Clerk Quotes in Wild Hogs (2007)

Bobby Davis: You call The Firm?

Clerk: Yeah, men's room. Some trucker musta crapped a whole cow in there. Good luck.

Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]

Clerk: I didn't want to give him the key, but I didn't trust my instincts.

Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]

Clerk: I saw my father shot. I never cry until today.

Bobby Davis: [turns to leave]

Clerk: I got robbed yesterday. And now I know: you have the bad job.

Bobby Davis: Yeah...

Bobby Davis: You called The Firm?

Clerk: Some truck driver must have crapped an entire cow in there, man. Good luck. I knew in my gut not to let him go, but I didn't trust my instincts. I saw my father shot, but I did not cry till today. I was robbed yesterday, and I know now, your job is the bad one.

Clerk: American?

Fatima: Canadian!

Clerk: Same thing

Clerk: Name?

Male Immigrant: Brovoloti Provalinsky.

Clerk: Okay, Mister... Smith.

Clerk: Now, come on, what kind of therapist is she?

Vera: I told you, she's a sex therapist. Today they're working on "simultaneous orgasm".

Clerk: What's that?

Kevin McCallister: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

Clerk: Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.

Kevin McCallister: Well, could you please find out?

Clerk: For the next 5 minutes only, 99% off!

[in a music store]

Wayne Campbell: I know. I'll use the "May I help you?" riff.

[strums guitar]

Clerk: May I help you?

Clerk: Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Witness: Ain't no thing.

[he slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his book to slap the witnesses hand as if "giving fives" to each other]

Defense Attorney: [approaches the witness as he sits down in the witness stand] Would you describe, in your own words, what happened that night?

Witness: Check it, bleed. Bro... was ON! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', Man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Homes.

[the stenographer wears sunglasses and sways back and forth as he types]

Witness: So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother. Shit.

Linda Keene: What are the grounds for divorce in this state?

Clerk: Marriage.

Clerk: Look here, son, what do you mean to marry a woman that old? You ought marry a girl your own age.

Sister Bessie: You're trying talk him out of it and I'll start a service right here now.

Dude Lester: Dunno, Sister Bessie there, she sweet-talked me into it.

Clerk: How's that boy gonna support you?

Sister Bessie: The Lord will provide.

Clerk: I'm afraid that ain't gonna be soon, because he ain't gonna get married through this office!

[when trying to pay for the movie "Perfect Crime," the code says "Ferpect Crime"]

Rafael: It's "Perfect", with a P... and there it reads..."Ferpect", with an F.

Clerk: Yes, but the price is right, isn't it?

Rafael: It's "Perfect", but it reads "Ferpect." Why?

Clerk: It must be a typo.

Rafael: Fuck. "Ferpect Crime."

Clerk: Have you got any ID?

Emelia: [takes out her compact and looks at herself] Yeah, definitely me.

Clerk: No. Are you 18?

Emelia: Yes.

Clerk: Can you prove it?

Emelia: [flashes him] There. Are those not the breasts of an 18 year-old?

Clerk: That'll be 2 pound 99, please.

Clerk: Remember the highway's your best bet.

Guy: Don't worry about it man, I got it all covered.

Girl: Are we lost or something?

Guy: No, I've done this drive a million times.

Smithy: [Speaking of his newborn son] You can form only a very inadequate picture of him from what I've given you.

Clerk: I'll have to struggle along.

Clerk: Hey there, what have you got in your pocket?

Eddie Chandler: Same thing you got in your head bozo. Nothin'.

Clerk: Stop!

[Pauline is registering]

Pauline: I've decided to join.

Clerk: We don't accept your decisions. You accept ours.

[Danielle is hit on by the costume shop clerk and invites him to the party]

Clerk: [counting the total cost] Two thirty-three, 30-D. I mean, $234,33.

[laughs]

Clerk: Thanks.

Danielle: [smiles] You know, this might sound kind of forward, but, uh, we're just in town for a party tonight, and I was wondering what time you get off work.

Clerk: Oh. Uh, in about 20 minutes, actually

Danielle: Yeah? You know where Sheep's Meadow is?

Danielle: Sure, yeah, of course.

Danielle: All right. So why don't you meet me there in 45?

Clerk: Okay, I guess.

Clerk: Don't forget your costume.

[smiles]

Clerk: [Reading the Want Ads] Elephant cage cleaner... yea, maybe.

Clerk: Okay, you smelly son of a bitch! You win! Look, I'm gonna leave now! We'll pretend this never happened, all right? Right.

[he turns and is eaten by Bigfoot immediately]

Clerk: Why you don't believe in Squatch?

Ziegler Dane: Hell no.

Clerk: Then why the hell did you come?

Ziegler Dane: Because I like to kill shit.

Clerk: Another Darwin Award comin' up.

Ziegler Dane: I guess you never heard of the Darwin Awards.

Clerk: The what?

Ziegler Dane: The Darwin Awards. They give 'em out to people who died doin' the stupidest shit.

Clerk: Like what?

Ziegler Dane: One of my favorites is this guy - this guy goes to a petting zoo with some of his friends and he decides to demonstrate the effect of this crazy glue.

Clerk: Crazy glue?

Ziegler Dane: Yeah, y'know, that shit. He squirts it in both his hands and he leans over to this fence and he slaps both hands onto the rear end of a rhinoceros. No, no, I'm not kiddin' ya, no shit. This thing takes off, yankin' this guy right off his feet and all he can smell is ass. And unbeknownst to him, this rhinoceros had been constipated for a couple of weeks, right, so they gave him this massive dose of this laxative.

Clerk: [giggling] The zookeeper.

Ziegler Dane: [laughing] Yeah. So this thing's chargin' around tryin' to free himself of this guy, and he's stompin', he's stompin' on pygmy goats, ducks and all this stuff and he starts shitting uncontrollably right in this guy's face. Paramedics come, they try to clear an air passage and this guy's buried under thirty gallons of diarrhea, man.

Farmer Hoss: What a dumbass.

Clerk: A local Indian legend tells of a wild man livin' in these woods. My grandpa saw it once, and he says it only comes out after dark, and now my question to y'all is... you sure you wanna find it? 'Cause some things are better left unfound.

Ziegler Dane: [aside to Hoss] This comin' from a guy who chainsmokes at his gas station hooked up to an oxygen bottle.

Clerk: Thank you for the reminder. I believe I will.

[lights a cigarette]

Clerk: You smell that? Boys, we're not alone.

Ziegler Dane: 'Course not. We're sittin' in the middle of the woods, Sherlock. Ten bucks it's a bear.

[Ziegler gets up and wanders off into the woods alone]

Farmer Hoss: Ziegler, wait!

Clerk: Another Darwin Award, comin' up.

Ziegler Dane: [as Clerk puts another cigarette in his mouth] I bet your lungs look like a couple of old saddlebags.

Clerk: Well... giddy up!

[Lights cigarette]

Babe Stewart: Who's the live wire?

Clerk: That's Connie Randall, the librarian. A cute trip. But, oh boy, is she a handful.

Babe Stewart: I suppose half of Glendale goes up to Lake Inspiration, hmm?

Clerk: No wonder. But, if you ask me, there's no sense in trekking way up there. The floors no good to dance on. I could never dance on it. Well, you can pass away the holiday right here in Glendale.

Babe Stewart: Yeah. You can pass away any day in Glendale.

Clerk: Anything?

Victor Albee Norman: I want a very sincere necktie.

Clerk: I beg your pardon?

Victor Albee Norman: I want something that makes me seem sincere. You know, honest; genuine; upright; trustworthy.

Clerk: Well... um, here's a handpainted one in four colors; at thirty-five dollars. Is that sincere enough?

Victor Albee Norman: I think, my friend, any more sincerity would be downright foolhardy.