Charley Quotes in Wild Hogs (2007)

Charley: Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore. Sometimes you pull them out and think they're not loaded, and...

Bobby Davis: You blow your deputy's ear off.

Charley: Yeah.

Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?

Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!

Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, why don't you go out there?

Charley: I'm the sheriff of a town of 500 people. I got my qualification from a course on the internet. For my arms training, they just told me to play Doom!

Charley: Man, that was like Level 12 of Doom.

Warden: Your turn, Johnny. The priest you've requested has arrived.

Charley: [pretending to be a priest] Are you ready, my son?

Johnny Dangerously: I'm ready if you are, father.

Charley: Dominus vobiscum, Nabisco. Espiritu sanctu. They gasthebus.

Prisoner: [hands Johnny a part of a tommy gun] So long, Johnny.

Charley: We gasthebus. You gasthebus. We missed the bus. They missed the bus.

Prisoner: [hands Johnny another piece of the gun] Be brave, huh, Johnny.

Charley: When's the next bus?

Johnny Dangerously: [begins putting the gun together behind the wardens back] Always, Nails.

Charley: Summa cum laude. Magna cum laude. The radio's too laude. Adeste fidelis.

Prisoner: [gives Johnny another piece] Good luck, Johnny.

Charley: Semper fidelis. High fidelis.

Johnny Dangerously: [struggling to put it together] Why didn't I take shop?

Charley: Post Meridian. Ante Meridian. Uncle Meridian. All the little Meridians.

Prisoner: [adds another piece] Bye bye, Johnny.

Johnny Dangerously: [adds piece to gun] Bye, Rock.

Charley: The Magna Carta. MasterCharge it.

Prisoner: [hands piece to Johnny] Spit in his eye, Johnny!

Johnny Dangerously: [finishes putting the gun together] OK, rabbi.

Charley: [opens his bible to reveal the guns clip] Dum procellas. Lotsa Vitalis.

Warden: Any last words, Johnny?

[gun cocks]

Warden: [turns to see Johnny pointing a tommy gun at him] Well said!

Johnny Dangerously: Alright here it is. Johnny Dangerously is going legit.

Member of Dundee's gang: Le-what?

Johnny Dangerously: Legit.

Charley: Le-why?

Danny Vermin: I'll tell you le-why. Because Johnny Dangerously is really Johnny Kelly, brother of the D.A., Tommy Kelly.

[Upon learning Johnny is the D.A.'s brother]

Charley: Johnny, is this true? 'Cause if it is,

[pause]

Charley: I don't know how to react!

Frank Capua: What's that for?

Charley: You celebrate, I celebrate, too.

Frank Capua: Oh, come on. You don't drink.

Charley: Hey, what kind of a put-down is that? I gotta start sometime. I'm sixteen.

Frank Capua: You wouldn't even like it.

Charley: How do you know unless you try?

Frank Capua: Take a sip.

Charley: Salud.

[takes a sip]

Charley: Good!

Frank Capua: Oh, my God. Hey!

Charley: I'm gonna get drafted in two years!

Frank Capua: So you'll drink when you're drafted!

Charley: I won't know how.

Frank Capua: You'll know how.

Charley: What do you want me to do? Drink with strangers?

Charley: Salud.

Frank Capua: If you get sick, don't say I didn't warn you.

Charley: Salud.

Frank Capua: Salud.

Charley: Hey, Frank. You know what? What about a little sugar in his gas tank? That'll fix him. I read that in a magazine about how the saboteurs work.

[laughing]

Charley: You think I'm drunk?

Frank Capua: I don't need any sugar in his gas tank 'cause I'm gonna beat that son-of-a-bitch anyway!

Ranger Michael Kelly: Well let me tell you something Kittridge, while you've been sitting around here on your fat ass, I've made this forest part of me!

Charley: You listin here...

Ranger Michael Kelly: No you listen. Those campers are in my jurisdiction, now I'm going to deal with it the way I've seen it fit. Now you just try and stop me!

Charley: Kelly, you're a maverick. We don't have room for mavericks!

Charley: I've just been kicked in the face by the most beautiful woman in the world who is now walking around outside dressed as my old boarding school matron. I will pay 200 grand for that cover shot. Go and get it.

[finding out that Charley lied about Gil being sick]

Diane: You miserable little faggot.

Charley: Oh, that's mature. Homophobe much?

Gil: She wouldn't lie.

Charley: She's a mother. It's a sick, sick bond. Think of yours; think of mine. It's unwholesome.

[first lines]

Charley: [chasing Mamie] Wait! Wait!

Woman Driver: [hits Mamie] My God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I didn't see her! I didn't see her!

Charley: Oh my God!

Woman Driver: Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I didn't see her!

Charley: Do you have a cell? Call 911!

Woman Driver: Oh God.

Passerby: Hey, is she all right?

Charley: I don't know.

Woman Driver: [on phone] 911? Yes, hurry, we need an ambulance quick.

Title Card: She's not dead. / No one dies in this movie, not on-screen. It's a comedy, sort of.

Charley: [reading from learned journal] A statistical analysis of sexual intercourse at Colenso University, Milwaukee showed... that 70% did it in the evening, 29.9% between 2 and 4 in the afternoon and 0.1% during a lecture on Aristotle.

Provost: I'm surprised to hear that Aristotle is on the syllabus in the State of Wisconsin.

George: It's all becoming so bland. That's not why I came to America. It's like a complete breakdown of culture and manners.

Charley: The young ones have no manners. The other day at the car wash, a young man looked me up and down and asked me if I was a natural blonde.

George: What did you say?

Charley: I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Let's just say, if I stood on my head, I would be a natural brunette with lovely breath."

Charley: [to George] I have you, and if you weren't such a God damned poof we could have all been happy!

George: There's no such thing as old anymore. The other day, one of my students called me a senior citizen.

Charley: I wouldn't mind if old didn't exist. But I'm not sure that senior is what I'm aiming for, either.

Charley: I'm not goin' to my maker without knowin' your given name. Mine ain't Waite; it's Postelwaite. Charles Travis Postelwaite. What's yours? Sure ain't Boss.

[Boss hesitates]

Charley: I mean it, Boss. I'm asking you straight up.

Boss Spearman: It's Bluebonnet.

Charley: Bluebonnet?

Boss Spearman: Bluebonnet, yeah.

Charley: No middle name?

Boss Spearman: No, just Bluebonnet Spearman. And don't you tell no one. I want to hear you swear an oath now, go on.

Charley: You the one killed our friend?

Butler: That's right. I shot the boy, too. And I enjoyed it.

[Charley pulls out his gun and shoots Butler]

Charley: There's nuthin' in this town seen a surprise, except you.

Harry: Ya shot him Joey. Ya shot your brother!

Charley: Yeah... you shot him Joey

Joey: I didn't! I didn't!

Charley: Think we should call the cops Harry?

Harry: I guess so.

Charley: You know, you can love someone and not want to be with them.

Charley: This family's like a drug, and we're all junkies.

Wade Hatton: Well, what's the news in Dodge?

Charley: Well, just about the same as always. Gamblin', drinkin', and killin'. Mostly killin'.