going...

Donny: Then you're not going. MOM!

Nerd: [lowly] Alright, alright. Jesus, you're such a motherjumper!

Donny: [smiles sinisterly]

Donny: Jeez, Dad, maybe if you don't eat anybody, nobody'll notice you're a zombie.

Valerie: [about spilled food] Hey, you idiot, this was brand new!

Donny: What, you're just gonna get sperm on it any way.

Donny: You dorks are alive?

Jen Kaznyk: I asked Charles about you and he said you're a great guy.

Donny: I totally am.

Jen Kaznyk: Will you hate me if I start our relationship by asking a favor?

[seeing overturned bus]

Donny: What the FUCK?

Donny: Dorks, no shoes on my upholstery.