Chuck Levine Quotes in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007)

Larry Valentine: [while Chuck and Larry are being interviewed separately] The worst day we ever had on the job?

Chuck Levine: This little kid fell in a swimming pool...

Larry Valentine: Chuck was the first one there...

Chuck Levine: I dove in...

Larry Valentine: He pulled him out...

Chuck Levine: I worked on him...

Larry Valentine: worked on him, worked on him, but...

Chuck Levine: Larry stayed with me all that night. I just couldn't get... couldn't get that kid outta my head.

Larry Valentine: When my wife died.

Chuck Levine: Ah, that was the worst.

Larry Valentine: I collapsed.

Chuck Levine: He knew it was coming but...

Larry Valentine: What we have is beyond friendship.

Chuck Levine: He's the best man I know.

Larry Valentine: I'd do anything for him.

Chuck Levine: I love him.

Larry Valentine: I love him.

Alex McDonough: You know, Larry's heavyset. Is that the kind of guy you've always been attracted to?

Chuck Levine: Ah no, he's my first fattie.

Alex McDonough: You guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.

Chuck Levine: I float his boat and he sinks mine.

Larry Valentine: You know what, I cannot deal with sleeping next to your stupid ugly face tonight, so don't bother coming in the bedroom.

Chuck Levine: Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey!

Larry Valentine: You are a lousy best friend, and a shitty husband!

Chuck Levine: Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it.

Larry Valentine: You're a monster!

Larry Valentine: Chuck, we really pulled this one out our asses.

Chuck Levine: Bad choice of words there, Larry. Bad choice of words.

Chuck Levine: [In court, both leaning together to kiss, cringing] Going in straight.

Larry Valentine: Coming out... gay?

Larry Valentine: Domestic partnership.

Chuck Levine: Domestic partnership? You mean like faggots?

Larry Valentine: No, I mean yeah but, no, not us. Obviously. Just on paper.

Chuck Levine: Paper faggots?

Larry Valentine: Well, the accepted vernacular is "gay"... but yes.

Chuck Levine: Going in alive.

Larry Valentine: Coming out the same way.

Chuck Levine: What do you got?

Larry Valentine: Maxi Pads.

Chuck Levine: What, do we have vaginas now? Put it back!

Chuck Levine: I'm not an animal! I'm a whore! You don't want to marry the town whore. Believe me, you're better than that.

Larry Valentine: Chuck. What's going on, man?

Chuck Levine: Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.

Larry Valentine: What?

Chuck Levine: They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright.

Larry Valentine: Oh, you know, you're such a dick.

Chuck Levine: Gay guys know how to dance good. It's like the law or some shit.

Asian Minister: Civil or religious?

Chuck Levine: Religious. I'm Jewish, I don't wanna piss my mother off.

Larry Valentine: I'm Catholic, I don't wanna piss Mel Gibson off.

Chuck Levine: The only thing I'm doing with my eyes is putting a bag over your head, you toothless moron!

Chuck Levine: Let's go junior high on them.

Chuck Levine: Oh my God, it's homo-palooza!

Larry Valentine: [Breaking into Bernie's room to rescue him] Holy Shamo!

Bernie: I'm sorry I can't get out of bed.

Chuck Levine: There's a bed under there?

Larry Valentine: Can you walk at all?

Bernie: I haven't walked in five years!

Chuck Levine: Alright, maybe we strap a rocketship on this guy we'll get him outta here.

Larry Valentine: No, no, we can do this, People lift cars, it's adrenaline, you know.

Chuck Levine: Cars? This guy is more like a freaking minivan.

Larry Valentine: Hey, buddy we're gonna help you outta here, come on.

Bernie: How's my mom?

Chuck Levine: [referring to Bernie's obesity] If she survived the birthing process, nothing's gonna take her down.

Chuck Levine: Let me chop him off, we'll take him down in pieces.

Bernie: What?

Chuck Levine: I'm kidding.

Larry Valentine: Just grab the back of our coats.

Chuck Levine: Hey, did you start this fire by lighting one of your farts?

Bernie: [chuckles] That's funny.

Bernie: I'm running momma, I'm running like the wind.

[They roll down the stairs and Bernie lands his butt on top of Chuck's face]

Larry Valentine: Chuck, you alright?

[Chuck gives Larry a thumbs up but Bernie farts and he pulls his thumb down]

Larry Valentine: [laughs] Oh my god, oh sweet Lord, broccoli!

[as Larry leans in to kiss him at their wedding, Chuck smacks him hard across the face]

Chuck Levine: [to Asian Minister] That's how we roll in our house, baby.

[as Larry introduces himself to Kevin]

Larry Valentine: Larry - Chuck's better half.

Chuck Levine: Two-thirds, actually.

Chuck Levine: [after slapping Larry in the face at the alter]

Asian Minister: Do you do me...?

Chuck Levine: Oh you couldn't handle it little man.

Asian Minister: Hai.

Chuck Levine: [while moving his stuff in with Larry, to Teresa] Hey, Big Ragu! I smell your feet from here. I like it.

Teresa: [to herself] Oh... He thinks my feet stink.

Teresa: [sniffs her own armpit] Now that's a stink.

Eric Valentine: [Shows Chuck a porn magazine] Uncle Chuck, you left this in the kitchen.

Larry Valentine: Hey, don't you look at that!

Chuck Levine: Actually, you know what, give me that, maybe he should look at it

Larry Valentine: Stop it, Chuck.

Chuck Levine: It's an experiment, seriously. Eric, see how this makes you feel. Open it up.

[Eric opens the magazine, screams, drops it and runs away]

Chuck Levine: Alright, that didn't go well.

Larry Valentine: Look, this is the only way I can keep doing what I do and make sure my kids are protected.

Chuck Levine: Larry, look at us, we're not gay! But if we were gay, don't you think I'd be with someone a little hotter-looking than you? I'm Mr February, for God's sake. It would be like the Prom King fooling around with a tuba player.

Larry Valentine: Oh great, I play tuba.

Chuck Levine: Larry, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, if that makes any sense. I still want to be friends.